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I introduced my nephew to Akira today, both in print and film. As interested in manga and anime as he is I was amazed he'd never seen this seminal work before. It's been some time since I've seen Akira myself, and it does still hold up well and look amazing. It does seem less action-packed and less pell-mell than more recent anime, notably, but the excellent story elements carry it through anyway. My nephew is hooked and wants to get hold of the series in print for himself, and he's interested in having his good friend see it, so I've clearly piqued his interest. I also got the most conversation I've gotten from him during this whole visit. It was a nice evening as a result. Posted at 12:10 AM
My sister, nephew, and niece have been here now since late Sunday night. Yesterday they spent much of the day out about town shopping and today they'll have spent just about all day at Cedar Point. They still have a couple other all-day outings planned for the remainder of their week here, and possibly even a third. That will still leave time for them all to visit here, but not much. Spending every other day almost entirely away from the house is good for my grandma so that she has a chance to rest, but it shortens the opportunities to talk and find out what's going on with everybody. My nephew and niece have had very little contact with me and we've never gotten close, and sometimes on these visits we just start to connect on some topic or interest and then they're on their way back home right away. I've missed being closer to my nephew and niece, but I also don't want to force them to talk to me either. And at their ages I might not have any luck even if I tried. So while they're still here I'll try to get what I can out of their visit, but it will probably go as it usually does and before I know it they'll be gone, and I'll hear nothing from them at all again (or about them) until they come to visit again, probably not un til aftyer Christmas. : ( Posted at 8:28 PM
None of the things that got me to thinking while in Chicago were overwhelming or unconquerable on their own. Even all combined - while more daunting - they were not beyond even my cynical view of the possible. But together they do spotlight the one truth of my existence for the last fifteen years - there's simply nothing for me to live for. After Ken died I tried to move on emotionally and try to develop a relationship, thinking that would be what Kewn would want, but I found that when I was able to get close to someone they still never measured up to Ken, and they were found wanting. I tried getting in better shape and exercise to make me feel better about myself, and that just made me more critical of myself and any little flaw, and eventually I gave up (and this has been, with small variations, the same cycle of health and exercise and diet that has followed me for one and a half decades). I got a better job in Chicago to try to improve myself and my situation, hoping that part of my life could mean more, and I moved to the city I lovved most at the same time, thinking that would make me happier (and Chicago did make me happier, although everything else was a waste of time and energy in trying to find more happiness or sense of purpose). I left Kinko's and Chicago to try to get closer to my old support network and try a diffferent job direction, hoping either or both of those things would help, but those failed as well. I even went back to college with the idea that a new career direction could give me something to value, to build upon, but that didn't work either. My breakdown, ten years ago now, was the culmination of all of these things hitting me at the same time I came to the realization that I really had nothing at all to live for. I decided then to finish my degrees and wshen that was done I could give up and wait for death. Then my grandma cam e in to the picture and I committed myself to care for her as long as she needed me - and that's where I am now. I've promised to care for my grandma as long as she needs me - which is likely to mean until the time she dies - but after that there is nothing. Could I find a job, a place to live, a way to get by? Probably yes on all counts, although surely not in any simple manner - but for what? To go to all that effort just to maintain a miserable existence with no hope of anything ever getting better ... is there really any point in any of that? No, I tell you. No there isn't. This isn't something new that came to me in Chiago. It's been with me for many years now, and no matter how often or how long I think about it I can't help but find it irrefutable. The question becomes, though, what do I do when my work here is done. Is there a point in working to ste up a basic existence? Should I struggle against my hesitance to suicide? Cop suicide perhaps? Or what? Are there even any other options? I don't think so. So Chicago was as wonderful as ever. It was revealing, however, in that I was forced to deal with isssues I normally repress, and it's been a while since I've been in a situation where I couldn't make sure I kept myself too busy to think. Now I can't get back to repressing these ideas, no matter how busy I am. It is all exceedingly frustrating. Posted at 12:05 AM
I think one of the big things that bothered me while in Chicago was employment. Chris has a job that he loves and for which he is perfectly suited. Simon has a job that he loves and for which he is perfectly suited. Adriane doesn't like her job, but she's pulling in income, and she's actively looking for something better. And then there's me. Chris and Simon both worked during the better part of two or more days of my visit, and while that wasn't a problem for me, it just struck home more clearly the real-life situation than any nebulous idea of "Chris and Simon's jobs" that I might have had if they hadn't gone to work at all during my visit. Their jobs are also things which I could probably do with a certain amount of training on certain equipment, but I don't think I'd be able to do either job as well as they do - or enjoy them a s much. The truth is that my current job is difficult, has long hours, involves a huge variety of various skills and experience (and sub-jobs), and has no pay, benefits, or time off. It's rewarding in a different way than any other job I've had, and in most ways, I hate it. People who are told what I'm doing think I'm a saint or completely insane (or stupid), and there's probably some truth in both views. The bigger issue, however, is that my current job would not be viewed as "real" employment by most future employers because I don't have pay records or anything of the sort, and my only reference will inevitably be my mom since - by the time I'm actively again seeking a job - my grandma will be gone. Tell me what employer will believe your mom about a job you supposedly held for eight years or more with no pay and no records to show what you did. Anybody doing hiring would either laugh or scowl and then toss your resume or application in the trash. And if it's not bad enough that my current job won't help me in an employment search, the previosu four years were spent at college with only two short-lived part-time jobs during that period. And the year prior to that I ran my own business, with only my own records to show for it. For all practical purposes my last job was at Kinko's thirteen years ago. Who'd going to hire an aging white guy with no conventional work record for thirteen years in the current job environment where thousands of people apply for jobs, many of whom are overqualified, not questionably qualified. Don't misunderstand me to say that I'm not doing hard work or that I'm not qualified - because I do work hard, and I am qualified for a lot of jobs - but no matter how confident I am, I don't know whether that will make a difference. And as much a I keep up with what's going on in the world, in business, and in technology, I don't have practical hands-on experience. Even something like the iPad, which I've read extensively about and understand fairly well, was a very new experience for me when I got to play around which Chris', and there are still a lot of things I wasn't sure how to do that I'd have to experiment with until I could understand. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. All of the things where I have great practical experience - payroll, inventory, software, various equipment - all of these things have changed with advances in technology, and while I am sure I could quickly pick them up (since the basics will always remain the same), it's not as though I could claim to know any spcifi systems or equipment that anybody would be likely to currently have in use. The Chicago trip made me think about a lot of things, and my job potential after things end here with my grandma was a very troubling one. I've had these concerns before, and I've considered a variety of possibilities, but seeing Chris and Simon and hearing in detail about their jobs made much more clear that more than a dozen years out of the standard job market has left me out of touch, and that alone could be a huge gurdle to overcome. There's no solution to any of this, or at least no simple solution, and I can't do anything about any of it until I have some idea when I'll be going back into the work force - and that could be tomorrow or ten years from now, all dependent upon how long my grandma lives and I can still capably care for her. It makes my future very nebulous and somewhat frightening becuase it's all very uncertain and fraught with difficulties. There's no way to prepare or lessen the concerns, and that constantly weighs on me. It's a terrible burden. Posted at 12:19 PM
Only a half week back and already she's killing me again. Why do I endure this? Posted at 11:28 PM
Sorry, folks. I'm really just not into writing anything today. Posted at 9:59 PM
I felt very lost in Chicago during this visit. Most of that feeling came from being in a part of the city that was new to me. Wicker Park, Bucktown - even Humboldt Park, which was not too far from Chris' apartment - all of these areas were known to me in the sense that they were neighborhoods I knew about and which had been home to some people I knew, but until this trip I had never stepped in those areas. Chicago has vastly changed in the nine years since I'd last been there, and I knew of new developments like Millenium Park, the additions to the Art Institute, the Trump Tower, the Eye, the new Gay & Lesbian Community Center - and the list goes on. I saw none of these things during my visit, but even if I had, these were in neighborhoods which were tremendously familiar to me. I would have know the exisiting buildings and businesses from before andwould have had some familiarity (i like to think). And maybe it would all seem strange and new and different, but there would probably have been enough to make me feel grounded. Instead I felt like I'd never been to Chicago before. The only place I even came near that I'd ever seem before was O'Brien's restaurant on North Wells, and I'd only eaten there twice - and I'd driven there both times to their valet parking and left, so I wasn't even familiar with the neighborhood. I don't want to cast the wrong imression - I was interested in all that I saw and experienced, and I learned more about different parts of Chicago, and that was good. It was also good to know where Chris and Simon are spending much of their time so that I could better relate to things. But for me Chicago has always been represented by the city proper - the heart of Chicago, not the near neighborhoods. Even when I'd spend time in Boystown or Lakeview or even when I lived in Printer's Row, even though I knew those areas well and loved them, I was still always drawn to downtown, the Loop, Grant Park, the Magnificent Mile, the Merchandise Mart, the Chicago River. These were the things I always saw, the things I went back to again and again. From the first time I saw them as a junior in high school these things and all the things around them were like magic, like a wondrous land ... like home. I always loved my visits to Chicago and I alwys loved visiting those favorite areas even while I lived in Chicago. It was always wondrous. And yet this time I didn't make it to any of those things - not even close. Yes, I felt a bit lost in a new part of greater Chicago that I'd never experienced before, but I also missed that connection to the old and familiar, the magnificence of things nothing else can equal. This trip was to see Chris, and I would have gone anywhere to do that, and I was quite pleased to have had the time with him I had. Still, I couldn't help feeling out of my element in Chris's neighborhood, and it made me feel very inadequate, very much not up to being able to make it if I were in his place. I just didn't see how I would find a place I could afford yet bear to live in; how I could find a job that made enough to pay all of the high ost of living; how I could learn the bus and train routes, lines, and schedules well enough to have a clue how to use them. I wasn't overwhelmed for the duration of my visit, but I wondered if I would be if I moved back some day. I'm sure a lot of this is a self-confidence issue (a lack of self-confidence issue), but it goes further than that. I just don't know if I'm capable of doing it any more. Am I too old to adapt and change and learn so much from scratch? Would I be able to make a go of things when I wasn't just being moved right into town like I was before - with a good-paying job with job security and people to recommend housing or restaurants or services? Would my increased depression and increased OCD and increased nervousness make everything too much to handle? Could I do it again, even though I've always wanted nothing more than to go back for the rest of my life? Those wonderings and fears are still with me, and I can't shake them. At some point my time here caring for my grandma will end, and then what? There's nothing here for me in Sadusky - but could I make it in Chicago any better? It would be difficult even in good times, but with the recession it would be even harder - and with the lack of confidence I'm feeling, would that be enough more to make going back completely impossible? Will I ever be able to go back home, back to my old sweet home, Chicago? Posted at 8:38 PM
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July 28, 2010
theDREAMER
name: paul cales
since
october 1, 2001