The month ends and with it the summer. I have nothing to show for this summer. My computer was stolen and I have no replacement. I got a new room at the Arts Center but at $20 more per month than it was supposed to be as well as expenses of over $1500 and over a month to get it habitable. I spent no time at all in the MetroParks or any form of nature to try to relax and think. Indeed, I had no time to think at all this summer to work through issues. That has left me an emotional mess most of the summer and near an emotional breakdown after only a week of being back to the university. Financially, I'm in trouble; my car needs a variety of repairs that I can't bear to add to my credit cards; my camera is broken; another snail has died (possibly even one more beyond that, but I'm not sure yet if Proserpina is dead or not); I have been abandoned by someone who was for much of my life my closest friend; I have been used a number of times over the summer, even though I have worked to keep this from happening again; I have developed pains and numbness in my right hand that at times makes even the simplest tasks difficult; and I have had to struggle constantly to get every little thing that I have over the summer. I've said it before, but this reflection of the past month makes it very much something to wonder about: Why the hell do I even try?

It's one thing to be a loser and have bad luck and bad karma - that level of things I might be able to stand - but to be so completely alone and facing everything bad, this is what sears my soul. If I had someone to comfort me, someone I could do things for to make my life seem worthwhile, someone to keep away from my problems as well as their own problems, someone to teach and to learn from, someone to make happy ... just someone to watch and enjoy ... someone I could be happy for even if things were still bad for me ...

I can't keep doing this alone. I know I keep saying that while still going on with life, but I'm serious. I can't stand it. Each time I say that I can't keep doing this alone and remain that way, I'm losing a little bit more of my mind and soul. Eventually I'm just going to be empty, bitter, and mean, and I would much rather be dead than to turn out that way. For that matter, I'd just rather be dead, period. What's to be gained from staying around? Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.

Hurray.

Posted Written at 12:41 AM

August 30, 2001

I hate being the way I am - looking the way I do. I see all of these incredible guys everywhere: when I shop, when I go to class, at the movie I watched today ("The Patriot" was being screened and discussed by the History Department), anywhere on campus (including the Creative Writing Department's Community Time that I attended tonight), in the Collingwood, on tv, or pretty much anywhere I look. I see these great looking guys and I admire and adore them, appreciate and drool over them, then get sad realizing that I don't have them or anyone, then get really sad when I realize that I just can't compare at all for their fitness and attractiveness, and then I just get incredibly depressed when it hits me that I won't ever have anybody because I'll never be attractive to any guy.

This should probably motivate me to exercise and diet to lose weight and get more fit and attractive, but I know how poorly I do at losing weight, and I know even better that being a reasonable weight has pretty much never made a difference anyhow because nobody ever was attracted to me even when I was in good shape. So what's the fuckin' point? What's the fuckin' point with anything?

I can't live alone like this. It hurts more than any physical pain I could ever go through. I hurts worse than any kind of dying. And it just hurts forever. It never stops. I remain alone and I just hurt and hurt and hurt. And nobody gives a damn. And I've gotten to the point that I'm so hopeless about ever having someone to hold that I pretty much don't give a damn anymore myself. About anything or anyone. And that, ironically, just sets me up to be even more alone, if that's possible.

All of this would be pathetic enough if that was all there was to it, but I find myself staring at people (good-looking guys) and finding them staring back at me with a firm glare. I can't read the expression - hatred, anger, loathing, disgust, I don't know - but it's quite clear that they see me and don't want to have anything to do with me. It might be one thing if I had spoken to them and offended them or we found we had opposing viewpoints or if we just didn't have anything to talk about, but these guys have already made some decision about me without even talking to me. And I know that it's more than just that I don't catch their attention - I catch them looking at me with that stare and frowning or glaring at me when they see I've looked over to them. It just makes me feel like I'm disgusting and worthless, and I end up feeling even more alone than I would feel if I were just invisible or living by myself in a cave or something. It hurts to get this same reaction from people, and all I want is just to hold someone ... even just to talk to someone that seems like they care ...

I just want some humanity and compassion. I need more than that, there's no denying, but I would settle just for some real, honest compassion ... even if only for a little while.

Posted Written at 11:48 PM

August 29, 2001

I've seen all sorts of people around campus during just these first two days of class, including lots of people that I've had in classes before who have talked with me a lot around and during classes. Some of these people are in classes with me again and some people I have just run across on campus and stopped to talk with them for a while. I've seen a few of my favorite professors already; I've seen people I just recognize from past classes that I never really spoke with but I know about; and I've now seen all but two of the guys I've drooled over during all of the semesters since I returned to college.

Earlier today I saw three guys in a row that I have thought are just amazing to watch in past semesters, and I was thinking that with them and everyone I had already seen today and Monday, there was only a few guys left that wouldn't have graduated yet, one specifically who I had really been attracted to since I had first been in a class with him last Fall. As luck would have it, I passed him as I was leaving my last class to head back to Toledo. I had taken a different route back to my car so I could talk to Phil, my prof, and Brad, a fellow-student I've known for a while, as they walked over to the convenience store. I was chatting to Phil when I spotted him (probably coming from one of the dorms, I imagine). He looked as good as ever, not a classic beauty but some of that magical way he carries himself that captivates me, and smiled slightly as it occurred to me that I had been hoping earlier in the day that I would see him. And then it happened.

It was probably only a moment after I first saw him myself that he looked directly at me, and I could see the subtle smile on his face disappear and his face harden as he saw me. He looked straight at me until we passed each other, and as usual we never said a word to each other. It didn't hit me right away, but when I left Phil and Brad a few minutes later to head to my car, I realized that his look was that same harsh gaze I had gotten whenever we had seen each other over the past couple of semesters. I have never been able to place it exactly, but it might be disgust, hatred, anger, maybe even fear, or maybe repulsion. I don't know, but it isn't a positive, accepting look. And it's always very focused right toward me. He could just ignore me when he sees me, but he never does. And it just upsets me. I don't know why under the circumstances, but I do find myself very attracted to him, and that just makes his burning gaze all the more painful.

This little incident of about a minute or less has left me feeling upset and alone all day since I saw him. I had seen all sorts of other guys during the day and was dealing with it all quite well, but one short passing with him makes me fall apart. I just feel very empty. Why does he look at me like I'm so disgusting? What have I done to him? What does he see when he looks at me? I just can't get this out of my mind.

I know I need to just put this all behind me, but it hurts. The emptiness from being alone has been very powerful in me lately, and this just makes it seem so much more undeniable. I just want to be happy, but that's just not happening. Why is this so much to ask?

Posted Written at 11:48 PM

August 28, 2001

I spent most of the day today reading through articles and writing a story and a short paper, all sorts of homework from yesterday, the first day of classes, and due tomorrow. I still have quite a bit of work to do on the paper for my last class tomorrow, and I expect that I will be using just about all of my extra time between classes completing these things before turning them in. And then, tomorrow night, I'll start all over again with things that are due on Friday. It usually takes me until the first weekend of classes to get comfortably on track, and this semester will be no different, but I don't think that I have ever had so much stuff assigned just from a first day.

I spent a bit of time last night compiling an assignment list of all of the major assignments that I know will be expected from each class (based on the syllabi provided, even though most of them are pretty sketchy and incomplete). The list is daunting. I will be writing dozens of poems, a couple dozen or more short stories, a whole bunch of critical papers, and a bunch of writing exercises, all around taking quizzes and exams and doing presentations for the whole class. And that doesn't even take into account the couple dozen textbooks and novels I will have to read. Yikes! It looks like it will definitely be a busy time.

In a way, I'm excited. I look forward to being pushed to write since I find it so easy to procrastinate, but I am quite concerned about the volume of work to be done. Even more worrisome is just the fear of whether I can produce decent work. I am quite fearful that I just won't be able to cut it as a writer, and if that is the case then where does that leave me? I like what I produce when I write. I really do. But what if everybody else just finds it ho-hum or even hates it? Should I just say, "Screw them," or should I be concerned that I'll never get published? Maybe I'm just worrying about nothing. Probably. I'm always a bit too paranoid for my own good.

For now I'll just try to enjoy it all. The first story assignment I had didn't click with me for a while, but the idea hit me this morning and I was able to write the story straight through and come up with something I'm pretty satisfied with. I'll post this short story to the site once I get everything up and running again. It's called "Living the Dream," and the assignment was to write a very short response to the topic: "What I Wish had Happened to Me on My Summer Vacation." Hopefully you'll enjoy it once I am able to post it to the website for people to read. I have a few things about it that bother me, but with the limits on topic and length for the assignment, I'm just going to have to live with what I've got (at least for the moment).

By the end of the week I'll be working on one or more poems, one or more short stories, a bunch of reading, possibly another paper, and the beginning work for two rapidly approaching class presentations. Never a dull moment, huh? I just can't complain, though. I love this stuff. It's very pleasing to me to be able to do this work. It's great. I am so excited about producing more work, and I look forward to trying some new ideas. I hope the semester is as good as I hope it will be.

Posted Written at 11:54 PM

August 27, 2001

Most gay guys, if they were put in a situation where everywhere they turned were beautiful young guys for every moment of the day, would say they had died and gone to heaven. They would, in fact, drool and smile and save up visual fantasies for ... umm ... later use. They would try to think of how to meet as many of those guys as possible and try to get hold of one or more of them for their own.

That would be most gay guys. I, of course, don't ever fit the mold.

Today was the first day of classes back at college, and BGSU has a record high enrollment. Let me tell you that the extra people must all be hot guys. The school was simply beautiful young guys as far as the eye could see, everywhere on campus, all day long. I have never seen this many people on campus at all, and certainly never this many gorgeous guys. In fact, the number of ho-hum or ugly guys was very low. I should have been like a kid in a candy store or something, right? But instead I just found myself yearning to be close to any of them and knowing that they could each have any one of hundreds, even thousands of other guys that they would find more interesting and attractive than they would find me. The result is the same as always - I stare in fascination and awe at the beauty around me and then I grow incredibly sad and hopeless as I realize that I am alone and seemingly destined to always remain that way. Sometimes I'll get angry or upset at the unfairness of it all, but today I was just consumed by sadness. Thousands upon thousands of beautiful young men and not a single one even remotely interested in me. It all just makes me wonder why I even do anything.

Why the hell do I even remain alive if I'm just going to be sad and alone? Why live through this pain? Why struggle to keep going? Why ... just why ...

I hate being alive. I hate every second of this. I hate it all.

Posted Written at 1:02 AM

August 26, 2001

One of the things that bothered me during my trip to Indiana a week or so ago was something I noticed on the drive there. For years I have traveled the Indiana Toll Road to get to Toledo, both from Lafayette and from Chicago. Just west of South Bend on that drive is an old campground that had been empty and overgrown for years. A fading for sale sign was the only indication that it wasn't simply abandoned and forgotten, and the sign suggested that the camp had a few hundred acres of land. Based on the location, it not only held the plentiful woods and cabins that you could see from the road, but likely also had some lakefront property as well.

I had seen this campground for years, and I had always wanted to buy it somehow. I wasn't initially sure for what, but I knew that I wanted the land. In short time I decided that what I wanted was to make a camp for gay youths - like 21 and under. I wanted a crisis center, a hostel, a shelter, and a formal campground all in one, all specifically set up with counselors and staff to help the kids feel safe and comfortable with who they are, letting them have fun but also helping them work through their problems. I realized that having a camp was important since the Boy Scouts were excluding gay kids and a lot of other summer camps were run by exclusionary religious groups. I believed that even if the crisis center and shelter were small aspects of the camp, at least I could set up a camp where gay youth groups and shelters from all of the surrounding states could send kids for a week or two where they could come as a group and be fully accepted. I could see all of the things that could be done and how great it would be.

The amount of money to even just buy the camp, not counting restoring it to usefulness, upkeep, or staffing costs, was not likely something I was just going to stumble upon. But it was something I really wanted to happen, so I just kept hoping that some way would come to make it possible.

And now it seems like the dream is dead. I don't know for sure what is going on, but for the first time in 9 years the large For Sale sign is gone. It shouldn't be surprising that someone probably bought the place after all of this time, but it is still upsetting. I don't know why, really. It was always a pretty far-fetched dream, considering it's unlikely I'd ever have that kind of money, but it still hurts that the chance seems completely impossible now.

It's funny really, in a twisted way, that every dream I have about something good and selfless that I want to see brought into the world is invariably removed from being a possibility before I can even do something that might make it fail. I should know by now that the only place my dreams can ever live is inside my mind, and even here on this website I can't seem to make any difference. The cruelty of reality is palpable even on the Net. And how can I even expect to conquer that with some little vision in my mind that nobody even cares to hear about?

I haven't said it in a while, but it's just as true as always - I hate this world; I hate this life. It all sucks.

Posted Written at 12:12 AM

August 25, 2001

I have been so tired and achy today that it has been a spacey sort of day. I've been lethargic and tired all day, practically falling asleep during a visit from Nathan, definitely falling asleep while watching tv, and moving more slowly than usual at all points. I've even felt kind of sickly in a tired way ... whatever ...

Basically, I have zoned out for a whole day. I know that's sort of what I wanted - just to relax and veg out - but it seems like a real waste. I don't feel like I've gained anything. Oh well; hopefully tomorrow will feel better. We'll see.

Posted Written at 1:17 AM

August 24, 2001

There is all sorts of construction going on around campus: the Student Union is shaping up, the Rec Center is getting an addition and some additional windows, the BGSuperNet Project is nearing completion, new postings centers (for flyers and such) are all over the place, and lots of sidewalks are being ripped up and repaved in more attractive layouts. I checked out a number of different things on campus and filed a few things, and then spent time at both off-campus bookstores (the official University Bookstore is on campus, but the two off-campus bookstores usually have more used books, thus keeping my costs down).

I wound up spending about $250, even though I had two of the books I needed in my own library and the remaining books were almost all purchased used. That's a lot of loot for a bunch of used books. But then again, I have a stack of books for my various classes, making it clear that just because my focus is on Creative Writing this semester doesn't mean that I won't still be reading a whole hell of a lot of material. The girl behind me in line about had a cow when she saw the stack of books I was lugging to the cashier, and when I told her that I still didn't have all of the books yet, she just couldn't believe it.

I found myself kind of excited about going back but also pretty nervous. I always get this way, I guess. I look forward to the classes and the routine and the new things I'll learn, but I get worried about not fitting in and feeling like some sort of old loser amongst these young, determined, energetic people who still look at the world with a sense of wonder and still believe that they can become rich, famous, happy, and make a difference. I love that sort of attitude and mindset - in fact I sort of feed off of to vicariously - but it makes me feel quite inadequate in comparison since I am so cynical and jaded and untrusting (and unhopeful). This awkward feeling will fade away as the semester moves along, but it will bother me for a while, just like it always does.

In other news, I got a few other errands and tasks completed and now can pretty much just relax and enjoy myself for both days of the weekend. It's about fucking time, and while I really could have used a lot more time to relax before school resumes, I'm happy that I at least have a couple of days to be lazy and comfortable.

Ahhh .... that's the stuff ...

Posted Written at 11:17 PM

August 23, 2001

I got up fairly early today, but after a shower and some breakfast I ended up laying in some half-sleep on the couch until the noon news was over. The nap seemed to help a bit because I've felt much more refreshed today than I have in a while. It looks like an early morning tomorrow since I want to go to campus and hear President Ribeau (the head of BGSU) give his welcome for the semester. I need to get books, and I figured hearing the speech (and getting some free food to boot, I'll bet) couldn't hurt. That means I only have Saturday and Sunday left to sleep in, so the nap today was probably a good idea.

I have been having a persistent problem with my right hand. I'm getting pains and numbness at times, probably from all of the exertion I applied during the remodeling process in scraping, painting, rubbing, etc. I don't know if I overexerted some muscles or if this is sort of an arthritis thing or if it's a carpal tunnel thing, but I find that even brushing my teeth can be painful because the prolonged grip on the toothbrush ends up being painful. If I let my hand hang at my side and get blood flowing in it again, the pain lessens. I wake up in the morning with some pain, too, which lessens once my hand has been hanging at my side a while. Needless to say, this is tremendously annoying, and I worry about all of the writing I might have to do during classes. I'm trying to just let it rest a bit, but that's pretty rough when you're used to using your right hand to do just about everything. <grrrr>

Posted Written at 10:29 PM

August 22, 2001

I was woken up this morning by Christiana phoning me that she needed me to drive her to a 9:30 appointment (about 45 from the time she called) at the same place a few blocks away that I drove her to the other day. Why couldn't she have mentioned this last night or something? I was rather frustrated by this, but gave up on sleeping in this morning and got cleaned up a little. I had no time to shower, but I had planned to shave before leaving. That wasn't to happen though because Joné called looking for first aid supplies.

Apparently Joné had been walking to work and a guy on a bicycle came straight at her, unwilling to get out of the way, forcing her to jump out of the way or get hit. She landed on the edge of the sidewalk and twisted her ankle very badly. After sitting in pain for a while, she decided to walk the rest of the way to work. Once I got down to the office with my first aid kit it was obvious that there were no scrapes but she was swelling badly and in quite a bit of pain. She might have broken something, but it was hard to tell. We decided I would take Christiana to her appointment and then return to take Joné to Emergency the room. As is usually the case, the Emergency Room took forever. It ended up that she did only have a bad sprain, but her pain was still pretty ugly. I drove is to the pharmacy to get some things for her, and then we grabbed some Chinese take-out from Golden Dragon. Back at her place we ate lunch, and then I decided I should leave to get some more tasks knocked out.

Back at the Arts Center I was finally able to take a shower and then head back out. I had received a call from Sears that my Raincheck had been filled and the chair was in (although I suspect it was probably there yesterday and they were just incompetent assholes). I did finally get the chair, came back and put it together, and spent some time finishing a bunch of filings and then trying to get some reading done of a few files that I've been sitting on for a while.

Another lackluster day, but I am now so very close to having everything caught up and set up that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's about damn time.

Posted Written at 1:24 AM

August 21, 2001

I got up today determined to get the shopping done that I had failed at yesterday. I got started alright, finding what I needed right away at the first places I tried. Then, as I went from place to place looking for a chair to use with my desk, I ran into difficulty finding something I liked. I eventually found one at Sears, paid for it, and waited at the pickup area. And waited. And waited. Eventually someone cam e and told me that the cashier had checked the wrong stock number and that the chair I wanted was not in stock, so I needed to go back upstairs to get things straightened out. I returned to get a credit, and the cashier set me up with a raincheck for the chair, but she said it might not be restocked for a few weeks. This was pretty depressing considering I had spent the last half hour or so thinking how great it would be that I was finally done shopping for crap. Great.

After the run-around with the chair, I came back to the Arts Center and took the time to repot the ivy plants I had bought for the bedroom. The ivy added a nice feel to the bedroom, and that made me feel a little better, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that I was just a big loser with everything constantly going so wrong all around me.

I had once again agreed to take Joné on some errands, and having failed to get my camera to work even with new batteries, I added a stop at the camera shop to our list. The camera was not immediately fixable and will likely only be fixed after sending it directly back to Canon at a minimum cost of $100 just to look at the camera and diagnose it. This was depressing, and Joné and I simply finished our errands and then had dinner.

Once I got Joné home, I decided to just come straight back to the Arts Center and try to take care of more little organizational issues. I just want the last of these things finished so that I can vegetate for a while before school starts up again.

Posted Written at 12:32 AM

August 20, 2001

I felt used today. First, it is now Monday and I have heard nothing back from Steve about the new gaming club thing, so I think that I've been purposefully excluded from it. That might not bother me so much if Steve hadn't asked me to be involved. The next big issue was Christiana. She asked that I run her over to an appointment, and the building she was going to was less than ten blocks away. I critiqued a paper she had given me while I waited for her (she has been bugging me about reading it for the last week, not caring that I have been up until the wee hours of the morning every night working to finish the rooms). Christiana has also been giving out my phone number to everyone she wants, regardless of my desires to keep it unlisted and private. She has her own cell phone, but she has no minutes on it since she doesn't pay to charge it up (she's rather rent videos, buy pot, go out for dinner, or something else unnecessary). Add to all of this the fact that she keeps whining to me about George, her abusive boyfriend that I have insisted for the last two months that she dump, and the fact that she doesn't give a damn that I'm about to have a nervous breakdown from the anxiety that's building up, and I'm just fed up with her self-centeredness. Nathan visited me today and wasn't much better.

Nathan seems to expect that I will drop everything to pay attention to him and spend time with him. Don't get me wrong, I like Nathan and like spending time with him, but he is not easy to have a decent conversation with since his thoughts are so erratic, and he always shows up when I'm in the middle of a project (which today was doing laundry and cleaning all of the rooms to get them fully finished. If he had anything coherent to say or if he was interested in anyone other than himself, it might make a difference in my attitude toward him, but he seems in many ways just like Christiana except that where Christiana wants to use me for my money and possessions, Nathan wants to use me for my compassion and my empathy. Maybe I'm just selfish, but what about me? I'm tired of everybody using me to get what they want and then having nobody give a damn about what I need.

I went out towards the end of the day to look around for a few remaining items I needed to buy, but I ended up failing to find pretty much anything and saw a bunch of cute young guys while shopping. I just ended up feeling alone and like a big loser, so I just gave up and went back to the Arts Center. Once here, I spent time sorting through files and receipts and getting things put away to get things further cleaned up. I just really feel like shit. Why does everything have to suck so much?

Posted Written at 1:08 AM

August 19, 2001

I got things mounted on the walls in all of the rooms and spent most of the day scrubbing down everything in the bathroom (including scraping paint off the marble and cast iron, polishing the brass, scrubbing the windows, scrubbing the walls, and cleaning toilets and sinks). While I was scrubbing the bathroom, an ugly incident developed in the back parking lot (which can be seen from both of the windows in the bathroom).

There has been a trouble-making tenant in the Arts Center for the past few weeks. Her name is Mary, and she is crazy. I don't mean that euphemistically, she's just plain crazy. She has been violating all sorts of building rules, getting into confrontations with office staff and board members, threatening through her lawyer friend to sue the building, assaulting tenants, getting arrested, and eventually being evicted. Getting evicted hasn't gotten rid of her, unfortunately, and she has just gotten more agitated and dangerous. Her most recent outrageous act had been giving out copies of her keys to the front door and her room so that homeless people and prostitutes could stay there ...

As if this wasn't weird enough, Mary's son, Jordan (who is so hot and so sweet that I can't begin to explain to you), has been a tenant in the building and has had to suffer abuse from Mary being close by. She hasn't left him alone, has verbally abused him, and has beaten him on different occasions. I have no tolerance for this sort of behavior at any time, but Jordan is 21, and he has his own life to lead - without his crazy mother. Jordan has pretty much reached the breaking point because his mother attacks him on one side and the Board of the Arts Center has blamed him for their admitting Mary into the building since they used his good behavior as an example (even though they never actually asked Jordan if he would recommend Mary or not).

Well, this leads us up to last night when Mary pulled into the back parking lot in her Tracker. Once there, she yelled up to one of the homeless people to let her in (she has no copy of the backdoor key, apparently). Hearing her yelling outside from one of the other rooms, Jordan ran out and confronted his mother, telling her to go away since she wasn't allowed in the building anymore (I mean, she's been evicted - she just wants to be an ass...). The screaming went back and forth with Mary moving back to her car. Once inside, she drove forward to try and hit Jordan. He ran out of the way behind her and she tried to back over him. He backed up as quick as he could, but she backed him against a wall, so he ended up diving through the open slit in the back of the Tracker (Trackers are like Jeeps, with the soft top). Once inside, he tried to get the keys from the ignition and he and Mary wrestled for them. Jordan grabbed them and headed to the backdoor, followed by Mary who promptly maced him in the eyes. Keep in mind that this is her only son who she is trying to run over and blind. More argument followed before Jordan got inside, and Mary kept yelling at her homeless friends to call the police on Jordan and then screaming at the residents of the building for the next half hour.

Eventually the police showed up and saw through Mary's lies as she attempted to get Jordan arrested for assault. Two of the four cops had arrested Mary at the Arts Center before on other issues, and they knew how she tried to lie for her advantage. The police ended u[p arresting her to the applause and cheers of many tenants leaning out of their windows. I was quite happy to see her go, but the damage had been done as far as I was concerned. Her treatment of her own son really bothered me because I've been there, and I know what it's like to have a violent insane asshole as a parent that you can't seem to escape.

I wanted to just go and hug Jordan and tell him it would be alright, but I hardly even know him. This whole incident has really bothered me, and I feel helpless to do anything to make it better. I hate this feeling of helplessness. It's all I really knew when I was little, feeling helpless and alone, and I still have no idea how to fight back against it. It just really sucks.

Posted Written at 1:46 AM

August 18, 2001

I spent a lot of time today setting up the study and finding places in each of the rooms for the few remaining items that remained to be put away. I did make another quick dash out to buy some more supplies and also buy another small set of tables I saw that would work well as a nightstand in my new bedroom (and they are Mission Style, to match the rest of the bedroom furniture (well, match everything except the dresser, anyhow)). I spent the later part of the afternoon putting together new furniture moving it into place (including the nested Mission tables, the bar table and chairs, and the tv table/stereo rack). Once I got rid of all of the packaging materials and other trash, I found that the rooms had all taken shape and were almost ready to go.

Although it was already fairly late by the time I got everything set up, I decided I wanted to get the tv, stereo, tv stand, and videos in place and out of the way. This is no small task since I have quite a big component stereo system and a full set of surround speakers to connect, test, and then conceal (nothing bothers me as much as seeing speaker wires just laying all over the place). This is always actually kind of fun, but it still takes time and patience. Connecting all of the plugs and wires from one thing to another through a too-small hole in the back of the stereo rack is always a pain in the ass, but I did finally get everything set up so that everything was interconnected and sounding great. I even made a few improvements over the way things were set up in the old room, so I was extra pleased with the results.

It was way late once again when I finished my shower, but I feel like things are almost done. Certainly all of the big things are at last finished, so I can rest well tonight. And boy am I ready to rest ...

Posted Written at 3:17 AM

August 17, 2001

I was up early again today but this time I was waiting to have my phone installed in the new room. I got myself together and spent the morning near the phone while I mopped the old room and polished the floor and then worked on cleaning one last fan that had gotten filthy during the remodeling work. The phone guy showed up at about noon, but I was busy helping him until almost 3 PM since he had trouble tracking the phone lines through the building (it is a strange maze of phone wires that have been installed and rerouted over the last few decades). By the time he was gone, I was ready for a quick shower and then a run out for some quick shopping. By the time I got back it was after 5 PM and I had yet to move anything into the old room.

I lay the rugs in place and cleaned off a few spots (these rugs had been in previous rooms) and moved the bedroom furniture into the room, once again cleaning as I moved things in. Eventually everything was out of the new room that wasn't supposed to be there and set up in the new bedroom. I spent some time reorganizing things and converting my armoire from a set of shelves into a setup for hanging clothes (soon to be filled with my suits and sport coats) to make room for all of the clothes hanging in the storage room on second floor. Once ready, I moved in stuff for the storeroom/study from the old storeroom I shared with all of Brendan's things.

The amount of stuff in the storeroom was daunting, but I got everything moved into the new bedroom and study fairly well. The original intention had been to move all of my things out of the second floor room so that it remained full of only Brendan's things, but I decided in the end that I would leave all of the things in there that I wanted to sell (at garage sales, online, or whatever). The stuff to sell is no small amount of stuff, but it would just be such clutter in the study that it would be difficult to use as anything except a storage room. Ironically, I had actually planned to only really use that space as a storage room other than reassembling a desk that I had planned to sell and using it for writing and typing (since I do most writing and typing with the laptop on my coffee table, which isn't always very comfortable). Once I started moving things into the newer space, however, I decided that it would be too packed if I moved in the items for sale. Besides, my intention is to be rid of all of that stuff - hopefully sooner than later - so it may not be in Brendan's space for very long anyhow.

By the time I decided to call it quits it was already almost 2 AM. I was wide awake and ready to go on, but I knew that I would just regret it tomorrow, so I took a quick hot shower, and now I'm quite ready to sleep. Very ready.

Posted Written at 2:41 AM

August 16, 2001

Getting up is getting harder and harder each day. I ache and want extra sleep, but I need to keep pushing myself to get these rooms finished. I did get a lot done today, so I can't complain.

I started early with touching up spots of paint and cleaning the windows inside and out. The paint on the ceiling simply refuses to cover the water stains - they just keep coming through. That's upsetting, but they aren't really noticeable enough that anyone other than me will ever notice them. I also put up some clothing bars in the closet and was ready to mop up, but I had once again run out of time. I had promised Joné that I would take her to Sam's Club so she could buy groceries and things using my membership. I got a quick shower and we were off.

By the time we were done, we had gone to Sam's Club, Target, and Foodtown (the grocery), and we had the car overflowing with stuff. I dropped Joné off at home well after 11 PM, and by the time I got back to the Arts Center and had everything moved in and put away it was too late to really do anything else on the soon-to-be bedroom. That'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

Posted Written at 2:21 AM

August 15, 2001

Moving the "kitchen" from one closet to another took a while but worked out well. Even though these closets should be the same size, it seems as though there is the slightest bit extra space in the new closet. With the closet set up, I could finally move all of the bedroom stuff into temporary setup in the new room. It's a bit aggravating that I couldn't have left all of those things in the old fourth floor room and simply moved them into the new bedroom once the touchup work was done in there, but there was no point in paying for an extra month on the fourth floor room just for that simple convenience (at least not on my budget).

The bedroom things moved pretty quickly (even if they do take up every extra inch of space in the new room). I was able to get a lot of cleaning done, but I didn't have time to paint before Joné needed me to take her job hunting. I had promised her earlier to chauffeur her around (she hasn't had a car for a while). She had a number of places in mind, so we went to specific spaces, but we still managed to be running around until almost 10 PM.

By the time I got back to the Arts Center it was obvious that I couldn't do anything about painting since I needed good daylight to see better, but that didn't stop me from doing more cleaning and spending time organizing the new room a bit. Tomorrow I can get to the painting and still move things back inside. I'm anxious, but at least it's all coming together.

Posted Written at 12:12 AM

August 14, 2001

To finally get things moved into the new room and see an end in sight is simply incredible. I must admit that I didn't get as far as I had hoped to today (but that seems to be the way this project has worked out from the beginning). I had wanted to have everything moved out of the old room so that I could get working on the cleaning and touchup painting in there starting tomorrow, but that will have to wait.

What I did get completed was moving everything into the new room, cleaned, and put more-or-less in place that will form the living room. Most things went pretty easily, but the couch was a problem like I expected it to be. I had built the bookshelves into the entryway of the older room some time after having moved in the couch, and I had to unload and dismantle the shelves to get it out. Fortunately I built the shelves in a good style which allowed me to take them apart and put them back together without too much difficulty, just some unexpected time and effort. Now that things are getting in place I can see how everything works, and I like it. The furniture sets pretty much as I had hoped and leaves a comfortable yet roomy feeling with enough room for the bar table I wanted to buy for eating meals. The colors of the room, the chalkboards, the rug, and the furniture, all works together really well also.

One of the time-consuming projects of the day was moving and cleaning the Macaquarium so that Clotho (my fish) and Celesta (my snail) would be comfortable in their new lodgings. This took a while but had great results. I made a new flex-lighting system and installed it and added a new airstone as well as the expected cleaning and filter change. The combination of things seems to have been like a restorative to Clotho who now flits all over the tank checking things out and moving like she's on speed. This is far from the lethargic fish I had just earlier today, and I'm very happy to see her so exuberant. The tank seems much more visible in the new room as well, and you can see right in and watch Clotho dashing about. In the old room, you had to bend down and look around most of the time to see Clotho, and this is a cool change as well.

Part of me wants to keep working on moving things into the new room, but I think I'll do better to get some rest and get going early in the morning. Even if it keeps taking longer than expected, at least the results are worth it now.

Posted Written at 1:14 AM

August 13, 2001

First thing this morning I got help from Robert the handyman to replace the cloth cord on one of the window counterweights with a chain. It was quite a pain in the ass, but we got it done. In the process we managed to rub a bit of dirt into the walls, forcing me to make one last application of touchup paint, but then it was done. With the various little touchups and repairs all done, the only thing left in the room was the floor.

Cleaning the spots from the rest of the floor was quite time-consuming, but the results were worth it. Once the stains and spots were removed, I went ahead with mopping. I used mop-bucket after mop-bucket of scalding water to lift up the dirt and clean the floors, and after about nine full moppings of the room I was satisfied. I ran fans all over the room to dry out the floor while I cleaned a couple of fans that had been gathering dust and paint and filth in the room during the course of the remodel. Once they were cleaned up, I went back to the room and got down to applying a healthy floor polish to the wood. The glowing results were super, but it was quite late. It's just as well since I wanted the floor to dry out completely over night before laying down the rug, but the shower I just finished has left me simply exhausted.

Even as tired as I am, I am excited about finally moving things into the room tomorrow. This is going to be great.

Posted Written at 1:28 AM

August 12, 2001

Today was full of a variety of work on the room, each thing finishing off one aspect or another and bringing me closer to having the room ready to move things in. It seems like there's no end to the painting, but all of the touchup was completed today and I got to paint the pipes and radiator silver. The silver paint is pretty noxious, and the smell gave me quite a headache, but anything is worth it at this point if I can finish everything. With painting done, I could finally get rid of the plastic drop cloths and sweep up the floor. From there I went forward with finally cleaning up the paint and wax and other splotches from the floor.

The floor was refinished very nicely at one time in this room, and the warm color and smooth finish are great things to be able to enjoy as a part of this room. Unfortunately, some painter or artist of some sort was pretty careless and let paint, wax, and adhesives drip all over the place. Using some Goof Off! brand remover, a paint scraper, and lots of elbow grease on a rag, I was able to get a little less than half of the room done before giving up pretty late.

Shortly after my shower, Steve called. For quite some time, he and Wallace have been getting upset about the way things have been happening at the SAGES, an adult gaming club that Wallace cofounded and developed about ten years ago. The club (which rents the entire second floor of an office building and has a gaming library, large-screen tv with a video collection, refrigerator stocked by the club with soft drinks and snacks, a variety of video game systems, networked computers, and of course plenty of large tables and comfy chairs for gaming) has had a dwindling membership for the past few years, causing individual membership costs to rise excessively. Most of the membership, except Steve and Wallace, are unwilling to open the membership to new people or to spend the effort organizing gaming festivals for the public to raise money. Not only does this bother Wallace and Steve because it makes the membership costs so high, but it also goes against everything that Wallace originally envisioned for the club. In fact, the SAGES became strong in its early years specifically because of having a fairly open membership policy and by holding a number of SAGEFESTs which raised enough money to cover all of the club expenses for quite a while. Steve was calling to say that Wallace, who had been reluctant to leave the club he had started, has finally had enough and wants to start a new group. He also wants to make sure that the club is run as a business and not as a clique, so he is determined to organize the new group as a 501c Nonprofit Organization through the state. All of this sounded good to me, and Steve hoped that I would be willing to help discuss options and put things together. I am quite willing, provided it was clear that I wouldn't be constantly available once school resumes, to help put things together. I have a few good ideas, in fact, that Wallace and I had developed with friends when we were developing a club together just before Wallace started the SAGES on his own. I still have all of the files from those efforts, and I am actually kind of excited about working on something like this again. It takes me back to my days running student organizations at the University of Toledo. It could indeed be fun.

Steve expects that we will get together on Friday evening, since that would be the first time that Wallace would have free time. Steve will call me back later with specifics after lining things up with Wallace. For the moment, I still have a lot of work to do on the room, but this new project would be fun to work on. I look forward to it.

Posted Written at 12:18 AM

August 11, 2001

I'm still feeling the effects of my allergies from Lafayette, and I'm tired from working on the room to add to all of it. I must admit that the room is finally coming together slowly but surely. I'm still hoping to get things moved in tomorrow, but there's still a lot to do if I'm going to get to that point.

I'm giving up hope that I'll have much time to relax and enjoy myself before classes start again. That fact, more than anything else, is really depressing me. I simply must have time to relax and work through some of my emotions before class starts. If I don't work through some of this, I'll probably end up having a nervous breakdown. Of course nobody will notice, so what's it matter anyhow. <sigh>

Posted Written at 12:57 AM

August 10, 2001

This morning was quite a jumble as Chip, me, Chip's mom, and Chip's nephew all juggled for time in the bathroom (and Chip's brother and sister just crashed for a while). Chip was back to work today, and I decided to just go back to Toledo. I love Chip deeply, but this visit has really disturbed me. Some things I've seen and remembered in town, some things Chip has said that have upset me, some ... I don't know ... just emotional connections that left me feeling even more empty than when I used to live in Lafayette.

I had planned to visit Lorna and Shannon (Chip's ex-wife), and some of my old employees, but Lorna was never around, I couldn't find Shannon (and Chip wasn't very forthcoming with info about her), and I eventually just decided that seeing my old employees would just make me more upset about having even less of a life and support network than I did while I was in Indiana.

The ride back was actually pretty ugly. I was depressed and stuck alone with five hours to think. Not good. I cried a few times (always fun while driving at high speeds), and just felt like hell when I got back to Toledo. Once here, I moved everything in from the car and then dug right into working on the new room. I know I was running away from my emotional issues, but I just can't deal with it all right now. Besides, there's still a whole hell of a lot of stuff to do if I'm ever going to finish this room, so I need to keep going at it.

Posted Written at 12:22 AM

August 9, 2001

I was up early today to get cleaned up and head to my dentist's appointment. As usual, I had a simple cleaning and checkup with no cavities or other problems. This trip was interesting because my dentist used a new laser tool that tests the teeth for cavities. I couldn't tell you how it works, but it was a neat new gadget that seemed typical of how up-to-date my dentist stays with new procedures and stuff. Lots of people think I'm nuts for driving as far as I do to see my dentist, but I'm loyal to a doctor that cares about me, knows what he's doing, and keeps current on new technologies. Besides, it gives me additional incentive to drive to Lafayette and visit my friends.

Speaking of whom, I spent the whole day with my friend Chip today. He slept in for a while since today was his day off and he had only gotten a couple hours sleep the night before I came, so I just spent time surfing the web on his computer and getting caught up a bit on the websites I used to always visit daily before I got stumped with the computer loss. Once Chip was up, I was a bit burned out on the computer and sat down to watch Boys and Girls, the movie with Freddie Prinze, Jr. I had figured it would be good for a few laughs at how hokey it was, but I ended up being quite impressed and really liking the movie. Chip and I ended up watching the remainder of the movie after he got out of the shower, then went out for lunch. After that, we drove around town looking for a movie we could both accept and ended up watching Shrek. Having seen it before, it lost a little of the magic for me, but it was still fun. After that we went back to Chip's place and watched Raising the Dead and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (this last one was the choice of Chip's nephew, who was visiting for the evening).

All-in-all, I was pretty tired most of the day. I was also suffering from dry eyes, runny nose, coughing, sneezing, etc. Apparently my allergies are going nuts in Indiana, and it isn't pretty. This is one part of the visit that I won't miss.

Posted Written at 2:05 AM

August 8, 2001

I drove to Lafayette today, arriving at about 2:30 PM if you consider the time change (Indiana is 1 hour earlier than Ohio at this time of year). I drove pretty much straight downtown to see Chip at work, and I had missed him by five minutes while he was on his lunch. I decided to drive over to see Lorna, but she wasn't home (in fact, she was never there the whole time that I was in Lafayette). I spent the time, instead, looking at this great used CD shop across town. I found the second Michael Penn album there, an album I have known existed but have never been able to find. I also found a great looking guy that worked there who was very nice to me. As usual, nothing happened, but it sort of depressed me to see this great guy and realize how alone I am.

I've been fighting this loneliness issue very strongly while I've been busy with the new room, but here in Lafayette I have no tasks to be completed and no work that I can tackle. I know it must seem really pathetic to read about how seeing someone that attracts me makes me become depressed, but that's how it is. I see great looking guys everywhere now, it seems, and I just know that none of them even notice me (or if they do, they at no moment have any interest in me), and this upsets me. It's not that I want everybody to want me or think I'm attractive or interesting - I just fear that I'll always be alone because nobody will ever be remotely interested. This whole issue has been subtly worrying me because I know that great looking guys will be everywhere I turn when I go back to college in a few weeks. It's going to be a big emotional stress to see all sorts of inaccessible young men looking irresistible all over the place.

Well, my insecurities and dysfunctional issues aside, I did finally meet up with Chip tonight. We went out to dinner and talked about all sorts of things. We shopped at the mall for a little while, and went to Barnes & Noble to see the photo exhibit that Chip and his Photo Coop had on display. The photo gallery was full of great stuff. Chip has a venue for his talent, and he has friends with similar talents to share his enthusiasm. I'm pleased to see him finally getting recognition for his art.

Once back at Chip's place, Chip showed me his new Photo Coop website and some other computer stuff, but we were both pretty tired, so we crashed pretty soon after we got there. I am really tired. I hope I can sleep some of this off.

Posted Written at 1:13 AM

August 7, 2001

My original intention was to get up early to be at the BMV when they opened, but I was simply exhausted each time I looked at the clock most of the morning. I finally got up at about 9:30, which was still fairly early I guess, but it was well after 11 AM by the time I left the building. The main branch of the BMV was, as always, packed with long lines, but I had to use the main branch for this visit. What I needed was to have my driver's license changed so that I don't have a restriction for my eyes any longer (I always used to wear one because I wore glasses, but my laser surgery was obviated that need). I also decided I should update the address since I used to list myself at the fourth floor room, but I have since given that up in exchange for the new room. So change an apartment number and change the restrictions listing from Type B to Type A. Simple, right? Of course not! This is the government we're dealing with here! So an easy procedure took almost an hour and a half, and only one person even had a clue how to make the changes. At least it's done. Oh yes, the new photo is just as uncomplimentary to me as the last one ...

I had a whole slew of other errands to run around town, including looking up information for Brendan about starting a corporation here in Ohio while he's still in Germany, but I managed to get everything done pretty well and still get back by 5. Once back, I spent time taking off masking. Nathan visited for a while during this process, and after a few hours I called it quits on working on the room. Some quick packing and finishing a last few little tasks pretty much has filled the rest of the evening, and I'm really tired. I hope I get up at a better hour tomorrow morning than today.

Posted Written at 12:27 AM

August 6, 2001

Today was a day of ups and downs. I got an early start with help from Robert, the handyman, to switch in the new deadbolts for both rooms, giving me better locks and a matching key for both rooms. This went well, and the locks work great except the lock on the new room is an imperfect fit and needs a trim-guard to back the deadbolt to cover a gap around the edges. I checked again for cracking on the paint and, while there was still some here and there, I think I may have succeeded in getting the paint to work. I spent a large part of the day doing touchup painting and then began removing the masking tape covering the woodwork. The multiple layers of paint and the long delay during this hot week or so since the tape was applied is making it very difficult to remove and is making me realize that I'll have to do touchup painting around almost all of the woodwork by the time this is all done.

Shannon stopped by for a little while late in the afternoon and helped me remove some of the masking. With her help, I uncovered the chalkboards and found that they made it through without and paint dripping on them, but I found that the woodwork around the chalkboards, which I had stripped and resealed, peeled up with the tape in some areas. This means all sorts more work to touch this up, and it will be tedious since there is no way to cover up the chalkboard surface to protect it from drips. Shannon also helped me re-screen the remaining window screen (Nathan had helped me with the first screen days ago). I also got Shannon to make sure I didn't fall out of the windows while I cleaned the outsides one more time.

After Shannon left I spent more time removing masking, but I had to give up after a while because I was just too stiff and tired. Tomorrow will be pretty full with a lot of errands to be completed so that I can leave for Lafayette Wednesday morning. I'm kind of looking forward to the trip, but I wish there wasn't still so much to do on the room.

Posted Written at 1:45 AM

August 5, 2001

The paint has held.

Admittedly, there has been some minor cracking here and there, but only if you really look hard for it, and let's face it - nobody else will be as anal as me, so why should I get so worked up? Painting did take all day, even with help from both Shannon and Joné, but a good solid coat is up everywhere. Not that there won't be more painting to do, but this is the big stuff.

Nathan stopped by in the evening and chatted with all of us. In fact, we all took a suggestion from Nathan and went to Shannon's for a dinner. We ate, talked, listened to music, and Joné cut Nathan's hair. We left about 11:30, having only been there for maybe two hours or so, but it was a nice break from the frenzy that the room has been putting me in.

Ah, simple times with friends. What a concept.

Posted Written at 12:45 AM

August 4, 2001

Well, pretty much as expected, the new coat of paint didn't work. I tried a sample square that I painted fully. While it dried some, I scraped off the remaining cracked paint that I didn't get to yesterday. By the time I was finished scraping and sweeping up, the paint sample had already begun to crack. So fuck me.

Well, fully expecting to have to use one of Robert's solutions, I drove out to buy supplies. It occurred to me to get a second opinion, so I went to the Sherwin-Williams Paint store and told them my problem. The lady at the paint store had some heavy-duty oil-based primer that she felt would be fine painted over the latex that's currently on the wall. I hope she's right. I got back and, with Shannon's help, painted the ceiling and a few parts of the walls. But once again, I ran out of paint even after the paint attendant had assured me that I would have enough. So I drove back for one more gallon of paint only to find that the store had closed less than an hour before at 5 PM. So now I have to wait 'til tomorrow to even finish painting on this new primer coat. Just great.

The good news is that the primer coat seems solid so far. Hopefully it will dry smooth and let me paint on the latex coat without a problem. If it does work, then I should be able to get the painting done before I leave town on Wednesday. I would still have a lot left to do, but the last major hurdle would be passed.

In retrospect, I didn't get a whole lot done today, but I feel better knowing that I might finally be able to finish this room project soon. I know I must sound like a whiny bitch, but this whole thing has just been stressing me out, and I want to just have it done so I can be lazy for a little while before school starts up again. Once school gets going I anticipate being quite busy. It will hopefully be fun and interesting, but it will still be a lot of effort and little time to be a slacker. We'll just have to see.

For now, I just want to have a chance to enjoy summer fun. Maybe in another week or so, but not yet. There's still much to be done.

Posted Written at 9:45 PM

August 3, 2001

I started today with a visit from the handyman for the building, Robert. I had asked yesterday at the office for some help from him to replace the locks on both the door to my old room and the door to the new room (I bought matching locks). I had tried to change them myself, but the holes in the door need to be widened, and I don't want to buy new wood-boring bits for my drill that I will likely never use again. Unfortunately, Robert didn't have those drill bits with him today, so we agreed to work on the locks first thing Monday.

I took the opportunity to chat with Robert about the problems I have been having with the paint chipping due to the high humidity. Robert said he always painted a base coat with an oil-based paint and then painted a latex coat over that to finish, and he always had success with that. He also mentioned that you can't paint oil over latex, so that means I would have to scrape off every square inch of paint I've already applied in the room. I don't like that idea.

With Robert gone, I started scraping the chipped paint from the ceiling and walls in the new room so that I can paint tomorrow. I had hoped to scrape off all of the loose stuff and then paint the room completely over the weekend, taking advantage of the low humidity and getting a solid paint job free of cracks. I mean, I've painted a few different rooms in this building, and I've never had this cracking problem. I know that it's the humidity - even Robert agreed with me on this - but my confidence after failing at this is low, and Robert's method of oil then latex (which would require days of scraping away paint) has just made me fear that even with the low humidity I might still have problems. The scraping ended up taking forever, taking me past 6 PM with scraping and still not finishing the whole room. I had to stop because my right arm was numb and I ached all over. And the prospect of having to scrape the whole room was practically giving me a nervous breakdown. I decided to finish scraping tomorrow morning and then paint some sample areas and watch for the results. If it cracks, I guess I'll just have to scrape everything off and start from scratch, extending the time, effort, and money in this project considerably. If it doesn't crack <hope, hope, hope> then I'll roll ahead at painting everything and hope that it holds solid and cures in a few days. If it can go about three days without cracking, it should be dried out throughout and not be anymore worry. I just dread that it might not work.

After a quick shower and some dinner (and feeling like I was under about ten times normal gravity, I was so weak and achey), I set up my new computer bag. My replacement bag, pens, and other stuff (with just a couple last things to replace) has finally all come together, and with the arrival of the bag today in the mail, I was able to put it all together. Now all I need is the laptop computer to put in the bag. Oh, for my new Powerbook G4 ...

Anyhow, after that I finished fixing up my filing system with the new labels I had made yesterday, and I got a little reading done. I had hoped once again to get more done today, particularly with the room remodel, but I guess I should be pleased with the amount I got through. I'm just impatient. I want these things to be done so that I can relax in these last three weeks or so before school. Hopefully everything can be wrapped up soon, because I need some time to rest my mind and body and do some relaxing things before the stresses of school recommence. But I guess I'll just have to see how things go. Tomorrow is one of the biggest factors. If I can paint without cracking, I should be able to get all of the painting done this weekend. That would put m on the path to getting things done. That's all I want.

I just want it done.

Posted Written at 12:05 AM

August 2, 2001

Well, while today wasn't everything that I had hoped, I still was able to get a lot accomplished. Persistence and patience paid off on checking out new insurance companies. I found a Motorists Mutual agent with great pricing (provided the rates don't change once they've made final assessments of my credit status, insurance history, and driving record (although I've pretty much already told them everything)). I also drove down to BGSU to work in the computer labs and get some files whipped up and printed out (more on that in a moment). I grabbed some more groceries while in BG so that I could buy my favorite brand of feta cheese (which I can only buy in BG). After some dinner and getting a receipt for the check I wrote earlier in the day to finalize the newly signed lease on the new room, I visited briefly with Christiana. From there I went to Kinko's to get the lamilabel applied to the files I had created on campus earlier (lamilabel is a type of lamination that seals in paper and had a peel-off backing on one side so that it is adhesive). I spent more time at Kinko's cutting out the lamilabeled stuff. Once back at the Arts Center I pulled out my handiwork - custom-made labels for all of my self-recorded video tapes and new labels for the file folders in my filing system. I spent a bit of time putting on the video tape labels, and updated some paperwork, and that was about it.

It was a busy day once again. Not a day of great accomplishments or great progress, particularly considering that the new room is at a standstill, but it was okay. And the good news for the day, seen on the 11 o'clock news, was that a high pressure front will move in late tomorrow and push away this ugly humidity for the weekend. Hopefully this will mean that I can get some successful painting done in the new room this weekend. I can only hope.

Posted Written at 11:41 PM

August 1, 2001

Everything is wrong.

I tried to paint a coat of paint onto the exposed plaster from where I scraped the ceiling paint earlier, so that I could build a primer coat. It has already cracked, so I will have to scrape everything off again. I tried to scrape off the oversplashed paint on the window panes from when I painted the frames, and ended up scraping the paint here and there and having to repaint the windows. I tried to get some water when I bought groceries today (I buy fresh water in refillable 3-gallon jugs), but the water machine was broken. I tried to get my locks changed, but I couldn't get them to fit properly. I tried to get Shannon's (Chip's ex-wife's) phone number so that I can visit her when I go to Lafayette), but I failed. One of my snails, the gold one named Eros (love) died today. And that's just the highlights.

Basically, the heat, a mood swing, nothing ever going right, and seeing a bunch of beautiful young men that I will never get to know in any way shape or form has just depressed me beyond belief. As the day has progressed, I have just sunk lower and lower into sadness. I hate my life.

I hate everything.

Posted Written at 11:57 PM