I must have cried for an hour or more in bed last night before I exhausted myself into sleep. Today hasn't been as emotionally painful as yesterday, but I have still had a couple of crying fits and have been overall very down and empty-feeling. Nothing seems to ever go right in my life, and how am Supposed to keep trying to succeed when there seems to be no chance that such a thing will ever occur, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much time I put into it, and no matter how well it would work for someone else if done exactly the same way. I'm just doomed to always have everything go wrong and leave me a failure. A loser.

I finished reading the second Harry Potter book today. Then I read all of S.E. Hinton's book Rumble Fish. Now I'm well over half way through reading A Wrinkle in Time. I've read this book before, but I bought two books that follow up with the same characters, so I decided to reread it before I read them. I'll probably finish this book and start the next tomorrow. At this rate, I'm going to finish all of the new books I've bought in only a week or two. That doesn't help too much since I imagine it will be a fair bit longer before I have a new Powerbook. Damn but I feel lost not using my computer throughout the day.

I want to erase my life and start again. Maybe it would be better to erase my life and just stay that way - erased. But if I could just try again, either with different parents or in a different age or with some idea of what's to come or some idea of what it's really supposed to be like to be a kid, a teenager, and a young adult so that I don't miss having really experienced those things. Just a chance to know who I am, find real friends, and have people that I really could love who loved me too. Isn't that normal? Isn't that what most people get? I just want what everybody else had. Just a simple, common life that I could look back upon and smile.

Look back and smile ... what a nice thought. I should have that, It only seems fair. But I don't, and that is a big part of the emptiness that I feel.

Posted Written at 11:33 PM

June 29, 2001

Today has sucked. I got wrapped up in helping Christiana with a bunch of her errands and was away in her non-air-conditioned car most of the day. When I got back a few minutes before 6 PM, I had a message from the insurance adjuster for my stolen computer claim telling me to return her call before 6. Of course she wasn't there when I called, so I have to wait all weekend to talk to her, and I may not even be able to reach her Monday because of the holiday. I just don't know when I'll get to speak to this adjuster, and the longer I'm delayed means the longer I continue without a computer. Now that there's pretty much no question that I'll have to switch to a new computer and somehow have to learn to live without the files I've lost, I'm getting depressed.

Not spending hours per day at my computer should probably be a good thing since I'd be outside or interacting with people or doing something potentially more constructive, but I feel even more lonely than usual without my computer as my lifeline. It's a sad statement, but that computer was all I had that made my life remotely bearable. Watching tv, talking with Christiana or Nathan, and even reading a real book (as opposed to an electronic story) is getting boring and is not distracting me enough from thinking about how much my life sucks.

And my life does suck. The past few days I have been getting more and more depressed, and I've been crying more and more. I have thought that perhaps I just feel this way because I'm upset about the computer, but I realized today that it's more than that. I've been using the computer to hide from acknowledging the completeness of how empty and worthless my life is. And now it's gone, leaving me nothing to hide behind, nothing to keep me distracted from facing the truth, nothing to give me some momentary amusement as a challenge to the absence of any happiness anywhere in my life. I truly have absolutely nothing worth living for.

I don't want to be alone like this ... so empty and alone. It hurts so much, and no one seems to care. No one wants to understand or help me, they all just want me to do something for them and then vanish. Maybe they see how worthless I am, too, and they figure that's all I deserve. Maybe they don't think I ever can be happy, so why try to help. Maybe they're right. Maybe I can't ever be happy. I certainly have no reason to believe that I can have happiness. Maybe this is my fate. I just don't understand it. It's all so senseless; so hopeless.

Ironically what I really need is hope, but I can't come up with hope anymore. And nobody seems to be providing any. And that just means I'm doomed. Doomed to be alone. Doomed to be unhappy. Doomed to be completely empty.

Posted Written at 10:56 PM

June 28, 2001

An endless series of reminders has pointed out how alone and empty I am, with various things popping up throughout the day. Seeing happy couples together that I know, seeing beautiful boys and men (almost all shirtless whenever I saw them today) that I will never be close to, hearing others tell me about how loved they feel and how much their partner has done for them recently, being stared at like I'm disgusting or worthless to the people who have waited on me at various stores today, and reading the beginning of the second Harry Potter book and realizing that I have been treated as poorly as Harry by his family and friends who want me to be silent and invisible until I am needed to perform some task and who carelessly forget my birthday, my desires and needs, and pretty much my whole existence.

Yes, I'm having a pity party all by myself.

I have descended into this, being fairly upbeat this morning but dipping further and further emotionally down as the day has progressed and I have been further and further beaten down.

I have to stop. I can't stop crying now. I just want to be happy. Just happy.

Posted Written at 11:38 PM

June 27, 2001

After some further searching, collecting, printing, and copying, I turned in all of my receipts and estimates to the insurance company today. My early-morning calls to the BGSU library and campus police were fruitless, and I decided I have to move forward and deal with the fact that I'll have to get a new computer and somehow manage to pull together as much of the files and information that I've lost as I can. I'm not looking forward to that, but I'll deal with it. On the positive side, the insurance agent seemed certain that the adjuster would call me by the end of this week and certainly no later than Monday. That doesn't mean that he'll cut me a check right away, but at least it will get the ball rolling. That, at least, will give me some peace of mind.

Getting everything sorted out for the insurance claim took most of my day. By the time I got back it was time to go to the Summer Concert Series at Wildwood MetroPark. The music (some youth-opera selections) were good, but it had just rained, leaving a sticky, humid atmosphere full of mosquitos all over the place. I could have done without that part. After I got back to the Arts Center, I finished reading Harry Potter (book 1) while watching "You Don't Know Jack!" and then watching the first episode of Gormenghast on PBS (very bizarre but interesting show).

I've spent a fair amount of time yesterday and today thinking about a guy that waited on me (as a cashier) at Media Play yesterday. He was probably only 17 or 18, but he seemed very mature in the way he handled himself in the rush of customers and how he worked with customers. I caught him as things were dying down and spoke to him for a few minutes. He was really pleasant to talk to, like he actually was interested in talking to me, and I was just spellbound by him - cute, intelligent, well-spoken, obviously ambitious, and possessing that magical quality of still seeing the whole world laying before him. It was like seeing everything I want and need in one person, but I knew he could have anyone he wanted ... certainly someone more attractive, younger, and more prosperous than me. It was sort of depressing to think how inadequate I would be for him, but I still can't stop thinking of him, and I can see his face perfectly in my mind still. That facial image doesn't usually last with me, but there was just something about him that made me realize he's special. I just wish he was close enough to touch.

Posted Written at 11:37 PM

June 26, 2001

Today has been a very full day and fortunately not one full of depression.

I called this morning to both the campus library and the campus police at BGSU, and nobody had found my bag or computer. Impressions seem to be that I'm screwed. I don't want to jump the gun, so I'm waiting until tomorrow to file a claim with my insurance company, but I did start finding receipts and getting quotes for replacing the things that were stolen. I'll have to pick up one of the estimates for the computer tomorrow, and I have to get one more estimate off of the web, but that will be everything. Christiana let me use her computer today, so I was able to get a lot of quotes for replacements. Unfortunately I can't check my e.mail or post to my website ... or update my checkbook or read new chapters to the stories I follow on the internet or keep up with news on the internet ... I'm already feeling lost without my computer, and I probably have a long wait ahead before I have a new one.

Anyhow, I managed to get other things done around the computer fiasco. I invited Joné to join us tomorrow night at the Wildwood Concert Series that Christiana and I plan to go to. I spoke with Joné for quite a while today, spent a good bit of time with Christiana, chatted briefly with a few residents in the building, had a phone call for an hour with Shannon, and went with Christiana this evening to visit Nathan, who was quite pleasant tonight.

I also found out from Joné and Lee that one of the classroom studios in C-wing that I have wanted may be available very soon, and they will let me have first pick of it if it's available. If I could get that room, I could get rid of the room on 2nd floor B-wing and the room on 4th floor B-wing, have both rooms on 3rd floor C-wing behind a security door with a private bathroom, and cut back my rent to $205 per month for both rooms while getting myself more space and less hassle from having rooms all over the building. Some of the things that annoy me about living at the Collingwood Arts Center would still be present, but having the rooms all right next to each other, next to the bathroom, and at a low cost solves some problems. Even the rising costs of gasoline for driving back and forth to Bowling Green seems less important since my rent would be so much cheaper per month. If only the Arts Center would evict Jay (my nemesis and tormentor), then living here would very much be bearable again.

I've also, between yesterday and today, read almost all of the first Harry Potter book, so I bought the next book for a good read. I also picked up Wicked by Gregory MacGuire. I have read this book before, but I have given away three copies that I have bought to friends of mine. I actually lent the book to Joné because she just finished reading Harlan Ellison's Deathbird Stories that I had lent her. Wicked is the story of the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz, but told as her autobiography and shows her as the victim of Dorothy and Glinda. At least this time I'll get Wicked back. I also got MacGuire's more recent effort, Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister, told from the perspective of Cinderella's sisters. This promises to be a fun read, too.

So tomorrow I file my claim with the insurance company (unless I get lucky and someone finds my computer by the time I call again in the morning). And in the evening I'll go to the Concert Series with Christiana, Joné, and possibly Nathan. It has the potential to be a decent day. Let's hope so.

Posted Written at 12:11 AM

June 25, 2001

============================================== As you will read in the following Journal entry (and in others which follow this date), my laptop was stolen on this day of June and I have been unable to post updates to the website until I finally used the computers in the campus labs. In hindsight, all of the hassles I had from Blogger.com might have been worth muddling through since I could have still posted Journal entries from someone else's computer. But I made due anyhow. What you will read in these blue (now black) entries will be the Journals I kept on paper while I had no computer available. I have spent time typing all of this in so that the Journals have some form of completeness. I hope you appreciate it (all one or two of you who ever read this)
============================================================================

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

I'm sorry.

FUCK!!!

What the hell is wrong with my life that everything must be so complicated? My plan today had been to go apartment hunting in Bowling Green today, trying to spur myself forward into something constructive. I got a late start, sleeping in later than usual and then having to take some time to set Christiana up with my Walkman (for which I had to find batteries and headphones and stuff). I eventually got down to BG and went straight to the university.

I had gone to BG yesterday to buy a Sunday paper but found that it was a Saturday paper after I had returned to Toledo. SO I figured I could go to the university library, check out the Sunday paper, make a copy of the apartment listings (and some story notes I wanted to play with). I also figured I could make hard copies of a few newer poems and some other files that would be handy. I found the paper okay, made copies, and sat down to review the apartment possibilities.

I took a brief break to run to the restroom and grab a drink of water from the water fountain right next to the bathroom. I couldn't have been gone more than two or three minutes, and I wasn't very far from my seat, but when I got back my bag was gone - with my computer in it.

I looked around really quick, then went straight to the front desk and told them my bag was gone. I have to say they were great. They jumped into action, mobilized the entire library staff, made an announcement about the bag and computer having been stolen and their descriptions, and searched the library. Unfortunately, it's a six story library with about an acre of space per floor. A campus police officer came and took a report and looked around, and I stayed for nearly two hours watching the only exit, but nothing turned up. I have to tell you, though, every person that left with a bulky backpack made me wonder what was inside. Of course it's the end of the first summer session and people are crunching and carrying all of their books, but it didn't help my nerves knowing that just because a bag was stuffed that it didn't necessarily have my computer inside.

I drove back to Toledo to dig up my serial number for campus police, and I called my insurance company as well. At least it sounds like I'll be covered by my renter's insurance. Not just for the computer but for everything that was stolen. That gave me a little peace of mind, but it still doesn't help that all of my files are gone and someone has access to every scrap of information about my life. My last backup was (I think) in March, so I've lost a whole lot of poems, financial records, notes, story beginnings, and e.mail. That would be bad enough if I could just get a new computer right away, but I know that an insurance claim will take forever before I get a check sent. And of course I probably couldn't get a new Powerbook for weeks or a month even once I had a check considering what the Mac websites have been saying about shipping delays.

Hopefully it won't come to that. Hopefully my computer will be found and returned. The people in the library think that the thief might have dropped it or stashed it once they made the announcement, and they figured either the staff would find it or the cleaning crew would find it during the wee hours of the morning. I hope that happens. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all of the shit I'd need to do otherwise.

It's not like me to be optimistic or hopeful, but I have to try. Being without my computer for even a day is something I am already cringing about. It's sad, but my whole life revolves around the computer right now. I don't know if I can stay sane without it. Let's hope I don't have to try.

Posted Written at 12:08 AM

June 24, 2001

I've started reading the Harry Potter books. I was hooked right away, and so far I've had trouble putting the book down. At the rate I'm going, I'll be done with the book tomorrow, and I didn't even start until mid-afternoon today. I spent part of my morning in BG buying a newspaper so I could look at apartment listings. I didn't check the paper when I bought it and, just my luck, it was a Saturday paper rather than a Sunday. Usually, Sunday papers have more listings than Saturdays, so I'll have to drive down to BG tomorrow to check things out. I guess I can check out the Sunday paper at the library. I wanted to get a listing for apartments from the local realtor anyhow, and they aren't open on Sundays, so tomorrow works well.

Hopefully I'll be able to schedule some appointments to view houses during the day or early evening tomorrow so that I don't have to keep driving back and forth to BG, but time is drawing short, so I should get a jump on finishing a place to move if I'm going to make this happen.

A nice, affordable apartment in Bowling Green would really give me a chance to get out of my rut - a change of perspective, less hassle driving and paying for auto expenses, nearby to do on-campus activities, and far away from the annoyances and aggravations of the Arts Center. Hopefully it will all come together soon so that I can start planning things, arranging changes, and packing stuff. I don't want to find something at the last minute and be running around like a mad man to move in before school starts. But we'll just have to wait and see.

A new start, a change of venue, and a return to normalcy (none of which I have here at the Arts Center), would definitely be a wonderful thing.

Posted at 11:41 PM

June 23, 2001

I'm tired. Very tired. I have been feeling tired all day, but I haven't been doing anything. I need to get out of this rut, but I don't see a way out. I just wish someone would help me. If someone just showed the smallest amount of compassion it would go a long, long way. I don't know why I think anyone might ever care, but I just know now that I can't do this alone. I just don't have it in me.

Where are you, my savior? Who are you, and when will you find me? I've waited so long, and I can't wait any longer. Help me. I need you.

Posted at 12:10 AM

June 22, 2001

Nathan has been calling on and off over the last week. He leaves messages that sometimes are intentionally mean and hurtful (he admits that he does this, both during previous conversations we've had as well as subsequent messages he leaves), but he also leaves normal messages saying he wants to see me. Sometimes Nathan just has bad timing and I'm away in the bathroom or something, but sometimes I'm just screening calls and don't want to talk to him. When I want to talk to him, he's impossible to find since he doesn't have a phone and is rarely home.

I feel a bit guilty for not answering when I'm around and Nathan calls, but I'm angry that Nathan finds some perverse pleasure in hurting me, even if it is only with words. It's not just my imagination, he has said that he enjoys it. I have made it clear to him that that isn't something I think one friend does to another. Joking is one thing, but this is just downright mean. So I'm feeling guilty for avoiding Nathan, but I can't bring myself to talk to him and treat him as my friend when he abuses me like that. I lived with that shit all of the 18 years when I was growing up with my family, and I have faced it since then from various "friends" who thought it was "fun to get me upset" (their words).

It's strange, but as little self-respect and self-confidence that I have, I still won't accept that sort of treatment anymore. Granted, I tend to avoid it rather than stop it, but in my opinion the only way to stop it is to beat the shit out of the guilty party, and if they still want to be my friend I wouldn't ever be able to trust that they weren't still thinking those thoughts or saying those things behind my back. So if I'm going to lose friendship with that person anyhow, I might as well just simply cut them out of my life.

Thinking about this has made me realize that I do have at least a certain level of self-respect because I won't accept this type of verbal abuse, I will defend myself physically, I won't abuse myself with alcohol, drugs, or smoking (although I admit that a larger part of the reason for not doing these things is because I don't want to become an addicted asshole like my parents), I won't sleep with someone not just to 'get off' and then feel guilty and empty later, and I won't get piercings or tatoos or dye my hair because I think it would be disrespecting my body (not that I mind those things on other people, but I just don't feel they're right for me). I even have a pretty strong respect for my ability to do anything I put my mind to and to do it well. None of these things have helped me be happy with my life unfortunately, but even with as much as I hate the life I lead, I still feel like I have more self-respect than a lot of people.

I guess it's all a matter of perspective. If I let people walk all over me, did drugs and alcohol, slept around, covered my body in tatoos, and decided to just take some crappy job and be a careless employee, then I'd be like the vast majority of Americans. It's not necessarily the rest of the world that's wrong - I'm definitely in the minority - but I can't just do those things and not hate myself. I don't know why I care about these things when other people don't, but I do. And it sucks.

I often wish I were stupid and blindly ignorant so that I could live like everyone else and not care at all about it. But I can't. And it sucks.

Everything sucks.

Posted at 10:41 PM

June 21, 2001

Today was bizarre. The power in the building went out twice, and the power in C-wing (where I was for most of the day) went out two additional times. Christiana had the day off from work, but she didn't answer her phone at any point during the day when I called. Not getting hold of Christiana put a damper on going to the Spaghetti Warehouse to watch Joné's theater group perform since I was supposed to go with her. Not getting through to Joné added to that whole evening plan not happening. The weather was cooler today, but it was strangely overcast all day, seeming like it was late evening all day since the light was so dim. I tried a new brand of feta cheese today, too, which probably doesn't sound too bizarre, but it really was NOT feta cheese - someone lied when they made it. It wasn't bad, but it was definitely not feta. That serves me right for not getting the brand I really like and settling for what was available. I also watched Mortal Combat on tv which, although I knew the storyline, was still strange because Christopher Lambert seems strangely like his role in Highlander, even though he was an immortal Highland Scot in Highlander and an indeterminate nationality of oriental God in Mortal Combat. Add to all of that my remembrances of things that happened yesterday at the Zoo, and the day was just plain odd.

Other than the strangeness of it all, the day was rather laid back. Not big struggles, no big exertions, and no big mood swings. In a way it was nice to not have anything stressing me out, but it was also boring at times today. Am I the biggest whiner ever or what?

I guess as much as I don't want to work this summer, I am still wishing for something to focus upon. If financial aid hadn't failed, I would have focused on school, but that didn't happen. I had also planned to write a number of chapters in my proposed story for this site, but that just isn't going anywhere. I'm just completely unable to get the story underway. It sucks.

And pretty soon I'm just going to be burned out on reading, playing games, wandering around town, and trying to get all of my frustrations and sadnesses worked out. For the moment, those things have their place, but it won't last long. Once I get to that point, I'm not sure what I'll do.

Posted at 11:05 PM

June 20, 2001

Today was the first time I have seen my niece and nephew since a year ago Easter. My sister brought her kids, her husband, our mother, and our grandmother to Toledo for a day at the Toledo Zoo. My family has a complex (or you could call it dysfunctional) relationship, and the day was somewhat strained. As family outings go for me, this was fairly decent - no aggravating or depressing comments from the rest of the family that I didn't expect, no denials of the realities of our fucked up childhood (not that there was anything admitted or accepted, but not denying "the horror" is a distinct change), and very little rewriting of history (my mom (and most of the family) "remember" things in the fashion that they want to remember it, often having little semblance to the factual events regardless of how many eyewitnesses would contradict them). So like I said, not as bad as it could have been (or usually is).

The zoo itself was great. I always enjoy our zoo (which is considered one of the five best in the country), and there was a lot of new things to see since I was last there (almost two years ago). My niece and nephew were very excited and wanted to show every new animal they saw to everyone. They were both pretty worn out by the end of the day (my nephew is 5 and my niece is 2-1/2).

I really wish I could spend more time with both of them. In fact my sister has invited me to visit her (she lives in Delaware on the Cape near the Maryland border). I just can't go, though. I've had a number of different interactions with my sister in the last few years when I have visited, and I never feel welcome for very long. As much as I would like to spend more time with my niece and nephew, it's better this way. I'd rather have their thoughts of me be few and pleasant that more numerous and clouded by some disagreement my sister and I might have. I wish my family wasn't so fucked up and overcomplicated, but it's too late for that to happen.

At least I had the chance to see the kids today. It's been far too long. Hopefully I'll see them again soon.

Posted at 11:29 PM

June 19, 2001

I watched the new show Go Fish! tonight. It has Will Friedel and Andy Dick and ... mmmmm .... Keiran Culkin. Keiran is really beautiful. The show was pretty lame, unfortunately. In all fairness it was just the first episode and the show does have a lot of potential for storylines and good fun, but it just kind of fell flat. There were a couple really amusing scenes (but not laugh-out-loud funny), and a few lame scenes, plus stuff to hold it together and build up an idea of how everyone is interrelated and what the show is basically about. So maybe it was just the fact that they were laying all of this groundwork, but I'm used to Will Friedel and Andy Dick being laugh-out-loud funny. Hopefully that will change as the show grows. Keiran Culkin, on the other hand .... wow ... I'll watch the show just to see him. He is just so cute.

Do I sound like a 13-year old girl?

Well, I might as well fantasize about Keiran Culkin. I have about as much chance of having a relationship with him as I do with anyone at this point. It actually hurts to see good looking guys when I walk around now. I went grocery shopping today and saw a few cuties. My initial reaction was happiness because they were so beautiful to look at. Moments later that turned to envy and a bit of sadness as I realized that I could never be that cute. And inevitably that leads to a split-second later feeling really sad as I realize that I'll never have that person or anyone like them to share my life with. It's not always just rally good looks, either, it's often that indefinable quality I look for in some people (you know, where they really seem to get something out of life, are filled with wonder about the world, aren't cynical or burnt out on life). I guess it doesn't matter if they're cute or not or of they have that special energy or not - they're still beyond my reach.

It just hurts to feel this way. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel so empty. I have so much I want to give, so much I want to be able to help, so much I know I can provide ... but it doesn't really matter when there's no one to give it to.

Maybe I should be content with being depressed like I am. If I wasn't so depressed and lethargic right now, I'd probably have the motivation to kill myself. I still don't know if that would be a bad thing or not - I have arguments supporting both sides - but I guess it's better not to finally do it just yet. At least not while I can watch Keiran Culkin on tv every Tuesday night.

Posted at 12:49 AM

June 18, 2001

Gabriel is once again looking for a proofreader for his online gay romance, Miracle. Apparently his old proofreader has proved incompetent, and he has sent e.mails to all of the people who had offered to help earlier. I was one of those people (as you might remember from earlier Journal entries), and I replied that I was still interested. Gabriel is being a little more cautious this time, so he has a test for prospective proofreaders to fill out. It's a bit long, in my opinion, but he has a right to be careful (because the first chapter of Miracle was full of stuff that any proofreader should have caught). Anyhow, we'll see how this goes. With any luck, I'll be proofreading a story by an author I like. Hopefully that will inspire me in my own writing.

Outside of this Journal my writing has come to a halt. Even poetry has seemed difficult to focus on, and I usually can write poetry even better when I'm upset or depressed. I'm sure it's just a dry spell, but I really want to get some writing done. I think it will pull me out of this depression if I could, but it just won't come.

In other news, Baldur's Gate is frustrating me - not because it's really tough to win at (although it is challenging), but because auto-saves, quick-saves, and loading (all of which happen when you move to different areas of the map or move to an indoor area) take forever. There is nothing quick about a quick save. And quitting is worse. The game needs to "Clear game data" before it even saves or quits. Each of those three steps, clearing, saving, and quitting, takes about the same ridiculously long amount of time, and it can get really frustrating. Maybe I'm just a bit impatient, but when it takes five minutes or more to do a "quick save," it's just way too long.

But I guess I just complain too much. I actually really am getting some pleasure out of playing Baldur's Gate, and it has kept me sane (always a good thing). Now if I could just win the lottery, I'd be all set.

Posted at 12:14 AM

June 17, 2001

It doesn't seem to matter how many games I play or how interesting something is to read, because this depression I've been in has been very hard to ignore. My mind keeps playing games with me, remembering things I'd rather not remember but then going further and playing the "should've/would've/could've" game of 20/20 hindsight. I'm okay when I' completely focused on Baldur's Gate or a story, but in the shower, waiting for a game to save, while eating - whatever I might do that doesn't completely focus my attention - my mind immediately starts fucking around with me. I should probably just face all of these memories and figure a way to deal with them, but it seems impossible to resolve these things that have bothered me my whole life. Besides, I really just feel so exhausted lately that I just don't want to have to exert that much energy.

I know I must sound like a lazy bastard, but it's not that kind of tired. It's a tired that no amount of sleep will get rid of and no amount of proper diet and exercise can cure. It's a fatigue and exhaustion that comes straight from the pit of my soul, and it aches to simply have an end so that it can finally rest. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of hoping. But most of all I'm just tired of the pain and emptiness. It never comes to feel commonplace or bearable, even with the constancy of it, and I just want it to go away. I just want everything to go away.

Posted at 1:49 AM

June 16, 2001

I've been playing Baldur's Gate on my computer for the past couple of days. It has kept me occupied and focused, and since I don't want to mull over all of the depressing feelings that I have been having, this sort of distraction isn't such a bad thing.

Baldur's Gate is an action/adventure game set in a fantasy setting. It's based on the classic Dungeons & Dragons role-playing system and has been very well designed for graphics, game-play, and expansive storyline. It has been fun and thought-provoking, raising many challenges and mysteries to be solved within the storyline. The only thing that bothers me is that the "Quick Save" is anything but quick. Oh, and I've also been bothered at the program crashing the last couple of days, but that has been because the heat and humidity was so bad that my DVD-ROM drive in my Powerbook bay has been heating up like a bitch and the system needs an occasional break. I don't expect this to be a problem now that the temperature and humidity are decreasing for the next week.

Christiana called tonight asking me again about being roommates, wondering if I was having second thoughts. I guess I am, but not because of her. I just have this malaise about everything, and I don't feel motivated about anything, including moving. Deep down, I know that I want nothing more than to get out of this building, but the lack of motivation and the depressing look on life right now don't make it seem worth thinking about right now. I expect that will change sometime (hopefully soon), but I just don't feel into it. Christiana's recent burst of motivation has not helped either, since she drives me nuts with pushing and pushing, over and over and over again, trying to get my approval and support for the things she wants to do. I suppose that's fine on its own, but she just ends up making me want to think about it even less and eventually leaves me feeling even more shitty when I look at her motivation in comparison to my waste-of-life existence. Well, that's how I feel anyhow.

Tomorrow I should drive to BG for a newspaper to look for apartment listings. I don't really feel into it, but I should try anyhow. We'll see.

Posted at 3:57 AM

June 15, 2001

Tijuan called me last night. It was the first time I had heard from him for quite a while. It sounds as though things are about the same as always for him in Chicago, and he just keeps working, spending every last cent he makes on comics, collectibles, clothes, and toys (cell phone, etc.), and going out clubbing most weekends without ever finding anyone he wants to go out with.

Tijuan has been interested in some sort of relationship with me for a while. It seems mostly a sexual interest, even though I cut that part of the relationship short at an early point. I really like Tijuan and enjoy talking to him, but I wasn't sure (and I'm still not sure) how well we would fit together as a couple. With that in mind, I didn't want a relationship deeply into sex because that would possibly be all the would be there, and I'd much rather have Tijuan as a friend than as a rejected lover. It hasn't been easy to deal with the remaining relationship, though, because we're both still into each other but don't have the sex, don't live remotely near each other, and both have very different ideas of how to live life (Tijuan thinks you just work, make as much money as you can, and spend everything you make to enjoy yourself. I, on the other hand, think that money can't buy happiness and generally just makes you spend time gaining money that you could better use for quality time.).

It's strange to talk to Tijuan knowing that we both still have deeper desires for each other. With so many people that don't feel any connection to me even though I love them deeply (all of these weird unrequited loves like Erik and Ken and Simon ..., it's weird to not be jumping at a relationship with someone that really likes me for who I am, even with my flaws. And Tijuan feels that way - he even said so again when we talked last night. It's just that I don't feel that we have enough common interests to have a lasting relationship. Lasting friendship - yes; lasting relationship where we spend all sorts of time together - well, I'm not so sure. The bottom line is that I'm afraid to see it all get screwed up and lose Tijuan as a friend all together. And what's the point of worrying about it anyway. Tijuan's in Chicago, and I'm here in Toledo. I know (at least I'm pretty sure) that Tijuan would never move here, and I can't afford to move back to Chicago, even if I didn't have school to worry about.

That was something else Tijuan said, that I should just forget about school and get a job. I'm not sure if he doesn't see the college degree as very important or if he wants me to work so I can get a job back in Chicago and be around for him. He used to work for me, so he knows how good I was as a manager, but he never understood why I ended up hating my job so much. I just don't know if I want to go back to work yet. It's not as though I have a passion for finishing college - I don't. I wish I did, but I'm not really passionate about anything right now because there seems to be so little I can realistically expect to get out of the world. I just don't see where working is any better than going to school. In fact, I can see school as having definite perks over working, even as stressful and hectic as it can get at times. I just want something I could really enjoy.

The only job I've seen for a long while that has interested me is being a Store Manager for one of the new Apple Stores that Apple Computer is opening up across the country. That I could be passionate about. But I'm also sure that the competition will be fierce, and without a finished degree and no work for two years, I'm not sure how marketable I am even with my credentials from my previous management positions. I won't rule it out - when they post for the position for Store Manager at something in the Midwest, I'll send a resume. Right now they're opening West Coast, East Coast, and Florida stores. Later in the year, things will shape up. I hope I'll at least get an interview. I could at least get some serious consideration if I could go through an interview and discuss my management experience and my ideas, but the resume itself is going to look hollow because of the time I've been spending at college. I'll just have to wait and see. Maybe I could get one of the stores in Chicago. That would be awesome. But right now it's all just a fantasy.

Posted at 10:52 PM

June 14, 2001

I'm melting!! ... Melting!!! Look what you've done! Auuggghhhh!!!

Well, the Wicked Witch of the West had nothing on me today. It has just simply been hot as hell. Temperatures in the high 90's, humidity in the 70%+ range, and no cloud cover, bringing the heat index to almost 110 degrees. Whatever happened to Spring?

We've been going through this weird weather cycle here in Toledo. It starts to warm up for Spring, then it gets cold (like late Fall), then it gets way hot, then next week it's supposed to be in the 80's and mild -and then likely super hot again. Why can't Mother Nature just make up her mind?

The hot, humid weather is uncomfortable for everyone, but I feel really uncomfortable in it. I tend to stay warm even in the winter, and I wish it would be in the high 60's or low 70's all year round with very little humidity. Once it gets hot (I mean just normal hot, not this sauna kind of hot we have now), I get uncomfortable, sweaty, and get headaches. Sadly, I don't have A/C here at the Arts Center, so the past couple of years have been rather uncomfortable.

I considered buying a low-power air conditioner last year (the old wiring in the Arts Center can't stand much electrical draw, so the average air conditioner would be blowing fuses all over the place), but I waffled on the idea for almost a month, and by then it was late August and I figured I be at college during the day (where I would have A/C or sweaty classrooms, depending on which buildings I had for classes). Now I'm rethinking the A/C thing. I know I could get the air conditioner at a reasonable price, and I'm tempted, but now I don't know if I'll be here since I want to move. I've been reconsidering a move to some extent, but I'm still leaning in favor of moving if I can find a nice, affordable place in BG. But that's still up in the air.

So for the next couple of days, I'll sweat (even with the fan blowing full-power straight at me all day). Maybe I'll sweat off some extra pounds. I should be so lucky.

Posted at 1:02 AM

June 13, 2001

Let me set a scene for you. Just read, and imagine this happened to you, then tell me if I'm being irrational and unfair.

Yesterday morning, I got a message on my machine at about 9:30 am (I was in the shower) from Steve. Steve is a part of the group of 'friends' that I used to hang out with but who have pretty much abandoned me or just called me only to use me. Steve was a late arrival to the group, having gone to high school with most of them and then moved away to the military and later working for Digital Equipment in Boston before returning to Toledo. Steve and I got along well, but he was the first of the group that I saw wasn't really a friend (by my definition) but a user. I haven't seen or heard from Steve since February 8th, 2000, except for two occasions. First was Wallace and Jeanne's wedding in May 2000 (Steve and I were both in the wedding party). The second time was an e.mail from Steve asking to use my name to change power companies; all of Steve's utilities and phone are in my name because Steve is paranoid about having his name publicly accessible. I indulged him by putting the utilities in my name, but it was a clear example to me of Steve-as-user that this e.mail simply stated his desire to do this and said nothing else (no 'How are you?', no 'Thanks for doing this!' - whatever). I replied to that e.mail and never heard anything else.

Until today. In Steve's message he said he needed me to write a letter stating that the utilities were in my name but that he paid them. I knew that Steve had lost his job at the telephone company about a month ago and was still trying to find a job, but I didn't know much else. Apparently Steve has applied for Food Stamps (which I, even with my small income, have never done) and the Food Stamp people want to see for sure that Steve is not a dependent of anyone else. So, he needs a letter from me to reassure them that Steve pays the bills even though they're in my name. He called at 9:30 AM telling me he needed this and saying he was coming to the Arts Center directly to visit Lori (another tenant in the building), and he would come to get that letter from me. Can you say USER? I know you can ...

Well, I suppose I acted childishly, but I didn't respond to his call, call him back, or give him any damn letter. If he wants his fucking letter, he can work for it. I'm not just going to be this handy little tool he can dig up when he needs it and then immediately throw away again. You know, I could be dead and rotting in here for all he knows or cares - all he wants is his fucking letter. <fumes>

Anyhow, I'm sure I haven't heard the last of this. It just aggravates me. Would it have hurt him any to have at least tried to be a human being and ask how I was or anything? Maybe I expect too much, but a friend wouldn't use you and would be interested in how you're doing, particularly if they haven't seen you for over a year. But I guess my definition of friendship isn't like a lot of other people's idea. It's not just a word to me, it's an obligation.

Posted at 1:17 AM

June 12, 2001

Just slap a big 'L' on my forehead ...

I have felt like such a loser today. Everything either doesn't work or takes a few tries to get it to work, I can't think straight, and I just feel like shit about everything. I spent some time with Christiana, and she just got to the point of driving me insane. She is so motivated the last few days and keeps telling me over and over and over again (and over and over and over and over and over and ... well, you get the picture) about what she is doing and plans to do and how we can help each other make our lives better by supporting each other and keeping us on track. I tried far too many times to explain to her that today (or yesterday, for that matter) was not the time to keep pushing this because I wasn't emotionally up to it. But she just kept going on and on until I got pissed off and finally managed to get the hell away from her.

Mind you, the topic of my depression never came up - not like that could possibly be important - and I was very supportive of Christiana's hopes and plans, but after hearing the same thing for the thirtieth time you just want to stuff a smelly sock in her mouth ...

Anyhow, that frustration and anger didn't help me. Allowing myself to let my anger surface always ends up just getting me more depressed, so I've just had a wonder-fucking-full day (please read the last part of this sentence again, but add 86,000% more sarcasm than you had read it with before).

What a fucking waste of life I feel like. I hate myself sometimes. I hate this world. I hate my life.

That's way too much hate.

Posted at 10:52 PM

June 11, 2001

My three month follow-up to my laser eye surgery was today. My eyesight has actually decreased slightly since my last exam, and this upset me. Although the doctors seem to believe that it is due to inadequate moisture in my eyes (for which I'll now be using eye drops for quite a while more), it still bothers me that after $2000 and three months I may not have 20/20 vision after all. It just figures.

Christiana had an epileptic seizure at work, so I rushed to pick her up and bring her back to her room to rest. It was a mild seizure and she seems fine, but it was just another unnerving aspect of a stressful day.

And to top it all off, McVeigh was executed today, and you could pretty much hear a collective cheer of bloodlust ring across America - it sickens me. I avoided watching any news programs, reading the Internet news, or listening to the radio, hoping to just avoid it all and hope that people would let it drop by tomorrow, but it proved to be unavoidable. I don't know why I thought people would stop talking about it either. Why shouldn't I be more realistic and expect that people will be all excited about who's next, as if this is the newest version of Survivor or whatever other mindless, puerile entertainment is popular for this particular week? I guess I just like to lie to myself about what I should expect from human nature. I should know better ... humanity never fails to disappoint me.

The diet officially ended today as well. I started eating (and way too much eating, to be honest) on Friday night when I had dinner at Joné's, but I avoided caffeine (and specifically Pepsi). The stress was killing me today, though, and I just gave in and sucked up lots of Pepsi and ate and ate.

I am so weak.

Right now, I really don't care (about pretty much anything). Later (maybe not tomorrow, but sometime in the near future), I will really hate myself for giving up on the diet. But it's too late now. All I can do is try and start again.

Posted at 12:15 AM

June 10, 2001

I was involved in a weird combination of activities today, getting a BG newspaper to look for apartments, looking for apartments on foot, grocery shopping, book shopping, attending a Tenants' Meeting at the Arts Center, eating dinner with Joné amidst a few hours of conversation, talking to Christiana for a few hours, and having weird mental images of memories and 'what if' scenarios in my head. I've still been down, and these mental images haven't helped, but my conversations with Joné and Christiana helped me put my mind off of things, so the day has been pretty decent.

The beginning of the day still bothers me a bit. I usually watch the various political analysis shows on tv Sunday mornings to keep up with current events, and all anyone was willing to discuss today was Timothy McVeigh's execution. I am against capital punishment and also think that McVeigh should have had a retrial after all of the "missing" evidence from the FBI was revealed, even though I am sure he is guilty and would be convicted again. The pleasure everyone has - bloodlust, even - is sickening to me, and it really upsets me that human society (or more specifically, American society) is so sadistic an dispassionate. These people don't want justice, they want violence. All I can say is "violence begets violence," so the American people really shouldn't be surprised that this execution just inspires more violence - maybe from a person who has a quiet grudge against the government and is waiting like a timebomb for someone to be killed by the government, maybe from a child who will have the seed of violence planted by watching his parents' glee at seeing McVeigh killed, or maybe from someone who saw all of the media exposure that McVeigh received and wants that sort of fame for themselves. Violence is never right. That holds true even in the case of so-called 'justice' in the form of a public execution.

I could go on for a long time about this. I'm very passionate about it, and it is one of many things that hurts me about the horrible state of our race and our world. Times like this make me hope more and more for people to embrace the values of the Dreamworld, but I know that those hopes are as much in vain as ever. I wish it could be different. I wish we could stop all violence. I know we can't, but it still hurts to see it, nonetheless.

Posted at 11:10 PM

June 9, 2001

I've been down today. Is it because I was lonely after having all of the company and entertainment I had last night? Is it because the return to food has thrown my metabolism out of whack after a nine-day fast? Was it because Christiana was supposed to go to a movie with me today but, even though I talked to her about it this afternoon, she never called me at all this evening? Is it because the book I've been reading, Tex by S.E. Hinton, is really upsetting? Is it because of the upsetting e.mail I got from my friend Shannon about the troubles she and my friend Chip are still having between each other even now, more than a year after their divorce? Is is because I'm still alone and really not seeing any reason to believe that there's any cause to hope that things might ever be different? Does it matter?

Well, it doesn't matter which of those reasons, if any, is the reason. It doesn't matter at all. I'm still depressed. And it doesn't go away. No matter what I do, it doesn't go away.

I hate feeling like this. This is not life - not what I have.

Posted at 11:13 PM

June 8, 2001

Today was nice. I spent a couple of hours chatting with Joné, then drove Christiana around for a few hours running errands. When we got back I went immediately to Joné's house because she had invited me for dinner, the first meal since I started my fast. It was yummy, but I ate way too much. We chatted around eating, then headed back to the Arts Center to watch the play that started this weekend, Everybody Loves Opal.

The plot of the play was cute, but the acting was really bad. Joné, an actor herself, was begging me to leave just after the start of the second act. I always try to see things through, and I was sure that there must be some redeeming end to the play to make up for the plodding, emotionless presentation that filled the rest of it. I was wrong. It was just bad, through and through. The actors had so little emotion that high school kids could have delivered their lines better. Joné's joke was that the cat was the best actor in the play (it was a real cat).

After the play, we joined up with Christiana and Nathan, who we had invited to the play earlier but didn't join us, and hung out at Christiana's for a while. Then we moved to my studios to hang out and check my answering machine for a message from an old friend of Joné's that she had asked to join us for a tour of the building. We managed to get in contact with him and he arrived only a few minutes later. Then we toured just about every part of the building. Once we were done, Brandon (Joné's friend) and his buddy Tomski (that had come with him) left us. We chatted for a while longer, then I drove Joné home. I was pretty beat by the end of things, mostly from having eaten for the first time in quite a while, and the combination of food-coma and other activity got me to sleep rather quickly. I was asleep by about 3 AM.

A good day all around. I wish more of them would be like that.

Posted at 2:35 AM

June 7, 2001

I checked the statistics today for what weight people are supposed to be for their given height and build. I should weigh around 160-175 pounds for my height. Considering I was 228 pounds when I started my diet on the 31st, it looks like I have a long way to go. In fact, the lightest I have ever been at this height was 176 pounds, so the possibility of falling into my ideal range is looking pretty rough. I also checked what is considered average daily caloric intake, and that seems to be between 2600 and 3000 calories. To lose weight, lower the caloric intake (well, duh). Since my diet revolves around reduced caloric intake, I might lose weight. I've been fasting for a while now, just drinking ice water. Tomorrow I'm supposed to have a light salad dinner with Joné, and that will end a 9-day fast. After that, I will eat each day but in small amounts, keeping the calories down and hopefully seeing some weight loss at the same time.

Maintaining a diet is always difficult for me, and this time is no different. I have already almost given in probably a dozen times, wanting to gorge myself on way more than would even be necessary for a normal meal. Hopefully I can keep the diet going for a while, though - at least through this month if not for the whole summer. I really want to lose weight and be thin. I want to look better and feel better. I want to be attractive to guys that I am attracted to. Well, maybe I'm dreaming, but it would be nice to think that somebody would be interested in me.

I want to eat sooo bad, though. Lots and lots. But I have to hold on. I can actually see that my face and neck look thinner, even after only eight days, and that's great, but the long-range hope of catching someone's eye seems very far away when I just want to eat. I keep trying to do things to distract myself, and that usually works. Playing a computer game, reading stories on the net, reading a book, talking to Joné or Christiana (or Nathan), and hopefully soon walking around the MetroParks (if it even stops raining) will keep me from thinking about food for at least a while. But in the evening, when I'm just watching reruns on tv, I'm dying. All I can think about is going somewhere to buy food and eat 'til I bust. Hopefully it won't be this bad after I stop fasting, but I know that the small amounts of food I'll be having to keep the calories down will very quickly seem quite inadequate.

All I can do now is just keep persevering and focus. I have pretty strong willpower (how else do you explain fasting for nine days), and I'll just have to trust to my determination. I hope ...

Posted at 11:25 PM

June 6, 2001

Nathan stopped by this evening. We talked for a while and watched tv, then watched an old favorite movie of mine, Better Off Dead, an early John Cusack comedy. It was nice just having someone to share my evening with, just doing things together and enjoying it without the pretense of having to have some "event" as a reason to get together.

That's the way most people I know seem to see things anymore, where the only time they will get together with me is for an "event" - a movie, dinner, lunch, a play, ... anything but just a simple talk or a game of basketball two-on-two or just watching tv or playing cards or a board game. I think part of it has to do with age - not mine, but theirs. Most people I know are in my age range, but they have this weird idea of how people interact that makes no sense. I know for a fact that a lot of these people, when they were younger, would just go for a walk with me in the MetroParks or just drive around or take a spur-of-the-moment road-trip to some randomly determined destination. Maybe that goes with getting older, but I still don't feel that way. I feel like I'm waiting for them to want to play bridge or try to get a Senior Citizen discount for their meals. And it's impossible to get anyone to get together spontaneously. Visiting where they live without having arranged it a week or more in advance or calling during the day to see if they want to go out are treated like federal crimes. How dare I not schedule things on their social calendar with their secretary?!

Anyhow, I think that's one of the reasons I feel so much more in sync with people younger than me. I don't know if it's age or just the people in my generation, but this insistence upon advance scheduling and "events" is just not something I get much out of. Don't these people remember how much fun it is to have a friend drop by and suggest something fun for the afternoon to break your routine? Don't they remember how much they laughed when you watched tv together and made jokes about things throughout the shows? Don't they remember how good it can be to just let go of yourself and just enjoy doing something silly or pointless or dangerous? I haven't outgrown these things. In fact, I long for these things.

I just want to have simple, carefree fun. What's wrong with that?

Posted at 11:16 PM

June 5, 2001

What was supposed to simply be a half hour procedure today to check a factory recall on my car developed into a five hour wait in the super-boring waiting area and just short of $200 more in debt. A bad start to the day, to be sure, but I moved ahead. I decided to get estimates on repairing the various dents, gouges, and cracked reflectors that have been caused by various idiots at various times in the parking lot here at the Arts Center (all at times that I wasn't with the car - and no, nobody left any info or offers to pay for the damages). The bulk of the repairs would cost about $800, but that would not include the front windshield which has gouges from a brick that had been thrown at it. The parts and labor for that would be another $800. It's likely that I could get a lower price (I got the estimate at my dealership), particularly if I could get a front windshield from a scrap yard, but it will still be expensive.

I have decided, considering just these events of the day, that if I can get an apartment in Bowling Green I will almost certainly repair and then sell my car. The expenses are just too ridiculous over the course of a year, and I really need something to force me to exercise more - walking or biking place to place being a good solution.

Now I just have to find and be approved for an apartment. I think I'll drive down to BG on Sunday for a newspaper to look for listings. I have a tenants meeting here later that afternoon, but I should have plenty of time. Then Monday I can try to take a look at some properties (hopefully). We'll just have to see how it goes.

Hopefully moving will work out, because I am getting more and more anxious to move.

Posted at 10:50 PM

June 4, 2001

I had planned to spend a few hours walking through Wildwood MetroPark today since it was not supposed to rain for the first day in a few weeks. Although it didn't rain, it was completely overcast and gloomy, and the chilly temperatures that have been dragging on through most of Spring were still around. This cold, gloomy weather, even more cold and gloomy than late Fall, just didn't provide any inspiration to make the drive to Wildwood for my walk. Unfortunately, it is supposed to rain for the next two or three days, and who knows when the temperature will get pleasant again?!

Even though I was disappointed by the weather, I spent a few hours talking to Joné and then a few more playing StarCraft for the first time in ... well, probably in a year or so. It ended up being a fairly relaxing day, but I am allowing myself to be distracted from writing my story. I spent some time on it this weekend, but I just couldn't get into things. I know what I want to write and what the characters and plot are like, but it just seems so fake somehow when I try to write it. As much as I've tried to develop the idea of the story to break free from a lot of the repetitive character types and plots I find in so many gay romances on the web, I still feel like I'm not really moving that far away from those trite and hackneyed themes. In some ways I am, but in other ways it seems too much like the same old stuff that everybody else throws out. Contributing to this is my cynicism about the fact that I am essentially writing a fantasy that has only a very remote chance of happening in real life. I suppose it could happen, but it doesn't seem realistic to believe it would happen to me - me, who never has anything good happen without a long uphill struggle. I don't know. Maybe my pessimism is just souring what could be a good story. I'm sure my remaining depression is a big part of this, too.

Fortunately, my depression has diminished to some extent. Actually, this usually goes along with dieting and refraining from Pepsi because the caffeine, sugar, and fats play havoc with my metabolism, slowing it down and making me more sluggish and thickheaded. It's funny that, even knowing that these things enhance my depression, I still go back to overeating and drinking too much Pepsi. That's why I look at both things as addictions similar to alcoholism. It's just not as simple as it seems. Wanting to eat better, eat less, and drink no soft drinks seems to be easy to do, but it is really quite a struggle - for me, at least. But I'm going on a week of fasting and drinking only water, and I feel good. There have been some rough moments where I really had to struggle with myself not to give up and get all sorts of food to eat, but this first week is always the hardest when I diet. Next week, starting to eat again but only very small amounts, will be difficult in its own way because I have to break the routine of how much, how often, and what things I eat. But getting my stomach top shrink is part of the key, and this first week is the biggest step. At least I'm making that much work.

Posted at 11:52 PM

June 3, 2001

Today, Christiana and George and I went through the Old West End Festival and briefly through the Toledo Museum of Art. The Old West End Festival (held in the historic Old West End of Toledo, the same area I live in), has been held for 30 years and includes exhibits and sales of various arts, crafts, foods, antiques and other items for sale. A number of the historic mansions are opened to the public for tours, and various parties are held throughout the weekend along with the official events. The Art Museum always adds something to the Festival. This year the Art Museum's 100th Anniversary celebration was launched at the same time as the festival, including newly placed and unveiled outdoor sculptures, the addition of new pieces of Art (and the return of some great pieces that have been on loan for a while), and various events (including music, performance, and food). Missing this year were a variety of outdoor music platforms, but it didn't really detract too much from everything.

On the walk back, we ran into Joné and her roommate Brian, whose party I went to the Saturday before Memorial Day. They were both very talkative and gave me big hugs when we came upon them. Hugging Brian felt good, but I really have no idea at this point if he is even remotely interested in me. <sigh> Oh well, I guess it's the story of my life.

Posted at 10:25 PM

June 2, 2001

Financial Aid news came in the mail today. While things can still change before the money is actually set up with the Bursar for Fall semester (and it has changed at the last minute in the past), it looks good overall. I actually look to make a couple hundred dollars more than last year, but I also expect tuition to rise, so it will probably be a draw. After the fiasco of Summer Aid, however, I am comforted to see things look like I can continue with some level of financial stability through another year of college.

I still have no leads on an apartment in Bowling Green, but I very much want to make the move. The costs of moving and paying more for an apartment in BG are a bit scary, but I know that the rising costs of gasoline are just going to make my costs here be about the same. If I move, at least I save myself the drive-time, wear-and-tear on the car, and my nerves when driving during ugly winter days. Moving also would have side benefits in that I would walk or bike to school, thus getting some exercise, and I might even use the Rec Center (I did when I lived in BG years ago, anyhow). I also would be in BG in the evenings and would be able to attend free movies, parties, events, and organizational meetings on campus. This would help me socialize a bit and maybe make some friends - or at least get me out of the apartment. I have thought about driving down tomorrow to check out the Sunday apartment listings in the BG newspaper, but I was just down there two weeks ago, so I guess I should wait another week for new things to open up.

I do want out of here, though. The whole Collingwood Arts Center is depressing me now in a variety of ways. Nothing short of a miracle is going to change the things that are bothering me about this place, and I need to take advantage of anything that will lessen my depression. A new apartment (or, for that matter, anyplace that isn't the Collingwood Arts Center) will almost surely cheer me up a bit and give me a new perspective on things. At this point I've lived in the Arts Center just about as long as I've lived anywhere since I was in high school - and the studios here are definitely at the bottom of the list of all of the places I have lived, including when I lived in the dorms at the University of Toledo. Hopefully I'll find something nice soon.

In the meantime, I will continue to tough it out here. I just wish I had company. Visitors, callers, people in the building stopping by - anyone. I'm trying very hard to diet and keep from being depressed, but it's proving incredibly difficult. I have moody moments that I just want so badly to give in, buy all sorts of food and Pepsi, gorge myself, and lose myself in numbness to block out the waves of depression that course through me. So far I've been able to ride it out, but I don't know if I can keep this up all alone. I almost gave in today, and I've really only just gotten started with this new try.

Posted at 11:50 PM

June 1, 2001

I found myself attracted to the guy that changed my oil today. He had beautiful baby blue eyes, very short blond hair, and a tight little body that was a couple inches shorter than mine. He actually talked to me a bit about the car, and he was very soft-spoken. He was probably straight (or not interested in me as more than a customer), but I found myself attracted to him anyhow.

I've found myself increasingly captivated by attractive guys in the last couple of years. I don't know if it's that I'm so lonely or that I've had so little sex with anybody in the past couple of years, but I'm staring at guys a lot more than I ever used to. Not sexually really - no fantasies or undressing them with my eyes - just appreciating their good looks and thinking about having them around and being able to watch and talk to them for long periods of time ... maybe a warm embrace or a kiss, but no more. That's not to say that I wouldn't go further if the situation arose, but that's never what motivates me to stare or want someone. Lust is rarely a motivator for me, and staring is more a way to fantasize about a person as a loving companion.

It's always been this way, and I know that's why it was so difficult for me to accept that I was gay since staring at guys was rarely a sexual thing. I think that's why I've never done much fantasizing about celebrities. I wasn't fantasizing about sex (... not much, anyhow ...) but about a constant companionship, and I know in my mind that a lasting relationship with a celebrity is even less likely to happen than sex with that same person, so it never seemed remotely realistic. And on top of that, celebrities rarely seemed like the kind of person I wanted as a companion anyhow - they never seem down to earth enough or humble enough and I could never picture them having much appreciation for what I might be able to offer them.

I guess I'm just weird because everybody else seems completely motivated by sex (both guys and girls), and this just isn't my motivation. Don't get me wrong - sex is great, and I can go at it for hours at a time with great pleasure. But sex without a connection to the other person is really hollow for me, and I just feel like I've been used and unappreciated. I need more from someone than sex. I need love on at least some level.

Maybe this is another reason that I am alone - I'm not willing to just fuck around with someone and hope that "something magical" will happen. What a crock ...

As far as I'm concerned, love rarely comes from sex, but sex can certainly come from love. And I think that's the way it should be.

Posted at 10:48 PM