Journal Archives from theDreamworld ... October 2001

All Hallow's Eve and hardly a coven to shake a stick at! What is the world coming to?

Okay, so this will likely sound particularly twisted and evil of me, but I have missed my favorite aspect of Halloween in Toledo this year - Detroit didn't burn. You see, every October 30-31 (Devil's Night and Halloween), huge fires crop up all over Detroit as people unleash their pyromania on the city they dislike. From my safe distance here in Toledo I watch the fires on tv and find small amusement in the inability of the authorities in Detroit to retain control. Nobody ever really gets hurt and the fires usually just burn derelict buildings in downtown, so the damage is more to the authority of the city administration than anything else. And heck, it's just a weird little annual event that you can always count on seeing here and probably nowhere else in the country.

But alas, no fires burned bright tonight or last night. Maybe the police and fire departments were in tremendously better control this year, but I suggest that the reality is that the pyromaniacs in Detroit just didn't feel like it this year after all of the terrorism issues of the last couple of months. In a way, you have to give those people a little credit for giving up their arsonist pleasures, but I still feel a bit disappointed.

Am I twisted and weird? Well, probably. But while other people like to watch "the World's Worst Car Wrecks" or "COPS" or whatever, I just want my vision of brief anarchy. I mean heck, it's just one time a year.

Now I'll have to figure a way to entertain myself for the rest of the evening. Arg.

I realized why I've been attracted to Heather, one of the girls in my Contemporary American Lit class. We have been in class together in past semesters, and I had a strange attraction to her then as well but just passed it off. It's not a sexual attraction by any means. There is something of a physical attraction, but it wasn't for her body ... I could never quite put my finger on what the attraction was until now. What has always interested me is her dry humor, her incredible intelligence, her energy, and her nonconformist mindset (not like a Goth or punk, but a vegetarian who won't wear anything with a name brand and who has vocal political ideas). Add to this the fact that she has always been nice to me and has complimented me in a number of ways. Don't get me wrong - she's not interested in me either - but she just seems to like me as a friend, just like I like her.

But there's always been this attraction that I couldn't figure out, and yesterday it hit me. We were hanging around outside of the English building (East Hall) after our class and talking with Phil (our professor) and Beth (Heather's best friend). We talk like this after every class. They all smoke and chat and I chat (no smokes), and we discuss a variety of things for a half hour or more before we go our separate ways. At one point Heather was sitting on a bench talking with a lot of energy and even a bit of speed to what she said, and I noticed her pale skin and slightly rosy cheeks, her thin, red lips moving in a certain way, and her eyes glinting and darting about while she talked ... and I saw Simon. The same skin, the same cheeks, the same mouth, the same eyes, the same movement of the mouth when she talked, the same head movements and sense of contained energy, and the same intelligence and passion. She even dressed similarly with Converse hightops and simple jeans and t-shirts. I don't know why it never occurred to me before, but Heather reminds me completely of Simon. And now I miss Simon even more.

I haven't heard from Simon in over two years now, and I haven't been able to find him. He moved sometime after I last visited him in Chicago. He also changed jobs. And since his e.mail was through the place he worked, I haven't been able to find him. It has bothered me a lot because Simon always meant so much to me, even if he never could return my love and affection (Simon is decidedly straight and is probably married by now to the girl he was dating when I last saw him). Now I not only have no contact with him but I have someone who reminds me incredibly of him. And she's a she! I mean, if she were a boy then maybe there'd be something more possible, but ... heck, I'm just a weirdo. Why can't I just enjoy her friendship?

I just need to find a way to deal with the Simon issue. It's really not Heather. It's missing Simon and feeling like I lost a part of me without ever even being able to say goodbye. And there's been too much of that loss without a goodbye in the last few years of my life.

Well ... I'll get over it. It's just a weird sort of revelation. I really do miss Simon, though.

I bought a table when I was eleven - a little 70's contemporary piece with a round piece of glass for the top and three clear Lucite legs that made a sort of bowed tripod. $7.50 at the sale for our next-door neighbors before they moved to California. My parents disliked the table greatly, not for its looks but for its seeming frivolity. I knew how they would feel; that was an added bonus. But really I wanted it as a way to begin my independence, a way to begin preparing myself to live on my own and have no reliance upon my parents. I knew I had little choice but to remain trapped with them until I was eighteen, but they would have no say in my life after that point. That's what I thought, anyway.

Here I am, sixteen years past being eighteen, completely independent (as I've pretty much been since I was eighteen), yet continually affected and annoyed by contact with my parents to this day. Really, it's ridiculous that I haven't simply cut them out of my life, but I just feel some reason to keep in contact. That crap about blood being thicker than water surely isn't it - my family (pretty much every member) has done enough harm to break down any blood ties that ever existed, and I have no trust or love for any of them (except my grandmother). Still, I feel compelled to stay in touch for some reason. I won't talk to or be around my father, of course, but I'm just waiting for him to die a painful death and rot - then I'll be a little more in contact with my mother.

And the table? Well, I kept the table for years, using it for a wide variety of things (end table, Christmas tree stand, computer table, night stand, plant stand, telephone table, etc.). Whenever and wherever I moved the table went with me. In fact, I always tried to find a place for it since it was the first piece of my own furniture. But times change, and the table was one of the things I sold in the last two years as I sold off everything I didn't absolutely need to minimize space and gather a little money.

In some ways I miss the table. I have no room for it, and I don't have a good use for it, but it still represents a sentimental spot in my memories, a moment when I actively worked to get out from under my parents. It's a good memory, and whether I have the table or not, I'll always have that thought.

Good news! The hit counter for my site just passed 250! Pretty amazing as I see it, and I must tell you that it pleases me to no end. I have also been accepted into another webring (with praise from the ringleader), and that is likely to bring even more traffic to the site. I am so pleased to see that people are visiting this site. I simply wish that I had a little more interaction (like e.mail, guestbook entries, etc.). But for now the hits are indeed pleasing enough.

Also, tomorrow will be the 12th day since I ordered my Powerbook, and the original order stated that shipping time was 12 days from purchase at the time that I bought it. Granted, I'm being far too optimistic to think that it will arrive tomorrow, but I can still hope that it will ship tomorrow and maybe arrive before the end of the week. I'm just getting more and more anxious for it!

I'm achy. And I've had this headache for the past couple of days that feels like it's going to shove my eyes straight out of my head. My eyes are too dry. I have a slightly runny nose. And I'm tired. Do you think I'm getting sick? Well, yeehhh, maybe. Right now I'm not sure. A lot of times, this sort of thing hits me when the seasons change and then just passes when the temperatures and stuff of the new season stabilize. I actually get sick very rarely, and when I do get sick it only lasts briefly.

And, oh yes ... I did NOT watch the World Series today. Maybe (even probably) if the Indians made it, but no ... I have no interest. It's funny, but the World Series and Superbowl actually hold less interest to me than an everyday game. I guess it's just that the World Series and Superbowl always seem to end up so one-sided and boring that I would rather watch grass grow than zone out watching the sports boredom on tv. I guess that makes me less macho and manly or something, and I really don't give a damn. I'm comfortable with who I am, and even if I wasn't gay I wouldn't claim to care about stupid televised sports. Take me to a live game in most any sport, and I can enjoy it (well, ... if I'm with friends at least), but put the same thing on tv and it completely loses all of the magic.

And besides, my head throbs if I watch tv too long. I hope this headache and stuff goes away soon.

This has been a satisfying day of good things. I won't bore you with a lot of them, but let me share my two favorites.

After Poetry class today, as I was about to leave, one of the girls in the class approached me and said, "This isn't a come-on or anything, but I just wanted to tell you you have the most beautiful smile. I sit across the room from you every day (we sit in a circle), and I see you smile and it just makes me warm inside when I see it. I just wanted to tell you." Well, I thanked her over and over, and I was just as happy as could be. As I walked to my next class I wondered if, since I'm showing the same smile during the same class, - I wonder if Dustin sees my smile the same way.

And that brings us to my second favorite good thing of the day. Dustin. Honestly, he doesn't need to do anything except show up to class and I'm fairly happy since I can just watch him and breathe him in. But today was even better because we had a little amusing conversation, joking about things in the two classes we share. I'm sure he has no idea, but I could live solely on that few minutes of interaction with him. He's just so wonderful.

Okay, okay, I'm sure you're sick of hearing me go on and on about Dustin. But trust me, you'd be the same way if you could only spend some time with him.

Okay, so this sucks. I have worked all day (and large parts of yesterday) writing a critical paper comparing two short stories in regards to their rhetoric. Ugh. Who comes up with this crap, anyhow? Well, let me tell you; I have a completed product and I will spend another hour tomorrow morning (in the ugly hours before the sun wakes up) trying to revise it so that it flows a bit better; but I don't really like what I've got so far. I have some great ideas, but it just doesn't sound right somehow ...

That's actually the good news. The bad news is that I have a poem due for a workshop tomorrow, and I don't really have anything. I sortof do, but it's old and doesn't really fit the topic the teacher wants (she wants a political poem - not exactly my style). I also should have read a textbook chapter for discussion in a class tomorrow, and I read through it quickly a week ago with the intention of reading it again today. Oh, and I was supposed to have critiqued three poems for different people today. That didn't get done either.

I also had a conference with my least favorite teacher for this semester, and I left fairly miffed at her opinions of some of my poetry. Poems aren't good, in her mind, unless they are written in her style about her subjects with her descriptions. Kinda takes the whole originality thing out of poetry, don't ya think? Well heck, who wants original poetry anyhow ...

Dustin became a little more human and a lot more perfect in my eyes today. I wouldn't have expected that I could find him any more perfect, but I do, and the reason I find him more perfect will seem to some people like a failing.

We've been doing individual dramatic readings of poems we have selected (poems written by someone other than ourselves) for a grade in our Craft of Poetry class. I did my dramatic reading on Monday (an Edna St. Vincent Millay love poem) and muddled through it - I always feel uncomfortable when I'm put on the spot anymore (I'm okay when I am inspired to talk, but when I'm forced to talk I get uncomfortable (and it used to be that I was fine in front of groups, but that has changed)). Anyhow, Dustin was one of the people who had to perform their recitation today. We (me, Dustin, Sally, and Brian (classmates)) were talking about the readings. Dustin, Brian, and Sally were all nervous (they had to present today), and I told them they couldn't do any worse than I had done. Dustin the told us that he had taken a Dramatic Reading class (in the Theatre department) and had gotten a C or a D (he wasn't sure which). He said that the grade was pretty much due to his having only attended about half of the classes. Brian commented that getting a C or D was pretty good under those circumstances.

Now for most people, this would bring Dustin down in their estimation, I am sure. Getting C's and D's isn't exactly great. For me, it just made Dustin seem more human. But what really got me was how honest and straightforward about it that he was. He volunteered the information unbidden, and he spoke of it with amusement. He seemed so strong and centered to be so comfortable with talking about this. It just made him seem that much more incredible to me.

Not only did Dustin amaze me with his comments, but he surprised me with a marvelous choice of a cool e.e.cummings poem that I had never heard before. As always, I was simply thrilled to listen to the beauty of his voice. He is just so wonderful. I wish I had the courage to really talk to him. But even if I overcame that hurdle, would he even be remotely interested in talking back? I wish I was a stronger person.

Tonight I found out where the new FedEx center is at. Mind you, it has been there for two years, but this is the first time I've had to go there. They attempted delivery three times of one of the peripherals I ordered along with my Powerbook (the Powerbook is still on order with probably another week to wait). As luck would have it, they attempted delivery on each of those three days between Noon and 1 PM when the office staff takes lunch. But I got it after all. The new FedEx facility is pretty huge and took me a while to find - the industrial park where it sits used to be corn fields for as long as I can remember.

I didn't end up heading out there until after 7 PM, so I was driving around in the dark. But it was cool. It was like a little adventure, and for a little while I was able to forget about what had to be completed next for classes. I'm missing that chance to get away, and the press of one project after another for classes is giving me a lot of anxiety. We just passed the halfway point for the semester, and that means there's still a lot of work to go without any real break until it's all over. Ugh. What I wouldn't give for just three days where I didn't have to feel that I had to work on some reading or writing project.

So that was my big adventure. Exciting stuff, huh? Well, it's all a matter of perspective, I guess.

You know? I'm an idiot. Why do I think that Dustin would ever be interested in me? With his good looks and shy charm, he could have anybody he wants (at least in my eyes he could). It's starting to hurt to see him now. He's just so perfect, and I really want to spend time with him and get to know him. I don't know what to do anymore.

Why does it have to be so hard to get close to anybody? Can't I even develop simple friendships? Am I this dysfunctional? <sigh> I wish I could just start life over. Anymore it just seems like it's too late to ever make things any better. And having things the way that they are just isn't enough ... at least not for me.

On an up note, I had noted just two days ago in the Journal that my hit counter for the site had passed 100. Well, guess what? Now I'm past 150. Pretty amazing, huh? Well, I think so.

Hey, what's black and white and read all over? Not my website. Ha! (well, I wish it was read all over, but that ain't happenin' yet).

Okay, so it's a lame joke. What the hell do you want? My joke writer used to work for Gilbert Godfrey...

Anyhow, I'm feeling better this evening. My 'feeling a bit down' from yesterday got deeper last night and this morning. In fact, I didn't get out of bed 'til almost 11:30 AM. I was sort of mopey all morning, but I got a little bit more chipper as the day progressed. This chemical imbalance shit that creates my depression is aggravating. Even so, I won't go on Prozac.

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it in past Journal entries, but I'm very anti-drugs - even simple stuff. I don't think people should be dosed on Prozac or Rogaine or Viagra or whatever, even including aspirin and vitamins. I'm not crazy; I just think that most drugs do more harm than good. A lot have side-effects, some don't really do what they're supposed to, lots of them screw people up even more (like heart medications or Ritalin), some drugs get people addicted, and some drugs make people's bodies dependent on them being used constantly (vitamins). So when it comes to antidepressants, I just can't do it. It's a big issue for me.

The antidepressants thing is a bigger issue, however, because I really don't think it will help as much as I need it to. Yes, it might smooth out my emotional roller-coaster a bit, but a lot of my problems are based in my logical perceptions of the world and my disappointment in what I see. Nothing but some powerful hallucinogens is really going to change that, and sadly that means I'll still get depressed at times when I see something that triggers a mental (as opposed to simply emotional) response.

So where does that leave me? Well, it leaves me with having some good days and some bad days. I wish there were more good than bad, and there are certainly things that can push toward more good than bad, but it's just something that I have to live with like good weather or bad weather. Let's just hope for sunshine in the forecast.

The big news is that I was accepted into two more web rings, and the counter for the site has passed 100 (that's just since the beginning of this month when I finally got a working counter). I'm pleased to see that I'm getting some visitors, but I would be really thrilled if someone would let me know who they were on the Guestbook or through an e.mail. Also, I was able to fix the problem with the punctuation in some poems turning into wingdings on the web, but I'm still working on the stories - it's not working as easily there. I'll figure out how to fix it, but obviously not today.

I would have to say that this has been quite a good week. Not perfect - there have been moments of depression and anger and confusion and anxiety, but those have been very few - possibly the fewest in a week for a long, long time. Having the Powerbook upgrade get announced and being able to set my purchase in motion has been nice. Getting caught up again with schoolwork helped lower my stress. Doing laundry before I had to start wearing underwear for a second time has made me comfortable. : ) Add to that some strange, uplifting personal interactions as well.

Christiana spend a great amount of time on Sunday expounding on how much she missed seeing me all the time and how important I am to her. Joné has been very cheery and chatty and has tried to make arrangements to get together with me soon. Nathan called to say he missed me and wanted to see me, also blaming himself (not me, which is what Christiana feels is the case) for not being around. Tijuan called me from Chicago on Sunday and talked to me for an hour and a half. Brendan called me from Germany and we talked for about an hour today.

And before I left campus today I ran into Heather, a girl from my Contemporary American Lit class. She and I have been in another class and have gotten along well, and I am amazed by her (not exactly attracted, even though I think she's very good looking in a certain way, but just intrigued by her vast intellect and unassuming manner). Anyhow, we chatted as I walked with her to her class, and she asked when we (she, I, Beth (another classmate), and Phil (our Prof)) were going for coffee. The four of us (plus Stacey, another classmate) chat everyday after our class for a half hour or so, and are all interested in some stimulating conversation. Recently Heather has suggested we should get together for coffee. It's a cool feeling to be part of this. In fact, another one of my little ego boosts this week was Heather, Beth, and Sarah (another classmate) telling me that I'm "the coolest." Mind you, I know they were just playing around a bit, and I replied "You don't get out much, do you?" but we do all get along well, and even if I'm not exactly what really qualifies as cool, at least I'm accepted by these folks for who and what I am.

Add to all of the rest of this the workshops I had for different classes where a number of my poems were critiqued (Something Wicked This Way Comes, (A)lone, Ken, Sanctuary and Floating). In all of these critiques, everyone had nothing but positive things to say. That doesn't help me much when it comes time to make revisions for my final submissions, but it's a great feeling. I also had my critical essay for Craft of Fiction passed out to the entire class as an example of "what to do" when writing a critical paper. In fact, I got a critical essay back for Contemporary American Lit with a 92, one of the highest grades in the class. Oh, and even though I haven't gotten the scores yet, I know that I aced my tests on Jane Eyre in my one class. So what can I say? I rock!

How could I not feel great after all of those good things? Let me tell you, I need more weeks like this!

What the hell is wrong with people? How desperate for attention must you be to make phony terrorism calls or panics? Do the people of America just not have enough things to keep them busy or what?

I am no fan of the way the government is handling the terrorist actions or the Anthrax problem, but I am intelligent (and mature) enough to simply make my intellectual arguments against them, not fuck around with the public conscience. Some people are just way too big of losers to think they're cool or powerful to try to scare people.

Which brings us to the second point of my little rant. What the hell is wrong with people being so panicky? Yes, terrorism is a threat. But it's always been a threat. And it's not a threat that's likely to ever touch the average person in America. But the media knows that panic makes people watch the news. And the government knows that a panicked public turns to the government for leadership (conveniently forgetting about other problems the government might be failing at, like the economy or the environment or ...). And of course many people just easily fall into being victims - they find some comfort in being victims because then others will possibly show them compassion. It's all ridiculous. Kids at BGSU, where I go to college, are afraid to get mail in the dorms - in hickville Bowling Green, Ohio, students believe that terrorists are out to kill them! Where the fuck is the logic is that? What could possibly be gained by killing off a college student or two? And wouldn't it be more effective to attack a high-profile school like Harvard? Or if not Harvard at least a big school like OSU? BGSU isn't big, isn't well-known, and is not part of a large city - nobody would ever target anyone there. Yet the students panic because they easily fall into the victim role and the media and the government tell them to panic. It's just pathetic.

Grrr! I understand that people need to adjust to the fact that the United States isn't as invulnerable as they misguidedly thought. I understand that people are concerned about what terrorist attacks will mean to life in America. But the whole damn country is just behaving stupidly. Get a grip, people. The world hasn't changed any. It's just your perception that has changed. Get over it. Then move ahead.

If it's such a scary world to so many people, then they should make a difference. Spread the love. Make the world a better place. But fear and panic are useless. Just move on.

Apple announced the upgrade to the Powerbook yesterday, and I now have one on order, hopefully soon speeding it's way to me. After all of my wait, I am so excited I could burst. In fact, it was all I could do to get to sleep last night. It's like Christmas for a little kid!

For those of you who don't know, I got insurance reimbursement for my previous laptop, an Apple Powerbook G3 (Wallstreet), after the campus police and library staff failed to capture the person who stole it from the BGSU library in late June. The insurance settlement took a long time and a lot of argument, but I got a decent amount, and after that I kept waiting for the anticipated upgrade to the Powerbook G4. It took longer than expected, but the wait was worth it (even though being without a computer for any amount of time at all sucks, particularly when you surf the web alot and maintain a website (by the way, the ~~Posted~~ Written at thing at the end of these blogs stands for the time I wrote the entry. Typing it in and uploading it only generally happens a couple times a week)).

So what's so special about this Powerbook G4 upgrade (codenamed Onyx)? Well, the processor is now 667 MHz with a 133 MHz bus (up from 500 MHz and a 100 MHz bus in the original G4 chipset, and up from 300 MHz and a 100 MHz bus on my old Powerbook G3), the Level 2 cache is only 512 KB, but it's on-chip rather than onboard, meaning it's way fast. There's also a much-improved graphics card, the ATI Mobility Rage with 16MB SDRAM. This pumps up the 15.2" widescreen and works with Apple's new software for incredible graphics power. The standard memory is 512 MB. The new top-end hard drive is a 48 GB ATA drive at the fastest drive speeds yet seen. Ports include USB, Firewire, S-Video, and Gigabit Ethernet. The new Powerbook G4 also comes with the Airport wireless networking system installed standard. Add on the pure titanium enclosure and the 1" thin dimension, and this baby rocks! Am I a spokesman for Apple? Well, no, but there's just no way not to be completely excited about this system. Oh, and did I mention that the price is nearly $1000 less than what I would have paid if I had bought the replacement Powerbook as soon as I got my settlement check from the insurance company (not even considering all of the improvements and additions that come with this upgrade)? Or did I mention that I saved about another $500 because I could buy through the Apple Education Plan that discounts purchases fro students? Not too shabby. Mind you, I have already spent that $1000 on a few external peripherals and some software upgrades (to fully utilize the new OS X super-fast Mac operating system), but it's still $1000 better off than I would have been had I not waited.

So I'm just really happy! I can't wait to get the new toys, even if I won't have much time to set things up until the semester is over. I'll just be really happy to know I have it and am able get basic things up and running so that I won't be dependent on the campus computer labs. Things will be much, much more convenient.

More news on the new computer will be announced as things come in. The expected delivery for the new Powerbook is 12 days, but I'm not sure how accurate that will be. We'll see.

Follow the Links Index to the Webrings page and see all of the cool webrings I have joined. I hope this will increase traffic to the site, and hopefully I can network with some more people. I'm looking forward to some new online friends. Also, a number of little bugs that I'd missed during the big update were fixed. Unfortunately, that doesn't include fixing the text bugs in the stories (converting Word left some punctuation as weird symbols, but only when viewed on the web), but I'll fix those soon so that the stories are an easy read. Other than that, I'm really pleased with things on the site.

Things at school are looking to be crazy for the next couple of weeks, but I would like to work on the next chapter of Hope, Need & Fear. I already have a very clear idea of exactly how the chapter will flow, it's just a matter of putting it all down. U unfortunately, that takes some uninterrupted time and that will be a couple weeks at least before I have that sort of time. But soon, I promise.

By the way, check out some of the Links if you haven't surfed though them in a while. Some sites have additions or updates after going a long time without any change, and a couple sites have been completely redeveloped, notably the Queen homepage. It's sweet.

Today has been a good day for schoolwork. I made my presentation today in my Contemporary American Literature class (I led the class as the teacher, explained the two texts and commented on them using outside materials, and drew everyone into discussion on the works). I had been dreading this, but it actually went over pretty well. They were pretty hard texts to understand, and most of the class had a good grip on the material by the time we were done. I also have gotten back both of my first two critical papers. One was a 100%, the other was a 92% (and it seems that there were only a couple people in each of those classes with grades as high as mine). I also did well on the next test on the supplementary texts for my Creative Writing Workshop. All things put together, I am getting A's in all five classes, even though there are still a lot of other projects to be graded yet. But getting the few projects done today that were sue and getting some grades helped boost my spirits a bit.

Seeing Dustin helped, too. I find myself thinking about him all of the time now. In fact, whenever I see any guy that I might find attractive, I quickly find myself comparing him to Dustin - and Dustin always wins out. I'm just really taken by him, and he really fascinates me. I just wish I knew how to approach him so that I could get to know him. Every time I try the straightforward approach I end up scaring the person I approach as if I'm a stalker or something. It's just really awkward for me, and I don't want to screw up what might be my only chance. The interesting thing is that I'm actually willing to make the first step. That's very unlike me, but I don't want Dustin to disappear from my life once this semester is over. I really want to know more about him.

Hopefully whoever is reading this has looked around the site and noticed the overhaul for the relaunch. I think things look much cleaner, I know they look much better on Internet Explorer than they used to, and the Netscape looks aren't bad either. Things have been tweaked, expanded, and a whole bunch of new poems and stories have been added. The one flaw has been some export bugs from Microsoft Word which seem to have converted some punctuation marks into wingdings in a few of the stories (although they don't appear when I'm working in Dreamweaver, only when things display on a browser) - those wingdings will be fixed soon, but it may take another week to get back to it. The only other thing that I didn't get done that I had hoped for was getting the Webrings set up. I joined a few but haven't heard back from any yet, and the few more that I wanted to join through Yahoo Webrings won't work. It seems that Yahoo recently separated its webrings off from its main site, and now the who series of Yahoo webrings is in chaos and doesn't allow for new members (at least until they smooth things out) - this apparently took place on the 10th of this month, so it's almost like somebody planned it just to screw me over. Coincidence? Hmmm ...

But those couple of small issues aside, I'm very happy with the way the website is at this point. This is actually almost what I had originally wanted when I first started designing the site back in January. And now that the site is almost up to my hopes, I can soon redirect my time from tinkering with the way the site looks and works to writing more stories, particularly Hope, Need & Fear.

I am interested in what other people think. If you're reading this, drop me an e.mail or at least sign my Guestbook - I want to get an idea of what people think. I still need to work on generating some traffic for this site, and that is the next big effort, but that will be pretty easy once I get to it.

So I hope that anyone who is reading through this is enjoying what the site has to offer. I have some personal satisfaction in the creation process in itself, but my real satisfaction will come from seeing that other people get some pleasure from visiting this site. And heck, I'm always looking for satisfaction. : )

"Somebody you find very attractive feels the same way about you. You each provide something the other lacks. Rely on this person's advice when you make a big household purchase."

This is my horoscope for today. Do I really believe in that stuff? Well, not really, but I read every day anyhow. Most days I would just think how completely inappropriate or stupid my horoscope is, but then every once in a while something poignant comes up. Sometimes it even comes true. Of course, I suppose the odds are that the horoscope has to be right sometime.

The thing about this horoscope is that it's almost tailor-made. I would give anything for Dustin to be attracted to me even a tenth as much as I am to him. And the idea that I could provide something for him that he lacks and he could do the same for me - it's just everything I want. Of course, I have no idea what he might have to say about my 'big household purchase,' but I at least do have a big purchase coming up (my new computer). Who cares about that anyhow? I just want the mutual attraction thing to be true.

And this, of course, is wherein my whole problem resides. I must be completely wacky to think there's even a remote possibility that Dustin could even give a damn about me, let alone be attracted. It's really depressing. I can't even dream that it's true because my brain just keeps telling me it will never happen. I can't even daydream about it; how wacked is that?

He's so perfect. I think of him all of the time. I even have a clearer picture of him in my head than I even do of people I've known all of my life. I can just sit back and revel forever with the visage of him in my mind. It's so wonderful, but it hurts so much to know it'll never happen. Damnit, why can't I just have a simple happy daydream without it being spoiled?

Okay, so today George Bush asked all of the kids in America to send a dollar each to the White House. This will pay for his drug habit ... I mean for his remedial reading classes ... I mean for his reelection fund ... I mean for the children of Afghanistan (you believe that, don't you?). This man's sliminess has put his father's deceits to shame, and he hasn't even been president for a year. Here's George Bush, in the middle of a recession, determined to give a tax return based on a budget surplus that he's already spent, and with no way to believably manage money without wasting it in needless administration fees - yet he wants the kids of America to send him money. Why does this seem like stealing candy from a baby? And who really believes that Bush has any way to (or intention to) get money to Afghani children? Come on, people, get real. This man doesn't care about anybody but himself, and he's just trying to fuck over little kids by manipulating their sympathies. He's just a sick man.

Speaking of heartless assholes, the Reverend Lou Shelton, who led the fight against a variety of gay equal rights amendments in various states and who led anti-gay protests at Matthew Shephard's funeral (yes, that scumbag), is calling for withholding aid and pension payments to the families of anyone that died in the terrorist attacks of September 11th who was gay. The heartlessness and wickedness of this man is beyond my comprehension. I thought protesting at a funeral was bad enough, but now he wants to hurt hundreds of people who suffered because (if for any reason) they were American, not for any other reason. This unbelievable demand, added to the ugly comments of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson a couple weeks ago (claiming that the terrorist attacks on September 11th were due to gays, women's rights, and the ACLU), make the entire Religious Right appear quite clearly as the bigoted sadists that they are. Unfortunately, that's just my view. My fear is that the millions of so-called 'good Christians' who thing these men represent the 'word of God' will blindly believe what they say without questioning it. Sadly, I've seen people completely abandon logic and compassion in order to follow what they see as the dictates of their faith, and devoted Christians (particularly the born-again type) tend to blindly follow and believe whatever they are told by their leaders. It's funny that when cults brainwash their members with fucked up ideas like this that the government goes and blows their asses up, but a 'good Christian' can pretty much be a fucking serial killer and almost be praised as a holy warrior. This is the same sort of behavior that so-called 'patriotic American's' see as driving the Islamic-faith-based terrorists that they now hate and consider abominable. To me, there's not much of a difference. Hate is hate. No form of hate is more righteous than any other. It's just all bad.

So George Bush, Lou Shelton, and all the rest of you self-serving, lying, bigoted assholes - a hearty fuck you to each and every one of you. You are the people who continue to make theDreamworld an impossibility. Regardless of how good-intentioned you might consider yourselves, you are all just evil. Truly, terribly evil.

Today is a weird date. It is National Coming Out Day. It is the one-month anniversary of the terrorist attacks in New York, Washington, D.C., and Pennsylvania. It is the day of the first casualty in this 'war on terrorism.' It was the first prime-time Presidential Press Conference in the Bush administration. And it is the first day of Fall Break, a long weekend set up by BGSU as a rest for students so they don't burn out (which might work if the professors didn't assign three times the normal weekend workload).

So here I am, feeling adventurous, sad, concerned, disinterested, and lazy. I don't know what to do with myself! For the most part, I've been a vegetable, but I have gotten a lot of school work done and some work on updating the website. I even learned a few things I never realized, and I was able to watch a few tv shows (like the Simpson's) that I've missed for far too long (even if it is mostly just reruns). Yes, I could have finished more schoolwork. Yes, I could have gotten more done on the website updates (although I would definitely have missed out on being a couch potato had I done that). Maybe I should have done more, but at a certain point I realized that I have a four-day weekend and, although there is a lot that needs to be done, I should make sure that I spend time just to enjoy myself and relax a little. I mean, hell, I've been stressing mentally and emotionally quite a bit in the last couple of weeks - it's not to hard to see that I need to calm down a bit.

By the way, not that you care, but do you have any idea how hard it is to find a jpeg on the net of a specific, early (almost obscure) painting by Monet called "Waterlilies"? The man painted a fucking million paintings, and he goes and names a few dozen of them by exactly the same name - "Waterlilies." And of course certain ones by that name are more popular than others and are much easier to find. Let me just tell you that it took FOREVER, and I was just about to give up when I finally found the one site that had the image of the specific painting I was looking for. Ugh! What a drag! But I've got it, at least. Why? you might ask? Well, I have a poem about desire that's inspired by that painting (I had seen it in an art book), and I'm going to post it to the site sometime soon, and I thought it would be cool for you surfin' folk to see what I was inspired by when I wrote the poem. I hope you're interested. But then again, who knows? It's not like anybody e.mails me or signs my guestbook, so who knows if anybody even reads this drivel ...

Dustin spoke to me again today. It's not as though he was speaking to me in a way that would suggest friendliness per se, but we joked back and forth during most of our poetry class. He has such a beautiful smile and adorable laugh. And he just looked at me like he really saw me when he said something - not like he was just saying things to pass the time. Oh, I just wish he really had any interest at all in talking to me. He's so perfect.

Actually the joking wasn't everything. Just before class broke up I had conferred with Brian (sitting on my other side) about what was due in our next class (Brian is in my Imaginative Writing Class). Dustin overheard this (why was he listening in, I can only hope to speculate ...) and asked me how many writing classes I was taking. He is taking Craft of Poetry and Craft of Fiction (the two classes we share) and I am also taking Imaginative Writing (with Brian) and Creative Writing Workshop as well as the senior-level Contemporary American Literature class. Dustin seemed surprised, maybe a little shocked or awed that I was taking all of that at once. "How do you do all that?" he asked (or something to that effect). I just replied that it was a lot of reading and writing and shrugged my shoulders. He just smiled and shook his head.

It was a real conversation with Dustin where we joked with each other and then he asked certain things about me. I suppose it was completely innocent on his part, but it was wonderful for me to feel that he was really talking to me. The only thing that has bummed me out about this whole exchange is that I realized that Dustin hasn't taken the other two classes that I'm taking yet. He'll probably take them next semester and I won't be in them with him. In fact, I probably won't ever be in another class with him considering he's only a Creative Writing Minor (I'm a Major) and I'll be a semester or two ahead of him in classes. I might see him walking around campus in future semesters, but it's not the same.

That means I only have this semester to connect with Dustin or I'll lose my chance forever to get to know him. Am I being melodramatic? Maybe. I just feel such a strong attraction and connection to him. I just want to get to know him and have him to talk to. More would be wonderful <sigh> but I'd honestly be happy if I could just have him as a friend. He's just so incredible. I don't want to lose him.

How fun is it to read a novel for pretty much every free hour of two straight days? Well, it definitely depends on the novel - and my suggestion would be that an old, musty classic (no matter how classic) is not likely to be all that enjoyable to read in that period of time, particularly if you're reading with the knowledge that you're going to be tested on the book (including explaining who said various quotes when in the novel). Add to that having to read a few short stories plus critical essays on each of those stories, having to write four original poems, having to revise a poem, and having to do research and planning for a day where you teach the class (this research needing to be done for a meeting with the professor to make sure that you're not a dumb-ass). This is my life. At least it's my life today.

My work for college is definitely keeping me way busy, and I'm bordering on burnout. The only saving grace is that I really like the stuff I am reading and the things I am writing (except for the critical papers, the professors can go fuck themselves with those for all I care). I would actually really enjoy everything this semester if it just wasn't so pushed - I would get so much more out of this if I could really spend a little time working on what I write or even if we had more time in class to discuss what we read. But heck, this is college, and you're not really expected to get anything out of this - you're just expected to shell out tons of money. But that's what makes capitalistic America go 'round, right?

So you'll have to excuse me, 'cause I'm totally burned out on reading right now, and it's just going to keep going on for at least a few more days if I'm going to keep up with everything for my various classes. That's okay, though, 'cause it's only making me moderately insane, and I can deal with that, you know?

Welcome to the Police States of America, where you will be arrested for taking pictures of a nuclear power plant or arrested for being a dark-skinned American air-traveller or arrested for sending e.mail (and heck, what's two or three days in jail as long as you're eventually able to prove you're innocent and not a terrorist, right?). Welcome to the Police States of America, where you have freedom of speech except when you want to disagree with the government's opinions and where you have the right to privacy until the police decide to enter your home without the necessity of a warrant and where you have the the right to be considered innocent until proven guilty as long as it only involves some lower-classed nobody with no connection to the government (and heck, it's not like Americans ever use all of those rights anyhow, right?). Welcome to the Police States of America, where it's a melting pot of all races, colors, and creeds as long as you come from eastern Europe, have white skin, and praise Jesus; where all men are created equal except women and gays because they're not men of course; and where children are to be protected because they're too young to make mature decisions, except of course if they do something you really don't like in which case they'll be prosecuted with the most severe penalty available for an adult (and heck, who needs the KKK when you have the government and the religious right to do the job?).

Your every sanctified right and freedom is being stripped from you as we speak. You, your brothers, your friends,and your neighbors. Every hardworking person who keeps this country running. Every good person, trying to make a decent living. Each and every one is being deceived into accepting the "necessity" of losing freedoms and equalities as the "only way to protect ourselves from terrorism." Well guess what? What do you have to fear from terrorists if you're safely locked up in a prison and "protected" from doing anything or going anywhere or interacting with anyone? Nothing. (but heck, wouldn't you rather take the chance with the terrorists? At least then you'd only have a slight chance of having your life impacted, rather than an undeniable negative impact).

I had disturbing dreams last night. If you've been reading my Journal for any amount of time, you'll know that I never remember ever having any dreams - it's as though I don't dream at all. I'm sure I must, since everyone does, but I haven't remembered dreams since before puberty. Maybe I've suppressed my dreams since they were filled with pain in my childhood, lots of fears and doubts, but whatever the case I just don't remember them. There is an exception to this, however, and that is nightmares. On certain occasions, on average about once every three months, I have a nightmare or a few nightmares, and they shock me awake in the middle of the night. Sometimes I remember these nightmares perfectly, other times I just have a vague feeling. Last night was broken up by vague nightmares. I woke up at about 3 A.M., jumped out of bed and turned on the light, then looked all over my bed and under the covers, sure I would find something even though I had no idea what it was I expected to find. Whatever I had dreamed left me shaky and wide awake, but I eventually got back to sleep. I woke again sometime in the night, probably a couple hours later, once again quite suddenly, but I wasn't as panicky or jumpy as the earlier incident and I stayed in bed, eventually going back to sleep.

It's bothering me that I'm such a freak. How many people don't remember their dreams? How many people have such a weird memory as me? How many people have panic attacks because they're lonely and they see people they wish they knew? How many people hate themselves? Just the freaks.

Look at me, the freak! <dances around like a lunatic> I'm the freak-boy! <jumps up and down like a monkey>

Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me. Shoot me.

Dustin read a story today in class - not the class where he was upset about the Blow-pops but another class (I have two classes with Dustin). I've thought his voice was really wonderful when I had heard him talk before, but I realized as I listened to him read his short story that his voice is somewhat melodic. It's almost as though he's humming or resonating or something deep in his throat as he speaks. Not like a deep voiced resonance - his voice is actually a very moderate, light tone - but it just has this certain vibration that makes it seem somewhat musical. So needless to say I was enchanted for a little while during that class with the chance to listen to him. Am I smitten or what?

In other news, and as an update to my excited news about the updated Powerbook G4 I've been waiting to be released so that I can buy one, Apple has announced that its next two Apple Stores will open at the same time on Saturday the 13th. To me, this seems like exactly the perfect moment to make an announcement about the PBG4 update and maybe some other hardware updates, all the openings and updates together very likely meriting a few moments of notice from the media. If I'm right, that means that I only have another week to wait and I'll be able to order a new Powerbook at last! Heeheehee! I'm just giddy at the thought!

Updated news from the rumor sites I follow regarding industry news for Apple and the hardware and software for the Mac - reports in the last few weeks have seen various people who had sent in a Powerbook G4 to Apple for service have gotten returned Powerbooks with a few unexpected upgraded features (the expected DVD/CD-ROM combo drive that is expected on the much anticipated upgrade for the Powerbook G4 which was released in January). Very recent news has made it clear that stock at authorized retailers is down to nothing or next to nothing and that order sheets from Apple list the current Powerbook G4 configurations as EOLed (End of Lifed). These are all of the usual indicators that a new model (or in this case a much upgraded version) are on their way very soon. While no date has yet been announced (Apple usually has immediate availability when they announce new products or upgrades), and while it is still not exactly clear what new features will definitely be included, it seems that my long and patient wait for the upgraded Powerbook will soon be at an end. That makes me tremendously happy, I can assure you.

Sure, it may be another week or two (Apple has made upgrade announcements in October a number of times before, but it is usually right around the middle of the month), but after already waiting over two and a half months, what's a couple more weeks. And the possible upgrades should make the wait have been well worth it. Now I'm just anxious. It's amusing, actually, because it's unlikely that I'll get the darn thing until early to mid November (wait for the announcement, order it, wait a couple weeks for shipping ... that sort of thing), and I might not have time to install much (if any) software until Thanksgiving Break due to the volume of schoolwork I keep getting. But even though I won't have it set up the way I like it until probably some time in December, I still can't wait.

Do I sound like a little kid waiting for Christmas? Well if I do, good, because that's what I feel like. I want this sooo bad. <grin> It's good to have this warm, l happy feeling. <still grinning>

Dustin spoke to me again today. I was sitting next to him again, wanting desperately to rub his back while he leaned forward at his desk, and we were passing around a bag of Blow-Pop suckers that our teacher had brought in. This teacher often brings in cookies or twinkies or donuts or something, so this wasn't unusual. What was a bit unusual was that Dustin was actually interested for the first time. He usually just passes the snacks along and has no interest, but today he was digging around in the bag. I asked him "Don't tell me that the first time you're interested in one of the snacks Amanda passes around that there's not a flavor that you like..." While I said this he had pulled his hand out of the bag and turned it over to look at the label. He looked up at me with an exasperated look on his face and said, "They're cherry. They're all cherry. I hate cherry. It tastes like cold medicine." Then he passed the bag to me in defeat.

In a way I felt bad for him, but mostly I was just all warm inside - he was so adorable. I'm sure it's goofy for me to be so jazzed about such a stupid little incident, but Dustin just seemed so cute and precious. He still seems completely perfect to me. If only I could ever be interesting to him, even if it was just as someone to talk to. <sigh>

Well, I have spent all day avoiding a short story/writing exercise, a critical paper, and studying for a test (all of which are due this week in various classes). What have I done instead? Well, I've read some gay-themed stories, watched some crappy tv, and (most importantly) spent a fair amount of time tweaking some updates for the website as part of the process for setting up the official launch in less than two weeks. There's still a good bit of work to do, but now it's really just a matter of updating and adding links and cleaning up and adding poems and stories. Even that stuff shouldn't be too bad since I already know what links I want to add and I already have written the poems and stories and they just need to be revised. It'll just take a little time - but after the hit-and-miss screwing around with customizing things (particularly customizing the new Guestbook through DreamBook), everything seems pretty easy to accomplish.

So I feel sort of guilty for not working on my schoolwork, but I at least feel more human and emotionally stable than yesterday. I was feeling pretty fucked up yesterday, and I can assure you that blowing off a day of schoolwork so that I can get my shit together is definitely keeping my priorities straight in my book.

My problem will return again tomorrow, starting with being near Dustin again. Yesterday, I sat right next to him in class (we had the desks in a circle around the edge of the room, so I was really right next to him). I really had to force myself not to openly stare and whimper with my need, but I only succeeded to a certain degree because I just kept watching Dustin as he was leaning forward into his desk. He just looked so perfect, like he always does, and I just wanted so badly to just rub my hand over his back. Just soothing strokes and maybe a deeper rub here and there like a light massage, nothing like groping or anything. It was just so enticing. It was like his back was beckoning me, trying to pull me in. And he spoke to me briefly again and smiles at me. He has such a beautiful smile. It wasn't like a conversation, just a question about a class assignment, but it was so wonderful to be able to look directly at him and not have to hide my stare. I wish there were something to that smile that was really for me, but I know there's not. Just thinking about it is pure torture. I just want to spend time with him so much.

But that's not likely to happen - probably ever. At this point I almost wish he was ugly and stupid. Then maybe I wouldn't be so captivated and it wouldn't hurt so much. But I don't. He's so perfect. I just wish he could ... I don't know ... like me or something. I don't know what I expect. I just want to be near him so much.

I almost stepped in front of a speeding van today. I was walking back to my car after my last class, and I was pretty upset. The day had gotten progressively worse, and things had come to a head in my last class. I crossed a street on campus amid traffic, and just as I stepped on the curb on the far side I looked at the minivan speeding towards me and thought how quick and easy it would all be to just step back into the street in front of the van. Part of me's angry that I didn't just do it.

So now I'm at that point - the point where I actually start seeing ways to end it rather than just lustily hoping that the end will come quickly. I don't really feel anything about this one way or the other, but I know logically that this should concern me somehow. I'm just too tired to care anymore, though.