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November 2002

November 30, 2002

You know, if my damn body didn't expect sleep I could get a hell of a lot more stuff done.

I've spent a fair part of the day reading, or at least trying to read, and I haven't been making the best success. I read some of these critical articles and drift off and lose track of what the hell is trying to be said (and this would be difficult enough if I were fully awake and interested considering how convoluted and stupid most of this kind of writing tends to be), but no matter how hard I try to concentrate I just start to phase out and have to go back to try and read again in the vain hopes of getting some sense out of all of this. Eventually, I just decided I'd take a quick nap and then I'd be refreshed and good to go, right? Well, sorry - no such luck. I ended up zoning in sleep for like nearly an hour and a half. I admit that I was able to focus better after the nap, but I still was just as disinterested, so it was only a moderately greater success than my earlier attempts.

Whatever happened to reading things you're interested in or that you might use? What about even just reading stuff that makes sense? Hell, if I wanted uninteresting stuff that I didn't understand I'd read James Joyce or something - at least that would be an intellectual pursuit.

The end of the semester will be a great relief for me. I need to get rested and actually read something I like. Simple pleasures, really, but a world of difference from what I'm getting now.

Posted at 5:19 PM

November 29, 2002

Today was interesting. Sarah had been offering (and prompting) me to join her and her extended family for their Thanksgiving get-together. They rotate from one family/home to another each year, and this year's event was with Sarah's cousins in Fort Wayne. Eric (Sarah's boyfriend and part of my Thursday-night group) would be coming along as well, so I would know at least two people, and I had nothing better to do, so I agreed.

Following arrangements, I picked up Eric and drove us to Fort Wayne using some faulty directions from Sarah (she had set out separately, with her parents, from Lima). Eric and I ended up having some trouble finding where we needed to be but eventually got there, still even with some time for appetizers before dinner.

All of the food was wonderful, but unlike most Thanksgivings I have attended or heard about, the food was quite secondary to everything else. Nobody quite gorged themselves like I'm used to, and the big emphasis was around conversation (which is quite fine by me). Everyone shared interesting conversations, individually and in groups, and I was particularly pleased that many of the family made a specific conversation with me to get to know who I was. Everyone was really very nice. On top of that, the two resident children, about 2 and 4 year old boys, were highly entertaining and incredibly happy, well-behaved kids that were very fun to be around.

After dinner, we all went for a "waddle" as they joked. It turned out to be more of a walk through the forest trails amidst the residential area - in the dark. A couple of people had flashlights, but it was a dim, odd sort of excursion considering the lighting. It was nice, as I always like to walk in the woods, but it was certainly something that my family would never agree to do. Once we got back, we had a book exchange. Each of us had brought three books from our collections, drew numbers for the order of our first pick, and swapped books. It was interesting (and once again, something that my family would never imagine or try).

At the end of the evening, before we all drove off our separate ways at about 10:30, we all (young and old alike) sat and watched the new Muppet Christmas Show on NBC for two hours. Again, this is something my family would never have done. My father would never have allowed it, but even if that fucker was eliminated from the picture, only a certain number of people would have sat and watched - not everyone.

It was a very full-family event with people of similar minds and interests who were all genuinely happy to be together and having fun together. It was a different experience, and it was heartwarming to get to feel what it's like to be part of a more normal family - a caring family. It was weird for me, not because I was an outsider (which I never felt like) but because it was almost surreal to see what seemed so right and so wonderful as a celebration of a holiday. It was a very good thing.

Posted at 1:14 AM

November 28, 2002

Today was just a simple day alone - not necessarily the way I would care to spend any Thanksgiving, really, but not as bad emotionally as lonely holidays often are for me. For the most part, I went through the day pretty well, rather relaxed and content. The end of the day was the best, though, and it was all due to a simple, hokey TV show.

I watched ABCs Dinotopia tonight. I hadn't seen the two-day movie special that had launched this idea a few months ago, and I wasn't really all that upset because it looked pretty stupid. I mean come on, the effects were okay (and just okay), but it was a very childish idea, and even as much as I enjoy things that most children enjoy, this just struck me as too trite for my patience to bear. Anyhow, I found myself with nothing to watch last night because the few options available were things I had already seen, and I always go for something different, even if it's a crappy option. Hence, I watched Dinotopia.

I must say that I came in with very low expectations, and I wasn't disappointed. That is to say that my low expectations were met - no better. I'm ashamed to admit, though, that the whole show was worth watching simply because of the eye candy. Erik Von Detten is cast in this horrible series, and he is (as he has always been in all of the few things he has done) simply hot as hot can be. He simply exudes sex appeal and beauty, and while he's a very expressive actor with at least some potential, he always ends up in some horrible production like this one. So while the story and everything else sucked, I was just lost in Erik's phenomenal eyes, flowing hair, perfect face, and beautiful body. He's just yummy.

And I suppose it's sad that staring at him was all that I got out of the show, but that worked for me. It made my day end nicely, in fact - just a simple appreciation of a beautiful guy (...a guy who I can never have or probably even meet, but still super to look at just the same).

So that was my holiday. It was nice. Erik Von Detten definitely gave me something to be thankful for.

Posted at 12:31 AM

November 27, 2002

Lee took me out for a nice dinner tonight. She's always interesting to be around, and I usually enjoy her company. Tonight, rather than talk about the Arts Center and its inter-related politics, we talked about Lee's recent trip through the western U.S., about her big party, and about her family. Yes, we spent some time talking about the Arts Center, and particularly about the new Executive Director, whom we both like, but we spent very little time on it, particularly considering how much it usually dominates our conversations otherwise. So that was nice - just a nice, relaxed talk about what Lee has been up to.

I never really talk about myself in these things. It's not really so much in my nature for one thing but also there's some sense of Lee needing the catharsis of talking about things that bother her and needing to share things that have made her happy. I'm all too glad to oblige. It's rare for me to get the chance to be a sounding board for anyone anymore, and I like to be able to help out in such a simple way whenever possible.

We ended up spending nearly six hours together, and while it was longer than I expected it was still a good night for me. Tomorrow is likely to be a bit lonely and empty, and having last night will help me feel a little better about spending Thanksgiving alone (again). In fact, Eric offered for me to come down to BG and spend time with him at his apartment, but we both have lots of schoolwork to do, and we felt it would probably be better to try to get a little work done (which wouldn't at all happen if we got together and thereby had a reason to procrastinate). But right now I feel like I'll survive tomorrow alright. And that's a good start.

Posted at 12:10 AM

November 26, 2002

Yeah, ... well, ... as usual, things didn't go quite as planned. As always, I had these simple (but timely) plans for the day, and they fell apart. Not entirely, mind you. In fact, I got some very important things accomplished, but I didn't get as much done as I wanted.

A lot of it was due to being waylaid by Lee and Tom in the office here at the Arts Center. I had to pick up a package from the office, and what should have been a matter of moments going in and out ended up eating away about an hour and a half of my time, pushing everything else back and making certain things impossible to accomplish because it was too late in the day. The worst thing about it was that I didn't even get any useful or amusing conversation or information out of the time in the office - it was just an hour and a half of my life sucked out of me forever.

Actually, the whole interchange in the office wasn't just simply a waste of time; it was also a very disheartening set of confrontations. One issue was learning that my rent (and the rent of others in the building) may go up significantly, that my wing of the building may be reclassified as no longer residential, and that the non-profit organization that runs the Arts Center has gone into a very problematic degree of debt. The other issue was part of a talk with Lee that struck me as ignorant and discriminatory, and it left me feeling very uncomfortable and disappointed. Both things together depressed me quite a bit, which is a shame since I was actually in a fairly decent mood prior to stepping into that office. No big shock there, though, since the fucked up nature of that office usually leaves me depressed or angry. I should know better by now.

I can't say that I'm in a chipper mood or anything as I write this, but I've had some time to distance myself from things by now, so I'm a bit more calm. In fact I'm tired again, and I'm just looking forward to getting some sleep in a few more hours. Maybe its a good thing that I don't remember my dreams ...

Posted at 9:50 PM

November 25, 2002

I miss Simon.

I have spent a lot of time today missing a few different people who are gone from my life, but it all comes back to Simon. He was just so perfect, and I'll probably never see him again. It hurts to know that. It hurts to be alone. It hurts to not just be able to say "Hi" and find out how his life has been going. I don't expect a lot. As much as I would have loved to have gotten close to Simon in a committed relationship, that was never to be since Simon was quite decidedly straight. But I miss just having my good friend, someone who shared a number of my interests and who would just talk to me about day-to-day thoughts and happenings. I miss having that kind of friend who is content just watching TV with you and who shares a simple meal or even listens to you vent when you've had a bad day and just want to get it off your chest, even if its boring or stupid. I miss Simon specifically because he was so good-hearted and so understanding. He was supportive while still expecting me to pull myself together. He taught me so many things and learned from me as well, and he pushed me to explore different music and films and so many other things that I would never have considered. He was all of that and so very much more, and he's gone.

I hate being alone like this. I hate it. All of the good people are gone.

Posted at 11:04 PM

November 24, 2002

Well it may not have been a very productive weekend, but it has been good for my mind. I've caught up on some of my e.mail and some of my web readings, I got some of my paper done (and hopefully won't have trouble finishing it to turn in tomorrow), finished the critique of a short story that I've been putting off for a few weeks, watched a little TV (including the Wizard of Oz, which is always fun in its way), and I even updated my operating system on my computer (which I've been putting off for fear that, with the one-in-a-million chance that something might go wrong in a simple update, that I'd lose all of my work on that fucking editing shit.

So I've done productive things and non-productive things. Actually more non-productive stuff, but I think I mentally needed that release, so I'll live with it.

I'm still tired. I need a few straight days of just waking up on my own, without a clock, so that my mind and body make their own decisions about how much sleep to get, but that will have to wait for a while longer (at least a few more days if not potentially a few more weeks).

Am I getting to sound whiny? Well, I feel that way, even if I don't. Sorry to be so boring and bitchy, but it's the best I can do with an overloaded brain. You'll get better stuff after the semester ends. Until then, please be patient.

Posted at 12:17 AM

November 23, 2002

Having finally turned in my fucking editing project and reading a few things, I am back up to speed with where I'm supposed to be for my classes. That's small consolation, however, considering the papers and novels that are coming due in the next two weeks (as well as a presentation). I had hoped to get a start on research for the two more intense papers, and while I did indeed spend some time at the library yesterday and get some better ideas of what thesis to follow and what books and resources might avail me, I still haven't got a working outline and still haven't checked out a single book. I have a short paper to write, a short story to critique, and a few short things to read over the weekend, so I'll continue to postpone my research until next week, which certainly wasn't part of any plan I'd been imagining for the last week or so.

But even with so much coming up, I feel quite relieved to at least be caught up again. Maybe I can get to sleep in over the weekend and feel a bit better (not that it's happened so far). That'd be cool. I'm not quite as haggard as I was a certain points, but I'm still pretty beat. And I've been eating horribly - bad stuff with no regularity. That can only get better.

Adding to the insanity of the week was actually managing to sell my older car to a nice (and hot) young guy from Findlay, over an hour south of here (in fact, I had people from Vermillion (over an hour and a half east of here) and Michigan (just less than an hour north of here) who actually didn't just call but came to look at the car. I have no idea what the fuck is up with people actually in Toledo since nobody from here called at any point). Anyhow, I'll spare you the gory details, but the transfer of the car was incredibly complicated and took a lot of my time and sanity. But it's done, and I haven't heard anything back from the new owner since he took the car on Tuesday night, so I'm hoping that that part of things is behind me.

On the down side of the car sale, I found out that I needed my title to transfer my old license plates to the new car (which I'm sure that I knew deep down, but I had obviously forgotten). As luck would have it, I had left my title in Sandusky with my grandmother to put it safely away in her safe deposit box at the bank. Wouldn't you know that I'd need it again. So I had to go through all sorts of calling and explaining to get the title mailed quickly and safely to me, and it, fortunately, came yesterday (and I even had fifteen minutes to spare before the Post Office closed so that I could pick it up). On Monday I will hopefully be able to transfer the plates (which is good since the temporary tags expire in about a week), and that will be just about (although not quite) the last thing I'll need to do to finally have the new car all set. So I'll be up early on Monday to get to the BMV before going to classes. It's just no end of fun.

Posted at 12:36 PM

November 22, 2002

Snow. Lots and lots of snow. I love the stuff a lot of the time. It makes the landscape beautiful, and it's fun to play in if you have the time. But it sucks to drive in - mostly because of other drivers around you who have no clue about how to drive in bad weather.

We got a bit over four inches of snow in the wee hours of the morning, and it left an ugly mess for the morning which I had the misfortune of driving through. I'm still trying to decide if the new car handles really horribly on ice or if it would have just been tough driving in any car, but it was not pretty. And there were cars spun-out off the sides of the road all over the place. Heck, I'm getting used to a different car and I handled it okay, and there are people who likely have had their cars for a while who just don't have a clue how to keep control. It's scary knowing that I have to share the road with those people.

Oh, boo-hoo. Tough luck for me, I guess.

Posted at 11:26 PM

November 21, 2002

Tonight was full of poetry, and it was in many ways weird and wonderful because of that.

The readings on campus this evening were longer than usual this evening to account for a total of seven readers (as opposed to normally just one or two). Even with shortened amounts of time each, it made for a much longer reading. This is what happens to the Senior BFAs in Creative Writing - they have to read their work in a public forum as part of their graduation requirements, but they basically just get fucked by the department in favor of the self-righteous MFAs who normally read on Thursday nights. Ironically, tonight's reading was the best set of poets and poems that I've heard in two years' worth of readings. The MFAs could learn a lot from their junior counterparts: no pretentiousness, no self-righteousness, no 'expected' form and theme - just good, fun, raucous words, strung together powerfully. Good stuff.

And the poetry didn't end there. At Big Boy, Eric wanted me to workshop a poem of his (seriously edit and critique, with no holds barred) and Heather wanted me to workshop four poems that she wanted to submit to an on-campus literary rag.We spent a couple of hours, around everything else, editing their poems. It was weird Not bad-weird. But still weird

So it was nice in its own way. Never a dull moment.

Posted at 1:23 AM

November 20, 2002

I won't go into one of my political/moral tirades about Emperor Bush and the campaign to revoke your freedoms today - I'll just let somebody else do it! In fact, Drake had this article copied onto his Message Board at his website, and I had missed it because I was so busy with classwork that I wasn't keeping up with my reading of major editorials. So anyhow, take a gander at what William Safire, has to say in the New York Times ...

WASHINGTON — If the Homeland Security Act is not amended before passage, here is what will happen to you:

Every purchase you make with a credit card, every magazine subscription you buy and medical prescription you fill, every Web site you visit and e-mail you send or receive, every academic grade you receive, every bank deposit you make, every trip you book and every event you attend — all these transactions and communications will go into what the Defense Department describes as "a virtual, centralized grand database."

To this computerized dossier on your private life from commercial sources, add every piece of information that government has about you — passport application, driver's license and bridge toll records, judicial and divorce records, complaints from nosy neighbors to the F.B.I., your lifetime paper trail plus the latest hidden camera surveillance — and you have the supersnoop's dream: a "Total Information Awareness" about every U.S. citizen.

This is not some far-out Orwellian scenario. It is what will happen to your personal freedom in the next few weeks if John Poindexter gets the unprecedented power he seeks.

Remember Poindexter? Brilliant man, first in his class at the Naval Academy, later earned a doctorate in physics, rose to national security adviser under President Ronald Reagan. He had this brilliant idea of secretly selling missiles to Iran to pay ransom for hostages, and with the illicit proceeds to illegally support contras in Nicaragua.

A jury convicted Poindexter in 1990 on five felony counts of misleading Congress and making false statements, but an appeals court overturned the verdict because Congress had given him immunity for his testimony. He famously asserted, "The buck stops here," arguing that the White House staff, and not the president, was responsible for fateful decisions that might prove embarrassing.

This ring-knocking master of deceit is back again with a plan even more scandalous than Iran-contra. He heads the "Information Awareness Office" in the otherwise excellent Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which spawned the Internet and stealth aircraft technology. Poindexter is now realizing his 20-year dream: getting the "data-mining" power to snoop on every public and private act of every American.

Even the hastily passed U.S.A. Patriot Act, which widened the scope of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act and weakened 15 privacy laws, raised requirements for the government to report secret eavesdropping to Congress and the courts. But Poindexter's assault on individual privacy rides roughshod over such oversight.

He is determined to break down the wall between commercial snooping and secret government intrusion. The disgraced admiral dismisses such necessary differentiation as bureaucratic "stovepiping." And he has been given a $200 million budget to create computer dossiers on 300 million Americans.

When George W. Bush was running for president, he stood foursquare in defense of each person's medical, financial and communications privacy. But Poindexter, whose contempt for the restraints of oversight drew the Reagan administration into its most serious blunder, is still operating on the presumption that on such a sweeping theft of privacy rights, the buck ends with him and not with the president.

This time, however, he has been seizing power in the open. In the past week John Markoff of The Times, followed by Robert O'Harrow of The Washington Post, have revealed the extent of Poindexter's operation, but editorialists have not grasped its undermining of the Freedom of Information Act.

Political awareness can overcome "Total Information Awareness," the combined force of commercial and government snooping. In a similar overreach, Attorney General Ashcroft tried his Terrorism Information and Prevention System (TIPS), but public outrage at the use of gossips and postal workers as snoops caused the House to shoot it down. The Senate should now do the same to this other exploitation of fear.

The Latin motto over Poindexter"s new Pentagon office reads "Scientia Est Potentia" — "knowledge is power." Exactly: the government's infinite knowledge about you is its power over you. "We're just as concerned as the next person with protecting privacy," this brilliant mind blandly assured The Post. A jury found he spoke falsely before.

Posted at 11:42 PM

November 19, 2002

Blargy blarg blarg blarg.

I am tired and achy, and its not from a cold or from carrying things that are too heavy. It's from running around like crazy trying to get all sorts of things done during the day after having gotten up early and not having slept very long. Oh, and also without anything more than one meal in the middle of the day.

This crazy schedule and stress level are really beating the shit out of me, but I'm most of the way there. The editing project still needs one final tweak tomorrow before printing out a final copy, photocopying a bit of it, and buying a big binder clip to keep the whole monster together. and then I turn it in when I have a meeting with my professor in her office. Hopefully that will go smoothly so that I can get past the ongoing nightmare that I suffered under that project.

I also managed to finish Naked Lunch and a critical review of Naked Lunch as well as actually having an idea of what is going on. On the down side, I didn't have time to read the three modern poets we're discussing tomorrow or the source reading for my history class - I'll have to read them tomorrow around everything else, and that will get them done but will put me behind still.

You see, I was going to work today at getting topics/theses together for my short paper for the Beat Lit class, for the huge final research paper for my Beat class, and for the final research paper for my Modern Poetry class. Nothing was done on that front today, sadly, and with so much reading still to do tomorrow around other things, I won't be left with much (if any) time for planning and research (my big hope was just to start collecting books from the library - the final project for my Beat Lit class requires ten sources and my final paper for my Modern Poetry class requires at least two (although I usually use much more for the papers in that class) - so I was hoping to spend a lot of time in the library getting stuff together. We'll see how all of that goes, but I thing my time in the library will be quite minimal.

On top of all of that, I have been busy with other things - notably the continued efforts to sell the car. The results of today's efforts are yet to be seen, but I'll keep you posted for all of the details as they come, good or bad.

And right now I'm just plain tired. I need to finish a few more things yet tonight, and my alarm is set for an early wake-up tomorrow (oh boy) to get rolling on all that I can manage during the day tomorrow. We'll just have to see how it all goes.

Ah, my bed is calling me again ... "Soon, my sweet ... very soon ..."

Posted at 10:05 PM

November 18, 2002

Sinking. Falling. Down. Down.
Small. Dark. Tight. Cold.
No.
No.

Posted at 9:47 PM

November 17, 2002

The end is in sight!

For all practical purposes, my EDITING PROJECT FROM HELL is complete. Now, that's not to say that there isn't still work to be done - I still have to make a clean copy of the manual with all of the editing marks, I still have to revise and print the interview, the reconstructed manual, and the detailed explanation of all of the dits, not to mention the copies I have to make of certain included forms and stuff. But heck, that's all the easy part after having to write it all up and research all of the exact changes with specific references to the Chicago Manual of Style. Ooooh - such fun!

Even with getting up early, I spent almost the whole day working on the editing project, and my reading of Naked Lunch is woefully behind. I have started; so that's something. Sadly, though, even with a few more hours of reading yet tonight and a few more hours between classes tomorrow (around tweaking and printing the EDITING BULLSHIT), I am unlikely to have the book finished in time for Phil's class. Hopefully I'll be pretty well along, though.

On the positive side, I did get laundry done. I know that sounds like a completely trivial thing, but I have been so overwhelmed with schoolwork that I have been putting off washing clothes for longer than I should. I was to the point today where I had run out of clean socks, underwear, and pants, and I didn't have much choice but wash things if I didn't want to wear some funky stuff. So you have to understand that this was a very important thing (and besides, I have no life, so this is a high point for me. It's just so sad ...).

I'll be up early again tomorrow for EDITING CRAP and to hopefully still have a good amount of reading time, and I doubt I'll get much more than four hours of sleep (although I'm hoping I can somehow bend time a little and get five, somehow), but I'm getting close to at least putting this part of the editing class out of my misery.

I can hardly wait ...

Posted at 9:23 PM

November 16, 2002

Well, although I am still quite zoned, I am a little more relaxed after a solid day of EDITING BULLSHIT. I hate this project (and this class) with a violent passion that nearly frightens me, but I had some satisfaction today in that I made some very decent progress on the project overall. That's not to say that I don't have a mountain of work yet to do, but I did get further than I expected today.

Yea.

Posted at 10:26 PM

November 15, 2002

Damn. I am just way too tired.

I spent a few hours before classes and then time between classes working on the FUCKING EDITING PROJECT FROM HELL, and at least it's moving along some. I still only have about 290 notations to explain a remaining 500+ edits, and then I'll be done, and at a rate of 10-15 per hour (which is better than the 10 per hour I averaged on the last two projects), it is going to take every waking hour (and some hours when I normally wouldn't be awake as well) to finish this up. And hell, I still have to read Naked Lunch on top of all of that (as if that's not going to be convoluted enough on its own).

The big surprise of the day was Nathan waiting for me outside my hall when I was leaving today, begging a ride with me to Bowling Green to visit friends. I had to hurry him along since I was still frantic about trying to spend more time on-campus doing FUCKING EDITING, but we got along in decent time. I made arrangements to take him back as well, so aft6er classes and a bit more lab time I grabbed Nathan from chatting with Phil (the same Phil who teaches my Beat Literature class and is a friend of Nathan's as well) and drove him home before heading back ton the Arts Center for a few more straight hours of the FUCKING EDITING PROJECT FROM HELL.

And how I'm struggling to keep my eyes open before I crash in bed. I'll sleep in a bit tomorrow to refresh my body (although sleeping in 'til 8 A.M. hardly seems like sleeping in, as I see it), but then almost the entire day from start to finish will be about working on the FUCKING EDITING PROJECT FROM HELL.

Like I was saying - Lucky me.

Posted at 12:03 AM

November 14, 2002

Hey! Who wants to kill me? I've got five bucks ...

So today I got up far earlier than any human being should awaken, and I worked pretty much non-stop on this FUCKING EDITING PROJECT until I had to leave for the poetry reading in Bowling Green. In the middle of the afternoon, I realized how hopeless it was to think that I could finish the editing project by tomorrow morning even if I didn't sleep. Sooo ... I called my professor and somehow lucked out and she was willing to give me an extension until next week. That still meant (and means) that I'll be spending lots of hours trying to get everything done, but at least now it is possible (or at least that's what I hope).

The reading was really quite horrible, and it was even a published author who was sponsored by the Mid-American Review and not just by the Creative Writing department (which has absolutely no budget at all). So that sucked.

I had also not had enough time to print out the things I was working upon when I was at the computer lab right before the reading, so I went back after the reading was over and spent more than an hour trying just to get the files I needed to print to format properly.

I eventually stopped in to see people at 'the Boy,' even though I arrived there even later than I had hoped to head back to Toledo. I stayed long enough to eat (I had eaten once during the last 24 hours before that and once during the 24 hours before that) and vent a bit. It was a good thing, too, because with so little sleep, so little food, so much stress, and so much pressure to make myself move faster than time, I had started emotionally crashing during the reading and was doing everything I could not to cry all over the place in front of everyone. But somehow I managed to get through the rest of the night.

I still ended up leaving early, but not as early as would have been good. Now I've got to get right to sleep because tomorrow will be another day of getting up way too early for my own good.

Lucky me.

Posted at 11:59 PM

November 13, 2002

So.
Fucking.
Tired.

Did I mention how much I hate my editing class and the fucked-up projects I have to do?

Kill me. Kill me now so that I don't have to work non-stop on this project to turn it in Friday morning ...

Posted at 10:50 PM

November 12, 2002

... meanwhile, back in Toledo ...

Sorry for the brief and cryptic (and not entirely sane) Journal entries for the last couple of days, but I'm FREAKING OUT over my classwork. It's pretty much overwhelming me, and I am way behind where I expected (and even lately have hoped) to be. Reading the various books and chapters that were required for various classes took far longer than expected, and the editing project has been pushed back over and over again until now I'm at the point of taking it on without any other distractions but I have virtually nothing done with it yet.

Tomorrow will be key to getting it done. If I can get all of the marking, interviewing, and reconstruction work done, even if I don't get much of the specific notations of each edit written, I'll have a chance. Thursday will suck all around trying to get it done, but what the hell - that's just life.

By the way - have I mentioned how much I hate this fucking editing class?

Anyhow, I don't like the prospects of all of this, but at least I'm on top of things in my other classes. That's something at least.

On the up side, I had nice calls yesterday and today from Drake, my sister, and Chris (I'm still waiting to hear from Heather). My mother called as well, and that call was almost painless, so I guess that went better than usual also.

Also on the positive side, everything here is safe and secure after the freakish tornados and severe storm front that ripped across the United States on Sunday, particularly in the Midwest. Seventy tornado strikes were reported in the same day, seven of those in Ohio, and many were level T4 strength which basically means the funnel cloud is like a mile wide and stops for nothing. The video of the tornados in action as well as the aftermath is quite amazing. The destruction is phenomenal, and I can't even begin to remember ever hearing of even a tenth of this many tornados striking in the same day, let alone at this strength. It's simply unbelievable.

So excuse my freakishness the past few days (and maybe the next few days while I finish this editing project), but there's been a lot of shit going on. For now, I'm bearing up okay, but I just want it to be over. Sometimes college just isn't very enjoyable, and now is one of those times.

Posted at 10:07 PM

November 11, 2002

Meek. Beeple-bopple duzza grebba muck. Forga tolanda fantaramac. Speckadiddle!

It's the story of my life, I tell ya ...

Posted at 12:24 AM

November 10, 2002

So there I was, hell-bent on world conquest without anyone to stand in my way, and I fell asleep ...

Posted at 8:23 PM

November 9, 2002

Saturdays are really disappointing me this semester. Cartoons have sucked during the morning, various series during the afternoon either suck or are preempted for every sport known to man ("Anyone for croquet?"), there aren't any decent movies played out, and I always end up having way too much stuff to do for school. Today has been no different.

I'm finding myself really longing for the good-ole' days when Saturday was a time to relax. Sure, I did schoolwork, but the weekend, and Saturday in particular, was my time to recharge, relax, be amused by cartoons and a cool series or two, and maybe get out of the Arts Center to do something - anything - around town. But that simply isn't to be.

Maybe I'm just a big whiner, but I seriously miss my fun-time. It's not like In was asking for much (at least not from my point of view), but I feel really cheated to have had this special time taken away from me.

I hope the Saturdays next semester are better.,

Posted at 8: 42 PM

November 8, 2002

I have had a horrible headache today. It was there when I first woke up, early. It was there when I woke up with my alarm. It was there when I woke up after deciding not to go to my first class in favor of more sleep to hopefully make my headache away. And it was still there after I had some migraine aspirin as I got cleaned up.

I will admit that things were somewhat better after taking the aspirin, but my head was still quite in pain. I struggled through the day on campus, and after I got back to Toledo I had more heavy-duty aspirin, but it still just moderated the pain and didn't take it away. Even now, well into the evening, it's still here. Hopefully I'll sleep it off tonight, because the last thing I need is another one of my headaches that lasts day after day with unrepentant pain. That would just suck.

But we'll just see how it goes. Maybe I should just cut off my head - that would solve it. If only it wasn't so messy ...

Posted at 7:28 PM

November 7, 2002

To say that most of us were depressed at the Thursday night get-together would be an understatement of mammoth proportions. The fears we all have for the direction of the country and the trampling of human rights and freedoms are palpable and overwhelming.

While our stresses and depression are also fueled by being tired and overwhelmed by masses of work for our classes (as well as by individual personal issues such as the car for me and the impossibility of getting information about how to apply for graduate school in Heather's case), the political nightmare that we have entered after Thursday's elections was our predominant fixation. We looked at a number of dire scenarios, all feeling certain that Roe vs. Wade would be overturned, the U.S. would become entrenched in an inescapable war against various opponents, civil rights would be trampled ruthlessly, and the National Endowment for the Arts would be cut to a bare minimum of funding of not cut out of the budget completely. It's all just frightening, and none of us had anything positive to say about the situation.

Most everyone agreed that they would not hesitate to leave the country and move permanently to another nation, but that depressed me even more since I can't leave the country whether I want to or not. Heather promised that she and Chris would smuggle me out to the wilds of Canada if the time came, but I just despaired that I would end up being arrested as an illegal alien and then imprisoned or deported back to Emperor Bush's Fascist States of America. It would be just my luck ...

Sadly, the Thursday night get-together failed to perform its normal magic and cheer me up about my life. I suppose I can't expect that every time, but it was disappointing nonetheless.

Posted at 12:12 AM

November 6, 2002

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I don't feel just fine.

The damn Republicans have taken control of the U.S. Senate and thereby have full control of Congress. Say what you will about the Democrats and their stumbling failure to stand by the true values of party, but this is just shocking to me. Are the American people this blind and ignorant to give total power to Bush and the repressive conservatives of the country?

With this new set-up, Bush can pack the courts with ultra-conservative judges. Hundreds of appointments are possible over the next two years including a few Supreme Court positions. By the time of the next elections in 2004, I expect Roe vs. Wade to have been reversed, gay rights laws to have been toppled, and prayer not only to be allowed in public schools but to be required.

I also see the U.S. going full force into Iraq and then other nations as Bush goes on his killing spree of everyone who doesn't bow down to his will. If the bulk of the world doesn't already hate us now, they will within two more years. Also expect all sorts of dangerous regimes to have been stocked with U.S. arms in the misguided belief that they'll work on our side once they have our support in cash and firepower.

But the rest of the world will only be the slightest bit worse off than us, since we will continue to see constant erosions of our personal rights and freedoms as we've already seen. With Bush and Ashcroft left unchecked by Congress or the courts, don't be at all surprised to have police enter and search your house for no reason, bug you phones, read your mail, and arrest you for disagreeing with a Republican -sponsored law. It's all just around the corner.

And keep an eye out for troops in the street. Bush wanted to have federal control of the state militias and the National Guard before, and while the Democrats held him at bay before, they won't have the power to do that now. So now, if Bush decides that a city or state isn't behaving properly or needs a wake-up call, he can just send in thousands of jack-booted thugs from every branch of the military to enforce martial law or at least monitor the activities of everyone, and the state will have absolutely no way to stand up for itself or its people.

And it most likely won't end in two years when the next major election comes. Don't be so foolish as to think that the Republicans won't be screwing around with the entire election system nationwide to ensure that they maintain power. Heck, it worked in Florida in 2000 and again in 2002 (both in the primaries and in the full elections), so they know how to make it happen. And the people that help put the systems in place will get cushy government jobs, just like Catherine Harris got a Senate seat a few days ago. Remember her? The Attorney General from Florida who fought against recounts and against Gore having any rights?

It's bad, kids. It's very bad. And it is bound to get even worse.

Posted at 12:22 AM

November 5, 2002

Today hasn't been exactly a success, but I managed to achieve a few high points.

First, I went back to the place that installed the newer car stereo and got things reworked. It too forever and cost a little bit more, but the sound is phenomenally better. I'll still be adjusting things here and there for a while, but I can actually enjoy my music now (which wasn't the case even early in the day today).

Second, I got a haircut. That may not seem like much, but I've been trying to get a cut for over two weeks. The press of all of the things I've been trying to get done have forced me to keep putting it off, but I've also stopped at the place I get my hair cut on three different occasions and have run into waits of well over an hour before I could even get a chair. Finally, I got in today. It's about time, because I was looking pretty unkempt.

Thirdly, and lastly as big things go, I got to meet the new Executive Director for the Collingwood Arts Center (the place where I live). He was just hired yesterday after an extensive search process narrowed him down from about two dozen candidates, and he seems like quite a nice fellow. We spoke briefly about what he thinks he's getting himself into and what the Board of Directors is like, and it is clear that in some ways he realizes how much work there is to be done and how screwed up things are, but in other ways he is completely unaware of how blind he is to the unnatural politics that exist on the Board and how much they screw up everything good that is ever attempted in this place. I have high hopes for him, though. He means well; he is committed to working on the Arts Center and no other job at the same time; he is familiar with the structure and policies of other artist communities in the U.S.; and he has had large successes in non-profit artistic organizations in the past. So I'm hoping he'll be determined and positive (and maybe even successful).

Posted at 9:50 PM

November 4, 2002

Fuck! I got up early to get a jump on things and get some time to tweak and print my editing project before turning it in, and then I get waylaid by a "chat" with Lee in the morning and with a screwed up process of getting out of the building (and that doesn't even take into consideration the bitch of a time finding parking!).

Fuck! The entire graduate computer lab that I sneak into so that I can use decent Macs was full, and took me forever to get a chance to work on printing out my project (and then I found errors in the printing as well. At least I caught those).

Fuck! I started registering for classes today, and the damn thing won't sign me up for the readings again. It's a zero hour class, but it's required every semester for Creative Writing majors, and it never lets me register for it. I usually get the secretary for the English Department, Mary Jo, to force-register it for me within the system, but it would work for her either, this time. Then we talked to Registration & Records on the phone, and the woman at the other end was as unhelpful as could possibly be. Fifteen minutes later, I finally had the class registered, but that left me 30 seconds to get to my first class before the professor locked the door.

Fuck! I wanted to mail this small package from the copy/mailing place in the Student Union, but it would have cost 75¢ more than I had in cash, and they wouldn't take credit cards (even though everyone else that processes mail takes credit cards).

Fuck! The stereo system work that I had done yesterday on the new car SUCKS. It may even sound worse than the factory system that it replaced. This pisses me off because it cost me money to get a worse system, and even moreso because I really need to be able to listen to music and relax as I drive or I lose a key time for relaxing during the day.

Fuck! Our next editing project, which is like fifteen times bigger than the last project (which took forever) is due in eleven days! It's a nightmare!

Fuck! The guy that wanted me to call tonight to arrange a showing of my car didn't answer my call or return my message. He just blew me off, and he was the only contact I've had so far for the car.

Fuck! I'm still behind on all sorts of stuff I wanted to finish today, and I'm just fucking tired ...

Posted at 12:33 AM

November 3, 2002

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