September 30, 2002

Today, after not having seen or heard from him in over a year, I ran into Jerry Jaffe at BGSU in the English building. At one time Jerry was among my closest friends, and I even had a crush on Jerry for a while when we first became good friends when we were both first going to college in the mid '80s. But Jerry has grown more and more distant over the years, even being mean to me and certain other friends of mine over the years. And the bottom line is that Jerry has just been lumped among the same group of people here in Toledo who I had once considered my closest friends and now realize aren't the people that I thought they were.

Maybe I was wrong not to just be up front about how I feel, but I was nice to Jerry and spoke to him a while before my class. He made a couple cracks about having just finished his doctorate last year and me still slogging away without even my bachelor's degree, and he made a couple of other not-so-subtle jibes about my weight and my clothes, but I let it slide. To a large extent that's just Jerry's way, and he likes to play little mind games with people and try to start arguments for his own sense of fun, but I just won't rise to it anymore because it's certainly no fun for me to bicker with someone, even if they think it's just all in fun. It just ends up hurting me, whether or not that's Jerry's intention. And it's just offensive.

So I spoke for a while with Jerry, but it was mostly about what was going on in his life. That's usually the way of things, anyhow (Jerry's pretty narcissistic. In fact, he once told me that, "It's not being narcissistic if everything you say is true." I think he misses the point of the term).

It was just a brief conversation, and the only encounter I may have with Jerry for an entire year, but it bothers me to think that I once counted Jerry among my very best friends and would have gone to the ends of the earth for him - and now I don't trust him and feel uncomfortable with the way he treats me (or at least with the way he has treated me ever since I was outed as gay). You'd think I'd be able to just move on, but I can';t help feeling like I've lost something incredibly special, even if it was largely one-sided on my part as seems to have been the case.

Posted at 12:09 AM

 

September 29, 2002

Good news and bad news.

The good news is that Jurry called me today. We talked for an hour and caught up with each other, having not talked for a few months, and had all sorts of fun talking about work, school, politics, religion, and family. It always amazes me that I talk to Jurry about things that I don't talk about with pretty much anybody else. But I love it! Jurry is just so much fun to know! And he's talking about visiting again soon! That will be so cool.

The bad news is that after riding the high of speaking with Jurry, my mother called. What could have been a simple, perhaps even pleasant, conversation, ended up being a frustrating confrontation about guilt and ... well, it was about a lot of stuff. It was just upsetting. After all these years, I still have no idea how it is that she can so easily get me so upset with seemingly very little effort on her part. Grrr...

Anyhow, that was the ups and downs of my day. All told, I'm kind of down, but I'm trying to focus on hearing from Jurry and just enjoy the thought that he'll be visiting soon (and I'll try not to remember that my mother will be visiting sooner).

Posted Written at 11:27 PM

 

September 28, 2002

Mmmm .... Chinese food!

I got groceries and, since I wanted something a little different, I bought Chinese takeout from this great little shop inside my favorite grocery store.

Lots of times it doesn't take very much to make me happy. Keeping that in mind, it's pretty sad that I'm sad as often as I am.

Posted Written at 11:56 PM

 

September 27, 2002

Sarah called again tonight, brightening my evening once again. I had actually started the day really happy this morning, even singing happily in the car on my drive down to Bowling Green for classes. In fact, I was even bouncing around a bit with some extra energy, something I haven't had in quite a while. I had thought it would be a great day as I drove in, but that wasn't to last.

In fact the stumbling block for me was three really cute guys in a row. I know that that makes no sense, so let me explain. You see, I was all happy and then walking across campus from the parking lot in the middle of nowhere to my first class, and I saw this really attractive guy walking a little ways off along the sidewalk. He was just the right height and a nice simple build and nice coloring and stuff, and nice, casual taste in clothes ... and, I don't know, I just really appreciated what I saw and wished I could be close to someone like that. And then I just thought, "Well that's not going to happen, now, is it? So why do you taunt yourself like this? Silly fool; like he'd have anything to do with you." And that's pretty much the way it always goes.

So that took all of the wind out of my sails. I wasn't sad at that point, but that happiness and energy from earlier was gone. And then I saw the next guy.

Let's just say that by the time I got to class I had seen three really adorable guys in a row, none of whom would ever probably even realize that I was alive, and I was pretty bummed out by that time. By the time I was done with classes and back in Toledo, I was just pretty numb and empty again. And that's why it was so great to hear from Sarah again because it really helped to lift me up again, and it was really great to feel that way.

The thing I realized today is something that I had thought about many times in the past - I might just be better to cloister myself away in a cave somewhere where I would never see attractive guys again. Maybe then I could just let my emotions level out and learn to just accept being alone and empty. It's not like it would be a great existence, but I might avoid the really low points of my depression. Or not. It probably wouldn't be that simple anyhow.

Posted Written at 12:11 AM

 

September 26, 2002

Our regular Thursday night get-together at 'the Boy' was a bit different tonight. Heather and Eric were there when I arrived (and Misty, too, although she was with a group on the other side of the room initially). We had a nice little chat for a short while before anybody else showed up. We were all bemoaning our overload of homework for the weekend, but Heather shut us all down pretty quickly by listing off the huge quantity of things she had due the next week. By the time Beth, Brian, Laura, and (a few minutes later) Manny showed up, we were talking politics and bashing Emperor Bush (which is always fun for me, but it's beginning to lose its luster because it's just so damn easy anymore).

With the arrival of so many more people, along with Misty joining us, we managed to break off into a bunch of separate smaller conversations about various things. Brian ended up leaving with some girl to play Halo on her X-box, and the whole idea of that was weird to me considering he had come into town for the weekend from a state away just to see his girlfriend Beth, and here he was just leaving her. Very odd (but the again, maybe I'm just old-fashioned or something).

Actually, we hadn't been there very long when Chris arrived, and he left almost right away with Heather for some quality time (and who can fault them for that?). Laura left then as well, and we ended up having an odd conversation about why Manny has sex, with who, and how that's different to him than establishing a relationship. It was ... just strange. Manny was tired at points, too, and he would just lean into me with his head on my shoulder. It's funny, but that felt really nice.

It's not like I mean it's funny ha-ha, but funny weird because I never thought of Manny in a touchy-feely way. Heck, I don't generally think about anybody that way (I'm not the kind of person that has fantasies ... at least not that kind of fantasies), and I pretty much never think of friends that way. So when Manny leaned against me, it felt really good, because I really miss that kind of comfortable closeness and contact, but it was also just strange and unexpected because I'd never considered that sort of thing before.

But then I'm just sort of weird anyhow, and after two years since I last dated anyone at all, and about five years since I last had any kind of continuing relationship (short-lived though that was), it's just odd to have had that sort of simple physical contact. And it's still as nice as it ever was.

Posted Written at 2:39 AM

 

September 25, 2002

I had an awesome conversation with Sarah tonight. She called me this evening and we talked for about an hour and a half about all sorts of things. Mostly, she wanted to see that I wasn't depressed and that I knew she's my friend. Sure, that may sound kind of sappy to you, but it's really something I need to hear.

It's hard to tell who I can really count as a friend anymore, and Sarah is certainly one of the best people I could have as a friend. She's smart, funny, caring, and energetic (oh, and she's really cute, too; not that that does much for me as a gay boy, but just because a pretty girl doesn't move me ... um ... down there ... umm ... well, that doesn't mean that I can't still appreciate that she's attractive). Honestly, Sarah's the kind of person that I am amazed would be interested in having em as a friend - I mean, she has so much going for her that she could make friends with anybody, so why choose me? But she does like me and care about me, and I'm more than happy to appreciate her being my friend even if I don't understand it.

And tonight she was able to really make me feel good. My mood had been taking an upswing most of the day, but Sarah really lifted me (she's the wind beneath my wings -- ha, ha, ha! Sorry. I know that's just so cliché). We didn't even talk about anything deep or emotional, but just talking about some political issues or our friends or some memories from times when we were growing up - that sort of companionable conversation is one of the things that I really enjoy and often miss having in my life. So Sarah is, in her own way, giving me something to live for.

The big thing now is to make sure that I'm there for her and that I can prove to be as good a friend to her as she has been and likely will be to me. I want no0thing more than that. And maybe I'll end up allowing myself to trust people again. Maybe.

Posted Written at 1:08 AM

September 24, 2002

Wow. Oh, wow.

The season openers of Buffy and Smallville simply rocked tonight. Both had a lot of craziness to pull together from the past season's finale's, and both had a lot of things to set up for where they will go in the coming season. They both did so incredibly well.

Buffy actually seemed almost a bit lame for a most of the hour as it set up the new people and places and wrapped up stuff from last season, but during the last five minutes it pulled everything together and gave a glimpse into a freakishly cool future in the coming season.

Smallville, which I've really just discovered over the last couple of months, not only has super-hottie Tom Welling but has an incredible dynamic of storytelling going on. After the town-wrecking tornado from last season's finale, I wondered how things could be pulled back together this season, and not only does the show pull together but it sets up all sorts of possible plot-lines for the future. If you haven't seen it, this show rocks.

Also of note, although on a completely different level, is 8 Simple Rules about Dating My Teenage Daughter, the John Ritter sitcom. The pilot was quite amusing, and the second show (which I taped while I watched Buffy) was a good sign of things to come.

Who'd have thought that Tuesdays would become my favorite television viewing night?

Posted at 10:41 PM

 

September 23, 2002

There's an old saying that I never put much stock in as a child, but it occurred to me today that I should have been cautiously following it all along:

"Choose your friends; don't let them choose you."

For me, that's a big thing because I have always been so shy and cautious around new people that I have almost invariably only had friends who have chosen me. And considering my past, that was indeed an incredible mistake.

So what's all of this about, anyhow? Well, I'll tell you. I've been really depressed for the past five days or so, and I'm still sick (just that it keeps moving through me from my nose to my ear to my throat... mmmm - phlegm!). So I really wasn't at my best, but I was starting to come out of my funk and felt like I was beating my cold ... and then I get smacked upside the head by someone I used to consider a friend.

I had received a nasty phone message a couple weeks ago from Shannon, and I had decided just to let it go. Delete the message. Just forget about it. And I had forgotten about it. Until I got a long, even nastier e.mail bitching at me, lying about how she's treated me, and dredging up misunderstandings from things that happened over fifteen years ago as "evidence" of what a horrible person I am (while suspiciously not mentioning any of her own transgressions).

My initial response was incredible anger. I was furious that I should be berated in such a way. I was thinking of all of the things I could write back to her - all of the bile I could spew about how much she had screwed me over during the course of our "friendship."

Ironically, those issues had never even entered my mind when I had distanced myself from her about a year ago. It was all just the result of her being incredibly bitchy to me and judgmental, and I realized that I didn't need that in my life. So at the time I just pulled away and waited for an apology. I made clear on a number of occasions, through a mutual friend, that I felt insulted and unfairly treated and I deserved an apology. But I never got one. In fact, Shannon would send e.mails or leave phone messages telling me that she was waiting for me to get over myself - as if my being offended by screaming obscenities was my fault (and if you've been reading my Journal for a while, you'll recognize all of this from incidents last summer, so I won't recount things).

As I got to thinking about the causes for that initial withdrawal from Shannon, it occurred to me that she was doing the same thing all over, just with a different approach. In fact, I found it amusing that she claimed to be upset that I was withdrawing from our friendship while in the same breath she was telling me what a horrible person I was and how I shouldn't blame her for being a bad friend when I had made mistakes, too. After I realized that, I just laughed and laughed. It was simply too funny.

How to Win Friends and Influence People
Lesson #6973

Bitch at a person and tell them how horrible and useless they are. They might be clinically insane and think of you as a friend.

So anyhow, it was all just amusing to me. And that's good, because getting angry is a place I don't want to be. In fact, that's one of the reason's I've gotten so depressed is that comment from Heather (Thursday before last in the Journal) that I had scared her. It just bothered me fiercely, and I found that I have been gradually becoming exactly what I have most feared becoming - mean, dangerous, and frightening. I would be following in my father's footsteps, and that is the last thing I (or anyone) could possibly want.

But back to the bitchy-former-friend issue. I'm over it. I had held hope for a long time that Shannon would come around to understanding why I would be upset and offended by the way she had treated me and that she would think enough of our friendship in the past to apologize and try to work things out. But now I can see that there can never be a resolution. It seems impossible now that Shannon can ever admit to being less than perfect, and even if she did I don't believe that I could renew our friendship. I can't have hateful people in my life anymore, and Shannon repeatedly proves to be hateful.

I've always tried to put my friendships before myself, but I won't do that anymore. I've been willing to lay down my life for my friends before, take the blame for even the worst offenses, and give anything I had to help or please my friends - but no more. Friendship must be earned and so must trust and devotion. And until those things have been earned, I have to place myself first before someone else. If I don't, I'll never be able to like myself.

Posted at 12:57 AM

September 22, 2002

I don't know if any of you saw the parking lot video tape which recently showed a mother wickedly beating her child as she put her in the car, but it was seriously disturbing. There was an APB out for the woman, and I just knew at the time that when she got caught she would tell everyone that she didn't abuse her children. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

But guess what? She was caught! And she said she doesn't do stuff like that! Here, read it for yourself:

Videotaped Mom Surrenders to Police
By Tom Coyne
Sunday, September 22, 2002; 7:50 AM

MISHAWAKA, Ind. –– A mother who was captured on videotape slapping and punching her 4-year-old daughter said Saturday she was wrong to hit her child, but said "I am not a monster."

Madelyne Gorman Toogood, 26, surrendered to police to face a child battery charge eight days after the nationally televised videotape depicted her shaking and hitting the child after in a department store parking lot.

Four-year-old Martha Toogood showed no signs of physical injury, but the state placed her temporarily in custody of another family, prosecutor Chris Toth said Saturday. The girl was being examined at a hospital.

"She's safe. We just have to, at this point, make sure there are not any deeper physical injuries," Toth said. "She's a sweet, wonderful girl. Physically she looks fine."

After being released from jail on bond, Toogood, of Mishawaka, admitted to reporters that she was wrong to beat the child, but criticized authorities' decision to temporarily place her daughter with another family.

"My child shouldn't pay for a mistake I made," she said, insisting her husband or other extended family could adequately care for her daughter.

"I am not a monster," she said, fighting back tears. "I have three children. Nothing's ever happened before."

An arrest warrant issued Friday charged Toogood with battery to a child, which carries a maximum penalty of three years in prison. Earlier a judge set her bond at $5,000, although prosecutors had requested a $50,000 bond because of her transient history, Toth said.

Toogood, who investigators said cooperated during a one-hour interview, was transferred to the county jail for booking, Toth said.

Police had been searching for Toogood and her daughter since the Sept. 13 incident, caught on video by a surveillance camera outside a Kohl's department store in northern Indiana.

Authorities said the mother had left the store angry because she was refused a cash refund for goods. The woman is then seen putting her daughter in the back seat of a sport utility vehicle, then pummeling, slapping and shaking her for nearly a half-minute.

Toogood's attorney, Steven Rosen, said his client was angry because her child was misbehaving in the department store. He said he would not attempt to defend the attack because of the videotape.

"It's clear here the young lady lost her temper," said. "I'm not here to say she's not guilty ... She committed a shameful act. She shall be punished."

osen also criticized the girl's temporary placement with another family, saying the Toogood family was tight-knit and traumatized by the decision.

"To me, this is very detrimental, very psychologically detrimental, bordering on abusive," Rosen said.

Authorities feared Martha Toogood might have been seriously injured. Rosen said Toogood's family members and friends told him the child was fine and had been examined by a doctor.

I can't begin to tell you how upset this makes me. It makes the mother sound like a victim when she readily admits that she beat up her little girl. I don't fucking care what her reason was, it's never okay to harm a child. And the fact that it happened for something that was far from even being very significant makes it clear in my mind that this was far from the first incident of abuse that that child had received.

For my money, the child should be safely removed from that family for good and the mother would spend the rest of her miserable life rotting in prison. No one should ever be allowed to get away with harming a child. No one.

Posted at 8:11 PM

 

September 21, 2002

Well, damnit, I'm sick.

I'm not achy, phlemy, or pukey. No, I just have this frustrating runny nose that won't give up. But that sucks as much as anything since it's so fucking annoying.

It all started the night before last. I had been pretty emotionally upset all that day (and the residual effect of that remains), and I had been having uncontrolled crying and anxiety attacks. I survived, but by the time I went to bed I was really worn out. At the same time, we had this weird cold front move in and bring cooler air and all sorts of thunderstorms. I didn't think anything of it; if anything, it just seemed to mock my mood. Anyhow, when I woke the following morning (yesterday), I had a head full of snot. Really. Nose, sinuses, down the back of my throat - that sort of stuff. It seems the wind blowing through my open windows blew in something obnoxious, and I, not at my best, didn't fight it off like I naturally do. So yesterday was a sniffly annoyance throughout.

Today is worse. If I thought my nose was running like a faucet yesterday then it must be a waterfall now. I still don't feel bad, though - just annoyed. I just want the damn flow of snot to stop. It's gross!

Posted at 12:32 AM

 

September 20, 2002

As a gay man, I have had far too many experiences of reading or hearing how "wrong" it is for me to be gay. Well, gee, thanks a lot. It's not like I chose to be this way, and - NEWS FLASH! - it's not like being gay has made my life any simpler or happier. So my message to people who can't accept homosexuality is, "Get over it!"

I have run into many people who don't accept homosexuality. Many just don't understand or don't have any exposure to same sex relationships. Some people have had bad experiences from their childhood with sick people who may have been pedophiles but not necessarily gay (and the studied statistics suggest that the majority of pedophiles aren't gay). But of all of the people out there who don't accept homosexuality, the worst are the blindly religious who simply repeat what they have been told, quoting scripture without having never even read the passage themselves.

A clear example is the condemnation of homosexuality in the Old Testament chapter of Leviticus. I won't even go into the issue of how modern translations from the original Greek and Aramaic are often considered to be inconsistent with the original text and intentions. Instead, let's just stick with Leviticus as it stands.

And to help us, we have the (apparently) irrepressible Dr. Laura who, despite having her TV show cancelled, being shut off of tremendous numbers of radio markets, and facing lawsuit after lawsuit, still preaches her hate on what remains of her radio program. Dr. Laura, ostensibly a doctor (which she isn't) and a sex therapist (which is up for debate), is an Orthodox Jew (which is true), and therefore this debate doesn't get into issues of Jesus' love and compassion and "turn-the-other-cheek" attitude. Dr. Laura has said the same things on the air before, citing Leviticus, but her recent iterations drew a feedback letter on the internet from a listener. I would like to share that letter with you.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to follow them:

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

I) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.
- Patrick Rhoades

Posted at 10:57 PM

September 19, 2002

Oh, cool! That'll be so much fun!
Hey? Where is everybody? ...

Posted at 11:03 PM

September 18, 2002

You've heard the phrase, "You should stop while you're ahead," haven't you? Sure you have. Well, I'm thinking that I should "stop while I'm behind."

Just when you think that life can't possibly suck any more - SURPRISE! - Hell and fate have all sorts of things lined up and waiting for you. Just when you think you can't hurt any worse - BOOM! - your heart and mind find entirely new levels of suffering. Just when you think you can't possibly want death to come any quicker - WHACK! - reality smacks you upside the head and makes you realize that even another second is far too much.

I should stop it all now. As horrible as it is now, the one thing that becomes clearer every day is that somehow it will manage to just get worse and worse as each day passes. I just want it over.

Why the fuck am I such a coward that I can't just get this over with? Why can't I just put myself out of my misery? Why can't a bus hit me or something? Anything. Why can't it ever get any better?

I don't know how I keep managing to get out of bed in the mornings. I don't know why I even make the effort. It's not like there's anything worth waking up for. Why can't I just cry myself to sleep tonight and then never wake up? But I suppose that can't possibly be allowed because that would be a break from my misery and certainly that isn't to eb allowed.

Damn, what did I ever do to deserve such pain? Oh, the horror. The horror.

Posted at 12:13 AM

September 17, 2002

Well here's the deal. I haven't posted any new Journal entries since the middle of last week. I've been pretty upset about a lot of things and incredibly depressed. Considering I usually put up at least something every day and upload it, this is a notable thing. Granted, most of you may not even have noticed and the rest of you may not give a damn, but hey, I'm just telling you how it is.

So anyhow, I actually had Journal things for each day. I just didn't do anything with them until today. And in all honesty, it's been a real struggle to even get myself together to do it all today. Oh, and don't worry about thanking me for getting my act together enough to post. I know better than to think that any of you would go so far as e.mailing me or anything ...

But I wanted everyone to know that even in my shitty state of mind I'm still trying to get stuff up for you to read. Yea. And don't be confused by the Posted Written at notation on the last few entries; that's just to show that I didn't upload them right away. And I'm sure you are all fascinated by this.

What can I say? I have no life.

Posted at 11:59 PM

 

September 16, 2002

George W. Bush strikes again. Late last week he spoke before the United Nations General Assembly, demanding that Saddam Hussein allow weapons inspectors into Iraq and demanding that the U.N. back the U.S. with this request. Today, only four days later, Iraq agreed to allow inspectors into any part of Iraq requested by the U.N. Bush was not satisfied.

According to good ol' boy George, Saddam is playing a game with the U.N. just to gain time to stave off military action by the U.S. Well, anything's possible, I suppose, but it seems much more clear that Bush is the one playing games. He can't wait to have a new war to fight (particularly since his public opinion polls have been dropping for months), and even after he has made clear demands and had those demands met, he still wants to find a reason to go kill people. I tell you - that boy ain't right.

The whole thing is outrageous to me because Iraq actually made the offer a little over a month ago to allow any and all members of the U.S. Congress to tour and examine any area in Iraq because they had nothing to hide. Bush claimed then, as now, that this was just a ploy to delay American military action. Maybe it was, but if Saddam made the offer over a month ago and then offered again as an immediate response to Bush's speech to the U.N., how can Bush say that Saddam's just reacting to the speech and he's not serious?

And what's Bush's rush? Could it be that he wants to be at war when November elections roll around so that he and the Republicans can look powerful and perhaps gain some voting support that might help them gain full control of Congress (or at least keep them from losing control of all of Congress)? I'm not saying anything for sure, but don't forget where you heard this prediction first come this Fall.

One way or another, I hope the people of America get wise to Bush's antics. He's a war-monger. He likes to kill people. And he's power mad. If everybody realizes that now we might all save ourselves a lot of pain and suffering (not to mention what we'd do for the rest of the world). The man's just bad news. And he must be stopped.

Posted Written at 10:56 PM

 

September 15, 2002

Sarah was in the area this weekend, back from Washington and grad school to visit her boyfriend and the rest of the Thursday night crowd. We had planned a get-together last night at Heather and Chris' apartment, but that fell through miserably due to "emotional difficulties." No big deal, tho', 'cause I made plans to have lunch with Sarah today before she drove back to D.C.

It was very good for me. In fact, I had been pretty down on the drive to Bowling Green but that all changed once I was together with Sarah. She is just so upbeat and pleasant that it's impossible not to have a nice time around her. This was one of the few times Sarah and I have actually met just as the two of us and not as part of a larger group, and it was really wonderful to just toss questions and conversation back and forth between us. I found out a lot about what grad school is like for Sarah; she found out a bit about how I came to attend BGSU; and we discussed Heather and Chris' situation which was far more complicated than I had realized (and hopefully they've resolved all of the issues; they're just too perfect together for things to be rocky between them).

Anyhow, even though it was just a lunch of an hour and a half, I had a great time with Sarah. It was a fantastic boost to my mood, and it was a great comfort to feel like I have another really good friend. How can you beat that?

Posted Written at 12:10 AM

 

September 14, 2002

After the last two days and being pretty upset about things, I was looking forward to some carefree fun this morning just watching cartoons and sitting back doing nothing but relaxing and forgetting about the rest of the world.

But how the heck is anybody supposed to do that when the various television networks all switch their Saturday morning line-ups to be completely worthless and disappointing?

I may be a little old for cartoons in some people's minds, but I appreciate good cartoons when I see them ... and I sure as hell didn't see them this morning. I normally expect that once a year (and maybe even twice a year), I will become disappointed with the changes implemented by a given network. It's no big deal, usually, because I just switch my viewing to another network. But this time all of the networks have changed for the worst. Oh. My. God. What were they thinking.

So now I don't know what I'm going to do. I've always looked forward to simple, fun Saturday mornings where I can just laugh and relax and feel sort of carefree, like I'm a kid again. And now I just can't do that. Damn, that just sucks so bad ...

Posted Written at 1:24 AM

 

September 13, 2002

I went to 'the Boy' for our regular Thursday night get together last night. I had gotten there later than expected because the Poetry Readings had begun and, as always happens when I least want it to, it ran over.

The Poetry Readings are supposed to be an hour long, from 7:30 to 8:30, and I can assure you that that is plenty of time even for the best poet to read a selection of their work. But no. This poet felt like she owned the whole night. And she even had the gall to have looked at her watch before reading each of the last four poems, knowing each time that she was past her hour of allotted time and just blindly going on without so much as an "I'm almost done." By the time it was done she had run over by twenty minutes, and even without a watch I had realized with each of those last poems that she was fucking us over. I was pissed. When I finally got out of there I was fuming, and once I got to Big Boy I was still pretty agitated.

Most of the group was there by the time I arrived, seeing as I was late and all, and I had no reservations about stating how pissed off I was and how much that bitch had made me that way. We spoke about a couple other things with me venting steam and rapidly cooling down.

Then Heather said, "Damn, Paul, but you scare me when you're like this."

Just a simple casual statement. Not said in anger. Not said in mockery. Not even really said with any sense of fear, even. But it hit me like a ton of bricks. Without ever having given Heather any reason to think I could be violent or mean, I still managed to scare her just with my anger.

I've spent a lot of time during my life trying to suppress any violence and rage that I might have. Much of the time, I turn it back on myself, taking it into me rather than letting it out. Most of the time it turns into depression, sometimes other things. I have avoided any sort of physical expression of anger since I was eight years old. I had gotten into a fight with a neighborhood friend and hurt him. I really just didn't know how strong I was when I was a kid, and I was pretty powerful for my age even after high school. Hurting somebody just freaked me out, though, because I realized that if I followed that path I would turn into my father. In fact, I trained myself to curb all of my angry outbursts, even yelling or arguments, for fear that I would grow up to be the same hateful, hurtful, and abusive man that my father is and has always been.

For a long time I have succeeded in holding things in, only occasionally letting go and punching ahole in a wall or something similar. I don't get into arguments either. But I do go off at times to vent steam when I'm particularly angry. I only do so around friends, people I'm comfortable with, but I may never do that again after yesterday.

I can't tell you how much it disturbs me to think that I have frightened someone, particularly someone who knows me to some extent. It scares the hell out of me.

I don't have any idea how to deal with this. It's freaking me out still. And I don't know what to think.

Posted Written at 10:59 PM

September 12, 2002

Please don't let me be like him.

Posted at 11:59 PM

September 11, 2002

Today, rather than watching 'remembrances' of 9/11 or being part of a 9/11 'celebration' (which seems like a somewhat sick thing to do), take the time to think about the importance of peace. Realize all that we lose when we don't have peace. Consider how short life is and how we should enjoy, together, our limited time on this earth.

And once you've thought about peace and how important it is and how much you want it - once you have considered all of that - hold it next to your heart and make sure that you remember again into the future. Remember when you talk to friends about the news and politics. Remember when you support a charity. Remember when you vote. And don't let yourself forget the importance of peace.

May peace prevail on earth.

Posted at 11:22 PM

September 10, 2002

Oh joy. Really.

Ummm ... well ... maybe not really.

Posted at 11:13 PM

September 9, 2002

As we near the year anniversary of the terrorist attacks of 9/11, it is important not to let memorials, reflection, and talk of further war against the non-American world blur other important messages that might be lost in the deluge. This is one such message.

Human Rights

GENEVA — Departing UN human-rights chief Mary Robinson, in a bleak assessment of the state of human rights, accused governments of hiding behind the ongoing war on terrorism to trample civil liberties and crush troublesome opponents.

"Suddenly the T-word is used all the time," Robinson said, referring to terrorism. "And that's the problem."

The United States, Russia and China were among the countries she said were ignoring civil rights in the name of combating international terrorist groups.
"Everything is justified by that T-word," the 58-year-old former Irish president said in an interview with The Associated Press. "I hope that countries will put human rights back on the agenda because it tended to slip after Sept. 11."

Robinson argued the Bush administration set the tone by holding detainees from Afghanistan without charge at the U.S. naval base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. She also criticized Washington's opposition to the new International Criminal Court.

"The world needs leadership in human rights and the United States could give great leadership. It's not giving it at the moment, unfortunately," said Robinson, who leaves her post Wednesday.

When Robinson took other governments to task for abuses in the post-Sept. 11 era, they often cited the United States as an example in arguing that human-rights standards have changed, she said.

"And I've had to say the standards have not changed," Robinson said.

"The United States must be seen to fully uphold international human rights and humanitarian standards. The attacks on New York didn't just kill many innocent people - they were an attack on freedom and democracy, and we must uphold these standards. And we can do that and effectively combat terrorism."

Robinson said a number of countries were using the excuse of fighting terrorism to clamp down on legitimate opposition and curtail freedom of expression. She singled out Russian military operations in the restive republic of Chechnya and China's clampdowns on Muslim Uigurs and in Tibet.

It was Robinson's willingness to use her office as UN High Commissioner for Human Rights to criticize such big powers that made her a darling of activists like Amnesty International. But it ultimately caused her downfall.

Robinson wanted to quit last year at the end of her four-year term, saying she was frustrated by a lack of funding. She was persuaded by UN Secretary General Kofi Annan to stay an additional year, then she let it be known she was willing to remain in office until 2005.

That offer was declined, diplomats have said, because of U.S. annoyance at her criticism of the Guantanamo detention camp and her perceived anti-Israel stance, and anger in Moscow over her persistent clamouring for an inquiry into the suppression of Chechen rebels.

"I do most of the work constructively, diplomatically . . . but there are times when there must be a voice in the United Nations for the victims of violations," Robinson said.

One of Robinson's last visits was to China, where she said she had mixed feelings.

On the one hand, she said, China has made big strides in technical programs to educate police, prison officers and judges about human-rights treaties.

"But on the side of the reality of human rights, I'm very worried," she said, citing recent arrests of labour leaders to quell unrest, the detention of a well-known AIDS activist and the continuing widespread use of the death penalty.

Despite her gloomy overall assessment, Robinson said she took heart from her perception that human rights are being increasingly accepted as a fundamental part of development.

Asked what she considered the worst human-rights violation, she said, "Extreme poverty." She said the United States, in particular, needs to show more recognition of economic and social rights.

Robinson said she felt no bitterness at being eased out, saying she will be campaigning for a "more ethical globalization and a fairer world." She also wants to use her contacts to tap universities and foundations for more resources to promote human rights in developing countries.

Robinson said she was confident that her successor, Sergio Vieira de Mello, a Brazilian diplomat who headed the interim UN administration in East Timor, is capable and committed.

And she offers him one bit of advice given to her by an Irish poet friend: "If you become too popular in that job, you're probably not doing a good job."

Posted at 12:12 AM

 

September 8, 2002

So tired. So sad. So empty.

When does this ride end?

Posted at 10:41 PM

September 7, 2002

Make it stop.

Posted at 11:32 PM

September 6, 2002

I was wrong yesterday. The new guy I've become enamored with is indeed wonderful, but he isn't as close to perfection as any guy I've ever seen. And I can say that because I did indeed see the closest thing to perfection today for the first time in nine months.

There was an all-campus picnic and festival today as a welcome back sort of thing. It was okay. In fact for most people, I could tell it was loads of fun for a whole afternoon. For me, all I saw most of the time was great looking people everywhere and none of them cared that I exist whatsoever. Like most things like this, being in a large crowd, particularly a happy crowd of people where I know nobody (or virtually nobody), I just feel even more alone than when I'm by myself. It's like seeing everybody together and happy and surrounded by their closest friends and lovers, and I see in all of the people around me what I want but don't have. What it seems like I've never had or certainly have been missing for a long time. And it didn't even really hit me right away. I felt uncomforatble and out of place for a while, and even a bit like I didn't fit in, but it didn't really strike me why it was all bringing me down.

And then I saw him. Dustin. The same Dustin that was perfection in my eyes last Fall. The same Dustin I kicked myself for not talking to and asking out. The same Dustin I promised myself that I'd talk to and ask out if I ever had the chance to see him again.

I was walking away from some of the tables and play-areas, sort of in a daze from feeling weird during the whole event, and I looked up from my downcast glance at the sidewalk just in time to see Dustin pass me going the other way. It was like my brain just wouldn't connect for a minute as the reality that it was really him set in. And then I turned around and ... he was gone.

Of course he was gone. Exactly what else should I have expected. There. And gone. Just like that. And then it all just hit me like all of the thousands of people out in the campus areas had just been dropped on top of me in a huge pile. He was still going to BG. I had seen him. But he was gone. Gone again, maybe never to be seen by me again. And I didn't say, "Hello." I didn't ask if he remembered me or tell him how much I'd like to treat him to a cup of coffee. Or something. Or anything.

Nothing.

And it's killing me. I can't get him out of my mind, and I feel so empty and alone. I feel like I'm never going to break free from this. And I just can't keep doing this any more. I can't be alone like this anymore. I can't do it. I can't stand it anymore - how it makes me feel so cold inside, painfully cold, even when I'm sweating from the heat on the outside. I can't bear feeling all of the energy draining out of my body and leaving me feeling tired and weighed down, moving slower and feeling like the tears that well up in my eyes are drawing out every last ounce of strength and sanity that I have. I can't survive without any hope whatsoever.

I just can't.

Posted at 1:57 AM

September 5, 2002

Well, I saw him again today.

I have found a guy who is as close to my idea of perfection as anyone I have ever seen. He has so many qualities of appearance and personality that fit into my idea of perfection that it is simply unreal. Granted, there are still certain things that could make him even more perfect, but let's be realistic; he's closer than I ever thought could exist in a real person.

And of course it goes without saying that he is very clearly straight and not interested at all in me. He still seems perfect, even knowing that he's untouchable. Damn, are they all straight?

I guess I'm just doomed. I don't even ask for someone remotely near perfect, but that doesn't seem to make a difference. Fuck, man; I'd do anything to get into a relationship. And I'd do anything to keep it going. But the chance just never comes ...

Posted at 1:57 AM

September 4, 2002

Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! You're as welcome as can be! R-A-D,-I-O-A,-C-T-I-V-E.

That sure doesn't seem right as a modification of the theme song for the Mickey Mouse Club, but after watching a video called The Atomic Cafe this afternoon, it seems fitting.

You see, Phil used this video to help establish a context for the culture of America in the 1950's that produced the Beat generation. The video uses actual film footage from the '50s to show not only how much the fear of Communism and nuclear war affected the populace, but also how ludicrous most of it was (for example, if you've never seen the 'Drop and Cover' films that suggest this can save you from a nuclear explosion, you have missed out on the height of stupidity). I laughed at a lot of these things because it's simply outrageous how these films tell people that they can survive a blast even if they're a couple miles from the epicenter and that radiation isn't any real problem (one film even tells you that radiation can't enter your body unless you have an open cut or you breath it in ...). So it's often just laughable because it is so ridiculous.

But at the same time, it is incredibly sad to have watched these things. Partly it is sad because you see people who are wounded directly by nuclear tests or who are ravaged by radiation poisoning. But more largely, it is sad because it is clear from certain of the films that the government knew very well what sort of danger was faced by nuclear blasts, nuclear fallout, and radiation poisoning, but they kept that information from the public. Even worse, they exploded hydrogen bombs at test sites that left fallout blowing across populated areas without much of a care, and they out-and-out lied to the public through these various films that told them to 'Drop and Cover' to protect themselves or to build bomb shelters. It is all just so pathetic.

And you're probably still wondering where the whole Mickey Mouse Club medley comes in. Well, those films I watched today were similar to the same training films and propaganda/news reels that were commissioned by the U.S. government during World War II. Those films, like their WWII counterparts, were commissioned directly from Hollywood studios, and Disney Studios was one of the largest contributors. Anything for a buck, I guess (although the old story was that it was their "patriotic duty' to support the needs and wants of the government. Great. Lying to the American people somehow never struck me as patriotic...).

Posted at 12:47 AM

September 3, 2002

There are times when I wonder why I even watch the news or read newspapers and online news services. "Keeping informed is good," I tell myself. But the effects of keeping informed often really aren'[t good, always providing me with stories from the world that leave me sad, angry, and disappointed (although on the up-side, at least it gives me the inspiration to actually write a Journal entry even that isn't just a quote, even though I'm still monstrously depressed).

So anyhow, I saw a brief report about this on tonight's ABC World News Tonight and then learned more when I was doing my nightly net surf of news sites. Here's one article about the story, which I will provide here for you to read before I add my own thoughts (and by the way, the reason I put articles like this in my Journal rather than just provide the link is because I want the reference to the story in the Archives when the article is o0ld and the links may be bad).

One murder, two brothers on trial
by Dana Canedy

PENSACOLA - In a courtroom today, Judge Frank Bell will preside over a sensational murder trial: 14-year-old Derek King and his 13-year-old brother Alex will face first-degree murder charges in the grisly killing of their father late last year.

It is a murder that Bell, of Escambia Circuit Court, has already learned a lot about. He just finished presiding over another first-degree murder trial involving the same victim but a different defendant. The testimony of the two boys was the key evidence in the trial that just ended.

And while the jury rendered its verdict Friday in the trial of Rick Chavis, a 40-year-old local handyman and former King family friend, it was sealed.

''Is it possible for two different juries to find both of them guilty?'' Bell said of the two sets of defendants. ``Yes. Is it possible for two different juries to find both of them not guilty? Yes. Unusual, very unusual.''

The case has riveted people here since the two boys, then ages 13 and 12, were arrested on charges of bashing the head of their sleeping father, Terry Lee King, and setting their house on fire to cover up the killing. Relatives and neighbors said that King, who was raising the boys alone, was a strict disciplinarian but that they had seen no signs of physical abuse.

Still, it appeared to many to be an open-and-shut case, because Derek admitted to investigators in a taped confession that he wielded the bat that killed the father, and Alex confessed to coming up with the idea.

But matters became murkier in the spring when a grand jury in Escambia County indicted Chavis in the same killing. The boys had changed their story and said that Chavis killed their father and got them to take the blame.

Prosecutors now say Chavis was romantically obsessed with Alex. They have also charged Chavis with sexual misconduct against a child.
The brothers, who are being tried as adults, and Chavis are each charged with first-degree murder. If convicted, they will receive mandatory sentences of life in prison without parole.

The brothers, who are being held in a county jail area separate from adult inmates, are also charged with arson, a felony punishable by 30 years in prison.

Trying Chavis and the boys requires the prosecution to present two theories in two trials. In the Chavis case they said he swung the aluminum bat that killed King. In the other case they say the boys killed their father, who was 40 and worked at a Pensacola print shop.

Even David Rimmer, the assistant state attorney prosecuting both cases, conceded in a courtroom conference out of the jury's presence that the Chavis case ``is not my strongest case.''

The judge in both cases has ordered the prosecutor and lawyers not to speak to the media, and the lawyers on both sides declined to comment outside the courtroom.

The jury heard closing arguments in Chavis' trial on Thursday and reached a verdict Friday after about seven hours of deliberations. But Chavis will not know his fate for some time because the verdict will remain sealed until the King brothers' trial concludes.

The fates of the boys and Chavis have been linked since Nov. 26, when firefighters were called by a neighbor to a morning blaze at the King house and found the father's body in a recliner in the living room.

What happened just before the fire depends on which of the boys' two versions of events is to be believed.
Days after the killing, Derek and Alex provided taped confessions to police. They recanted their stories before a grand jury four months later.

Again in testimony before a rapt jury in the Chavis trial, the boys said Wednesday that their earlier confessions were intended to cover for Chavis.

Chavis goes on trial in October on charges of lewd and lascivious acts upon a child under 16 years of age, a second-degree felony punishable by 15 years in prison. Chavis, who pleaded no contest in the mid-1980s to having sex with two teenage boys, has pleaded not guilty to the pending charge.

In trying to establish what he said was Chavis' obsession with Alex as a possible motive for the killing, Rimmer read in court from Alex's notebook. ''Before I met Rick I was straight. But now I'm gay,'' one of the notes said.

Alex, dressed in a green prison jumpsuit with his hand cuffed in front of him, testified in a voice often just above a whisper: ``I was in love with Rick and he let me play video games and stuff. It was funner over at his house, I guess.''

The brothers, who said their father was controlling and abusive, testified that Chavis told them to take the blame for the crime because they could claim self-defense and, if convicted, would receive lighter sentences because they were juveniles. The boys said that on the night of the murder, they let Chavis in the house after midnight and that, following his orders, they waited in the trunk of his car while he killed their father.

Chavis' lawyer, Michael Rollo, told the jury that the boys' intricate knowledge of the crime contradicted their ''new and improved'' story.

Rollo pointed out that paint thinner -- a blaze accelerator that may have been the substance used in the house fire -- was found on the boys' tennis shoes.

Derek testified that the paint thinner was on their shoes because they had helped their father paint part of the house earlier in the fall.

Rollo told the jury not to be influenced by Derek's ''baby face'' appearance, describing him as a psychopath with a history of antisocial behavior and preoccupation with fire. Rollo said that Alex was afraid of his father and suggested the murder but that Derek carried it out.

King had custody of the boys, whose mother had not lived with her sons for seven years.

Derek lived with foster parents for seven years until his behavior problems became too much for them and they returned him to his father two months before the murder, according to court testimony.

On Nov. 16, the boys ran away from home and called Chavis, who picked them up and kept them at his house, according to police reports. Police officers picked up Derek on Nov. 24 while he was visiting a girlfriend and returned him to his father. The next day Chavis turned Alex over to the police. The boys were reunited with their father two days before the murder.

Derek said that on the night of the murder his father pushed Alex down and Alex started crying. He said the boys waited until their father fell asleep, and ''I went in there and hit him once and heard a moan. I was afraid he'd wake up and see us, so I kept on hitting him,'' Derek said. ``I killed him.''

So here's my thinking about all of this. First, I can't help but be furious and also incredibly sad about what seems almost surely to have been some form of child abuse. While I don't think anyone deserves to be murdered, I might make exceptions for child abusers, and as such it is hard to feel too bad about the victim. In fact, if the boys did indeed kill their father, I would side very clearly with them - they definitely need psychological help, but being abused has horrible effects that make it hard to accept sentencing them to life or even a large number of years in prison. Maybe a mental facility for a decade if needed, but not prison.

On the other hand, I have my doubts about whether the boys did indeed do it. If the family friend, Rick, was indeed having some sort of sexual/emotional relationship with Alex, the youngest boy, it might be very possible that he killed the father to protect the relationship or himself or even to take vengeance on the abuse of the father on his lover, the child. And the whole man-boy relationship is complicated as well. I don't usually get too bothered about this sort of thing if I really think there's love there and not just sex or control, regardless of the age. But hiding the boys from the father as he did was wrong. If he was concerned for the welfare of the boys in face of an abusive father, he should have called child services. If he wasn't concerned, he should have taken the boys home. And I think the biggest problem I have with him is that he clearly was just a pedophile looking for sex and control, not someone who really loved a guy who happened to be much younger. Why do I say that? Simple. If you really loved someone, you would not ask them to lie to the police to protect you when you knew that they would suffer in any way. Now that assumes that he did it, and I could be wrong, but a lot seems to point to him being the culprit.

There is one big issue about all of this that drives me crazy, though, and that is the whole idea that the boys are facing trail as well as the friend Rick. The prosecutor couldn't get enough evidence and get a clear enough case, so they decided to put every possible suspect on trial. Separately. Hmm. Why does that seem wrong? Could it be because they're knowingly trying to convict not only a potential criminal but also innocent people? What happens if both trials come up with guilty verdicts? Doesn't it seem incredibly likely that an innocent person would be getting fucked for life in that situation? This is wrong from it's core.

The hallmark of the American judicial system is it's founding tenent that "All people are innocent until proven guilty." While trials are being held which will hopefully have concerned jurors who will weigh all of the evidence carefully, it is simply the case that the prosecutors don't give a damn about whether anyone is innocent or whether innocent people are convicted of crimes they didn't commit. The prosecutors are simply interested in making a conviction and not interested in seeking true justice. That in itself is tragic, infuriating, and upsetting enough, but the judge involved in the case has allowed this charade to go on when he should have dismissed the case immediately until the prosecutors could settle on one case.

The ramifications of this sort of prosecutorial style are frightening, allowing for trial of anyone remotely connected with any crime, such that a rape of a young girl on a college campus at a party could allow for trials against a hundred guys who were at that party, all of whom are simply guilty of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. If the constant erosion of our constitutional rights and personal freedoms by the Bush administration weren't frightening enough, this sort of judicial free-for-all is certainly the harbinger of a fear-inspiring police state.

Gotta love those Bush boys. What George W. can't accomplish through the federal system, little brother Jeb is putting into effect at the state level. I tell you; Canada looks better and better every day.

Posted at 10:08 PM

September 2, 2002

Who Wants To Live Forever - Queen

There's no time for us.
There's no place for us.
What is this thing that builds our dreams
Yet slips away from us.
Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever....?

There's no chance for us.
It's all decided for us.
This world has only one sweet moment
Set aside for us.
Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?
Who dares to love forever?
When love must die.

But touch my tears with your lips;
Touch my world with your fingertips.
And we can have forever.
And we can love forever.
Forever is our today.
Who wants to live forever?
Who wants to live forever?
Forever is our today.

Who waits forever anyway?

Posted at 11:12 PM