| home
| archives
| bio | stories
| poetry |
links | guestbook
| message board May 2004
It is no longer simply my opinion that anyone under the age of 18 should be considered differently than an adult in court proceedings. Recent scientific studies prove that the human brain develops such that the centers of reasoning and judgment develop last, usually between the ages of 18 and 21. The judicial system in this country must take note of these findings and stop prosecuting and condemning children as adults. This interesting column from the Baltimore Sun fully embodies my feelings on this matter.
Posted at 10:53 PM
How is it that I can always give great advice to other people but never to myself? Posted at 12:18 PM
I've been telling you all along that the Republican party in the United States is a repressionistic, bigoted group that can be easily compared with the early aspects of the German Nazi party prior to Hitler's takeover as complete dictator. Emperor Bush is well on his way to becoming the next Hitler unless people in this country wise up and overwhelmingly vote him the fuck out of office. Here's yet another example of the true colors of the Republican party.
Posted at 11:25 PM
My grandmother drives me crazy sometimes. Rather than make things easy, it always has to be complicated. Why? Because she has these routines that she's grown used to over the years. That's why we can only follow three possible sets of roadways away from the house to anywhere in the universe, even if using certain other combinations of roads would get us there quicker or easier. Consequently, I have to drive these ponderously slow, winding routes to anywhere and everywhere when I drive her around, and at times it's outrageously frustrating. Going out of your way by five miles or more, just so that you can follow a certain familiar route, is insane. But ... because I try to keep her happy and accommodated, I drive those routes; I've given up suggesting other paths, even though she freaks out if we're late to get somewhere (which is inevitably because she is never ready to leave the house when I tell her), and we could have been there on time if we had taken a route I would have chosen (and I've proven this to her, getting her places much quicker, but she bemoans the route the whole way and bitches that we'll surely be late). So, like I said, I just have given up and waste who knows how much of my life in wasted driving time. She also drives me crazy with wanting to take letters to the Post Office. It's not good enough to leave birthday or holiday cards at the mailbox at home for the carrier to pick up because she must have a week to be sure they arrive by or before the special day. Does she send the cards out earlier to account for that? No. In fact she refuses to do so when prompted. They have to go to the Post Office. Not just the collection boxes outside that are emptied three to four times daily - no, they have to go inside the Post Office. I have explained, since I worked for a while in the Post Office, that the letters inside and the letters in the boxes outside the Post Office get sent out in trucks at the same time, early in the morning and at the end of the day, but she doesn't believe me or doesn't care. They have to go inside. Or how's this - she insists upon going to the downtown branch of the bank to do most of her business, even though her safe deposit box is at the location at the center of the city (close to most of the places we shop and such). It makes no sense since, not only do both of those (and other) branches of the bank have the same services, but the one in the center of the city if the branch that she worked in for thirty years before she retired - yet that's not where she wants to go. I can put up with her failing memory or her periodic inability to pay any attention, and I can accept her complete lack of understanding of technology of even the simplest sorts - all of these things can prove to be annoying at times as well, but I can accept them - but the bull-headed adherence to certain routines and ideas just because they are familiar is very frustrating, particularly when I can show her (and get her to agree) that some other ways are quicker or better. It doesn't matter how much more efficient or practical something is, she just won't change. That sort of thing can drive me crazy.
The day started off on a crappy note when the guy from the glass company, who I had contracted weeks ago to do some work, showed up with a replacement glass encasement that was too small, meaning that they would have to reorder the piece and make me wait a few weeks more. It seemed like my luck was still running strong (and bad). True, it could just be believed that the glass company was incompetent, and there's every reason to believe that, but the fact that it falls on the heels of so many other crappy things seems to make it part of my luckless nightmare. For the most part the rest of the day was without problems, but in all fairness I spent much of my time trying to do things that didn't involve any aspect of luck or action. So I watched two movies today, videos that Christiana had loaned me. I started with Bowling for Columbine, the docudrama about gun possession, aggressiveness and violence in America, and school shootings in America such as the tragedy at Columbine. The movie was even more amusing and poignant than I had hoped (and I am consistently impressed with Michael Moore's work, yet this was better than I had hoped it would be). I followed up with the movie Almost Famous, the supposed story of a 15-year-old journalist for Rolling Stone magazine who follows an up-and-coming band throughout a U.S. tour, learning more about rock musicians and their scene along the way than he may have cared to. I had known I would like this movie, but once again I was really amazed at how much better it was than even what I had expected. It was funny yet intelligent, and it definitely captured the 70's rock scene. Both of these movies were a great way to relax and avoid doing anything. Around watching those two movies and taking care of things around and out of the house for my grandma, I also read the first graphic novel collection of The Invisibles, a comic book Steve loaned me and highly recommended. It's interesting, and it's deep in it's philosophy, but I want to read the rest of the graphic novels in this series to get a more full idea of what it fully has to say. It's cool, but it doesn't move me, at least not this first collection from the series. So all in all I had a decent day. I could have (and should have) accomplished a lot more, but it was relaxing to just enjoy myself and delve into pure entertainment. I could probably do that sort of thing all the time, but then I'd never get things done. Posted at 11:24 PM
It would appear that I'm in one of those weeks where simply nothing can go right. The most positive thing to happen today was that I finished reading Gregory MacGuire's Lost (which was interesting, but not everything I had hoped it would be (but then again, I may be expecting too much considering it will be hard for him to ever top Wicked)). Other than that, everything has gone awry. In fact, the only reason I finished reading that book was because I didn't have it in me to do something else and see it burst into flames. Some things were little, like cutting myself with my electric razor (a real trick, yes indeed) or getting soap in my eyes during my shower, but other things were somewhat bigger, like having a difficult-to-replace reusable filter from the furnace/air conditioner break as I was trying to clean it or having the Alfredo sauce explode completely in the microwave as I was heating it for the fettuccine for dinner. Even simple phone calls and e.mails had problems, and to top it all off, my grandma has been, while feeling healthy and energetic, phenomenally forgetful, unable to remember things even immediately after I've explained them four times in five minutes. It has truly been a bad day indeed. Honestly, I don't know why I have days like this, and certainly I don't understand how I can have weeks like this where nothing can go right. There has certainly been enough crap in the past week to make it seem like it's a full-on run of bad luck, and I just can't stand it. Hell, all I want is for things to work the way they should. I don't ask for fabulous luck (and I certainly don't expect it). I just don't want to be plagued by misfortune. Is that really so much to ask for? Posted at 12:59 AM
After spending a few hours this afternoon sorting out my grandma's desk and some stacks of papers from piles on two tables (which was a task full of sorting, throwing away, reminiscences, and reorganization and filing), I had dinner again with my friend Valerie, this time with her husband Shawn and their two kids, Madison and Jackson. We met at Taco Bell, largely because they had the biggest kids play area in town (with crawling tubes and stuff), and we ate and talked for the first ten or fifteen minutes. Shawn left after that with Jackson, the baby boy, so that they could visit Shawn's grandmother in the hospital, not too far away. Val and I stayed to chat more and watched as Madison, the young girl, had a great time climbing and playing around. Val and I talked a lot and I had a great time. I'd actually had a good time talking to Shawn while her was first there as well, and I was sad to see him go after such a short time, but I figure we'll probably have other times to talk in the future. Among other things I talked to Val about my financial aid situation and what I'm trying to do to solve my dilemma, and it was good to have a sympathetic ear. Kristina was very supportive a couple days ago; Sarah has been helpful by e.mail recently; Val was sympathetic; and Christiana was very good about helping me work through ideas as well when I talked to her this evening. It's good to have solid friends like this, truly. It's making it much easier to face all of this financial aid stuff, even while it still freaks me out. It's been nice to have Val turn up in Sandusky. I had thought that I would surely be quite on my own outside of my grandma's company in this little town, and I'm glad to be proven wrong. Val has made both of these get-togethers a great get-away for me, and that has helped my peace of mind greatly. After I got back home, I called Christiana and talked for a half hour before 24's season finale and then after 24 for another two and a half hours before saying goodbye so that I could write this Journal entry. Christiana will be visiting the area in late June, so we made some plans to get together, and that should be fun. We talked about politics and school and my financial aid crisis and all sorts of things, and talking to her lifted my spirits quite a bit as well. Like I said earlier, having good, solid friends has really helped me out the last few days, and Christiana has been among the best. I'll be looking forward to her visit. Posted at 1:17 AM
There is hope for America. The new generations, those people who are my age or younger (generally younger, because most people my age are still pretty backwards about social progress), those people, the up and coming workers and leaders of this country, have regularly been making clear that they have a clear vision of the country they want, and that country doesn't involve bigotry, inequality, or hatred (among many other things). Consider the graduation at Suffolk University where Gubernatorial-bigot Mitt Romney was the keynote speaker. Approximately one quarter of the graduates chose not to attend and went to a diversity celebration, approximately one third of those attending stood and turned their backs on Romney as he spoke, members of the audience booed his speech and protested, and the valedictorian commented, after the ceremony, that Romney never should have been invited in the first place. Good job folks. I applaud your stance against bigotry. This is the kind of America I want to see.
Kristina stopped in town today with her friend Rachael. We had originally planned to visit in Bowling Green on Friday night as Kristina made her way to Detroit for the weekend, but I couldn't leave my grandma alone after her "procedure" and Kristina was tight on time, so we decided to catch each other today on her way back to Chardon. As it turns out I didn't even drive to meet her in Bowling Green as planned. She had gotten to BG earlier than planned, and she wanted to make her way toward home, so she decided to stop in Sandusky to see me, seeing as it is on the way. We had dinner at Chili's and talked for about two and a half hours. We've been e.mailing on and off for a year, but this is the first I've seen her in almost a year, so it was great to get together. We spent a lot of time catching up on the doings of our old group (many of whom don't seem interested in returning any of our calls or e.mails (you know who you are, Heather and Laura)). But we also caught up on what we've been up to and what our coming plans are. I even told Kristina about my financial aid woes. Sadly she didn't have any suggestions for how to resolve this either, but it felt good to be able to tell that she cared. At thi9s point I'll take what I can get. It was really good to see Kristina. I've been really, incredibly down for the last couple of days because of the financial aid news, and seeing her was a real lift. I'm looking forward to seeing her again this summer, probably on her turf next time. There was one other thing that raised my spirits today - the news that Emperor Bush is as good at riding a bike as he is at being president or having a moral compass. Read it for yourself and be amused.
Posted at 11:20 PM
I'm screwed. It's that simple. The past week has left me pretty depressed. Much of it has been the usual loneliness and depression, some has been frustration with my grandmother (whom has been incredibly distracted and forgetful due to her unwarranted fears about her first colonoscopy (which was Friday and went without a problem)), and some has been a strong malaise about the pointlessness of my life. Added in has been the pretty fucked up grades I had last semester, the worst semester I've ever had by far (except for the semester I had my breakdown). I can live with bad grades if I couldn't do the work, but I could do the work - I just didn't have the time around everything else last semester, and I got too far behind to ever catch up. Plus it's been raining practically every day. It's sort of refreshing, I guess, but it also has been somewhat gloomy and depressing. Last night, though, after having gone through the ins and outs of outpatient hospital procedures for my grandma's colonoscopy and then getting her home and comfortable, I had two letters in the mail from BGSU, my university. It would appear that, based on my "poor grades" last semester, I am being dropped for financial aid next year. Keep in mind, I still have a GPA higher than most people at 3.48 cumulative, but that apparently doesn't matter and I'll be held accountable for one screwed up semester. There's nothing I can figure out to fix this. With no financial aid, I no0t only don't have money to pay for tuition and fees for classes, but I don't have money to survive - no money for books, no money for insurance for the car or gasoline to get to and from Bowling Green, no money to eat when I'm there the whole day, no money to pay for my cell phone so my grandma can contact me if she needs me, and no money to cover the minimum amounts due on the credit cards that have been supplementing my inadequate financial aid for the past few years of college. That doesn't even consider money to cover an internet connection, the costs for my website, or anything else that might come up. If it came down to it, I could charge my bursar fees for this last year of classes to my credit cards, but I'd be maxed out by that and not even have enough credit left for books, let alone gas and other necessities. This brings me to the catch-22 that I've faced all along: if I for some reason I lose financial aid, I can't afford classes. To afford classes, I'd have to work, not just part-time but full-time for long enough to have the money to go. If I work full-time, I can't juggle school, my grandma, and work, so I'd have to work long enough to get enough cash to pay for school and expenses for this last year. If I don't go to school for six months or more (which would be the case if I had to work), I would have to start paying back my $40,000+ of student loans. And if I had to start paying my student loans (in addition to my credit card debts and cost of living), I'd have to keep working to be able to pay them completely before I'd be able to go back to school, thus meaning that I'd essentially never be able get back to college and finishing classes to get my degree. Even worse, without the finished degrees, I'm not even as marketable as I was when I last worked since so much time has passed since I was at Kinko's and since I wouldn't have anything to show for the time that I haven't been working (i.e., a college degree). That means that I'd be stuck at the bottom of the heap, forced to work at some worthless minimum wage job and trying to claw my way up like I did in the past, only this time I'm quite sure I wouldn't have the patience or the drive to pull it off. Honestly, I'll kill myself before I fall into that pitiful existence. As much as I don't like my life and wish I were dead, I'm not a suicidal person, but it would be a totally different situation I'd be dealing with. I don't think I'd hesitate. That brings us to yet another complicating matter - my grandmother. If I could somehow manage to not kill myself and become a slave laborer for the rest of my life, with no hope of anything better, I'd still have to work 40+ hours a week, and I couldn't be around enough to take care of my grandma, the house, and the yard. If she were younger I could probably do all of that stuff, but with her turning 90 this year, and with her memory failing more and more and her energy levels diminishing over time, I need to be around to keep an eye on her and help her even with simple things like fixing meals, washing dishes, and paying bills. If I'm away too much, particularly for five full days a week, there's no telling what might happen. So basically I'm fucked. I have no idea what to do. I'm going to appeal to the people at the financial aid office and explain my situation, hoping that they'll be understanding and helpful, but I can't say that I'm very optimistic about that. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. It all looks very bleak right now.
As if I haven't been feeling down enough lately, the proverbial rug was pulled out from under my feet today. Things look very bleak, and I don't know if I can turn things around. Tomorrow I'll try to write about this more in detail, but right now I'm just too freaked out to even write down words.
I almost didn't get out of bed this morning. It certainly didn't seem worth it. Now, twelve hours later, it still doesn't seem like it was worth it. What a waste. Posted at 10:57 PM
I hate days like this, where everything has to be such a huge struggle. Of course they're all like this, I guess. So I guess I hate every day. I suppose that's simpler. Posted at 12:39 AM
Wow. What a great column I just read in the San Francisco Chronicle. It's good advice for us all.
Posted at 1:58 AM
Today marked the 50th anniversary of the Supreme Court decision in Brown vs. Board of Education that struck down "separate but equal" segregation laws in American schools. This was a key element of the push for equal treatment for minorities, and the Civil Rights movement had one of its greatest victories on that day fifty years ago. As would be expected, both Emperor Bush and presidential hopeful John Kerry made speeches today to praise that decision to end segregation. Neither of them mentioned that recent studies have shown school again tending toward segregation as whites move to private schools and leave public schools largely (over 70% in much of the South) attended by black students. Both candidates turn a blind eye to such problems in the face of a photo opportunity as they praise Brown vs. Board of Education. I don't suppose I should be surprised. Emperor Bush is something of an enigma about race. He seems to support equal rights for racial minorities, having African-Americans in key government positions up to the highest ranks of the cabinet, but I have to wonder how much of those appointments are sincere and how much they might just be for show. Let's not forget that when Bush was in Texas he executed more people than had ever been executed before during his term in office, and over 80% of those people were black. Bush has also done incredibly little to help African-Americans with opportunities for college and he has tried to break down certain parts of Affirmative Action. He certainly looks like he's inclusive of other races, but I have great doubts that it is anything more than a way to get votes. John Kerry, while much more liberal and socially conscious, is almost as much of an enigma, not because of the contrariness of appearances to actions like Bush, but because he just makes no solid expression about the struggle for racial equality. Yes, he said in today's speech that we still have a lot to do to bring true equality, but what does he plan to do to assure the sort of efforts that will make all people truly equal? Now more than ever,the struggle for racial equality is making little ground. Not only are African-Americans still facing inequality, but Hispanics people and other minorities are struggling as well. In fact, Americans of Middle-Eastern descent have had terrible hardships in the last few years, and nothing has been done to ensure their equal treatment under the law and under social standards. Praising Brown vs. Board of Education is great, but that was fifty years ago. Rather than take a photo op and try to score points with minorities, why don't you tell me what you're going to do now to improve the struggle for equal rights? Here's the article I mentioned. I'll continue this rant afterward.
Meanwhile, as Bush and Kerry stump for votes while praising Brown vs. Board of Education, gay men and lesbians were legally getting married in Massachussettes, the first gay marriages specifically allowed under the law. Even as Bush was praising the decision of Brown vs. Board of Education to end segregation, he sternly called again for a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, thereby condoning segregation. The even larger difference here is that Bush is not merely suggesting segregation, where gays would have a "separate but equal" form of union to marriage, he is disallowing any sort of union at all (because, as you may or may not know, the latest version of the Musgrave proposal for the Constitutional amendment, the one Bush supports, would disallow any form of same-sex union, even denying any legal rights to individual laws that emulate the benefits of marriage). Bush is a complete bigot regarding this issue, and unlike his stance regarding racial equality, he doesn't even try to disguise his bigotry with token appointments of gays (he has appointed some, but he ends up quietly firing all of them shortly after the photo ops). Bush is clearly an enemy of gay people everywhere because he seeks to make us all second-class citizens who do not merit equal treatment under the law. There's really no other way to look at it. In fact, there's an interesting quote made today regarding Bush:
Unfortunately, Kerry isn't much better. While Kerry is not so clearly anti-gay and hateful, he still will not support gay marriage. Whether that's because he is, in his own way, bigoted and favors only a "separate but equal" approach with civil unions or whether he is just a coward who won't stand up for what he believes, hoping to court conservative votes by not appearing too liberal, is hard to determine. Either way, however, doesn't make him the friend of gay people. He's either a bigot or a coward who won't stand up for our rights - either way, we're left once again in the position of being second-class citizens. Granted, Kerry is still the lesser of two evils in this (and many other) issues, but it is hard to have any desire to support his presidency when he has clearly no interest in supporting us. Posted at 1:49 AM
So ... yeah, the depression's back - not as bad as it often is, but enough to make me tried and unhappy and empty-feeling. It's just no fun. I'm my own worst enemy when it gets like this - everything (and everyone) I see or hear about in some way manages to fuel my depression, and I just sink deeper and deeper. Most of the time I think I'd just be better off if I walled myself off in a cave when I start getting truly depressed, keeping myself from any contact with anyone at all, even from just seeing people. That doesn't really sound all too appealing either, but it certainly seems like the lesser of two evils. Posted at 1:01 AM
What an incredibly appropriate quote for our times:
Posted at 11:48 PM
As usual, former president Jimmy Carter speaks the words of wisdom, truth, and simplicity that everyone, the media particularly, should have long ago had the common sense to see for themselves. He's a better man than me, too, because I'm sure I could never be so reserved in castigating the Bush administration for their culpability in a wide range of human rights violations. Read the column Mr. Carter wrote for today's Washington Post and see what I mean.
Posted at 12:35 AM
You'd be amazed the sort of things my grandmother keeps stuffed into drawers, closets, and piles here and there. She is quite my opposite with anything involving organization, and she has receipts, old bank statements, paid bills, years of old insurance policies, and all sorts of other financial data - as well as photos, addresses scribbled on millions of scraps of paper, newspaper clippings of obituaries or recipes or something she thought was funny, old pens that she really liked but don't work any more, ... there's simply no way to catalog all of it - and all of these assorted goodies (along with saved rubber bands, plastic bags, twist-ties, scraps of cardboard, etc.) are mixed together in a million different places. It's a miracle she can find anything, and many times she can't. And if she can't find something, what luck will I have? I don't know when it became like this. My grandma claims that she's always been like this, and maybe she has as far as keeping things randomly in drawers and closets, but it's only in the past ten years that she's had piles of papers and "stuff" here and there in the living room, on the chairs and in small piles on the floor in the dining room, and spread over the entire surface of the dining room table. I take a stab at things every once in a while, just to straighten them out a bit, but since there's no real place to put things away, I can't really file anything. As a result of all of this, I started trying to get my grandma to use some file boxes and file folders not long after I moved here. It has been only moderately helpful, but I'm pushing her toward it and she's actually using the files more and seeing the benefits. Last week we bought boxes of file folders and hanging file folders to really get things organized. My thought is that if I can set up files for each type of bill, clearly labeled and alphabetized, she can at least put the old bills into those files after she pays them. She's sort of doing that now, since she started using the file boxes, but she's putting all of the statements from the month's bills in a file rather than separating them by company. Even so, we are making some progress. Today I started what I intend to be a weekly endeavor for my grandma and me - going through the drawers and closets and piles and filing things, finding a place for them properly, or throwing them away. We started, innocently enough, with the bottom drawer of her desk. That task took us about three hours and wore her out, but we threw away (or shredded) old bills and statements from the '80s as well as old insurance policies and other now-useless stuff. When all was said and done, we had eliminated nearly 4/5 of what was originally there, and my grandma had no arguments about letting those things go. Had she been left to do it herself, she probably wouldn't have even started, but she also would have taken a few weeks because she would have read each single piece of paper thoroughly, a few times probably, reminisced and remembered about it, and then wondered if there would ever be some remote chance that she might possibly need it for something ... and therefore decide not to throw it away because she's rather not have to make a decision. Fortunately, I have none of those limitations, and while we did gop through some reminiscing, I quickly found what each document was about and we gave my suggestions on whether it was useful or not. Doing this sort of thing each week may well get annoying, but it is absolutely necessary. Even my grandma likes the idea of getting it all organized, even though she dreads the thought of working through it all. Hopefully, though, we will spend a few hours each week and go through these things. By the end of the summer, I hope to have files that make sense to not only her but to me as well, and we'll probably have a lot of extra drawer and closet space as well. At least that's what I'm shooting for. Time will tell. Posted at 12:14 AM
There's a great column in the Washington Post today, talking about kids and sports. It's important to me for two reasons. First, while the kid in this story is sure his dad will be okay with his choice to stop playing a sport, I remember clearly how hard it was to get out of baseball and football (even at the early ages that I did) because of my father's expectations. Even when I later was goalie on a team that won the league title two years in a row, and even when I was on the Varsity tennis team, I was nothing to my father because I wasn't playing "real" sports that "real" men played (by his definitions); those sports would have been baseball, football, or basketball, none of which held enough interest for me (and for which I had no aptitude) to like. It took very little time for my father to resent me and me to resent not only my father but also those sports, and I have never gained any appreciation for those games. The other thing that I think is important to note in this article is how the kid in the story actually told the coach that all of the fun was being taken out of baseball for him. I think that this is a regular problem in America today because winning matters too much. To put so much pressure on kids for a game, something they are 99.9% sure to never make a career from, is ridiculous. It's a game for goodness sakes. It's supposed to just be fun - challenging, yes, and even something that you enjoy winning, but it should also be something where losing isn't a catastrophe. Too many coaches and too many parents put so much pressure on being the best, where winning is demanded at every instant, are the reason that kids lose something that was fun and get wrapped up in an impossible quest to never fail. Let kids be kids, I say, and let them play. But more importantly, let them lose and let them see that they can survive that and do so with dignity. That sort of lesson will help them more in life than teaching them that they must always win and never stop. Anyhow, here's the column.
Posted at 11:48 PM
Note to self - buy earplugs to simulate your grandmother's lack of hearing when she doesn't put in her hearing aids (which is more often than not). This will save you from going going deaf from the TV volume she has to use. Posted at 11:53 PM
A little over a week ago I got an e.mail from an old girlfriend of mine. She had decided to try to find me, and a search of the web revealed my website pretty easily. She was surprised to find that not only did she find me but that I live in the same city, not too far from each other. Valerie and I have a fairly long history, having dated for a year during high school (my junior year mostly) and then dating for a year again later, about five years after I had graduated high school and just after I had gotten out of jail and moved to Akron, Ohio. Val and I could talk about all sorts of things, had a deep knowledge of each other, and just tended to get along really well. There were many times I thought we'd eventually get married, but various things kept that from happening (among them my acceptance that I was (and am) gay). The last time I saw Val was at my class reunion in '95, nine years ago. She was married to Shawn, a guy who graduated in my same class but whom I only really knew by name. We had talked briefly then, and that was the last I heard of her until just recently. It took me a couple days to reply, being that I was pulling out my hair trying to finish my last class assignments, but once I responded, she sent regular e.mails, and we planned to meet and talk, tonight being the night we'd arranged. We met a little coffee shop and had no trouble striking up conversation. I had wondered how weird the whole experience might be, all things considered, but we got along great, and it wasn't at all uncomfortable. The coffee shop closed within an hour of our getting together, so we decided to head to Chili's and get a bite to eat and talk some more. Val's husband had stayed at home with their two little girls, and Val called him before going to Chili's to make sure he knew that I wasn't taking her somewhere to murder her (I'm not making this up). It was amusing in its way, and I'll give Shawn credit for being so good-natured about letting his wife go out alone to have dinner with an old boyfriend. Granted, it's not like anything was going to happen (because I don't get involved with people in committed relationships, let alone the fact that I'm gay), but he had no reason to know or be sure of any of that. Anyhow, we munched on some good food at Chili's and talked for nearly another three hours. We caught each other up on the various things going on with us and our families and family members, and we both we interested in how we'd each gotten to be where we are now (as well as where we're going). We found it so easy to talk that we didn't even talk about old friends or reminisce about the past - we had plenty to catch up on, having more than nine years of life events for each of us. It was a good time, even better than I would have guessed - not that I expected it to be unpleasant or anything. It was just fun, and it felt comfortable. It's great to know somebody who's in Sandusky other than my grandma, believe me, and to have that person be somebody I can talk to is great. We plan to try to get together about once a month or so to keep in touch. It sounds like a good plan to me, and I'm looking forward to seeing Val's two daughters next time and also getting to know Shawn. I have concerns that it may feel a little weird, but I had those concerns this time as well, and it's very obvious now that I had nothing to worry about in the first place. Posted at 2:57 AM
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday were crazy busy days, jam-packed with doctors' appointments for my grandma, errands to be run, tasks to be done, cleaning stuff - you name it. I was running pretty much non-stop from early in the morning 'til late at night getting stuff done. I even got most of what I wanted to get done accomplished. My plan had been to work hard and then play light - relaxing over the weekend and doing nothing but watch TV, play computer games, read a little bit, and be a lump. Unfortunately, it didn't work out quite that well. I still had a few things left over that I wanted to finish task-wise, some of which I did yesterday and some today, and I still had some stuff to do for my grandma (mostly driving her to and from a few places and fixing meals, but also setting up her new cordless phone, new coffee maker, and taking care of some plants), and that stuff was done a bit yesterday and a bit today. Around all of the task-type-stuff, though, I did get some chances to relax and enjoy. Yesterday I got to read some great newly-released chapters of some of the better online stories I follow, and I also started reading all of the strips in the online comic megatokyo, a manga-like story that Steve made me aware of when I saw him on Thursday. I've been reading from the very first strips, and I really like the whole comic. Even after reading a lot yesterday and today, though, I've only read about 300 of over 550 strips, so I've still a ways to go to get up to where I'm reading them as they come out, like I do with the other online comics I read. I also watched TV a bit yesterday and today, mostly doing other stuff while the TV droned on in the background, but paying closer attention to the Blues Brothers movie last night and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone tonight. They were both enjoyable. The big thing, though, was that I went back to playing Baldur's Gate II: Throne of Bhaal. I had played some of this fourth and final entry into the wonderful Baldur's Gate series early in the semester, but I put it away as things got busier. Partly I put it away because school was occupying my time, but also I stopped because I'd hit something of a wall, facing a dragon that just would not die, no matter how hard I tried. As I went back into the game this time, I went in full force, and I managed to kill that dragon and two even more dangerous and troublesome dragons afterward. Then I went past that and finished off the whole game. My main character was even offer3ed godhood but he turned it down, having seen that absolute power corrupts absolutely (I was quite pleased with myself). I was pretty pissed off last night because I managed to lose the whole Journal entry I'd written to post here, and it had been fairly long. I was about to retype all of it, in my fury, and then I just decided "Fuck it" and wrote the bitchy line I did as yesterday's entry. Oh well. I don't often have problems where I somehow lose what I've written for this Journal, but it happens. I'll live. And most of what I had wanted to say is in this entry, even if it's condensed quite a bit from my exposition that I would have posted yesterday if it hadn't disappeared. So it's no big deal. Tomorrow maybe I'll finish looking through megatokyo. I have other plans as well, but that will have to wait until tomorrow night's Journal entry.
Fuckin' piece of shit motherfucker! Posted at 2:37 AM
Today was another crazy day, partly filled with more cleaning and organizing and scheduling of various maintenance people, but the larger part of the day was all about shopping: groceries, household supplies, hardware, and other things. Part of that involved getting folders and various office supplies for organizing all of my grandma's bills and records (which is a life's worth of organizing work, but something that has to be done), and part of our trip was just shopping for a new phone and answering machine combo for my grandma. Simple, right? No ... nothing is simple when my grandma and technology are put together. My grandma uses technology alright after she's been taught how (although it may sometimes take a while), but she has no concept of how things interact (such as when she was convinced that you had changing your cable service meant you had to buy a new TV). Simply explaining that the two phones she has right now are in no way interdependent was a task all of its own (she was sure she had to get rid of or replace both if she was going to get rid of one, and I had to go over that situation repeatedly). Explaining the feature differences of one phone to another to her in the store, and then trying to get her to decide on a single choice, even though I helped wheedle it down to two choices and even made my final suggestions ... well, it still took us about 45 minutes to make a final choice. That's fine. I want to take as much time as necessary to make sure she is happy, but I also realize that that was just the beginning of a series of explanations I'll have to provide about how the phone works or how it needs a battery in the cordless headset even though the base is connected to the wall outlet. I'll have to explain the same things quite a few times until she gets it, and it will get tedious after a while, but any technology is completely alien to her, so it's always a challenge to make a change. The phone is bought, though, and that's the larger part of the battle.
Today was quite a day, full of accomplishments and full of visiting. I got up at the horribly early hour of 6 AM to get myself cleaned up and together and then made my way to Toledo. The drive up Ohio Route 2 was pretty with all of the fresh Spring greenery and the lake behind it all. If I hadn't still been a little tired it would have been great. Part of my trip to Toledo was just checking out what's new as I drove around, and that started on the way into the city as I checked out work on the new I-280 bridge, the largest, most expensive project ever for the Ohio Board of Transportation. It's pretty fucking huge, and while work has slowed on some aspects since one of the pouring cranes collapsed, other parts of the bridge and highway are still rapidly progressing. I also checked out the new Glass Museum that will be a new building across from the Toledo Museum of Art that houses all of the works in glass. Right now it's just a big pit as construction gets underway, but the design for the Glass Museum looks pretty cool, being a clear glass building from all sides. There were also a bunch of new businesses all around Toledo and a bunch of redeveloped and reclaimed buildings and spaces, all of it making Toledo seem much more productive and financially healthy than Sandusky. My first stop in Toledo was to get my electric razor fixed. I have a really great Braun shaver that has been very reliable, but the head assembly became loose and disjoint recently and it's been nearly impossible to shave (and probably a miracle that the razor still worked at all). I really dislike facial hair, and shaving every day is a must for me, so this was a priority. Toledo has a great little store called the Appliance and Shaver Shop, and they repair all sorts of stuff, particularly razors. I went in, they put in an entirely new assembly, and because I've only had my Braun shaver for just under two years, it was free under warranty. What a deal! From the Shaver Shop I went to the Yark mega-auto dealership. I've been going here for years, and I've been holding onto a recall notice since late February for my car (a 1998 Oldsmobile Cutlass GLS), and I wanted to get this taken care of now that I have a little time. The dealership was, as always, very courteous and very fast, getting me out in about an hour, even after having found something else to repair. I spent a little time before I left to check out the Chrysler Crossfire, a new car that has really caught my eye. It's 80% built by Mercedes, and it's a sweet little car. Too bad I don't have an extra $30,000+ lying around. I had talked to Steve earlier, while I was in the waiting room, but his line was busy each time I called back, so I went to Christiana's Mom's house to pick up an old, non-functioning PC she was giving to Steve to tinker with. Unfortunately, Christiana's step-dad wasn't home and he hadn't left the computer on the back porch as planned, so I ended up returning later, with Steve, and having a conversation with Christiana's mom and step-dad while making the pickup. Between these two visits, I drove across town to pick Steve up at his place and then drive both of us to lunch at Olive Garden. We had a great meal (I was famished by then), and Steve paid! Again, another bargain! After lunch and gathering up the computer, we headed to Mark's. I haven't seen Mark in a few years, and he's been married, had two kids, and moved to a different house and still a different house after that before I now have caught up with him. His wife already had two kids of her own, so the house is quite full with a 14-year-old girl, her boyfriend, a 10-year-old boy, a 4-year-old girl, and a 1+ year old girl (and a dog, as well as Mark and his wife). It is a big house with a sea of toys, but I'm happy for Mark. It's almost like a dream for me to see such a family. I ran Mark and Steve around to finish a couple of errands, and we stayed at Mark's and chatted for a while. By about 8 PM, though, I figured we should move along. Steve and I headed to Thackeray's, a fantastic local bookstore in Toledo. We looked around a bit, but I was specifically looking for (and found) a book on PHP programming language so that I can learn it and then use it to make some significant upgrades to the website before the end of the summer. There's still a lot to do with that, but at least I now have the tools I need to do the job. From there I took Steve home. We talked for a while more on his front steps, but by 10 PM I decided I should start heading back to Sandusky. I said my goodbyes, headed out, and made stops for gas, an evening snack, and some Sprite. As I drove back, I talked to Christiana on my cell phone for a brief while, but her cordless phone ran out of power pretty quickly, and we didn't get much of a chance to say anything. I'll catch her in the next couple of days, I'm sure. By the time I got back it was just after Midnight. My grandma was just making her way to bead and I said my goodnights and got everything cleaned up and put away before settling down to check my e.mail and surf a bit before collapsing. It's late, but it's been a good, full day. I had a good time. It was certainly a nice change of pace. Posted at 12:57 AM
Today has been my domestic day - washing laundry, cleaning windows, polishing woodwork, cleaning glass tabletops, sweeping ... you get the picture. I had to run my grandmother to a couple of appointments as well, so that made juggling things a bit disjoint, but it's all done. Lots and lots of stuff done. It's a good thing. And hey, I even got caught up with my e.mails finally. Who'd have guessed? So anyhow ... Clean = Good = Moderate Levels of Happiness for me. It's not that the dust and stuff bothers me while it's there; I just feel better about my surroundings when everything's sparkling and bright. I'm not a clean freak, as some people think; I'm a neat freak - everything has to be organized and in its place (for the most part). That leads people to see my place and see no laundry on the floor or glasses on the tables or whatever. They don't seem to notice the solid layers of dust or the soap scum and hairs in the shower. But pretty much I keep a neat house, so I clean more for me than for anybody else's interests (as a side note, I'm never really bothered by other people's houses or apartments that are cluttered or in disarray. It doesn't seem to bother me unless it's my stuff). Wasn't that fascinating? I'm sure that's what you came here to read. Lucky you. I promise tomorrow's entry will be more interesting. I'm heading to Toledo for the whole day, and I have some practical things to do, but I also intend to see Steve and just shop a bit. It should be relaxing for the most part. and you'll be among the first to know, I assure you ... Posted at 12:00 AM
I was particularly incensed to find out today that my grandma's optician actually schedules you with the expectation that you'll sit for a half hour or more before being seen. Her appointment was at 12:30 PM, and I was concerned because I had to wait for her appointment to be over, take her home, and still drive to Bowling Green and cross campus to turn in a paper by no later than 3:30. It was going to be tight timing under the best of circumstances, and I clearly remembered that the last time we had been to the eye doctor she uses that we had sat for over 45 minutes after our appointment time before they called my grandmother from the waiting room. I hoped that that had just been a fluke, but I was concerned. So we asked when we went in, if the doctor could see her right away. We were a few minutes early, but we just wanted to get in at our scheduled time. No such luck. We were courteously informed that neither of the doctors were available because they were both at lunch and would be for probably a half hour or more. Furthermore, she told us that we should expect to be at least an hour and a half after our appointment time before we were done. I was outraged. We had clearly been told, unapologetically, that were scheduled at a time the doctors weren't even in the office, intentionally scheduling us to sit for a half hour or more in the waiting room before we were seen. My grandmother has seen this optician for a while, and he is pretty much the only optician left in Sandusky, certainly the largest, and there are only one or two other practicing eye doctors in town. My opticians in Toledo always get me in right on time, and I'm generally done within a half hour to forty-five minutes and out the door. My grandmother simply couldn't understand why I was so upset, so I put the situation in terms she could understand. I asked her if she would be upset if she had made dinner reservations at a restaurant and she was made to wait for a half hour or more before being seated, even though tables were clearly available in the restaurant. She admitted that she would but tried to make excuses for why it would be different for her doctor. I explained that I had never had to wait even five minutes for my eye exams, never in the thirty years I've been to an eye doctor, and she had no response. She was more than content to live with such rude treatment, and she is the person seeing the doctor, not me, but I am infuriated that such bad customer service is practiced so brazenly by anyone. If you're in Sandusky, go anywhere you can other than Dr. Parschauer's Eye Clinic if you need to have your eyes checked. Who knows when you'd get in otherwise.
I've been rewriting Blood and Guts to submit as my final writing project for my Fiction Workshop, and it's definitely better than it was, but I'm just not really into it. There are other things I want to write, fun writing stuff, but I'm committed to Blood and Guts (renamed "The Damned"), and there's plenty of other stuff that I should be finishing up for school as well. So I'm not even enjoying what should be the most enjoyable part of my final projects. I think I'm burning out a bit, and I need to get away from school stuff for a while. Soon, I keep telling myself. It'll all be over soon. Soon just doesn't seem fast enough. Posted at 10:31 PM
If you've been reading this Journal for a while, you know very well that I am very concerned about children who suffer abuse and abandonment. What you may not know is that I have always wanted to take a more active role at helping. If I had the money (which only seems possible if I magically win the lottery), I would buy a campground and transform it into a shelter/home for abandoned and abused kids, particularly gay kids since they often suffer the most because the "child protection" systems don't understand or care about their very specific problems. As much as I'd like to be involved, though, anything short of winning the lottery pretty much leaves me high and dry. My being gay and being a felon makes it pretty much impossible for me because I am screened out of anything where I could be a volunteer. I suppose I agree with the underlying reasoning behind the felony part, considering some drug dealer or murderer could potentially be allowed access to troubled kids, but my crimes were nothing like that, and I am really no threat. Of course my opinion doesn't carry far in these situations. All of this was sparked by a column I read today in the San Francisco Chronicle. I'm not really shocked by the statistics offered in this article, but I'm very saddened. The foster-care and adoption systems, and child protective services in general, are deplorable and need to be completely overhauled. Keep these thoughts in mind when you vote, when you write to your congressional representatives, and when you decide to charitably support a shelter or other facility or service.
Posted at 12:16 AM
If "April showers bring May flowers," then what do May showers bring? Most people I've talked to seem quite ill-content with the weather lately. They can't believe it's in the 40's (Fahrenheit) one day and in the low 70's the next. They think Mother Nature has gone crazy. In fact, when it snowed in Cleveland and hailed her in north-central Ohio on Thursday, most people were quiet certain that Mother Nature needed to be committed to an institution. For many of the people I've talked to this is abnormal, but the truth is that this is the way Spring is supposed to work - it's not as cold as winter, plenty rainy, and everything turns green and comes back to life. It is also a clear fact, as I've experienced, that it will snow at least once in April as a dying breath from winter. Most people seem to think that April means winter is over and temperatures will rise to the 70's and above, bringing clear blue skies and abundant growth. Truly, that was often the case over the last ten years. It was a part of the El Niño effect that we pretty much didn't have Spring - we just went straight from Winter to Summer, and the plants just had to grow as fast as they could to keep up. Now, with El Niño on the wane, Spring is back (both last year and this year), and people don't know how to react. Personally, I like seeing each of the four seasons. I loved California when I was there, but I think I'd really be disappointed if I lived there and never saw a real Spring, Fall, or Winter. Sure, the seasons change there, too, but moving from dry, Wildfire season to wet, Mudslide season isn't quite the same as the beautiful changes of the four full seasons. Don't get me wrong - California has what is pretty much my ideal weather, for temperature, condensation, and breeze - but I couldn't appreciate that weather as much of I couldn't see the good and bad effects of the other seasons as well. Constant summer would just be boring. So anyhow, Spring is here, and it will still be here for a few more weeks. Summer will be here soon, and with it will come much higher temperatures and raging humidity. Right now, I like seeing Spring in action, even if it is rainy and slightly chilly. It's still really pretty, and it's a nice change from Winter. The April showers are continuing strong, though, so who knows what they'll bring up. I'll just have to wait and see. Posted at 12:40 AM
|
May
24, 2004
