Journal Archives from theDreamworld ... December 2006

December 2006

December 31, 2006

With only so many minutes left in the year, I feel inclined to reflect on the year and ... it sucked. Believe me when I say that I've had far worse years -far, far, far worse - but this past year, 2006, was so unproductive, so simply awash in failure, and so full of constant and draining depression, so filled with confrontation and complaints from my grandmother (who rarely ever previously complained and who always avoided confrontations at all costs). It has been a year with essentially no redeeming aspects, a year that could simply have been bypassed entirely and I not only would have missed nothing of importance but I would have been spared a great deal of pain, emptiness, and disappointment.

So as the year draws to an end I say, "GOOD RIDDANCE, FUCKER!" I'm more than ready for a change.

Show me what ya got, 2007.

Posted at 11:27 PM

December 30, 2006

I should have just slept all day. I wouldn't have missed anything, and maybe I'd feel better than the crappy way I feel now. Too late for that, though ...

Posted at 11:23 PM

December 29, 2006

Even though this hasn't been confirmed, it's kickass news. Not only is a movie in development about Freddie Mercury, possibly the most positive influence in my life, but his role might be played by Johnny Depp, an actor who's not only supremely hot but amazingly talented as a skilled actor and also as a musician. This would be too awesome!

Depp Tipped for Freddie Mercury Film Role

He is a keen guitar player whose admiration for the Rolling Stones stretched to modeling his character, the pirate Jack Sparrow, on the mannerisms of Keith Richards.

Now the Pirates of the Caribbean star, Johnny Depp, is being lined up to play a rock star for real in a biopic of the late Queen frontman, Freddie Mercury.

Robert de Niro's company, Tribeca Productions, is said to be behind the project, which Brian May, the Queen guitarist, confirmed was in development. "Discussions are at an early stage," he said on his website.

May described Depp as "fantastic". "He would be a worthy counterpart for Freddie on screen. I don't think I can say any more right now," he added.

De Niro has known Brian May and Queen's drummer, Roger Taylor, since they met at the Venice Film Festival in 1996 and ploughed his own money into their hit stage musical, We Will Rock You. The musical was originally going to be about the band but the surviving members decided that would be too embarrassing for all involved.

"It would be too painful, too close, and a bit grand. It would be for somebody else to do, you can't supervise your own history," May said at the time.

Instead, Ben Elton, the comedy writer and novelist, devised a story that incorporated the band's back catalogue of songs. When the show opened in London in 2002 after six years in development, De Niro attended the first night. "It's an adventure. I've been involved in this for a long time. It went through a lot of stages and finally got to this stage - it's going to be terrific," he said.

The £7.5m production, which is still running, is set in a future where musical instruments have been banned but a group of rebels go in search of mythical electric guitars.

But the proposed biopic would tell the life story of Mercury, who was born in Zanzibar in 1946 and died from complications of Aids in 1991, the day after confirming he had the disease.

His real name was Farrokh Bulsara but he adopted the name he was best known by at school in India, where he grew up. His family settled in England when he was in his teens. He performed with several bands before co-founding Queen in 1971.

They signed to EMI a year later. His distinctive voice, which ranged across four octaves, was a key factor in their success on songs such as Bohemian Rhapsody. It lasted nearly six minutes and stayed at number one in the UK charts for nine weeks.

It has since been voted Britain's best single of all time by music fans in a Guinness Book of British Hit Singles poll, defeating John Lennon's Imagine and Hey Jude by the Beatles.

Although Mercury had a close friend, Mary Austin, with whom he lived for several years and who inherited his estate, he was fairly open about his homosexuality. He lived with Jim Hutton for the last six years of his life.

Posted at 11:48 PM

December 28, 2006

I don't know what it is lately, but every time I've gone to visit the guys in Perrysburg I end up leaving dead tired and practically (and sometimes literally) falling asleep at the wheel as I make the little more than an hour drive back to Sandusky. This wasn't previously a problem, and it's only, seemingly, since just after my grandma left, a week into December, that I've been having this difficulty. One week, a few weeks back, I kept falling asleep and catching myself just as I was drifting onto the shoulder of the road, and I'd think, "Well that was shocking; that should wake me up," and then I'd find myself in the same situation minutes later. That was a rough trip back to Sandusky, let me tell you.

Since that day I've been paranoid about being so tired I might fall asleep at the wheel and get into an accident. I'm not afraid to die - in fact most of the time I'd look forward to an end to my daily misery (although to be honest, I must not be at all depressed right now, because I don't quite feel that way, which is rare). The thing is that in my life things don't work out that way. The fact that I could accept dying means that that will never be a possibility. Fate would choose some other option, something that would be much more devastating.

The worst possibility would be crashing the car and winding up a paraplegic or a quadriplegic and then being forced to live with my parents for the rest of my life while they cared for me. That, my friends, would be worse than any number of eternities in hell.

Less permanently devastating. but still pretty horrible would be coming out with barely a scratch but having my car totaled and getting nothing or next-to-nothing from the insurance company. That would leave me with no car and no way to afford a replacement, even a piece of shit, old, second hand junker that could be bought cheap. I just don't have the actual cash in any way shape or form, and even my credit is getting pretty limited. And heck, even if I could buy a car on credit, I don't know how I could pay any more than I do now in monthly minimum payments to my credit cards. So I'd honestly just be screwed.

So my point is that I'm not comfortable with this falling asleep or even being extremely tired at the wheel business. MY life is too complicated right now without any further fuckedness. So for now I leave earlier from the get-togethers than I ever have before, and so far it's been okay. I was (and am) very tired and yawning tonight, and I was clearly pushing the limits on how late I can leave and still remain safely awake on the drive, but it's done now, and I'm okay. Now I'm just exhausted and ready to fall asleep. At least now I can do so safely.

Posted at 1:32 AM

December 27, 2006

I feel very blah today - tired, weakish, and uninspired. I don't think I'm getting a cold, but I do think that my manic weeks of productiveness may be over, and I'm swinging back into my depression. On the plus side, I don't feel depressed per se, just exhausted, but I'm missing that energy and drive from the past two weeks have imparted, even if the pace of it was pushing me probably too hard. Yesterday and today I've gotten very little practical things done and have just mostly tried to entertain myself and maybe relax. I've done well with the entertainment part, but I don't feel relaxed, really, just tired. I still have a lot of things I want to get done on a lot of projects for my grandma and for me, so I hope I can push myself back into that - manic or not - but right now I just feel way too tired to do any of that kind of stuff. And that just sucks ...

Posted at 12:08 AM

December 26, 2006

Since it's Boxing Day today is everyone expected to go see Rocky Balboa at the movies? Yo!

Posted at 12:08 AM

December 25, 2006

It may be Christmas, but the day has been rather solemn for me, having found out quite early that James Brown died in the early hours of the day at only 73 (See CNN, ABC, the Washington Post, and the Toledo Blade articles). Initially nobody could make sense of it because he had entered the hospital last evening for pneumonia but was not in serious condition and was seen as responding well. It was determined later in the day, however, that the Godfather of Soul had suffered a heart attack due to his weakened state, and he died of that (and I would surely like to know how someone "just dies" of a heart attack when already in hospital care in this day and age. It seems ludicrous).

I've never spent much energy on singing the praises of James Brown to anyone I know, and honestly I've surely listed to the L.A. Style techno song "James Brown is Dead" more than all of James Brown's combined recordings during my life. But despite that I've always loved James Brown's music and been amazed by his energy and his impact upon all music in all genres. It seem ks unreal that a man of his vitality and his larger-than-life status could die, and 73 is hardly old enough to seem like he got his full benefit of all of the years he should have been able to expect. I suppose the truth, however, is that James Brown lived a big life, full of big actions and big events, and he lived life to the fullest in all he did. He probably lived more of a life in 73 years than the oldest people in the world, and I'm glad to think that his life was so full, but I still can't help wishing he was still around and this was all just a mistake.

I listened to some James Brown this morning from my Star Time James Brown boxed set, and I realized that it's a shame I don't listen to his music more often because I really do enjoy it. I came to a similar realization about Aretha Franklin a number of years ago, and I ended up adding quite a lot more Aretha albums to my collection. The only thing is that she didn't have to die to inspire me to listen to her music more often.

Rest well, James Brown, Godfather of Soul, you will be sorely missed. There may well never be anyone with your magnitude of influence in the wide world of music ever again, but we'll always have your works and your memory, and there is no doubt that for quite some time that will provide more than inspiration enough.

James Brown, the 'Godfather of Soul,' Dies at 73

ATLANTA, Georgia (CNN) -- James Brown, the legendary R&B belter, a singer and songwriter who created a foundation for funk and provided the roots of rap, a man of many nicknames but a talent that can only be described as one of a kind, is dead.

Brown died early Monday at Atlanta's Emory Crawford Long Hospital of congestive heart failure, his agent said. He was 73.

"The most difficult thing is for me to stand here without him. We were a team," Charles Bobbit, Brown's personal manager, told reporters Monday.

Pausing to fight back tears, Bobbit said he was at Brown's bedside when he died.

Brown told him, "I'm going away tonight."

Then he took three long, quiet breaths, and closed his eyes, Bobbit said.

Brown was in Atlanta for a dental appointment when he fell ill and was admitted to the hospital over the weekend for pneumonia.

"It appears what happened is that he did die of a heart attack as a result of his pneumonia," the singer's agent Frank Copsidas told CNN Radio.

Brown -- known variously as "the Godfather of Soul," "The Hardest Working Man in Show Business," "Soul Brother Number One" and "Mr. Dynamite" (and often introduced as all of the above) -- was known for his elastic dance moves, razor-sharp musicianship and all-stops-out performances. (Watch the incomparable Brown perform )

He was, literally, an impossible act to follow: The Rolling Stones were said to have been terrified to come on after Brown in "The T.A.M.I. Show," a 1964 concert that appeared on film the next year. ("Nobody could follow me," Brown told "T.A.M.I. Show" director Steve Binder, according to a Los Angeles Times article.) Brown's performance in that show even earned an ovation from the backing band.

"You have the Rolling Stones on the same stage, all of the important rock acts of the day, doing their best -- and James Brown comes out and destroys them," producer Rick Rubin wrote in Rolling Stone. (i-Report: Your thoughts on James Brown)

His influence was broad and deep. He was a soul innovator, bringing a churchy rawness to R&B with his early hits "Please, Please, Please" and "Think." He essentially created funk with mid-'60s songs such as "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag," "I Got You (I Feel Good)" and "Cold Sweat." His grooves were sampled by rappers and hip-hop artists. (Gallery: James Brown through the years)

He was tough on his own backing band, the Famous Flames -- which included saxophonist Maceo Parker, guitarist Jimmy Nolen and drummer Clyde Stubblefield -- famously fining them if they missed a cue. They even walked out on him in 1969; Brown simply recruited a new band, which included bassist Bootsy Collins. (Many of the Flames later returned; they were renamed the J.B.'s.)

He provided the ground that much of black music -- much of pop music -- stands on. (Story: James Brown's greatest hits)

"James presented obviously the best grooves," rapper Chuck D of Public Enemy once told The Associated Press. "To this day, there has been no one near as funky. No one's coming even close." (Watch "The Hardest Working Man in Show Business" do his thing )

Despite much-publicized personal problems that included a rap sheet and drug troubles, he also was a community leader. In the 1960s, he was a voice for calm during a period of urban riots; J. Anthony Lukas' book on Boston race relations, "Common Ground," notes that a 1968 Brown performance the day after the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.'s assassination helped keep the Massachusetts city from exploding.

Later, dismayed by the school shootings of the late '90s, he spoke out against violence in schools, even writing a song, "Killing's Out and School's In."

"We need to protect the kids by giving them something to do," Brown told CNN in 2001. "[It's about] making them interested, making them love mom and dad more, love the family more, love themselves more and love their school. So there won't have to be killing in school."

'Superhuman determination'

James Brown was born on May 3, 1933, in Barnwell, South Carolina. His early years were rough. Abandoned by his immediate family, he was taken in by friends and relatives and grew up in an "ill-repute area" of Augusta, Georgia, he once said. He shined shoes and danced for change, and he also served time in a reform school for breaking into cars, rescued by the family of friend Bobby Byrd.

Byrd invited Brown to join his group, the Gospel Starlighters, which later changed its name to the Flames and then the Famous Flames. The group was signed to King Records and released its song "Please, Please, Please" in early 1956. The song hit the R&B Top 10 and the group worked it hard, touring the "chitlin circuit" -- as the series of African-American clubs and theaters was called -- incessantly.

"What made Brown succeed where hundreds of others failed was his superhuman determination, working the chitlin circuit to death, sharpening his band, and keeping an eye on new trends," Richie Unterberger wrote on Allmusic.com.

A second hit, "Try Me," gave the group staying power, and from there it was hit after hit: "Think," "This Old Heart," "Bewildered," "Lost Someone," "Night Train," "Prisoner of Love." Brown eventually scored more than 50 Top 10 hits on the R&B charts. Seventeen hit No. 1.

Despite the occasional pop hit, crossover stardom eluded him until 1963, when "Live at the Apollo" -- still considered one of the great live albums of all time -- hit No. 2 on Billboard's album chart. In 1965, Brown hit the pop Top 10 with the groundbreaking "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag," a song that incorporated the intricate start-and-stop rhythms that would come to define funk, and his mainstream stardom was sealed.

Brown's music was bold: 1968's "Say It Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud)" was a defiant statement of black pride; 1970's "Get Up (I Feel Like Being Like A) Sex Machine" was blatantly sexual; 1971's "Hot Pants" leering. His sound was unlike anything on the charts and was copied by many artists, including Sly and the Family Stone and Parliament -- who, in turn, gave it their own spin.

Influence on disco, hip-hop, rap

Brown went into eclipse in the mid-'70s. His 1974 song "The Payback" was his last Top 40 hit for 11 years, and even his appearances on the R&B/black music charts were irregular. He returned to the Top 10 with "Living in America," the theme from "Rocky IV," in 1985, but it was his last hurrah on the pop chart.

Brown also was plagued by personal problems. In the late '80s he was in the news for being accused of assault and battery by his then-wife. In 1988, high on PCP, he led police on a chase through two states before officers shot out the tires of his truck. He received a six-year prison sentence, serving 15 months in prison and 10 months in a work release program before being paroled in 1991, according to the AP.

But his musical influence was undeniable. He was part of the first group of artists inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1986. He won Grammys for "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" and "Living in America." He received a Kennedy Center honor in 2003.

He knew what he'd accomplished.

"Disco is James Brown, hip-hop is James Brown, rap is James Brown; you know what I'm saying? You hear all the rappers, 90 percent of their music is me," he told the AP in 2003.

Brown's traditional performance close -- wailing, falling to his knees, being covered with a cape, led almost off stage, still singing quietly, only to rise again, returned to the center, bringing the screaming crowd to its feet -- is indelible. It suggested nothing short of a life force, one that lives on in his many followers.

Which was what James Brown hoped for.

"I would like to pass on the want to do something," he told CNN in 2000. "The need is there. Good lyrics are good things, but I would like to pass on that drive, that vigorous undying determination."

Posted at 11:40 PM

December 24, 2006

Is the word combination "Christmas Eve Day" an oxymoron? Or is it just moronic? As I write this Journal entry, it is December 24th just before Midnight, what can properly be called Christmas Eve (even if you don't celebrate or support Christmas, you can still see that this is the designated Eve before the designated Day). This morning and throughout the day I have heard one person on TV after another call this Christmas Eve Day, a stupid practice that has come into common parlance in recent years. The problem here is that it is either an Eve or a Day - you can't have both at the same time since they represent different times and positions of the sun and moon. Not too long ago people made the proper distinction, and they refereed to either "the Day Before Christmas" or "Christmas Eve" as the time of day demanded, but then this perversion crept up. Why people say this is beyond me. "Day Before Christmas" and "Christmas Eve Day" are the same number of words, the same number of syllables, so it's not like it's quicker to say it the new, bastardized way. It doesn't make any more sense or better describe things either.

Sure, my concern here may seem overblown to some, but this, to me, is yet another example of the dumbing-down of America and the lowered literacy and lowered ability to even speak or spell the English language that should be expected of everyone in the country, a competent use of the language at an adult level. BUt then again the masses elected George W. Bush - TWICE!! - so I should know better by now, right? Ah, my fellow Americans, the state of our country is sadly disappointing ...

Posted at 12:00 AM

December 23, 2006

I'm so very tired today ... very, very tired ...

Posted at 9:38 PM

December 22, 2006

I need some excitement in my life, or at least something interesting. Getting things done that have have needed to be done for months or which I've wanted to get done for years or even decades - that's all well and fine - it's great even, when the stuff does actually get completed - but it's not the sort of thing that makes for interesting times, and as you are probably dreadfully aware, it doesn't make for very interesting stuff to read on somebody's blog.

Part of me cringes at the idea of asking for my life to become "interesting" because that's just like opening the floodgates for all hell to break loose, but I am rather tired of my life as it stands - right now, for the past few years, and even for the past twelve years. The last time I was really happy was in Lafayette, and I'm worlds away from all that made life decent then.

Of course I suppose life slows down and gets more boring and predictable as you get older, too, sadly, and maybe I'm just hopelessly doomed - DOOMED!! But maybe not. It's hard to say ...

Posted at 12:07 AM

December 21, 2006

Progress goes slowly on all fronts ... very slowly. But - at least I'm making progress and not just being stagnant as I have been most of the year. I'm getting stuff done, including all bill paying and insurance wrangling and other paperwork today, and even a lot of refilling and refinancing of credit card debts to phenomenally low interest rates.

Fairly early on today I made the decision to push myself a little less hard than I have been for the last week or so. I didn't get as much done today because of that, but I was more relaxed, and that's probably the best way to proceed because I'm getting burned out on the "all work and no play" routine. Still, I plan to keep diligently at things for the rest of the week and through the weekend. Come Christmas Day I'm taking a vacation, seeing as it's a national holiday, and I'm sleeping in late if it kills me. I also plan to be a huge couch potato and maybe play some computer games. If I do anything more complicated than that then someone please come and shoot me and put me out of my misery immediately.

Posted at 10:20 PM

December 20, 2006

Personally, I don't think it's anybody else's business what people do in the privacy of their own bedrooms (or wherever they find the chance for sex), but I think that this article and the related study are a perfect example of why evangelical Christians, Republicans, and their ilk should stop pointing fingers at gay people and start focusing on their own problems.

If someone is to be condemned for Biblical sin, gay people are condemned far less in the Bible than adulterers and fornicators. As I said earlier, I don't care one way or another. and as I see it the whole basis for Christianity is not perfect avoidance of sin but repentance for the sins humans inevitably make. With that said, however, I can't help but feel that anybody who calls gay people sinners and such things ... well, they really are throwing stones in their glass cathedrals. If these people were really worried about sine; if they really "loved gay people and just want to help/save them"; and if they "really are doing what the Lord demands", then they'd be crucifying themselves and leaving LGBT people alone.

I refuse to allow gay people to continue being the scapegoats for the problems of straights. I have nothing against straight people, and I love many of them dearly, but the fact is that gay people aren't endangering marriage - straight people and their divorces are. Gay people aren't destroying the family - straight people and their hectic paces and lack of time with their kids are. Gay people aren't child molesters - straight people are, by statistics in study after study, case after case, in vastly greater percentages and numbers than gay people. And gay people don't have an "agenda" to take over the United States and force everyone to do their bidding - straight people do, and they try everyday to tell us who we can love, how we can love them, and how they will penalize us and hurt us if we don't follow their dictates. It's not all straight people, and I surely know that there are very supportive straight people all over the place out there - but the people that condemn us, the people that attack us, the people that attempt to incarcerate and maim and kill us - they are invariably straight, focusing their bigotry and hatred at us for the way we were born. To those people I say "Leave us the hell alone." After all, there's plenty of problems in the "straight community" so if you must moralize and condemn and kill people, why not look to yourselves?

Reality Check: 95 Percent of Americans had Premarital Sex

NEW YORK (AP) -- More than nine out of 10 Americans, men and women alike, have had premarital sex, according to a new study. The high rates extend even to women born in the 1940s, challenging perceptions that people were more chaste in the past.

"This is reality-check research," said the study's author, Lawrence Finer. "Premarital sex is normal behavior for the vast majority of Americans, and has been for decades."

Finer is a research director at the Guttmacher Institute, a private New York-based think tank that studies sexual and reproductive issues and which disagrees with government-funded programs that rely primarily on abstinence-only teachings. The study, released Tuesday, appears in the new issue of Public Health Reports. (Sex by the numbers)

The study, examining how sexual behavior before marriage has changed over time, was based on interviews conducted with more than 38,000 people -- about 33,000 of them women -- in 1982, 1988, 1995 and 2002 for the federal National Survey of Family Growth. According to Finer's analysis, 99 percent of the respondents had had sex by age 44, and 95 percent had done so before marriage.

Even among a subgroup of those who abstained from sex until at least age 20, four-fifths had had premarital sex by age 44, the study found.

Finer said the likelihood of Americans having sex before marriage has remained stable since the 1950s, though people now wait longer to get married and thus are sexually active as singles for extensive periods.

The study found women virtually as likely as men to engage in premarital sex, even those born decades ago. Among women born between 1950 and 1978, at least 91 percent had had premarital sex by age 30, he said, while among those born in the 1940s, 88 percent had done so by age 44.

"The data clearly show that the majority of older teens and adults have already had sex before marriage, which calls into question the federal government's funding of abstinence-only-until-marriage programs for 12- to 29-year-olds," Finer said.

Under the Bush administration, such programs have received hundreds of millions of dollars in federal funding.

"It would be more effective," Finer said, "to provide young people with the skills and information they need to be safe once they become sexually active -- which nearly everyone eventually will."

Wade Horn, assistant secretary for children and families at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, defended the abstinence-only approach for teenagers.

"One of its values is to help young people delay the onset of sexual activity," he said. "The longer one delays, the fewer lifetime sex partners they have, and the less the risk of contracting sexually transmitted disease."

He insisted there was no federal mission against premarital sex among adults.

"Absolutely not," Horn said. "The Bush administration does not believe the government should be regulating or stigmatizing the behavior of adults."

Horn said he found the high percentages of premarital sex cited in the study to be plausible, and expressed hope that society would not look askance at the small minority that chooses to remain abstinent before marriage.

However, Janice Crouse of Concerned Women for America, a conservative group which strongly supports abstinence-only education, said she was skeptical of the findings.

"Any time I see numbers that high, I'm a little suspicious," she said. "The numbers are too pat."

By the way, in regards to Ms. Crouse's skepticism, I should point out that a fundamentalist-Christian-funded study of a similar type for almost 65% of Americans of both sexes had premarital sex, so even if the numbers in the above study are high, the fact remains that the vast majority of people are having sex before marriage.

Posted at 1:12 AM

December 19, 2006

Well, apparently I am finally making some progress, slow as it may be in coming. All of those projects I've been talking about, that seem to take forever and draw out much longer than expected, are finally coming together, and I'm actually finishing some things.

Yesterday I reorganized all of my bookshelves to be more logically set up and to allow more room for adding new books, and I cleaned everything thoroughly (which is a big thing, because the backs of the shelves are open, and I have only dusted the fronts of the books and shelves for the past three years). This is something I've wanted to do for a while for a variety of reasons, basically all of which reasons were things that irritated me about the set-up, so now that is much more usable and functional and clean. That project alone took me far more hours than I'd thought it would (which has been par for the course), but I still had time to also run a bunch of errands around town and also had time to reorganize and clean up my filing cabinet.

Today I managed to finish the big dishes project, and I finished hand washing the last pots and pans and containers and such, then washed down the various cupboards, and then finally got everything back into the cupboards (both what I washed today as well as all of the various dishwasher-loads-worth of stuff that had covered every surface in the downstairs kitchen), and I managed to rearrange things a bit to make everything fit even better than before. Then I topped things off by cleaning the insides of the refrigerator and the insides of the microwave (which desperately needed a cleaning). I even got into cleaning and reorganizing my clothing and storage closets, although there is honestly still a significant amount of organizing to be done before that's all wrapped up.

A large part of me wants to drop all of this stuff,forget the projects, and lay back, maybe watch TV or read a book or play a game on the computer - anything rather than work at these unending tasks - but I know that I have to get these things done while I have the ability to do them at all. After a year of near-total inaction caused by my depression, I feel that I have to take advantage of this ability to get anything done while it lasts. Certainly I'm hoping to get everything done and then be able to relax, but the truth is that there is too much to ever get everything done. At some point I'll have to say "Enough is enough" and shift gears into relaxation and mental/emotional recovery. I need those things, too, possibly more than getting these various projects done, but I have to at least get some of these things done or I'll constantly be distracted by those pending projects and never be able to fully put my attention to whatever else I might want or need to face at the moment.

Tomorrow I plan to jump into some organizational projects on the first floor, my grandma's domain, and see if I can't make some sense of the massive disorganization she has managed to create. I've done a very impressive job so far where I have endeavored in such projects before in her rooms, and I have some great ideas on how to make things much more clean, organized, and useful. Wish me luck.

Posted at 11:05 PM

December 18, 2006

Yes, it is this simple. Why doesn't everybody get it like Leonard Pitts? We all are diminished so long as anyone is treated as lesser or unequal with everyone else.

Black or White, Gay or Straight, Discrimination Is Still Discrimination
by Leonard Pitts Jr.

This is for a reader who demands to know why I write about gay issues. His conclusion is that I must secretly be gay.

Acually, he doesn't express himself quite that civilly. To the contrary, his e-mails - which, until recently, were arriving at the rate of about one a week - evince a juvenility that would embarrass a reasonably intelligent fifth-grader. The most recent one, for example, carried a salutation reading, "Hi Mrs. Pitts."

We're talking about the kind of thing for which delete buttons were invented. So you may wonder why I bring it to your attention, especially since acknowledging a person like this only encourages him. It's simple: He raises an interesting question that deserves an answer.

If from that you conclude (or fear) you're about to read a stirring defense of my manly male masculinity, no. The guy is free to believe what he wishes; I really don't care. And here, let me digress to confess that, though I refer to him using masculine pronouns, I actually don't know if he's a he because his notes have been anonymous. Still, I assume it's a guy because the level of sexual insecurity the e-mails suggest strikes me as - boy, am I going to get in trouble for this - rather guy-specific.

Anyway, to get back to the point, I'm not here to argue sexuality. I just find myself intrigued by the idea that if you're not gay, you shouldn't care about gay rights.

The most concise answer I can give is cribbed from what a white kid said 40 or so years ago, as white college students were risking their lives to travel South and register black people to vote. Somebody asked why. He responded that he acted from an understanding that his freedom was bound up with the freedom of every other man.

I know it sounds cornier than Kellogg's, but that's pretty much how I feel.

I know also that some folks are touchy about anything seeming to equate the black civil rights movement with the gay one. And no, gay people were not kidnapped from Gay Land and sold into slavery, nor lynched by the thousands. On the other hand, they do know something about housing discrimination, they do know job discrimination, they do know homicide for the sin of existence, they do know the denial of civil rights and they do know what it is like to be used as scapegoat and bogeyman by demagogues and political opportunists.

They know enough of what I know that I can't ignore it. See, I have yet to learn how to segregate my moral concerns. It seems to me if I abhor intolerance, discrimination and hatred when they affect people who look like me, I also must abhor them when they affect people who do not. For that matter, I must abhor them even when they benefit me. Otherwise, what I claim as moral authority is self-interest in disguise.

Among the things we seem to have lost in the years since that white kid made his stand is the ability, the imagination, the willingness to put ourselves into the skin of those who are not like us. I find it telling that Vice President Dick Cheney hews to the hard, conservative line on virtually every social issue - except gay marriage. It is, of course, no coincidence that Mr. Cheney has a daughter who is a lesbian. Which tells me his position is based not on principle but, rather, on loving his daughter.

It is a fine thing to love your daughter. I would argue, however, that it is also a fine thing - and in some ways, a finer thing - to love your neighbor's daughter, no matter her sexual orientation, religion, race, creed or economic status - and to want her freedom as eagerly as you want your own.

I believe in moral coherence. And Rule No. 1 is, you cannot assert your own humanity, then turn right around and deny someone else's.

If that makes me gay, fine.

As my anonymous correspondent ably demonstrates, there are worse things to be.

Posted at 11:48 PM

December 17, 2006

Oh rats!

Posted at 12:11 AM

December 16, 2006

Even with as often as I've bitched about how much I hate yard work, I don't think I've ever mentioned how much I love indoor plants (maybe I should even say some indoor plants), and I not only appreciate how they look and how they make a soothing atmosphere, but I have quite a talent for growing them, a green thumb you might say.

Now let me make note that I have very little luck with flowering indoor plants, but then again I'm never really drawn to them either. My forte is green plants, the leafier the better. I thoroughly enjoy walks in forests and woodlands, so my favorite (and best grown) plants are reminiscent of those areas. My Norfolk Pine has grown greatly since I first bought it eight years ago, but it is exceptional for how full and long its branches have become. Since I've taken over maintaining my grandmother's plants, they too have grown stronger and fuller. Part of the reason for my results is surely some love for the plants (even if I don't talk to them), but I feel that much of what I do is a talent. I know that plants like consistency (consistent amounts of sun for consistent amounts of time; consistent amounts of water over consistent amounts of time, etc.), but there's also times when you have to take a leap of faith and do what you feel needs to be done even though at face value it seems rather extreme.

As an example I give you today. As I'm typing now, just as it's reaching Midnight, I've only just sat down after working on my Pothos (a vine plant with broad green leaves - these are very common throughout mall and businesses in America because they are very attractive and fairly simple to maintain). In my case, my Pothos are fifteen years old, they have moved with me from place to place, city to city, and they have always drawn comments from people because they are so full and have such amazingly long vines. When I lived in my loft in Chicago I had one on top of a concrete pillar, and the vines descended in a solid cascade down the entire column, over 15' down to the ground and the vines still trailed on the floor after that. I've had amazing luck and success with my three Pothos, and they often make my living room look like a jungle. Some people think I've let them take over (and I have), but I like it that way. Today, though, I decided that rather than just pick out dead leaves, I would do some pruning, something to reign in some seriously out of control plants.

As it turned out, the deeper I delved into the carpet of vines and leaves, I found that I had a lot of vines that were beautiful for the last five to ten feet, but the first three to six feet were simply barren, and that's okay here and there, but I just felt it was a drain on the plants to have as much non-productive arteries as it did. As a result, I have three garbage bags full to bursting with vines and leaves just from there three plants. Separating the vines from their entanglement and pruning here and pruning there too probably nine hours of my day (and I'm sure you're saying, "He exaggerates so much", but seriously - I started on the plants around 2:30 PM, and outside of a half-hour break for dinner, I was hacking away until not long ago.

Now that all is said and done, I can't help feeling like I've gone a bit too far. It's been a very long time since my Pothos have been cut back this far, but I do think that it will be very good for them in the long run. With the leafless stretches of vine gone, the plants shouldn't have to support dead weight, and with the vines cut off the plants will push new vines out from their root-bases and fill out in the pots. They'll grow long immediately, too, pushing new shoots of of the vines, even after they've been cut off, and soon enough they'll dominate my living room again.

I must say I am disappointed, though. One of the vines I cut back was one of the very oldest, a vine that was almost two inches around and which had huge leaves that in some cases were as big as my head (seriously, I know it sounds crazy, but it's true). It went for literally ten feet or more with leafless vine before the eight or nine feet of beautiful, huge leaves, and the leafless vine was old and gnarled and very inflexible, and I am quite sure it was draining alot of energy from the overall plant. So it's gone. And that should be for the good of the plant, but I miss the magnificence of those huge leaves filling every inch of space available.

The good news is that the work I wanted to do with the plants is done (I'd love to repot all of them, but that's simply not going to happen for a long, long time. I can't believe it took me as long as it did to take care of all of these, but at least it's done, and that's what's important in the big scheme of things. I also got a bunch of other, small things done today, too, before starting in on the plants, so it's been a good day over all. Tomorrow I just want to rest, though. All of this work is really just bringing me down when I should be relaxing and enjoying not having to run around doing things for my grandma. Oh well.

Posted at 12:27 AM

December 15, 2006

Bah! I'm still not getting anything done.

Posted at 1:24 AM

December 14, 2006

I'm still frustrated that things are moving so slowly. Here I am, almost a week since my grandma has been gone, and I still haven't cleaned any of the three floors of the house (my second floor, my grandma's first floor, or the basement), and not only have I not gotten those floors organized, I've possibly made things even more chaotic. For instance, one project I've been waiting for months to do and have started is cleaning my dishes. Now that may sound like just a simple thing that should be done daily, and the truth is that I wash the dishes I use immediately after each meal. All of the other dishes are another matter.

When I first moved here three and a half years ago, I ran some of my dishes through the dishwasher (my glasses particularly) to clean away dust and dirt from the moving process. Some things, though, I'll admit that I just wiped down and said, "To hell with it." So some things have needed to be properly cleaned for a while. That issue pales, however, when compared to the dust issue. You see, three and a half years of dust has built up, and even in this exceptionally dusty environment on the second floor, the dishes would probably fare well inside closed cupboards. The dust has been exacerbated, however, by my humidifier (which as I mentioned in a post a couple of months ago, has been putting out unhealthy white dust because I didn't know well enough to use only distilled water with a cold air ionizing mist humidifier. and as a sidenote: now that I'm using the distilled water, I not only feel quite healthy, but there isn't any dust build-up at all (at least beyond what was there before, since I desperately need to clean).

So most of my dishes have three years of dust - in fact three years of an unhealthy kind of dust - so I've been anxious to simply run everything through the dishwasher. Of course the dishwasher is on the first floor, and I have lots of dishes and Visionware pots and pans and glasses and such, so it's a big deal. As of today, all of my dishes have been washed that can be washed in the dishwasher. They cover every surface in my grandma's first floor kitchen, waiting to go back (and that took about seven full dishwasher loads). Unfortunately I still have to wash a number of dishes by hand, although that honestly shouldn't take too long, and I still have to scrub out the cupboards themselves. Then I can haul everything back upstairs, see if I can remember right how I had things all able to fit (and maybe try to improve on the organization of things, and then that "small" project will be done.

And that's just one example of the stuff I've been doing. I have a number of different projects that are in progress like that (and a whole, huge bunch more yet to be started) and while I am making forward progress, I'm not getting things done. I don't, in fact, see a lot of these things getting done before the first week is up, considering I keep running out to do errands here and there in the hopes that I won't have to go out of the house during the week before or the few days after Christmas (because it's crazy out there). My hope is that, while I'm not pleased with where I am now, going into the end of the first week of "freedom", there's every reason to believe that a number of projects will get wrapped up next week, getting a lot of organizational stuff done and out of the way and leaving me free to clean the house and have things sparkly and nice by Christmas. Then I can just sleep for a few days and consider that my Christmas gift to myself. Sleep is definitely on my wish list, that's for sure ...

Posted at 12:27 AM

December 13, 2006

Man, this week just is not going in any way as I had hoped. LIttle sleep, lots of rushing around, not a lot getting done (or at least not much being completed), suffering aches and pains and headaches, not going to Lafayette, and feeling as stressed and miserable as I did last week while I was trying to get my grandma packed and taken care of for her trip. I had been thinking all week that if I could just suffer through this week at a hectic pace then I could relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor during the following weeks. I can't see now how that's at all possible, and now I'm upset at myself for even trying, because not only will it take a lot longer to get on top of things, but I've made myself tired, achy, and miserable.

Some break ...

Posted at 3:25 AM

December 12, 2006

Here it is the 12th of December, with less than two weeks before Christmas, and I haven't seen or heard a single Chia Pet ad or seen a single Chia Pet display in a store. After years of hearing that damn "Cha-cha-cha Chia" refrain playing over and over again incessantly it seems odd to not even hear it a single time now.

I don't mind, mind you, but it does seem odd to me - just odd.

Posted at 12:35 AM

December 11, 2006

My left shoulder and neck continue to hold a dull ache (sometimes a bit more than just dull, but not a throbbing or a sharp pain), and while I got a decent amount of sleep last night, I still have felt run-down all day, partly due to the shoulder/neck ache and partly just due, I think, to a need to get more than the usual sleep for a few straight days. Hopefully by the end of the week I'll feel recovered from this. In the meantime it makes me much more tired much more quickly, it seems.

I ignored the pain completely for a bit more than an hour today while I nearly fell in love with the perfect boy. He's not a boy, really, as he's probably nineteen or twenty (Or perhaps more, but nineteen or twenty's my guess), but he has a youthful feel about him, partly from his looks and partly from his sunny disposition. I got to ~~stare~~ watch him while we talked on and off for the hour or so we were together, and I found him to be charming, intelligent, self-confident without being pretentious or cocky, notably optimistic, and very comfortable with himself and his surroundings.

As for his looks, he's as close to perfect as they get. He's about my height, perhaps a half an in shorter. He has a very slim build, almost delicate in appearance but belying a solid strength (as exhibited in his handshake and his clear ease at lifting a heavy box). He has a light, flawless complexion with sandy blond hair in a purposefully messy bed-head look (that works for him perfectly). He has small features (my favorite attribute) such as thin, but rosy lips, fine eyebrows, small ears and nose, and elegant hands and fingers. He was dressed very casually in a pair of cargo pants, a polo with a simple white t-shirt underneath (flush to his skin but not skin-tight), and some very relaxed looking light brown Puma sneakers with very little sole (not quite wrestler's shoes, but similar). As usual my gaydar was completely broken, and I had no clue about this vision, but I con certainly say that he at least fits the 'metrosexual' closeness to being gay, in that he wasn't by any means you average straight guy. THere were no cues that he was gay (not that it would have mattered - he was so out of my league), but it didn't really matter. He was great to talk to, and if it wasn't for the fact that he lives and works in Parma (a suburb of Cleveland about an hour from where I live), then I might have really tried to catch up with him again and maybe build a friendship. I just really liked him a lot, and while I could easily love someone like him very easily, I could very happily accept another friend who I'm as comfortable with as I was with him.

But it wasn't to be. He's too far away, and sadly there's really nothing to bring us together again. I'm happy to say, though, that while a beautiful guy like this would usually pique my interest and then leave me feeling depressed and alone and empty, today I felt very happy about having met him because I enjoyed our brief time together so much. It's a shame that I found someone that made me feel so good only to never probably see him again, but that's life. If this beautiful soul, Derek, was meant to be in my life more than today's hour or so, then ... I don't know. I wish I had reason to see him again, as much as that makes me seem like a schoolgirl with a crush, but I don't. But it was nice while it lasted ...

Posted at 12:41 AM

December 10, 2006

It's been a crazy day in a lot of ways. I couldn't fall asleep last night until well after 2:30 AM, and I was so wired that I could have stayed up even longer. That didn't stop me from waking up at a little after 8 AM and feeling quite tired, exhausted even, but not apparently tired enough to get back to sleep.

I had plans in Toledo for today, so I mostly just got showered and dressed, but I couldn't help but do this and that around the house as I was going along. I filled and ran the dishwasher and filed some papers and a few other things - nothing big, but it dragged out my morning such that I was running late, or at least later than I'd planned.

By the time I'd dropped off some CDs at the Sandusky library and got on the road out of town I was feeling okay. I was pretty happy even, because one of the big things I'd done earlier today that made me late was to connect and update my iPod for the first time in a couple of months. I've been holding off while I added in the rest of the music from my collection, and while I cleaned up the song data, and while I made new playlists and revised my old ones. IT took a long fucking time to download over 60 GB of music and stuff, but I appreciated it when I was in the car and driving along. I now have all sorts of options in my music choices, just like if I was in my living room, and that's awfully nice. So this was a big payoff for a lot of time and effort on my part, even if nobody else would probably see this as time well spent.

Regardless of how much I was enjoying the music, though, I was feeling uncomfortable by the time I reached Toledo. I've developed some muscle pain in my left shoulder leading into my neck that has just gotten worse as the day has progressed. I don't know if I pulled a muscle or what, and I had thought it was just a result of not having enough sleep and that I was just achy in that sleep-deprived way, but I'm not so sure now, after it has grown worse. By the time I had taken care of my business downtown and picked up some Pepsi and Sprite before heading to a get-together with Steve, Mark, and Steffen, I was not feeling very great.

Part of the sad truth, too, is that I haven't been overly motivated to go today. Don't get me wrong - I love the time I spend with the guys, and I need that social interaction, but the D&D game that I've been refereeing has grown tiresome to me, and I need a break. Right now I'd say I need a break completely, for a month or so, where I just do my own thing while my grandma's gone and I can enjoy it and get stuff done for me. Deep down I suspect, though, that I might be best served if we wrap up the current segment of my game scenario and switch back to either Steve or Mark's campaigns where I can be simply a player again. That's probably what I'll push for, but that didn't help me a whole lot today. I really just wasn't into gaming at all.

But it was nice to see the guys. The fact that my shoulder hurts like a bitch and the fact that I kept falling asleep on the drive home (seriously, not a good thing), have not left me feeling great about the day, particularly considering I'd been excited about my first day on my own without having to care for my grandma.

I'll get by alright, and I'm sure I'll have no problem in going to sleep tonight considering I've been finding it hard to retain consciousness for the past two hours, so I guess that works in my favor now, at least. That's something anyhow.

Posted at 12:29 AM

December 9, 2006

Oh fraptious day! Kaloo! Kaleigh!

I'm chortling in my joy.

That was a bit from Jabberwocky, but it's all too appropriate. My grandma is now in Maryland with my sister, leaving me close to four months to relax, rejuvenate, and work on things for myself that I've been putting off for far too long. This break has been far too long overdue, and even though it's sad to admit, I have been simply filled with a sense of great relief since the moment they both passed through the security checkpoint at the airport and were on their way. Part of me wants to sleep non-stop for days, but another part wants to get going on a whole list of things that I can now work on uninterrupted.

Among the things I have wanted to finish is a massive project I've been working on for weeks (well, on and off for weeks, but pretty much constantly in all of my available time this past week around getting everything prepared for my grandma's trip. The iTunes project has been a big deal to me. For a couple of years now I've had 20 GB of music in iTunes (and thus on my iPod) that was my must-haves from my music collection. I still had space on the computer's hard drive for more, and space in the iPod for more, but it takes time to import your music, so I kept putting it off. Some time a couple months ago I started the process of adding in the rest of my music collection. I'd thought that maybe that would about double the size of my iTunes library. Try more like tripled, and you would have the new number. But of course even that, as big of a project as it has been, would be fairly straightforward and not too lengthy. No, I had to look deeper and have my obsessive compulsive tendencies take over. I noticed a number of things, like that some music would import the album cover artwork readily and some wouldn't, and some would pull in a crappy copy of the artwork. So I went through and searched for all of the album cover artwork by hand, found the best images, and used them. Then I wanted to fix the artist names, since some are off because of a typo or some such little thing. Then I decided to make sure that the genre listings all made sense for the appropriate groups. Then I worked on album titles, song titles, and other aspects. The final, and by far the most time consuming part of the process I just finished tonight, the composers listing. The composer listing, unlike and of the other album data elements, is posted in a whole variety of contrasting formats: some have the composers name, some have that name last-name-first, some have multiple composers divided by commas, some by semi-colons, some by slashes, some by hyphens, some listings have just a last name, some a last name and initial, some a full first and last name, some use the artist's stage name while some use their given name - there are just so many inconsistencies it's horrible. So I fixed all of that. For 16,000 songs. Some fun. But it's done. Hee, hee, hee!!!

So today has been very rewarding, and today has brought me some joy. That's a rare thing for me, and I treasure it. The idea that I can do a lot more things for myself in the next three and a half months is very exciting, and I'm very, very pleased. Now if I can just calm down enough to go to sleep I'll be in great shape. Sleep is a wonderful thing, and with big plans for tomorrow I need some rest. Tomorrow is the first day of my new-found freedom, and I plan to start making the most of it.

Posted at 1:31 AM

December 8, 2006

Tick, tick, tick, tick, ...

Posted at 11:52 PM

December 7, 2006

Only one and a half more days, yet it can't pass fast enough for me. My grandma is driving me absolutely nuts, and the idea of having someone else taking care of her for a while and letting me have time to myself - it is simply too wonderful for words. One and a half days - so close and yet so far. How can I possibly bear it?

Posted at 11:49 PM

December 6, 2006

Sleep is not overrated.

Posted at 10:54 PM

December 5, 2006

Time simply passes far too quickly, that's all there is to it. I either need more time or possibly that watch from that one Twilight Zone episode that allows you to stop time when you want to.

Posted at 12:48 AM

December 4, 2006

The end is in sight, and my grandma should be on her way to Maryland in five days, but at the moment that doesn't make this exhaustion any more acceptable. Sure, much of this is from sleep deprivation (less than five hours of sleep last night and similarly short rests each night for the past week will do that to you), but the running around constantly from one place to another, one task to another, to get things all in order and all knocked out is physically and mentally draining all on their own. Combined, the lack of sleep and the frantic pace are making me feel completely miserable, and I can't keep up this kind of pace much longer.

Tomorrow should be less busy than today, although full of a number of important things that need to get done and out of the way. I might even get to sleep in tomorrow (I hope), and if everything goes well tomorrow then the next few days should flow a bit more easily and not be so draining. I look forward to that with as much energy as I can muster right now (which isn't much), and I really look forward to Saturday when my grandma flies off for her vacation time and leaves me alone to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Posted at 11:10 PM

December 3, 2006

It has been an insufferably long day, but much is done or nearly done. I have my grandma completely packed except for make-up and jewelry, which are (for her) always last-minute things. I have all of the Christmas presents from her and me bought, wrapped, and packaged in a big, organized box that will have to be taken to the Post Office tomorrow. I have my grandma all caught up on her bills; I have her (and me) all caught up on laundry; I have her kitchen all cleaned up; and I have her yard and plants finally all completely done. I've even gotten her well underway on her Christmas cards (which is very early for her since she's usually still sending them after Christmas).

I think I have her just about all set for her trip, and while she has a number of appointments this week, it should all be spaced out enough that she shouldn't feel to over-taxed. I have to take her to three appointments tomorrow, and while she's in her aqua-arobics class at the YMCA I'll be doing a number of tasks myself (the Post Office and other such things). After tomorrow things should seem a whole lot easier since there will be less pressure since most everything will be done. I might even be able to sleep in on Tuesday (might being the operative word). At least things seem to be heading in the right direction.

Posted at 12:14 AM

December 2, 2006

Such a tiring day, but my shopping is done, a lot of other tasks are accomplished, I got to spend a couple of hours with Steve, and I had lunch and drove around with my friend James, whom I haven't actually seen for about twelve or thirteen years (we've talked by phone on an off for the last year or so, but this was the first time we got together face to face in ages). I got up for all of that at 6 AM after not getting to sleep until late last night, and I'm really feeling it now. I need a long sleep, and tomorrow may just allow me a chance to sleep in (I hope that I didn't just jinx that). So off to bed I go. I'm looking forward to this.

Posted at 11:20 PM

December 1, 2006

Shopping and wrapping and packing! Oh my!

Strangely there seems to be an end in sight. I had hoped to have the shopping, wrapping, and packing done completely today and things off on their way through the Post Office, but the Post Office closed far too early for that to happen. In fact I still have a little of everything yet to do to be fully set, but tomorrow I should get as lot done and be well on track.

I should be happy with all that I've done as it is. I've been getting a great deal done, it's just that there's so much more yet to do. One day at a time, though. I have to remember that. If I can accept that then I'll be fine.

Posted at 11:12 PM