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| message board June 2006
Posted at 11:38 PM
Please blow my head off. Any kind of blow won't even register past the migraine, I assure you, and it will hopefully put me out of my misery. My head is devastating, but my back is finding its own way to kill me. Add in that my arms feel like the blood pressure is going to explode all of the veins in my wrists, and you may begin to get an inkling of what I'm feeling the past couple of days. Posted at 11:38 PM
This is much more fun than cow-tipping (although I honestly have never gone cow-tipping before, so I am, indeed, making supposition here). [Be sure to point the mouse at the cow or you'll never see what so amuses me.] Posted at 3:12 AM
Where have all the good men gone? Posted at 12:49 AM
Posted at 12:03 AM
My migraine officially has become more of a problem today than my depression. It's been pounding, throbbing, and getting under my cranial plates in a very horrible manner, and nothing I've done has diminished it. If I can get to sleep, or at least get to sleep before half of the night has passed, then perhaps the rest will help. It didn't make anything better last night, but I'm open to looking for miracles. Posted at 12:19 AM
I can personally attest to the shrinking circle of friends in the past decade, and I can point to dozens of people who've seen the same thing happen to them as well. This issue has compounded my depression without a doubt, and it doesn't look like it will get better any time soon.
Posted at 3:39 AM
I was hoping that getting together with Steve, Steffen, and Mark in Perrysburg today would give me a boost of morale and get me out of feeling so emotionally and physically rotten. Apparently that was too much to ask for, however. Not only was our get-together cancelled, but I didn't get the call until I was almost there. Even worse, due to all of the massive flooding throughout Northwest Ohio I had traveled on the Ohio Turnpike rather than my usual path along Route 2 (which is notorious for flooding out). So not only did I waste two and a half hours driving, get a headache from the glare of the sun, and waste $20 worth of gasoline, but I threw away just short of $4 more for tolls. With luck like this it is simply amazing that I still haven't been hit by a bus (although maybe it never happens because I want it too much). Posted at 12:05 AM
The good news is that my grandma has a healthy brain and normal levels of all of the things that could be signs of Alzheimer's or other degenerative or memory-loss-inducing problems. The bad news is that I have no remedies to the increasing problems I'm having with her attention span, memory, and civility. I almost wish I didn't know this new info, because I feel like I've just been given a life sentence of punishment that will grow worse and worse as each day passes. Posted at 10:27 PM
I was fortunate today that I woke up with very little stiffness or soreness from yesterday's yardwork. Even the bit of sunburn I had garnered had faded overnight. Unfortunately I woke up instead with a pretty solid headache and a fairly swollen/sore throat. I've been popping my migraine pills all day, which has had some degree of success, and I've been caring for my throat, which is better and hopefully will be fully healed after a solid night's sleep (I hope). I had to take my grandma to a few more appointments today, and I washed all of our laundry, among other things. And of course I had about three different arguments with my grandma over the course of the day - she seems to be getting worse and rarely better, and I'm at a complete loss. I'm trying, honestly I am, but I'm ready to beat my head against a wall. More often than that I just want to lie down and sleep or just drift in a semi-comatose state. It's like I need the disconnect from this ugly reality to be able to bear it at all. But, sadly, I never have enough time to really vegetate like that. If I did I might be more at peace with myself and relaxed, but no so luck. So today was just ups and downs - lots of frustration and anxiety, but not a total loss of a day. Tomorrow could very well be a very close repeat considering the scheduled appointments and the things I need to do around the house, but I'm hoping that tomorrow might flow at least a bit more smoothly. I need a little relief, and any little bit would help - any bit at all. Posted at 1:03 AM
I've been feeling so horrible emotionally for the past few weeks that it's been making me feel physically horrible as well. My grandmother has made matters worse by finding some way to start an argument just about every time I see her, something inexplicable that she now does at least once or more a day but never did at all during the first two years I was here to care for her. During the past year she has gotten worse and worse about this penchant for conflict, and it has grown progressively worse over time, to the point where I get high blood pressure and anxiety and a whole swirling mess of emotional turmoil as a result, and all of those things together inevitably and rapidly lead to a migraine or body aches or an upset stomach or extreme lethargy or a combination of those things. As a result, I've felt like shit for weeks, and on the rare days when I feel half-way decent I have to sneak around the house quietly and quickly to avoid my grandma before she starts another argument. It's ironic since I'm here to take care of her, and I do check on her regularly throughout the day, but I check on her quickly and usually without her noticing so that I can escape and try to get something accomplished. Otherwise I feel like hell and can barely convince myself to even move at all. Today was one of those rare days when I felt a little better - not great but well enough to finally get back to yardwork - and I was almost out the door when my grandma caught me and began what was clearly going to be a conflict, so I told her to just stop talking and let me get out to the yard since I didn't want an argument and just wanted to get something done. Of course the whole thing bothered me anyhow, just because of the fact that she was very clearly going to start at me again, but getting out quickly left me enough sanity and strength to do a whole hell of a lot of yardwork. I'm quite tired and very achy and stiff, but I can honestly say that I'd rather be physically tired and achy from real work than from the physiological effects of unnecessary anxiety and depression. I have been very patient with this ugly turn that things have taken with my grandma, but I'm at the end of my limits. We have a follow-up visit with her primary doctor Thursday to see what some recent tests suggest about anything physical that can account for this drastic change (as well as certain memory loss issues and such). In a way I almost want to hear that she has early stages of Alzheimer's of something simply because then I can understand why she has become this way. Of course I want her to be fully healthy, too, and I can't have both of these desires, but I hope that there is something that can be done to turn her back into the loving grandma that I've known my whole life. Otherwise I really don't know what to do. I've even considered that I may just have to admit that I'm no longer able to provide the proper care for her under the circumstances, and that would mean she would have to go to live with my parents in Florida, sell her house, and almost certainly begin a rapid decline into death. It's a prospect I've striven to do my best to avoid, but at a certain point I have to admit that I'm unable to properly care for her. I just never thought that it would be because she would become combative. I expected that if anything I would face a medical problem that was beyond my abilities or face her becoming mentally slowed and timid. Neither of those prospects were anything I'd looked forward to, but I'd take either situation any day over what I've had to deal with this past year. So at least I got the lawn trimmed and mowed and a lot of weeding and plant-care accomplished today. It's more than I've been able to do in quite a while, and it's been long overdue. Tomorrow is another day, and we'll see how I fare with my grandma. I have to take her to a few different appointments during the morning and afternoon, but I hope she won't try starting an argument. I'm really just too tired for it any more, and I certainly don't deserve it. Posted at 11:48 PM
Take my life - please! Funny how paraphrasing that old Henny Youngman joke just doesn't begin to express how miserable and anxious for a quick end I am. Death is far preferable to this unending pain and despondency. Anything is preferable. Posted at 12:52 AM
Yeah, I'm still here ... No, I can't leave yet ... No, he still wants me here ... Well you know how he is. Misery loves company ... Well I've tried to sneak away, but it's like he's everywhere! ... No! I just can't get away! Every time I turn around, there's Misery ... Sure. Right. Of course you'd say that ... Of course you think you would never have found yourself here in the first place ... Yeah, that's very helpful ... Sure, it's my own fault - that's so nice of you to say, so caring ... Well fuck you, too, buddy ... You're obviously not enough of a friend to help me get out of here, but I should have known that already ... Right, I'm "ungrateful" for you telling me that I should solve this myself, like I haven't tried that ... Fine then, just go and <CLICK> ... Oh sure, hang up on me ... fucking bastard ... Posted at 1:01 AM
Sorry, today's Journal entry will not be available due to raging depression and the inability to do anything. Thank you.
Why do I have to live an existence I hate this much? My promises not to end it all myself are by far the most unfair promises I've ever made, and I no longer see any reason why I even give a damn about whether I keep my word or not. Why should I expect it to make a difference to anybody after I'm dead whether I broke my word or not when nobody seems to give the slightest damn about me now? Posted at 10:50 PM
Make the pain go away, thank you please. Posted at 11:32 PM
I certainly didn't accomplish everything that I'd hoped to accomplish today, but I did well enough. More importantly, I got to spend some time with Steve and talk about politics and life and a whole list of ideas and issues. We talked for over four hours, in fact, moving from one topic to the next. We haven't had the chance for quite some time to talk without some limits on time, at least not for quite a while, and it was great to have a chance to talk today. Had it not been for the hour getting so late (after 1:30 AM), we probably would have kept going, but we both realized that we had things to do tomorrow,l things we'd have to get up fairly early to accomplish in the proper time frames. So we went our own ways, Steve back to Toledo from Perrysburg and me back to Sandusky. I was more wide awake on this trip back to Sandusky than I have been on the past two or three trips. That's a good thing considering I've been on the verge of completely falling asleep one minute after the next during the previous rides. In fact I'm still quite alert even now, just minutes before 5 AM, but I think that I have to force myself to get some sleep soon or I won't have any time left at all before I have no choice but to get up. I've had a very shitty last week, filled with the worst kind of lethargic depression that has left me wanting to do nothing at all, not even get out of bed or eat or anything, and today's bit of socialization has definitely been a big help. I'm still mightily low and unmotivated at the moment, but I'm far from being as bad off as I've been for the last seven days. I wish I could see my friends more often, and I imagine that the companionship would go a tremendous ways towards making me feel more human and sane and comfortable again. But wishes are, of course, what they are, and not some things that just occur on a whim. Mores the pity, really, because I can think up some splendid wishes, being the dreamer that I am. Perhaps, for a rare instance, I can have dreams that I remember, dreams where my wishes do come true, even if only for the brief moments during which I'm asleep. At this point, failing to see any way to achieve my dreams in the real world, I'm more than willing to accept my only possible substitute. To here's to hoping for wonderful dreams as I sign off and try to get to sleep. Even this is probably asking too much, but dreams of theDreamworld and those values I hold dear would be the best thing I can possibly imagine. Here goes nothin', fellow dreamers. Wish me luck. Posted at 5:09 AM
Posted at 11:29 PM
My depression is like the Energizer Bunny - it keeps going and going and going. Lucky me. Posted at 11:23 PM
The end is not near, damnit. Posted at 11:26 PM
Wolves and jackals have more nobility than human beings in most every circumstance. They are more honest, straightforward, and true. They do not change their nature on a whim, they do not kill their own kind except in the rarest of circumstances, they certainly don't go to war among themselves, and they kill other creatures only for what they need to survive or to defend themselves. They are all these things and more, and yet they are considered the animals. How laughable. Posted at 12:06 AM
<SIgh> Posted at 12:33 AM
The Ultimate Showdown is the awesome. It puts Secret Wars and Crisis on Infinite Earths to shame. Posted at 10:14M
Well, if I'd have ever had to have guessed that anything would be more popular with college students than beer, I suppose I would have at least always wanted it to be an Apple product.
Posted at 12:47 AM
So it's 6-6-6 today. Well I've got a 'revelation' for all of the end-times fanatic morons out there - kill yourselves now and save us all the misery. The idea that people actually believed the world would come to an end today simply because of the date is beyond the most ridiculous nonsense. Anyone who's read this website knows full well that I'm no fan of many aspects of this existence, but I fail to see why anyone, let alone large numbers of people, are so gleefully anxious for the world to end in an all-encompassing whirlwind of destruction. These are the same nutcases who expected the world to end as the new millennium dawned and then were thoroughly surprised when it didn't. The idiocy people pass off as religious belief never ceases to amaze me. Get a brain, end-timers. The end of the world will certainly come only when you least expect it. Posted at 12:42 AM
Okay, this bullshit has got to stop. Using the word "gay" in a manner such as to say "That is so gay" is not acceptable just because kids are using it to mean "stupid" or "wrong" or "bad" or "unpopular". The root of "gay" being used in that way developed from a comparison of something to homosexuals, casting them negatively. The ability of some people to be so dense as to fail to understand how this could and should offend gay people astounds me. If kids were to start using the phrase "Jew them down" as a way to say "get a lower price", that would (and is) seen asa derogatory and anti-semitic. And while African-Americans now have reclaimed a formerly hated word, it is only acceptable for one black person to call another black person "My nigga". If some white kid were to call his black friend "my nigga" he might well find on the harsh end of a smackdown, and rightly so. I'd like to further point out that kids use the word "fuck" quite a lot, and the majority of the time they aren't referring to intercourse. "This fuckin' sucks" or "You fucking asshole" are perfectly acceptable among young people, and it isn't foul language, merely a way that the word could be seen to evolve. While this is exactly the same sort of situation described by this BBC article, I'm somehow sure that the BBC won't be so accepting of the word "fuck" on their network. The BBC has a sad history of insensitivity and homophobic rhetoric within its news and radio divisions, but this situation displays not only bigotry but stupidity. How can these fools not see that the use of the word "gay" to mean "rubbish" (in the British vernacular) is demeaning to gay people? This whole issue aggravates me beyond belief.
Posted at 12:25 AM
Sea urchins and street urchins - what, exactly, is the similarity? Posted at 12:12 AM
For the first tiem in three weeks I had a social life this afternoon/evening. I joined Steve and Mark at Steffen's house in Perrysburg for dinner and a lot of talking and joking around, and it was a good time. Mark and Steffen have particularly busy lives with families, third shift jobs, and outside organizations in which they each actively participate, and it's a lot for them to squeeze in a day for us to get together and talk and game, even though they clearly enjoy the time we spend together. Each of the past three weeks had various obligations that made meeting impossible, and I accept that. Still, I fully realize how calming and relaxing these get-togethers are, even just one day a week, and it makes a huge difference after a week of stress and frustration as I struggle to take care of my grandmother and not strangle her in the process. Without the chance to socialize and relax for three weeks I've been more stressed and full of anxiety - to the point of negative physical results - than I can remember being in years, and my ability to cope with my grandmother has been severely limited. So today was exactly the kind of break I needed to relax a bit to break free from the world of senior care for just a few precious hours - only a few hours, it's true, but enough to recharge me so that I can bear the burdens I'm forced to carry. In terms of gaming we accomplished next to nothing, not even beginning the battle that Mark had been determined we would start and finish tonight, but we still had a good time, and I think we all needed that, each in our own ways. Certainly I needed the respite from my other, everyday life, and in reflecting upon it I think that I desperately need that sort of refuge at least once a week to maintain my sanity. Hopefully we can get back to a more regular schedule, a weekly gathering, because the long stretches without getting away from here are unbearable and serve only to make things worse and worse as every day progresses. I'm back in Sandusky now, and I'm horrendously tired. I was really struggling to stay awake on the drive back from Perrysburg tonight, but I made it safely, and it was truly worth the exhaustion for the payoff I received. I feel so much better, so much lighter in spirit, that I can't begin to explain it, but it is clearly the sort of refresher I need on a regular basis. Next weekend is impossible as a get-together because of other events that the guys have pending. We're going to try for a Wednesday get-together, though, which should be interesting considering it will be a mid-day deal since Steffen works late-nights and Steve works day-time, so we'll be pushing the envelope with this one. We'll see how it works out, and I have my doubts as to whether we'll ever do the mid-week thing again, but as far as I'm concerned anything is alright provided I can get away from this house once a week to clear my head and relax. I don't think I can make it anymore without that, and right now Steve, Mark, and Steffen are my only option for a shot at a social life. Posted at 3:04 AM
Feats, don't fail me now! (That's what D&D characters say when they're under attack). Posted at 12:37 AM
I miss my Simon. I miss him a lot. Posted at 1:44 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © June 2006
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June 30, 2006
