home | archives | bio | stories | poetry | links | guestbook | message board
previous | archives index | next

April 2007

April 30, 2007

Quality. That's what I get from Buckeye Cablesystem. We have a bundled package with them that gives cable TV, cable Internet, and full telephone service - except when it doesn't work. Like today, when none of the three parts of our package worked for the last couple hours of the morning and through into the first couple hours of the afternoon (and not just for us, but for a huge part of the city of Sandusky). This just after a week of having no Internet service for three and a half of the days of the week, and having phenomenally slow service during two more of those days. What a nightmare.

In other news, can anyone explain to me why How I Met Your Mother wasn't pulled from the air within days of anyone having seen it. Hmmm ... maybe that's it; maybe nobody has actually tuned in. It is CBS after all ...

Posted at 8:14 PM

April 29, 2007

Posted at 9:40 PM

April 28, 2007

Who names their kid 'Stone' as a first name?

Posted at 9:04 PM

April 27, 2007

Congratulations to my grandma, who today proved herself to be more frustrating and confounding than Buckeye Cablesystem (which, considering I'm still having problems with cable internet services, is no small task).

Posted at 9:46 PM

April 26, 2007

Grrr!!! Fuckers!

So I got up this morning, and after brushing my teeth and doing most of my morning basics, I surfed the 'Net for about a half hour. Things seemed to be back to normal. I stopped at that point so that I could get into my stretching and exercising routine and then take a shower. After all of that, and just into the early afternoon, I started some food for lunch and while it was cooking I sat to continue my surfing - BUT THE FUCKING CABLE INTERNET WAS DOWN AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

- and that's been the case all day since. Not a moment of bandwidth to be found all day. I'm royally pissed - more than even I can imagine.

I've had long moments of trying to think of alternatives for high-speed connection to the Internet, because this is not only unacceptable, but I simply won't allow this to happen again. It's ridiculous. Heck, even with the crappy service I got from SBC (now AT&T) DSL service, I never had even a single full day of downtime, let alone nearly three whole days of no service like I've had now. I'm certainly not anxious to go back to DSL at this point, but it may be worth considering. Honestly I wonder if I can get satellite cable internet from any of the locally available satellite TV providers. I'd be more than happy to just say "Fuck you" to Buckeye Cablesystem altogether. Even if it cost more to do it, as long as it wasn't outrageously more, I would have absolutely no problem switching away from this nightmare that Buckeye Cable has forced upon me.

Posted Written at 10:00 PM

April 25, 2007

Well, it took until an hour ago before I had Internet service again, and I have to say that Buckeye Cablesystem was beyond useless once again. Still, they seem to have gotten things working again, even at a rather slowed pace, and one I figured out on my own how to reset the equipment properly, I was able to get things running finally after two days of dead time.

Strangely enough, I seem to have missed just about nothing. I read through all of my e.mail and read through all of the web sites that I follow on a daily basis, reading all of the postings for the past two days, and I managed to do that in only a bit more than an hour - not bad, really.

So I'm much happier now that I have an Internet connection again, but I'm still agitated by having had the downtime at all. Oh, and as I mentioned yesterday - any idea of credit coming back for this downtime is clearly not something Buckeye Cable will contemplate. Fuckers.

Posted at 12:32 AM

April 24, 2007

No service. I haven't been able to connect to the Internet at all today. Not a single page will load. As it turns out, I spent the largest part of the day (over seven hours) working on the lawn, so I didn't have all day to be aggravated, but I also didn't have a chance to find out what the hell is going on from the cable company that provides my Internet service. Granted, I could call now and go through the frustration that would surely ensure, but I've reset the cable modem, my router, and my computer a few different times, and I've tried a couple different connection methods, and I get nothing in any way. It looks like the system is simply dead, and talking to the fools at their "support" line will do nothing but aggravate me.

As a consumer I'm angry at this unacceptable service - going well over a day with no service whatsoever after the day prior to that having offered incredibly slowed service, I'm not at all pleased. And I have little doubt that I'll get any credit for these days - that just isn't the way Buckeye Cablesystem does business.

The worst part of all of this, beyond my frustration with Buckeye Cable and my loss of time and patience dealing with this, is the feeling of being somewhat lost without the Internet. Keep in mind, not only do I post Journal entries daily, check e.mail multiple times daily, and read chapters of continuing Internet stories as they get posted, but I use the Internet for checking the weather, for getting TV listings, and for reading various newspapers. Now I do still have access to the Weather Channel, I do have access to the TV Guide in my digital cable on the TV, and I have access to my grandma's copy of the local Sandusky Register (although that is hardly a replacement for my usual newspaper roster) - so I have alternatives for these things, but it seems so very inconvenient and slow to use any of those sources. The 'Net (when it works for me) is so quick and easy and directable that it has made the rest of these things as close to obsolete for me as they can be without being discontinued.

I do miss the Internet, though. I don't feel horrible about missing it, so it's not like I have withdrawal from my addiction or something, but I do feel very inconvenienced - and certainly for no practical reason. Hopefully things will be back up and running tomorrow, but at this late point in the day, I'd have to say that it's a bust, and this won't get posted again. Heck, I may need to go to the library tomorrow just so I can use their wireless network and upload these Journal entries. There's no telling when I might be able to otherwise.

Posted Written at 9:07 PM

April 23, 2007

I hate the fuckers at Buckeye Cablesystem. Their cable TV services have been more reliable in the last year, but their cable internet service has had completely suck-tastic days like today where there simply isn't any service at all and I lose all ability to do anything with the net. It pisses me off, and today has been outrageous.

The icing on this shit-cake was when I called to ask if the system was down in my area and if they were doing anything about it. After wasting a half hour of my time walking me through resetting various things a number of times (all of which things I had already previously done myself,just to be sure there wasn't a problem on my end), they finally stated that technicians were working on problems in my area and had been for the better part of the last two days. This was completely contrary to her initial response that she "didn't show any problems in the system in my area", but it was even more aggravating after having her wasting my time and treating me like the problem was my fault.

These people suck. I only keep using them because they're no worse that AT&T DSL, my main alternative, and they're slightly less expensive (but only slightly). I'd pay even more for a better service provider, let me tell you. This shit has definitely gone too far.

Posted Written at 12:32 AM

April 22, 2007

Posted at 1:35 AM

April 21, 2007

I can't help it.

One TV station or another broadcasts the Harry Potter movies every few weeks, and I often have them on in the background while I read. If I'm watching either of the first two Harry Potter films (Sorceror's Stone or Chamber of Secrets), every time I see Wood I get wood. That's one actor who lives up to his real last name, at least based upon my reactions.

Posted at 9:56 PM

April 20, 2007

Ah, Spring in Sandusky ... it's like mold growing on Limberger cheese ... in sweltering heat ... in a room with no ventilation ...

Posted at 10:56 PM

April 19, 2007

Damn! I missed my best friend's birthday on Monday. What a schmuck I am.

Posted at 9:32 PM

April 18, 2007

" ... "

Posted at 10:03 PM

April 17, 2007

I've always been a fan of Harvey Fierstein's various works, but I've never read anything he's written before (other than plays). If this op-ed piece for the New York Times is anything like what he can regularly produce, I'd say he should push for a weekly column somewhere. I certainly couldn't agree more with what he has to say.

Our Prejudices, Ourselves

America is watching Don Imus’s self-immolation in a state of shock and awe. And I’m watching America with wry amusement.

Since I’m a second-class citizen — a gay man — my seats for the ballgame of American discourse are way back in the bleachers. I don’t have to wait long for a shock jock or stand-up comedian to slip up with hateful epithets aimed at me and mine. Hate speak against homosexuals is as commonplace as spam. It’s daily traffic for those who profess themselves to be regular Joes, men of God, public servants who live off my tax dollars, as well as any number of celebrities.

In fact, I get a good chuckle whenever someone refers to “the media” as an agent of “the gay agenda.” There are entire channels, like Spike TV, that couldn’t fill an hour of programming if required to remove their sexist and homophobic content. We’ve got a president and a large part of Congress willing to change the Constitution so they can deprive of us our rights because they feel we are not “normal.”

So I’m used to catching foul balls up here in the cheap seats. What I am really enjoying is watching the rest of you act as if you had no idea that prejudice was alive and well in your hearts and minds.

For the past two decades political correctness has been derided as a surrender to thin-skinned, humorless, uptight oversensitive sissies. Well, you anti-politically correct people have won the battle, and we’re all now feasting on the spoils of your victory. During the last few months alone we’ve had a few comedians spout racism, a basketball coach put forth anti-Semitism and several high-profile spoutings of anti-gay epithets.

What surprises me, I guess, is how choosy the anti-P.C. crowd is about which hate speech it will not tolerate. Sure, there were voices of protest when the TV actor Isaiah Washington called a gay colleague a “faggot.” But corporate America didn’t pull its advertising from “Grey’s Anatomy,” as it did with Mr. Imus, did it? And when Ann Coulter likewise tagged a presidential candidate last month, she paid no real price.

In fact, when Bill Maher discussed Ms. Coulter’s remarks on his HBO show, he repeated the slur no fewer than four times himself; each mention, I must note, solicited a laugh from his audience. No one called for any sort of apology from him. (Well, actually, I did, so the following week he only used it once.)

Face it, if a Pentagon general, his salary paid with my tax dollars, can label homosexual acts as “immoral” without a call for his dismissal, who are the moral high and mighty kidding?

Our nation, historically bursting with generosity toward strangers, remains remarkably unkind toward its own. Just under our gleaming patina of inclusiveness, we harbor corroding guts. America, I tell you that it doesn’t matter how many times you brush your teeth. If your insides are rotting your breath will stink. So, how do you people choose which hate to embrace, which to forgive with a wink and a week in rehab, and which to protest? Where’s my copy of that rule book?

Let me cite a non-volatile example of how prejudice can cohabit unchecked with good intentions. I am a huge fan of David Letterman’s. I watch the opening of his show a couple of times a week and have done so for decades. Without fail, in his opening monologue or skit Mr. Letterman makes a joke about someone being fat. I kid you not. Will that destroy our nation? Should he be fired or lose his sponsors? Obviously not.

But I think that there is something deeper going on at the Letterman studio than coincidence. And, as I’ve said, I cite this example simply to illustrate that all kinds of prejudice exist in the human heart. Some are harmless. Some not so harmless. But we need to understand who we are if we wish to change. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should confess to not only being a gay American, but also a fat one. Yes, I’m a double winner.)

I urge you to look around, or better yet, listen around and become aware of the prejudice in everyday life. We are so surrounded by expressions of intolerance that I am in shock and awe that anyone noticed all these recent high-profile instances. Still, I’m gladdened because our no longer being deaf to them may signal their eventual eradication.

The real point is that you cannot harbor malice toward others and then cry foul when someone displays intolerance against you. Prejudice tolerated is intolerance encouraged. Rise up in righteousness when you witness the words and deeds of hate, but only if you are willing to rise up against them all, including your own. Otherwise suffer the slings and arrows of disrespect silently.

Posted at 9:21 PM

April 16, 2007

Really, 24 just keeps getting worse and worse this season. Every one of the first five seasons, all of the seasons before this, I have been riveted by the storylines, even as over-the-top as they became, but this year they simply have passed that invisible line into not only completely ridiculous, but they've somehow managed to make things just ... boring.

Fortunately there are only six episodes left, the last two of which will probably air together, and the real saving grace is that Heroes returns next Monday. I know that 24 surely still has a huge following, but I wonder if enough people will be as disgusted as me to make an impression on FOX to either take the next season in a very drastically different direction (because the same sort of direction they've been going is clearly burned out), or failing that I hope they cancel the show after the end of this current season rather than make it into a joke.

Posted at 9:35 PM

April 15, 2007

Posted at 10:06 PM

April 14, 2007

I could have saved Congress a lot of money. The results of this study are so obvious, so anticipated, and so simply obtained to make me wonder how infinitely more out of touch members of Congress are than I ever suspected. The good news is that the results of this end up proving exactly the opposite of what Bush and the Republicans wanted this study to prove. They wanted to have empirical proof that their "abstinence only" programs, that are funded with millions upon millions of dollars and supplant more useful "safe sex" programs, were supposedly doing what the conservative fundies claimed they did. But lo and behold, they do nothing of the kind.

Not surprisingly these same people immediately dismiss these results, even within this article, as inconclusive, even though the study was done in a range of different situations and over a significant amount of time. Of course logic, facts, and reproduceable studies and results mean nothing to these people. They refuse to see that their holier-than-thou game plans just don't work in the real world. How typical.

Study: Abstinence Programs No Guarantee

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Students who took part in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not, according to a study ordered by Congress.

Also, those who attended one of the four abstinence classes that were reviewed reported having similar numbers of sexual partners as those who did not attend the classes. And they first had sex at about the same age as other students -- 14.9 years, according to Mathematica Policy Research Inc.

The federal government now spends about $176 million annually on abstinence-until-marriage education. Critics have repeatedly said they don't believe the programs are working, and the study will give them reinforcement.

However, Bush administration officials cautioned against drawing sweeping conclusions from the study. They said the four programs reviewed -- among several hundred across the nation -- were some of the very first established after Congress overhauled the nation's welfare laws in 1996.

Officials said one lesson they learned from the study is that the abstinence message should be reinforced in subsequent years to truly affect behavior.

"This report confirms that these interventions are not like vaccines. You can't expect one dose in middle school, or a small dose, to be protective all throughout the youth's high school career," said Harry Wilson, the commissioner of the Family and Youth Services Bureau at the Administration for Children and Families.

For its study, Mathematica looked at students in four abstinence programs around the country as well as students from the same communities who did not participate in the abstinence programs. The 2,057 youths came from big cities -- Miami, Florida, and Milwaukee, Wisconsin -- as well as rural communities -- Powhatan, Virginia, and Clarksdale, Mississippi.

The students who participated in abstinence education did so for one to three years. Their average age was 11 to 12 when they entered the programs back in 1999.

'Two-part story'

Mathematica then did a follow up survey in late 2005 and early 2006. By that time, the average age for participants was about 16.5. Mathematica found that about half of the abstinence students and about half from the control group reported that they remained abstinent.

"I really do think it's a two-part story. First, there is no evidence that the programs increased the rate of sexual abstinence," said Chris Trenholm, a senior researcher at Mathematica who oversaw the study.

"However, the second part of the story that I think is equally important is that we find no evidence that the programs increased the rate of unprotected sex."

Trenholm said his second point of emphasis was important because some critics of abstinence programs have contended that they lead to less frequent use of condoms.

Mathematica's study could have serious implications as Congress considers renewing this summer the block grant program for abstinence education known as Title V.

The federal government has authorized up to $50 million annually for the program. Participating states then provide $3 for every $4 they get from the federal government. Eight states decline to take part in the grant program.

'Clear signal'

Some lawmakers and advocacy groups believe the federal government should use that money for comprehensive sex education, which would include abstinence as a piece of the curriculum.

"Members of Congress need to listen to what the evidence tells us," said William Smith, vice president for public policy at the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, which promotes comprehensive sex education.

"This report should give a clear signal to members of Congress that the program should be changed to support programs that work, or it should end when it expires at the end of June," Smith said.

Smith also said he didn't have trouble making broader generalizations about abstinence programs based on the four reviewed because "this was supposed to be their all-star lineup."

But a trade association for abstinence educators emphasized that the findings represent less than 1 percent of all Title V abstinence projects across the nation.

"This study began when [the programs] were still in their infancy," said Valerie Huber, executive director of the National Abstinence Education Association. "The field of abstinence has significantly grown and evolved since that time, and the results demonstrated in the Mathematica study are not representative of the abstinence education community as a whole."

The four programs differed in many respects. One was voluntary and took place after school. Three had mandatory attendance and served youth during the school day. All offered more than 50 hours of classes. Two were particularly intensive. The young people met every day of the school year.

Common topics included human anatomy and sexually transmitted diseases. Also, classes focused on helping students set personal goals and build self-esteem. The young people were taught to improve communication skills and manage peer pressure.

Posted at 9:47 PM

April 13, 2007

Damn but I could go for a turkey burger right now ...

Posted at 10:08 PM

April 12, 2007

When does it stop being old age and a failing memory and truly become senility. Honestly, with some of the insanity I deal with in regards to my grandma, so much of it simply can't be explained off as her being tired, forgetting, or being easily flustered. She gets all of those things, and they make for sometimes weird and sometimes complicated situations, but those things are to be expected. There are a lot of times lately where it surpasses all of those things together, and you really just have to see it as the onset of senility. Fortunately it's not an 'every minute of every day' thing, but it seems to be heading in that direction. And how the hell do you deal with senility anyhow? It's not as easy as you would think.

Posted at 11:40 PM

April 11, 2007

I'm severely disappointed and pissed off that this woman has gotten barely a light slap on the wrist for her role in supporting and prolonging the caging of children for no valid reason. This whole Gravelle case has driven me crazy because even though the kids have all been safely removed from that horrible home and detestable "parents", nobody is being made to take any responsibility for their transgressions. The Gravelles got away with next to no charges or se3ntencing, and this woman, the inept social worker, gets community service for her role. Community service? You must be kidding me. This is all fucking ridiculous.

Caged Kids' Therapist Sentenced in Huron County
Judge orders probation, loss of license for 5 years

NORWALK, Ohio — Despite the prosecutor’s insistence that she spend at least 200 days in jail, a therapist who failed to report that children she was counseling were being forced to sleep in cages was placed on probation for five years yesterday in Huron County Common Pleas Court.

Elaine Thompson, 64, of Elyria also was ordered to perform 500 hours of community service, pay $2,250 in fines, and surrender her social work license for five years. In an agreement with prosecutors that included the dismissal of 16 felonies, she pleaded guilty in February to three misdemeanor counts of failure to report child abuse or neglect.

“This entire situation has been tragic,” Mrs. Thompson told the court in a brief statement. “I’m sorry for the role that I played in it.”

The licensed independent social worker was indicted in February, 2006, along with Michael and Sharen Gravelle on abuse and neglect charges after investigators found that some of the Gravelles’ 11 adopted special-needs children had been forced to sleep in wood-and-wire cages. The Wakeman, Ohio, couple lost custody of the children last year, and in February they were each sentenced to two years in prison for child endangering and child abuse convictions.

Mrs. Thompson testified at a juvenile court hearing last year that she was initially uneasy about the cages but accepted the Gravelles’ reasoning that they were necessary to control the children’s disruptive behavior and keep them safe at night.

Her attorney, Jay Milano, told the court yesterday that of all the individuals and agencies involved in the Gravelle case, only his client had accepted any fault. Mrs. Thompson, he said, “understood that when that jury found the Gravelles guilty of their crimes that she must accept responsibility for some of this.”

He said she had lost her objectivity while trying to help the family.

“She is a good person in a terrible situation who admits that she erred,” Mr. Milano said.

Huron County Prosecutor Russ Leffler said Mrs. Thompson had a duty to report what she saw in the Gravelles’ home during weekly visits she made there over three years.

“This is the worst form of failure to report child abuse that you can have,” he said. “She was in the home for a lengthy period of time. She saw the conditions and the conditions were terrible.”

Mr. Leffler accused Mrs. Thompson of “choosing the easy path of taking her $100,000 from the county” rather than reporting the abuse and neglect she witnessed in the home.

Mrs. Thompson was hired by the Huron County Department of Job and Family Services to work with some of the Gravelles’ children on behavior issues at the Gravelles’ request. Mr. Leffler said she was paid about $30,000 a year to work with the family.

After listening to arguments on both sides, Judge Earl McGimpsey said he had received and read 85 letters submitted by Mrs. Thompson’s colleagues, clients, parents of other children she had counseled, friends, and relatives. He said all of them spoke of her compassionate approach to helping people.

“She has had a long and exemplary career and that should not be ignored,” the judge said before imposing a suspended 90-day jail sentence.

More than 30 family members and other supporters filled the courtroom for the sentencing. Afterward, they applauded as Mrs. Thompson emerged from a conference room with her attorneys.

Mr. Milano called the sentence a fair one.

“I think Judge McGimpsey did an extraordinary job of understanding Mrs. Thompson’s situation,” he said.

The prosecutor, who was disappointed in the brief prison sentence the judge gave to the Gravelles, said he was not surprised the judge did not send Mrs. Thompson to jail.

“The judge doesn’t see it the way I do,” Mr. Leffler said, adding that he was pleased the judge had at least ordered her to surrender her social work license. “That will protect the public.”

Posted at 2:27 AM

April 10, 2007

For a day without any appointments or errands, today has really exhausted me. It's been a busy past three weeks, and today has been the first day that I didn't have to be totally "on." Maybe with a few days of not having to rush around I might feel somewhat rested, but today I'm not even close.

It's a very tired ending to a very tired day.

Posted at 10:58 PM

April 9, 2007

My sister left this morning, and while that has taken away a major source of frustration, I have not gotten anywhere close to where I was emotionally just a few days ago. Fortunately I haven't been as horribly depressed as I was yesterday, but I've still been quite down, and that stinks. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and be back to not being depressed, even if I wasn't quite happy and satisfied, but I know that won't just magically happen over a single night. I just hope it doesn't take a long, long time to make that sort of recovery.

In a large way I feel like the improvements of the last two months were a waste of time. If I can descend back to the same place I was in just a matter of moments then what was the point in thinking things were looking up and trying to embrace a little hope and try to look toward the future. I'd be better of just getting it all over with right away and save myself another forty years of suffering.

Contrary to what all of this particular entry sounds like, I do feel slightly better today ... just not better enough for it to make me feel like life's anything but the shit that it is. Maybe there's no point in thinking anything other than that. Who gives a shit anyhow?

Posted at 10:15 PM

April 8, 2007

... and the depression returns. Hurray for predictability.

It's amazing that in only a few short hours I could go from relatively happy to so sad and downtrodden that crying jags from missing Ken hit me every half hour or more. Two months of balance now seem gone forever. I think this may truly be all I can ever expect from life.

Posted at 10:14 PM

April 8, 2007

Ladies and gentlemen, may I please have your attention! Rationality has now left the building ...

But probably more importantly, I have once again been smacked in the face (figuratively at least) for not holding true to one of the most important life rules I have learned: Trust no one. True, I really do want to trust people, and it's easy to see that I would once again slip up, but a lifetime of experience has shown, at least in my case, that every time I trust someone to the extent of not even thinking about it, that person burns me - and usually they're someone so close to me, so well-embraced, so beloved, that it hurts even more. And of course this time is no different, and sadly I have no one but myself to blame.

Sure, I could blame the culprit for their transgressions, but the inevitable truth is that I know better. Every time I open myself to someone fully and trust them, I get fucked, and it's happened so many times and in such monstrously devastating ways in my lifetime, that I'm really just a fool for ever allowing such a thing to happen again. It would certainly be nice not to have to be so guarded, to let down walls, to open up, to lean on someone, but why do that if they're just going to take your words and turn them around on you, twist your emotions from confusion to pain, screw you over financially to the best of their ability, and quickly tell everyone the whole thing was somehow your fault before you even have a chance to realize fully what's been going on. Lots of people tell me I should lay all of the blame on the people who did those things, and while I can't say I've ever discounted the guiltiness of any of the people who have hurt me and used me and burned me, I don't see where laying blame really helps me all that much. I've still been lied to, cheated, stolen from, and/or whatever, and that won't change. The best I can do is learn from my own mistakes, and in cases like this my mistake was in ever trusting the person/people I did.

So now I get to work to harden myself a little bit more, which is a travesty in my estimation. Shielding myself from everyone and everything in the world really takes far too much energy and far too much time, and it shuts me out of what should really be the best of things the world has to offer - openness, trust, affection, love, and hope. Yes, I still have all of those things in some ways, but every time you cut even a small part of yourself off from the world or hide a part of yourself then you can't help but take a bit away from your ability to enjoy and embrace each of those things at least just a little bit.

So it's a happy Easter here in hell. This should have been a relaxed, happy day where I got to enjoy my nephew and niece and eat good food and not have to worry about stupid shit. But heck, if that happened I might have a moment of happiness, and we wouldn't want that to happen now, would we?

Life's a crazy thing you know. I wonder how many other people suffer through the same kind of shit I do, and I wonder how many of them just give up or just decide to return the shit their given back upon the world in kind. I have no problem at all seeing why people become serial killers or drug addicts or gang bangers. It would be easy to just say "Fuck it" and take the shit you're given and give it right back and then some. But there are surely a lot of people like me, too, who take that shit and rather than turn it back on people they turn it in, internalizing all of that and trying to deal with it themselves. taking the hurt and trying to keep it from tainting anyone else, whether through cutting or alcoholism or depression or drug use or suicide. With these as your options, it's really not so shocking that I would choose up front not to trust anyone, even though I'd rather not have to do that. In the end the only sure way to avoid a bad situation is to never let it happen in the first place. Clearly I don't have the best success at doing that, but it's better to try than to just let people destroy you without even trying to stop them.

Posted at 11:35 AM

April 7, 2007

It's been a busy day with high and low points to be sure, but the kids (my nephew and niece) have been the highlight throughout. In fact without them it wouldn't have been at all as enjoyable a day.

I realize at times like this how much I'm missing the chance to be a father or a foster parent or a big brother or something like that. I've known what I was missing, and I've wanted that missing part of me given a chance, but it's one thing to think about it and dream about it, and it's another thing to actually feel the joy of sharing a child's perspective and their joy coupled with guiding them and protecting them and caring for them and knowing the happiness of knowing that you are making a difference and making them happier and safer. I get this perspective when my niece and nephew are around, even though it's only twice a year, because I do actually have a significant role in being there for them when they're here. I feel this same feeling to a lesser degree when I'm around Steffen's two little boys or any of Mark's kids, even though I'm not as involved with them and even though I have no sort of supervisory role at all outside of as a caring friend of the family. Still, I can feel the urge to protect them and see that they're happy, and I fully appreciate how happy they can make me just by being kids and being happy in doing the kinds of things that kids do.

So it's been a good day, even with the more frustrating or disappointing moments considered. I see these kids for far, far too short of a period of time each year, but I'm not sure how much more of it I could take without breaking my heart throughout the rest of the year with longing for a chance to be more than just a part-time uncle.

Posted at 10:16 PM

April 6, 2007

My sister, nephew, and niece finally made it here, and just minutes after I cleaned up the mess from my grandma burning up the tea kettle and practically burning the house down (as I've said before - there's never a dull moment here). It's been a busy day, both before they got here and after, but we had a nice dinner together, watched a movie and some TV together, and I've talked to my nephew and niece about a whole bunch of stuff already and they're quite open and responsive, which is nice since you never know when they'll be interested in talking or just treat you like some annoying adult.

We boiled a bunch of eggs so they'll be ready to color tomorrow, and tomorrow's shaping up to be a pretty active day with coloring eggs, seeing the Easter Bunny at the mall, eating lunch out, making homemade potato salad, and (maybe) catching a movie at the theatre. We have our work cut out for us for sure ... but it should be fun. I'll keep you posted ...

Posted at 11:11 PM

April 5, 2007

I've had better.

Posted at 11:22 PM

April 4, 2007

So now my sister isn't coming until Friday ... again. That had been the original plan, of course. That's the way she usually does the Easter trip - driving from Maryland on Friday, getting here well into the evening, staying through the weekend, and leaving early Monday morning to drive back to Maryland. For only really two days it hardly seems worth it, but it's one of the only two times a year I see my sister or my nephew and niece, so I guess I have to take what little I can get.

Things had changed this year because my niece, already able to get whatever she wants by turning on the sad face and working her audience, wanted to visit longer since she "never gets to see GG and Uncle Paul." So my sister decided to step things up to leaving Thursday, a whole day earlier. You would have thought that she had to move mountains to do so, but I wasn't complaining - three days is one and a half times as long as just two. So they were supposed to get here around dinner time or later tomorrow, but now that's not the case. It figures in a way, because I've been driving myself like mad all week to get things done, and today was the pinnacle of my exertions.

I was up far too early to get fully ready for the day and get my grandma ready as well. I got my grandma finished up and into the car to take her to the YMCA for her senior pool aerobics class, and she informed me as we were driving there (a bit later than the time we should have left) that she didn't think she'd go with the ladies in her class to lunch because it was "too far out" (that means it was the same amount of miles away from the house as the place they usually go, but in a different direction). This, of course (and I say of course because she invariably does whatever makes things more difficult) ... this of course meant that I would have to get gas and groceries and get them back to the house and put away and get back to the YMCA to pick her up all within the less than one hour and forty minutes I then had left. Yea.

So somehow (by breaking every speed limit and racing through Meijer and having to forgo getting things I would have liked to have bought) I made it back right on time. Of course I haven't mentioned the argument she started before we left the house, or the argument in the car on the way there, nor have I mentioned any of the idiocy spewed from her mouth today, but if I went over the memory lapses and the senility and the belligerence and the belittling that happened each day I wouldn't have anyone left reading this damn journal.

I got laundry started after we got back, and there's still a load drying now as I type this, and the machines have been running non-stop all day. I've also completely cleaned my floor of the house, and I only just finished that about a half hour ago (and I only just started typing after a much-needed shower). I'd still like to clean the windows on my floor, but I may only clean the insides since it's bitterly cold and has been snowing most of the afternoon and evening today, and tomorrow is shaping up to be a similar disappointment.

I've got to take my grandma to the dentist tomorrow and run a number of other errands, most of which are to wrap things up before my sister gets here.

I'm wondering when I'll ever get a full night's sleep again, and I'm wondering how long I'll be able to put up with my grandma being a nasty old bitty as she has been for this past week. Honestly she's stressing me out, and she's completely fucking up the progress I was making at losing weight. If I were to get enough sleep or not have to run around like mad to get things done during the day or not have to watch my grandma's every move or not have to have every conversation with her turn into an argument - even if I just one of those things didn't happen each day rather than all of them - then I might be able to bear it. But putting up with all of it, while I'm tired and stressed and belittled and disrespected and bitched at ... I really don't see myself staying here much longer because I can't really see trying to be nice to someone who's being a complete asshole to me. She's certainly not the woman I loved in my childhood, and while those memories have in the past been the whole reason behind putting up with the difficulties of things in this job as caregiver, I think that there's been a shift in how I feel about my grandma lately, and I can easily say I dislike who she is now much of the time. If I stay here too much longer I have no doubt at all that I will come to hate her, and that would truly be a sad thing indeed - deserved, yes ... but sad.

Posted at 11:08 PM

April 3, 2007

So tired. So much still to do. So little time. So it goes.

Posted at 9:51 PM

April 2, 2007

Can 24 get any more boring this year?

Posted at 11:09 PM

April 1, 2007

It's my friend Mark's birthday! No foolin'!

I joined my friends in Toledo today, and I picked up a birthday cookie, specially decorated for Mark for the big 3-9, and we had a pretty good time. I was ready to rip my hair out from having to watch them eat some of that cookie as well as the cheesy bread and pizza they had ordered. Me, I got a very small helping of a tuna and rice mixture I'd made and brought with me. It's tasty, but it was really inadequate when I looked around me (how much longer my will power will last in this semi-diet is anyone's guess). The night passed pretty quickly, and I was heading back to Sandusky in what seemed like very little time at all. I wish things had lasted longer, but you only get so much, sadly.

I was tired as I drove back, though, because I had to get up early to take my grandma to church and then go back and pick her up, and I've had a headache all day, largely from the lack of sleep I've been enduring each and every day of the week (Saturday I slept in to 9:30, and that helped, but not enough). Were that not bad enough, I came back to the house to find food that should have been in the refrigerator left out on the counters, dirty dishes everywhere, newspaper pages everywhere, ... heck, little bits of everything were everywhere. My grandma apparently had one of her 'spaced out' days where she's not really with it, and of course it had to be on a day I was gone half of the time. She had all of this stuff all over, said she was really tired, but even then, at after 11:30 PM, she wasn't ready for bed in the slightest way, and her routine (which she won't go to bed until she completes) would take her another hour and a half at least. And she is planning to get up early tomorrow to go to the YMCA, so she won't have much sleep at all tonight - meaning she'll be even more exhausted tomorrow. And then she'll wonder why she's so tired, as if there's really any mystery to it.

I tell you, I really need these trips to visit my friends, to get a chance to get away and be free of things for just a few hours, but lately all of the relief and relaxation I get from going away is not only voided by the situation when I return to Sandusky, but more often than not my grandma leaves me feeling even more worn out, exasperated, and frustrated than if I'd never left at all. It's really driving me crazy.

So the joke's on me, apparently, for April Fool's Day. Ha - fucking - ha. Somebody's sense of humor really sucks ...

Posted at 12:25 AM

previous | archives index | next
home | archives | bio | stories | poetry | links | guestbook | message board