| home
| archives
| bio | stories
| poetry |
links | guestbook
| message board January 2011
Much pain. Posted at 11:48 AM
Was Popeye the Silver Age version of Goku? Think about it. Posted at 9:06 PM
Okay. I'm over winter. Let's move on. Posted at 12:58 PM
There is much to be said for life having been better when you were younger, less learned, and not as wise. It makes you question the full value of knowledge and maturity. Posted at 12:53 PM
I need a break. Posted at 11:00 AM
Nothing will ever be right again ... yet knowing that doesn't make the wrongness of everything any easier to bear. Posted at 3:54 PM
I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night, and my recurring migraine amped up to 11 today and doesn't dim no mater how many migraine pills I take. They weren't kidding when they said misery loves company. Posted at 6:35 PM
I'm very sad and growing further upset. My good friends Steve and Mark drove from Toledo to see me today, and that was great since I haven't seen either of them in about a year. Unfortunately what was already supposed to be a late start for them became an even later start, and they had to turn around and head back after barely more than a half an hour. It was good to see them, but it was disappointing to have such a foreshortened visit. I was happy from seeing them but sad to see them go and without much of a real visit. It was further distressing in that the impetus for their visit was to borrow two folders of reference notes of mine for a D&D campaign they're restarting - without me. I was disappointed that I wouldn't be part of the renewed campaign, and I couldn't help but feel a bit like 'if not for needing the notes I might never have seen either Mark or Steve for months.' That alone I could have dealt with, but after they left I came across upsetting news. I continued a project I've ben working on to update my computer Address Book so that I'm a bit more set for the new iPhone I hope to have soon, and as part of that I've been searching for updated address info and also photos. I came across two listings online for my friend Karl in Chicago and was shocked to learn he had died - and almost two years ago - and I'd had no idea. Now I not only miss Karl and feel upset that he's gone, but I feel horrible that I simply had no idea for so long. I keep growing more upset as the night progresses. Partly to finish what I'd started but also partly to distract myself from the news about Karl, I continued my work updating my Address Book, and I came to my nephew's Facebook page. Now as a general rule I avoid Facebook because it's evil, but in my quest to find photos for people to add to my Address Book files, Facebook has been a very useful source. My nephew - age 16 - has a lot of stuff on Facebook (no surprise for his age), but I was amazed to find photos of him with dyed hair and in photos where he was doubled over with laughter. They were joyous, wonderful pictures, but they were things I'd never seen. My nephew isn't stuffy or shy when he visits, but he has never shown even a portion of that joy or mirth when he's been here - ever. And I've never heard once about him dying his hair, although it really looks very cool on him. I feel very out of touch and distant from my nephew, and while I've always realized we've not had a very close relationship, this just makes it even more painfully obvious how much I'm truly missing and will never share with him. I feel like I'm losing everyone. My greatest loves and my greatest friends die. Dozen of other friends whom I love dearly are incredibly out of touch with me, and I've given up trying to renew contact with many of them because the lack of response is very upsetting. And even those few friends I still have close contact with I only hear from every couple months, usually via e.mail, and usually as a response to an e.mail I sent. The great Network, the fabulous band of friends I had that I would do anything for and expected to be close to forever ... are like dust in the wind. I sit here alone, friendless, helpless, and hopeless, and it will only get worse as those who remain grow more distant ... or die. Why am I still here? Posted at 11:59 PM
This month is passing quickly. I'm not sure whether that's good or bad. I do know that I wish it were passing slowly and I saw that as good. That would be the best. Posted at 11:41 AM
Kill me now, quickly. Posted at 12:44 PM
I'd rather deal with a four year old child rather than a 96 year old woman. They might largely act the same, but at least the child is likely to become more attentive and better behaved. Posted at 2:17 PM
I think I must have a new allergy. There's just simply too much sinus drainage this winter to be anything else. It's not a cold, and it doesn't escalate to a sore throat, but I'm coughing all the time to dislodge snotty sinus drippings running down my throat . Yum. The cough isn't a problem, but it is frustrating. I could certainly do without it. Just one more annoyance. Posted at 12:01 PM
Snow with an underlying layer of ice. Great. Posted at 11:18 AM
Please just tell me that she hasn't been sleeping the whole night through and is therefore just tired and that this isn't the way she's going to always be from now on and that she'll get better ... or make up some other lie of you have to, so that I won't feel so completely hopeless about this miserable situation caring for my grandma that I just completely lose all last vestiges of sanity. Posted at 10:36 AM
I had a dream ... but the world shit on it. Posted at 12:21 PM
Still no joy. Posted at 11:23 AM
I'm jonesing for Gilligan's Island. Why the hell isn't this on anywhere? Posted at 12:37 PM
It's frustratingly impossible to tell when my grandma is actually afraid from the senility or just playing afraid to get attention or get you to do something her way, and this is just one of a whole number of situations where I know that at least in some instances she's play-acting or outright lying to manipulate me or others. I'm quite sick and tired of this, and now I'm even questioning whether there's any effect from dementia at all or just a manipulative old bitch. This is not the way things could be, and just like the boy who cried wolf, I wonder when this is going to come back to bite my grandma in the ass. Posted at 3:35 PM
Half way through the month and so far I still haven't had an of the so-called "free days" when my grandma goes to adult day care and I get to - supposedly - relax. Instead I keep ending up with errands and tasks to do the whole day. I will admit that today I did have a little free time between about 1:30 and just before 4:00 PM, so I should be happy, right? well, 2.5 hours of free time for the month, considering I work essentially 7 Am 'til 11 PM every day without help ... it's really not the stuff hapiness is made from. Posted at 5:09 PM
Is nobody ever on time any more? Is that not an expected part of proper business procedure and even just plain and simple cordiality? I don't mean a party or such, where it's acceptable and even almost expected to be "fashionably late." No, I'm talking about people who are being paid to provide services to you. What's the point in scheduling an appointment in the first place if people don't show up at that time? and what's so difficult about calling to say you'll be late (or, rarely, early)? I know you have a cell phone, people! In the situation I'm in with my grandma, it would actually be more helpful to not provide your services at all if you can't be on time. We'll find a way to get by without you, but we can't work around your schedule - that's why we arranged a specific time with you!!! Posted at 2:35 PM
It's funny - and sad - because it's true.
Posted at 11:30 AM
There really should be a way to quit this job. Posted at 3:17 PM
I've been struggling to stay awake much of the day. It's been more of a challenge than usual, and that's saying something. So ... that's it. No hope of more sleep. No chance for a nap. No nothin'. Just sayin', that's all. Posted at 7:54 PM
A little background: the second floor of my grandma's house, where I sleep and live when not caring for my grandma, is almost like it's own apartment. It's about 1000 square feet with a master bedroom with a walk-in closet and a second bedroom with a large closet, plus a small bathroom, a decent sized family/living room, and a small kitchen. The kitchen has little counter or cabinet space but is sufficient, and it has a full-sized stove and oven. The refrigerator is what is considered full-sized with a full separate freezer, but it's just about as small as you can get a refrigerator at only about 15 cubic feet. Why am I telling you all of this? Well, to make things a bit more detailed so you know more about me, but more specifically because the refrigerator has become a problem lately. The fridge is over 24 years old now, and it's been showing it's age for the last couple years. It doesn't keep as cool in the fridge or freezer as it should, and the plastic on the door has become old and brittle and begun to crack. On Christmas it got worse - the freezer pretty much refused to do anything and the fridge stayed barely cooler than room temperature, and a steady drip kept coming from the front corner. That drip was internal defrosting and it eventually stopped, and the repairman who came in (after the fuck-up in scheduling was resolved) told me it was a defrost sensor that sets the unit to defrost about every 6-8 hours. It broke and never told the unit to go back to cooling. Replacing the part plus labor would have cost $270 (this on top of the $80 for the service evaluation). Having already looked up some prices on new units, it seemed ridiculous to pay that much for a repair, so I sent away the repairman (who would have had to order the part anyhow), and planned to scope out new fridges when possible. I did research on the Net and followed up on Tuesday and Thursday while my grandma was at the adult day care center, and after a lot of running around and comparing and recomparing, I placed an order at ABC Warehouse, and they were set to deliver Saturday - today! Things actually worked out well for timing. I had my grandma ready and snow shoveled and me cleaned up by the time they arrived, and I had furniture moved out of the way and stuff ready. But of course things were set up to flow too smoothly, so the universe decided to screw it up by having the new fridge show up with two quite significant creases along one side heading all the way to the back of the unit, one crease near the compressor. The brand I bought has a short warranty term, and I was leery of taking a damaged unit due to that, and with only an offer of $20 as a discount to cover the damage, I told them to take it back and get a new one. They did take away the old dead refrigerator, but now I have nothing - until Tuesday (assuming I fit into the delivery schedule). Tuesday might work out well since it is one of the days my grandma is at adult day care, but that's assuming that it does come on Tuesday and assuming it doesn't come until 9 AM or later. We'll see. Hopefully it will work out. Still, it's maddening that yet again I'm finding another one of these "free days" that I'm supposedly getting now being compromised by a bunch of stuff having to be done and little to no real "free time" coming out of it at all. What will happen next? Turn in Tuesday for the continuing saga of 'How the Universe fucks with my life' - coming soon to a pity party near you. Posted at 12:59 PM
Welcome to Hell ... we'll be here all week ... Posted at 12:59 PM
I hate snow. Posted at 8:08 PM
My grandmother and my own physical pain seem to go together hand-in-hand. Isn't the mental and emotional pain enough? Posted at 6:48 PM
I give up. I have nothing to say that isn't whiny, so I'll just leave it at this. Posted at 8:36 PM
My mom heads back to Alabama early tomorrow morning, so I'll be back to taking care of my grandma every minute of the day again - and probably will be going solo in my caregiving for two or three more months. Today was a non-stop push to get all sorts of stuff done while somebody else could watch my grandma, so I had a refrigerator repairman tell me I could pay for a part and labor to the tune of the price of 3/4 of a new refrigerator; washed laundry from 10 AM 'til 7 PM; cleaned house; filled out various forms I've put aside over the past two months; did my taxes (which you can do this early when your income is $0); took care of various banking; prepped a grocery list for my shopping excursion this week; and set things up for my return to caregiving tomorrow, all around the various little tasks that come up during any given day. One last day of light duty - even some amount of rest - would have been extremely nice and extremely welcomed today, but doing that would have meant all of what I did get done today would be waiting for me to do and would take five times as long worked around caring for my grandma ... so it was best to get all of that done, even if I am exhausted and unlikely to have any real sort of true break for a while. At least I have my grandma going back to adult day care again this week, but that's just a few hours each day during the less difficult times of the daily caregiving tasks. Oh well. At least I'll have a few hours off a couple days a week. That will be new, and certainly better than nothing - which is what I had before. Posted at 7:52 PM
Soooooo tired. I really need sleep ... somehow. I have no idea how to make that happen, but I really do need sleep. Posted at 11:25 PM
11:01:01 01-01-11 Posted at 11:01 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © January 2011
|
January 31, 2011
