| home
| archives
| bio | stories
| poetry |
links | guestbook
| message board December 2012
Endings and beginnings ... the story of life. Posted at 10:19 AM
What's the point of living if you don't dream? But what's the point of dreaming if you can't live? Posted at 9:52 AM
... and the snow keeps coming ... Posted at 9:48 AM
This time, a couple days after Christmas and a couple days before New Year's, was once the happiest and most exciting time of my life. The joy of giving and receiving from Christmas still glowing in me and the eager anticipation of seeing my best friends - some of whom I'd only see on New Year's - when we all gathered together for my New Year's Eve Dungeons and Dragons All-Nighter Party, which for twenty years was always a blast ... until my friends, mostly married, withdrew from attending (until nobody came at all) and withdrew from all of the rest of my life as well. I hope their wives are that fulfilling that they could replace their closest friends, but hey - that's life. Anyhow, I miss that joy and excitement. After years of trying and hoping to have that again - or anything even close - I've quite well given up thinking it can ever come again. Adulthood - if not for me then for everyone else - has forced responsibility and stagnation to kill true joy and replace it with contentment, a feeling that can deceptively seem like joy but is really not even close. It's sad that I'm one of the few people who see that. Honestly it's sad that I see it at all. I'd much rather be complacent and blind like everybody else rather than remembering how incredible it could and should be every day of your life. You are only miserable if you understand and remember how good it was and could be compared to the way it actually is. Posted at 11:49 AM
Sure ... I'm gone for a whole week and there's no worries about Winter weather. I get back and within a couple days I have to go out and shovel snow. Dandy. Posted at 9:53 AM
My sister and I both learned to play instruments and both love music, but my sister's family is all quite musical. My brother-in-law is an accomplished trumpet player who has managed to have a full-time job as a commuter science engineer but also practice his horn every day and perform one or more times a week at churches, in community bands and symphonies, as part of pit orchestras, and part of various quartets or small performance groups. He has met and made connections with a simply huge number of musicians - including some very big names - and he has passed his enthusiasm for music on throughout the family. My nephew and niece both play piano, my niece also plays a bit of drums and percussion and has learned the basics of guitar, although she's not enthusiastic about it. Both my nephew and niece also sing and have been in countless musicals, but my nephew is truly the shining star for singing. He has been taking voice lessons to further train his voice, and he has had the lead in a number of school and community musicals, and he has been named to this year's Maryland All-State Choir. He's planning to pursue Voice and/or musical theatre at college when he heads off net year, and he'll likely go far. During my stay last week I was able to take in a number of performances. I took my nephew to voice lessons and subsequently viewed the videos that were taken the day after for pre-performance submissions for college music programs. My niece had a piano recital Wednesday night and performed Friday night with my sister as part of a bell choir at their church during a five-church open house and tour. My brother-in-law performed two trumpet solos at that same church open house as well. I've missed countless such performances over the years, and it was truly a treat to be able to see each of them performing so wonderfully and with such enthusiasm. I regret that I was unable to manage a way to keep performing after high school, and I applaud my brother-in-law not only for finding a way to make it work for himself but for also getting my sister to get back into performing after years like me of having put it aside, and I applaud both of them for supporting both of their kids in any and all musical instruments they choose to learn. That's the way to should always be, and they made it happen. Posted at 10:59 AM
Howdy Ho! Merry Christmas everybody! (You'all smell like flowers.) Posted at 9:50 AM
The thing about my sister and her family life is that there is constantly places to go and things to do. My sister herself is a major type-A workaholic and both my nephew and niece are being set up to be the same way with more extracurricular activities, school programs, musical performances, applications to be filed, and whatnot. It's amazing my sister can even keep track of everything and keep a schedule let alone get everyone every place they need to go. IN fact just during the week I was there I drove my nephew to a couple appointments and some movies (one with his sister, one without); I got my niece and nephew to help finish decorating the Christmas tree (which my sister had "on her list" but was never going to have time to do; helped my niece make chocolates, chocolate chip cookies, and Christmas cookies (although we made so many they still have to be iced). I helped lean things up where I could while trying not to be overstepping my bounds, and I would happily have helped with a number of other projects that needed to be done for Christmas but time just ran out. And that's the bottom line for my sister throughout the year - time runs out. My sister has sleep deprivation (clinically proven but no surprise to anyone in the family) and a lot of stress just from trying to keep up, and while I'm amazed that she juggles all that she does for herself and her family, I have to wonder if she's physically hurting herself in the long-run by leading a life that is constantly like this. For myself, I couldn't do it. I have no fear or objection to hard work, and I in fact take pride in anything I do and find satisfaction at my accomplishments, but I don't believe I could mentally maintain the pace my sister does. I would rather have more time away from work to spend with my kids while I have the chance if I were her, and I would make sure my kids had time to dream and create in downtime separate from events and obligations. The way my sister has pushed herself and those around her is how she has succeeded, by and large, but that success comes with a lot of sacrifices, and I know that I would be spending loving time with my husband and my kids and making sure I was getting enough sleep that I wasn't tired or frustrated or even so that I wouldn't fall asleep during TV shows and movies in the time I did spend with my family. It's easy for me to say, of course, because I have none of what my sister has, and who am I to say what works best. But my nephew heads to college next year, and her chances to watch him or do things with him day to day are going to disappear. Even as an uncle, I'd give whatever I could to have as much time as I could with him before he moves out into the adult world because I know how all contact diminishes once you head to college, slowly at first but with increasing speed and extent. In five years he could be anywhere and making a completely new life, and if he's any significant distance from his family then how often will we see him? Posted at 1:34 PM
I've spent the past week visiting with my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and niece at their home in Maryland. I haven't been posting about the day-to-day details since I was concerned there might be readers who would take advantage of my not being at home (or even in-state) for a week. Hopefully there aren't many (or any) people like that reading my site, but you never know. I'll write more about the visit over the next few days, but suffice it to say that I was very comfortable and felt very welcomed. I miss being there, but I have to respect that my sister and her family lead their own lives - full, satisfying lives. I'm happy for them, and I'm glad they are all able to create enjoyable, exciting, fulfilling lives for themselves. I wish I had ever been as successful at making my life fulfilling, but my lack of a satisfying life doesn't diminish the happiness I have from seeing them all do so well. It is still true: I'm always happiest when I see people happy, particularly if I've been able to be a part of making that happiness for them. In small ways I helped them this week, but by and large they're managing to make it all happen themselves - or with each others' support. Posted at 9:13 PM
Damn. The world didn't end. What's a guy gotta do to catch a break? Posted at 11:14 AM
12-21-12. Time for a good ol' Mayan apocalypse. Then I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job anymore. Posted at 9:43 AM
'Tis the season to be seasonally affected, Posted at 10:55 AM
I don't like myself much sometimes. Posted at 10:07 AM
I saw The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey today at the theatre. While I can't comment on how effective the 3-D is at normal or double frame rates (because I saw it in plain on Digital standard), I can say with confidence that any critics who were disappointed in the pacing or tone were crazy. The pacing was good, fairly even and smooth, and while not quite as swift-moving as the book (which itself was pretty relaxed) I think the decision to spend a little more time to add clarification of some details and a more broad depiction of certain background stories was not only enjoyable but will allow for a better set-up in the two remaining films of the Hobbit trilogy, thus hopefully keeping them from being bogged down with background and slowed down as a result. The characters were all enjoyable - relatable even since there are connections with a number of characters who star in the Lord of the Rings. I'll admit that outside of Thorin the dwarves largely are indiscriminate and impossible to remember all of their names (although I remember as a teenager being able to rattle all of them off without a problem). The standout performance was by Sylvester McCoy (the Seventh Doctor from Doctor Who) and here as Rhadaghast the Brown, a wizard peer of Gandalf's. McCoy did a wonderful job making Rhadaghast memorable and loveable - quite a task when placed in direct comparison with Ian MacKellan's Gandalf. It was a pleasure to watch the two together. Action-wise there is plenty to appeal to those who enjoyed the battle-scenes in Lord of The Rings, and those who felt the spaces between battles were too few or too long honestly must just want constant battle and not a story because those breaks were where all of the story and character interaction played out (well, almost all of it). My one big gripe is that the CGI for the worgs and the orc leader made them less realistic than the other orcs or goblins. Even the trolls, while not great CGI were better than the orc leader, and as the main bad guy that's regrettable. After such amazing CGI creatures throughout the Lord of the Rings and a decent number of quite well-done creatures in this film, it was disappointing that such visible, notable figures would be disappointing. Now the big problem is having to wait so long until the next Hobbit movie comes out. It's going to be quite a while, and I simply can't wait. Posted at 3:11 PM
Headache today of epic proportions following a night of minimal sleep (cause or effect - who knows?). Life goes on apace. Posted at 11:56 AM
I don't like these dark mornings. It should be a least subtly light from sun when you wake up and rise. Otherwise it doesn't feel right at all. Posted at 7:33 AM
I am deeply saddened by the tragic elementary school shooting in Connecticut, but I am pissed off at every pundit, columnist, and commentator that keeps acting and speaking like only a parent can understand how tragic this is. It would be one thing to say, "If my children had been in that school I would have been terrified/devastated/etc.", but that's never what they say. It's always, "As a parent you can understand ..." or "Only a parent can understand ...". Even the people who are openly not parents couch this in the same rhetoric with, "I'm not a parent myself but I have a nephew about the age of those children, so ..." What the fuck is wrong with you people? It's bad enough you're insulting me and others without children as if we can't possible understand this or feel the pain of such a tragedy, but it also makes me wonder how little humanity so many of you seem to possess. Is the only reason you can feel saddened by this nightmare that you can only imagine how you'd feel if it was your child? Can you not simply understand feel the pain and loss that another human being has been killed, a sweet, innocent child who never hurt anyone? Do you have so little compassion or humanity that you can only feel sorrow at this if you imagine how it would feel if it were connected to you? Are you so selfish and self-centered that you don't feel connected to the rest of the human race, only those in your inner circle of family and friends? I know many (maybe even most) of these people haven't thought about what they're saying and how they're saying it; and I am willing to believe (to hope) that at least some of them don't truly mean this the way it comes out, but it is unthinkable to me - beyond shocking and thoughtless - that this horror is repeatedly and almost solely addressed as somehow worse or only understandable by a parent. Fuck you, assholes. It's horrible for all of us, whether we have children or not. Perhaps it's even worse for us without children. We haven't shared those years of joy and love that you've received from your children, so we not only feel the loss of those poor innocent souls but we have no children to hug and hold, no happy memories to hold tight and cherish. We have only that deep abiding empty hole of loss eating at the center of our being. This is a tragedy for everyone. Lives have been lost and they can never be replaced. You shouldn't have to be a parent to feel the grief from that. Posted at 9:46 AM
Tired of it all and wondering how to continue. Very tired, really. Posted at 10:11 AM
Strange days. Posted at 10:01 AM
Even Mr. Blue Sky doesn't cheer me today. Posted at 9:34 AM
There's nothing to write about in an empty life. Posted at 10:09 AM
I used to love this time of year. Posted at 2:42 PM
Despicable Me was on TV last night, allowing me a chance to finally see it. I enjoyed it quite a bit, more in fact for the underlying rather subtle messages than even for the plot or various in-the-moment gags. I enjoyed the whole thing, as I said, but I wonder if others picked up on the message of how important and formative it is to children to have their parents support and believe in them - particularly in their dreams, no matter how unlikely. This, to my mind, is of ultimate importance to raising children yet it is so often blown off or denigrated. I hope many people saw this in the movie and took it to heart. There is too much of this realization missing in the world. Posted at 11:09 AM
Tired and stiff and lethargic - fun times in Sandusky. Posted at 10:59 AM
I miss my youthful naivety and my belief that things can get better. Misguided or not it was still comforting. Posted at 10:44 AM
My health is deteriorating and I know it. Since my grandmother died six months ago I have dieted, relapsed, dieted, and relapsed again, losing and regaining twenty-five pounds twice and inevitably even gaining another eight or nine pounds as well. The weight alone isn't such an issue. I've become much less active without the constant activity and care I was giving to my grandma, and searching for a job - while time-consuming and nerve-racking - does nothing to get me moving or do anything remotely like exercise. As a result I've lost a fair amount of muscle mass and strength and - most telling - my cardiovascular system has become much weaker. I get winded if I run up the stairs rather than walk; I get winded if I run from the car to a store. I'm even short of breath at various times for no clear reason whatsoever, just feeling like I can't get a proper lung-full of air to sate me no matter how much I try. This morning I've been short of breath most of the time I've been awake. It's never gone this long so it's annoying. Should I be worried, concerned about my health? Well by most standards yes, but to be honest I'm not exaggerating to say I really have nothing to live for. Heck, for years I've at times hoped death would come and just end what is by-and-large a miserable existence. So, "No," I'm not concerned in a certain sense. Yes, I'd much rather be comfortable and enjoy better health and well-being because I certainly don't look forward to any pain or suffering on my part (or anyone's for that matter), but I find it difficult to get very stirred up about this. My biggest concern, if anything, is that I should perhaps work up a will and get it filed, but that doesn't seem incredibly important either. All of this is not to draw sympathy or upset any of you who read my Journal; it's more just to have some transparency about what's going on with me. I suppose, too, it's to give some hint what may have happened if I stop posting my daily drivel on this site - this would be the likely bet. For now I'm alive and not in any pain and doing fine - just frustrated by the inconveniences of age, a sedentary lifestyle, and an unrewarding life. And I have nobody to blame for just about any of that but myself, but I honestly don't have the energy or the motivation - or hope - to make any effort at living a longer life. Because what would be the point? More time being miserable? I don't think so. Posted at 10:01 AM
Everyone experiences wanting something they can never have - and they survive - but how do you survive a lifetime of wantings without even a single return? No amazing opportunities offered, no great investments secured, no dreams realized, no true loves returned. What do you do when the best you've ever had is mediocrity and that only fleetingly? Why do you endure when the best you receive is the least and nearly worst you can imagine? Posted at 10:39 AM
Down, down, down ... How low can he go? Posted at 10:40 AM
Aspiring hermit seeking low-rent cave, contact me at your earliest convenience. Posted at 11:09 AM
I finally saw Inception last night for the first time. It held my attention (which is saying something considering my usual multitasking existence), but I was not wowed by it like people seemed to be when it was in the theatres. I also had no trouble following it from reality to reality as some people had claimed to have difficulty doing. Overall it was interesting but not something I care if I ever see again. What was all the hype about? Posted at 11:31 AM
What's the opposite of the purpose-driven life? I'm just looking for a simple, brief phrase like that to describe my own life ... should anyone ever care, that is. Posted at 10:14 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © December 2012
|
December 31, 2012
