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| message board December 2013
Last night was my first night in the apartment. Results are mixed. I will say that even though I'm still exhausted and achy and stiff, it was great not to have to drive that hour back to Sandusky, struggling to stay awake. I'd had an offer of free shelving a weeks or so ago and while it took a while for them to be found, I now have them. Unfortunately they've been disassembled and have no instructions and may not have all of the necessary hardware, but they're in decent shape and cost me no cash, so how can I argue? I managed to cobble together two of them - very slowly and with a lot of head scratching, and almost impossibly considering what I had to go through to get enough space to work on putting them together on cleared floor space. I gave up after 9 PM and will try again today and see how many more I can get from the materials I have - I'm guessing two to four more depending upon how much of the materials are there to do so. After I stopped on the shelves - sporting a gushing cut on the outside of my right ankle - I took a shower (to loosen my muscles more than clean up) and put on lots of the StopPain muscle ointment I've been using. This was the first time I've used the shower short of when I scrubbed it clean last week, and while I'm not thrilled with the shower head, it works and isn't bad. On the plus side, the water here in Toledo is (I had forgotten) not as hard as it is in Sandusky, so it feels a little different on my body but more importantly won't be likely to build up calcium crust everywhere over time. I caught up on processing some receipts and checking e.mail and surfing the 'Net even a bit, all while watching some TV on a limited but decent set of TV stations. In Sandusky I had basic cable but also access to the digital over-air broadcast channels for Cleveland and Toledo. Back when I last lived in Toledo, before over-air broadcasts had been converted to digital, I could get Toledo, Bowling Green, and most Detroit stations - I even got a WIndsor, Canada station on clear days. Now, with digital, it seems I can't get anything but Toledo - not even Bowling Green, maybe 20 miles or so away. And BG is only a PBS station at the university and has almost identical programming to Toledo's PBS station, but PBS has three digital subchannels each, and I know BG's PBS always had some of their own programming which would surely show up now and again. So ... the TV options are okay but a little disappointing. The big things I'll miss is the one I only had for the last couple months, Antenna TV, which is available variously across the country and was one of the Cleveland broadcast subchannels, but is not provided here. Oh well, what can you do. Sleeping, last night, was a huge improvement. My queen-sized bed is infinitely better than a twin-sized air mattress like I used in Sandusky the past week, and while I would have been even happier with more sleep than I got, I pulled in about 7 hours last night - more than any night in the past week and a half and pretty much what I would normally get in a night, and I only woke up twice during the night rather than three to six times as has been the case for the past week-and-a-half. Better sleep, if it continues, should do amazing things for how I feel. And that brings us up to this morning. I woke up feeling like hell from pain and stiffness, but slightly less shaky from having had a little more sleep. I broke the toilet seat using it for the first time (a first for me - I've never broken a toilet seat), so I'll have to get a new one of those and replace it (and hopefully never have that problem again). I had a bit of trouble making room to stretch this morning - and once everything is all placed and cleaned up that will remain a problem to some extent) but I managed, and that was good. I'm about to have breakfast after I upload this, and I know from fixing last night's dinner that the microwave works fine here and of course the sink and refrigerator and everything work (even if they're a bit dinged up as apartment appliances tend to be). So the verdict is that the apartment will work - eventually it will work better, once everything is in place and cleaned up and I've gotten comfortable with where things are - and while it could be better it could be much worse. I have much to do in here still, and today I will try to finish with the shelving and with getting my desk set up, at which point I'll have just about all furniture placed and just have to unpack boxes of books, CDs and DVDs onto shelves (there are some other things to be done on the unpacking/set-up front, but they're all small things). What I hope (and really need) to get to tonight and tomorrow is work on the computer - changing addresses, notifying friends and family of the move, updating banking and utilities stuff, and all the various paperwork aspects of things that I've not so much been avoiding but haven't had the time to do around the physical moving things) There's a lot of that stuff to do, so I need to jump on it. And who knows when or if I'll ever have this stuff all done ... Posted at 8:29 AM
I drove back to sandusky two nights ago (Saturday night) and stayed through all day yesterday to help sort and pack and throw away and donate a bunch of stuff. My parents and I together got through a great deal of stuff, sorting out the basement and garage quite well, and getting a fair amount of trash and a huge amount of items that we took to Goodwill. There are still many things left to clear out, but we've reached a point where everything else has to be left until my sister can come in for a couple days next weekend and choose what she wants, some of which will be debated with my mother or I for who takes certain items (the big items of contention are Christmas ornaments and decorations, everything else has already been outright given to my sister regardless of my desires (literally, every single item my sister has said she wanted, regardless of my expressed desire, has gone to my sister)). After my sister comes and goes my parents will have to pack up the remaining items that they aren't taking for themselves and take all of that to Goodwill in another large donation. Then they can clean in the last few days before the closing. It sounds like a lot, but honestly the worst of things for them is done, and they have two and a half weeks to do what needs to be done in a relaxed manner. I, on the other hand, still have an apartment full of boxes of stuff. I'll be headed back to Toledo later this morning with a car jam-packed full of hanging clothes, suits, coats, my MacBook Pro, and a bunch of the toiletries and cooking items I've kept to use here during these last few days. The downside of helping sort through everything in the basement and garage was that there were new items pulled out and suggested that I take, so I also have a couple boxes of small items in the car and there are a laundry basket, a painting, and a plant pedestal still left that won't fit in the car. I'll have to pick them up next weekend when I come to go through the Christmas things and the photos with my sister, so I can get things without having to come back until then, but it's frustrating in a way, too. I had hoped today would see pretty much everything moved and that aspect of things would be done, but that won't happen. Even worse, I now have more stuff to find room for in the apartment, and really, it's an impossible task to make any progress when just as I clear a small space of boxes or other items I replace it with boxes or other, different items. Oh well. Posted at 8:02 AM
Yesterday was a big day for my plants. I repotted my three large pothos plants in beautiful large ceramic pots I've had for over two years (repotting is good for the plants when they're this big but a pain in the ass to do). My mom gave me a little help, and I got things sorted out fairly well. Then I bagged up the long vines and covered the pothos in garbage bags and four other somewhat smaller plants in large paper bags and packed them into the car to take to the apartment in Toledo. The weather was unseasonably warm (in the mid forties) and was probably the last warm day for a while. I got the plants safely to Toledo although they look somewhat worse for the trip. Plants suffer from movement, change in their watering or lighting levels, being cut back, being repotted, or suffering extreme temperatures for any amount of time, and I subjected mine to all of those things. Hopefully they will make a full recovery, but they will have a rough week or two. Fortunately they are all hearty plants and have been strong prior to this. I managed to get a number of other things done in the apartment before driving back to Sandusky but not very much in the big scheme of things. Each bit gets me further along, though, and now I have a fully functional kitchen, fully functional bathroom, and fully functional bedroom, so the necessary parts are all there. Now it's just down to getting the last furniture in place and unloading boxes of books into place so that the many stacks of boxes will be gone. It might just happen ... Posted at 8:53 AM
My parents are back in Sandusky; the apartment is closer to occupancy but still a mess; I ache nearly everywhere on my body and the places that don't ache are numb and stiff; and I still have to keep working at moving items from Sandusky to Toledo, unpacking and setting up dozens of boxes of stuff in the apartment, and struggling to find room to put boxes until I can open up the appropriate space where their contents will finally sit - and all without break from 7 AM until 9 PM (or later) (including driving to Toledo and back at the beginning and end of each day) and then stretching and taking a hot shower to keep my muscles from seizing up, followed by catching up on e.mail and what little I can do processing mail and bills with so much still packed ... all before finally dropping into the air mattress around 10:30 or 11 PM and lying awake for a couple hours desperate to sleep. It's a horrible grind, having done this for a couple straight weeks now (even on Christmas day), and not one of those nights have I had a decent or fulfilling sleep; the lack of sleep every day has accumulated to a point where it's adding to the physical stresses upon my body, and I'm in lots of pain. Wheeeeeeee!!!! Posted at 8:03 AM
How can I ache and hurt this much and not have been run over by a truck? Posted at 6:45 AM
It's Boxing Day ... and I feel like I've been in a boxing ring and on the losing side. My Christmas dinner yesterday was lovely. Tasty and filling (too filling in fact), but not enough to make up for the aches and pains I was feeling by the time I sat down to eat it. Yesterday did not go well with the washer malfunction and such, and I ended up spending more than twice as long doing work things than planned, losing most of the day. I had expected to work through the morning and maybe as late as 1 PM on laundry and packing and moving and cleaning tasks, but of course that didn't happen. A problematic side effect of what already had become a bad situation was that I didn't stretch, get a shower, or put on any IcyHot until later in the afternoon, and I was a mess last night with stiffness and pain. I can honestly say it's not as bad this morning, but it's not comfortable and it's making things difficult. My hands in particular feel like they are in thick, stiff gloves, tough to close in to a fist, without any practical dexterity, and alien. Today's a big day of trying to buy a lot of small items to cover small needs here and there (i.e., a new shower curtain, some corner braces to lock my CD shelves together, etc.) and then a drive back to Toledo to unload a car full of the last of everything except my hanging clothes (which I can't hang at the apartment because all of the closets are full of boxes of books and CDs) and my plants (which I can't move until I have space). And once there and unloaded there is all sorts of stuff to do in the apartment itself, far more than I'll get done today, but hopefully I'll get a lot done and be closer to actually being able to sleep and live there. Of course today is also the day the maintenance man is supposed to pull back the carpeting in the bedroom and assess what may have happened that caused the water in the apartment. I hope he finds a crack in the slab or something so that we know what it was and can repair it. The last thing I want is to have to worry about having water in the bedroom ever again. And while I'm sort of pleased I can get a lot done today, I'd honestly really like to spend a day resting or at least just doing more sedate things like sending out all of the notices of change of address I need to get out and other things I can do on the computer or with phone calls. All in due time, I suppose. Posted at 8:01 AM
So ... I don't get to spend Christmas with any family - even Haroldine who is dying - because of all I have to do here and because even if I had been invited (which I wasn't) I've been told there's no room for anyone to stay. Meanwhile, after another night of less sleep than I need, I got up and worked at packing things to go to Goodwill, clearing out the second floor and scrubbing it clean. All while doing that I was doing laundry - or I thought I was until I realized the washing machine was broken. I managed to limp along through four loads by hand-scrubbing the clothes myself, soaking them, spinning the water out (that part still worked on the washer) and then drying them (and in some cases ironing them, too). And then I packed the clothes and things I'd boxed to go to Toledo, and my vacuum, and a lamp in the car to be ready to head out tomorrow. By the time I got these things done and had a shower it was after 4 PM, I'd had no lunch (except a very tart lemon that my parents had brought from their leon tree in Florida), and I ached everywhere. I felt and still feel jittery all over. My Mom called just after four, talked to me briefly, and made excuses to get off the line quickly - and I had no 'Hello's' or Merry Christmas'es from anyone else. I try very hard not to take these things personally, but this pattern of behavior is invariable and clear - my family doesn't really have any interest in having anything to do with me if they can help it. And heck, what's the Spirit of CHristmas supposed to mean anyway, really? So I'm exhausted and more than a bit bitter. I fixed a proper Christmas dinner for myself, but it took nearly two hours, and I only just finished. Now I feel overly full and achy and bitter. And hey, the fun just keeps going. I still have much to do tonight, and tomorrow I have to run a number of errands and then head back to Toledo to meet with the maintenance man about the water that had been in my apartment bedroom. TO me this all just seems like more of the same type of thing I've lived my whole life. So remind me again, why have I not killed myself yet? Posted at 6:31 PM
Yesterday was a crazy rush back and forth. I headed out early for Toledo, stopping at the bank and a couple other places once I'd made it to Toledo and then on to the apartment. At the apartment I was worried because the night before while working on the bedroom I'd found a damp spot I couldn't explain and which, while it didn't seem to get worse, never dried out despite rubbing the affected area of carpeting repeatedly with a towel. I had decided to see if it dried out overnight but it clearly hadn't. So, confirming it was no better (and no worse) I went to see the leasing agent/manager. She was very attentive and concerned, and we made a plan to have the maintenance man pull up the carpeting to see what he could and do re paris, then the carpeting would be reinstalled Friday by carpet guys who would be working elsewhere in the complex. The downside is that all of the apartment furniture and stuff I had set up has to be removed before then. Yea. The suspicion is that, since I'm in a first floor apartment solidly on a concrete slab, that there may be a crack in the slab and with the massive rains and flooding we've had over the past week it may have seen a rise in groundwater through the crack. I hope it's that simple because that can be fixed and done for good. Unfortunately it sets me back quite a bit on setting up the apartment, but I'll do what I can around it. I had a utility man arrive for hook-up earlier than expected in his arrival window, so I had a little flexibility in what I could do the rest of the morning and early afternoon, but I only had a couple of hours before having to head over to my future employer's, fill out entry paperwork, and then head back to Sandusky to meet up with one of the guys who helped me move who (with help) took away my 6+ foot tall Norfolk Pine for their family restaurant - hopefully getting it there safely and alive and getting it a home I simply can't offer any more because it is so huge. And then, just as they left, my cousin Dana arrived. Dana came to see the house one last time, pick up a few items from the house she had wanted, and to talk. IN fact we talked constantly for about five hours, first at the house and then at Berardi's where Dana treated me to dinner. I have always enjoyed Dana - she's smart, creative, caring, and in some ways similar to me, subject to reversals and turns of fortune that have made life confusing and complicated. Dana always seems to come through, though, and she keeps the same smile and chuckle all of the time, both reminiscent of her mom, my great aunt Kay. It was a good visit, and although it made for a late night as I still had things to do around the house afterward, I wouldn't have spent the time any other way. She was the one break of sanity and reality I've had in a week of crazy rushing and freaking out. I needed that. And while I got more than five hours of sleep last night it wasn't by any more than an hour if even that, and I'm really feeling the effects of this prolonged and repeated sleep deprivation. I really need a few long nights of sleep, or not even long so much as full nights (like 7-8 hours). I'm burning out and it is physically starting to hurt. Posted at 8:13 AM
I was off early to Toledo this morning, achy and tire though I was. I spent the vast majority of the day unpacking and setting things up (when I wasn't fielding phone calls to reschedule things that were supposed to happen that evening). The kitchen is, by-and-large, done. The bathroom is also by-and-large done (and by this I mean scrubbed clean, little items repaired like loose screws, etc, and things are put away (with a few exceptions for later). I even got the bedroom cleared out, cleaned up, and found a way to arrange the furniture that works rather well. I still have a bedroom closet full of boxes of books, and I don't have any clothes or anything put away yet, but having it clean and arranged such that things fit nicely is a comfort. I did fit in a couple extra pieces of furniture than I'd actually expected, so it's very good. The down side of all of this was that I kept working much too long, didn't leave until 9:30 PM, and somehow didn't crash on the way back as I was in a sleepy daze during the entire one-hour drive. I can't remember ever being this bad for driving and constantly catching myself dozing off, and it's been many years since I have even felt myself drifting off at all while driving. I knew this prolonged, repeated physical activity and stress on top of a week where I never got remotely enough sleep on any night would come back and haunt me later, but this wasn't what I had expected. I did get back without causing an accident, but it was a sign to not push it as much until i get some rest. But despite that warning I'm up and getting ready again so I can head back to the apartment and get a lot done before having to come back to the house in Sandusky to meet with people here for things that have to be done. It's getting frustrating to have to be in both places, so I hope these sorts of things wind down a bit so that I can at least spend full days at one spot or the other and not need to be at both. We'll see if that actually happens ... Posted at 7:23 AM
I was up early yesterday after another short night of sleep, but there was much to do ... I took longer getting out of town than planned, running a couple quick errands, fielding a few calls, and packing things in the car before heading back to Toledo. I spent most of the trip making calls I needed to place but hadn't had time to make, so I was multi-tasking all day. Once in Toledo I dropped off a few items at the apartment before driving over to Steve's to drop off a few more items and help Steve rearrange all of the stuff I am now storing at his place along with moving a bunch of his stuff as well. That wasn't as horrible as I anticipated, but after so many days of moving I'm definitely getting very sore and achy. Once things were moved I helped him with clearing the drains on the flat roof of his building which get clogged with leaves occasionally and then pool with big ponds - and with the rains of the past few days this was a big issue. That was cold, thankless work but a needed effort, and when it was done I drove back to the apartment to hang my clothes to dry and wash up. Once I was more comfortable I put on some music and got to work. I started with emptying the kitchen of everything (which was all stuff for the kitchen since my marking of boxes and directing my moving helpers kept things fairly organized). Then I spent a much longer than planned time washing the kitchen clean (but I am pleased with the results). I ran through the apartment check-in list for any problems, laid shelf paper, and started opening and unloading boxes and filling cupboards and drawers with the kitchen stuff. I unloaded all of the kitchen boxes but didn't finish putting everything away (at 9:30 PM I decided I needed to get going on the hour drive back to Sandusky). By the time I got back to the house I was stiff and achy and tired. I did some stretching and took a hot shower and put on a bunch of ointment and ended up feeling somewhat better, but I didn't get to sleep until around 1 AM. Then I woke at 6 AM and couldn't go back to sleep, continuing my streak of less-than-necessary sleep. I'm awake and a bit fuzzy-headed and somewhat stiff and achy. Hopefully some of this will go away with a hot shower, but there's much more to do today, taking another carload to the apartment and trying to finish the kitchen then work through cleaning and setting up the bathroom and linen closet and hopefully even getting the bedroom furniture placed in a way that works. How far along I get is questionable since I need to be back in Sandusky this evening to meet up with my cousin (who is to pick up a few pieces of furniture and will visit with me for a while hopefully) and also to be here to meet up with one of the men who helped me move who is going to take my six-foot-tall Norfolk Pine and give it a good home. Another busy day and no breaks or chance to catch my breath, all with too little sleep. Can this possibly end well? Posted at 8:12 AM
Still alive, just sore. Surprisingly I'm not stiff as a board and writhing in pain, but then again this sort of physical stuff often hits me a day or two later. I may be worse tomorrow. We'll see. Yesterday was, as any day of moving, tiring and frustrating, but had we not all been rather sore from moving things the day before it wouldn't have been so bad. We got a later start than expected, but as I'd anticipated we unloaded very quickly. Even better, things fit into the apartment and left more space to move around than I'd expected. It's still packed and will need a lot of moving and organizing to be functional, but there will be enough room to work as I try to get things set up and put away. I was sure things would be more packed full. This morning, as I mentioned, I feel okay, and I did sleep for maybe six hours last night which, while not as much as I'd like or as I need, is better than any of the pasty three nights. There's still much to do, here in Sandusky and over in Toledo, and I'll be trying to get a good start today, but being this far along is a good start. I do admit that this morning I'm thinking I made the wrong choice in apartments - not the apartment complex (I like them so far and will need longer to make a better, more complete judgment) - but I had two apartment options at this complex, one all electric but laid out a little differently and slightly larger and one with included heating and cooking gas (but for $30 more per month). When I was looking at apartments I chose the option I'm in because I thought: 1) Having heating and cooking gas included cuts down on utility costs even with a slightly higher rent, 2) the extra square feet in the all-electric were mostly in the kitchen and bathroom and some extra closet space, and 3) the all-electric was on the second floor and would require more effort in moving. Well, as it turns out: 1) The extra $30 per month is $360 for the year but most of those months won't need heating, so it is actually not as great a deal as I'd expected, 2) the extra square feet was mostly where I thought, but the extra foot of width in the bedroom would have been a help and the dining room was larger because the floorplan they provided offered somewhat misleading dimensions for the dining room in the gas-heat unit I chose and it's actually only about 2/3 the size I expected, and 3) we ended up going down just as many steps for the apartment I chose as I would have gone up for the other option. The one other thing in my decision-making had been that the gas-heat unit was at the front of the complex and the all-electric was back into the complex a fair bit. I thought this might be safer, but in reality since the whole complex is set back off the street and behind some small strip malls, either apartment building would likely be equally safe. IU was in a rush in many ways and didn't deliberate on things as much as I would have liked, so I chose as I did. Now I'm feeling upset at myself because: a) I'll almost surely pay more over the course of the year than I needed to, b) I lost some extra square footage that would have been very appreciated once everything was set up, and c) the moving in not only would have been any worse but being on an upper floor would have potentially been safer since people couldn't see into my windows or break them in for entry since they be well above ground (It also would have been much more private). Now, though, it also seems that the gas boiler heat lets off humidity - a plus in that it will keep away the dryness of Winter air but a potential pitfall because it may get to be too much. The leasing agent herself told me to open a window a bit or contact them if it got too bad. I had smelled a not-horrible but off smell throughout the apartment I couldn't identify as we moved in and I figured I'd Febreeze the smell away, but now I realize it was a light mildewy smell (and with me in there moving around and opening and closing the door and running the bathroom fan and such it may dissipate, but who knows). My mother also noticed, while poking around during the day, that the bottoms of the kitchen drawers are wavy/warped, which could mean there was a spill at one time that damaged them but may mean the humidity gets so bad it bothers lighter, thinner composite board. My plants would love extra humidity but my books wouldn't. I'm concerned. It's too late now, so I'm stuck for at least a year in this lease. Hopefully it will work out alright. Still, I'm beating myself up over making what was probably the wrong choice. Par for the course I guess. Posted at 8:34 AM
I'm not sure how I'm moving at all. Eight hours of back-breaking lifting up and down stairs - after a short night of no more than six hours of sleep - and I'm left achy and stiff. And of course yesterday was just packing everything up. Today is driving to Toledo and unloading all of it, first at the apartment and then a number of things that will be stored over at Steve's building ... an d then we drive back to Sandusky and load my parents van with the things they will take to my sister's house with them. If I survive today I have no idea what state I'll be in tomorrow morning. Posted at 7:40 AM
Today, barring any unforeseen problems, will be the day I get the U-Haul and pack things up here in Sandusky. Everything that has to go is ready (which means there are things left, but they will be sold or given to charity). Hopefully everything will fit, hopefully it won't take all day, and hopefully it won't be as horrible as it potentially could be. We'll see. Posted at 7:50 AM
The packing goes on without end! Augh!!! I must say that my parents have been very helpful in this packing and with agreeing to help me move. It was unexpected and wonderful, and has been one rare bright spot in all of this. My father has been particularly helpful, clearly pushing himself more than he should physically but determined to get things done, some for me, some for getting the other things in the house sorted and ready to be cleared out. I am still terrified by the prospects of things, but I have so much to do that I have no real time to think about anything else but what else needs to be packed and how it can be accomplished. I worry about what will happen after I've moved things and gotten the worst of the unpacking nightmare done, that time in a couple weeks when I can sit and relax my aching back and every other muscle group for a while and when thoughts will come unbidden. It won't be long before I should be working after that, and perhaps that will help to keep me busy, but I don't know. The dark day I had on Saturday was very bad despite having all of this mess of stuff to attend to, and that was a bad place to be. That was when i had an amazing number of distractions ... and while I still have a certain amount of purpose in getting myself out of here and helping clear out the rest of the things so that all is done when my parents do the closing on the house and it falls out of the hands of this family forever. What will my mind do then? Hmmm... I'm still sleeping poorly, and tomorrow is a full day of packing up the moving truck, then the following day, Friday, will be a full day of diving to Toledo, signing the lease, and unpacking, first at the apartment and then at Steve's, and then back to Sandusky to pack up my parents van for them to take things to my sister's house as they drive there to visit for Christmas. And then, Saturday, the real fun begins as I drive back to Toledo and try to figure out how to make enough room to squeeze between boxes and somehow find some sense of order in what will be a very packed small one-bedroom apartment. Joy. Posted at 12:03 PM
The packing continues, and while I got a lot more done yesterday there is still so much to do ... and with my moving plan being to rent and pack a U-Haul truck Thursday (two days from now), then drive to Toledo, sign my lease and get keys, and unload the U-Haul, there is little time left for all that needs to be done. In fact I simply know beyond a doubt that there will be more to be packed and moved - and very possibly some already-packed things that won't fit in the truck. A second trip in a smaller U-Haul is pretty much guaranteed, but I'm hoping to leave as little as possible because once things are moved I have to not just finish up at the house here and pack the last bits and clean up, but I have to unpack and organize the new apartment in some manner that at least allows me to eat and sleep. And speaking of sleep, I'm getting less and less each night, unable to get my mind and body to relax and shut down. Having five hours of sleep a night with all of the mental gymnastics I'm doing plus all of the bending, stooping, and lifting the packing brings (not to mention the snow shoveling), it's wearing me out, and while you'd think that would make me tired enough to sleep, that simply isn't the case. All that happens is I'm getting more jittery and exhausted. I hope I can get a lot of this packing, moving, and task-work behind me so that there isn't so much that needs to be planned and done. Maybe my mind will be more at ease once the list of things to think about is shorter. Posted at 7:54 AM
I was able to function yesterday, and once I got moving I was able to shovel snow for two hours ad then pack for all of the rest of the day - which ends up with much more packed but still a whole lot to go. My parents arrived late, around 7:30 PM, for a short stay to sort and pack items before the house is gone. I spoke to both briefly but still packed for a while. And then I couldn't get to sleep, even though I'd tried to wind down watching a little TV and trying to relax. I finally fell asleep around maybe Midnight but then woke up twice during the night and had the same problem getting back to sleep, not succeeding the second time and just giving up. I'm tired and there's still much to do. Is anyone kind enough to put me out of my misery yet? Posted at 8:35 AM
Dark, black days. There is no hope, only the darkness. Posted at 7:54 AM
More stuff is arranged but pretty much nothing is fully done yet. There are delays or waits to everything I worked at setting up today: a known start date for work or a known ay rate, a proper signing of the apartment lease, deposit payment, electric hook-up, cable internet costs and possible hook-up, new checks, insurance changes and updates, a U-Haul rental date, any idea of who can/will help me to move, a finalized move date, whether I'll have any where even close to enough boxes to pack everything, and how to fit even a reasonable minimum of my stuff into the apartment that would otherwise be locked away at Steve's building with no heat and . ready access. I also had to deal with the results of the home inspection, receiving a call in the morning shortly after I arrived in Toledo to list what was expected to be corrected. They were all niggling little items, some real, some weird (like saying the air conditioner might not work since he couldn't turn it on (in temperatures in the teens). Of course I could check none of these things in Toledo so filed them in my head for later. When I did get back to Sandusky, around a scramble to do other things I checked each item and confirmed whether or not it was an issue, and in one case I had to call the HVAC people who have serviced our furnace in the past to get a copy of the last service visit since my mother and I had thrown away our copy when cleaning out the file cabinet the last time she was here. I also scrambled to find the number of the garbage company since they opened the trash can, took the trash bag on top but left the one below it. Had I been able to find the number I might have been able to get them to pick it up, but we had thrown that number away from the file cabinet as well, and as it's a newer company that bought out our old company, they aren't in the phone book. My mother, who has the number on her bills that are sent to Florida, was of course not at home. So I spent most of the day driving, running around, doing things but getting nothing done, and then spent time packing for the rest of the night. I was (and still remain) exhausted, and I woke up at about 5:30 AM for some reason and my mind decided to start thinking about all of the things I have to do and would not let it go so I could sleep more, so despite trying to relax and go back to sleep I gave up at 7 Am and got up, still tired and lots of packing to do. I've been afraid and uncertain and hopeless about all of these things going on around me since the offer on the house first came, and I've grown more and more depressed, but the last two days have been the worst. Why I am I doing any of this? I feel an obligation to have me and my things out of the house for my mother's sake so she can sell it, and I'm trying to arrange things to cover my expenses (somehow) so she won't feel she has kicked me into the streets, but I really just don't want to do any of this. I don't want to move (and definitely don't want to move in this Winter weather), but that's a small portion of it. I just don't want to do anything. What's the point? It's stupid, I suppose, but while I've still been here I have felt like I've at least been maintaining ten house and grounds the way my grandma would have wanted and honoring her, doing what she would want. But that's gone now - or will be soon in any case. So what purpose do I have? Is trying to make my mom not feel responsible for me or my life a purpose? I don't think so. I have no kids and never will since I can't see ever having a way to support them (let alone myself). I have no ability to do philanthropy or charitable work as I'd so long hoped to be able to do. I have no great knowledge or skills to offer anything to mankind or to future generations. I'm a small, old man in a large world that not only doesn't care about me but doesn't want to hear from me at all. And the pain and misery and dark thoughts I have fought off for years are pushing stronger at me now as my mind is more jumbled and unable to use the radio or CDs or TV to distract my mind enough from thinking of things I don't want to think about. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was first a teenager (at thirteen), and I've had a fairly constant desire for a short life ended somehow, hopefully without too much pain. I've called it a death wish, looking for death to come and take away the pain and the thoughts, but it never comes. And things never get better. For a long time I could lie to myself and believe things would change after I made some change or reached some goal, but it never changes. It's always miserable and hopeless. And here I am now, facing a life that will just get worse and worse, with no chance of ever getting better (and that's not the depression talking, that's fact. Short of a lottery win, NOTHING can save me from the financial death spiral that I'm about to fall into, and that situation is poised to make my already bad situation even more miserable. So I've thought a great deal - done repeated searches on the internet in fact - about ways to end this, ideally with as little pain as possible. I'm sad to say there is no easy way to do this. If there was I would be happier because I'd have the promise of an end to it all. Today (and the last few days) the pull to find a way is incredibly strong, stronger than it's been since 1988 when I had planned my suicide completely. I don't know where this will go, and I'm not crying out for help or I suppose even asking for sympathy. I needed to get this out somehow, and most people don't want to hear any of it or blow it off or use some aphorism like, "It'll get better," as if that's true and has any basis in the realms of possibility. I needed to get this out without any of that, so here is the place. I've been a coward all of my life about committing suicide, so the odds are against me finally growing enough of a backbone to go through with it ... but I think if I could just be strong enough for a minute I could drive my car off the road into the freezing cold lake or off a bridge and then not have any worry about trying to turn back. It sounds easy, but it does take great courage, and I don't feel like I have any of that any more. So I'll probably still be here, more and more miserable, waiting to see how much more horrible and painful things can get before I lose my mind completely. Posted at 8:31 AM
I had a call yesterday morning from the leasing agent at the apartment complex where I applied yesterday - I'm approved so long as I bring a letter of intent/confirmation from my new (soon-to-be) employer. That's great, I suppose, except that: 1) I still need that letter with a start date and a wage amount, and none of those three things have been clearly decided yet despite my attempts to find out; 2) she wanted the letter later in the day but I had to stay in Sandusky because of appointments where I had to stay at the house for ranges of time where I waited for people (fortunately the leasing agent said she could accept the letter later, but could only hold the apartment ten days); and 3) while this was the best of the apartments I sw for safety of the general area, square footage, and cleanliness/upkeep, that does not mean it is as safe, large, clean, or updated as I would like or even expect for what I'll be paying. It's a disappointment, really. I wish it were more appealing because then that might offer some excitement about moving there, something to counter the great fear and dread that I'm feeling. I'm worried about the apartment itself, but I'm more worried about what happens once I'm there. I have a job lined up but it's full of unknowns and I have no idea how much I will make. The only thing I do know is that it is limited and will end when tax season ends, meaning I'll be jobless again unless I can line up something else once it ends - but I don't know an exact end date and I do know that I'll be working 60+ hour weeks seven days a week during those heady days of the tax crunch before the job ends, and I have no idea how I would get to an interview. Setting the apartment and job issues aside, what about money? Can I make enough to make ends meet, even if I (as seems must be inevitable) default on my student loans and credit cards and hope I'm not pursued by collections agents for the rest of my life? With or without a job will there be enough to pay rent, utilities, and eat? And what about issues that are coming up sooner? WHo can I possibly find to help me move and what can I offer them to help me move in the bitter cold? I don't have a lot of friends left in the area, and those I have are in many cases incapable of helping because of physical issues, even though they would probably want to help as they could. I can move most of my things by myself, but a couch and queen-sized mattress can't really be moved by one person (along with a few other larger items) and even if I did it alone and physically survived, it would take me forever to move everything. Even under ideal circumstances moving is problematic, and I am completely removed from ideal circumstances. I packed a great deal of things yesterday. All of my CDs are packed (a lot - seven bankers boxes full plus two dozen smaller boxes) and the vast majority of my books are packed (28 bankers boxes and about ten similarly-sized boxes so far). That's a big part of things. There's still more to go, though. I'd hoped to get further packing, but I decided to stop around 9:15 and wind down since I've had trouble sleeping the past few nights because I've been doing things so late, and I was feeling more scared and vulnerable than ever, so I decided to call my mom and open up. That was silly of me, I suppose. I should know I won't get any sympathy or comfort there but I keep going back. We talked about issues about the house and I laid out my concerns and problems and even said, "I'm feeling really scared right now," and got the blow-off. I should be used to this after forty-six years but it still hurts and still leaves me feeling worse than before I tried. I guess I really am stupid not to know better by this time. Anyhow, the future is bleak ad full of horror. Run if you can. I sure wish I could. Posted at 8:26 AM
I managed not to wreck my car in the slippery mess of snow during my morning drive to Toledo yesterday, although I did take one-and-a-half times the usual time to get there as I was caught behind a couple different salt trucks going 25 mph with long trains of cars slowly moving behind them. Once in Toledo I saw a number of apartments I didn't like, more for the apartments than the areas this time, but some still with bad areas. I found two that seemed okay (and by that I mean decent areas, fairly well-maintained, but old and out-dated - but I need to keep costs down, so I have to suck it up). I also found that the apartments complexes expect you to make at least three times the rent per month in gross wages - not bad until you look at higher-priced options, and basically I have today run out of options in my price range since anything higher is out of what I can expect to make even if things go smoothly, short of getting quickly bumped into a management role or something (which will surely happen the same day I win the lottery and have a long-long lost relative leave me the sole inheritor of his multi-billion dollar empire. All I have to do is wait for that. Meanwhile I also found that without an existing and continuing job I won't get an apartment. Period. In fact one of the apartments wouldn't even consider you if you hadn't been at your job for over three months. That's great, but problematic for me and probably for many others. Fortunately I have the job offer from Ron at the tax agency, and the leasing agents at the two apartments I found acceptable both were understanding of my situation and told me they would want to call Ron for confirmation and would ask for a letter of intent from him to have a formal written confirmation that I had a job and what wages I would be making. So at the end of the day, just as 5 PM approached, I filled out an application at one of the apartments, the (I think) slightly larger and slightly better-located apartment in Oregon, a southeast suburb of Toledo (and just a mile from where I'll be working at the tax agency, not that that job will last forever). So I may know by the end of the week if I have an apartment or - if not - I'll find that it may be impossible to get someone to rent to me. There are a million things still in the air, still not much time and lots of complicating events in the calendar over the coming weeks, and already a bad storm expected in the area this weekend with lots of snow, and probably more to come, hopefully with a break around whenever I manage to move everything ... wherever. I really don't want to be doing any of this. Posted at 8:15 AM
Yesterday was a roller-coaster: fast, full of ups and down, unpredictable, and over before you had planned. I started by getting ready for the home inspector to go through the house and getting myself ready to leave for the rest of the day. The home inspector and radon inspector arrived early and I got them going, and just as I had them both set up the realtor arrived to be around during the inspection. I managed to finish my online job search I'd been doing before everyone arrived within the next hour, then checked on the inspector and realtor and talked with the realtor until I realized I had to clean out the linen closet with the access hatch to the attic crawl space. So I rushed around with that, trying to pack some but not really at the packing stage for most of those items. Eventually the inspection was done and the inspector and realtor left - about two hours later. I hadn't gotten much of anything done while they were here, contrary to what I'd planned, so I made lunch and ate and did some other packing issues while I made some calls, and then finally got a late start out of town. Of course I got stuck behind a school bus and other slow driver's on the way, and my detour to Bowling Green to pick up Steve's gloves already was sucking away an extra half hour, but I got the gloves and met up with Steve at work. He had called the night before and told me his boss was willing to hire me for the upcoming tax season, so I wanted to give Steve his gloves and confirm the job opportunity and get any more details possible. I got confirmation, but the start date and actual wage are as-yet unstated. It is good to have a job but complicated with not knowing these details, and even at best it will only last until some time in April, so it's good but still leaves me hanging somewhat. I had planned to look at at least a couple apartments before the offices closed, but my talks with Ron, my soon-to-be new boss - along with the delays I'd already faced - made that impossible. After Steve was done with work at six we met with a realtor to see two very-low prices houses that I've considered as possible options in my search for a place to live (and I mean very low priced). The first one was surprising in the amazing architectural features, but the neighborhood was a concern to me and while it was a great deal for the price, it would require some immediate and some future work that would add to the cost. The second house, while two-and-a-half times as much but still incredibly low-priced, was completely move-in-ready, clean, and really a gem. The neighborhood was working-class, clearly people struggling to make ends meet, but not poor and not a crime area, although like most parts of Toledo, more crime-riddled areas were within a couple miles distance. If I were wealthy enough to buy a house I'd have different options, but for the price this second house was amazing, and the neighborhood was good, certainly compared to some places I've lived. I got back late and caught up with mail and even caught a TV show, but that was about it. Now today I'm back to Toledo to look at a bunch of apartments and see what other options I might have (or not have). That second house draws on my mind, but my parents are against me buying any house and the problems that could come with it (and I admit I'm fearful of the possible down-sides, too, even with the upside of knowing I would have a roof over my head and only utilities and a very low property tax to pay rather than a large lump of rent every month), and the second one is priced such that even if I got a lower bid accepted and even borrowed a little bit from Steve, I'd have blown most of my spare cash to get it, and that leaves no cushion for extra costs for the house or paying for jobless stretches. It's frightening - buy a house and have no extra money or rent an apartment and have only enough to cover rent for a year and then have absolutely nothing at all ... which is the better choice? So anyhow, off to Toledo again ... Posted at 8:43 AM
Yesterday, following a lengthy stay at the office of Job and Family services (where I wanted to see about whether I can get aid in Toledo or if I need to go to the county office in Toledo or what they can do - if anything - when I have a soon-to-disappear address and no sure new address) and after a real long time I was able to schedule a telephone interview for later in the week. Standard procedure, of course, and everyone was as nice and polite as could be, but the wait always kills me just to set an appointment. And of course the building was filled with coughing kids and parents this time, so who knows what the little cough I have this morning might mean. I also got a haircut yesterday afternoon in a different style from what I've had for the past decade. Maybe it was time, maybe I just need some things to change. I'm still not sure if I like it any better or worse that the Caesar cut I have used for so long, but I do like it. The rest of the day, around taking phone calls from various people regarding the house and the move and similar items, was spent really getting a massive start on packing ... which basically means there's stacks of stuff everywhere already. I feel good about what I've done so far and how I'm sorting it out (i.e., eight different areas for things based upon how much I need/use them, thus making it easier to figure what I absolutely have to have with me and what goes into storage and what goes into storage if space is limited. This manner of organization is working well now putting things together, but the real test will be when I'm unpacking a packed moving van into whatever place I might find and then separately into Steve's warehouse. I'm just asking for something to go wrong, aren't I? This morning, in a couple of hours, a home inspector will be going through the house. My packing menagerie may complicate things for him, but I don't know what else I'm expected to do with the limited time I have to get everything done and be out of here. Hopefully the inspector can get around everything and get done without too much difficulty or delay. I plan to head back to Toledo today to look at more apartments and also see the two HUD houses for sale that Steve and I figured are at least worth checking into. I already know I'll be getting back quite late; the big question is when I can leave with the home inspector here. Hopefully he'll be done by Noon or shortly after. We'll see. Another busy day today. If there's any good luck to be had by me, hopefully it will come today and help me find a good place to live and the ability to get approval to get it. If I could know for sure that a contract signed and a place to live secured, that would be a huge load off my mind, would minimize the trips back and forth to Toledo, and would give me an address for the myriad of address change notifications that need to be made (and soon). The fun never ends, I tell ya. Posted at 8:03 AM
Stressful as simply everything is at this point in time, my day yesterday was a bit of a relief from most of the past few days in that I wasn't driving long hours back and forth to Toledo and around and around looking at one bad apartment option after another. I worked around the house making lists of things I'll need to get done and making a plan for sorting and packing everything for the move, and I even started actual sorting and packing, although I won't say I made any noticeable difference in the big scheme of things yet. I also had a conversation on the phone with my mom that brought me down - maybe back to reality, I don't know. I feel like I'm facing the horrors of my situation more directly and with more concern than my mom, but she has a way of making me get even more freaked out about the state of things by her attitude of basically "things will work out" or saying "we'll help you and make sure you're set" but doing nothing and having not even a suggestion of what might be offered if anything other than promises and false hope. That's probably being too harsh on my mother. I think she is concerned about my situation but distracted from worrying about it by the things she has to get done with clearing out the rest of the house and getting ready for the closing, all around the holidays and what I suspect will for her and my dad still be a visit with family in a couple different cities for the holidays (not me - other family). And if nothing else I owe my mother a great deal for allowing me to stay here in the house for the past year and a half since my grandma died. This current mess is ill-timed in a variety of ways and full of stress, but it would only have been moderately better even at a better time of year. It's just a fucked up situation and it's nobody's fault ... except mine, I suppose. It's not as though I haven't tried to get a job, not just here but other places where I could move and get reestablished, and it's not like I've been having a great time getting poorer and more hopeless, but there's not anyone to point a finger at for causing things to get this way with the possible exception of me, and that's at least true in that I haven't shown the courage to actually kill myself and end this. Otherwise I don't know what else I could have done that would have better helped me or my mother or much of anybody. I regret no doing volunteer work with the Boys and Girls Club or someplace similar, but that's in hindsight. All the while I've been going alone with a focus on getting a job and then working on other things: volunteering, arranging to get back to school for a master's degree, writing, and more. Had I had any idea nothing would have come from the past year and a half of job searching I certainly would have done things differently ... and I suppose if there is any blame to be laid on that particular part of things, I do owe my cousin Dana for rushing me into taking the GRE which brought me a low score and was the major reason I didn't get back to college, and some blame could be applied to my mother and sister who harangued me incessantly about getting a job and all of the things I should be doing - to the exclusion of anything else. But any blame that goes to them is minimal because I'm still the one who made the decision to follow their suggestions. I had every opportunity to make different choices myself. I didn't And here I am. So ... it all sucks, but it wasn't quite as miserable yesterday as the previous couple days. Small thanks for that. Posted at 7:20 AM
I was back in Toledo again today (as well as Bowling Green, Maumee, Perrysburg,and Oregon. With my friend Steve at my side offering commentary and helping greatly with navigation we saw a great number of apartments and a few houses, most horrible and even frightening for their neighborhoods and sometimes the apartments themselves, but a couple that might be options ... maybe. Before I even got to Toledo I had a call from my mother confirming that a deal was made and the house was officially sold and that the buyer would not budge on the closing date of January 10th, meaning that with the two major holidays coming up it will make it very difficult to do everything needed to get out of here and everything taken care of, and as much as it will be a press for my parents and my sister it will be nearly impossible for me. I basically have to find a place to live in a week - and one that will accept my lack of a formal rental history over the past ten years and also accept my less-than-great credit core - and if I can't do it in a week I'll be screwed because with the necessity of the better part of a work week for any of these places to check out my background and stuff, any time later deciding upon a place to live means the acceptance wouldn't come until - at best - after Christmas since most rental offices are sure to be closed most if not all of the week of Christmas - and then with the New Years holiday in the middle of the following week there will be few days the offices will be open then - and then there's but a week remaining before I have to be completely out of this house and ... somewhere else. It requires everything to work just perfectly, and that isn't how things usually work for me. And that's just the part about arranging a place to stay and the required long trips back and forth between Toledo to arrange it. Around all of that I have to pack a whole hell of a lot of stuff and have it ready to move, arrange a moving van to be rented and somehow figure out how I can get somebody to help me move my stuff when I have few people I'm close to in the area and all of them my age or older and not well-suited to moving furniture and heavy boxes at any time let alone in the worst of Winter cold (and that's without even considering what may come in the way of snow and/or ice). It's a huge bit of hell coming, and it's had me on edge all day on top of the many horrible places I looked at. And then, as if I hadn't had enough stress for the day, I came back to the house to find doors closed that had been open when I left and doors open that I had left closed. I freaked out about a robbery immediately and was filled with adrenaline before I thought about the odd possibility that the realtor had come in. I checked the answering machine and there was nothing, so I called the realtor who admitted he had indeed been inside but felt no need to call me because it wasn't my house (despite the fact he had promised me three times, unbidden, to always call me before coming over and always promising to give 24 hours notice). I wasn't even so upset that he was in the house once I realizes it was indeed him, but I was incensed that he wouldn't even leave a message on the phone or a note or even one of his cards, instead leaving me to freak out with no knowledge of what had occurred. He was quite unapologetic and in fact very rude, clearly feeling that I was nothing to him now that the sale of the house was confirmed and his commission was secured. He hung up on me, in fact, never saying a polite word - even in his greeting when I first called. I followed up with a call to my mother - who according to the realtor knew he was coming through - and made her aware of the near heart attack I suffered worrying who had been in the house, and she admitted she had put no thought into what I might think about people entering the house without my knowledge. She admittedly has other things on her mind with the fiasco of arranging everything with the house selling, but honestly - does nobody have any sense of concern for all of the stress this has added to my already stressful life? Maybe they do and don't care. That's certainly what the past couple years should have taught me if nothing else. Why oh why can't I have just had a massive heart attack right then and there and be done with this? I would prefer it greatly to having to fight against fate and still inevitably end up in no good life situation with no prospects ... because that's all I see here, nothing better ... ever. Posted at 8:45 AM
I drove to Toledo yesterday, fist to visit with my friend Steve and meet his boos to ask about a potential job during tax season, and then afterward to look at apartments and houses that might be possibilities for a low-cost placed to stay. The first stop, with Steve, went ... fine I guess. Steve's boss, the owner of the tax agency, seems like a nice, good-natured fellow but also a man suspicious about how committed a potential employee would be. Based upon a multitude of stories I've heard over the past few years I don't blame him. People getting hired and then not showing up for training, calling off regularly, or just being a lazy or uninterested worker is not somebody an employer wants (and this is one thing that drives me crazy because I have a great work ethic, take pride in my work, and yet I have trouble getting a job - why is that?). Anyhow, he seemed open to the idea of hiring me and spoke to me for a while, but he wasn't willing to commit. He won't be hiring for another few weeks I imagine, so he has every right to be cautious. Still, knowing that I would have a job where I was moving - even if it would only last for a few short months - would be a long-missing boost to my spirits (and my ego a well, I suppose). I'll just have to wait and see if this comes to anything ... After that I got to talking with a visitor/customer at the tax agency and just spoke for a while before wrapping up with Steve and saying my goodbyes. That was two hours from when I'd arrived! I went from that first stop to one apartment complex after another, and they rapidly grew worse as I looked. The first place had been bought by a new owner and he had put on a new roof, put in new windows, new insulation, new flooring and carpeting, had painted everything, put in new kitchen and bathroom cabinets, new appliances, and was really rebuilding from the ground up. And while it was in a neighborhood that's always been working class, that neighborhood had maintained itself for safety against crime despite other areas of the city growing worse over the past decade. The owner and his team are literally finishing the units up one at a time and fulfilling a list of applicants as they finish, so each tenant moves in just as it's remade but has to be on the waiting list. The only problem I see is that it is a direct exit outside from the apartment - no hallways or such, and I worry about security even in a neighborhood that's not too bad. I can't be overly picky, though, in my circumstances. The next complex I visited was one I had looked into years ago. It has been updated in certain ways since then in ways that improve it, and it is one the edge of a decent neighborhood. It is on the other side on the edge of a poorer, less-good neighborhood though, and the windows broken out of two cars in the parking lot and the slashed tire of one in the lot when I first parked were not good signs. The visit went downhill from there, and they didn't even have any one-bedroom units available and didn't know if they would in January. Great. From there I looked at a small home for rent (really just a one-bedroom apartment in its own building, and while I hadn't made an appointment and couldn't see inside, the neighborhood, right across from the University of Toledo, wasn't too bad. The next few apartments I looked at, though, were old, run down, smelled, and clearly in rough neighborhoods. I even looked at a house that was for sale cheap in what I though would be a half-way decent location bordering a park and near the all-male catholic school, but I was wrong. It was also a rough neighborhood, and the house was priced for its value, sadly. I visited two other apartment complexes and did drive-bys of three others and was appalled that they were in all ways worse than what I'd already seen. Today I'm driving back, picking up Steve to accompany me, grabbing lunch before meeting with a guy who is hoping to sublet a one-bedroom apartment in Bowling Green until July and then looking at other apartments and houses for the rest of the day or until I break down in tears at how horrible everything is. Honestly, I knew and know that I'll have to re-acclimate to a much poorer way-of-life and accommodations than I've had in my grandma's house, but I've never lived as bad as these places would require - and I've lived in a lot of places and in some neighborhoods that weren't very great. I drove home last night feeling very depressed and not very hopeful. It would be nice if today offered even the slightest ray of light into this darkness. Posted at 9:06 AM
It's not a done deal yet but it seems unlikely that my parents will give up this chance to sell my grandmother's house. The woman who has been interested in the house made an offer yesterday, and my parents weren't at all insulted by the offer as I was (which at 73% of the list price/valuation certainly seems insulting to me, even understanding that a buyer wants to get the best deal they can and that this is a buyer's market). They planned to read through the offered contract and then submit a counter-offer (I have no idea for how much). I suspect it's just a matter of negotiations, and hopefully my parents won't just give the house away to be done with it. To me that feels very disrespectful to my grandma's love and devotion to this house. Possibly worse than the house selling for a ridiculously low price or the fact that this buyer plans to remodel the house in ways that may well remove some of the most charming aspects it holds is the fact that this buyer wants to closing date to be the 10th of January. It is, of course, general practice to hold about a 30-day closing time, and since this woman just sold her own home in Connecticut and has a closing date of the 10th of January, it makes some sense. However considering the 30 days we're talking about include Christmas, New Years, the traffic everywhere due to those holidays, snow and cold that will make moving and even the preparations for moving difficult (since my mother and sister will need to drive here to choose and pack items to keep and arrange for the remainder to be sold and sold quickly), and on top of everything else the approaching death of Haroldine, my sister's mother-in-law, which not only could happen during the time before the closing but which also has kept my sister and brother-in-law at home to care for Haroldine (making it near impossible for my sister to come here to go through or pick up anything) and the fact that all of us had planned to go to my sister's house for some amount of time over the holidays to see the family but more importantly to have one final moment with Haroldine for sure while she's still with us. Add to that, somewhat selfishly considering Haroldine's situation, but I personally will have to scramble to sort, pack, find a place to live - and get them to accept my application when I haven't lived in any formal rental housing in over ten years, get utilities - when I haven't held any in my name in over fifteen years, move everything I own ... somewhere ... probably by myself since I have no idea who else I could ask that would be in town or able to get here and be physically able to lift a sleeper sofa and stuff with me, and of course look for a job around all of that. Oh, and I still have to buy Christmas presents - and soon since I'll almost surely have to ship them now that I almost certainly won't be able to drive out to Maryland to visit my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, niece, and Haroldine. It's a mess. I suspect discussions will move quickly between my parents and this potential buyer, so I'll probably have a definitive answer of whether a deal is reached before the end of the weekend, Monday at the latest, and while that will be contingent on a home inspection I'm sure, that shouldn't be an issue - and the woman is offering cash payment, so there's no worries about financing. I'm heading out to Toledo today and tomorrow to check out some apartments and see what I might be able to get for how much ... and ponder how I can swing any of it financially, and I'll meet with my friend Steve to discuss options and get some feedback. I spoke to him for nearly an hour last night and laid out a lot of my concerns and what I will need to do and he's already offered some good advice and a few suggestions I never would have though about. So here I am, heading into the unknown and without the best of options and certainly with about the worst of timing. But what are you gonna do? If anything I should have seen something like this coming: it's made a bad situation even more complicated and frustrating and that's how things in my life generally tend to play out. Posted at 8:06 AM
As I mentioned the day before yesterday, a new contractor looked at the kitchen and the house yesterday morning to form suggestions/plans for the woman who is interested in purchasing the house. He was accompanied by the woman's realtor, who I've now seen four times, and between the two they discussed a number of ideas, all of which seemed expansive and expensive. Removing two walls, gutting the kitchen, putting in new counters and cabinets and a new sink and a breakfast bar -- it would be great change, in some ways for the better I'll admit, but it would change the character of the house tremendously by removing the wall between the kitchen and the dining room. I know that is the way of things now, being open in the interior architecture, and I am usually a huge fan of open concept, but with this house - and I say this not simply because of nostalgia for the way it has ben - with this house there is a strong character in the dining room and living room, and while changes in any other rooms wouldn't be big changes, any alterations in those two rooms would diminish the most impressive features of the whole house. My grandma would have loved some of the ideas for updating the kitchen, I'm sure, but she would have been even more appalled and upset than me that the wall between the kitchen and dining room would be removed and replaced by a breakfast bar. And in a practical sense, I don't think it will work because unless they push this breakfast bar far into the dining room they will not gain any room in the kitchen, and as they are already planning changes in the kitchen that will take away any eat-in space in the kitchen, the dining room will be the main sit-down eating space, and I think having a dining table and a breakfast bar and stools/chairs will be too much, cluttering everything together and making it difficult to pass through. But I'm biased against the whole endeavor, so I'm probably not the best voice on these plans. Still, I'm upset that this may be the final solution for this woman to see a way to fix the kitchen to her satisfaction and thus make her comfortable enough to put in an offer ... and that likely means I'd be homeless before the end of the year ... in the Winter. Yea. The plans themselves have bothered me as well because it will be bad enough to lose this house and my connection to my grandmother, but to know it will be grossly changed is like ripping her from the house. I just don't want that. As a result I had another night of less than full sleep, unable to shut my mind off from spinning with thoughts and worries. Again, yea. I've wondered if I'm being overly dramatic about this, my worries and fears and how openly I've been expressing them, but I really don't feel that I am. I don't know how anyone else could feel any less frightened and concerned in my position. I hate to think that anyone else is going through these same kinds of worries, and I certainly don't want to think that other people are in fact losing their homes with no place to go in the very beginning of the Winter. Sadly I know there are far too many people facing these things, and I'm not in any position to even help myself let alone any of them. What kind of world are we living in where houses are torn down by cities and banks because they have sat vacant too long and yet there are millions of people homeless across this country? Posted at 8:29 AM
I haven't written anything about it yet in this Journal, but my Mom called me Friday to tell me that my sister's mother-in-law, Haroldine, was told she has six months to live at best. I haven't written about it because I've had a hard time figuring out how to deal with it. I suppose it's odd to talk about my sister's mother-in-law at all. For most people that would be a distant relative that you barely knew or even knew about, but Haroldine has always been so much more. She has been always pleasant, always supportive, always interested in our side of the family, and always generous. In fact I would say in the twenty years since she's been my sister's mother-in-law she has been more connected with me through visits, calls, letter, and gifts than any of my many aunts and uncles have over the course of my whole life. She is a strong, smart, and impressive woman who has had interest in and support of history, the arts, and the area where she lives, and she has been a great grandmother to my nephew and niece. She was also a great friend to my grandmother, and it would tear my grandmother up (were she still alive) to know that yet another person she loved was going to die from cancer. Haroldine is now suffering from a severe cancer that has invaded her bone marrow and which hasn't diminished with chemo or radiation, even using a new type of radiation treatment. Haroldine has had cancer three times before and beaten it each time, and she has had hip surgery and a variety of other issues that have come one after the other over the past few years without really leaving her any break where she could just be healthy and at peace for a bit, and despite that she was always upbeat and determined to get better - and she did. This time, though, it seems her body can't keep up, and she is mentally and emotionally realizing that and trying to accept it. I have been trying to decide how to think about this for myself. I love Haroldine and wish she would somehow survive this, but I don't want her to suffer at all, and part of me thinks that she has been fortunate to beat cancer so many times in the past and have a few extra years as a result. That offers little comfort, though, and even though Haroldine has lived a long life, it seems unfair that someone so good as she is will die while many other people will live who are horrible, selfish, and destructive. There isn't no logic or fairness about any of it, as is pretty much always the case with life. I have also sought a way to reach out to Haroldine and say how sorry I am without sounding trite or maudlin. She's not the kind of person who would want declarations of sympathy, but like anyone I am sure she doesn't want to feel alone at this time, and I'm sure she needs to comfort of knowing she is loved and will be missed. I still need to think more about how to express that. I will, but I'm still not sure the best way. There is no good way to say goodbye forever to someone you love. Posted at 8:20 AM
I had a call last night from Bill, the realtor, telling me that the woman who has been interested in the house wants to send her contractor to look at the kitchen tomorrow morning. I reminded Bill that she had already had her contractor look with her realtor and then herself had come back with the realtor a couple weeks later to look at the suggested options. Bill explained that this will be a different contractor, and while I suppose this new contractor will surely have a new perspective, I'm not sure what he will propose differently considering she has already had suggestions to gut the kitchen, blow out a wall three feet further into the dining room, reroute the entry stairway, and expand into the hall closet - and none of these proposals seemed to bother her in terms of effort, physical change to the look of other rooms, or expense, but none were satisfactory enough for her to go ahead. So perhaps the new contractor can come up with an idea; I'm not sure what she is looking for considering the range of proposals I heard her last contractor offer. Anyhow, I am back to being freaked out by this again and was awake part of the night last night worrying. I'm not a worrier by nature, but the lack of security I've faced not just in the last six months since the house was put up for sale with no idea where I will go or how I will pay for it. I faced the same fears and worries during the last six of the nine years I took care of my grandma when my mother would repeatedly call me on a random day, tell me she had decided to move my grandmother to live with her and sell the house -- then decide a month or two later that she wouldn't do that for some reason -- then call again three or four months later and start the whole hand-wringing mess over again. I've been on edge and feeling no security about my place of living for over eight years and it wears on me. But I must admit that it is much worse now that ever before because I not only face homelessness and no security or continuity but I also have no job and no sign that I will have a job to pay for cost of living expenses. In the past I always - blindly - just assumed I would get a job when I left caring for my grandma, and I assumed it wouldn't be too hard or take too long, and that seemed a reasonable assumption based upon my past experiences of always being able to get a job very quickly - not always a great job or an ideal job, but a job, and if it was less-than-great I was always able to use the job to either advance to a better job within the company or to get another, better job somewhere else, all fairly quickly. My assumption was good based upon my past experiences, but it was horribly optimistic considering the state of the current job market. So now I have not only the fear of being homeless and having to pack up and find a new place to live at just about any moment, but I have no reason to believe I can pay for any place to live when I do in fact leave. Until I have a job I will not have that sense of security that I can cover any expenses at all, and while my family seems to think I'm ridiculous when I tell any of them that I greatly fear being homeless and living in an alley, it is indeed a tremendous fear for me and something that not only doesn't seem ridiculous but seems nearly a sure thing under the circumstances (and the fact that my family repeatedly dismisses any concerns I have and show no lack of concern at all only suggests to me that I am completely on my own and even more likely to be simply poor, jobless, and homeless and without any way out. Without a job or any hope of a job I don't see how I'm supposed to "magically believe" that anything better than that can happen. So the reappearance of this potential buyer - who clearly likes the house except for the kitchen set-up/layout - is freaking me out. As if it isn't enough to worry about being very quickly and imminently homeless it's worse to know that I would be homeless in the middle of an already colder-than-usual Ohio Winter. Even moving at this time of year would be a bad idea, but having my lack of prospects at this time of year is more frightening than I can convey. Why can't I just die now - from heart attack, stroke, cancer or anything - so that I don't fall headfirst into this pit of doom that's opening before me. My life is already miserable now, but I realize it could be much, much worse. I really don't want to have to go on with it like it is and going on with a life that's worse, well, that may be the final impetus I need to finally take matters into my own hands. It's bad enough now; I can't bear worse. Posted at 8:16 AM
The lack of job prospects is on my mind today (as pretty much every day), but it has left me unable to think of anything else to write about. So rather than whine about the lack of listings around Thanksgiving time, the lack of calls for interviews or some kind of follow-up, the lack of interviews, or the diminishing strength of will to bear this, I'll just stop where I'm at - that's quite enough to give you more than a clear picture of how I'm feeling. I am thankful, as is appropriate for the season, that my mother has kept me with a roof over my head, heat in that house, and enough help to keep food in my belly - all despite other family members apparently telling her not to do so. I am thankful for the emotional support I've had from my friends, despite the fact that they're flung out around the world and have their own busy lives. And I'm thankful to my grandma - because if I had ever come to being in such a situation as I find in now, with such prolonged joblessness and poverty, I would never have lasted this long if I couldn't look back upon the time preceding this and remember the time I had with my grandma and what I was able to do for her for the final nine years of her life. Without that, the last and possibly best deed of my life, to look back upon, how could I bear the hopelessness and pointlessness of all of this? Posted at 8:52 AM
I don't remember ever having a night like a did last night. I fell asleep watching crap TV in bed around a quarter to 11 PM, woke an hour later, turned off the TV and went back to sleep. I woke then at 2:15 Am for no clear reason, decided to go to the bathroom, then headed back to sleep, but before I even started to return to sleep I heard weird noises I couldn't identify and stayed awake for maybe 20 minutes listening to that and then finally drifting off. I woke again at 5 Am with a charlie-horse in my right leg (the first charlie-horse I've had in years), got my leg to calm down, went to the bathroom (why not) and went back to bed, but couldn't get back to sleep because my brain wanted to think. I got up just before 5:30 AM to futz around on the computer for a bit and tried to go back to sleep around a quarter to 6 AM. A few minutes before 7 AM I gave up and just got up for the day and have been awake since. I'm not tired, really, but I don't remember a night like that. I had a mild ache/soreness in my back that I was aware of a few times during the night - and of course the charlie-horse - so I imagine some of this is from the yardwork yesterday, but I've done much more significant physical exertion and never had a night like last night, so I don't know what to think. It didn't hurt anything, and I don't feel tired, so it's no big deal; it's just unusual and makes me wonder. Oh well. Posted at 8:26 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © December 2013
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December 31, 2013
