June 2013

June 30, 2013

Still anxious ...

Posted at 8:51 AM

June 29, 2013

I got a call yesterday afternoon to arrange an interview for Monday. I'm getting more and more excited about the possibilities and would really like to get this job. At the same time I see myself getting more and more excited and I'm getting more and more worried that I'm setting myself up for a big letdown.

Let's face it, my job situation has been a huge disappointment overall, and if I go on this past year's experiences the natural thing to expect is more of the same, much as I'd prefer it to be otherwise. It's a precarious situation emotionally because the whole thing is depressing, and even though I've managed to persevere, it's in these moments where I come really close and then get rejected that the hole of it slaps me in the face and the magnitude of the whole depressing thing is unavoidable.

I will continue to hope for the best, but I'm hoping I can temper my expectations at least a bit. I really want this, but if I don't it's going to hurt really bad.

Posted at 9:01 AM

June 28, 2013

My nephew was in the hospital most of yesterday and the day before. I - of course - was unaware of anything for more than the first twenty-four hours because ... WHO KNOWS WHY! I suppose I shouldn't be upset. He isn't my child and heck, it's better to have gotten a short text message from my sister a little over a day later than when my niece was in the hospital last year for nearly a week before I heard from my mother about it. So, yeah, it's nice that I'm kept in the loop like that.

Posted at 9:11 AM

June 27, 2013

We've started a string of rainy days and Nature doesn't even have the courtesy to cool down a bit. How rude.

Posted at 9:08 AM

June 26, 2013

Yesterday's "phone interview" was not really an interview at all, just a verbal confirmation of things I had typed and checked in the web-page application - twice. Considering I also posted an electronic signature - twice - confirming that everything I had entered was true, this seems overkill, particularly considering it wasn't anything really controversial or even all that important.

But it's done, and now I wait to see if I get a real interview (the kind where you meet a person face to face). I suppose I should be happy that I've proceeded farther than the 'file application and proceed to hear nothing' stage, but I just remain frustrated that getting a job has somehow become this Sisyphean effort. What happened that I've been cast into this purgatory?

Posted at 9:54 AM

June 25, 2013

I have a phone interview this afternoon (whatever that means ... we'll see) and I'm going to need to put a lot of energy into bering upbeat and energetic because right now I'm quite depressed and just feeling unpleasant. It's not like I haven't had to force myself to put on an outward show of nothing being wrong before - I've had to do it countless times - but I feel more pressure today with so much hanging on this phone interview. For all I know this could be the chance I've waited a year for and potentially lead to a job, so I don't want to screw it up. But it could also be just one more in a string of disappointments that by this time I should certainly expect of everything. No matter which is closer to the truth, I have to try. I have pretty much nothing else left otherwise (no expectations, no hope, no positivity), but I am still holding firm to my commitment to try - and keep trying - for as long as it takes ... no matter how difficult it gets to keep making the effort.

Posted at 9:36 AM

June 24, 2013

As if Ohio in general and Sandusky specifically didn't drive me crazy enough with the crazy, immoral, and illegal actions of the Republicans that seem to dominate the state and the outrageously extreme anti-gay constitutional amendments and lack of support for equality, I also have to apparently put up with outright thuggish behavior to gay people only a mile or two from where I live.

Gay Man Beaten In Assault Outside Cleveland, Ohio

A gay man from Norwalk and his friend were attacked and beaten earlier this week while visiting a 7-Eleven in Sandusky, Ohio about 60 miles outside Cleveland. Fox 8 reports:

"The victim and his friend were inside the 7-Eleven initially and the two suspects walked in right after them," said Detective Gary Wichman with the Sandusky Police Department. "The two suspects had left the store prior to the two victims and it apparently happened right after that."

Police say Angel Kennedy, 23, and Neno Miller, 18, confronted the 22-year-old victim inside the 7-Eleven.

Surveillance cameras were rolling as the victim said he and his friend were taunted and called names.

"The victim described himself as flamboyant, and he felt that because of his sexual orientation, they were attacked because of that," added Detective Wichman.

While there is no surveillance video of the attack, the police report states the victim was repeatedly punched in the face, even kicked in the ribs. The two suspects took wallets from the victims and fled the scene before being arrested by police later that day. However, whether or not the two suspects will be charged with a hate crime is still in question.

"Right now, under Ohio Revised Code, it doesn't recognize what happened as a hate crime. We had looked into it and according to the prosecutor, it doesn't fall under a hate crime," said Detective Wichman.

Ohio law allows judges to consider "hate" circumstances in sentencing if, "in committing the offense, the offender was motivated by prejudice based on race, ethnic background, gender, sexual orientation or religion." At the sentencing hearing, the judge has broad discretion to decide how much consideration, if any, will be given to "hate crime factors."

Posted at 9:08 AM

June 23, 2013

Nothing good can come from my keystrokes today ...

Posted at 9:18 AM

June 22, 2013

Temperature-wise I should live in Alaska, but the periods of round-the-clock darkness would mess me up (and as a side note, I've applied for jobs in Alaska and gotten no traction there either, so that doesn't really open any options).

Posted at 9:44 AM

June 21, 2013

The first day of Summer and it's already hot and humid and horrible. THree months of this! Auggh ...

Posted at 8:30 AM

June 20, 2013

The headache remains. It makes you wish that it was just an mannerism instead, all of the pain at once and then over quickly.

Posted at 8:51 AM

June 19, 2013

Pain.

Posted at 8:24 AM

June 18, 2013

I got drenched yesterday when out looking for jobs, safe in the forecast from the weather man that it would be clear all day until late evening, maybe even overnight. Needless to say, being caught in a light then increasingly powerful - and lasting - rain storm at just half past Noon was not what I was led to expect.

Is it just me and some weirdness magnet (or doom magnet) or is this sort of thing normal for everybody? Because from my point of view it seems much more like it's me getting fucked all the time (not in the good way) and whole herds of other people get better outcomes.

Posted at 9:51 AM

June 17, 2013

It seems to me that most people are more willing to believe we are heading into a post-apocalyptic future of some sort than it is for them to believe we are heading into a cashless, fully equal society (ala Star Trek) where nobody goes hungry, everyone has a home, and people work in a field they prefer rather than whatever they can get.

Sure, a new world war could break out, aliens could finally attack, or zombies might somehow become real - stranger things have indeed happened - but I find it hard to believe. But the alternative - a peaceful society that makes sure everyone is card for - is already possible. We already make more than enough food to feed all of the people of the world adequately, but rather than distribute it we throw away hundreds of thousands of tons of food a year because we bought too much at home or because the farmer or grocery store couldn't sell it before it went bad. We have more housing than we know what to do with between empty houses in foreclosure or whole cities of new buildings in China that lie empty because there are too few people to afford them - but there is more than enough room for everyone to have a home. And the same goes for clothing and clean water and medicine and ways to produce electricity, and so on.

We have all of these things right now in excess, plentiful enough for everyone, but we find the Star Trek Earth of Gene Roddenberry's dreams to be a complete flight of fancy (Ha! A Cashless society) and believe instead that a dark, dismal future is coming where we will live like vermin in a shattered world. We could have it all - for all of us - RIGHT NOW but we won't, and because we won't and because we won't even try, we will in fact reach that post-apocalyptic future after all. Not because of aliens or plagues or wars or zombies but because of our own selfishness and lack of compassion, our unwillingness to share and help those less fortunate ... and we will deserve the hell we've brought upon ourselves.

Posted at 10:03 AM

June 16, 2013

It's hot - Africa hot - Tarzan couldn't stand this kind of hot.

Posted at 9:22 AM

June 15, 2013

The headache that won't go away continues, unslowed, undiminished, and unpopular. Fun times.

Posted at 9:25 AM

June 14, 2013

doom ... Doom ... DOOM ... DOOM ... DOOM ...

DOOM!

Posted at 6:47 AM

June 13, 2013

HEADACHE!

Posted at 9:54 AM

June 12, 2013

I've now officially been at the job search for a year. Hundreds (if not thousands) of applications and resumes submitted, a dismally small total of only four interviews in all that time (and only within the past four months) and (as should be obvious) no job offers. I'm past disbelief, shock, and frustration. Now it's just outright depression and hopelessness. I still haven't given up and don't plan to do so, but I must admit that I don't know what more I can do. I've changed my resume, applied in all sorts of different fields, added newspapers and search engines to the sources I look to for new jobs, and I've read all sorts of job-seeker advice columns - yet here I still am.

This is not the kind of anniversary anyone should have to face.

Posted at 9:36 AM

June 11, 2013

Still feeling physically miserable today but not enough that I'll die from it (like I'll ever die anyhow - clearly the universe is keeping me around because it enjoys laughing at my misfortune).

Posted at 8:22 PM

June 10, 2013

Feeling like crap today, physically and emotionally. Great.

Posted at 8:37 AM

June 9, 2013

Yesterday my friend Simon married his longtime girlfriend Casey (congratulations to you both!) and in the evening they arranged a casual get-together for friends - even more casual than a reception. I was invited to this get-together and had planned to attend, but being as it was being held in Chicago (where Simon and Casey live) I had to leave Saturday morning to attend the party that night and then stay in a super-super-cheap hotel room for one night before driving home the following day. Usually I would stay in Chicago for a few days to visit friends and look around and enjoy, but I just couldn't do it in my current financial state (i.e., ultra poor). Still, I was excited to go and looked forward to seeing the happy couple as it's been a couple years since I last saw them.

Of course my problem in all of this was in thinking that making sure I packed everything, planning my route and travel times, arranging a hotel, and getting a good night's sleep would be preparation enough. Of course the reality is that even if I account for every possible problem and make sure I've set everything up - even with contingencies - the universe will, the majority of the time, find a way to fuck it up and laugh at me anyhow. That's my life. I should know this by now.

I probably should have realized early on that I was doomed to not make it. Nothing at all went to plan yesterday morning, and what initially seemed like goofy little problems and klutzy movements were the signs of the coming apocalypse. I'm still upset about not going and the whole mess of things so I won't relive it for you at this time, but suffice to say that by just after Noon - when I should have long been ready and on the road - I was still solving problems in the house and still not fully ready and propping up a massive headache. I realized at that point that even if my luck completely changed for the better (which never happens) I still wouldn't be able to pull things together and get to the party with at best a half hour before it ended (and with the way had gone, I wasn't very confident about even a half hour).

I e.mailed an apology to Simon and Casey, but it seems quite inadequate. I did really want to be there. It's a once in a lifetime event, and I missed it. I miss a lot of those in the lives of my friend and family, and it hurts every time. It's a miserable life I have that I can't even briefly enjoy somebody else's moment of happiness, but that's the way it always seems to be. If you ever wonder why I would rather be dead than live my life, this is one of the significant reasons: if I can't even find brief moments of happiness, moments I can remember fondly to reflect happily upon against the sea of bad memories, then why would I want to live? It's just not worth it without at least some fleeting moments of happiness to shine against the darkness.

Posted at 10:27 AM

June 8, 2013

This morning is not going at all as expected ... or as usual ... or as needed. Things better turn around fast.

Posted at 11:42 AM

June 7, 2013

It would be nice of this headache would go away - maybe just for a day even. Even headaches need vacations, don't they?

Posted at 9:13 AM

June 6, 2013

Yesterday was a rush of yard work, car-washing, errands around town, sorting mail, putting things away, and catching up on e.mail, nothing of which in itself is overly taxing but together made for a busy, full day. Today I still have things to do but not so many and expect a bit more relaxed day, but as it's raining all day today I'm glad I was able to get things done yesterday before the storms. Now if I'd just get a call offering me a job - and if my headache would go away - then I might feel a little better.

Posted at 9:32 AM

June 5, 2013

I did get more sleep last night, but the headache remains - painfully so - and now I have all sorts of stuff that needs to be done today or within the next couple of days.

Wheeee!

Posted at 9:19 AM

June 4, 2013

I got back from a few days visiting my family at my sister's house. I got to see my sister, brother-in-law, nephew, and niece; and I also saw my sister's mother-in-law and my own mother, who was also visiting. My nephew graduated from high school on Friday and I was able to attend the ceremony and my niece finished eighth grade and had a "progression" ceremony yesterday to mark her movement to the high school at the day school she attends. I also caught my niece's piano recital Sunday and a celebratory crab and fried chicken dinner last night with family, neighbors, and a couple of friends of my nephew and niece to celebrate everyone's graduations. In between all of those things my nephew, niece and sister went to a number of graduation parties (while I stayed with my brother-in-law as we both felt we would be out-of-place and possibly know next to nobody). It was actually really nice to be able to sit and talk so much with Pat, my brother-in-law, because often he is busy when my sister and her kids come to Sandusky and of course my nephew and niece are the focus on the rare chances I can get out to visit them at home in the Eastern Shore of Maryland.

I tried a new travel route to try to avoid tolls - a different route there and a different route back - and while I saved money on tolls as I'd hoped, the extended route, slow movement, delays, and mass of twists and turns made this far less than worthwhile. It was a good idea, but as is often the case with my good ideas, I end up not getting a pleasant outcome, even when the original goal is met.

So it was a nice but busy and tiring past six days, two of which were just solid travel. I had a headache the whole time - which surged on Saturday and today to where it's been quite unpleasant, and I've been fairly depressed the whole time - horribly so Saturday and fairly much today, although I'm so tired right now I'm tending towards shutting down and sleeping before the depression can do any more damage.

Hopefully I sleep long and soundly tonight, and hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow ... but hope never works for me any other time, so I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

Posted at 8:06 PM

June 3, 2013

I had begun to see the possibility of hope in my job search over the past week and a half.

Silly me.

Posted at 9:28 AM

June 2, 2013

June is not off to a great start.

I've had a constant headache for the past few days, but yesterday it was quite painful - to the point of nearly shutting me down in some ways.

Combine that with some very severe depression - and not just the kind that swoops in unpredictably from a chemical imbalance (although I would say that was part of it, too, just not the only part) - but I had allowed myself to reflect on certain things about life and simply crashed and burned. I take great efforts NOT to reflect on things because this is invariably the result, but yesterday, as is sometimes the case, I had things stirred in me and that triggered some reflection, and once started it's nearly impossible to break free from the downward spiral.

Today I am somewhat better. The headache remains but is tolerable, and while I'm somewhat depressed it's just the more regular variety, not the crushing, walls-closing-in, DOOOM! feeling I had yesterday. It's sad that having a painful headache and a great sadness from depression seems like a good thing, but compared to yesterday this is a tremendous improvement.

Posted at 9:09 AM

June 1, 2013

Fragile.

Posted at 9:45 AM