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February 2003

February 28, 2003

Okay. Even though I didn't feel good yesterday (and continue to feel poorly today as well), I have no excuse except idiocy for last night. What makes me say that, you might ask? Well, it's because I forgot it was THURSDAY and didn't go to Big Boy for my sole weekly get-together with my friends.

It occurred to me while I was shaving this morning. I was just running a few different things through my head and then - boom - I realized that it was Friday morning and that I hadn't gone to coffee last night. Not only do I feel like a moron, but it really sucks because I won't have my weekly fix of intelligent conversation and human interaction this week. I only have myself to blame, but I'm just so frustrated about the whole thing.

So I missed the one thing that makes each week worth living. How exactly could I just forget? It's just driving me crazy. What an idiot I am.

Posted at 8:45 PM

February 27, 2003

Ugh. I think I'm getting sick. A cold or something. I'm tired, achy, have a droning headache that won't go away, and I hacked up some unnaturally green phlegm this morning (and no, I didn't save any for you). It's probably not overly surprising, considering that the studio that I use as my living room and kitchen is uncomfortably cold and the studio where I sleep and type up papers is like a sauna. The extremes of temperature have been playing havoc with me for months, but usually I'm fortunate enough to have a while in average temperatures when I'm at the university or when I'm in the car going to and from classes. As it happens, all of my professors cancelled the classes for Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (which should be a truly wonderful thing), but there is a downside in having to suffer the extremes of temperature in my rooms at the Arts Center. Yeah me.

Regardless of whether I have a cold or not, I have been incredibly lethargic and uncomfortable today. Hopefully this will pass, because it sucks in a big way.

Posted at 8:36 PM

February 26, 2003

Take that, Tony Blair!

For those of you who don't know (because you've had your head in the sand or been in a coma or something), the vast majority of the world is opposed to a war in Iraq. In Britain, sentiments are very strongly opposed to a war (which once again shows how wise the Brits truly are), and vast numbers of people (in and out of the British government) have been protesting Prime Minister Tony Blair's plans. There had been rumors that a massive rebellion within his own party would lead a groundswell of opposition to Blair's intentions against Iraq, and today saw even more dramatic numbers than anyone fully expected.

My utmost respect goes out to those members of Parliament who are standing for sanity and peace. Let's hope the numbers increase in the U.S. Congress in a similar fashion.

Here's the article from the London Times:

Labour mutiny leaves Blair out on a limb
(Case for Iraq war rejected in biggest-ever government rebellion)
By Philip Webster, Political Editor

A MASS mutiny by more than 120 Labour MPs over war with Iraq left Tony Blair facing a perilous moment in his premiership last night.

The rebels were among 199 MPs — almost a third of the Commons — who voted against early military action to disarm President Saddam Hussein. It was the biggest revolt against any governing party in parliamentary history and it served notice on the Prime Minister that he will have to win a second UN resolution to avoid his future being called into question.

Amid dramatic scenes in the Commons, 121 Labour rebels joined 13 Conservatives and 52 Liberal Democrats to vote for an amendment declaring that the case for military action had not yet been made.

The rebel amendment was defeated by 393 votes to 199, a majority of 194. The government motion backing its UN efforts to disarm Saddam was passed by 434 votes to 124. On that the revolt fell to 59 MPs.

Despite last-minute arm-twisting by the whips and pledges by Jack Straw and Mr Blair that MPs would have another opportunity to debate war, the Labour revolt dwarfed the worst of the last Parliament — on lone parents and disability benefit.

Even more worrying for Mr Blair were the private warnings from dozens of Labour MPs who remained loyal yesterday that they would be unable to support him if he sought to go to war without UN authority. In those circumstances Mr Blair would probably need Tory MPs’ support to secure Parliament’s backing for military action.

Acknowledging that before the debate began, Mr Blair told MPs that he was working “flat out” to secure the passage of a UN resolution which concludes that Saddam had failed to take his “final opportunity”.

But Mr Blair now clearly faces a devastating split in his party if he goes to war without UN approval. The Times was told authoritatively last night that by lunchtime yesterday Labour whips had expected 145 MPs to rebel. They managed to dissuade about 20 of them and believe that the rebel tally would fall dramatically if a second UN resolution were passed.

Downing Street was taken aback by the scale of the revolt, but insiders said that it was unlikely to sway Mr Blair. “You have seen what he is like. He believes he is doing the right thing,” one said. John Reid, the Labour Chairman, said: “It is roughly what what I would have expected from meeting people throughout the country and inside the Labour Party.”

Charles Kennedy, the Liberal Democrat leader, said MPs had sent a potent signal. “This is a very significant parliamentary occasion,” he said. “Despite investing masses of political and parliamentary capital, the Government has still failed to persuade a third of the House of Commons.”

Mr Blair and President Bush have embarked on a frantic campaign to persuade waverers in the 15-member Security Council to support the resolution when it is put to the vote the week after next.

Mr Blair voiced his hope and expectation that the resolution would be passed and ministers privately believe that the Security Council will be persuaded and that France will refrain from exercising its veto. But ministers admit that if the count were taken now, Britain and the US could not be sure of winning the day.
Mr Blair also appeared to shift position on his past insistence that he would go to war without the UN only if there was an “unreasonable” veto in the face of clear evidence that Saddam had not fulfilled his obligations under previous UN resolutions. Yesterday he said that any veto would be unreasonable if Iraq were in material breach. Resolution 1441 had made it absolutely clear that Iraq had a final opportunity to disarm. If it did not comply, it was in breach.

In the Commons, the opposition to military action was spread across the parties with the former Conservative Chancellor Kenneth Clarke and the former Labour Cabinet ministers Chris Smith and Frank Dobson leading the way.

Mr Clarke called for more time to be given to diplomatic efforts to disarm Saddam. He was a strong supporter of the Atlantic alliance and not some “anti-American, left-wing, peacenik”, but it was time to put down a marker and say that the “other approaches — diplomatic, deterrent policy, the use of threat to get compliance, have not yet been exhausted”.

Leading the case for the Government, Mr Straw invoked the UN’s predecessor, the League of Nations, saying: “The League failed because it could not create actions from its words. It could not back diplomacy with the credible threat and, where necessary, the use of force.

“ So small evils went unchecked, tyrants became emboldened, then greater evils were unleashed. At each stage good men and women said ‘not now — wait, the evil is not big enough to challenge’. Then, before their eyes, the evil became too big to challenge. We had slipped down a slope, never noticing how far we had gone until it was too late. We owe it to our history as well as to our future not to make the same mistake again.”

Posted at 9:38 PM

February 25, 2003

Ah, if only writing papers was truly this easy ...

Posted at 9:06 PM

February 24, 2003

I feel old. Damn.

Posted at 10:36 PM

February 23, 2003

I'm really dragging. This latest wave of loneliness and depression is just oppressive, and it's hard enough to get out of bed in the morning let alone read a single paragraph for an assignment and remember a single thing. And that's just reading; writing for my classes, any kind of writing whether it's fiction or a critical analysis or a reading journal or whatever - it's like my mind simply can't string together more than a handful of sentences before losing direction or failing to make sense. Even on my better days, it takes me a while to read and write things - I do both things very deliberately, seeing the images created by the words in my mind, and I want to fully understand and fully make myself understood - it's probably really insane for me to be so overly focused and precise, but that's how it is. And if that weren't bad enough, I'm useless when I'm this depressed. I read a paragraph of something and can't see what it's describing or trying to impart because my mind is completely occupied with whatever is bothering me and with just wanting to shut down. So I read the same paragraph over and over again until I finally get it, and then I move onto the next. It's like some fucked up emotional learning disability. And writing ... psshht ... well, that's just about hopeless.

Needless to say, this is turning into my worst semester since my breakdown, and I'm not even sure that it won't be my worst ever - my breakdown was in a Spring semester when I was getting similarly distracted and behind in classes, and it didn't fully swallow me up until Spring Break. Break is in two weeks, and I'm not getting any better, and I swear I simply can't bear the idea that I might give in, lose what tenuous hold I have on sanity and just stop fighting everything that I feel, all of the feelings of pain and emptiness that pull me down and make me too tired to care or feel alive. I'm terrified of that. I don't know if I could pull myself back another time. Damn, why am I so fucked up?

Well, in any case I'm just going to struggle tomorrow to get a paper written before class. We'll see how it works. Hopefully I'll get it done and be able to still keep up with things. Hopefully.

Posted at 11:42 PM

February 22, 2003

Flee while you can! The fascist state being created buy der fuehrer, George W. Bush, is getting closer as each day passes. The most recent news I've read is just the next piece of the puzzle (although I'm really surprised that the propaganda machine within the Bush administration allowed even this article to get out). The bottom line is that Bush and his cadre of elitist cretins are copying the path that led Hitler to unstoppable power and tyranny (and I'm quite serious; read the history and compare what is happening in Bush's initiatives, laws, rhetoric, skapegoatism, and fervor for war).

Anyhow, this latest news, that anti-war groups can't promote their opinion, comes as no surprise but infuriates me to no end. Read for yourself:

Foes of War Have Trouble Getting TV Ads

``Take it from a couple of old ice cream guys,'' Jerry Greenfield says in a recent TV ad arguing against war in Iraq. ``Demonstrate. Act.''

On the screen below Greenfield and his partner Ben Cohen, a disclaimer makes clear that their former ice cream company and Unilever, the conglomerate that bought it from the hippie capitalists three years ago, aren't involved in the campaign.

The ad is one of six made recently for a coalition of peace groups including Cohen and Greenfield's, TrueMajority. Others appearing in the ads are a retired rear admiral, a Methodist bishop, and entertainers including Susan Sarandon and Mos Def.

But the ads have been rejected by the major TV networks, and had a mixed reception among local cable operators.

Network representatives generally cite standing policies against running advocacy ads.

``CNN does not take advocacy ads related to regions in conflict,'' said spokesman Jim Weiss.

Cohen and Greenfield say their message would counter the air time devoted to Bush administration pronouncements about the likely need for war.

``We're not able to get fair coverage editorially,'' Cohen said. ``If we can't get it editorially, then we'll have to buy time to get our message across. Now even if you buy time, they're refusing to let us get our message across.''

Weiss said Cohen appeared recently on the network's ``TalkBack Live'' program ``to discuss his group and their mission. So while we don't accept their ad or their advertising dollars, we did allow their voice to be heard.''

After CNN, which is owned by AOL-Time Warner, rejected TrueMajority's request to buy national ad time, a Time Warner local cable system in New York agreed to run them, but then pulled two of the four spots, said Duane Peterson, a longtime associate of Cohen and Greenfield.

A Time Warner cable spokesman, who declined to be identified, said he believed only one of the ads had been rejected, before it ran, for reasons of taste.

The ads, which show still photographs and video of war casualties, were deemed too graphic, Cohen said.

An allied group, MoveOn.org, last month made its own anti-war ad, a remake of the famous ``Daisy'' commercial that aired during the 1964 presidential campaign and sought to paint Republican nominee Barry Goldwater as an extremist likely to lead the country into nuclear war. The ad depicted a girl plucking petals from a daisy - along with a missile launch countdown and a nuclear mushroom cloud.

TrueMajority's other efforts to get their message out include print ads and a campaign to send e-mails to members of Congress.

Cohen also said opponents of a war in Iraq are wearing blue ribbons, the United Nations' color.

Posted at 8:14 PM

February 21, 2003

I'm getting really pissed off with the idiocy of the College Republicans on campus. There is (as is to be expected on a college campus) a clear debate over the potential of war in Iraq, and the College Republicans are of the opinion that war is great and George Bush is some messianic figure with purely altruistic intentions and a great, honed wisdom (Wow! Are they wrong!). Anyhow, they are certainly entitled to their own opinions, but to attempt to ruin a peace rally by declaring the protestors to be unAmerican and hippies who don't appreciate people in the armed services is just the worst type of self-serving, ignorant propaganda. Their collective idiocy just drives me crazy.

So around all of this I've been thinking of the real cost of a war, and it reminded me of a song by George Michael (not that he's tops on my list of pop singers, but the song is poignant):

Mother´s Pride

Oh she knows
She takes his hand
And prays the child will understand
At the door they watch the men go by
In the clothes that daddy wore
Mother's pride
Baby boy
His father's eyes
He's a soldier waiting for a war
Time will come
He'll hold a gun
His father's son

And as he grows
He hears the band
Takes the step from boy to man
At the shore she waves her son goodbye
Like the man she did before
Mother's pride
Just a boy
His country's eyes
He's a soldier waving at the shore
And in her heart the time has come
To lose a son

And all the husbands, all the sons, all the lovers gone
They make no difference
No difference in the end
Still hear the woman say your daddy died a hero
In the name of God and man
Mother's pride
Crazy boy
His lifeless eyes
He's a soldier now forevermore
He'll hold a gun till kingdom come

Posted at 5:36 PM

February 20, 2003

Kristina invited me to her birthday Toga party in late March. It feels nice to be asked to go, but I feel weird about the whole Toga thing. It's certainly not like I'm a prude or anything, but I'm self-conscious enough of my body as it is without only a draped sheet between me and a roomful of people. I'll have to think about it.

The invite from Kristina was one of a variety of things we talked about. Chris, Heather, Kristina and Laura joined me at Big Boy for our weekly get together. Laura had this great new haircut - about shoulder length and flowing straight. It's a good new look for her very golden hair. We have all been a bit subdued, in general. I don't know how this semester is hitting everyone else, although we all seem to feel pretty burned out and frustrated, but I'm really dragging through everything for the last few weeks.

That feeling of dragging through everything is mostly from my depression, and I just can't get rid of it. These Thursday nights with friends are the only thing keeping me stable, but even tonight I drove back to Toledo feeling down. I really need to be around my friends more.

We're all thinking about seeing "The Vagina Monologues" on Monday night, so that should give me a bit more contact with the important people in my life.

Posted at 1:12 AM

February 19, 2003

Why am I always attracted to guys who don't want to have anything to do with me?

It's just depressing.

Posted at 7:57 PM

February 18, 2003

Flying monkeys my ass!

Posted at 9:13 PM

February 17, 2003

Okay, so I caught the tail end of a dream again today. This one had me moving from one place to another, each place very detailed and investigated a bit before moving to the next. I can't remember quite why I was going through these places, but the mere fact that I recalled a dream at all, even just the briefest part, is simply amazing considering I've gone twenty-five years without that experience (except for the two dreams from a couple of nights ago and the one from a year or so ago (plus various nightmares over the years)). It's just all very weird

I don't know what to make of this sudden access to my dreams. It's not like I'm remembering all sorts of them, but any at all is a significant change. This morning's remembrance was not as upsetting as the one from Wednesday by any means, but I'm still somewhat spooked by the whole idea that my dreams are sticking with me. I wonder if this will last, and I wonder exactly what it will mean to my emotional state - will things be disturbing or not? I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

All I hope is that if I keep remembering dreams, hopefully they'll be good.

Posted at 9:42 PM

February 16, 2003

It's good to know that there are at least a few people in the United States Congress who are standing up for the will of the people. West Virginia's Senator Byrd has always been an advocate of the will of the people, and his recent speech on the Senate floor is simply his latest stand for the popular sentiment of the American people (and his latest stand for intelligent thought, for that matter).

Reckless Administration May Reap Disastrous Consequences
by US Senator Robert Byrd
Senate Floor Speech
Wednesday, February 12, 2003

To contemplate war is to think about the most horrible of human experiences. On this February day, as this nation stands at the brink of battle, every American on some level must be contemplating the horrors of war.

Yet, this Chamber is, for the most part, silent -- ominously, dreadfully silent. There is no debate, no discussion, no attempt to lay out for the nation the pros and cons of this particular war. There is nothing.

We stand passively mute in the United States Senate, paralyzed by our own uncertainty, seemingly stunned by the sheer turmoil of events. Only on the editorial pages of our newspapers is there much substantive discussion of the prudence or imprudence of engaging in this particular war.

And this is no small conflagration we contemplate. This is no simple attempt to defang a villain. No. This coming battle, if it materializes, represents a turning point in U.S. foreign policy and possibly a turning point in the recent history of the world.

This nation is about to embark upon the first test of a revolutionary doctrine applied in an extraordinary way at an unfortunate time. The doctrine of preemption -- the idea that the United States or any other nation can legitimately attack a nation that is not imminently threatening but may be threatening in the future -- is a radical new twist on the traditional idea of self defense. It appears to be in contravention of international law and the UN Charter. And it is being tested at a time of world-wide terrorism, making many countries around the globe wonder if they will soon be on our -- or some other nation's -- hit list. High level Administration figures recently refused to take nuclear weapons off of the table when discussing a possible attack against Iraq. What could be more destabilizing and unwise than this type of uncertainty, particularly in a world where globalism has tied the vital economic and security interests of many nations so closely together? There are huge cracks emerging in our time-honored alliances, and U.S. intentions are suddenly subject to damaging worldwide speculation. Anti-Americanism based on mistrust, misinformation, suspicion, and alarming rhetoric from U.S. leaders is fracturing the once solid alliance against global terrorism which existed after September 11.

Here at home, people are warned of imminent terrorist attacks with little guidance as to when or where such attacks might occur. Family members are being called to active military duty, with no idea of the duration of their stay or what horrors they may face. Communities are being left with less than adequate police and fire protection. Other essential services are also short-staffed. The mood of the nation is grim. The economy is stumbling. Fuel prices are rising and may soon spike higher.

This Administration, now in power for a little over two years, must be judged on its record. I believe that that record is dismal.

In that scant two years, this Administration has squandered a large projected surplus of some $5.6 trillion over the next decade and taken us to projected deficits as far as the eye can see. This Administration's domestic policy has put many of our states in dire financial condition, under funding scores of essential programs for our people. This Administration has fostered policies which have slowed economic growth. This Administration has ignored urgent matters such as the crisis in health care for our elderly. This Administration has been slow to provide adequate funding for homeland security. This Administration has been reluctant to better protect our long and porous borders.

In foreign policy, this Administration has failed to find Osama bin Laden. In fact, just yesterday we heard from him again marshaling his forces and urging them to kill. This Administration has split traditional alliances, possibly crippling, for all time, International order-keeping entities like the United Nations and NATO. This Administration has called into question the traditional worldwide perception of the United States as well-intentioned, peacekeeper. This Administration has turned the patient art of diplomacy into threats, labeling, and name calling of the sort that reflects quite poorly on the intelligence and sensitivity of our leaders, and which will have consequences for years to come.

Calling heads of state pygmies, labeling whole countries as evil, denigrating powerful European allies as irrelevant -- these types of crude insensitivities can do our great nation no good. We may have massive military might, but we cannot fight a global war on terrorism alone. We need the cooperation and friendship of our time-honored allies as well as the newer found friends whom we can attract with our wealth. Our awesome military machine will do us little good if we suffer another devastating attack on our homeland which severely damages our economy. Our military manpower is already stretched thin and we will need the augmenting support of those nations who can supply troop strength, not just sign letters cheering us on.

The war in Afghanistan has cost us $37 billion so far, yet there is evidence that terrorism may already be starting to regain its hold in that region. We have not found bin Laden, and unless we secure the peace in Afghanistan, the dark dens of terrorism may yet again flourish in that remote and devastated land.

Pakistan as well is at risk of destabilizing forces. This Administration has not finished the first war against terrorism and yet it is eager to embark on another conflict with perils much greater than those in Afghanistan. Is our attention span that short? Have we not learned that after winning the war one must always secure the peace?

And yet we hear little about the aftermath of war in Iraq. In the absence of plans, speculation abroad is rife. Will we seize Iraq's oil fields, becoming an occupying power which controls the price and supply of that nation's oil for the foreseeable future? To whom do we propose to hand the reigns of power after Saddam Hussein?

Will our war inflame the Muslim world resulting in devastating attacks on Israel? Will Israel retaliate with its own nuclear arsenal? Will the Jordanian and Saudi Arabian governments be toppled by radicals, bolstered by Iran which has much closer ties to terrorism than Iraq?

Could a disruption of the world's oil supply lead to a world-wide recession? Has our senselessly bellicose language and our callous disregard of the interests and opinions of other nations increased the global race to join the nuclear club and made proliferation an even more lucrative practice for nations which need the income?

In only the space of two short years this reckless and arrogant Administration has initiated policies which may reap disastrous consequences for years.

One can understand the anger and shock of any President after the savage attacks of September 11. One can appreciate the frustration of having only a shadow to chase and an amorphous, fleeting enemy on which it is nearly impossible to exact retribution.

But to turn one's frustration and anger into the kind of extremely destabilizing and dangerous foreign policy debacle that the world is currently witnessing is inexcusable from any Administration charged with the awesome power and responsibility of guiding the destiny of the greatest superpower on the planet. Frankly many of the pronouncements made by this Administration are outrageous. There is no other word.

Yet this chamber is hauntingly silent. On what is possibly the eve of horrific infliction of death and destruction on the population of the nation of Iraq -- a population, I might add, of which over 50% is under age 15 -- this chamber is silent. On what is possibly only days before we send thousands of our own citizens to face unimagined horrors of chemical and biological warfare -- this chamber is silent. On the eve of what could possibly be a vicious terrorist attack in retaliation for our attack on Iraq, it is business as usual in the United States Senate.

We are truly "sleepwalking through history." In my heart of hearts I pray that this great nation and its good and trusting citizens are not in for a rudest of awakenings.

To engage in war is always to pick a wild card. And war must always be a last resort, not a first choice. I truly must question the judgment of any President who can say that a massive unprovoked military attack on a nation which is over 50% children is "in the highest moral traditions of our country". This war is not necessary at this time. Pressure appears to be having a good result in Iraq. Our mistake was to put ourselves in a corner so quickly. Our challenge is to now find a graceful way out of a box of our own making. Perhaps there is still a way if we allow more time.

Posted at 8:54 PM

February 15, 2003

Memory is an evil thing. Can't somebody just make it stop?

Posted at 9:35 PM

February 14, 2003

I always just love Chicago's Mayor Daley. The man is always good for a quote that I totally agree with:

``I really believe we have to get our priorities straight in Washington, D.C.,'' he said. ``You know - knock, knock. No one is home in Washington. They have to get reality. If they listen to people, they will find out what is happening.''

I'd sure as hell rather have Daley running things in Washington than Emperor Bush. As it is, we're being set up to go to hell in a handbasket -literally.

Posted at 10:28 PM

February 13, 2003

I had another dream last night.

Having - or more specifically remembering - a dream is, in it self, amazing for me, but for two different dreams to stay with me in successive nights is very shocking. This dream was less disturbing to me than the one from the night before last, and a large part of it involved me kissing a really cute guy. It was all fairly innocent, but this, along with a large part of the other dream, make it very clear to me that it's not just my conscious mind that is desperate for closeness and companionship but my subconscious as well. I don't suppose this should surprise me, but it does. In fact, it leaves me feeling even more empty when I think that between waking and sleeping, my mind is preoccupied 24-hours per day with being alone and feeling miserable in isolation. It's like there's no escape.

As a result of retaining dreams for two nights in a row, I was pretty fucked up today, getting very easily depressed and anxious, and I wasn't sure how I would even make it through my class.

During my Fiction Workshop, we workshopped my revision of Out of the Frying Pan as well as a story by another person. My story, while much more true to my original idea, was liked a great deal except for the revised ending. So I guess I have to rethink the whole thing some more. The various written remarks, which I didn't read until I got back here to the Arts Center, were fairly few and not terribly helpful. The only consistent thing about comments was that nobody suggested the same things as anybody else; they all had different views of the story.

After class and the fiction reading (featuring published author Lee Martin reading a story called "Belly Talk"), I went to 'the Boy' to try and relax. Eric and Kristina were chatting when I arrived, and Chris joined us later, but that was it for the group. Eric left early, and Chris and Kristina left a bit later to hear a hip-hop band at one of the local bars. It ended up being an early evening for our group, but then again it wasn't like all of the group was there anyhow. We had some interesting and relaxing conversation while we were together, and I thoroughly enjoyed it, but I really could have used alot more time around my friends to quelch some of the emotional stress I've been feeling the last couple of days. I guess I should be happy that I had some time with them at all (and I am), but I can still wish that I'd had more. Oh, well.

Posted at 12:47 AM

February 12, 2003

I had a dream last night.

If you haven't been reading this Journal for very long, or if you haven't heard me mention it for a while, let me explain that I don't remember my dreams. I haven't remembered my dreams since I was nine years old, in fact. I'm quite sure that I have them; there's too much scientific proof that people dream, even if they don't remember those dreams, but (more importantly) I sometimes actually wake up with nightmares and still have a lingering memory of the dream. I haven't had any nightmares for quite some time, and even when I used to have them I didn't usually have them very often. But last night wasn't a nightmare.

A while ago, over a year ago, I awoke remembering a dream, (not a nightmare but an actual dream). I believe I even wrote about it in this Journal, but I can't find the exact entry. I woke up remembering a dream of perfect happiness, watching a teenager playing soccer with the utmost happiness and smiling at me as I sat on the sidelines, cheering him on. The grass was a brilliant green, the trees around the field swayed lightly with a cooling breeze that gently pushed sparse clouds across the sky, and the light laughter of the boys as they played their game echoed subtly around the field and under the voices of cheering parents and coaches. The teenager on the field had a bond with me, a communication that went beyond words, conveyed simply with the glance that he gave me as he ran past with the ball in play. I knew instantly that he was my son or a close, constant friend, and I knew that this was merely a typical moment in a life of mutual happiness. I saw all of it perfectly and clearly when I awoke, with no aspect lost to my waking mind. And within that split-second that I realized I was awake and that it had all been a dream, I also realized that it was a perfect world, a world that could only - would only - exist in my dreams. And I knew that that was all it was - just a dream. All in that split-second, I saw all of that ... and then I cried. I cried for what I had seen, cried for what I wanted so badly, cried for what I needed, cried for what could never be. I cried for almost forty-five minutes. I cried, but I didn't forget. The memory of that dream, the last I had 'til last night, was graven in my memory, and it saddened and frightened me to know that it would never be.

Last night (or early this morning, to be specific), I had a new dream. A different dream - no less perfect, no less wonderful, but much more upsetting when I awoke to the world as it really is. I had thought I would write about it, but I find that now that I'm to the point of explaining it that I just can't. It hurts too much - it's too much what I want but can't have, and I just can't put my thoughts into words. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe soon. But not today.

All you need to know is that I saw what I truly want and need, and the absence of that dream, the impossibility of that dream in the real world, is very difficult to deal with. It may have been the perfect dream, but it feels like i've awoken into the nightmare.

Posted at 10:05 PM

February 11, 2003

No, I'm not having fun yet.

Posted at 9:47 PM

February 10, 2003

My first exam in my History of Ohio class was a dismal event in a dismal day. I could claim that I was horribly depressed - and it would be true. I could claim that I should have possibly studied more - and it would be true. But regardless of how depressed I was, I was well-versed enough to know everything I needed; it was just that time was against me.

The exam was composed of short answer questions and a single, very broad essay. I did great on the short answer identifications and am sure I will get full credit for them, and I even knew all that I needed for the essay and had a structure for how to discuss it. I just didn't have enough time. A fifty minute class is hardly long enough for a complicated essay, particularly when the short answer questions took more than fifteen minutes of my time.

The essay question is something that I could have made into a 5-7 page paper, even without referencing source material and just going from memory. There just was no way that I could do justice to it in thirty minutes. And being depressed and increasingly anxious about the exam just made it even worse. By the time I had to hand in my exam I had barely gotten a start on the essay. I had laid out a good idea of what should be considered in the answer, showing a sort of roadmap of what points I would discuss in what order. The problem was that I barely made it down that road, flying through what I could without taking time to point out many details and still not going fast enough to get even half way through the road trip. But when time is up, that's all there is to it.

I had heard that this particular professor was good but demanding, and I had heard that nobody ever had time to finish his essay question on any of his exams, but I never expected to make such a miserable showing of my knowledge. Now I'm worried about how tough of a grader the professor may be considering how displeased I, myself, was with the essay.

It wasn't a very good addition to an already depressing day.

Posted at 10:28 PM

February 9, 2003

Life's sucking a lot today. One song rings in my mind - "I am Waiting" by Yes.

I am Waiting - Yes

Am I waking to this magic?
Am I seeing all is human -
Human after all?

I wanna be inside your heart.
(Are you ready)
I wanna love forever.
(Are you thinking)
I wanna be inside your heart.
(What I'm thinking)
I wanna know you're with me.

Highways, starways, many ways
To be open tonight.
High time, look inside
Your life: I am waiting

I am waiting: are you ready?
I am waiting: can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

It happened in the water -
The heaven will fall -
The break in the water -
The secret birth -

Said she loves me; I believe her;
Waited lifetimes; say this to you -

I wanna be inside your heart.
(Are you ready)
I wanna love forever.
(Are you thinking)
I wanna be inside your heart.
(What I'm thinking)
I wanna know you're with me.

Highways, starways, many ways to be open tonight.
High time, look inside
Your life; I am waiting ...

Say you need me, I am yours.
Say you need me, just because.
(It's our freedom...)
It's our freedom; hear me now.
We are made to be here now.
We'll be waiting for the word,
As the healing of the world.
Make the promises to be true.
All my life my world is you.

I am waiting: Are you ready?
Are you ready?
I am waiting: Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

Are you out there? Can you hear me?

Posted at 11:21 PM

February 8, 2003

I was disappointed to learn that Hollywood is remaking the '70s movie Willard. The original was actually incredibly well done, and while it has the tackiness of most of the movies that came out of the early and mid seventies, it was indeed a classic of suspense.

Having seen the trailer for the new version, I am willing to reserve my judgment until I see more. From what I've seen, the new version will be incredibly faithful to the original (something that seems to never happen in Hollywood any more), and may well even be better since it will have better production values and escape that tacky feel of the original.

We'll have to see, but I'm not as dismissive as I had been. The truly amusing part of this is that I was trying to explain the original movie (as well as the sequel, Ben) to Chris, Heather, Eric, Laura, and Kristina a few weeks ago when we were watching Nosferatu and Shadow of the Vampire and commenting about the rats used in the movies. I don't think that they really saw how Willard could have been very good, based on my description, but they were polite enough to listen and nod. Maybe now they'll get the chance to understand what I was trying to explain.

Posted at 12:12 AM

February 7, 2003

Following my weird encounter yesterday (as noted in the last Journal entry), I skipped the poetry reading for the day and joined Heather, Chris, and Eric to watch Metropolis, the original silent film epic by Fritz Lang. For those of you who aren't familiar with the movie, it was way ahead of it's time, visually stunning, nearly bankrupted the movie studio that made it, had nearly 1.5 million feet of original film, and has been almost entirely unavailable for decades because no full copies remained intact. The version we saw (the 2002 Kino International Reconstruction) pulled scraps of every remaining source, including sections remade from partial negatives, and text summaries for parts that were irreparably lost (even with the lost parts it was still about two hours of viewing time).

The movie was simply stunning. The special effects were unbelievably ahead of their time; the concepts of the city and robots were unbelievably ahead of their time, and the magnitude of the sets and the thousands of actual people in the movie were staggering. It was quite an experience.

At the same time, I found myself aching to speak out with comments all the time, in the same vein as Mystery Science Theater 3000. Silent movies often just beg for silly jokes and comments, and it was all I could do to hold myself back. I was a good boy, though (and it's probably a good thing, too, because Heather would probably have beat on me for a while if I had caused a disturbance). Even so, it was great fun.

We made our way to Big Boy afterward, joining Laura and Kristina and even seeing Beth for the first time all semester, but we were fairly subdued for the rest of the evening. It was a good night though. I could go for a lot more evenings like that.

Posted at 10:46 PM

February 6, 2003

I had a weird encounter today.

A little background first - there's this guy in my Fiction Workshop named Scott. He's really gorgeous - hot even - and he's gay (and out, except for his family). He's drawn my attention from the first day because he's not only incredibly attractive but he's intelligent and articulate and quite self-confident. Even with all of that, there's just a tenderness about him that is also appealing. Now he's someone I can drool over but probably never get close to; he's way out of my league, able to pick and choose who he'd date, and he's just of a different mentality from me, being much more of the wild, party-type than me (at least more than I am now (and maybe more than I was when I was his age)). We've actually chatted with each other briefly before and after class a couple of times but nothing of substance. He's made it more than clear that he's gay (as if his affectations and the rainbow necklace didn't make it clear), but there hasn't been any reason to tell him I'm gay. I'm not hiding it or anything (in fact, as you'll read in a moment, I wear gay insignias visibly while I'm on campus), but I haven't seen any reason to just say, "Oh, I'm gay, too. Let's fuck like bunnies." ... or something similarly ridiculous.

Well today, before class, he started talking to me and then noticed the badges on the shoulder strap of my bookbag. I have these three gay insignia badges that are made similar to the military badges that are worn on officers' dress uniforms in the military (above the left breast pocket). Anyhow, one is a Greek letter Lambda on a purple and white field, one is a bar of rainbow stripes, and one is a pink triangle on a black and white field; to anyone who's ever seen any gay symbols, these send a pretty clear message. As I said earlier, I don't feel a need to scream out to everyone I meet that I'm gay (just like I don't expect straight people to yell out, "Hey, I'm a breeder!"), but I'm proud of who I am and I'm not at all ashamed, so I wear the gay badges rather prominently.

So Scott sees these insignia and says, "Oh wow!" and he points at them, "Are you a supporter?" Now my initial reaction is "What the heck is that supposed to mean?" and I'm somewhat confused, but then it rapidly dawns on me that he recognizes the gay insignia but can't imagine by looking at me that I could possibly be gay, so I must just be a supporter of gay rights. That actually made me somewhat angry. I mean, I don't have any of the stereotypical traits of gay guys (at least not any of the visible ones), and I'm a bit out of shape, but that doesn't mean that I couldn't possibly be gay. So he's just said this and all of these thoughts are running around in my head, leaving me flustered and a bit angry, and I say, "Well, yes, in a round-about way ..." and then I was going to actually say, "I'm gay," but I never got the chance. Scott just cut me off and rambles on about having been an officer in VISION (the campus GLBT group) last semester but he had to drop out and blah, blah, blah. That just ended up making me more mad, and I just decided to say fuck it and let him be surprised later.

My first story to be workshopped is a very revised version of Out of the Frying Pan with a completely different ending than what is currently on the site. We will workshop that on Thursday next week, and the central gay character, Matt, is sure to open a bit of discussion that will probably include considering my own perspectives as a gay man that have affected my writing. I'm curious to see Scott's reaction. I don't know exactly what I want to see, but I still feel a bit hurt by the whole situation today, innocent though it may have been on his part.

Posted at 1:12 AM

February 5, 2003

What a bad day.

I've been told a tremendous number of times that I'm stupid for looking at guys and being depressed that I'm alone (whether that means alone-not-with-them or just alone-with-noone). I've been told that what I really feel when I look at these guys is lust (regardless of the fact that I don't get hard and I don't have fantasies that include these guys I've looked at). I'm told that I'm all wrong about this idea that I need somebody to love in my life because if I can love myself then that's enough (which is problematic since I only really love myself when I'm in a relationship, and only then because of how caring and giving I can see myself being). I'm told a lot of shit that other people honestly believe but which has absolutely no connection to me.

Today I have been incredibly depressed and each guy that I would see just left me more and more depressed. Each guy represented someone I wasn't with. Heck, each guy represented someone I didn't even have a friendship with or in most cases even a passing acquaintance. They were cute or hot or geeky but intriguing or plain or even just confident or enthusiastic or needy ... they were just all attractive in some way, but it all just came down to wanting to watch them and maybe talk to them and have that moment never end.

I've even gotten past the point where I want to touch some of them, rub their shoulders or just touch their arm. It's not even that need for contact anymore; it's just a need to not be alone. I just want someone here, someone to talk to - or more importantly, someone to listen to.

There were moments today where I just thought that I was going to lose my mind. I had panic attacks; I cried; I almost cried in class; I got angry with people in a couple of cases ... I haven't been able to focus or anything. It's just been a shitty day.

I've been thinking about past loves and past friends, people that have hurt me or died or abandoned me or have just disappeared - but whatever the case, they aren't in my life any longer - and it just hurts. It's this hollow place in me that sucks every ounce of energy and hope out of me. I'm so tired and so empty. So alone.

And I'm sure it's quite unfair of me to throw this at all of you, some of whom won't really give a fuck and others, who actually care, who can't do anything to make this better for me. I appreciate any well-wishing, but I'm just so tired of living like this. It's just not any way to live. So I guess I should say I'm sorry to whine about all of this, but it's how I feel, and I honestly can't even think of anything else to write in the Journal, this is so consuming my thoughts.

But I'll be better tomorrow - not great, but better. I just wish that today hadn't happened.

Posted at 10:05 PM

February 4, 2003

Today's secret word is 'bullshit.' Now you all know what to do when anyone says the secret word, right? That's right, scream real loud. Let's try it out.

I'm tired of all this bullshit. Aaaaaaagggghhhhhh!!!

Posted at 9:51 PM

February 3, 2003

My poems were workshopped today in my Poetry Workshop class (as if they'd be workshopped in some other class, right?). Things went a bit better than I expected. I submitted 6:30 a.m. and a new poem called You Self-Righteous Fuck. The second one went over best, as you might expect. Nobody thought that I should change it at all (although Brian, a friend of mine who is usually in that class but was absent today had earlier suggested one small addition ... and I'm considering it). There were a lot of ideas about the older poem, and while I like that poem a lot, the various ideas actually spurred some possibilities for what will be a new, but similarly-themed, poem.

Other than that, I spent all of my time today, while not in class, franticly writing/finishing two different papers and finishing a reading assignment, all of which were due today. Somehow or other I got everything done, but that just got me caught up for today. Tomorrow is a whole different issue. Yea for homework - not.

Posted at 9:27 PM

February 2, 2003

Well today has just sucked. I've been tired all day; I've been studying but not getting close to having everything done that I need for tomorrow; and I got a whole bunch of bitchy attitude from Christiana because I wasn't willing to blow off my classwork to go to the planetarium or watch a movie. The last part of that list, the bitchiness from Christiana, just completely fucked up my day, sending me from being severely depressed to being overwhelmingly depressed and slightly angry. Oh joy! Isn't it just great to be alive? (the answer, by the way, is "No - it most definitely blows to be alive.").

And as if that weren't bad enough, Punxsutawney Phil has forecast six more weeks of winter (which invariably turns into tenor twelve more weeks).

Can't I catch a break?

Posted at 9:13 PM

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