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| message board August 2005
I hate my bullshit fucked up life. I had written an interesting little commentary to go along with this article, but then life happened and I got fucked over and it's lost. How nice. How typical. Anyhow, here's the fucking article. Why should I worry about gas prices when everything else is just as fucked up (or more fucked up)?
Posted at 11:49 PM
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Why is a woman in a suit a "business person” but a man in a dress is a "transvestite"? If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just for chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it? If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? What came first, the fruit or the color orange? Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them? What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn? If you were under house arrest and you lived in a mobile home, wouldn't’t you be able to go anywhere you want? Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one? If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends? If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you bought a boat, would you be Captain Crunch? How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They're attached at the back, wouldn't they have been raised in the same place? If you eat regular rice crispies with chocolate milk will it taste the same as eating coco crispies with regular milk? Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number? Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause? When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it? Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary? If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound? What was the best thing before sliced bread? What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours? What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it? Why do drugstores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?? If the energizer bunny attacks someone, is he charged with battery? What would happen if you say “hi” to your friend Jack on an airplane? If you had x-ray vision, could you ever really close your eyes? If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing? Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words 'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?' Why is it illegal to put money in other people's parking meters? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn't’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"? Posted at 12:02 AM
Posted at 2:16 AM
Yeah, so ... I got nuthin' ... Posted at 12:15 AM
Do over. No, I get a do over, right? Right? Posted at 4:04 AM
"When does it start getting fun?" Posted at 3:0 AM
Rhymes with "I ate my wife." Posted at 2:27 AM
With so much bullshit from the neocons about "how well the war in Iraq is going", it's good to finally see somebody looking reality in the face and not holding back. If only every Democrat would have the balls that Gary Hart seems to then we might be finding ways to end our idiocy in the Middle East.
Posted at 11:47 PM
I don't know what the hell the problem is here. Do I have insomnia? Is it possible to have limited insomnia? Because I simply can't seem to get even seven hours of sleep in a night, even when I somehow manage to have plenty of time to sleep in and everything. I go to sleep at 1 AM or so usually, but last night I had myself in bed, relaxed, and wound down earlier than normal, looking for a full night's sleep and knowing I didn't have to get up early for anything, and I even went to sleep around Midnight, a bit early for me. I slept soundly until a bit before 5 AM, and then I woke up and felt the urge to pee - not overwhelming, but I figured I'd better take care of it. So I did my thing, went back to bed, and could not get back to sleep no matter how hard I tried. Oh, I may have had a few minutes here or there, but I never got any real REM sleep, and I was unable to drop off completely to sleep, even though I Kept trying until nearly 11 AM. This is pretty much the same routine I have every day. Granted, most days I don't have any chance to sleep in late, and I'm stuck with what I get, but on the few nights I don't have to get up early in the morning I simply can't sleep more than five hours before I wake up, unable to go back to sleep. And I don't understand it because I'm still tired when I wake up every night, and I'm still tired all throughout the day. it's beating me down, too, being tired all of the time, and all I want is a few good nights of sleep. I finally gave up trying to sleep at 11 AM this morning, got out of bed and had a huge headache (which is getting to be normal), and I had achy neck and shoulder muscles (also getting to be normal). And of course I've been tired, too. Wah. Boo-hoo. Yeah, I know. Can I possibly whine any more ? (well, yes. I can).I'm just sick of this. I feel certain that two nights in a row of nine hours of sleep would make me feel better again, just two simple nights in a row. It's driving me nuts that I can't even seem to get one of those nights, let alone two, and I don't know what the fucking problem is that I can't just stay asleep for a decent amount of time. Why is everything so unduly complicated? Posted at 10:43 PM
Well damnit! All the guys in Bowling Green that I saw today were fully clothed and not as hot as the guys I saw on Saturday. How disappointing is that? Being in this backwater little town is killing me. I miss Chicago and the gay bars. Heck, I miss Toledo and the gay bars. I miss hanging out with gay friends, sharing a quick, friendly hug and kiss, and having hope that one of the guys I meet and talk to might become something more. Surely there must be a number of gay men here in town, but how to find them? It's not as easy as it was in larger cities. It's almost impossible in fact. At least in Bowling Green on Saturday I could look and I could dream. Now, tonight, I feel as though I have nothing at all, and that feeling is a sad reality that is at the heart of this depression I fight against. No man is an island. Why would I be any different? Posted at 11:33 PM
I've been incredibly tired and sick all day. I've been lethargic and yawning, and I even took an unplanned midafternoon nap (not by choice, either - I just fell asleep for a while). Along with that I've had a major headache that hasn't gotten any better, even with me taking pills, and I've been mildly sick to my stomach all day as well. I suppose I could be coming down with something again, but that seems really unusual. I rarely get sick, and to be sick again so soon after having that cold is like nothing I've ever dealt with before. So I don't know what to do. I feel lousy, but I have a busy day ahead tomorrow. As it was I'd wanted to do yardwork and laundry and a few other things around the house today, but I just couldn't do any of it. I could quite easily do without this. Posted at 10:41 PM
Today I once again found myself tired (even after over seven hours of sleep), achy (with stiff, complaining muscles), and headachy (with a dull pain that even my migraine medicine wouldn't take away). Even so, it was a good day. I made my way to Bowling Green right after lunch, talking to James on the cell phone during most of my trip there. He thought I sounded a bit more upbeat today, and maybe I was. I was still tired and all, but I felt content, and that's a good thing for me. We talked about what he had planned for the day and reminisced a bit about things, but once I was in BG and parked I had to say goodbye - my hairdresser was waiting. Although I've been trimming my hair myself as needed, I haven't had a real cut since mid-March, and while I like full hair, mine was getting just long enough that it was getting curly and wispy at the ends and just out of control and not looking great. So it was time for a change, and I went back to the rather short Caesar cut that looks good on me, and I was pleasantly relieved of a lot of excess hair. Following the haircut I went book shopping. The semester starts Monday, and I most of the books for classes were out (although not all). The books I did purchase added up quickly, but my consolation is that they all look interesting. In fact some choices were big surprises to me, and I'm quite excited about what they have to offer. That's a good thing, being excited about these books. It will hopefully make the semester more pleasant. I also had to run some errands on campus, and by the time I was done with those I had just enough time to get to Toledo for my get together with Steve, Mark, and Steffen. I almost didn't make it out of BG, however, considering there were young, toned, shirtless, HOT guys standing by the dozens in the yards along Wooster Road, talking, drinking, playing volleyball, tossing balls, and whatever. This is sort of the norm for "move-in weekend", the weekend before Fall classes start, and I had forgotten about it completely. It's amazing that ALL of them were so perfectly proportioned and tanned and vibrant, and it was like watching a "Guys Gone Wild" video or something of the sort. I should probably consider myself lucky that I didn't get into an accident because I certainly wasn't paying much attention to the road. Somehow I got out of Bowling Green before I became too attached to the idea of staying and staring at all of these gorgeous guys, and I quickly made my way to Toledo and, with the directions I'd been given, to Steffen's house. The day with the guys was fun, relaxing, and full of some of the most playful joking I think we've had between us yet. It was a fun day and we accomplished most everything we had hoped we could together. Considering I'll see these guys only once a week for a few short hours per week at best it was good to have a good seven hours to hang out with them today. There's much to do this semester, and I'll be very pressed for time. Still, I think that having contact with my friends, socializing and all, is an absolute must for me to keep my sanity and balance. If I don't spend time with them then it would just be me and my grandma, and as much as I love her it's not enough and not the sort of human interaction I need. Hopefully I can juggle everything this semester because I really need to do so. We'll just have to see, though. Time will tell. Posted at 2:06 AM
Posted at 11:19 PM
It's late. I'm not going to get a whole lot of sleep before I get up tomorrow. I"m still fairly wired. I have all sorts of stuff to get done in the next few days. But I'm back in Sandusky after a long, very busy day. That's good, right? Chris and I woke up reasonably early after five or so hours of sleep, and we chatted a bit about school and things while we cleaned up and checked e.mail and surfed the net a bit. We each swapped some quick Mac info and some data, too, although not to the extent I'm sure we would have if time had allowed. I was determined to leave Lafayette around Noon so that I could time things right to get to Toledo by 6 PM, so Chris and I went to lunch a bit early, just before 11 AM. Little Mexico was fast, as always, and even better than it had been when Chris first introduced me to this little gem of authentic Mexican cuisine (made by authentic Mexicans no less). So when we finished a little more than a half hour later I was pleasantly full, my taste buds still tingling in glee. I drove Chris across town to his office at his internship. He had to work on some projects today, and I was happy to drive him around one last time before I left. We shared a solid hug (only one of a few we'd shared over the past few days) and said our goodbyes. I was reluctant to go considering how much Chris had done for me in the last few days. I'm still sort of messed up emotionally and not where I'd like to be, but Chris pulled me up out of the dark place that I was in and gave me the strength to face things for a while and possibly, hopefully, get better and better until I've completely pulled out of this bout of depression. The beauty of it all was that he did all of that just by being himself, sharing his life with me, spending time with me, and having fun, even when I was just helping him fix a chair or run an errand. It's that sort of constant, comfortable companionship that gives me balance and makes me feel accepted and whole, and that sort of positive energy is exactly what I've been unable to get in such continuous exposure as I have for the last five days. The hug felt good, and I felt good, and while I was really sad to be leaving Chris after having him make such an impact upon me, I was ready to go and try to work my own way further out of the hole my depression has left me in. Traffic wasn't nearly as bad on the way back as on the way in, yet I was still amazed at the volume of people on these roads. There are seriously a whole lot of people out and about, more than I've ever seen on the roads, and it at times did really bog down the driving. The worst point of all was simply getting onto the Indiana Toll Road. The entry gate, where you get your ticket, had lines backed up for a few miles as people got their tickets and stayed bottlenecked for a few miles more before traffic started moving more freely. That stop-and-go traffic in particular messed up my timing, and while 80+ MPH driving allowed me to make it to Mark's house in Toledo just a minute or two after 6 PM, I'd had to have Steve pick up the Chinese dinners for everyone from Panda, something that I had normally been doing (fortunately he's been on vacation this week or I doubt he'd have had the time either). During my long drive from Lafayette to Toledo I called James in Arizona. I had promised a while ago to call, and I've been overdue. The last few months have found me so miserable, though, that I e.mailed James that I was depressed and I would call later when I felt more like talking. Days turned into months and it took until today, after my refreshing visit with Chris, to feel any where near up to calling, and I was also reminded of James since his name had come up during my visit because Chris remembered going to Cedar Point with Erik and I years ago. It was quite a revealing conversation as Chris told me things I'd never even known had been said by Erik during that trip, and it added to my whole botherment from the Erik situation of the past few days. I may, in fact, go into more detail about my expanded feelings regarding Erik later, but not in this Journal entry. In Today's phone conversation James was fairly talkative, and we went from one subject to another over the course of almost an hour. We cut the call short, however, when James had another call come in from Alaska, and I made arrangements to call him back tomorrow. I eventually made my way to Toledo, got to Mark's, got settled in, and ate dinner. By the time all of us had completed dinner we were ready for some gaming, and we plunged forward further into the twisting underground corridors beneath the old fortress we'd been exploring. We did well and came up with a lot of innovative thinking tonight, and we got past obstacles than noen of us thought we could get around. As we drew things to a close at 10 PM there were certain problems haunting almost every member of our party of adventurers, but they'll be okay in their freeze-frame until we can get back to playing the game again next time. All-in-all it was a really great night of gaming, and we decided to get together Saturday for an extended session since this is the last free day any of us have for a while. Sure we'll still get together for a couple hours one night a week most weeks for the rest of the year, but you can only do so much in two to three hours, and it will be nice if we can wrap up the whole pile of loose ends that we're dealing with right now. We all think we can on Saturday. We'll see how that turns out. Stave and Mark and I hung out for a while after Steffen left and talked about some things, the Erik situation among them. I felt pretty comforted by both Steve and Mark considering how I've been feeling about things, and it was relaxing to know that they're the good friends that they are. Mark in particular I really don't give the credit he deserves for his simple, unquestioning friendship. I'm lucky to have Steve and Mark, just as I'm lucky to have Chris, and I think I needed those reminders to help me realize that I'm not as alone as I often feel. It may not be everything I want from life, but I do have good friends, even if they're miles and miles away.
Must everything in my life be ironic? He I had planned to take a vacation and planned to sleep in at least more days than not while I was gone, catching up on some well-needed sleep, and yet here I am having slept maybe five hours or so last night. Once again I'm doing okay and not suffering for the lack of sleep, exactly, but I know I don't have the energy or the calm that more sleep would bring. WIth the new semester beginning next week I don't know when I might catch a full nine hours of shuteye, but I need a couple of straight days of nine hours of sleep. If only I could make that happen this weekend it would be great, but my grandma never seems to allow that to happen. Well, I guess I should wait and see. It might work. I was up around 9:30 today, having not gone to sleep until after 4 AM, and I quickly got cleaned up to go to lunch. As planned, I picked up Chris, Misti, and Veronica at Misti's apartment and took all of us to join Chris' mom at the Applebee's on the west side. The food was good (with exceptionally large portions for Applebee's, where in my experience you generally pay a lot for only a little food), and the conversations were funny. Chris's mom told a few funny childhood stories about Chris that I'd never heard before and they were hilarious. We chatted about a number of things and had quite a good time, even though initially conversation had been a bit slow to develop. Chris' mom had to go back to work by the time we'[d finished eating, so we wrapped things up and got ourselves going. When we got outside, I grabbed my cellphone to check the time and noticed I had a message. Erik had called at some point while we were in the restaurant and I hadn't heard the ring tone I guess. His message was that he was canceling our meeting (that was supposed to be in only a bit more than a half hour at that point). He said he had a business commitment he had to take care of or something, and he would try to arrange something with me in a while (although clearly not during this trip). I'll admit that part of me was very relieved, but another part of me was frustrated - after I'd worked myself up to being able to deal with seeing him again he cut me off again, and while that shouldn't have surprised me it did hurt - not so much because of his actions as much as because I still allowed my feelings to be hurt even when I know I should expect that in any situation where he is involved. In any case that freed up my afternoon, and after dropping Misti and Veronica off at their car, Chris and I made our way to Image Source, the photography studio in town of which Chris' good friend Dave is a part owner. Chris had agreed to do some work for them in the backroom, and while he worked a bit I looked around the studio and then caught up on some reading on my computer (which I'd grabbed just beforehand). We stayed for four or five hours, poking around, doing work, and giving Dave (and his partner Mike) advice about how to solve the problems they're having on the Mac G5 towers they use for final photo-editing. It wasn't exactly a fabulous time of partying or anything, but I did have fun. Still we'd spent plenty of time in that small back room, and I was ready to leave by the time we did. It was almost 8 PM, and Chris and I were hungry. so we headed, as planned, to Khana Khazana, the fabulous Indian restaurant in the Village. The food was as good or better than ever, and I was happily stuffed by the time we left (they have an incredible buffet with a very wide variety of choices). We headed back to Chris' place, running a couple of errands first, and had Dave meet us there so we could sit on the porch, talk, and drink (water for me, beer for them). Misti, Veronica, and another guy (who I met yesterday but can't remember his name for the life of me) stopped by briefly and joined in the conversation, but they left within a half hour. Chris' upstairs neighbor also joined us (his name is Chris as well, and he brought out his cute and smart dog Engles to join us while we talked). They went through a dozen bottles of beer and a joint or two by the time we wrapped up around 12:30, and Dave stayed for a bit longer and chatted while we hung out inside afterward. By 1:30 I was fading, Chris was fading, and Dave was sober enough to drive safely, so we ended the night and said our goodbyes then. Chris and I each checked a couple of things on our computers, and he just went to bed. I'll be laying back here on the couch as soon as this is done myself, and sleep should have no trouble taking me today. It's been a simple day, really, and nothing like what I expected, but it was good. I feel relaxed and I feel content, and that's saying a lot, all things considered, and that's good. This is, after all, what I was hoping to get from this trip. Posted at 2:42 AM
As expected, today started off with little sleep. I imagine that by the time I was able to get to sleep it was around 3 AM, and I had to get up at 7:30 again for the dentist. Still, much as I'd have loved more sleep, I was fine until the very last hours of the day. The visit with the dentist actually went as smoothly as I'd expected. The cavity, since the plan was to eliminate it before it even really became more than a miniscule dot, was a simple, quick drilling without any Novocain or other numbing agent, and I didn't feel a thing. The whole procedure only took a couple of minutes, and Dr. Challgren and I spent more time talking about his trip with some other dentists to Russia, where they shared ideas and practices with their Russian counterparts. It was an interesting conversation while it lasted, and of course with my tooth made as good as new, I was ready to get going with the day. Chris had actually been moving around the apartment before I left for the dentist, and when I got back I found that he'd assembled almost all of his Malm-style bed from IKEA. The last steps were honestly a pain in the ass, and even with both of us working to finish them, it took us a while to make the final connections and finish the last details. It's a simple yet attractive bed, now that it's done, and with the matching dresser Chris already had it looks great in the bedroom. After Chris took a quick shower we headed out to run some quick errands and then for lunch at one of my local favorite restaurants, Sgt. Preston's. The food, as it always is there, was yummy, and Chris and I had some more in-depth talking than we'd had so far this visit. Clearly he is putting his old girlfriend, Emily, in the past, and he is truly thrilled with his new girlfriend, Misti, and all of the great qualities she offers. I must say that while I've only ever really been critical of two of Chris' girlfriends (one of those being Emily after she dumped him for another guy (after which Chris still took her back since he loved her so much)), Misti seems to be possibly the best match for Chris I've ever seen. She's mature yet fun-loving and uninhibited; she's seen tough times and knows what it means to struggle to get by (thus meaning she understands a lot of what Chris has gone through in his life); she likes all sorts of music like Chris; she loves to learn new things; and she loves everything about Chris and adores him (and apparently has for years). The only thing missing, it seems, is that Misti is not remotely tech-savvy, and Chris is a technology fiend. I don't think this will be a problem as Misti seems very eager to learn all Chris can tell her about technology, but time will tell. In every other way I see them being just about as close to soulmates as you can get, and I'm so happy that Chris is so happy that I could bust. I hope this lasts for him forever. After Chris and I finished lunch we headed over to Misti's apartment. We had sort of a lazy afternoon, doing some laundry (I read a couple of new story chapters on my computer for some of the net stories I'm currently reading), and we talked. We also took apart and fixed (tightened up) one of the chairs Misti bought yesterday (it had been quite wobbly). In the process, in a freak accident, a drill bit that Chris was pulling out of its snap-fitting in the case managed to bounce out of his hand and into his forehead, nicking it slightly but causing a whole lot of blood to rush out. It was a completely oddball, one-in-a-billion chance thing, but it was indicative of what was happening to us in that hour. At about the same time as Chris was having his moment of bad fortune, so was I. I have my cellphone set up with two major ring tone settings, one for callers from numbers in the phone's memory and another ring tone for calls from unknown sources. As a rule I pretty much never answer calls from unknown people, but for some reason unknown to modern science I answered the off ring tone The call ended up being from Erik, my old best friend, former partner-in-crime, former boss, former employee of mine, former roommate, ... the list goes on. "Former," as it might automatically suggest, means that those things are in the past. In fact I haven't returned any calls or e.mails from Erik for over a year now. In a way it's a fitting response to him considering I went for years where he would never reply to e.mails or phone calls from me, only being in contact when he needed something or it was convenient for him. Realistically though, that wasn't why I have been trying to break contact with him. The bottom line is that I have loved Erik for years (and still do), but I invariably get screwed over by him somehow (taken advantage of, used, dismissed, or abandoned until he needs something from me again). The last time I saw Erik was about a couple months after my breakdown, and I was still incredibly traumatized, still very quiet and introspective, still terribly scared and alone, and still fully devastated by the complete crumbling of my entire psyche. Erik showed up in Toledo with veritably no advance notice (as usual) and expected everyone to drop everything to see him. Most of the old gang did drop everything and arranged to meet him at Jeff and Tammi's house. I, meanwhile, didn't get his message until late, and when I showed up at Jeff and Tammi's no one was home. I waited for a while, no idea where they might be, and then drove back to the Art Center. After I'd been back a little while I got a message from Erik, telling me to join the group while they were still at Ciao!, the Italian restaurant where they'd gone to eat dinner. I went to join them and found them leaving as I got out of the car. I was in many ways treated like I had been an ass for not having been there - which was aggravating since I'd had no way to know what had been planned until it was too late - and everyone went their separate ways except Erik and I. Erik suggested we go to a restaurant where we could sit and talk and I could eat. I chose Coney Island, a Mediteranean-style restaurant nearby. Erik proceeded to tell me that I had to stop being depressed because it was bringing everybody else down. He was quite emphatic about this point and went on to say that, 'If I didn't change my attitude then he wasn't ever going to visit me again, and he'd stop having anything to do with me.' I, in response, started to cry and couldn't stop, even when he said with disdain that I shouldn't cry about it. Just saying that I cried doesn't fully point to how upset I was either. I never cry in public. It has to do with my father threatening to "give me something to really cry about" if I didn't stop crying when I was a kid. I developed a hardened shell as a child where pretty much nothing at all could make me cry, and absolutely nothing could make me cry in public, where others might see me and be critical. But there I was in a restaurant full of people, tears gushing down my cheeks as I sniffed back the running snot and dabbed my face with a napkin. I eventually regained control and Erik and I talked more, but our conversation lasted only a short while more after my episode. We walked out to our cars soon afterward and Erik told me that he had a job site to go to in Michigan the following month and that he would come to visit me again at that time and we could talk more. I fully believed him at the time, but as you might expect I never heard from him the following month ... or the month after that ... or the year after that. In fact, I didn't really hear from him until a little over a year ago - almost four years since I had spoken to him in that restaurant. And when he called me it was to ask for my help with something "that I'd be perfect for" with his company. In the old days I would have called back immediately and agreed without any idea of what was entailed, but after years of struggling to put myself back together after my breakdown, I wasn't so sure that I wanted to subject myself once again to the inevitable. Wasn't I just basically keeping myself in a continuously-renewing abusive relationship where I was used and abused and cast aside until I was needed again? I never would have stood for one of my friends living in such a situation, and I decided that I had more than enough negative energy and problems in my life without allowing someone else to throw more at me. So with advice from a couple of friends backing up my own thoughts, I simply didn't respond to any of Erik's e.mails or phone messages. He had tried to contact me a half dozen times and I avoided each one, and over the remaining year (until now), he called perhaps once or twice every four months. And while I missed him (because I'm a moron, I guess), I forced myself to stay away so that I'd avoid whatever drama he had waiting for me. Fastforward to today's phone call. Why I answered a ring tone that I otherwise purposely avoid is beyond my explanation, but I had done so and I was stuck. I was as tense and, honestly, terrified, as I've been in a long time, and I answered him in curt responses, refusing to drive to see him in Indianapolis and refusing to allow him to meet with me in Lafayette. Eventually, as always, I caved in a bit and told him I'd meet with him, that we probably did need to discuss things, and that I would call him back to tell him when. I got off of the phone feeling half numb and half tense as can be. I tried to relax, and found myself trying to explain what had just happened on the phone, and I relaxed a little bit, mostly because I had decided to put off thinking about having to meet with Erik at all. Chris was, of course, injuring himself at this time as part of our working on fixing Misti's chair, and we made sure he had a Band-Aid and no more access to the tools for a while. Chris and I headed out not long after that, took care of a couple of things back at his apartment, and then grabbed dinner at the Parthenon, the best Mediterranean restaurant I've ever been to and a favorite to visit every time I come back to Lafayette. As always the food was superb, and Chris and I talked more again. We only stayed briefly, though, as plans had been made for the rest of the night, and they were soon to start. We headed back to Misti's apartment to meet Misti and her friends and then went off to Karaoke. Chris is a huge fan (and participant of) Karaoke, although he had stopped going pretty much at all in the past two years because Emily didn't like Karaoke and didn't want him to go. Unlike Emily, Misti loves Karaoke just as much as Chris, and they go regularly to sing and dance and drink, and they have a blast. I had gone with Chris to Karaoke two years earlier when the hosting bar was in the Village Shopping Center near Purdue University, and the place was packed with college students, including a bunch of great-looking guys. This time Karaoke was held at the Lynnwood Bar (or something like that), an out-of-the-way local bar with a simple adult patronage. Granted, DJ the KJ (who hosts the Karaoke) has a following as she moves her show gradually from one bar to another, and a lot of those followers are younger, college-aged kids, but while there were a number of those followers who joined with us around a few tables near the front, the bulk of the bar was full of older people - many of whom would participate in the Karaoke but still were older and far less appealing. In fact the only person who really caught my eye didn't show up until we'd been there for a couple of hours, and Sam (his name) was inaccessible because he was clearly straight (though that didn't stop me looking since he was quite cute and had a great body). Finding gay guys or guys who could be lots of eye candy was sadly not on the agenda. Sam was the only person I found myself staring at. I did have fun watching Chris and Misti dance and strut and sing, and as they became more and more drunk they became more and more funny, and seeing them having so much fun was great. It was the other stuff that was going on was bothersome and even upsetting. Among Chris' friends were a trio of girls, one who was very high-energy and lived in the apartment upstairs from Chris and her two friends. One of those friends, Rachael from Bloomington, was already quite drunk when we got to the bar at 8 PM, and she became completely blasted soon after we were there. She was hanging on a number of guys and trying to get them to dance with her and ... hmm .. "play" with her ... and I was one. She was undeterable, determined to keep coming back, sitting in my lap, grabbing me, angry when I wasn't turned on by her or desirous of her. I explained that it had nothing to do with her, that I just wasn't into women and I wasn't much for dancing (particularly to the predominantly country-style music that was being sung). She couldn't take a hint - or maybe it was that she was so wasted - but she was all over me all night, telling me how cute I was and so on. It was funny the first couple of times, but it grew quite tiresome very quickly, and people were laughing at my predicament most of the night. I'm not mad at her. The whole thing just screwed up the good feeling I was getting from the evening. Of course I was also thinking about Erik's call and dreading that, and I was also feeling somewhat lonely as I sat watching Chris and Misti perform. I had been introduced to a number of Chris' friends who were there, but we'd only just met (with the exception of Chris' good friend Dave and his wife who arrived quite late), and I didn't really hit it off with anyone. Seeing many of the people paired up, having fun, being carefree in their drunkenness, and loving life made me quite sad, and it was natural that I would think about my two Kens, one dead and gone for years and one just as inaccessible with a longtime boyfriend after I'd screwed up my chances to be with Ken myself in a committed relationship. I didn't drop into a deep depression from all of this, but I did lose any edge of happiness I'd gained from the evening, and I was glad when we left at nearly 1 AM. We went to another bar, Chumley's (which is new to me although I guess it's been in downtown Lafayette for a few years) for a couple more drinks and some winding down. All I could initially think about was that Chumley was the dim-wittted walrus companion/friend of Tennessee Tuxedo, the cartoon penguin. Once inside I was intrigued by the layout and decoration. The "50 beers on tap" wall was certainly pretty amazing, even for me, the nondrinker, but after a while my curiosity for the place wore off and I just kept getting more and more tired. Fortunately we only stayed until about 2:15. We were all tired (and Chris and Misti were quite drunk), and I made sure they both safely got back into Misti's apartment before I headed back to Chris's, thinking that sleep would take me quickly. Another couple of hours later I'm finally feeling like sleep will grab hold, something it simply wouldn't do after I drove here and washed up for bed. We're supposed to have lunch with Chris' mom and Misti and Veronica at Noon tomorrow, so I probably won't get a whole lot of sleep once again. That's okay, I guess. It hasn't been the best day, but not because of Chris - my time with him has been completely fantastic. Tomorrow is another day, and I'm supposed to meet with Erik in the afternoon after the lunch date. I'm nervous and upset about what that portends, but since tomorrow will be my last day visiting Chris I hope it doesn't dominate the day. I wish these visits could last longer, but they're always over almost as soon as they start. That just sucks.
I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night, but I feel pretty good even considering that. Chris and Misti (his new girlfriend) showed up about 1 AM last night. I had dozed off on the couch about a half hour before that, so I got up and helped them unload the goodies from IKEA. Misti left for home right after that, and Chris was still wired from the drive (and the trip) and started putting together his shelving unit and chair that he'd bought from IKEA. It was about 3:30 when he started thinking about putting together his new bed, and I pointed out the time, knowing that I had to get up about 7:30 to get myself together for my dentist appointment. We both ended up crashing shortly afterward, although I doubt I got much even four hours of sleep for the whole night before I got up. The dentist visit was, as always, pretty cool. My dentist, Dr. Paul Challgren, is the best ever, and he runs a great practice with his brother. They have a beautiful facility, state of the art equipment, great people, good rates, and superb customer service. I was doing pretty good - low tartar build-up, good gums, all that stuff, but the laser check of my teeth showed a tiny cavity starting on the side of one molar where the enamel had a natural defect where it hadn't formed as solid as elsewhere. The cavity itself wasn't even visible (or noticeable to me at all), but we decided to remove it before it grew, and my fantastic dentist set up an appointment for me early tomorrow morning since he knows I will on be in town a short while. How many doctors would schedule you for anything right away like that? It's just great. So I'll have to get up early again tomorrow, too, but I'll survive. I'll be running on low sleep again, I imagine, but I can get by. I haven't had nine hours of sleep very much at all this summer, and while it's wearing me down, I am getting used to it. After the dentists and a quick run through the best full-serve car wash I've even found anywhere (Fast Eddie's, where they do the inside and outside so well they might as well be detailing the car), I went back to Chris' and found him frustrated that his bed had no assembly instructions. He had contacted IKEA and they had promised to e.mail him a set of instructions right away, but he'd been waiting for quite a while and was very im patient. We ended up leaving before they arrived, leaving Chris disappointed that he didn't get to put together his big new toy. We headed directly to Misti's apartment for a home-cooked lunch, and I met Mist more formally as well as her eight year old daughter Veronica. They were both talkative and fun, and we learned about each other and our lives, played some Go Fish!, and had a wonderful meal of pasta and shrimp in marinara with bread on the side (Chris had some tofu and grilled veggies which looked fantastic as well, but that was really just for him). We spent the whole afternoon at Misti's apartment, leaving at one point to pick up a TV/VCR and a kitchen table and chairs that she'd bought (she just moved into this apartment very recently and is still settin g things up). Around six-thirty we headed out for dinner and a movie. Chris had suggested Moe's, a Mexican-style restaurant that was fairly new and very good, and it was completely new to all of us but him. The food was plentiful and tasty, and we all had a great time sharing chips and queso around our individual meals. We hadn't left ourselves a whole lot of time, though, so we made out way quickly to the nearby movie theatre and grabbed tickets for the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Mind you, I never would have chosen this movie (and did object a bit), and I never would have cared to go otherwise, but Chris was excited about it, and I know I've certainly seen things that were undeniably worse than this could ever be. I will say in defense of the movie, having watched it now, that it was entertaining and amusing, and it was a fun time. I still don't think it was worth the ticket price, and I'll never care to see it again, but it was fun. The movie's big problem, I think, is that the movie tried to take all of the overdone, stereotypical caricatures that the characters were in the tv series and make the real. Thus Boss Hogg, rather than be powerful and greedy but bumbling and surrounded by ineptitude, was made to be slick and slimy - still powerful and greedy but not as obviously doomed to failure as in the tv show. Bo and Luke Duke were also cast as quite dumb and motivated almost solely by their dicks, and while it was funny for a while it was disappointing after a time because it made them seem less noble and less heroic than the characters had seemed in the tv show. Maybe I'm too critical, but I was just disappointed that Hollywood once again couldn't just stick with a formula that worked incredibly well and had to screw around with it, thinking that they could do better than the formula that had built a huge following earlier. Oh well. We headed back to Misti's apartment after that a chatted for a while. By about Midnight I was fading and starting to nod off. I headed back to Chris' to get some sleep, and once I got here I couldn't get right to sleep, so I obviously am not going to have a whole lot of sleep once again before I go back to the dentist in the morning. Ah well. It's a small price to pay. I had a great day, and I hardly even thought about being depressed. As far as I'm concerned that's a winning day right there, so what more should I ask for? Posted at 2:27 AM
Well, tonight I am in Lafayette, Indiana, starting my few days of visiting with Chris (Chip), although technically Chris still isn't here yet. I started out a little later than I had originally intended. Chris was planning to stay in Chicago with his girlfriend (on a mini-vacation and trip to IKEA) until about 8:30 PM tonight, so I didn't leave as early as I'd planned to before. As it was, I left even later than my adjusted plans called for, but I was in no rush. I planned to just take a leisurely trip and enjoy myself. A nice leisurely trip would have been great. I usually feel very relaxed on the trip to Lafayette, listening to tunes, riding with cruise control, and watching the sights pass by (nature, mostly, but sights nonetheless). This time, however, the entire journey was made stressful by hordes of people simply overflowing the Ohio Turnpike and the Indiana Toll Road, and let me tell you - Illinois drivers over 60 years old should have their licenses revoked. I'm not usually against older people driving, but I seriously would have been tempted to do a drive-by if I'd have had a gun. Three different cars with Illinois plates, driven by old people, nearly ran me off the road multiple times. One guy was, in fact, not just old and incompetent but clearly trying to run me off of the road. The whole trip pretty much kept me edgy from one minute to the next. And then at the end of the Indiana Toll Road, there was a backup of over ten miles worth of cars waiting to pay their fees to exit the Toll Road, and the lines just barely moved along at all. Meanwhile I was nearly running on fumes, never having been stuck in a traffic jam on this stretch of road, and having planned to get gas once I had exited. By the time I finally did get gas, I was just about empty (and what's the deal with gas being 25¢ more expensive than in Ohio? It used to be 25¢ cheaper than in Ohio, even up through last year. Why did that change? Anyhow, no nice leisurely trip for me. It was by far the least enjoyable - and in fact the most frustrating - trip to Lafayette that I've ever experienced (and this from someone who's made this trip literally a few hundred times). It's all been very tiring. I drove right to Arni's when I got into town. My stomach had been going nuts for the previous two hours or so, and I knew that Arni's would get me good food fast while still in a nice atmosphere, and they didn't let me down. With my stomach somewhat placated I drove to Chris', found his extra key, and let myself in. He called me moments after I got here at 8:30 to tell me that they were running late and wouldn't be here until 11:00 or 11:30 (which would be now ... hmmm), so I decided to catch up on some e.mails that needed to be responded to and then write tonight's Journal entry. I still can't upload any of this until Chris gets here, of course, because I don't have his password to access his wireless internet portal. Hopefully I'll get that soon and be able to post this tonight. We'll see. It's been a long day; believe me. I am so tired and achy that it's just unbelievable. I'm looking forward to my visit here, though, and I'm here safely, at least, so I suppose I should be thankful for that. I'm sure that as bad as the trip here was, it could probably have been worse. Posted at 11:48 PM
You know, these Burger King "Chicken Fries" ads are stupid as fuck. The idea of "Chicken Fries" is good, even great (and I'm usually always down on Burger King food). The first ad for this new product wasn't even too bad - a bit over-done but okay. The following ads, however, particularly the "Cross the Road" ad, are inane and annoying. I can't imagine paying an advertising agency for this kind of crap. Posted at 10:33 PM
I've had messages from readers recently, people who've been following my Journal for a while who see the obvious extended depression I've been in for quite a while. Not many, really, but since I don't get very much contact from readers for any reason they stand out - and of course they'd stand out merely for their well-wishing if nothing else as well, even though they are few. One post on the message board, one phone message, one e.mail - not much, really, but all with similar sentiment and all within the past couple of days. Messages like this are deeply appreciated. In fact these kinds of messages are the sort of thing that make a solid dent in beating my depression back. Each little e.mail or comment may not seem like much but it impacts me immensely. It let's me know that someone somewhere cares, someone wishes me well - someone who's read about my deepest feelings and hasn't turned away to something else. Even in my worst, most depressed moments these simple expressions of compassion give me peace, even if just for a moment, and such a thing to me is a treasure beyond my ability to repay. In a perfect world my life would be filled with such simple messages and moments of peace, even happiness. One moment would slip into another and instead of depression I would feel lasting contentment, even joy. There have been times like that in my life, times of lasting contentment, even happiness, and the world was still just as ugly at those times, full of pain. The difference in those times was the presence of people in my life, sharing time with me and giving me balance, often unintentionally. In fact the world was often even uglier in those times, much more harsh and brutal to me, but I persevered and found peace amidst the horrors of my life. It was all from friends every time, people who were simply around, not really even trying to help much of the time, rarely even knowing about the troubles I faced. When I was a child, suffering the abuses and degradations doled out by my father, I had friends who unknowingly gave me strength. Most were really just schoolmates, people I saw in my classes but never anywhere else. Much of the time we didn't even talk, or if we did we talked about little of importance, but their presence made the impact, gave me strength. In a strange way I pulled positive emotional energy from them just by being near them, gained a sense of normalcy and stability. They didn't know what my life was like but they helped anyhow, even without trying. Few of them were what I would really call friends, at least by a real definition. They were acquaintances - close acquaintances - but we didn't interact outside of class and didn't know much about each other. Even the people I would call friends didn't really know about my life. I kept my ugly family life a secret, ashamed of what I endured, and I only ever rarely opened up about any aspect of what I faced. When I went to college I was happier than I'd ever been. I was away from my horrible family, living my own life and looking to a bright new future, and surrounded not only by classmates but by dorm mates, people who were always around, unknowingly feeding me positive emotional support from one minute to the next. There were problems in college, too, but the paled in the face of the emotional boost I felt from having people around me. Even better, I gained some incredibly close friendships, deeper and more positive than anything I'd ever felt in my life. IT made a huge difference. And even after I dropped out of college and moved through a the events of my life and from one city to another, I lived with one or more roommates in each place I lived and became very close to those roommates and to the people I worked with. While I worked in Chicago things changed a bit. I lived alone, and I became much more depressed much more easily. I had very strong friendships and had great camaraderie with my employees and peers, but there was still a missing element,a nd it was all too easy to become deeply sad and troubled when I found myself at home alone at the end of the day. When, not long after that, I was living alone in Toledo in the Arts Center, rarely seeing anyone where I lived, seeing no one at work since I wasn't working, and seeing people in classes only a couple of days a week (assuming that classes were even in session) - it was then that deep depression truly set in. Life was a ugly as ever and not only did I have more troubles but I had virtually no people in my life and therefore no real 'boost' for my emotions. I'm a social person. I need to be around others. Hugs and cuddling are wonderful. Love is amazing. But companionship and familiarity are more important than anything, and I find myself with less and less of that. Yes, I admit that I almost certainly have a chemical imbalance that makes me depressed. I'll even admit that much of my depression comes from my inability to get past the troubles from my past. But I have every confidence that none of that would matter if I had constant companionship again. The boost from having someone around is immense, even if they aren't showing me compassion and support for my problems, just as long as they aren't being negative or hurtful to me. I still feel that boost now, each time I see my friends or get a call from them or get an e.mail. I feel that boost from supportive e.mails from readers of this website, and I feel that boost often from my classmates when I'm in a class where I know people and have shared experiences. I even feel that boost from my grandma, although not to the same extent as I do from people who are closer to my age and more in touch with my interests (I love my grandma, but we are from very different worlds, and she often leaves me frustrated and exasperated at her 19th century ideas, biases, and intolerance. Her stubborn refusal to believe anything unless it is proven multiple times with exacting detail is also frustrating and makes almost any conversation difficult at best. In that sense, any positive energy I might get from sharing time with her is negated and often reversed by the negative energy that surrounds most conversations, the end result being that I'm left even more depressed than if I were simply living alone). My point is that I'm missing human interaction, something I crave - something I have to have to survive. I'd love to form a loving relationship with a great guy and share my life with him, and I'm sure that I would gain the emotional balance I need from such close contact and such a loving commitment. Since relationships like that don't just materialize out of thin air, I'd be quite content - and fulfilled - with very regular contact with friends, daily or near-daily contact, even if that's just in the form of shared time together without much or any talk. The problem with the recent comments I've received is the same problem I wrote about a few days ago, the same writings that inspired most of the comments that have been expressed. I wrote that I feel as though I'm so deeply sunk into the hole of my depression that I need help rising out of it, a helping hand or two from people to get me going. I added that I was frustrated that too many people have told me that being in that hole is my own fault and I should just decide to take control of my life and pull myself out - or barring that hire someone to pull me out. Those same people who suggest I help myself just sit on the sidelines are content seeing me suffer and not even trying to help. While the recent comments I've received have been a great emotional boost of support for me, and while I appreciate the good intentions with which they are offered, they still suggest that I should help myself. "Seek help", I'm told, either from a psycho-therapist or from mind-altering drugs. In all fairness these are solutions that help some people and might help me, but considering I don't have the money to afford either, they aren't really an option (and considering my past experience with psycho-analysts, I would certainly want to find a good, qualified, useful analyst and not just somebody who'll tell me to "get over it" or offer to drug me up on Prozac as a solution to my problems). Don't get me wrong - as I said earlier, I appreciate the messages I've received, and they have been an emotional boost for me. In fact even the issues of suggesting analysts or drugs are made with the best of intentions - I realize and appreciate that - but telling me to find my own help with a shrink or a pill is really just the same old story of someone telling me to help myself while the people who make these suggestions sit idly by and watch. If they had just sent well-wishes and compassion I would be ecstatic. Even if they never sent another such message I would feel the positive effect of their message. What I want, what I need, is just to not be alone, to feel like there's always someone around. I've been missing that a lot, even moreso here in Sandusky than ever before in my life, and I don't think that's such a horrible request. Maybe I should just give up school and caring for my grandma and go back to work - at least then I'd have the constant impact of friends and acquaintances from work to make me feel more stable and, dare I say, even happy. What you all have to realize when reading this is that you are reading my deepest feelings, sometimes expressed with brutal openness and sometimes not expressed well enough to make my feelings understandable. This is my Journal, my diary, my stumbling way of figuring out what I'm feeling and thinking or my chance to rant or otherwise release my demons. You get the brunt of things thrown in your face in these Journal entries, and they are the untold truth of my life. My friends, short of when they read this themselves, don't generally hear about my problems or my worries. I try not to put myself upon my friends, and while most of my friends realize clearly that I suffer depression and have issues, they don't have to suffer from me whining constantly about my woes. Sure, they occasionally hear me say I'm unhappy, but generally I don't say anything at all - at least not unless I'm asked, which happens often enough. I bring this up because the comments on my message board (by an unnamed user with no e.mail address to respond to) say that my friends are surely "growing tired of hearing about my misery", and while I'll admit that this has always been a concern of mine (that I might push people away if I open up too much and try to talk about my past and my problems), the reality is that, if anything, my friends might grow tired of not hearing what things are at the roots of my depression. I'm not perfect - far from it in fact - and I realize I have emotional problems and I realize that people don't really want to hear about my issues or deal with them. I don't even really ask for people to solve my problems or hear about all of my woes. All that I ask is for some compassion and humanity. Even less than that, really, all I ask for is people to share my life with, people whose company I can enjoy and whose emotional balance I can embrace. Just having regular contact with people is a proven salvation against my depression. I just need more than I have right now. Loneliness is horribly debilitating for someone like me, and honestly I deal with it as best as I can. The kind of help I want isn't that much to ask, I don't think, and doesn't cost anyone anything. I appreciate the support that some of you have expressed - I truly do - but try and understand that doctors and drugs aren't the only solution here. They aren't the solution at all, in fact. Posted at 12:09 AM
Posted at 11:30 PM
What's the point? Posted at 11:47 PM
Gay advice columnist Dan Savage has been filling in for Andrew Sullivan for the past few days, posting blog entries and updates on Andrew's website while Andrew is still on vacation. I've always enjoyed Dan Savage's advice columns, but I've never seen anything more in-depth or expository in his writing - until now. I am thrilled today to see that he has very concisely put forth a position I've long held but never been able to adequately articulate. Basically Dan is responding to a letter from a reader of Andrew's blog who feels that gay people obviously have "an agenda," specifically an intention to take over the U.S. government and convert or silence their opposition (in a very Svengali-like or Stalin-esque manner). Dan makes clear that such ludicrous claims from anti-gay conservatives are absolute hypocrisy considering how strenuously evangelicals and conservatives have constantly worked to marginalizes, convert, or eliminate gay people and their equal rights as human beings. It's a great response, and I applaud his ability to articulate these ideas so imply and directly.
Mowing the lawn in complete darkness would be interesting enough, but mowing the lawn in complete darkness after having worked for six hours on the flowers and plants, all in massive heat and while still fighting off the last effects of a strong summer cold which has left you with stiff and painful muscles, headaches, tiredness, and, with the added heat and dehydration, a surety that any second will bring either projectile vomiting or immediate unconsciousness - that makes for an interesting way to keep busy until 10 PM. I hate my life. Posted at 12:27 AM
... Need sleep ... ... Must sleep in ... someday ... ... So tired ... Posted at 11:34 PM
... <numb> Posted at 12:03 AM
I'm struggling. My emotions are completely fucked up and I've been depressed in a major way for months now, and it only seems to get worse. Today I had a couple of moments where I thought I might be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, some chance of pulling myself up and out of the hole I've fallen into, but no sooner than I think there might be a chance for me then everything's dark and I feel like the hole has become an inescapable box. I e.mailed my good friend Chris today, having realized that my annual trip to visit him in Lafayette will have to be in the next couple of weeks if I'm to do it at all (since classes start back up right after that). He was apparently online this morning when I sent the e.mail, and he called me right away. Talking to him made me feel almost like a different person. I was so happy to hear his voice and chat about stuff for the fifteen minutes we talked that it was great. It was a real boost to me emotionally to talk to him, and I was (and am) excited that we made plans for me to visit very soon, but as happy as I was to talk to him and excited as I was about the prospect of visiting him made me, I rapidly fell back into my hole of depression within less than a half hour after that. I also had to run my grandmother around to various appointments today, and I chose the soundtrack for Beautiful Thing to play in the car while I drove her around. Beautiful Thing is a truly beautiful movie, but the soundtrack is great as well, being a collection of songs by Mama Cass Elliott and the Mamas and the Papas that always get to me. Of particular note was "Make Your Own KInd of Music", which made me feel really good while I was listening and singing along. But the good feelings only lasted while it was playing, and as soon as it was over I became wistful and then fully sad as I realized how empty and alone and hopeless my life is, and the hope of those songs seems just like a fairy tale and not like any potential future that will ever come about. I feel like a drowning man - able to swim and struggling, but barely holding my own and knowing that very soon I'll be unable to keep my head above water. I've had people tell me that it's my own fault that I feel this way, that I could pull myself out of these depressive episodes if I really wanted to, but I don't agree with that. I've tried, I have, but just like the drowning man who's drifted too far from the shoreline, I can only struggle to survive for so long, and without help I'll never be able to break free from the current I've been drawn into. It's not an issue of whether or not I'm willing to help myself, as I see it - I've tried that, and I keep trying - the issue is that I need someone to help me save myself because I don't know how, and it's really just too much for me to overcome on my own anymore, too much to free myself from on my own. The people who've repeatedly told me that this is my own fault, that I would be fine if I just put my mind to it - those are the same people who would sit on the shoreline and watch a man drown, assuring people later that it was his own fault - that the current wasn't that strong and he obviously knew how to swim. They would feel perfectly justified with their ambivalence toward that man drowning to death, but they are really more responsible for his death than he was himself. They had the chance to save him, to help, to throw him a line, but they didn't want to be involved, didn't want to take the time or effort or make the emotional investment. That's their choice, I suppose, but it seems to me like those people are no better than outright murderers, and they have no right to be smug and satisfied with themselves. Posted at 12:19 AM
I was just saying to Steve on Monday night, while we were talking on the phone, that if the Democrats are to have any hope of beating the Republicans then they have to make a clear, real platform, a platform that every person in America understands and recognizes as belonging to the Democrats and a platform that is solid ideas, not just saying what the Republicans are doing wrong and how they oppose it. The Democrats have good platform elements here and there, invested in one candia date or another, and they need to pull these ideas together as their definitive ideology, a clear set of beliefs that they stand behind unwaveringly. This guest columnist in the New York Times expresses exactly what I was saying, and I agree with his every word.
Posted at 10:07 PM
I finally went to see the last Star Wars movie today, Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. I have read a whole slew of reviews of this last installment of the prequel trilogy, and I had my expectation tempered by what others had said. Still, I expected a lot from this movie, and while in many ways I was very pleased, I also in a great many ways was quite disappointed. The special effects in this movie were grand. George Lucas has set the bar far above where anyone else has even come close to approaching, and the results were spectacular. The combats, specifically, were amazing: the dogfights in space, the massive combats between entire armadas of starships, the attacks of droid armies against Wookies, the combat sequences of various Jedis against various opponents (and against each other), and of course the amazingly realistic CGI of Yoda, looking more lifelike and expressive often than many of the actors. That leads me to my greatest criticism, however. Yoda was more lifelike, expressive, and realistic than any of the real actors, and he's just a computer generated image. Everyone, whether Hayden Christenson as Annakin/Darth Vader, Natalie Portman as Amidala, Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu, or Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi - they all seemed wooden and completely lacking in emotion. I have no idea why these people had so little emotional investment in their roles, but it was sad to watch a love scene between Hayden and Natalie and feel nothing (or at least nothing except confusion as to why they couldn't act like they loved each other or were scared for/of each other or whatever). Similarly I just couldn't feel like Mace or Obi-Wan were upset about Annakin turning to the dark side - there just wasn't any emotion to it. Even the Emperor/Palpatine seemed bland, and this after years in the role, putting obvious relish into the emotional, psychotic depth that is inherent in this arch-evil character. These slower character-driven sections, set in between mind-bogglingly fast, energetic combat scenes, made everything seem to move slowly and ploddingly - uninterestingly even. It was a severe disappointment. I think if George Lucas had made two movies (I don't know, maybe Episode III.1 and Episode III.5) then it would have been better. By skipping so much time from Episode II until this movie, the audience has no appreciation for how powerful or devastating Count Dooku and General Grievous have been. They both seem sort of lame in the short time they're around in this episode (and by the way - what is the deal with EVERYONE getting their fucking hand(s) cut off with a light saber? It was sort of a cool coincidence that Luke had his hand cut off just as Annakin, his father, had his hand cut off. But then Dooku loses both hands, Grievous loses three hands, Mace loses a hand ... really, it became cliche in the span of this one movie). Also, if there had been two movie to cover the events in this one episode, then I think Annakin and Amidala's love for each other could be expanded and made more believable, and Palpatine's manipulation of Annakin over an extended period of time would have been more believable. Maybe ol' George felt stuck since he'd already numbered the movies and he only had one movie left to wrap everything up to set the stage for what we know happens in Episode IV, but I feel like he cut the events of this movie down phenomenally from what would have made the entire epic saga much more powerful and realistic. With all of that said, however, I still recommend the movie. It may be a sad thing to say, but the computer-generated space battles alone were worth the price of admission (and even for a matinee, that was a huge cost). The fact that George Lucas does tie up all of the loose ends of the story so that everything makes sense is also at least comforting if not a pleasing as I would have liked. Heck, I admit that I felt that the cost of admission was justified just from seeing Hayden Christenson shirtless and sweaty as he got out of bed after his prophetic nightmare, but that's obviously not going to be a selling point to all of you out there. Visually (and audially) this episode is a masterpiece and well worth seeing. Plot-wise things went too fast and should have been better established and explored better, but the plot concept was perfect. And acting-wise, I was, as I've mentioned, supremely disappointed. I actually feel like I, myself, who couldn't act my way out of a paper bag, could have displayed more emotion and been more believable than anyone in this cast. Why George Lucas didn't push for more potent and believable acting is beyond me, and it's too late for that to be changed now. The emotionless characters were truly the failing of this movie. If this hadn't been so bad then I would have disregarded any other minor flaws or perceived inadequacies, but I felt so cheated by these bad performances that I was just shocked and disappointed. And considering that this is the first movie I've seen in a theater for about a year, it says a lot that I was disappointed at all.
Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the .. hey, wait-a-minute - I actually do smell things. Maybe my cold's breaking up after all. If it weren't for the massive headaches, the stiff muscles, and the tiredness then I'd say it's about done (since the sinus build-up, drainage, and coughing have almost ended completely). I can't say that I'm thrilled, though. This has lasted far too long, and to be all tired and achy after a week and a half of this just stinks. As for the words of the giant at the top of the beanstalk, you'll have to forgive that slight misnomer. We were actually fighting Orcs, an Orc Shaman, Orc Berserkers, and Hobgoblins in tonight's D&D game, trying to force our way into a semi-ruinous fortress near our hometown, a fortress where a large number of Orcs have been staying for a little while, Orcs who killed a couple of our earlier companions a while ago in a massive barrage of arrows from the fortress' battlements. We're making great progress and actually have managed to subdue all of the Orcs so far (or at least we've beaten them down and given them healing to keep them from dying while putting them in manacles). Once all of the Orcs are accounted for and subdued or killed then we can interrogate them and find out why they're here. Most people would have just killed them outright, but where's the value in that? Now we have the chance to find out why they were here and if more of them will be coming. It's all quite interesting, really, and we're having fun doing this. Posted at 1:23 AM
Must the world always be so completely depressing? Posted at 1:35 AM
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August 31, 2005
