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| message board July 2005
I've been posting in a forum about gay issues lately, responding to a complete moron who has his head stuck up his ass. I read the various postings on this multi-topic forum daily, yet I haven't posted in over a year, preferring instead to just lurk and read, quietly learning and understanding people a bit. A few days ago one of the forum members posted a story from a newspaper in California. It's common on this forum to post news articles or editorials for people to comment upon, and this was interesting to all of us since it is a gay forum. Two lesbians had gone to have artificial insemination and had underwent the initial eleven months of time, money, and tremendous emotional investment (and suffering) necessary to make her more fertile. At some point during the middle of this eleven month procedure their doctor said he couldn't finish the procedure because his religious beliefs wouldn't allow him to do this for homosexuals. His religious convictions obviously didn't stop him from accepting the clients in the first place nor from taking their money for eleven months, and it didn't even stop him from continuing the various procedures and such during the rest of the eleven month set-up procedure. He assured the two women that when the time came for the final procedure, someone else in the practice would take care of them. When the eleven months had passed, however, and the final procedure needed to be done, none of the doctors in the practice would do the procedure. The two lesbians were basically screwed because this practice was the only fertility prac tice supported by the insurance carrier. By the time they had found another fertility clinic and had gotten approval from the insurance group, they had taken too long and had to start the procedure all over again. Not only did they have to pay more out of pocket money for this but they had to go through another year of time and trouble just because they were gay. Worse still they had lost all of that first eleven months of emotional investment. For those of you who've never known anyone whose gone through the fertility process, it is a very deeply emotional ordeal, and I easily imagine that both of these women felt as bad or worse than they would have from having had a miscarriage. They were able to finish the second attempt at fertility treatment and now have a healthy baby boy, but they have filed against the original doctor for discrimination, not because they care about the money - or even because they care about their emotional trauma from the situation (which they could) - but because of the principle, and because they don't want anyone else to have to suffer in this way. To me it was (and is) a simple open-and-shut case of discrimination and the doctor should be sanctioned somehow. He wouldn't have gotten away with screwing over a couple because they were black or Jewish or whatever, and they likewise shouldn't have gotten away with this. In fact I think that the doctor should really be made to pay for what seems clearly malicious treatment with an intent to inflict emotional trauma. Other doctors have even made clear that stopping the treatment as this doctor did, before completion, could have put the patient's life in jeopardy and could have possibly damaged her future chances at having children. To me that's all criminal action on the part of the doctor, and I am, I feel justifiably, incensed. Various people have commented on the article at that forum, and early in the comments were remarks from one regular forum-member who supported the doctor. He felt that the lesbians had no right to demand that the doctor go against his religious beliefs. He also felt that since it was a non-life-threatening procedure that it wasn't a big deal. Besides, he claimed, they got their baby and still had their insurance cover things, so what's the big deal? This forum-member, by the way, claims to be gay, but one has to wonder if he is, and if he is you have to wonder just what he thinks of being gay to support clear bigotry against someone who is just like him. I, and others, argued that the doctor should have the right to his religious beliefs but only to the extent that those beliefs don't harm or threaten others (that's how society works, and that's why the actions of the KKK and polygamists and pedophiles and human-sacrificing-devil-worshippers are made illegal - those people can think what they want so long as those beliefs aren't enacted against others who would be negatively impacted by them). I, and others, further pointed out that the procedure undergone by the lesbians was potentially life-threatening and had indeed cost money, time, and an irreparable emotional investment. All of this the forum-member blew off and claimed were just rumblings from gay people who had an "agenda" to impose their will and supercede the beliefs of others. I pointed out that these women were no more imposing their will upon the doctor than some pre-civil-rights black person imposed their will upon white people when they tried to ride the bus. They wanted equal treatment for a service that was open to the public and for which they paid. The issue then was equality and freedom, and the issue now is just the same. The ignorant idiot form-member refused to acknowledge any possibility of such ideas and attempted with each post to twist the words of the other forum members to suit his own opinions. Fred Phelps and Anita Bryant together couldn't have more blatantly misquoted and misrepresented the views of people who were clearly in support of the gay victims. I have ceased to post on this forum thread, not because I feel I am wrong or that I am beaten, but because I realize that this bigoted foreum-member is blind and deaf to reason, reality, logic, or compassionate understanding of how people should be equally treated, both for moral fairness and for equal treatment under the U.S. Constitution. I am sick of arguing with him not only because he refuses to listen to others but more specifically because he can't even accept that others would have differing opinions and feels compelled to twist their words to claim that they are supporting his discriminatory views. As you can probably tell this whole issue has me incensed, and not merely because I feel compassion for these two wronged lesbians. For me this whole matter is the tip of the iceberg where doctors across the U.S. are trying to claim the right to deny gay patients at their whim, not just for fertility but for anything, life-saving procedures included, meaning that any gay guy coming to the emergency room could be refused medical help, even for a heart attack or for being nearly beaten to death by gay-bashers, all because he's gay. I'm sorry folks - that's the definition of discrimination, and there's no way anyone can twist the truth away from that reality. It sickens me that anyone would even try, honestly, and it really bothers me that such words come from someone who claims to be gay. I wonder, though, if he's just a homophobe in disguise. It's easy to do that on forums, and even though he's ma regular to a gay forum doesn't mean he's at all gay. One way or another he strikes me as being the enemy. In fact if he's gay then he's even more the enemy than if he's a straight homophobe, because without our own solidarity in the face of oppression then we are doomed to being mistreated and harmed, and I refuse to allow anyone to treat me as anything less than an equal, particularly regarding something about me which has absolutely no effect upon their lives in any way whatsoever.
Reality isn't all it's cracked up to be. Personally I'd prefer to be delusional and escapist every minute of the day. At least then I'd have a chance of staying sane. Posted at 10:36 PM
My cold lingers (like an ugly hooker on a well-lit streetcorner). Sadly my sinuses decided to start running again after having almost totally cleared yesterday. Fortunately it's not as bad as it was a couple of days ago, but I'm mighty sick of being sick. Around coughing and stuff, and around running errands and taking my grandma to a bunch of appointments, I decided to try to relax, so I played a game of Rise of Nations Gold on the computer. I've been playing with a higher difficulty setting, and it has been quite challenging. I finally got to a point where I was notably gaining the most power and seriously retaliating against two attacking opponents, when without warning both my ally and a neighboring neutral nation, both of whom I'd helped defend against other nations, decided to take the opportunity to attack me while I was fully committed to the battle with the first two opponents (fortunately the other three nations who had declared war on me weren't too close and the remaining nation was maintaining peace, but I was really being ganged up upon). Still, against all of these odds I held back my attackers and gradually advanced my troops and took one after another of their cities. At least that was the case until my former ally, the backstabber, gained nuclear technology and started firing off nukes like mad - just at me, of course. He devastated more than a dozen of my major cities and decimated large amounts of my armies. With that done he and his new ally, on of my other major opponents, made a run to take my cities and territory. I stopped playing at about 8 PM, partly in frustration. I still control about half of all of the territory on the whole map, have vast resources, and still have some armies plus lots of barracks and auto plants to quickly build more armies. I also have eliminated three opponents and have developed a missile shield that protects me from any more nukes (a bit late, but what are you gonna do?). I saved the game where I was, and I'm convinced that I am still certainly able to win if I quickly rebuild armies and shift power in my cities. The big question is whether I want to do that or not. Part of me wants to finish this (and a huge part of me wants to obliterate my former ally), but part of me would rather just let it end. It's depressing to see so many burnt field, crumbled buildings, dead bodies, and burning city centers that are the only remains of once-huge, bustling cities that were nuked without a second thought. The computer AI hasn't ever been this malicious before, and I don't like it at all. Sadly it seems all too realistic. Maybe I should play Snood instead. Posted at 11:12 PM
My sinuses opened up today and my throat has healed up a bit without the nasty drainage flowing down it. I'm still somewhat tired and I'm still just as depressed as before, but I guess I should be pleased to say at least I'm feeling slightly better. It's all a matter of perspective of course. The timing is funny, actually. I'll probably feel rested and recovered almost completely by tomorrow morning, and my mother will be leaving town quite early tomorrow as well (I saw the last of her tonight). It's ironic that I got sick when she came to town and I feel better as soon as she's leaving. Maybe it was all psychosomatic. Posted at 1:03 AM
While I'm pretty much Agnostic I fully believe that people should have the freedom to follow any religion they choose. I've had friends of pretty much all denominations, large and small, and I'm generally fascinated by the belief systems and customs, so I have gone to a wide variety of very different religious services to support my friends. Having said all of that, though, I am generally staunchly against formalized religions. Something happens when an individual's faith becomes harnessed by an organization, and the result almost invariably is that the individual loses his own need to think and feel what he/she believes and allows the church/organization to dictate thoughts and actions as they believe they should be. Invariably it is this sort of blind devotion to a religious apparatus that causes all of the hatred and pain in the world (consider the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, the Crusades, the punishment of the Jews in Egypt, and even the quasi-religious-based belief systems of the KKK, the Taliban, and the Nazis. Sadly America has been no better than any other country in the world for producing religious organizations that twist their beliefs into hateful ideas and plays for power. When the word 'theocracy' is used, Americans think of Iran or someplace else -anyplace else - but they refuse to ever see it at their own backdoor. Yes, the following article is a bit extreme and over the top, but the base ideas are spot on: Christian Conservatives, in large part Evangelical Christians, are doing everything they can to gain power in politics, school boards, wealth, media control, all in an effort to make their belief system dominate the entire United States at the expense (and elimination) of all other ideologies. I will always support an individual's right to their religious beliefs, but I will likewise always oppose attempts to deny an individual's rights to freedom and belief that are pushed by religious organizations who feel their way is the only way. Seeing America becoming a Theocracy may seem absurd, but Conservative Christians are unquestionably trying to create exactly that. This country was founded on freedom from Theocratic dominance, and we must break such attempts at dominance now, or else all of the freedoms that have been safeguarded for two and a quarter centuries will cease to be ours any longer.
Posted at 11:25 PM
If misery loves company then why do I feel so unloved and alone? Posted at 11:53 PM
Yesterday's tiredness and depression has added a wonderful new component - a summer cold. The joys of stuffed sinuses, drainage down the back of my throat, and half-blocked ears has been just what I needed to make me feel appropriate for my mother's arrival in town today. I really hadn't wanted to deal with her at all, and now I not only have the frustration of her visit to deal along with my depression and anxiety, but I also have to struggle through this cold until my body overcomes it. I should probably stay in bed and rest tomorrow, but I'll be damned if I won't show up in Toledo to fulfill my part in the game, particularly after skipping last week's session while my sister and the kids were in town. Besides, I'm looking forward to what Steve has coming in the game, and I'm anxious to get into it. Hopefully I won't be a total mess by the end of the night, but I don't have a lot of confidence in my sinuses to do anything but drive me crazy. Oh joy. Posted at 12: 32 AM
They're gone. Between the depression I've had for weeks, the sadness at my sister and the kids being gone, and the severe lack of sleep from getting up so early to get them together and see them off, I've been incredibly down and mopey all day. Sure, I did some laundry and cleaned a bit and stuff, and I read some stories on the net and watched some movies on TV, but there have been no high points today at all. It's just tremendous sadness and no energy - like most of my life. At this point I can't imagine ever having the energy to do anything again, and I can't remotely conceive of a time when I'll be even momentarily happy again. Yea. Posted at 11:20 PM
The last full day of my sister's visit is ending, and by probably 8 AM tomorrow she, my nephew, and my niece will be gone, not probably to be here again until Easter. Two times a year is really just not enough. Today started out simply with the kids playing games with me on my computer through Addicting Games.com while my sister started packing things up to be ready for tomorrow. They left around 12:30 to spend time with one of her high school friends, Skip, and his kids, at the pool at the Cedar Point Marina. They stayed until well into the afternoon, and by the time they got back my sister had to get ready for her second night out for her high school 25th anniversary reunion. She left about 5:30 while me, my grandma, and the kids were continuing our game of Monopoly. We took a break from the game to take the kids out to dinner at Mario di Napoli's Italiano, the Italian restaurant in the Sandusky Mall, and then came back to finish the game. Hunter eventually won around 10 PM and I had the kids get cleaned up and ready for bed. Then we all sat down to watch the rest of The Incredibles (from the point where they had fallen asleep two nights ago). My sister got back before the movie was done, and after we chatted and got the kids to bed it was nearly Midnight. Everybody wound down pretty fast and got to sleep, ready for an early rise tomorrow, but I'm still up and feeling sad, partly from the everlasting depression I'm in but mostly because I already feel the absence of the kids, my nephew in particular. I see them very rarely and enjoy every minute with them, but it kills me not to see them, particularly after they've been here day after day. I really have that desire to be a parent flowing through me, call it maternal instinct or paternal instinct or whatever, and it's a different feeling than what I get for caring for my grandma in her old age. It's sad for me not to be a parent and to know I probably never will be (and more specifically, to know that I'll never be a father to my child, wherever she is out there). For now I'm trying to be positive and enjoy all that we've done this past week, but the sadness is still there. I don't want tomorrow morning to come, but it will surely be fast upon me, and they will be gone. Posted at 1:31 AM
My depression is back in full swing and killing me today, making it difficult to be around anyone at all and not be touchy or annoyed - and certainly always being distracted. The whole half-naked gods at the waterpark deal yesterday has clearly had an affect upon me, and a frustrating argument with my grandma in the midst of watching The Incredibles (which was a fantastic movie, as if I could ever doubt Pixar Studios' talents) - that ended up frustrating the heck out of me and making me even more upset. When I got up today those things were heavily on my mind and I couldn't get past them no matter what I tried. And I did try. Fortunately my sister went to Mansfield with the kids to visit her best friend from high school and her kids. They were gone from early morning until late in the afternoon, and even though I had a lot of errands to do and appointments to take my grandmother to, I had a bit of a break. More would have been better, surely, but I pushed off a bit of the depression. By the time I got back to the house with my grandma and the groceries, my sister was back as well. She had to get cleaned up for the first of two nights out attending her class reunion. I fixed dinner for me, my grandma, and the kids, cleaned things up, finished my sister's laundry, and then watched a new Jimmy Neutron episode with Hunter and Christa. By the time Jimmy Neutron was done and we started playing Monopoly I was much better in control of myself - still depressed but dealing with it better. When we wrapped up a little after 10:30 to get the kids ready for bed I was fairly relaxed. Still, I can't shake this depression, and I hope it's gone by the time I get up tomorrow. If not for the depression today would have been rather nice. Posted at 1:32 AM
Seven hours at Ohio's largest indoor waterpark, Kalahari. Seven hours surrounded by shirtless guys ... in shorts ... wet ... happy, exuberant ... young ... perfect. Dante never suggested that the difference between Heaven and Hell was such a fine line. It was like nothing else, surrounded by the most sculpted bodies, chiseled features, and statuesque beauty. No art museum I have ever visited has ever held so much beauty. I was completely enraptured. But Hell was there as well - subtle, low-key, waiting to hit me when I no longer could be dazzled by the beauty directly before my eyes. No, Hell waited patiently until I was driving away and taking everyone home for a late delivery-ordered dinner. Hell grew deeper and darker and more inescapable by the minute, and I now feel a wave of sadness and emptiness that seems crippling. -- And there's nothing I can do to make it stop. And to think that people find it difficult to understand why I hate my life and wish I were dead. Posted at 1:38 AM
You would think that a 'day of rest' at the house would mean resting, being less tired, spending less time under the burning sun, and facing less exertion than a long day like yesterday, pushing through thick crowds at an amusement park while sweating and overexerting ourselves. You would think that, but reality is a different beast. We all started the day around 10 AM, incredibly late by my sister's standards (and late for her kids, really, as well), but considering nobody got to bed before Midnight last night, that wasn't too surprising. The rest of the morning was fairly relaxed as everyone showered and got themselves together, but once we passed Noon things became more tiring. We walked form the house to the Tastee Freeze for lunch, about a six block walk mostly under shade trees but still unbearably hot (it was hotter today than yesterday). We had sandwiches and fries and then some ice cream treats (my banana milkshake was particularly good), and then we trudged back to the house through the horrific heat. That whole trip took just over an hour and a half, but I felt almost sick by the time we got back, the heat literally frying my brain and making things horrible. The kids wanted to play outside in the sprinkler when we got back and wouldn't hear of spending a little time in the air conditioning to cool down first, so I obligingly set things up and watched them for a while as my sister made some iced coffee for herself and the kids. After another two hours in the heat I had had it, however, and I made my way inside to lay down, cool off, and just read the internet news. After about an hour I felt less like I was going to be sick, but the damage had been done, and I just felt exhausted for the rest of the day. I made a big dinner for everybody (baked chicken breasts, green beans, carrots, and home-made potato salad), and then cleaned up afterward, and that made everybody happier. Then we sat down to watch Bruce Almighty from DVD. This is Hunter's favorite movie, and in a strange twist of fate every one of us had seen it at some point already, albeit separately. Still, it's an amusing movie (as is typical of Jim Carrey), and we laughed through it, all while Hunter kept pointing out the 'good parts' to my grandma (which was clearly the only reason she saw any of the movie at all since she kept nodding off to sleep every couple of minutes). After the movie everyone went to bed and I went back to lying down and surfing the net. There's hardly anything newsworthy right now, however, so I'm just going to relax a bit more before going to sleep. It's been another hot, tiring day - hardly the 'relaxing day at home' that I was promised, but I had a good time seeing the kids enjoy themselves anyhow. These moments are rare enough that I certainly can take being hot and tired for a little while, I imagine. I do hope that this is our last day under the blazing sun for a while, though. I don't know how much more of that I can take. Posted at 12:21 AM
It has been one long, hot, exhausting day, but we're back, the kids (and my sister and grandma) are asleep, and I'm more than ready for a long drowse. We spent the day from 10 AM until 11 PM at Cedar Point Amusement Park. It was a beautiful day, but looks can be deceiving. It was unbearably hot, and large parts of the day were simply miserable because we felt we were surely close to death. Still, we trudged through and did a bunch of stuff. The kids rode some rides, were terrified by some rides, refused to ride a whole bunch of rides, and made the day interesting. As usual, their joy, excitement, and wonderment about the park and the rides was what made the day great for me. Helping look out for the kids and take care of them helped, too. I could still feel my depression trying to spoil my day, but my love for my nephew and niece kept that pretty much at bay. I could tell all sorts of weird stories about the day, including: the long explanation of the differences between mohawks and faux-hawks; the discussion about Goth people; the outrageous prices of food; the strange incident where we were waited upon by a girl named Magdalena from Poland, then were waited upon at another food stand some distance away by Magdalena from Poland, who looked just the same yet couldn't have been since we immediately thereafter walked past the first Magdalena still working at the first location (and we thought maybe they were twins, but why would twins have the same name?), and the bizarre closing event with a laser show and fireworks (which was okay but had odd (and very gay) song selections). I may, in fact, expand on these and other interesting anecdotes in later Journal entries. As I should have expected, the park was simply flooded with guys: cute guys, beautiful guys, gorgeous guys, ... hot guys. Lots of guys were shirtlesss due to the heat or from having been soaked in a water ride, so the eye candy was as sweet as could be. Some of the guys I saw were just unnaturally attractive, so flawless and fine as to defy any attempt at a proper description. My head still feels like it will explode from all of the images it processed today. Boy-watching may have been the most exhausting aspect of my whole day, even though everybody else complained about their legs being overworked from the day. My mind is full of things to think about, but honestly my body is pushing strongly for sleep. Sheer exhaustion is sure to take hold soon and wipe me out completely. Tentative plans are to spend a less busy day tomorrow so we can all recuperate (the kids may in fact need it more than the rest of us, in fact). We'll see about tomorrow soon enough, though. For now, sleep ... Posted at 1:13 AM
Well my sister, nephew and niece are here, having arrived just after 6 PM. I just barely finished all of the cleaning, laundry, shopping, and other tasks that needed to be done, and I barely had a chance to read the couple ever a small bit of the final two chapters of the latest story I'm reading. It's a good thing I got as much done as I did, though. The kids (Hunter, my nephew, is just a few weeks from turning 10; Christa, my niece, is just a few months from turning 7) ... well, the kids are a handful, as always, and I'm unlikely to have a spare moment until they leave on Sunday morning. My nephew and niece are always bursting with energy and practically stumble over each other to get my attention, talk to me, or be close. Each of them want to tell Uncle Paul all sorts of stuff, and they want roughhouse with me, and they want to play with my computer and my stuff. My sister, meanwhile, wants to get a break and talk to my grandma as she can, and I just want to enjoy the kids and be amazed with them as I always am. I'm a sucker for giving them attention, and it plays into everybody's best interests, really. At the moment I have what is a rare break as the kids and my sister are sleeping, having turned in about an hour or so ago. I've had a pretty full day of running around and getting things done, and I'm pretty tired as well, although the kids have clearly given me a boost to diminish the depression-fueled exhaustion I've been facing. I'm still depressed and i'm still quite beat, but there is a difference. Their energy rubs off on me at least a little, and that may be the way for me to keep going during what is sure to be a tiring week. Posted at 11:59 PM
Another long, incredibly exhausting day is about to end, and while I've managed to accomplish much more cleaning than I did yesterday, there is still much to do before my sister arrives tomorrow around dinner time. If I'm lucky I might just get things done with a few seconds to spare. Whether I do or not I'll be completely whipped. Heck, I'm completely whipped now. My pillow awaits. Posted at 10:47 PM
Damn I'm moving slowly. I need to do a bunch of serious cleaning throughout the house this weekend to be ready for my sister's visit, and if today was any indication then I'm in big trouble. I started working on my bookshelves, rearranging shelf placement as well as the stuff on the shelves to account for the big gaps left by the tapes, CDs, movies, and books I've already sold during my garage sales this summer. I also pulled out a bunch of collectibles and stuff that I plan to sell on eBay sometime in the near future. Shifting things around to work aesthetically and leave room for adding books down the road - as well as cleaning everything - took all day and I'm still not done with it. And that's just the bookshelves. There's all sorts of stuff more to be cleaned yet, and just on this level of the house - and there are two other levels of the house to be considered, too. Plus I desperately have to do laundry. Not only was I moving slowly through all of this, but I've been exhausted all day. I actually ache from what in my mind was a very minimal job, and I am as tired as can be. I've been pushing myself not to fall asleep, in fact. This all bodes ill for my continued cleaning. And it makes me wonder how I'll ever find the energy necessary to keep up with my nephew and niece The mere thought makes me weak. This current bout of depression is simply abysmal. Really. Posted at 11:33 PM
Here's the data to back up my statement yesterday, that my exhaustion and such is a result of my severe depression. Funny, really, that I never looked this stuff up before, but it's not like I'm surprised by any of this either.
Posted at 11:40 PM
I'm feeling constantly tired lately. I'm quite sure it's from my depression (I have had this same mental and physical exhaustion as a result of my depression before, just not very often). I worked in the yard for a few hours today, and between this exhaustion and the heat of the summer's day, I nearly became sick. Days and days of this same situation is getting wearying, and I'm certainly hoping I find some energy somewhere - and soon - since my sister, nephew, and niece will be arriving in a few days for a week-long visit. Unfortunately I have no idea when this will end, and I'll be damned if I have any idea of how to pull myself out of this. Sure, some Prince Charming coming to my rescue would probably work, but since we're in the real world I'll stick by my earlier assertion. I have no idea how to pull myself out of this. Quite honestly I don't know what the point would be in trying, even assuming I had the energy to do so and some direction as to how to rise above my misery. It's not like anything ever results in a happy outcome in this fucked up shithole of a world anyhow. <sigh> Posted at 11:30 PM
I spent yesterday evening in the same place as I've spent the last few Tuesday evenings, at Mark's with Mark, Steve, and Stephen playing D&D. Even up until the point I left Sandusky for Toledo it was certainly questionable whether I would go or not, though. The bout of depression I've been going through lately is quite severe, and getting out of bed before 11 or Noon is struggle enough, just as getting to sleep at all during the night is a struggle. And doing anything but sitting still in between those times seems almost impossible. Anything I do accomplish is only achieved with great effort on my part, and it leaves me tired and upset. It's pure hell. So as you might imagine under such circumstances, I wasn't sure I'd even be ready to go in time to get to Toledo let alone have the willpower. I went, however, partly with the minimalistic hope that I might get an emotional boost that could break my depression (although this was very minimal to be sure) but mostly I went because I felt obligated to the guys to be there and do my part. They're all quite frustrated with Robbie for rarely showing up, and I don't want to add to that. Besides, I know I won't be there next week since my sister will be in town that week. So I went - depressed and feeling beat, physically, mentally, and emotionally. In fact Steve even noticed it when I got there, and that's surprising, really, because I usually have such a stoic demeanor most of the time that people don't generally realize when I'm sad (a defense mechanism I developed as a child to protect me from my dad treating me worse if I cried or got upset, but something I've never been able to break myself of). In general the night was good for me. It relaxed me a bit, gave me a change of atmosphere, and it did give me some respite from the crushing depression I've been feeling. When I left I could feel the depression descending upon me heavily again, but it was not quite as bad as when I had been driving in. I actually even got to sleep at a fairly reasonable hour, shortly after 1:30 AM, and that was good. I've been pretty down again today, but I think the brief break has helped lessen how bad things have been, even if only minimally. All of that is rather secondary to what I wanted to write about today, though. Today I wanted to write about Matt and what's been going on in my mind. Matt, as you may be wondering, is a kid who is often at Mark's house. As a brief background, Mark got married a few years ago, sold his house and moved into his new wife's house with his two new step-children, and promptly started getting his wife pregnant. After the first two babies they moved into a new house, where they are now. They have a very young, very happy baby boy, Mitchell, who is about 18 months; a young girl of about 2, Macy, who is huge for her age; a young daughter of about 3 who is adorable and will always be a heartbreaker; and then he has two step-children, Cody, who is about 13 and rebellious (as 13-year old boys are); and his step-daughter Lindsay, who is 16 or 17 and working and maturing and every week seeming to become more and more of an adult. Mark's brother is often with his own kids as well, adding to the pot, and since Mark has a pool in the backyard and is very generous with food and fatherly/brotherly support, he also has all sorts of neighborhood kids who are often around as well, playing here or there. One of the neighborhood kids is Matt, a tall, lanky, dark haired boy of 17 or 18 (maybe 16, but I think older) who clearly adores Mark and looks upon him like a father. When I first visited Mark and saw this new house more than a year ago, Matt was there and introduced as Lindsay's boyfriend, but Mark also briefly mentioned as an aside that Matt had been through a lot and that things were rough for him at home so he spent a lot of time at Mark's. At the time my heart went out to Matt, as it does to any kid who has a troubled home life, and I felt drawn to him, even though I saw him only for a few minutes and then never again for months. Each time I've been at Mark's since, Matt has been there. In these recent weeks while I've visited once per week I've seen Matt eating dinner there, getting his hair cut by Tiffany, Mark's wife, having his laundry washed by Tiffany, and generally living with Mark's family. I really have no idea what the full situation is, and I don't feel it's my place to ask, but I've been very pleased and impressed with Mark for supporting Matt and giving him a safe home away from home. Even with the little I've seen of him I can see that Matt is happier, less shy, and less "haunted" when I look at him. It could be that I'm imagining all of that and projecting things onto him, but I really feel like he's changed greatly for the better in this past year or so. In all of this time, however, since I first saw Matt until seeing him again yesterday, my feelings for him have been the same. I feel for him, and I want to see him safe, but I also want to get to know him. That's probably never going to happen, and honestly I've felt very awkward about these feelings. There's one clear thought that comes to people when they hear that a gay man is having thoughts about a teenage boy and wants to 'get to know him', and I've beat myself up about that a lot. Honestly, though, I've pushed and pushed myself in thinking about why I want to know Matt better, and there's very clearly nothing sexual about it. I don't fantasize about him, can't even really picture him as more than the lanky kid he is when he's lounging around the house, and while he is indeed a cute kid, I just don't feel that kind of attraction. I do feel a connection, though, perhaps a maternal/paternal instinct or even a brotherly concern, but more likely I feel a connection as a potentially kindred spirit, having in a variety of ways endured an unpleasant homelife as a teenager myself. So when Matt comes down into the basement where Steve and Mark and Stephen and I game, I find myself watching him and taking in his attitude and behavior. I'd love to just sit and talk to him, but I feel sure I'd come off as some creepy old lecher. It's probably just as well anyhow - Mark has already clearly provided Matt with the support and compassion he needs, and Mark is always there for him, every day. Matt clearly doesn't need any help from me, nor does he need my sympathy, probably. Maybe I feel the need to connect with Matt more for myself than for him. I've only recently really even considered this, and it wasn't even my idea. It came to me from a story I've been reading online, Dom Luka's "The Log Way," a story that was just completed fairly recently. The main character in that story finds himself desperately trying to connect with and help a guy who is his age and who has been bullying him. He gets past the bullying because he sees that the boy is abused at home by his parents, and the main character, who had left his home because of his own abusive parents, wants to save this bully, hoping to feel like he somehow stepped forward and made the abuse stop, something he feels he miserable about being unable to have done for himself. It's a new idea for me but I'm open to the idea that my deep desire to help boys who've faced abusive home lifes is rooted in my own inability to have stopped the abuse I myself suffered. Honestly all that this does is make me want to talk to Matt more; it's increased my need to get to know him. I realize I'm probably the last thing he needs, though, and as I've said, Mark seems to be doing so much for him. So I stay silent and just watch him when he's around. I feel pretty pathetic for acting this way, and that does nothing at all to alleviate my depression. Does this make me a loser? Does it make me creepy? Some sort of freak? Maybe it makes me all of the above. But I still can't stop wanting to get to know him. Posted at 12:01 AM
This recent article about blogging is interesting in that it shows how you can be affected by what you write online. I've always seen what I write here as much more of a Journal than a blog, although that's probably more a distinction of semantics than anything else, but however you look at my writings and ramblings here, there is still the same bottom line in regards to what I write. I have had a number of cases where someone I know will read a blog entry of mine and then come to me and bitch about being misrepresented or tell me that I was a horrible person for what I wrote. Almost invariably I would go back to that entry, read it through, and have no idea what they were talking about. I'd discuss it with them, point out lines from what I wrote, and ask them to tell me how they got their interpretation of things from my words. 70% of the time they realized that they were reading things into my Journal entries that just weren't there. 20% of the time they would admit that what I said was true but they just didn't like seeing it in print (which is funny since I generally only use first names, not full identifiers for people). 10% of the time people are just too bull-headed to listen to anything I have to say, and I tell them to read it again later after they've cooled off. The point is that I've seen the basic level of effects from having an all-access Journal on the Internet. I'm sure that if I'd been writing my Journal during the times I was managing Kinko's stores that I would have gotten myself into all sorts of trouble for shooting my mouth off about stupid policy decisions and ridiculous new paperwork requirements (or whatever), but I would have still stood up for my right to say exactly what I felt. Hell, ever person on this planet has their own perspective. We can all look at the exact same event and interpret it in slightly different ways through each of our eyes. That doesn't mean that everybody other than me is wrong about what they see and perceive, it just means we're human. By the same token, any person has a right to write their own thoughts and perspectives in a blog without repercussions (or at least without shame for telling the truth). I think I've let this (my dedication to being forthright to the point of painfulness) slip a bit over the past year, quite honestly. There have been certain events that I've wanted to write about because they've been very troubling and significant to me, but I've avoided writing about them because I don't want the hassle of someone bitching about how I'm wrong or I'm an asshole for writing such things. There have been people I've needed to write things about who I haven't covered in my Journal, partly because I thought I was being a good person by trying to let things drop and because I thought that it would be respected by that person that I hadn't written about the horrible way I'd been treated by them. Silly me. I should have just written about the events and people and gotten things out in the open - out of my system - and gone on with my life. I certainly wouldn't have probably fared any worse than I have with the people involved in these events. I've also been avoiding writing about being depressed. I've been good about writing about when I'm feeling good or when I've enjoyed something, but I've shirked from writing about my really down times. Mostly I've felt that filling days worth of Journal entries with the sadness and misery of my mind would be nothing any of you would want to read. And to be honest it's harder to write when I'm depressed. It's hard to have any motivation at all, and it's hard to write about how I'm feeling when it's so uncomfortable just to be that way. So I usually cop out and just find an interesting news article to post with a brief comment, or I type a simple quote or lyric that's appropriate but cryptic in regards to what's going on in my life. I've been miserable the past two weeks but you'd never know it from my Journal entries. I've had some of the strongest suicidal thoughts I've had since I was a teenager in recent weeks, and you'd have no clue from what I've written. I guess I'm not really being fair to you as a reader after all, because really, most of you come here to read my Journal and see what's going on in my freakish life, and I'm not even really fulfilling my end of the bargain. Reading this article made me think about what I've been doing and how I'm not putting forth the brutal, unedited honesty that I used to. That needs to change, and it will - maybe not all at once, but it will change, and I will push myself to open up once again. Thanks for sticking with me through all of these often-boring-as-hell Journal entries I've done over the last year. It's time to bring things into the open.
Posted at 1:33 AM
The annual listing of the Top Ten American Cities is out, with an all-around ranking as well as specific rankings based upon various criteria such as Most Safe, Most Educated, Fastest Jobs Growth, etc. Ohio doesn't have a single city listed in any of the rankings except one, Most Polluted, where Ohio accounts for six of the top ten ranked cities. It reminds me if a song by Chrissie Hinde and the Pretenders:
Posted at 11:45 PM
"It didn't cost one red cent." Is that supposed to be some reference to Communism or something? What is a 'red cent' and why is it assumed to be worthless? Why is it that so many clichés make no sense whatsoever? Posted at 12:16 AM
You may know it as Peter the Great ... (Sheesh ... 30 centimeters ...)
Posted at 1:16 AM
Steve was in town this evening (my town anyhow) after having had to service some computers at the local branch of the bank he works for, and we got together over some dinner for some conversation. Steve, my grandma, and I ate at Mario di Napoli's Italian eatery in the Sandusky Mall, actually a very exceptionally good local restaurant with wonderful, delicious, and reasonably priced Italian food. We actually got to the restaurant after 8 PM, and the mall closed at 9, so we were the last to leave the restaurant at 9:30 (Steve had been working 'til 8 getting his job done, and my grandma and I had conducted a full day of running errands, getting things done, grocery shopping, and debating what we needed when my sister visits in another week and a half). After dinner we headed back to the house and Steve and I chatted and chatted about politics and friends and the D&D game and recent events and all sorts of stuff. We haven't had a good long discussion like this in ages, so it was a great time for both of us, but by the time 4 AM was rolling around I was starting to fade. Steve's probably just about back to Toledo by now, as I write this, and I've gotten cleaned up and wound down enough that I'm ready to crash into a deep sleep at any moment. Hopefully I'll actually get a decent number of hours of sleep before I wake up (although it's more likely that my grandma will wake me up for some reason well before my internal clock forces me awake). It's been a good, relaxing, enjoyable night, but I'm damned tired, I must sincerely say. Posted at 5:03 AM
"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." - Homer Simpson Posted at 10:59 PM
George W. Bush would have you believe that leading the most powerful country in the world is as easy as riding a bike, and it seems that his ability to perform either task is more evenly matched than you might have thought.
Posted at 11:12 PM
Dude! You got a Smell™. Posted at 1:02 AM
For You O Democracy Come, I will make the continent indissoluble, I will plant companionship thick as trees along all the rivers of For you these from me, O Democracy, to serve you ma femme! - Walt Whitman Posted at 1:24 AM
"Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner; Is this a song about penis envy?
Posted at 10:21 PM
Soooooo tired. Sleep is good. In sleep there are no dreams. In sleep there is no pain. In sleep there is no misery. In sleep there is no depression. In sleep there is blissful nothingness. It's like a dream come true. Posted at 12:23 AM
Indeed: be afraid.
Posted at 11:39 PM
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July 31, 2005
