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| message board February 2006
Like any of you care what I have to say anyhow ... Posted at 12:27 AM
Crappity crap crap crap. Crap. Posted at 1:32 AM
You are getting sleepy ... sleeepyy ... Posted at 10:49 PM
It has been a long, strange day, and while I expected it to be both long and strange, I didn't expect it to be quite this long, nor did I expect it to leave me feeling quite this strange. For the last few weeks (okay, so over a month), Steve has been canceling/postponing our weekly gaming sessions. Partly he's been overworked and tired and sometimes sick, but by and large Steve has been stressed about finishing all of the details and advance work for the next stages of the Dungeons & Dragons campaign he has been directing. He has been so stressed that he's finding it hard to work on the materials, he gets easily frustrated and defensive about the game, and he's putting all sorts of pressure on himself. As a result, the campaign is in stand-by mode until Steve gets everything ready that he wants ready - and according to him, that could take a few more weeks at least. During all of this series of weekly delays and reschedulings, I've been disappointed but understanding. I've even been concerned about how much pressure Steve's been putting on himself. Mark, on the other hand, while originally accommodating to Steve, has grown increasingly frustrated as each week has passed, and last week he took matters into his own hands and made a proposal that got a 'thumbs-up' from all of us (me, Steve, Steffen, and obviously Mark himself). Mark has developed an idea for a new, rather different campaign, one which he himself would oversee as the Dungeon Master, and he's been building the whole idea rapidly - the world, the timeline, the whole thing. Mark intends to run this new campaign at least until Steve has fully prepared all of the materials for the old campaign. Once Steve is ready then we will decide when to switch back and how we'll alternate between the two. As I say, Mark proposed this last week over the course of a few phone calls, and today was the planned day to meet up and discuss the introductory information and do the basic creation of our characters. But - and there had to be a but - Mark decided that first, it would be 'fun' to check out BASHCon, specifically the dealers' room, and see what's up. BASHCon is a gaming convention held at the University of Toledo by the campus gaming group, UT-BASH. As it so happens, I was, back in 1985, the second Vice-President to ever lead the organization (and I was President the following year), and I was the co-founder and Assistant Coordinator to the first BASHCon (I was the sole Convention Coordinator the following year). BASHCon started out incredibly strong, and I was very proud of what I'd been a part of. Sadly the politics of student organizations and petty gamers led to my resigning from BASH in frustration, something which was equally as upsetting to me then as it still is now. But things didn't end there either. Within a year of my leaving BASH and BASHCon behind, I had left Toledo, as I have sometimes mentioned in this Journal, disappearing without a word, intent on starting a new life and a new identity and leaving the past behind. That, as many of you are quite aware, was not how things went, and instead I was forced back into my old life kicking and screaming and with a criminal record (if you feel you've missed something in this story then I suggest reading back into earlier Journal entries - it's not all there, but most of it is). Not long after I returned to my old life and while I was still on probation and while certain misdemeanor charges were still pending (unbeknownst to me), the 4th BASHCon was scheduled to come up. Wanting to see old friends and celebrate some precious memories, I decided to go, traveling from Akron (where I was then living) back to Toledo specifically to attend the convention. I had, of course, run the first and second BASHCons, and I had attended the 3rd, but the 4th would change everything. Shortly after arriving in the Student Union, I ran into Dan Sikorski, my good friend and previous roommate, a roommate I had left behind without even a note when I disappeared. Dan was ... upset with me, I guess is the best way to put it. Upon first sight Dan strode up to me determinedly and punched me in the mouth, which was surprising for Dan because he isn't a violent person and is largely a pacifist. He started at me angrily for a few minutes after that, and then he hugged me long and hard. The punch I deserved but the hug - well, that was something I probably didn't deserve, but it was indicative of the kind of person Dan always was, and it made clear to me immediately that our friendship was still strong. That was quite comforting, and it was particularly appreciated considering that less than 15 minutes later I was arrested by the campus police. Apparently I had certain outstanding misdemeanor warrants in Toledo that I was unaware of, and the same fuckwads who had been stirring up nasty politics when I was in BASH were not only still around but had contacted campus security that they were certain I would come to BASHCon and that they should be on the look-out for me - which makes it sound like I was a terrorist or something. Writing a few bad checks a number of months earlier was obviously a terrible threat, so I was a top priority. And the end result was that I was handcuffed and taken away (obviously the handcuffs kept me from the potentially dangerous writing of further checks). And then the rest of my day was spent being processed by the Toledo police, once they had picked me up from the campus police. Anyhow, you get the picture. Fun times, yes indeed. So Mark proposed this trip to BASHCon a couple of days ago, and my mind has been remembering a lot of things I don't usually think about. Some of those memories are about the great pride I have in what I created in the beginnings of the convention as well as the early days of BASH itself. And there were some great people I remembered from those days, too. But I found it impossible to just remember the good and not also remember the bad. The pettiness of certain assholes in the organization, the despicable, evil treatment I received from them, the culmination of which was my arrest, but that was far from the only injustice I had been given. All I could think was, "You know, the last time I went to BASHCon, I got punched in the mouth by a friend and then arrested and dragged off. I wonder if they can top that?" Keep in mind that I still have this cold or whatever it is that's making me achy and tired and having lasting headaches and stuff, and then add ... not exactly anxiety but ... just uneasiness and an uncomfortable feeling about the whole thing, and that's what I felt like all morning and early afternoon as I got myself together and up to Toledo. Once there, on the UT campus, I enjoyed looking around a bit. I haven't been there in a long while, and it's always nice for me to look around and reminisce. There are still a number of interesting or amusing memories for me on that campus. Once we got to the Student Union and headed to BASHCon I was watching everything - the campus security guard, the people running things, the people attending. I calmed down pretty quickly, but the whole thing felt weird. It got weirder when I saw people I knew from back then. Bob Kindel, formerly the head of the Ohio Gaming Organization (OGA) and one of my connections to the state-wide gaming community, was there manning a table for a game dealer (a vendor). I also saw Stan Sagan, who was a BASH member when I was an officer and was older than most of us at the time and, while nice, was a little geeky. He was also running a game dealer's booth. And across from Stan's table was a table manned by none other than Ernie Cummings, the de facto leader of the assholes who caused all of my problems with BASH and BASHCon. I should probably have beat the shit out of the fucker, but since I'm not inclined to violence I simply took pleasure in the fact that he didn't recognize me, and I tried to put him out of my mind as soon as possible (I'm still trying to put him out of my mind, by the way). I also saw Martha Rice, my old friend Jerry Jaffe's first wife. She also, surprisingly, was manning a dealer's table in the vendors area. There were a few other people that seemed familiar but I couldn't put names to, but considering we were there for only a bit more than an hour and the convention runs for three days, that was actually a surprisingly large number of people to recognize. If not for seeing Ernie I would in fact have enjoyed seeing those folks. In a final analysis I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. In a way I'm incredibly proud that we made such a good foundation for BASH and BASHCon that they've endured this long. BASH is almost 23 years old and BASHCon is 21, and while BASH is nowhere near the 100+ members I had built it up to, it still lives on, still has a budget (I was on the committee that gave them their first funding) and they still have an office (I was on another committee that assigned rooms in the Student Union and got BASH its first office). And here BASHCon is, alive and kicking after all this time. I hate what was done to me, but I'm proud of what I made. Even though this BASHCon was actually a bit smaller than even the first BASHCon , it was full of people enjoying themselves, and with a full LAN set up for some PC gaming, it is clear that BASH has been expanding their offerings beyond what we had in the old days (at which point the height of PC gaming was Zork III or Wizardry (console gaming (like Atari and NES) was more complex by then, but not PC games)). BASHCon could have been bigger, but it also could have died off long ago. The fact that it's still around after all these years, all dependent upon a bunch of gamers to organize it and put in the effort to run it - that's impressive on its own. I still have mixed feelings about all of it, and I hate that. My life seems to be a repeating cycle of situations where I do a lot of hard work building something up, making friends, and making a success, followed not long thereafter by some one or two bad seeds who I'd thought were friends fucking it all up and screwing me over. BASH and BASHCon should have been totally happy memories, but they aren't. And damnit, I hate that I can't even just think of the good memories without the bad ones being attached. It's just not fair, really. That's life, I know, but just because that's true doesn't mean I have to like it. Fortunately, rather than stay too long and let me brood on things, we left after an hour or so, having checked out all of the wares of the dealers and checking out the LAN set-up and everything else, and we made our way to Steffen's house to eat and to get the start-up work started on Mark's new campaign. Mark gave us a little background on the storyline, gave us some sources to reference from established D&D texts for background data, and got us started (and nearly done) creating our characters for the new group. It looks quite promising, and it will clearly be quite different from what we've each been doing in Steve's campaign. Don't get me wrong because I thoroughly enjoy Steve's campaign, but the differences for all of us in this new campaign should make for a nice change of pace and a chance to challenge us in different ways. I'm looking forward to getting underway in this new campaign just as much as I'm anxious for Steve to be ready to resume the old one. So now it's well after 5 AM, far, far, far later than I ever would have imagined typing this up. And while I expected the day to be strange, I didn't know quite exactly how distinctly strange it would indeed end up feeling. But I can live with it, I think, and even comfortably. And it's these new memories that I'm making, gaming with Mark and Steve and Steffen, that will be what I'll remember fondly, and the past can stay where it's supposed to be, leaving room for better things to come. Posted at 5:42 AM
This is fantastic. My vote is for even more legislation like this. I mean really - won't somebody please think of the children?
Posted at 12:42 PM
I feel like hell. Not enough sleep, lingering depression, headaches that won't go away - it's all leaving me tired, achy, and feeling like it's a major effort just to hold my head up (.iterally, not figuratively). I may have some sort of cold or virus fucking with me considering all of this and the occasional coughing I go through. Whatever it is I've had enough. It's bad enough that I'm often emotionally and mentally miserable, but I don't really need to be physically miserable as well. Posted at 9:46 PM
Is it me or are 90% of Disney Channel's movies and shows made with women in the lead roles? Not that I have anything against women in lead roles - I even think a lot of these movies and shows are great - but recently I've noticed that it seems like girls are being given way more than simply equal opportunities. Am I losing perspective somehow? I don't know. Some kids are boys, Disney Channel. Keep them in mind. Posted at 10:23 PM
There is no Dog. Posted at 11:35 PM
Amazing. Someone exists who actually understands, in my terms, the greater part of what makes me sad and depressed. Milo's insights amaze me more and more.
Posted at 10:31 PM
My cousin Dana visited for a while today, the first time I've seen her in over a year. I have a lot of respect for her, and I always find her quite interesting and fun to talk to, but my heart honestly wasn't in it today. I woke up early and stayed in bed, miserable with a massive headache behind throbbing eyes - eyes that wouldn't stop tearing up. I gradually got myself up and going, but I've been down all day, and by the time Dana arrived mid-afternoon, I wasn't really any better off. I enjoyed her visit more than I would have enjoyed moping around otherwise, but I still feel pretty horrible and quite drained of all energy. Last night I had hoped that I'd sleep this off. Tonight I'm not remotely that optimistic. Posted at 12:52 AM
What a crap day. Amazing how easily the major depression just rushes back in and crushes me. So - no sleep, the worst asshole-ridden traffic I've faced in years, cancellation of the only socializing and entertainment I would have had for over a month, and then unbelievable next part of the fucked up marathon of unbelievable fuckness that I've come to refer to as the Never-ending Epic of the Powerbooks from Hell (coming soon to a nightmare near you). And then I got to drive back from Toledo in even worse traffic, sinking amazingly quickly into deeper and deeper depression. So now, seven hours later, I still feel pain in my chest, still have a headache, still feel like I'm totally on the verge of tears, still have the clenched teeth, and still feel miserable. Just another day in paradise. Posted at 11:37 PM
More sleep! Must have more sleep! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh .................. Posted at 11:40 PM
I'm watching a PBS special about Stonehenge, based on modern archaeological findings and carbon dating and such. It's quite a fascinating new understanding of not only how Stonehenge was created as we see it, but also how Stonehenge developed through different formats over thousands of years. I'm always fascinated by ancient civilizations, their customs, stories, and certainly their ruins. Stonehenge is certainly one of the more interesting since so little is known of who made it and why. Ironically, my attention shifted to a strange parallel while I was watching this, just before I decided to write this Journal entry. I remembered back to the time when I was delivering cars for Snappy Car Rental. We had a delivery area of about eight counties around Akron and Canton, Ohio. One day, while making a delivery in the country, far in the southern part of our delivery area, I came upon Carhenge, a ... homage, I guess ... a reconstruction of Stonehenge but made with cars rather than stones. At the time I first saw it, Carhenge was rather new, less than a year or so old. I knew what it was supposed to be when I first saw it, but when I talked to my co-workers later about it, one of them, Rick, remembered reading a newspaper article about it and did indeed confirm it was called Carhenge. As I remembered that today, I took a chance and searched the 'Net for Carhenge and apparently there is more than one Carhenge, the better-known apparently is in Nebraska, and here it is with its own site. Certainly after such an elaborate PBS program, my remembrance of Carhenge is almost anti-intellectual, I suppose, but it's funny and unusual at the least. What can I say, my head is full of weird remembrances like this. Just stick around long enough and you might be amazed what kinds of weird stuff I describe here. Posted at 11:06 PM
It has taken far too long, in my opinion, but finally there is criminal prosecution being laid against the Gravelles, the horrible "parents" who adopted 11 special needs kids (collecting about $5000 or more per month) and kept the kids locked in cages that weren't even big enough for them to lay down in without curling up. The Gravelles were also clearly abusive in their ideas of punishment, and stories from neighbors make it clear that they certainly weren't buying clothes and stuff for the kids with the money that the state and federal government were providing them. The two Gravelles, a matched pair, are each facing 16 counts of third-degree felony child endangering (1-5 years in prison and up to a $10,000 fine each (meaning 16-80 years and up to $160,000 in fines), 8 counts of first-degree misdemeanor falsification, and one count of third-degree felony perjury (1-5 years in prison and up to a $10,000 fine). I'm hoping that they get the maximum on all counts to be served consecutively, meaning that they would spend the rest of their lives in prison, and maybe then they'll get a hint of what it was like to live helplessly in cages. Gah!!! This whole thing has driven me crazy since I first heard about it last fall. Anyhow, articles are available most everywhere it seems. This one, from the Toledo Blade, is one of the most complete, although this one from CNN.com was good, too, and included a couple different items (I'm only reprinting the one from the Blade below).
Posted at 11:10 PM
Valentine's Day sucks! Just what people like me need, a day to specifically remind us how alone we are. As if we didn't think about that fact all too much during the course of any given day, the greeting card industry and every lucky couple in the world has to rub this shit in our faces. Just great. Thanks a lot, folks. That's really considerate of you. And for those of you who give Valentine's cards to everyone you know, congratulations on not only making Hallmark profitable but in also demeaning the value of what true romantic love really means. What a crappy day. Posted at 9:35 PM
Why, why, why. Posted at 10:16 PM
This new Bruce Willis movie that's being advertised, 16 Blocks, may be the first Bruce Willis movie I haven't liked, and my reason for saying that is quite irrational. Bruce Willis' character has a full, bushy mustache. Granted, I openly tell people that I dislike facial hair, but it's not that I dislike people if they have a mustache or beard or goatee. I just find people more attractive clean-shaven, and I find relatively few people who can pull off facial hair and look passable. With Bruce Willis, though, I think this goes beyond my normal anti-facial hair issues. His mustache reminds me far too much of my dad's mustache, and it's so reminiscent that even the short one minute ads have completely turned me off on this movie and make me expect it to just suck outright. See, I told you it was an irrational reason. Posted at 10:39 PM
Well, Ohio is now officially eclipsing any other American state for its repressive out-right discrimination against gay people. It's bad enough that the conservative sociopolitical domination of this state is driving people away, leaving thousands jobless and homeless, leaving many thousands more living below the poverty line, making college attendees pay more for their education than any other state in the union, having politicians at all levels of government to be corrupt shills of corporate interests and lobbyists, and driving the educational system into the dark ages by supporting efforts against teaching Darwinism and efforts for teaching the Bible in public schools as history and absolute fact. It may offend some people for me to say it, but America as a whole would be well-served if terrorists nuked the entire state and left it uninhabitable for generations, wiping the masses of self-righteous, ignorant, Bible-e-thumping bigots out of existence. Ohio just passed a constitutional amendment banning marriage between gay people that has been considered the most draconian law of its kind anywhere, a law that is so far-reaching that it my even affect common-law marriages. Now, in similar form, state legislators are destroying the families and happiness of gay people as best they know how, by making it illegal for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered people to adopt or foster children under any circumstances, even making it illegal for families to foster or adopt kids if anyone gay lives in the house (such as a gay son or daughter or a gay uncle or grandparent). Surely once this passes, and it sadly will most likely do so with a wide majority, the next law will make it illegal for gays to work - anywhere. Or maybe it will be illegal for them to live anywhere. Certainly the state of Ohio already denies any response to discrimination in employment or housing based on sexual orientation, this would be the next logical step to destroying the lives of people who work hard, pay taxes, and in many cases are the backbones of their communities. I've said it before - this is war. Peaceful attempts to educate people and promote tolerance should have been the proper route, but Christian conservatives and the Republicans who serve them have forced the issue, and gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered peoples now have to fight for their very families, their very homes and jobs, and their very lives. This is a war of freedom more important than any other, and it is inescapable. We certainly didn't start this war - we damn well did everything we could to avoid it and live quietly in peace - but even if we didn't start it we will finish it. Stand up, shout out your support, lend your time to demonstrations, fund the political efforts, and fight! Don't hold back! Make ACT-UP's loud and aggressive actions of twenty years ago seem tame in comparison. It's war, damn it! Stand up for your very lives and make these fuckers pay!
Posted at 9:28 PM
Death eludes me. How long do you suppose this can go on? Posted at 12:01 AM
Is there no sanity left in this world? Posted at 10:28 PM
My TV is getting worse - only gradually but nonetheless worse. Even so, I still haven't decided what to do. I looked both online and in person at various sources for TVs and considered prices, including some decent sales, but the whole idea of spending hundreds of dollars on a TV, given my budget, is not particularly appealing. Sooner or later, though, my TV will die completely and then I'll be stuck. <frown> Posted at 10:06 PM
Is Emeril the secret love-child of BamBam Rubble? BAM!!! Posted at 10:56 PM
I'm waiting for some idiot in Hollywood to decide they need to remake Rebel Without a Cause now. Seriously, after all of the movies they've been remaking, most of which had pretty exceptional levels of success the first time around and which still were incredible films even decades after they were first made - after all of this nothing should surprise me any more. Of course seeing that they're remaking The Omen manages to surprise me, even so. And to think I was shocked that they remade the Pink Panther. Why do I let any of this shock me at all? Why not redo Gone With the Wind? Why not redo Casablanca? It's a Wonderful Life, maybe - maybe even with Adam Sandler in the lead role. Surely that would be what Hollywood is planning next. Stupid fuckers ... Posted at 10:06 PM
Huzzah! Chris called me today from Korea! I haven't talked to Chris in months, and neither of us has been doing very well at sending e.mails or letters since he moved. Chris says he's had the winter doldrums most of the time he's been there and I've ... well I've been me, meaning I've been rather depressed and withdrawn. But today I was really happy to hear from Chris, and we talked for almost an hour and a half. It was great! Chris was actually riding on the bus that takes him to the school where he teaches English, but it had snowed that morning, lightly (he claims it might have been as much as 5mm!), and since it snows very rarely where he is the masses of commuters were terrified and therefore driving at snail's paces. Because of that his bus was taking forever to get into town, and he'd already missed two of his classes before he arrived and we ended the call. He sounds really good, and while I think the novelty of the teaching is wearing off and he's getting frustrated with the whole deal, he still sounds simply fascinated and thrilled with every new thing he learns about Korean culture and food. His girlfriend, Alice, has settled in well I'm told, and Chris says that Alice's son James, who is now 6, is not only acclimating well but has quickly learned Korean near-fluently and has garnered "a million" friends who, in Chris's opinion, sometimes almost treat him like a celebrity (partly due to his ability to speak both Korean and English fluently and interchangeably, even within the same conversation, but also because of his outgoing, bubbly personality). Chris loves James very dearly, it is constantly clear, and when Chris and Alice finally set a date to marry then I see them being possibly one of the most happy and contented families ever - and I certainly can't think of anyone more deserving than my good friend, Chris. Posted at 11:04 PM
Damn! I'd almost forgotten how hot Vincent Kartheiser is. Mmmm ... now I have something nice to think about when I go to sleep. Posted at 12:35 AM
Today I'm turning over the Journal to the words of Josh Aterovis, one of my favorite online authors (The Killian Kendall gay mystery series). Josh regularly posts opinion essays about gay issues, and he repeatedly proves that his worldview is nearly identical to mine. Today's essay (as well as Josh's most recent blog entry) echo perfectly my own opinions about recent events. So without further ado, here's Josh -
...and also Josh's blog:
Posted at 11:15 PM
Now listen closely everyone: "When you assume, you make an ass of u and me." Now you know - and knowing is half the battle. Posted at 9:28 PM
Posted at 11:13 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © February 2006
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February 28, 2006
