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September 2007

September 30, 2007

"Then it has all been in vain. The fellowship has failed."

Posted at 11:41 PM

September 30, 2007

"I would not have it any other way. One may tolerate a world full of demons for an angel.

...

"Hurry though, my love. My days grow shorter, and I am so very weak. I wait for you, my lonely angel."

Posted at 1:09 PM

September 29, 2007

Sandusky isn't just a crap town for its tiny size, lack of culture, thorough bigotry, mass-Republican base, and brain-dead government officials. It also has no prospects for new jobs or for job or wage growth compared to other small cities nationwide with a population of less than 200,000. In fact it ranks 162 out of 179 such cities. Nearby Toledo isn't much better, ranking 196 out of 200 cities across the nation with populations over 200,000.

To quote Chrissie Hynde, "A, o, way to go Ohio."

Posted at 10:20 PM

September 28, 2007

Stargate: Atlantis - proving that you can't boost your ratings by killing off one main character after another and replacing them with one new character after another.

Posted at 10:54 PM

September 27, 2007

Happy Birthday, Grandma!

(Ninety-three? Can you believe it?)

Posted at 9:09 PM

September 26, 2007

Is you is or is you ain't my baby? Baby?

Posted at 9:36 PM

September 25, 2007

I've had a throbbing headache all day that refuses to diminish. I rushed around a lot today, mowing the lawn, going to the bank, getting gas, grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, processing bills, doing some reading, ... and my mom and grandma returned this afternoon as well, so it has certainly been a full, busy day. Still, this headache is quite unpleasant and simply will not let up. It's making me physically sick and making my head and shoulders ache, and I really, really want this to go away. Of course just wanting it to go away doesn't really seem to be doing anything, so ... I'm stuck with this. We'll see what tomorrow has to offer; maybe a night's sleep will help.

Posted at 10:47 PM

September 24, 2007

It's always rewarding to see someone else that understands the sick, demented, single-minded basis of all Republicans for what it is. As more time passes, more people seem to finally realize the truth about not just der Fuehrer Bush but about the entire Republican party and all of its followers as a whole.

The Sharp Difference Between Them and Them
by Hunter

I used to think that the Republicans were primarily little more than marvelous opportunists. Their effectiveness at "catapulting the propaganda" over the last two decades have been astonishing, and never more so than in the last six years.

Case in point, obviously: the MoveOn ad. The horrible, mean, cruel MoveOn ad that questioned the integrity of an Army general simply because he had a proven history of making, you know... intentionally misleading statements based on transparently manufactured statistics. It's still the talk of the news cycle, because Republicans are outraged -- yes, outraged! Offended! Disgusted! Repulsed! Exclamation points!! -- that such a thing would happen in politics. Not the manipulation of numbers and of evidence, mind you, that long being the standard currency of unpopular wars: no, the offense was the ad.

The irony has not been lost on anyone, I imagine. For six years, opponents of the war have had their patriotism, their integrity, their very status as Americans questioned by Republican administration officials in their public statements, by Republican senators on the floor of the Senate, by Republican congressmen in the House, from the White House press office, in the pages and websites of every conservative and Republican rag out there, by Republican activist groups, on Republican radio programs, by Republicans holding up signs on street corners, and so on. Along with a generous application of rank dishonesty, it has been the standard and defining element of War On Terror Discourse. It has been as prevalent as now-faded yellow ribbon magnets, and exactly as substantive. The questioning of patriotism, of Americanism, of integrity, and of courage was the id of the war, and the ego and super-ego as well.

You lack patriotism if you question the President. You lack patriotism if you question the competence of the war planners. You lack patriotism if you do not support the correct number of tax cuts (namely, every one proposed.) You lack patriotism if you object to Social Security "reform" packages. You lack patriotism if you point out dishonesty on the part of political leaders. You lack patriotism if you ask where Osama bin Laden is. You lack patriotism if you point out where he is not. You lack patriotism if you disagree with how the "war on terror" is fought, or worse yet if you express that disagreement in such a way as to inconvenience an American elected official. You lack patriotism if you print certain stories in a newspaper, such as any investigative story that questions the effectiveness of Republican leaders, or which shines too bright a light on the policies of our glittering new war.

For six years, anyone on the opposing side of a Republican proposal have had our "integrity" questioned at every turn, and at podiums throughout the capital, by the top members of American government. As a matter not only of course, but of intentional strategy.

Now, though, the Republicans have found their outrage. Questioning the integrity of a Vietnam vet running for President, and not just questioning his integrity but attacking his service to his country itself, through a series of made-up smears pushed by political operatives? That was not objectionable. No problem. Questioning the patriotism of a veteran who lost three limbs fighting for his country? That was politics, and not worth speaking out against. Accusing a top general, Nato commander, and Democratic presidential candidate of incompetence, or politics, or cowardice, or war crimes? Nothing to see. Not a scandal; not a low blow; not even worth even mentioning.

Questioning the integrity of a single general shown to have been campaigning for a war based on fictionalized numbers intended to make his vaunted plan look more effective than it is? No, that one is over the top. Stop the presses; march to the podiums; get the Hardball bookers in gear. Like Terri Schiavo before him, General David Petraeus and his wounded integrity requires the direct and immediate intervention of the Senate. And, in fact, of the entire media infrastructure.

That's the one. That's the poster child, the one troop that the Republicans will support by name. Perhaps if we could pass individual amendments for each one of the 160,000 soldiers in Iraq, we could get each one of them what they need. More armor, a reprieve from yet another stop-loss order, a college fund. I suspect, however, that those amendments won't be forthcoming.

Perhaps, then, an amendment condemning any one of the countless times a dissenting American was called a traitor or unpatriotic by the likes of Rush Limbaugh, or Coulter, or Malkin, or Hannity, or by National Review, or on the floor of the Congress? No, not likely. After the previous span of years, it would seem that any such legislation would long ago have been forthcoming, if it was to be coming at all.

Why, then, is it ok to impugn the integrity of the common citizen, but not of a powerful one? Why is it acceptable to challenge the honesty and integrity of a general answering to a Democratic president, but not a general answering to a Republican one? Surely, the differences must be real, and not as artificial and craven as they would, at first glance, appear.

At almost any point in the last few years, I would have chalked up a media event like this to the spectacularly well-orchestrated opportunism of the Republican Party. They don't actually give a rat's ass about David Petraeus, I would have argued: his "integrity" is just the latest in an unending stream of empty, meaningless symbols and convenient outrages that grease the wheels of Republican ambitions. I would have argued that they were surely cognizant of the irony of their own craven bluster, after six years of hurling worse invective at any American voice, large or small, that questioned their war or the nation-rending havoc it has produced: they were merely hypocrites because being a hypocrite, in Republican circles, is a perfectly acceptable and admired thing to be.

Now I am not so sure. Perhaps I have judged them all too harshly, because in listening to the rhetoric of the last week, I have come to the rather audacious conclusion that perhaps we should take them at their word, and accept their outrage as honest. Perhaps they really are outraged by this one case -- and perhaps they really were not outraged at any of the others, in the last six years. Not one, not at any point. How, though, could this be?

I suspect we can go for the obvious explanation, the one that permeates every aspect of conservative thinking from welfare reform to foreign policy: conservatives are absolutely incapable of identifying with any person who is not them, or not immediately allied with them.

Empathy, in other words. We have argued before that conservatism is marked by an astonishing lack of empathy: in the case of the most hardcore conservatives, it seems nearly sociopathic. Conservatives cannot identify with the person who works hard but still cannot feed their family: such people surely must simply be slackers. They cannot grasp the agonizing struggles of a victim of a medical emergency, not able to save their own life because their employer was not the right employer, or their policy was not the right policy, or their checkbook was not the right checkbook: those people must, presumably, have done something to deserve their fate. If religious, they cannot understand the mind of the less or differently religious, and assign such differences as being exclusively evil. They cannot understand the fights between factories that emit dangerous pollution into their environs, and the people that live in those environs: why don't they just move to better towns? They cannot understand how shock and awe bombing of a neighborhood or family would turn that neighborhood or family into bitter enemies of those that bombed them: the very concept eludes them.

So perhaps it is really, truly, honestly the case that the entire Republican Party, from the President on down, including every single senator, every congressman, every talk show host, every television personality, every think tank thinker, every party strategist, every Republican press spokesman never, ever realized in the last six years that questioning the patriotism or courage or integrity of a dissenting American was wrong. When questioning the very patriotism of Americans dissenting from a Republican policy or action, it was simply politics, and to even complain about it was considered a mark of weakness. It took harsh words about a quintessential non-dissenter, a man handpicked for his willingness to unambiguously support the policy of the President, a powerful man with a literal army under his control -- that was the low blow. The rest of you were insignificant Americans, and calling you cowards, or traitors, or even a fifth column, demanded no action. There were no speeches on the Senate floor condemning such rhetoric. No television programs were dedicated to the premise of exposing such hateful speech.

But how dare anyone direct harsh and impertinent words towards that man, a man on the non-dissenting side of an issue, a powerful man tasked with implementing a Bush administration policy, a man who has traveled the world giving misleading statistics and asserting that the sky in Baghdad is green and not blue. No, that will not stand. Attention must be paid.

If we take them at their word now, the picture of the last six years is unambiguous. It never dawned on any of them -- not even for a moment -- until questions of integrity were directed towards one person on their own side of the partisan divide. And then, like the light of divine revelation, they felt the sting of questioned integrity, and determined that such things were unacceptable, and felt the urge to act against it. Not since Saul's conversion in the desert has an apparent change of heart been so sudden, or so complete. The voice of the reasonable and distinguished United States Senate has been heard, and will be followed: upon their demand the next Republican National Convention will include, no doubt, condemnation of the purple Band-Aids conventioneers war in base mockery of John Kerry's wounds as an American soldier.

That must be it. It must have been a nearly sociopathic lack of basic human decency, up until this point, one that governed their every debate and political strategy for six years but which has -- hallelujah! -- now fallen away after having been given a single mild and petty example of questioned integrity that cut against their own agenda, instead of in support of it. And now resolutions will be erupting, one after the other, condemning all the past acts of character assassination, of assertions of cowardice, and of treason.

That must be it, because the alternative would be that they were indeed all depraved, opportunistic and pandering hypocrites of the highest order, and that for the last six years they have questioned all of our patriotism, all of our decency, and all of our integrity as simple acts of intentional, plotted, and sanctioned thuggery, before turning on a dime to cringe in organized horror at a single public example of the same directed their way. And in these shiny new days of Senate-demanded mass American respectfulness -- a new public respectfulness enforced by the sharp edge of the Senate's rhetorical sword -- it would be unkind of us to presume such things.

Posted at 8:08 PM

September 23, 2007

A moment of silence, to remember Marcel Marceau.

Posted at 9:10 AM

September 22, 2007

Note to self: stop being surprised by your family doing exactly the sorts of things you expect and dislike of them.

Posted at 9:56 PM

September 21, 2007

Chris called me from New Zealand late last night (or early this morning, depending upon your perspective), and we had a great talk for almost a half hour. Our call got abruptly cut off, though, and I don't know if it was my cell phone or something on his end. I tried to call him back, though, and I couldn't get a connection, so I'm still not sure what was up.

I was pretty disappointed that I couldn't talk to him more, and I couldn't get back to sleep for another three hours or so (until around 6 AM). I've been sort of dragging all day, but it's more from depression than from lack of sleep, I think. I just feel so empty lately, and it's the loneliness of not having someone to love - someone to love closely. Even if my grandma were here or I visited my friends in Toledo or something, it wouldn't fill this void. I love my grandma, and I love my friends, but none of that really compares with having a real love of your life, a close companion and soul mate.

What's the point in just doing the basics to stay alive, covering basic needs for food and shelter? Why even try if that's all there is? That's all I'm doing, and that's all I've been doing for years. Working on my degrees gave me some sense of purpose, and certainly taking care of my grandma is a worthy pursuit, but what is there beyond that? Nothing, that's what. There is absolutely nothing, no reason for me to be alive at all, and if that isn't depressing then I don't know what is.

Posted at 10:59 PM

September 20, 2007

I need a new start, somehow.

Posted at 10:50 PM

September 19, 2007

Yo Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me)

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot.
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.
We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot.
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We extort and pilfer, we filch and sack.
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.
Maraud and embezzle and even highjack.
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.
We kindle and char, inflame and ignite.
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.
We burn up the city, we're really a fright.
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.

We're rascals and scoundrels and villains and knaves.
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.
We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs.
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.

We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do-well cads,
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.
Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads,
Stand up me hearties, yo ho.
Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.

Speak up, ye scurvy dogs!

Posted at 8:28 PM

September 18, 2007

Why did I even get out of bed today?

Posted at 11:01 PM

September 17, 2007

I've read that after very prolonged periods of depression a person can become not only more susceptible to future depression but can have much more difficulty returning to a 'normal' state. I feel like I can attest to that in some ways, but at the same time I don't want to believe it's true - I need hope that I can pull out of this and have some semblance of a normal life. That slender hope is fading, and with it fades any feelings of life. I feel so much like the walking dead now that I dread thinking what this might be like when the last vestiges of hope disappear.

Posted at 11:41 PM

September 16, 2007

It's sad, but these get-togethers at Steffen's are becoming less entertaining/relaxing and more stressful/frustrating. For my own part I just want to relax, find out what's new with everybody else, discuss the latest news and politics, eat a nice meal together, tell some jokes and quote some movies or TV shows, and enjoy a few hours away from all other aspects of our lives that are stressful or difficult or limited. For a long time I was able to find just that sort of escape when we got together, and while every once in a while there would be a very large argument or clash of minds and wills, those were pretty much few and far between, and the remaining visits were just what I needed. The past couple of months have been much different, dominated by near-constant conflict and differences of opinion, and - worst of all - the repeated delving back into the same frustrating differences of opinion that had made the previous get-together disappointing and stressful. Things have devolved to a point where it is now actually more stressful at these get togethers than it is otherwise in life (for me at least), and that basically means that it's not really any longer worth my driving more than an hour and a half each way and dumping $30 to $40 each week to cover the expenses of driving there and buying a take-out dinner.

Really there is no way to put a price on the relaxation and socialization I've wanted and sometimes gotten from these get-togethers, and therefore I've striven to go as often as possible even though the practical costs have been high. Now though, I'd have to say that even if I didn't have to put in any time or money at all for these visits, the price would still be too high now that things have become so frustrating and aggravating and anti-social. Even if it didn't costs me anything in time or money, it is costing me far too much mentally and emotionally.

WIth only having met twice in the last five weeks and not set to meet again for another two weeks, it seems hard to believe that I could have reached such a breaking point, but to feel the same draining stresses from the same ridiculous and pointless arguments each time we get together again has finally gotten to be too much.

I have two weeks before we're supposed to get together again, so perhaps I'll feel more inclined to try again in the hopes of having the sort of relaxing, enjoyable time I used to look forward to. On the other hand I may just stay here and find a good movie to watch or a good book to read - maybe I'll even get together here in town with John or Val, since I really don't see them very often and would enjoy their company. For now I just want to forget about it and try to wind down so I can get to sleep. Sleep ... oh that would be wonderful.

Posted at 1:27 AM

September 15, 2007

Funny that I can be this tired and still have trouble sleeping. Go figure.

Posted at 8:48 PM

September 14, 2007

It's been a day full of depression, one of those days where just seeing a good-looking guy on TV or the 'Net makes me cry from the loneliness and longing. It hurts deep in my chest, just as though my heart were being eaten away, and I border on getting sick as the pain pulses and spreads. I think cancer would be easier than this.

Posted at 10:35 PM

September 13, 2007

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Posted at 10:59 PM

September 12, 2007

Am I really this unlovable?

Posted at 10:19 PM

September 11, 2007

Uh, ... yeah. I got nothin'.

Posted at 10:53 PM

September 10, 2007

It's a lonely, empty world, isn't it?

... it's been a rough day ...

Posted at 11:35 PM

September 9, 2007

It's been a long day, and I'm incredibly tired, but before I collapse at my keyboard and sleep the sleep of the dead, I'll try to do a basic recap of things.

The plan for the day was to get myself together, run some errands, drive to Perrysburg, run some more errands, and then get together with Mark, Paul, and Steve at Steffen's for the first time in a month. Last night I was questioning whether I should go because I didn't physically feel good, but I also just felt emotionally like I wasn't really up to seeing anybody in my current state. By the time I was awake and moving around this morning, that feeling hadn't changed much, although I was physically feeling better.

I'd only been up an hour or so when the doorbell rang and I found myself face to face with John Bossart, and old friend from high school whom I haven't seen in about fourteen years. He still lives here in Sandusky, and he had looked me up and decided to reconnect, and we had a great (albeit relatively short) conversation. Unfortunately I had to get ready and eat lunch and run errands all before heading out of town, and I didn't have a lot of time, so we had to keep things short for this visit. I'm sure I'll see more of John, though.

After John left I ran around and got things done and actually timed things almost perfectly to make it to meet the guys on time. We hadn't been able to coordinate our schedules for a month, so it was good to finally get together and catch up on what was going on with each other. It was a pretty decent time. We spent a little less than five hours together before Paul had to leave, and then we chatted a little more before Steffen had to go to bed, then a little more out on the street before Mark had to head to work, and then for a while more with just Steve and I chatting under the street lamp. By 1 A.M. I was tiring (probably more from blood loss to the mosquitos than anything else, and Steve has to start his first day at his new job in the morning, so we each headed home.

My drive was a bit longer than Steve's but I'm here and quite ready for a long slumber. Unfortunately I have to get up early tomorrow, so I won't have as much sleep as I want or need, but I'll just have to deal with it. I do need to get some rest, though, so I'm heading off right now. Tomorrow will come all too soon.

Posted at 3:05 AM

September 8, 2007

I watched the first episode of Torchwood tonight, that being the Doctor Who spinoff that's been getting rave reviews in Britain for its first season. At long last BBC America has started broadcasting it, so I finally have a chance to watch.

First episodes of a new series are usually poor examples of what to expect since they have to introduce location, concept, characters, and everything else that the show is to offer, and on top of that they still have to have a plot and storyline that works for that first stand-alone episode. Even with this (Torchwood) being a spinoff, there's not a whole lot known about what Torchwood really is, even if you've watched Doctor Who closely and know all there is to glean about Torchwood. Taking all of that into consideration, this first episode covers a lot of ground and still offers a solid story for the episode itself. John Barrowman is even more central and primary than I had expected, at least in this episode, and that make4 work well since he's has a very good presence and appeal.

If the show lives up to the hype and the reviews - and this first episode suggested it will do just that and more - then I'll happily have another TV program to look forward to each week. Since so many good shows are closing down with series finales, there's not a whole lot left that I truly enjoy any more, so every single decent program is well appreciated.

Posted at 10:51 PM

September 7, 2007

Something's going on in my mind. My depression has grown much worse in the past week; I couldn't get to sleep until some time after 4:30 A.M. last night; I feel like just giving up and laying numb in bed all day, not watching TV or eating or anything; and it's a struggle to do anything at all. Even things that should be enjoyable (reading a good book, watching a good TV show, getting a gift in the mail) pass without giving me any lift, and in many cases I even feel something about those things that makes me feel even worse. Usually this sort of thing is a signal that my subconscious is trying to tell me something, alert me that I'm forgetting the anniversary of some significant event or signaling to me that something very wrong is about to happen as a result of something I've set in motion. I have no idea what I might be missing, but this crushing agony is difficult to bear.

Why is this my life?

Posted at 9:15 PM

September 6, 2007

Pointless, pointless, pointless ...

Posted at 10:38 PM

September 5, 2007

I love drum corps, particularly DCI, and I would give anything to be able to afford to go to the semi-finals and finals every year (for all tiers) as I did nine years ago (when I treated myself, knowing that my finances would be for shit for years to come after that). Part of it stems from my love for and involvement in competitive marching band when I was in high school, but much of it is the love of the style of music, the beauty and complexity of the field routines, and most of all the power and beauty of the sound. Even thinking about DCIs makes me giddy, and any drum corps competition I go to makes me happy throughout the event (and that's saying a lot considering my ups and downs in emotion).

I've been waiting for tonight for a while, knowing that ESPN was supposed to broadcast the DCI finals top ten bands. In years past I've relied on PBS to see the finals, and I'm usually a bit disappointed in the sound quality and the camera coverage of the performance on field, but I do always enjoy it. I hadn't really thought much about what to expect out of ESPN's coverage, but I guess I took for granted that they would do a similar or better job than PBS. What a shame that that wasn't the case.

Each band in a drum corps or marching band competition performance has three (or sometimes four) numbers in their routine. ESPN has shown only one from each group they have highlighted. The overlaying commentary wouldn't be bad except that they talk during the performances! And the interviews and "background" segments, while interesting, waste time that I would much rather have watching the full routines. Even worse, the number of ads are ridiculous. Maybe I've been spoiled by watching this on PBS for years with no ads at all, but come on - no wonder they have only one out of three songs per corps - a third of the two hours is set aside for commercials!

So I'm disappointed. You sadly have no real feel for how well one band did against another because you get such a short glimpse and because there are more ads that you watch than there is performances. It ruins the whole thing. Boo!

I will say that my all-time favorites, the Phantom Regiment, were amazing (or at least the one song I was able to see televised was amazing <humph!>), but I really don't care for their new uniforms at all, certainly not as much as any of the uniforms they've had over the past twenty-five years (take note, all you dedicated readers - this is one of my extraordinarily rare moments of playing fashion police in any way, shape, or form). Based on what I've been able to see, my beloved Regiment was robbed - they were much better in control, sound, and execution that any of the three corps that scored higher in the finals. They should definitely have been ranked higher than fourth place.

Posted at 12:00 AM

September 4, 2007

If there be righteousness in the heart,
there will be beauty in the character.
If there be beauty in the character,
there will be harmony in the home.
If there be harmony in the home,
there will be order in the nation.
If there be order in the nation,
there will be peace in the world.

- Confucius

Posted at 11:39 PM

September 3, 2007

Was there ever any point in it all?

Posted at 10:33 PM

September 2, 2007

Well, today was supposed to be a nice get together with Steve and Mark and Paul - and they were supposed to drive here if you can believe it. Maybe you don't believe it - and maybe you'd be right to do so, because, as you've probably already surmised, the whole deal was cancelled and I spent the day alone ... again. I'm used to being alone, and that's fine I suppose, but I'd been told to expect this for a few weeks and I've been cleaning and getting things together for the better part of the past week - and heck, I haven't seen any of these guys for almost a month now, so I was looking forward to dinner and conversation together. Oh well.

So today I played some Age of Empires III most of the day while watching/listening to TV in the background (the fun and excitement never ends - woo hoo). It passed the day away, but I think I would have probably enjoyed reading a book better. I couldn't bring myself to work on one of the various projects I've been trying to plug away at, considering I'd been expecting this to be a day of relaxation for a couple of weeks, but now that the day is just about over, I can't say I feel like I have anything to show for it and I don't honestly feel any more relaxed than I have for the past few weeks (Demanding, aren't I?).

Now, at only 11 PM I feel incredibly exhausted - and I did nothing today. Nothing! So I'm winding down and going to bed. I'll watch TV for a bit, but I might just fall asleep anytime. What a day. What a day.

Posted at 11:03 PM

September 1, 2007

I don't understand ...

Posted at 9:39 PM

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