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| message board August 2007
If it's true that good things come to those who wait, then when exactly will my wait be over? It's been a really long wait. Posted at 10:41 PM
What's a word to describe being worse than hopeless? Posted at 10:10 PM
Where's the love? Posted at 11:11 PM
It's always nice to have everything clean and sparkly. It makes me feel just that much less depressed. It's a shame it takes so long for me to push myself into a full clean sweep, but it's hard enough to be motivated to get out of bed most mornings lately, so what do I expect? Posted at 12:17 AM
The floating layer of dust and the killer dust bunnies are gone. There's much more cleaning to be done tomorrow, but the worst is done (and it's only taken me three weeks of intending to do it to get there). How the hell does it get this dusty anyhow? Posted at 12:56 AM
I wonder how many people in the world are as severely debilitated as I am by depression (or bipolar disorder, if we're to be more specific)? Even the thought of just one other person going through this is too much to bear. Posted at 9:30 PM
Is anything going to go well for me this week? Posted at 11:55 PM
I need to get laid. Posted at 10:08 PM
I've been watching the Little League World Series on and off over the last few days - something unlike me since I'm not much for televised sports as they're less enjoyable than being there - and I've been really entertained. There's a lot of enthusiasm in the kids that are playing, and there's an amazing amount of action - great double- and triple-plays, amazing stealing of two or three bases at a time, out-of-the-park homers, 80 mph pitches - just really great talent, but also really great action. In the major league you miss a lot of that action because, to some degree, the guys are too good and things are kept more at a standstill, so baseball, particularly on TV, is often really, really boring because nothing much happens. That's not to say that these little-leaguers are scoring massive numbers of runs because they aren't. The games I saw were all pretty low-scorers, but they just had a lot of action throughout, both in hitting and in pitching and fielding. It was an eye-opener, and I'm glad I watched. I also was mesmerized by the one commercial that was played repeatedly (this was all on ESPN, but I don't know who sponsored the ad). In the ad there's a guy batting a ball that's just come to him. You think it's probably coming from a batting machine, but as the camera pans out you see he's on a tennis court and the ball is being batted back and forth between two guys wielding bats. They lob the ball back and forth, each getting under it well and making their opponent play the court pretty broadly until the one guy just lets loose and slams the ball out of the court (which looks cool, but would of course mean he lost the point as far as the tennis match is concerned). I have no idea if this was real or a CGI creation, but it surely seems possible. It just stunned me every time I watched it, even knowing what was coming, to see these two guys batting a baseball back and forth with such ease, even with having to run to one part of the court or another to be in place. Amazing stuff. UPDATE: Here's the video on YouTube. The ad on TV is sponsored by Frosted Flakes. Sports aren't that big of a deal for me, and I generally only enjoy the occasional sporting event, and I have to be there live to really enjoy the energy of it. Just following sports for the sake of it or whatever the reason most people follow sports has never made any sense to me, and I've just never gotten into it. Keeping track of statistics for various teams and players has made even less sense to me unless you're a bookie or unless you have some vested interest in a player or a team, and again - I just really don't get it. But then again a lot of people don't "get" why I enjoy reading books or playing computer games or walking in a forest. To each his own, I guess. But precisely because of all of this I've been surprised at myself the last few days as I've watched these games in the series. I've really enjoyed them, and I've been really stunned by the talent shown. I know I couldn't watch even this non-major-league play very often because it would get rapidly boring for me as well, but the last couple of days have been a treat, and for that, unexpected as it has been, I'm grateful (and I haven't had much of anything to be grateful for lately, so it's doubly nice).
... Bunburying is supposed to be fun ... or at least escapism ... Today hasn't been either, but hell, when does anything ever go like I expect? Posted at 9:48 PM
I'm off Bunburying today. (If you have no idea what that means then you definitely need to read more). Posted at 10:19 PM
I feel myself getting crushed further and further into a deeper depression the past few days, something that makes things feel even more hopeless. On my better days I find myself thinking that "maybe I'll pull out of this a bit and build from there", but then it's back to where I was or worse, and I just become mired deeper and deeper in misery. Certainly things become much worse when, on days like today, I don't keep myself busy enough and I find myself replaying my sister's vitriolic nastiness over and over in my head, trying to understand and failing again and again. Or I think of Ken and how I miss him so dearly. Or any combination of depressing thoughts and memories. Once my mind gets rolling, as it did during my drives to and from Bowling Green today, I end up reliving so many of those things I so desperately don't want to remember any more, and I'm trapped because I simply can't escape my own mind. All the gains I had made in the first half of this year: the emotional stability, the moments of actual happiness, the improved physical condition and weight loss, the complete cessation of migraines, the better sleep, the greater ability to focus and get motivated - all of those things have gone and completely reversed themselves in just these past two months, and I have to wonder whether I'll ever see better times again or if it's even worth trying to hope for such things, considering any happiness I can have is clearly only to be fleeting. I don't see any positive future for myself short of something on the order of a miracle, something like winning the lottery or some other completely impossibly remote situation, and even if I were to win the lottery I have doubts that I could find lasting happiness, even though I could resolve many of my current problems and pay for therapists and engage in charitable giving and other meaningful pursuits. I'm not sure there's any point in trying any more. If this misery is all I have to expect from the future, why try to endure? Hell can't be any worse or more enduring than this, surely, for as far as I'm concerned this is hell, right here, right now, certainly as miserable as anything Sisyphus or Tantalus ever faced in their own eternal damnations, and to me just as inescapable. Posted at 11:00 PM
Will it always be this bleak? Posted at 11:10 PM
Dreams, unfulfilled, become nightmares. Save me. Posted at 10:41 PM
Is it the new thing to do to make new TV shows and made-for-TV movies that are not necessarily cheaply done but which have simply abysmal acting, the thinnest of plots and storylines, and the most laughable excuses for dramatic climaxes seen since the days of the overacted 'emotive' dramatics of early silent films? Is there really this much of a lack of talent and imagination and directorial ability in the TV industry that this is all they can produce? This is truly a new low even by Hollywood standards. Posted at 9:44 PM
Well, I can still use my arm, even if it is still a bit rubbery, and there's hardly any pain at all, so hopefully this means that I'll be back to normal after a couple nights of decent rest and a couple days of minimal typing (or using my right hand at all). I'm still not happy with this - and I'm even a bit freaked out - but it seems to be on the mend, and hopefully this won't happen again. While the condition of my arm has certainly been uppermost in my attention, today also saw the departure of my grandma to Florida with my mother. After arriving Monday afternoon my mom spent a few days to visit and help my grandma pack appropriate clothes to pack for her five or six week visit. I had thought they wouldn't leave until tomorrow or Saturday morning, but that was not the case. MY mom is driving this time and plans to take through the weekend on a casual driving schedule back to Florida, staying with various relatives along the way. This should be a lot easier for my grandma since she gets a bit worked up about the schedules and stresses from air travel, even though it will be a trip of a few days rather than a few hours. So now I'm on my own, and I spent part of the day cleaning and organizing the basement and the first floor. I would have liked to do the same with the second floor today as well, but my arm was dragging me down, and I decided that I didn't really have to push myself, so I took much of the rest of the day a bit easier and read a good bit and watched a bit of TV. There are a lot of things I'd like to get done in the next few days, but I also want to get fully rested and relaxed and not worrying about my grandma - and hopefully clear my mind and find some much-needed balance for my emotions. Whether I'm successful at that is yet to be seen - but I can hope, I guess. For now, though, my arm is aching a bit from typing this, so I'm going to bring today's entry to an end. I hope my arm gets over this fast; it's really annoying. Posted at 9:15 PM
I've had serious Carpal Tunnel pain in my right wrist all day today, so strong it makes my whole arm feel like there's liquid pain flowing through my veins. Too much typing on my computer yesterday and then sleeping on my arm (to the point of reducing blood flow) seem to have done a job on my arm, and it's been hell. I had planned to do lots of cleaning and stuff today, but I didn't want to push things (and I just didn't feel up to it). Hopefully a good night's sleep will clear things up. If not tomorrow will suck just as much as today. Pain is not pretty - not pretty at all. Posted at 11:52 PM
Ah hell. Some days just simply get away from you and you don't get any of the stuff done you plan to do. Welcome to my day. I guess tomorrow will be a bit busier than expected. Crap. Posted at 12:30 AM
Why does it seem like I'm doing laundry more often in the last few months when I'm not changing clothes any more often? Posted at 10:12 PM
After running my grandma to church and back, and after getting her settled with lunch and everything, I headed out for a day to relax. The start of my relaxation time was watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the matinee. As usual, the Harry Potter story is very engaging, and I did thoroughly enjoy the movie. With that said, however, I had a few qualms about this particular episode in this movie series. First and foremost, I thought that the movie should have been longer or split into two films. Too much of significance was cut, as has been the case in the last couple of movies, and the story lost a great deal of clarity and development. In fact I truly wonder whether someone who saw the movie but hadn't read the book would be able to follow what was going on, because so many things were rushed through that I can't see how someone would notice what had happened, let alone understand the significance. This is a problem much of the series of movies has faced because too much is cut out so that the movie can be an "acceptable" length. I think it is really a poor choice to sacrifice the quality and impact of the story in this fashion. But I'll never have any effect on Hollywood moguls, so ... My second big problem with this particular episode of the series was the outfits. It may seem a stupid complaint on my part, but I have found it screwy that the kids in each different movie dress radically differently. Dudley has gone from wearing formal clothing to looking like a chav boy with bling. Harry has gone from wearing simple sweatshirts and old jeans in the muggle world to wearing form-fitting brand-new tees and jackets, and he goes from wearing wizards robes during classes to wearing, by and large, just casual clothes around Hogwarts. There's really no consistency at all, and the directors each make different choices without regard to continuity. Possibly even more bothersome to me in this episode was that Harry, Ron, and Hermione in three different instances looked like they were supposed to be part of the Scooby Squad with Ron wearing the same green-colored top as shaggy, Harry wearing the same bluish-colored top as Fred, and Hermione wearing purple like Daphne. Honestly, it had to be intentional. It was too perfectly done to just be coincidence. Lastly, I didn't care for the rough camera action used in the broomstick flight over London. It was inconsistent with other broomstick scenes in the various movies, but it was also inconsistent with the broomstick scenes just within this episode. It just seemed bad cinematography to me, not for the effect they wanted to create but because it wasn't even consistently done for flying in this one movie. What the heck? I will say that the action sequences where wizards fought were spectacular. The CGI was amazing, and the whole visual concepts were just perfect. This alone was worth watching, really, and made paying the price to watch the movie on the big screen very worthwhile. So the movie was good, although flawed. It could have certainly been screwed up much worse, and my concerns are largely concerns with every part of this movie series, so I'm not likely to see any improvements. Mores the pity. Following the movie I went to Steffen's house for the first get-together in three weeks (and possibly the last for another month before we can all get together again. Steve and Steffen and Mark and Paul and Dakoda, as well as one of Mark's football players for the junior high team he coaches (Cody) were all there for some talking, joking, eating, and arguing. All just another day in the life as far as our get-togethers go, I suppose, and while both Mark and I could have done without the arguments, clearly, it was good to get away from things and have the time to socialize. It makes me anxious for my trip to Lafayette to visit Chris and enjoy myself a bit. But, of course, that's still a week or so away, so I'll have to be patient. For now, though, I'm exhausted and must get sleep since I have to be up quite early tomorrow for my grandma. So goodnight all. Sleep well. Cheers. Posted at 2:57 AM
"Ooops! Your 15.6 seconds of customer service have just run out. "Next!" Posted at 9:27 PM
Worst. Remake. Ever. Posted at 10:14 PM
I was going to write about the frustration of having the power o out again for about four hours last night, but the importance of that paled in comparison to the news I read about this afternoon on the internet. Apparently, announcements were made at the recent ComicCon that Watchmen is once again back in the works as a movie with plans for a release in 2009. I am both trembling with excitement and with dread at the possibilities. The last time Hollywood started fumbling around with making the Watchmen they massacred the perfect storyline into something ridiculous and they proposed completely idiotic choices for actors in the main roles (Arnold Schwarzenneger as Dr. Manhattan, the smartest man in the world? - please ...), and by some miracle4 things fell apart and the movie was never made, thus sparing the world from the worst possible travesty. Now, with a renewed interest due to other successes turning Alan Moore's works from comic form into movies, Hollywood comes back to what was the turning point in modern comics - the rebirth of comics as art and the start of respect for the comic medium as literature - and the addition of great depth in the form of postmodernism and deconstructive symbolism. Watchmen astounded me when it came out, and it honestly still amazes me now if I sit down and reread it. I am seriously psyched about the possibilities of seeing it visually displayed on the big screen, but with the Hollywood track record with epics (and particularly with comic adaptations) I am terrified of how much a movie version could suck. Not only suck, but really, truly stink. And that bothers me immensely because Watchmen is such a perfect story and such a phenomenal visual feast that it is already perfectly developed for scripting and cinematography. It simply needs a production team devoted to making it right. IT can be done, and it stands the chance to be a huge success if they hold true to the graphic novel, but the horrors that could be made instead could ruin it in a million possible different ways. Hollywood has so many comic-to-movie failures that they're due for one that goes right, but honestly it's all up to them. They just have to make what's right there. It's laid out right before them. Posted at 10:24 PM
We had a little guest last night - fairly little anyway. Much like happened on two occasions about this time last year, when very heavy rains fell for a number of days in a row, a bat somehow found a way into the house and proceeded to fly a circuit through the rooms of the first floor, freaking out my grandma and making it complicated to figure out how to get the poor guy outside. Last year the bat (or bats, since it might not have been the same bat both times) was quite a bit smaller. The bat this time was two or three times as big, and I wonder if he's the same bat as last year, just grown up. The bat last year was clearly exhausted when I got close enough to look him over, but this one was in great health and probably hadn't been stuck in the house for long. Just as last year, I have no idea how the poor little guy found his way into the house. I know how he got out, because I closed off various doors throughout the house and opened the front door, making a fairly direct path outside. Unlike the last two times I had to try to usher him in the right direction, he found his way out just about immediately, although I had to close the door quickly as he was heading back to fly right back inside (not that I could blame him, exactly - it was rainy and stormy and nasty out there). We'll have to see if he finds his way back inside again, but so far tonight he's not shown his face (or wings or anything), and the weather has calmed down, and I do now believe that the heavy rains have something to do with his entry into the house, although I'll be damned if I really know quite why. My grandma was, of course, freaked out, even though she was sure it was a bird, even when I made clear that it was a bat. I was able to get the little guy outside quickly enough, but my grandma was all girly about the whole thing and just completely panicked. She calmed down well enough once I had him outside, but then she of course had to regale me with every tale of bats or birds being found in the house from all of the ninety-two years of her life - and believe me, there are not all that many occasions to relate, but she repeats them quite endlessly, again and again and again, so it only seems like she's faced thousands of bats and birds inside the house during her lifetime. But we both made it through "the visitation", and we both came out sane (although she was pushing me to the edge after retelling the same bird-in-the-house story for the umpteenth time). This wasn't much of a story to tell, but I've been so depressed and uninvolved in just about anything for the last month or so that this was something distinct enough to stand out as worth mentioning. You're all surely bored to tears with my worthless Journal entries for the past few weeks, but I honestly try, and after an hour or two of coming up with nothing, I put out the crap you've been reading over the past month or so. Hopefully this is a bit more interesting, and hopefully I can make slightly longer (perhaps better) entries like this on a regular basis, but I don't feel like I can promise anything right now. All I can say is that I'll try, and I hope I can come through for you. Bear with me. It's not always this boring in this Journal. Posted at 10:52 PM
I still prefer my Powerbook since the laptop gives me more flexibility than a desktop Mac and because the Pro line has more power than the consumer iMac/iBook lines, but I have to admit - the new iMac is a thing of beauty, and it's got enough bang for your buck for just about anybody to enjoy. Not that I can afford anything other than what I have right now however ... Posted at 8:02 PM
The world needs perspective. Everyone lost it long ago. Posted at 8:30 PM
Happy birthday, nephew mine. Welcome to the awkward, not-quite-a-teen twelfth year. I hope yours is better than mine was. Posted at 9:36 PM
Too many migraines ... too many aches ... too little sleep ... Things are wrong in so many ways ... Posted at 9:57 PM
It's just not any fun dealing with my grandma's dementia, even if it isn't full-blown or constant yet. It's bad enough now; I hate to think what things will be like even six months from now. Posted at 11:46 PM
Is it just me or does anyone else see the resemblance to the Puppetmaster puppets in the opening sequences of "Robot Chicken"? Posted at 12:07 AM
Four hours doing yardwork today was miserable. A high of 95 degrees and plenty of humidity - and not a cloud in the sky or a breeze to be felt. Damn, it was fucking hot and hellish. And then, after coming inside, drinking lots of water, and getting a shower, I was just starting to relax and watch the last five minutes of a TV show before fixing dinner and - the power went out. No big deal, right? Doesn't happen often, but it happens. It'll be back in no time ... or not. And of course after a while, and after calling the power company, and after feeling the house already heating up in the absence of any air conditioning, and after calming my grandma down about the whole situation, the power still didn't come back. A little over three hours later, just as the last light of day was fading, the power finally came back. It was almost 9 PM, but the power was back. IT's just now, two and a half hours later, getting comfortable on the second floor, and the whole day's events have left me thoroughly exhausted. Let's not do this again, shall we? Posted at 11:32 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © August 2007
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August 31, 2007
