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| message board July 2008
I fight the tears' swell, Posted at 9:48 PM
Migraines and depression - partners in crime. Posted at 9:27 PM
It certainly can't be any worse than life. Posted at 9:32 PM
Why are Mackerel's holy? Why not Cod? Or Tuna? Posted at 11:54 PM
Ugh. Please let me get at least five hours of sleep tonight (and ideally quite a bit more). One idiotic far-too-early morning a week is more than enough. Posted at 9:44 PM
I'm so excited I could plotz. Posted at 9:42 PM
I love LG products, but their catch-phrase, "Life's Good" is a bunch of shit. Posted at 10:28 PM
My head hurts. Posted at 9:35 PM
My apologies to whomever might still be reading this Journal ... You certainly deserve better, and I would honestly like to be putting up more lengthy and (certainly) more interesting entries each day. The simple facts are that the depression that I've had has been like an ocean - with me grasping a life preserver to stay afloat. The fact that my life has become even more boring and uneventful doesn't help either. BY and large the only significant things that happen each day are the frustrating, shocking, or disappointing things my grandmother says and does as her mind becomes more and more distorted and ruined by age. I could write about those things - because there are innumerable stories to tell each day of the issues that come up - but I prefer not to go that route with this Journal partly because it seems like it would be a betrayal of my grandma's privacy and also because writing each thing down each day would just make me live through each thing all the more, and that would just end up amplifying the emotional turmoil I face from each and every thing that I have to face. Any of you loyal (or bored) enough to continue reading this Journal are very appreciated, and I want to make this more worth reading. Unfortunately, I sit in front of my computer each night, thinking of something to write, and I struggle for at least an hour or more each night to come up with something other than an anguished moan or a useless whine that would fail to even begin to express how I feel. Surely nobody logs onto this site to read a repeated "Woe is me", but that is all too often what I feel like. In the end, after an hour or two of sitting before a blank screen, having no idea what to write, I spit out some one-line useless phrase and give up. You deserve better, and I'm sorry, but that's all that I can manage right now - it's all that I've been able to manage for months. I've considered dropping down to just posting once a week or just when I have something to actually say, but I fear all too much that I would just stop posting altogether and never find my way back. As useless as my one-line posts have become, for me they feel like the only way to keep any life at all in my website, and I desperately need to feel like some part of me has life in it - even if it's just a small, faint little spark that struggles to keep going. I wish I could promise you more - both for you and for me - but I can't. All I can ask is that you don't give up on me. I don't know why you haven't already, but those few of you who still come here and read this Journal give me strength to go on - not just here but with everything. Sometimes it seems like you're all I've got, even though I only know you're there because of my site statistics, but it helps me more than seems to really make sense. Thank you, my friends. You give me strength. Posted at 9:56 PM
Oh bother ... Posted at 10:59 PM
Why must so many things in life prove to be so disappointing? Posted at 9:53 PM
No love, no hope. Posted at 9:27 PM
So tired again ... why do I get so tired? Posted at 10:18 PM
Well, at least I had a couple days of sanity. Now my grandma's crazy again - or close enough anyhow. You'd think I'd be getting used to this by now. Posted at 9:42 PM
I really need a seriously long break where I can spend time on my own terms and not on my grandma's - I need a chance to find some personal balance, but as usual, nobody really gives a damn what I need. Posted at 10:30 PM
Anything but reality ... please. Posted at 10:56 PM
Sometimes ... Sometimes there are days of absolutely crushing despair ... where I feel I can hardly breathe, and I feel the pain in my head will cause it to explode if the black hole of a pit in my stomach doesn't rip apart every ounce of my being first. How long can this last? Posted at 10:09 PM
On this Bastille Day it seems appropriate to hail these words - for they are not merely a rally call of French independence and freedom but also core beliefs at the heart of theDreamworld. The Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen of 1789 defined Liberty in Article 4 as follow:
Equality, on the other hand, was defined by the 1789 Declaration as judicial equality (art. 6):
As for "Fraternity", It was alluded to in the 1791 Constitution, as well as in Robespierre's draft Declaration of 1793, as part of a universal extension of the Declaration of Rights:
Viva la France ... and viva laDreamworld. Posted at 10:05 PM
Posted at 12:02 AM
Does anyone really rinse out and reuse each single sheet of paper towels like they show on TV (when they want to suggest how durable they are)? Isn't this completely ridiculous and doesn't it go way beyond treating the viewers like idiots? Posted at 9:54 PM
Why are British boys so consistently cute? Is there something in the water? Posted at 11:29 PM
I love my grandma, but the term "bat-shit crazy" only begins to touch the tip of the iceberg where she's concerned. Getting old is a horrible thing, and various problems come with the territory, but a lot of her problems are really clear psychological disorders. Nothing will ever be done, however, because my grandma refuses to see any problems or blames things on getting old (or blames someone else), and my mother won't listen to any suggestions of seeking professional help. So the sad result is that my grandma mentally suffers and I can do nothing to help, and consequently I suffer as well. But of course that's pretty much par for the course. Posted at 10:22 PM
What the hell is this supposed to mean anyhow? Does it mean winners stink? Or is this like, "I see dead people"? Or is it just bullshit - another one of those literary cliches that mean absolutely nothing but which have gained cultural cache simply from mass repetition? Posted at 10:00 PM
My patience has ended regarding my grandmother's paranoia and pessimism. It's hopeless to continue trying to correct and comfort her baseless assumptions and fears. Much as I've tried to get her to realize that people aren't conspiring against her or hating her or avoiding her, I simply can't get through her delusions. In fact I have to face the fact that she must honestly find some comfort in the agonizing and worrying that she puts herself through, because she is so invested in her insanity that she can't be dissuaded, even with directly contradictory evidence. And although I've made great efforts over the last five years to get her to feel better about things, I'm just exhausted with the wasted effort to go on any longer. It's simply too frustrating and depressing to repeatedly try and fail at something that to me seems so important for her, and I just can't do it any more. For her it will make little difference since she can't be appeased anyhow, but for my own sanity I need to just let it go and leave her to embrace her sad, victimized view of the world. Posted at 9:51 PM
There its no such thing as a free lunch. ... or a good deal. ... or a fair accommodation. Posted at 9:56 PM
I probably have no right telling anybody how to be a better parent, but it's hard to think I'm wrong that telling your 14-year old son that he will never be allowed to live in your house again is completely wrong, even if he can turn to his biological father for a place to live once you've turned him out. And if you turn out your 14-year old and still keep your three young kids - including the autistic 3-year old - and still have the time and patience for two or three at-risk foster kids as well, then there's really no excuse for turning your back on a child who deserves far better. I'm really bothered by this whole thing. I want to help down to the core of my being, but I feel helpless to do the things I think/know will help. I feel so frustrated and sad about this, and I can't get it out of my head. I wish I knew what to do - or more specifically, I wish I had the resources I need to do what I know would be best. Posted at 12:12 AM
I think I have Senioritis - not the kind you get in school as a Senior, where you can't wait to graduate and end up slacking off and/or playing around during your final days - no, this is the Senioritis caused by a crotchety senior citizen that drives her caregiver so crazy that he, to some extent, can't wait until someone else takes over the responsibilities. Posted at 12:16 AM
If only all people everywhere were able to fully enjoy these rights, indiscriminately, then the real world would be tremendously close to the ideals of theDreamworld. Posted at 10:14 PM
I've been reading some comic books Steve loaned me - the Earth X, Universe X, and Paradise X compilations - and while I'm enjoying them quite a bit, they are drying out my hands and my eyes like nothing I can ever remember experiencing before. My eyes are so dry as to be almost painful, and they are definitely distracting and troubling - so tomorrow I plan to take a break from hours of comics consumption. Not that I didn't know it before, but there are always problems of too much of a good thing. Posted at 11:20 PM
Don't take any wooden nickels! ... not that anyone in the past century would do that or, in most cases, even have any idea of what that meant or referred to. Posted at 9:58 PM
Yawn. I'm so tired today? Why today, after nearly a week of dreary rainy days? Posted at 12:02 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © July 2008
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July 31, 2008
