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| message board June 2008
The year is half over, and it gets no better - and sometimes even worse. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy now. I'm out of ideas or hopes of how to escape this chasm, and even those that might be concerned make no attempts at rescue. I gave up hopes of aid some time ago, but now I've faced the fact that nothing I do can free me either. Posted at 10:40 PM
I drove out to Perrysburg to spend some time with Steve, Steffen, and Paul - the first time in three weeks I'd seen any of them. We were all a bit sillier than usual, joking around and trading pop culture references at an even more break-neck pace than usual. It was good, laugh-a-lot fun, though, and the kind of change of pace I've needed for ... well, three weeks. We plan to get together again next Sunday, and hopefully nothing will come up to preclude that. If we could meet once a week I think I'd maintain my sanity better and even be more even-keeled emotionally. As my grandma gets more and more difficult and bizarre mentally, as happens more and more constantly now, she becomes even more of a strain to interact with, and she becomes less of a conversationalist and, sadly, often not even very pleasant to interact with. But I love her, and there are still enough moments when she's all there mentally and is the wonderful loving woman who's meant so much to me through my whole life. So getting a break from her is good for me. It let's me refresh and recharge, and hopefully that will be enough to keep me strong enough to care for her for a good deal more time. Posted at 1:28 AM
What of life but for dreams? Posted at 9:58 PM
So many dreams ... so many very, very good dreams ... and all for naught. Posted at 10:10 PM
I don't know why I'm so idiotic as to believe, time and again, that I can make any headway towards even the slightest bit better life, regardless of how hard I try and struggle and push. I've been doing this since I was a little kid - pretty much as long as I can remember in fact - and I plan and push myself and work and work toward one goal or another and I keep pushing, even with delays or alterations, until it seems like the goal is in reach ... and then it either falls flat or suddenly becomes completely out of reach in any realistic way. Why do I even try? Hell, why do I even set goals in the first place? It might be one thing if this only happened every once in a while. Hell, even if it happened a lot - just so long as there were times that struggling to get ahead worked - then there would be hope and a point in it all. But there's nothing like that. It's all for shit and working hard and doing the right thing won't do shit. I should just give in to the hopelessness of it all and stop trying altogether. Posted at 9:50 PM
As I write to you now I have the pleasure of a fully restored air conditioning system here on the second floor. The new in-wall A/C with a new mounting sleeve is solidly in place and working wonderfully. After a week and a half of surviving moderately warm temperatures (so long as I stayed out of the living room, which would heat up terribly in almost no time), it's a pleasure to have a nice, even temp that's not pushed to be notably cool but is certainly comfortable and not warm or humid. I've been fortunate over the past week or so to have outside temps in the mid-70's with on-and-off rains, but it was still not as comfortable as what I've gotten used to. I've been fortunate, like I say, because the mid-80's temps when this A/C unit died were simply unbearable, and the rest of the A/C system up here simply wasn't strong enough to cool the whole space against that oppressive of a heat. This new unit is a Frigidaire - a good brand for this type of appliance - and is so much more advanced and controllable than the 15+ year old unit it replaced that it's hard to even make a comparison. It is smaller, lighter, can be programmed to cool to a specific temperature, and has other odd features that will probably never find a use such as the timer, the sleep-mode, and the full-functioned remote control. The unit and the sleeve colors are even better as they match almost perfectly with the wall color inside and the siding color outside. After all of the removing and dismounting and new mounting and unboxing and lifting and shoving and such that was required to replace this A/C unit, and after the clean-up following that mess of installation, I was able to enjoy my living room for the first time in quite a while. Watching my TV from my desk chair or my couch and actually being able to use my computer at my desk (rather than watching TV in my bedroom and having my laptop overheat my lap) has been almost a treat. So I've been much more comfortable even though just for a few hours. Now the Summer should be bearable, and now that I have sunlight streaming in during the day I should feel much better mentally (I had to close all of the blinds throughout the second floor to block all sunlight, otherwise it turned the place into a hotbox). It's much better not to be stuck in a stuffy, warm dark cave. Hopefully this will lift me up a bit from the doldrums I've fallen into over the last week. I'm sure it will have at least some effect. Posted at 11:19 PM
What would you see as a miracle? Would anything qualify? Posted at 11:16 PM
Something is coming - bad or good, I couldn't say, but I can feel it's approach. There is change in the wind, and fear may soon outweigh hope. Posted at 11:50 PM
Is it true that all dreams must fade with the harsh light of day? Posted at 10:04 PM
Have you noticed how many products are now advertised for stopping snoring? How did we ever sleep well without these in the preceding millennia of human existence? Posted at 11:32 PM
Why is it that all of the big-time wrestlers - with their spandex shorts - never have any sort of visible bulge where you should expect one? Posted at 10:21 PM
I have no sympathy for hypocrites, liars, or opportunists. They deserve the worst the Fates can deal them for their deeds. Posted at 10:20 PM
My grandmother makes the days more and more tiring as each passes to the next. Posted at 11:20 PM
Can I start over? Can anyone? Posted at 10:33 PM
Peace would be nice. Posted at 10:50 PM
Posted at 10:27 PM
The plot thickens ... Posted at 10:59 PM
Part of the air conditioning system on my floor of the house (the second floor) is not producing cold air, just cycling as a fan and drawing in hot, humid air from outside. I've turned that off, but without it the rest of the second floor's A/C set-up is inadequate. So it's not pleasant here - and won't be until at least Monday, when the HVAC people are scheduled to come look at things. Hopefully they can fix it right then, and hopefully they can make the repairs affordably. I'm not pleased with the idea of having to buy a new in-wall unit to completely replace the one that's not working properly. Is it just me, or does it seem like I'm constantly repairing or replacing electronic appliances and devices in this house? Posted at 11:00 PM
Lies. So many lies. Lies on top of lies surrounding lies. Is that all there is to life? Posted at 11:07 PM
Does anyone really say, "Yippee", or is that just a set of letter-sounds meant to simulate a cheer of exultation, similar to the way, "Achoo" is meant to simulate a sneeze, "Ruff" is meant to simulate a dog's bark, and "Hiccup" is meant to recreate the actual sound made by a hiccup? Or is it just a literary device used by authors for ages to suggest exultation? But let's stick with the baseline question for now: does anyone really say, "Yippee"? Posted at 10:05 PM
So much suffering in the world ... How do we call ourselves civilized? Posted at 10:54 PM
My head hurts. Posted at 11:14 PM
The good news: I was able to get together with Steve and Steffen and Paul and had a great evening joking around and laughing. The bad news: Due to scheduling conflicts, it will be another three weeks again until we can get together. Posted at 1:12 AM
Four/Five/Six/Seven/Eight Posted at 4:05 PM
Does that old adage to "Never eat anything bigger than your head" mean you shouldn't eat watermelon? Posted at 8:52 PM
I'm tired of religious nut-jobs trying to dictate the way I live - and let's be clear here: I mean American religious nut-jobs. There are certainly far too many of these extremists, and I deeply hope that their sanctimonious oppressiveness leads to their downfall. Nothing would be more just than for the extremists to have Americans turn a deaf ear not only to the extremists' messages but to treat all religious observances with a grain of salt as well. Just as religion lost power and voice in Europe after 'righteous' extremism in the 1600's-1800's, so it is likely to lose social and political power here in America two centuries later. Posted at 8:58 PM
How am I supposed to do this 24-hours a day, every day? It's really too much to ask of one person. Posted at 10:43 PM
It's hard to believe that TV can be even more of a wasteland than usual, but it's happened. There are hundreds of channels broadcasting every hour of the day and there's absolutely nothing worth watching, even with all of TV and movie history - as well as all of human history - to draw from. The vastness of the wasteland is beyond comprehension. Posted at 10:20 PM
You are very sleepy ... Sleeeeepy ... Posted at 11:16 PM
For the first time in a month Steve, Steffen, Paul, and I got together at Steffen's for dinner and conversation and joking. It was a huge relief to socialize with somebody, and it was honestly great to have an evening away from my grandma and the ever-increasingly stressful situations I face with her. It seems like so much has happened with each of my friends since we last talked, and it was great to finally get back together and talk about what's been happening with them and their families. I really didn't want to leave, and Steve and I talked for another hour in Steffen's driveway before finally leaving, but since I was getting tired and it was well after Midnight, I said my goodbye and got going on the hour-and-a-half trip back to Sandusky. And of course here I am now, settled in and ready for some sleep before getting up early tomorrow to make sure my grandma's okay and safe and getting going. It's back to work in the morning (and I do now thing of caring for my grandma as totally work), and it's all too soon, but tonight's break was long overdue and well received. I just hope we don't go another whole month before we get back together again. Hopefully we can meet up again next Sunday evening, barring unforeseen complications. Posted at 2:05 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © June 2008
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June 30, 2008
