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Some days it's hard to suffer living for even a single second. Posted at 10:14 PM
It's been over a month since I last got together with Steve and the guys in Toledo. Different things have kept getting in the way for one or another of us, and as it turns out we still didn't have Mark or Dakoda with us tonight since they're both busy with a number of other things right now. Steve and I and Steffen and Paul got together, though, and Steffen's friend Jeff joined us for the first time. He was quiet most of the evening, but he's a likable sort, and I think we'll see more of him at our weekly get-togethers. In completely unrelated news, my grandmother took some cookies that she'd stored in the freezer and decided she'd defrost them in the microwave. Usually she would just let them thaw for a few hours, but today that was not the case. She "tried" to defrost them, and I somehow doubt that she actually even used the defrost setting properly at all. The end result, in any case, was burned cookies which - let me assure you - are the nastiest, stinkiest things in the world, and the smell has rapidly permeated every square inch of the house. I had hoped the smell would dissipate with time, but she burned them around Noon, and it's well after 1 AM now, and the stench is horrible. Even though it's still quite cold out, I may just have to open some windows tomorrow to air the house out. Otherwise I may be nauseous most of the day. So today was a change of pace in a good way and a bad way. Any change of pace is usually welcomed any more, but this burning cookie thing has certainly made me wonder whether I really want change or not. I might think more deeply about it as I wind down before going to sleep, but all I can honestly think of right now is that damn smell. It's really overwhelming. Posted at 1:27 AM
I could use a miracle. ... but of course who couldn't? Posted at 9:23 PM
Posted at 11:54 PM
Why is sleep so elusive these past few months? Posted at 11:07 PM
My grandma's losing her mind and driving me crazy as a result. She is sure she's done things that she only thought about but didn't do at all; she is sure things were said to her that she simply created out of nothing but baseless assumptions; she hears or reads two words out of a whole news segment or a whole paragraph of an article and constructs a scenario around just those two words out of context; ... and there are so many other variations of these things that I shudder to even think about it. She may be losing her mind, but I'll be the one in the asylum first - just watch. Posted at 11:13 PM
I hate liars and hypocrites. Take note: these people are never to be trusted - ever. Posted at 11:01 PM
I survived another visit with my sister. We didn't have any open conflicts, surprisingly, and I was as pleasant as I could be, even though that has left me feeling a bit slimy. I feel like I was lying the whole time she was here to try and be pleasant, but I refused to be the one to "ruin Easter", so I kept calm. My niece and nephew warmed up to me somewhat, but only the afternoon before they left, which is par for the course. I only see them twice a year, and they always seem to be a bit standoffish for the first couple of days before they relax. I don't know if my sister badmouths me to them during the rest of the year or if they just don't remember me much since they see me so rarely. I enjoy spending time with both of them, and I'd love to be closer, but I remember how I felt about the relatives I saw once a year for a day or two (or less) and how alien they seemed to me. I can understand why my niece and nephew would hold back a bit, but it's still disappointing nonetheless. So they're gone until the 4th of July weekend. My sister insanely wants to go to Cedar Point Amusement Park and Kalahari Indoor Waterpark on that weekend, and there isn't probably a worse time to go either place. The parks will all be packed, the lines will stretch out forever, and there won;'t even be any place to sit when you want to eat. On top of that my discomfort in large crowds will undoubtedly come into play with so many people closely together, and I don't know how bad to expect the panic attacks to get. One way or another, I don't look forward to this experience. But for now they're gone, and I have my hands full enough with my grandma and her rapidly deteriorating mind. There's never a dull moment around here, and that's really not a good thing. Posted at 9:56 PM
I'm getting tired of being tired ... and tired of a bunch of other stuff, too. Many things I'm stuck with - like them or not. Some things, however, I could just drop, quit, leave, ... whatever. I make great efforts not to give up or leave anything without fully trying to see it through 'til the end (come what may, good or bad). But I'm so very tired and so very frustrated. What's a guy to do? Posted at 9:34 PM
I need:
But ... Well, I've certainly lived with less before. Posted at 9:42 PM
My sister has arrived for her annual Easter visit. Somebody lend me the necessary fortitude. Posted at 10:48 PM
Stop the insanity. Posted at 11:06 PM
Fuck, man - it just sucks to pass forty. Today would have sucked enough had it been just any other day, but here I am turned forty-one and a sucky life to show for it. Suck suckity-suck suck suck. Posted at 10:59 PM
Do you suppose if rent boys had marketing companies promoting them that we'd have ads like:
I can see it. Really. Posted at 1:01 AM
Green with NV? What's Nevada have to do with anything? Posted at 10:22 PM
Oh well. Who wants a house in the Florida Keys anyhow? You'd pretty much just be waiting for the hurricane damage with each passing day. Posted at 10:39 PM
Ah, might Caesar. You suffered the cutting blows of your friends and comrades and saw them stand by as your life's blood trickled away. I've been there - figuratively at least. I've faced the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune as well, to borrow from Shakespeare. But at least you had a warning, mighty Caesar. You were warned to "Beware the Ides," and yet you disregarded the danger. Would that I had been so lucky. Maybe I, too, would have disregarded any warnings, taken them as so much nonsense. Why should I expect that I'd be any better than you, had I been given the any hint of my fate and a chance to avoid it? Why suppose that I wouldn't have made the wrong choice of the options presented, just as I always do, just because I was so desperate to believe that it didn't have to all be this way? I salute your memory, mighty Caesar. I envy you your time-honored accomplishments, and I envy you your peaceful rest. Hail Caesar! Your like has not been seen again. Hail Caesar! You were a far better man than I. Posted at 8:22 PM
Happy pi day. <Eat that, bitches!> Posted at 10:36 PM
I need sleep so, so badly. Posted at 9:31 PM
Evil does exist. Posted at 8:36 PM
No more. Please ... no more. Posted at 9:10 PM
If things are darkest before the dawn, how long will this damn night last? Posted at 9:21PM
I had a Journal entry of decent length for today, but as is typical of my existence, it fucked up and exists no more, and I'm really just in too much pain and aching too much to try to reconstruct it in any fashion. It was just about my life anyway, so how important could it be? Posted at 10:04 PM
Its just like the day I found out. It never gets any easier. It never gets any more bearable. Posted at 8:53 PM
Fourteen years ago today, my dear, sweet, lovable, wonderful Ken died. Fourteen years ago he died, and enough of me died with him that I've never recovered. I feel his loss every day, and I think of him constantly, but the few weeks surrounding this anniversary are always by far the worst. I feel at my lowest, my most miserable, and I can't stop thinking, "Why? Why? Why?" Every waking moment during the last few days has been miserable, and the world around me has echoed and intensified my sadness and desperation. Even more than normal, it has seemed over the last few days that the universe has done everything it can to shit on me, and it has certainly been successful. ... I can't do this alone. I don't know how it is that I haven't gone completely insane. I can't bear him being gone. I miss him so, so much. How can I go on without him? And why should I try? Posted at 9:40 PM
Explain to me exactly how Hell is supposed to be somehow worse than the world we live in right now. Posted at 8:50 PM
No sleepy = no thinky. Posted at 12:05 AM
Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons, died today. It would be impossible to estimate the full magnitude of the effect this man and his creations had on my life. His game concept opened my imagination to new possibilities; it drew my interests into areas I never would have cared about otherwise (e.g. learning how a catapult works or wondering why the unsophisticated barbarian hordes of Europe and Asia were so much more successful than the advanced cultures they conquered, etc.); it gave me an outlet for my feelings of frustration and victimhood and impotence during my childhood; and it helped me develop social skills and expanded my circle of friends and acquaintances (then and now) in ways that nothing else could have done because of my shyness, my social anxiety, and my inherent distrust of people. Gary Gygax's creation - and all of the role-playing games that succeeded it and drew upon it and built upon it - have brought more joy and more emotional release and more camaraderie and more enduring friendships and cherished successes than anything else in my life. That's really sad at face value - but the truth is that without D&D I would be a very introverted, sheltered, angry person, probably someone like the Unibomber or some other isolated nut-job. That could easily be me, I kid you not. I have faced ridicule and scorn from everyone in my family and from a number of other people throughout my life for playing D&D, and none of them took even a moment to try to understand the game or try to see what it meant to me and what it offered to me. That's not really surprising if you know my family - they'd much rather point fingers and say nasty things and treat you like shit based on completely baseless and ludicrous assumptions rather than try to look for any facts or background at all, but their scorn towards D&D frustrated me more than any other thing they derided because it was as though they were attacking a part of me or a loved one - and D&D was indeed like that - a part of me and a loved thing. For all he gave to me and for all he gave to so many millions of others, I offer my sincere thanks to E. Gary Gygax and commend his spirit to whatever gods and powers that watch over him now that he has passed from the Material Plane. Safe travels, good soul ... safe travels.
Posted at 8:33 PM
Am I too damaged now to ever be a whole person ... to ever be lovable? Has too much already been lost ... too much damage already done? Posted at 7:56 PM
I'm empty ... in so many ways. Posted at 9:59 PM
Well ... a relaxing, lay-around Saturday would have been nice ... Oh well ... Posted at 8:45 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © March 2008
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March 31, 2008
