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| message board September 2008
... and another month turns to dust - all while I continue to run around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to find a way to keep living while the end is not only imminent but closing in at the speed of light. Posted at 9:23 PM
The further along things get, the less certain they become. How is that even possible? Posted at 8:59 PM
Yeah, well, it's not that simple, okay? Posted at 11:30 PM
My grandmother turned 94 years old today. Can you believe it? She's still going strong, too, and could easily live another ten to twenty years if she takes care of herself and is cared for well by her family (which hopefully will be the case once my mother takes her away from this house, her home for the better part of her life). It's been a good day for her, although she's been tired. I'm glad she's had so many calls, cards, and gifts to show her how much she is loved. Posted at 12:15 AM
Is there any use for the traditional media anymore at all? If they won't check facts, won't be impartial, and won't present important stories without being pushed by a public that is better informed by bloggers, then there really is no use for them at all. Listen up, mainstream media! Do your job or close up shop. We have no more use for your inept, biased coverage of world events, and we will accept nothing less than the standards set my Edward R. Murrow. Posted at 9:03 PM
Must get sleep some day soon ... Posted at 8:44 PM
Stress = bad. I've got lots of stress. Posted at 10:30 PM
All this running around trying to keep myself from being homeless is tiring ... and sadly it's also so far quite hopeless. This is all very depressing. Posted at 11:28 PM
I'm falling asleep standing up. Who'd have guessed that was possible for non-narcoleptics?
This is all going to be even worse than I expect, isn't it? Posted at 11:59 PM
There are either not enough hours in the day or far too many things to try to get done. Either way, I'm struggling to get things accomplished and a lot of things - too many things - are getting pushed back in the process. This looks like it will be a busy week, but hopefully I can keep up fairly well, and hopefully it will pay off. That may or may not mean that the coming weeks will be a little less rushed, stressed, and overflowing, but I kind of doubt that. Somehow I feel that things are going to be crazy at least until early December, and considering how rushed and crazy Decembers have typically been here while taking care of my grandma, I rather doubt that too, meaning that I won't probably get any rest until the new year starts - and then I'll have to pack, find a job and a place to live, and move - all in a week or so. Wheeeeee!!!! Posted at 11:28 PM
On International Talk Like Pirate Day I'm thinking that there must have been gay pirates. I mean really; think about it. If I were a gay pirate I'd always be looking for a matey, - someone with the kind of booty you can't take your eyes off of - someone who could shiver me timber ... errr ... timbers - someone who'd make me walk his plank ... errr ... the plank - someone who'd pillage and plunder me ... I mean with me - and maybe even someone who knew Davy Jones was the lead singer for the Monkees. A pirate can dream, can't he? Aye. And where better to dream of your perfect matey than in theDreamworld with theDreamer? Posted at 9:44 PM
My mother turned 65 today, but it's me that feels the weight of my age crushing me, making me wish the end would come quickly, saving me a lot more stress, heartache, and pain and suffering. ... Of course the universe never moves remotely in the direction of what I wish, so I fully expect lots of suffering in the days to come. That's pretty much all I've been able to see in my future during this past week, and it makes me truly wonder why I'm even trying to find ways to make things work when I know full well that nothing I do can ever possibly go in my favor. Posted at 11:38 PM
I wish I had the time to handle one major project before the next, rather than trying to juggle them all simultaneously and try to produce any decent results. There's so many different things I have to get done in under three months that I don't have the luxury of working on things one at a time, consecutively. It's making it quite complicated and frustrating to manage more than a half dozen major projects while simultaneously still doing the more-than-full-time job of caregiving for my grandmother. I'm having all-time record migraines and stress-related muscle tension for the past few weeks, and there's nothing I can do about any of it except piss and moan here in this Journal, which in the end doesn't really help me in even the slightest way. Posted at 9:09PM
The sun is a mass of incandescent gas, Posted at 10:48 PM
This migraine sponsored by Energizer batteries. It keeps going and going and going ...
If there is a god, he's sadistic and capricious. Thanks for nothing, God. Posted at 8:47 PM
Head ... exploding ... in ... slow motion ... Posted at 11:04 PM
No hope. Posted at 10:00 PM
Would you have the Baals? Posted at 11:56 PM
I don't want to think any more. Posted at 9:42 PM
I got a look at the expanded and remodeled Firelands Hospital here in Sandusky today when I took my grandma to the hospital for some tests. It is really quite magnificent and beautiful inside and out, but the level of opulence is so extreme that it clearly isn't even attempting to hide how much the health care industry is raping the American people and making huge, huge profits that are only exceeded by the oil companies. It's outrageous to think of how many people can't even afford basic health care (me included in that group), and to compare that basic human need to the overspending inherent in this hospital - a hospital which is just the local version of every hospital in every city across the country. This is truly disappointing. Posted at 8:14 PM
Too .. Much .. Too .. Much .. Too .. Much .. Posted at 10:12 PM
Even the simplest things won't go right. I'm not sure there's any point in trying at all. Posted at 12:41 AM
Searching for a box to live in is long and tiring work. I can think of many better ways to spend a Saturday. Posted at 11:28 PM
One week in and I feel no less anxious. I shouldn't expect to pull things together out of thin air in just a week, but I desperately need some sign that there's any chances at all. It's getting harder and harder not to just completely shut down under the crushing depression. Posted at 10:34 PM
It's true there are no guarantees in life, but having everything in your left be uncertain and unstable is not what most people have to deal with. Posted at 9:41 PM
I'm thinking out of the box and actually coming up with inspired, if odd and extreme, ideas. Sadly, however, I'm not sure that any of these ideas will prove helpful or even possible in my situation. But it's better than giving up ... so I'm doing slightly better today than yesterday. Posted at 10:59 PM
The future is grim. Posted at 9:39 PM
I can't sleep. My migraines, which were constant throughout each day for the past month, have stepped up their intensity. I ache. And the adrenaline I had on Saturday to act upon my crisis and try to find solutions has completely worn off and I feel lost and alone and hopeless beyond belief. I'm struggling to work on all of the things I need to do in the next three to four months (much of which I detailed into checklists on Saturday to break down all of the myriad issues I have to resolve and solve in short order), but what efforts I've been able to make at things have been minimal and quite disappointing. I suppose I should be pleased that I've gotten anything done at all, considering I have constantly wanted to just lay down and curl up and sleep all day, but it's little consolation considering I have so much to do in so little time. Instead of struggling I should just relax and try to do whatever I can to enjoy myself as much as possible before the end of the year - even to extremes - and then just kill myself or let somebody else do it once I find myself living on the streets. That's where I'll end up soon enough anyhow, so why not just accept it and try to have a last couple months to try to put my affairs in order, take care of the people in my life who deserve it, and find some small amount of peace for myself before the end. I'm oh so very, very tired. So terribly, terribly tired. Posted at 9:27 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © September 2008
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September 30, 2008
