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| message board August 2010
And the migraine rages. Posted at 5:51 PM
I received the most rewarding e.mail today from a long-time reader of this website, my poems and poetry. Thank you, Adam. You made me feel special today, and you've given me great happiness. Thank you. Posted at 10:57 PM
It's getting bad when my grandma has trouble understanding what a chair is, which is left and right, which hands stand for what on the clock, and how to flush the toilet - all simple things; all things she's known and used her whole ninety-five years of life; yet here we are. It's truly sad to see her deteriorating this far, and it certainly causes moments of frustration - for her as well as for me - but there's no stopping things now that her mind is breaking down. It's just not something you want to witness. Posted at 3:08 PM
Why are power tools "bad boys"? You know - "I'd love to have one of those bad boys!" - or - "Can you imagine what one of those bad boys could do?" Are power tools "bad" the same way that Michael Jackson was? Or are they "Bad" like Osama Bin Laden? Or are they "bad" like a romantic hoodlum like Pony Bin from the Outsiders or James Dean in Rebel Without a Cause? Someone really needs to clear this up. Posted at 12:54 PM
I had an almost decent amount of sleep last night, but that was followed by a crazy, rushed, run-around morning and early afternoon taking care of my grandma before things came together and I could settle a little. Now I feel exhausted all over again. Hopefully I can get another couple nights of at least half-way decent sleep. That would help, I think. It certainly couldn't hurt. Posted at 6:02 PM
I need twenty-three vacations. Long vacations. All in a row. NOW! Posted at 7:03 PM
Why can't she have become more physically feeble first, not more mentally feeble? She's be a hell of a lot easier to care for if she were bed-ridden or at least somehow less ambulatory (which is an odd thing to say considering how poorly she gets around at all, but still - she causes much more trouble for herself (and me) with her addled mind and the ability to wander mindlessly. Posted at 5:47 PM
Demons! Begone! Nope. My grandma's still senile. Posted at 10:01 PM
I wish there were more Babylon 5 coming out as was once promised. : ( Posted at 7:22 PM
The only thing keeping me awake now is the migraine. I'm so fucking tired, but my head just pounds so fucking much. I just about fall asleep in front of my computer but my head throbs and a sway around and ache and moan. Let's all remember that my sister believes this is all just a scam for me to take advantage of my grand a and live an easy life. Right! Posted at 5:32 PM
Ugh! This migraine is crippling. I just want to lay in bed with the door closed and things dark and quiet. ... and yet I have to go check on my grandma every fifteen minutes or so and try to get her to eat meals and clean up and move around, all while she spews the crazy imaginings that she's dreamed and assumed - all of which are not at all within the realms of reality. And the migraine grows and grows ... Posted at 9:28 PM
When did a simple hair appointment for my grandma turn into a draining all-day event? Posted at 6:05 PM
Where's Waldo? Posted at 5:43 PM
Does she completely cause the migraines or just add to their extremity? Who knows! My grandma is killing me by degrees. Believe it. Posted at 8:00 PM
Any job I have after this is going to seem slow and easygoing, with short hours, decent pay, and people that are enjoyable to work with. Of course working in a sweat shop for pennies while you're whipped by sadists would probably seem like an improvement, too. It's not easy to have high standards anymore ... Posted at 7:41 PM
It's been a strange day. My grandma - who can no longer usefully tell time or understand when it's night or day (even faced with sunlight or darkness) has been sleeping even less than usual, leaving her nearly exhausted and weak and mentally a basket case. I've been trying a variety of things to get her to sleep more during the night or to sit down long enough to fall asleep during the day. She outright refuses naps, and they aren't as restful as a real proper sleep, but they might help, but still - no go. Today, though, I got her up and going for breakfast and to take her pills, and then I got her to go back to bed. It took until almost 12:30 with the bathroom time and everything, but I did get her in bed and she fell right asleep and slept through til seven when I woke her and got her up for dinner. Following dinner and more bathroom time, I just finished getting her back into bed, and hopefully she will sleep through most or all of the night. Between this afternoon and tonight it might make up for the past month's worth of minimal rest every night. Hopefully. We'll see tomorrow if she stays in bed all night, and - if so - whether it makes up for lost sleep. I'm hoping to see her in slightly better shape if she's well rested, but I don't know whether that will really be the case or not. I do hope so, though. We'll see tomorrow. Posted at 10:52 PM
So much for a relaxing weekend ... (Will I ever get enough sleep again?) Posted at 10:09 PM
I'm very tired. Taking care of my grandma is becoming like taking care of an infant in just about every way (except that the infant would be easier to pick up and carry around). I'm no more enamored by this kind of care than I have always been about caring for babies. This is very frustrating. I am still committed to this, but I need sleep if I'm to survive. Somehow that needs to happen. Posted at 6:51 PM
EVERY DAY is Friday the 13th here. Posted at 9:24 PM
There just isn't ever going to be anything good coming from this is there? Posted at 8:25 PM
Another crazy day at the insane asylum ... Posted at 6:56 PM
Taking my grandma to an appointment with the eye doctor took all day and was constantly stressful and constantly unclear whether I'd be able to get things done by the necessary, appointed times, but it all did come together and get done, and that marks success, no matter how hard-fought the struggle. As long as the appointments are far enough apart ... then ... I'm okay with that. Posted at 9:05 PM
My grandma's mind is slipping further and further, largely from having too little sleep (which would seem easy to remedy but instead is proving almost impossible to correct) but clearly also just from further aging and breakdown of her synapses. I hate to see it - even while I'm glad she's not completely senile and just a babbling mess - and I think things are going to continue to get worse and worse at an accelerated pace. This doesn't bode well for how well I can care for her. I refuse to give up until I have to do so, but things are tough and getting worse. I wish I at least had some idea what to expect over the next year or two rather than not really knowing day to day what to expect. That instability is quite stressful just in itself. Not that I'm really all that thrilled about living in the first place, but I certainly hope I die well before my mind starts to fall apart like my grandma's has. Posted at 10:34 PM
The real question is: Which will go first, my sanity, my hesitancy to suicide, or my self-control? Posted at 6:47 PM
I did something to my left knee and now it bothers me sometimes when I climb the stairs (which I do a lot considering I live on the second floor and need to go down to the first floor every 15 - 30minutes to check on my grandma throughout the day. Getting old is definitely no fun (and being overweight is no source of joy either). Posted at 10:26 PM
... and hey! Why not make up stories (lies) about everybody around you - the more you see them, the more outlandish and insensitive the comments will be. No basis in fact? No problem. Welcome to my grandmother yet again, and just wait until she really gets to know you - she'll make up even more bizarre stories about you! Posted at 8:28 PM
... and hey! Why sleep at all or take naps or even sit down when you can just wander around poking around at stuff an exhausting yourself so much that you can't even sit up straight? Tired and aching in every part of your body? No problem. Welcome to my grandmother again, this time after nearly two weeks without proper sleep, rest, or even sitting down, no matter how much I or the rest of the family try. It can only get worse. Posted at 8:26 PM
... and hey! Why make any sense at all or listen to people who are helping you when you can just make shit up from the furthest depths of your imagination. No basis in fact? No problem. Welcome to my grandmother's mind, and without for the pitfalls ahead. It only gets more perilous and outrageous the further you go. Posted at 10:44 PM
What would you do for a Klondike bar? Posted at 9:21 PM
I finally saw Wall-E today on a free video-on-demand offer from Amazon (although their streaming rental price of $1.99 wouldn't have been outrageous if I'd had to pay for it, I suppose, but I've restrained myself from renting videos or getting a Netflix account because it would just be money spent that isn't really justifiable in my current economic hell). Wall-E was beautifully done both artistically and emotionally. Pixar continues to amaze me. They were able to display the true depths of humanity and largely with a variety of servant robots that clearly aren't programmed to feel, even though they learn to. HEck, even the humans in the movie are inhuman until they are touched, one by one, by Wall-E and then realize they don't want to just sit back and let the robots do everything - they want to really live. The romance between Wall-E and Eve is adorable and a part of the display of both robots' humanity, but all of the other things, no matter how small the gesture, are what bring forth the real depth and fullness of what it means to be alive an to be good, true, and honorable. A special nod also to Wall-E finishing his charging cycle with the start-up chime of a Mac. The iPod that's seen hooked up in Wall-E's 'home' is also a nice touch. Good job, guys. I do miss seeing movies more often. Posted at 7:04 PM
My sister, nephew, and niece left for home this morning. It was, as usual, nice to see them, but I got little face-time and less interaction than I'd like. I know that teenagers aren't open and communicative, and I am happy with the exchanges I did have over the past week, but I long for more. I only see them for less than two weeks total for the whole year, and I get more information from one e.mail from one of my overseas friends than I do from those whole two weeks from both my nephew and niece combined. I may be part of the problem since I don't force interaction or force them to talk to me. I remember as a kid feeling the most awkward when I was forced to answer the sterile questions of relatives I only saw once a year ("How is school?", "Do you have a girlfriend?", "What do you want to be when you grow up?). I much more enjoyed and got into my uncle Roger's and my uncle Tinker's questions or comments about something we were doing at the time or their questions about something I'd already commented about. I've hoped to have more of that and less forced conversation with my nephew and niece, but the result is often just a lot of silence. I've never been good at making new friends or striking up conversations - I can talk your head off once I'm comfortable with you and know our shared interests and know what to expect of you, but until I get to that point of familiarity and comfort it's very difficult for me to bridge that gap. Hunter an Christa are much more open and communicative than I ever was (or than I am now), but there's still a communications gap between us. And of course I'm stuck here in the house caring for my grandma while they go out to one place or another, so I'm largely out of sight and out of mind during the more exciting or interesting parts of their visits. I get all that ... but I don't have to like it.
Journal, by Paul Cales, © August 2010
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