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| message board September 2010
A busy day and a worsening migraine. Recipe for disaster? No. But still not fun. Posted at 6:00 PM
I hate waking up repeatedly during the night. It makes me even more exhausted than usual, and that's saying something. Posted at 6:20 PM
My mom came into town Sunday night so she could be here for my grandma's birthday yesterday. Tonight, friends of hers from down the street took us to dinner at Olive Garden. The food, as has always been the case when I east there, was wonderful and filling, but the conversation was odd. I've never been one to get comfortable with new people until after quite some time, but I can't remember the last time I felt more awkward and 'outside' of a conversation in many years. I remain grateful for the meal, but I'm truly puzzled as to why I was even invited, all things considered. Posted at 9:35 PM
Happy 96th birthday, grandma. We'll have you back home soon. Posted at 8:34 PM
Head all 'splodey. Pain much. Agh! Make stop. Posted at 5:35 PM
When did I turn into an old man? Posted at 9:48 PM
So very tired again. Not as achy, on the plus side, but very tired. I really need to get more sleep. Posted at 10:43 PM
So much pain. My migraine is killing me; my back aches; my arms feel like rubber AND ache. Why do I EVER do yard work? Why? Posted at 6:05 PM
Well, at least I can still move. That's about as much as I can say for my recovery from yesterday's yardwork. Hoo-rah. Posted at 8:02 PM
Hours of yardwork at a rapid pace, all in hot direct sun, results in sunburn, dehydration, and PAIN! AS if I didn't hate yard work enough on its own ... Posted at 11:11 PM
Migraine, depression, sleeplessness, achiness, caring for a whacked out senile woman, having someone you don't like calling you incessantly - if I had ways to measure each of these things I could without a doubt write a recipe for suicide. Where'd I leave those measuring cups anyhow? Posted at 8:24 PM
How do I live without you, Ken? You are all I think of today, and I cannot bear it. What point is there without you? What purpose whatsoever? Who to even care? I miss you, my love, aching with all my soul. How can I stand this? Posted at 3:27 PM
This has to be the worst enduring migraine I've ever had. It won't go away, and the days it surges worse are truly unpleasant (that includes today). I have endured a lot of things in my life, pain not least among them, but this is truly wearing me out going on and on, day after day like this. An end to the pain would be nice, thank you. Posted at 9:03 PM
I love my grandma, but the days of overwhelmingly complete senility are sometimes too much to handle. Today was just such a day. The migraine that won't die (five weeks and still going strong) wa worse today but tolerable with medication. That was until I'd spent an hour with my grandma ... It's upsetting that it has to be this way. My grandma had done very well in physical therapy, actually walking about 30 feet (even if supported the whole way), and she looks and acts healthy and seems to be happy at the center, not exhibiting the home-sickness that often troubles her. At the same time, however, she was unrelenting about retelling things that had not (and could not) have happened to her that morning and completely ignoring anything I or the nurses were saying in favor of repeatedly trying to get up and go to the bathroom (even though she had just gone to the bathroom as I came in). She obviously couldn't remember going - and that would be fine - but she would listen to the nurse and me explain that she had just gone, nod her head, and state again that she was going to go to the bathroom within ten seconds - and that's when she'd even listen to the nurse or me or even show any signs she could hear us. This distracted nature isn't new, but today the effort to help her understand that she had just gone to the bathroom - and to even get her to listen to anything I had to say - was not only an effort of futility but also more than my system could take, tripping a stronger migraine that burst past any help from my medication and just kept up a massive pounding that was unbearable. I finally just had to say goodbye and leave, and hour and a half before I had planned to go. I just had to get away. It was outrageously painful. Unfortunately the pain has stayed as more than my medication can calm, although it has lessened from how horrible it was when I was with my grandma. It's still been an overall unpleasant day, and on top of that I feel bad for cutting short my time with my grandma. I didn't go back this afternoon either. I just couldn't bear the idea. I'll force myself to go tomorrow, and hopefully things will be better in my head by then, but I'm certainly hoping tomorrow will hold less of the senility. It's rough to deal with when it's at its worst. Posted at 8:04 PM
Who needs to do a rain dance. Just find out the day I'm planning to work on the yard and **BAM** instant rain and storm. Posted at 8:04 PM
I'm feeling slightly better today. The everlasting migraine I've had for a month is still unwilling to let go, but for the first time in days it's allowing itself to be quiet if I take migraine aspirin throughout the day (even at maximum does in past days this has not been the case). My right arm - which I strained on Monday with a one-handed lift of my grandma's wheelchair - is also feeling better. It's not totally healed up, but it is tremendously better than either of the past two days, and not too far from normal. And in general I feel okay, not fuzzy or achy or trembly with the need for sleep and the strain of stress and overwork. I could still feel better - and I hope I will in days to come - but this is a huge improvement after far too long of just plain feeling bad. So I'll take better if I can't get "as good as ever". Hopefully things might still get better. That would be even better yet. Posted at 5:48 PM
... just looking around for that turn in fortunes ... just a bit of a tick of good luck to make up for all the bad shit that's flowed in over the last week and a half ... ... any minute now ... Posted at 2:25 PM
Now I learn - from my neighbor and his roofing guys - that a section of the roof is not properly finished. After all I went through with the roof repairs, all the delays and frustrations, I have to still have more yet to be done. Will this never end? It's not as if I don't have enough to be busy with right now anyhow. It's unbelievable that I should still be dealing with the roof. Posted at 8:41 PM
So tired. You'd think having my grandma being cared for by other people would give me a break, but the time I spend with her is significant and draining. And the stress even when I'm back in the house and free to 'rest' is truly exhausting. I need a few good nights of sleep - which will not start tomorrow since I need to be up early to make sure I'm at the rehab facility in time for my grandma's breakfast and following physical therapy. Please, somebody tell em I'll eventually be able to sleep. Posted at 7:34 PM
My grandma was worse today than she's been since Tuesday. This is truly very stressful. I wish there were a bit more constancy to her condition. These ups and downs are killing me. Posted at 6:45 PM
Today we moved my grandma to a rehab facility for physical therapy to try to get her standing and walking okay again so she can come home. The move from the hospital tired her out a lot, and she's as bad as ever as far as being able to stand, but the most disconcerting thing is that she is much more agitated about not being able to go home. She's mentioned on and off that she wants to go home, but she has understood (when it's explained to her) that she needed tests done and then needed therapy to be able to walk again before returning home. Today she wouldn't take any of that in. Hopefully it was just being tired, because not wanting to be there would be very counterproductive to what is clearly going to be a lot of physical therapy. I can only hope that this works out better than I fear it will. Posted at 8:37 PM
There's just no way to tell what to expect. She's looking and speaking well one day then horrible the next; good in the morning and afternoon, then falls off a cliff within minutes for the rest of the evening. It's hard to get a grip on whether my grandma's getting any better or not. Posted at 10:00 PM
Today was a better day for my grandma in most ways, and my mom arrived this evening to be here for my grandma (which made them both quite happy). We may even find out from the doctors tomorrow morning where we go from here (although it seems almost certain that the only plan os to send my grandma to a secondary facility for physical therapy to try to get her walking again, probably even as soon as tomorrow afternoon. The bottom line is that we should know tomorrow where things go from here. I'm feeling much more stressed and exhausted from all of this than I would have expected, so I'm ready for some clarity and some sense of moving forward. Hopefully tomorrow will take good steps in the right direction. Posted at 11:26 PM
I'm certainly not qualified to make any sort of diagnosis, and it's only been two days in the hospital and hardly enough to make any judgments, but it's hard not to be concerned and even upset that my grandma is continuing to have problems speaking or moving , even though she had seemed much better for more than the first half of the day yesterday. That improvement held such promise and then today has just gone from bad to worse. And while she still hasn't returned to quite fully as bad as she was when I called the paramedics Sunday night, she was frightening close to that bad at dinner tonight. I don't know what to expect from any of this. I'm worried about her, and I don't know what to expect for her future. And although I'm not really worrying about it now, I also know - in the back of my mind - that my own future is directly tied into hers, and how she recovers will dictate where my life goes from here. I hate feeling helpless, not knowing what to expect, what to do, or what to plan. It was bad enough only being able to plan a few days into the future, and now it seems like I can barely plan more than a few hours into the day. It's quite difficult to cope with. Posted at 10:49 PM
Well, my grandma had a mild stroke last evening. I could go into details about what made me call for an ambulance and so forth, what tests were run, how interminably long we were stuck in the ER, how long it took even once moved to a room, how little sleep I've had, what various test have shown, and how little anyone really seems to be able to say for sure, but the important thing is that my grandmother spent the night in the hospital, will spend tonight as well, and after being seen by a few specialists tomorrow may stay yet another day (or two) in the hospital before likely going to the South Campus of Firelands Hospital for rehabilitation therapy to (hopefully) get her back to walking fairly well using her walker (which isn't happening now since she's having trouble even standing with people holding her. That rehab will be (I'm told) at least a week and perhaps two or three or more weeks, depending on how much work needs to be done to get my grandmother mobile again. All of this means a very big change in my life once again. On the positive side, I have high hopes that I can make up for the lack of sleep I've had over the last month and spend time unhindered working on the yard; on the down side, I will have to spend lots of time in the hospital with moaning people, kind but largely unavailable nurses, and a grandmother who most of the time now is literally speaking mostly gibberish. It's not a pretty picture. It is, however, just the next step in this whole bizarre experience as my grandma's caregiver. Posted at 9:51 PM
Once again I think we may be on the brink of my grandma not walking any more and potentially being bedridden. She's been getting less sure on her feet (which actually even makes it sound better than it's been for a while), and she's more prone to becoming prone - falling - at least this week. Things have become quite bad with a very strong lean to her left while standing or sitting, and she's also begun the weird practice of trying to walk with her knees bent. The combination of everything has led to very unsure walking and - as I mentioned - a few small falls (where once again luck has held out and she hasn't hurt herself), but just a few minutes ago I had to pick her up off her feet and carry her to the couch as she was too shaky to remain standing. Will this clear up after a few days rest as was the case last time? Well, it might - except that getting her to really rest has been nearly impossible for weeks. She simply will not go back to sleep in bed if she wakes for any reason at any time during the night, and she struggles to get up and ends up wearing herself out. In the end she truly should be so exhausted that she simply can't stay awake, but despite that exhaustion she struggles so hard that she keeps herself awake. With this being the case, it seems to me that she will never allow herself the proper sleep and sitting rest necessary to relieve her aching legs, and unless she gives her legs (and arms) rest I don't see how she'll get better enough to walk again. So we'll see. This certainly isn't the first time I've been sure she would never walk again, and hopefully I'm wrong again. I don't hold out a lot of hope this time, though. She's just deteriorating too fast in all ways to think that things will do anything other than keep going downhill. Posted at 6:15 PM
If it's not my grandma banging on doors or making some other racket when I'm trying to sleep then it's the neighbors or their home repair people breaking noise ordinances at seven in the morning. I simply can't get a decent night's sleep one way or the other. Why have I fallen under this curse? Posted at 9:52 PM
Posted at 8:51 PM
I did not sign on to care for a two year old. Posted at 8:34 PM
Hopefully today is not a sign of what to expect from the month of September. Yeesh. Posted at 5:47 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © September 2010
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