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April 2011

April 30, 2011

The more crazy senile she gets the more exhausted I get.

Wheeeee!!!

Posted at 10:17 AM

April 29, 2011

Why does every doctor reschedule appointments so often? We're dealing with probably around 70% of all appointments being rescheduled once and sometimes even a second time. It's been this way for the past few years, but prior to that I never heard of such a problem. Now it's omnipresent.

Look, people - I have enough to deal with and try to plan for without your new vacation or new boat seeming more important than my grandma. If you want our money then at least show up when it was first arranged. If you can't do that then retire.

This poor treatment is ridiculous. Whatever happened to treating the customer well?

Posted at 11:10 AM

April 28, 2011

Hundreds of tornados hit the South last night killing hundreds of people. I learned about this just before I went to bed, and then, when I awoke in the middle of the night to the sounds of a fury of wind whipping the house I had to wonder if there would be twisters here as well.

As it turns out there is no evidence of tornado activity nearby, and I haven't even seen any fallen tree limbs up or down the street, but I had quite a bit less sleep than usual - not from worrying about possible tornados but simply from the noise of the howling and beating wind, hour after hour.

So I'm tired, and while the fury and speed of the wind have diminished, it's still very active outside with strong gusts. It should make for an interesting day.

Posted at 9:29 AM

April 27, 2011

Today I'm finally able to introduce a wonderful development.

A short time ago I was contacted by a student named Derek from South Central College in Minnesota. He was interested in using one of my short stories for a short film project for one of his classes, and he wanted my permission to go ahead. I was flattered and intrigued and told Derek to go ahead.

Over the next couple of months we e.mailed back and forth a bit. Derek needed more length for his film, and we both put forth ideas to lengthen but also add to the story.

Yesterday I received word from Derek that all was complete along with a link to the YouTube video. There are notable differences from my original story, but the film holds true to the spirit of the story throughout. I think it's a great production, and it's a very impressive accomplishment for a team that had never done any film work before.

But don't take my word for it; see for yourself. Here is a poster for the film, and here is the YouTube link as well as a link for a video file.

Posted at 11:22 AM

April 25, 2011

... and almost as quickly as they came they're gone again.

My sister, nephew, and niece, during a few hours shopping at the local Borders bookstore, cam back with a DVD of Young Frankenstein, and we all sat down to watch it last night. I have seen the movie a number of times and could quote lines word for word for much of the film. My nephew and niece had never seen it but had listened a number of times to the soundtrack of the Broadway musical, so they had a good idea what to expect - but they were still clearly pleasantly surprised by the movie. It is a classic example of how a set of great actors can make a great story even better, even funnier, and even more endearing. It was great to watch my nephew and niece enjoy the film so much. We were laughing together, and that gave me some of that feeling of bonding that I had felt was so lacking before that.

And now they're on their way back to home in Maryland, and I won't likely see any of them 'til mid-August - but that's not much different than any other year.

It was a nice visit, but I do still feel empty and alone even after making a connection. Mostly it's just the depression crushing me down, I suppose, but it feels more isolating than normal. There's nothing to be done, though, so I'll just keep muddling through ... certainly at least until mid-August.

Posted at 1:29 PAM

April 24, 2011

Surely my head has to explode if it has this much built up pressure.

<<<<BOOOM>>>>

Posted at 2:05 PM

April 23, 2011

My sister, nephew, and niece have arrived for Easter weekend. It feels more like they're here out of obligation than desire. I feel like there's no connection at all, and I'd love to be a part of their lives, but that just doesn't seem so on their part.

More fun, just as always.

Posted at 10:47 AM

April 22, 2011

I could really use a lucky break ... or a nap. Either would be a miracle.

Posted at 12:38 PM

April 21, 2011

Quick! Hide the razors!

Posted at 9:28 AM

April 20, 2011

It seems hard to believe someone with so much zest and vibrancy could be dead. Rest well, Lis. You gave us many wonderful times.

R.I.P. Elisabeth Sladen, Doctor Who’s Apprentice

Charlie Jane Anders — Elisabeth Sladen, who played Sarah Jane Smith in Doctor Who and two spin-off shows, has died, according to BBC News.

Her death is a huge loss to Doctor Who fans, and to fans of strong female adventure heroes everywhere. It's hard to overstate how important Elisabeth Sladen was to Doctor Who, and how much she transformed the role of the companion on the show. In many ways, she paved the way for all of the show's more intelligent, resourceful companions in the 21st Century.

When her character, Sarah Jane Smith, was added to the show in 1973, she was a direct reaction against the ditzy, spacey Jo Grant, her predecessor. And at first, Sarah Jane Smith was conceived of as a sort of plucky girl reporter, like Lois Lane, who would spout lines about "Women's Lib" every now and then. In her very first scene, Sarah Jane has a stereotypical 1970s feminist moment with the Doctor, who asks her to make herself useful by making coffee. Later, Sarah Jane gives the struggling Queen Thalira a crash course in standing up for herself. Watching those early episodes, you sense that the show is cluelessly trying too hard to make Sarah Jane a strong female character.

And by the time Tom Baker took over as the Doctor, Sarah Jane was being pushed into the traditional "damsel in distress" role more often. She spends a lot of Baker's first year squealing, screaming, being pushed off cliffs, getting sick and being trapped in impossible situations that the Doctor and Harry have to get her out of. Sladen has mentioned several times that she complained to the producers about this state of affairs, and seriously considered leaving the show after her second year.

Instead, the character of Sarah Jane changed, and became what the producers had originally struggled to make her: a strong, independent woman. In Baker's second season, Sarah Jane figures stuff out as often as the Doctor does, and frequently stands up for herself. On the DVD of "Pyramids of Mars," director Paddy Russell (one of the show's few female directors) explains how she and Sladen reworked the scripts, giving some of the Doctor's lines to Sarah Jane — so instead of the Doctor explaining stuff to Sarah Jane, it became Sarah Jane working things out on her own.

In those later stories, Sarah Jane is more of an equal partner to the Doctor, and often plays a crucial role in defeating the alien menace. And she gets one of my favorite companion moments in "The Seeds of Doom," when the thuggish Scorby laments that all his armed guards have fled the scene of the Krynoid attack, "just like a bunch of women." A few moments later, Sarah Jane is preparing to go face the Krynoid alone, and Scorby tells her it's suicide with that creature roaming around. She turns to him and says, "What was that you were saying about women?" The look on her face is priceless.

Sarah Jane was one of the longest-lasting Who companions, appearing for three and a half seasons. And unlike most companions, she continued to have an impact on the show long after her depature.

When Baker himself was planning on leaving Doctor Who, then-producer John Nathan-Turner asked Sladen to come back as Sarah Jane Smith for a while, to help ease the transition between Doctors. Sladen turned down that idea, but agreed instead to star in a spin-off series called K-9 and Company, in which she teamed up with the Doctor's robot dog to solve mysteries. Sadly, K-9 and Company was not that great a show, and it was soon forgotten, except that Sarah Jane and K-9 both put in repeat appearances in the 1983 special "The Five Doctors."

And somehow, the character of Sarah Jane never went away. Sladen reprised the role in 1990s audio adventures with Jon Pertwee as the Doctor, "The Paradise of Death" and "The Ghosts of N-Space." (Memorably, in one of them, she explains Sarah Jane's first law of journalism: Always make sure your expenses are taken care of.) She also starred in a series of nine Sarah Jane audio plays, including "Comeback," "The Tao Connection," "Test of Nerve," "Ghost Town," and "Buried Secrets," for Big Finish Productions in the early 2000s.

And when Doctor Who returned as an ongoing television series, Sarah Jane was one of the first elements from the classic series to be brought back. She was reunited with the Doctor in 2006's "School Reunion," where Sarah Jane finally deals with her feelings about being left behind by the Doctor at the end of "The Hand of Fear." But just as importantly, Sarah Jane is still fighting alien monsters and saving the planet, years after parting company with the Doctor — and that's how the two are reunited in the story, because they're working the same case.

Sarah Jane's reappearance in "School Reunion" worked well enough that she was given a second chance at a spin-off show — and this time, it worked. The pilot wasn't the greatest thing ever, but when the Sarah Jane Adventures became an ongoing show, it quickly gelled into a beautiful show that encapsulated everything that was great about classic Doctor Who, with an added layer of warmth and sweetness.

Sarah Jane Smith went from being a former companion to being a Doctor-ish figure in her own right, serving as mentor and protector to an ever-changing cast of kids and young adults, including her own adopted son Luke. At its absolute best, her spin-off show has been capable of tremendous cleverness, but the characters were always front and center. You may have wished the Doctor would sweep you away in his magical time machine, but Sarah Jane was the guide and friend that we'd all want to go visit. Even though she had a magical supercomputer and a futuristic robot dog, she was still all about nurturing the potential of the young people around her.

Edited to add: People are always speculating about what it would be like if we had a female Doctor. I feel like we sort of had one already, and her name was Sarah Jane Smith.

And a lot of the best episodes of the Sarah Jane Adventures dealt with what a mess the world would be in if Sarah Jane had never existed — just like the Doctor himself, she managed to become a crucial factor in our world's survival. Sarah Jane made another couple of appearances on Doctor Who during the David Tennant era, and the Doctor also visited her show twice.

The good news is, at least half of the next season of Sarah Jane Adventures are already in the can. (Here's a set report.) So we'll be seeing her save the world at least a few more times. And her autobiography is due to be published in July.

PS: The BBC sent me this official statement:

It is with much sadness that we can announce Elisabeth Sladen, the much-loved actress best known for her role as Sarah Jane Smith in Doctor Who and CBBC's The Sarah Jane Adventures, passed away this morning. She was 63.

Lis first appeared as Sarah Jane in Doctor Who in 1973 alongside the Third Doctor Jon Pertwee and stayed for three and half seasons working alongside Jon and the Fourth Doctor Tom Baker. She returned to the role on numerous occasions over the years and, in 2007, was given her own spin-off series on CBBC - The Sarah Jane Adventures - where she would appear alongside new Doctors David Tennant and Matt Smith.

The Sarah Jane Adventures brought Lis a whole new generation of fans who grew up to love her alien-busting adventures. The series was hugely popular with fans young and old and won this year's RTS Award for best children's drama.

Controller of CBBC Damian Kavanagh said tonight: "I'm deeply saddened and shocked by the news of Lis' untimely death. Lis brought joy, excitement and a sense of wonder to her many fans in her role as Sarah Jane Smith. She was adored by our young audience and I know all of them will miss her as much as I will."

The creator of The Sarah Jane Adventures Russell T Davies said: "I absolutely loved Lis. She was funny and cheeky and clever and just simply wonderful. The universe was lucky to have Sarah Jane Smith; the world was lucky to have Lis."

Steven Moffat, Doctor Who's Lead Writer and Executive Producer said: "'Never meet your heroes' wise people say. They weren't thinking of Lis Sladen.

"Sarah Jane Smith was everybody's hero when I was younger, and as brave and funny and brilliant as people only ever are in stories. But many years later, when I met the real Sarah-Jane - Lis Sladen herself - she was exactly as any child ever have wanted her to be. Kind and gentle and clever; and a ferociously talented actress, of course, but in that perfectly English unassuming way.

"There are a blessed few who can carry a whole television show on their talent and charisma - but I can't think of one other who's done it quite so politely. I once showed my son Joshua an old episode of Doctor Who, in which Lis appeared. "But that's Sarah Jane," he said, confused "In old Doctor Who. From years ago. How come she always look exactly the same?" It's not a comfort today, of course, but children will still be saying that fifty years from now."

Keith Jones, Director, BBC Cymru Wales, said: "The Sarah Jane Adventures has been one of the most successful children's programmes on television in recent years - and without Elisabeth Sladen it would not have happened. A brilliant presence on screen and on set, she brought the excitement and energy of the Doctor Who family of programmes, of which we are very proud at BBC Wales, to a whole new generation. She will be missed by all at BBC Wales who worked with her."

Roger Carey, who represented Lis for many years, said. "She was not just a client, but a dear friend. She was so positive about life and her natural energy was intoxicating. She couldn't believe her luck when her career was resurrected in her own series."

Lis had been suffering from cancer. She leaves behind a husband, actor Brian Miller, and her daughter, Sadie.

Posted at 11:34 AM

April 19, 2011

The crazy aspect of the senility is getting stronger and more prevalent, and I do not like it - not at all.

Posted at 9:35 AM

April 18, 2011

There is nothing so profound as the inevitability of the past.

Posted at 11:19 AM

April 17, 2011

I find it hard to believe that at this point in time there is anything better coming from the representative government we have under the Republicans and Democrats than what we would have in total anarchy under nobody.

Yes, the situation would be tremendously different, but I don't see how things would be any worse. The strong and well-armed would ave a higher balance of power than others, but that's comparable to the rich over everybody else - no change. There would be no police or fire department, but government cuts are whittling those services to nothing and many governments are planning to charge for any and all services from those departments - no net change. The free market would rule with no oversight which is what the Republicans are making happen and the Democrats aren't fighting against - leaving no change. There would be no Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid, but there would be no taxation taking 30-50% of your earnings (between income and sales taxes) - no change.

I vote for anarchy. At least in that situation each person would have more control of their own destiny. As it is now, you vote for people who lied to get your vote, they don't do what they promised and you expected them to do, and you get fucked by them and their opponents because nobody at all really gives a damn about you. So fuck them all. Who needs a government if all it does is fuck you over?

Posted at 10:09 AM

April 16, 2011

I miss my time in the Arts Center. I need that quiet simplicity to heal myself ... and yet I don't believe circumstances will flow such that I'd ever be able to live there again.

Posted at 10:16 AM

April 15, 2011

Let's hurry up toward the end of that Myan calendar.

Posted at 10:44 AM

April 14, 2011

It's hard to believe there was ever a time that I was happy.

How can life be so horribly painful and pointless and unredeemed when I know that happiness did once exist? And how can I keep going with no hope to ever know that happiness again?

Posted at 10:07 AM

April 13, 2011

Today is a massive improvement from yesterday. My grandma is nowhere near back to where she was even three days ago, but she is walking now, and that's huge.

How long this will last I don't know, but I'll certainly enjoy it while I can.

Posted at 11:18 AM

April 12, 2011

It's hard to believe it can get worse, but it keeps doing so.

Yesterday was worse than the day before, and today has reached new lows. I have minimized the time my grandma needs to stand and walk to only about two minutes and a half dozen steps each time she goes to the bathroom, and it initially looked like that might work. She would do just that much (with positive coaxing) and not yet let the fear from her anxiety overcome her. Now (at least if this morning is any example) she will stand fine, walk a few steps fine, and then let the fear overcome her and immediately give up, letting her legs buckle underneath her and refusing to straighten her legs. This is completely in her mind and something she can overcome, but she just won't try, and that is the core problem.

In a different setting I could lift her from bed to her wheelchair, from her wheelchair to her recliner, from her wheelchair to the toilet seat, and back again from each of those seats. And I could care for her in every other necessary way either while she was lying in bed or while she was sitting in a chair. That setting is not this house, however. I could do just about everything, but picking her up and putting her on the toilet seat just won't work. The bathroom is too small and the pieces in the bathroom too close together to make this work.

In the strictest sense I think I could get in the bathroom, pull the wheelchair in from the hall with me and up to the door (which is as far as it would go - it's too wide to go further), then lift my grandma out of the chair from under her arms and set her down. If it were a life-sized doll or an unresponsive person for her weight I could do it without too much problem. Unfortunately my grandmother flails around and tries to grab at anything in reach when she's lifted up, regardless of how much you've prepared her or how quickly you manage it. If she doesn't grab the edge of the counter or the towel rack or a cupboard handle or the handles on the raised toilet seat (any of which would stop her and make it impossible to move her further and set her down without uprising the hand free - and since I'd need both hands to lift her, that becomes difficult since I haven't had that third limb grafted on yet) - and if she didn't grab any of those items she could still very likely bang her arms or hands into something and hurt herself. I suppose I could use a belt and strap her arms to her sides for the brief duration of the lift (this has just occurred to me) but it seems wrong somehow to do that, even though it would be for her own good.

I don't know. I'm struggling to come up with ideas for how t make this work. The bathroom is the only problem right now. That's not saying that this new turn of events will be easy - far from it - but I still believe I could manage and keep her healthy and happy - so long as I can figure out how to make a working solution for taking her to the toilet.

Ah the fun of this. How you all must envy me.

Posted at 10:12 AM

April 11, 2011

We may be reaching the end here.

My grandma is at the point, it seems, of refusing to even try to walk because she has let fear grip her so strongly. This may just be a bump in the road and tomorrow will be better, but I don't think so. I believe this is the next progression in her continuing downward spiral.

Unfortunately, with the small space and configuration in the bathroom, I don't know how I can make things work if she won't stand up and walk at least a few steps to get in position to sit on the toilet. It's just not in a position such that I can lift her and set her down. It's just too tight. While I could try a bedside toilet stand - and I may - I have concerns about whether she will stay seated on such a stand or fall off to one side (she lists like the Titanic) or if she scoot it around out of place while I was trying to lift her and set her on it (because she generally panics and flails her arms every which way and grabs stuff in the process, and the nearest grabbable thing would be the toilet stand). If I can't get her on and off the toilet then there are very few workable solutions, and those solutions are just things I can try but don't have a lot of hope for as real options.

The bottom line is that a nursing home may be the only solution, no matter how much I oppose that. There's sadly only so much I can do, and she's pushed me to the limits and now possibly beyond. I don't know what to expect from here on.

Posted at 2:08 PM

April 10, 2011

Truth, compassion, love - these things should come to all of us most easily ... and yet for most they are a struggle to produce or they are things to manipulate. The natural order would be where they come naturally and all is peaceful and pleasant and comforting. But for some reason this is not the case. For some reason mankind twists thee things beyond recognition to make the world of hatred and horror and dishonor that surrounds us every day.

Why?

Posted at 10:28 AM

April 9, 2011

The shoe thing, the shit everywhere, the anxiety-based fear, the senility, the determination not to even try to do important things like stand up, the complete lack of any short-term memory - one or two of these things at once are enough, and I've been able to make things work despite the difficulties - but ALL of these things at once is more than I can stand.

Physically I can still manage (surprisingly), but mentally and emotionally I've passed my limit. Even a single day of this would be a miserable curse, but a full week now has left me physically tired and mentally and emotionally unstable. This sort of hell can't go on much longer or I'll lose my mind.

This whole endeavor is becoming a curse, no matter how good my intentions or the purpose. It's simply become a miserable ordeal, and that has no winning points, no matter how you look at it.

Posted at 10:54 AM

April 8, 2011

The depression is strong in this one.

Posted at 11:29 AM

April 7, 2011

Happy belated birthday to my wonderful friend Chris, currently in Florida. I love you and miss you, buddy. Have fun!

Posted at 10:34 AM

April 6, 2011

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Honestly, the man could have been talking to my grandma and her dementia-inspired anxiety. The fear is crippling her and it's all just a quirk of her brain that's been present since the stroke. It's not based on any real thing(s) to be feared, but it's making her afraid to stand up or, once up and standing, to move her feet and walk. She's like a deer in the headlights, and this fear is overwhelming any aspect of how strong her legs still are or any realization of how well she does still actually stand and walk - for her age or for anyone even twenty years younger.

It's frustrating to see her basically losing the ability to walk - not because she's too weak or unsteady but because of a trick of the mind that she has proven she can ignore (she moves fast as can be first thing in the morning when she needs to go to the bathroom and thinks about that rather than focusing on the fear).

She just gives into the fear, and that upsets me even more than that she's having these problems. I hate to see her giving up. That's not the kind of woman she is.

Posted at 10:56 AM

April 5, 2011

Tired, headachy, hungry, stomach-achy, weak, worn ...

When does it end?

Posted at 11:10 AM

April 4, 2011

If they're not your shoes, grandma, then whose are they?

Posted at 11:42 AM

April 3, 2011

Why does this migraine have to be so unrelenting, and why does it have to be so much more severe these past couple days?

Posted at 9:57 AM

April 2, 2011

My mom finished a five-day visit and left before I got up this morning. Her help taking care of my grandma made things a bit easier this past week, but with the flat tire and various other errands and projects that needed to be done, I had next to no real free time left around the things I still had to do taking care of my grandma (stuff my mom can't manage).

So I had a break in a way - a break from the repetitive routine of caring for my grandma, a break from my grandma's senility, and a break from prompting my grandma to stand up straight every other step - and that was nice. I didn't have a proper break, during which I could relax or even get more sleep - and that's a shame because I need that kind of a break - but all in all it was better than nothing ... which is what I unusually get.

Now my mom won't be back for probably another two months, so the burden is fully back on my shoulders. I've managed to keep it together so far. Hopefully I'll still be able to manage by myself and keep sane despite everything.

Posted at 10:31 AM

April 1, 2011

Word.

Posted at 11:06 AM

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