Journal Archives from theDreamworld ... March 2011

March 2011

March 31, 2011

I hate flat tires.

I would almost go so far as to say I have a phobia about them because I do get unnaturally upset by them and worry more often than probably any normal person about getting a flat. I'm not afraid of them, however. I can change a flat just fine (if the lugs aren't powered on too tightly for normal human strength), and I survive every flat just fine.

Still, I hate flat tires.

And having a flat first thing when you go to your car in the morning is truly a drag, particularly a day you had planned to run errands early and get them done so that you could just lay back and read and relax most of the afternoon. -- Obviously that won't be happening.

So the car's in the shop now. Hopefully this tire can be repaired. I hate to replace tires, particularly now with the expense to deal with. This can't end too quickly for me, and it's already too late to do much to salvage the day.

I do so hate flat tires. Truly I do.

Posted at 11:11 AM

March 30, 2011

Birthday wishes to my friend Kristina, whom I see far too rarely.

Posted at 12:55 PM

March 29, 2011

Poop, poop, everywhere! Everywhere!

Oh, the humanity!

Posted at 11:19 PM

March 28, 2011

Happy Birthday, Wallace, not that you'll probably be reading this ...

Posted at 10:15 AM

March 27, 2011

I'm to the point where I don't want to hear any more from any politician. If I want to hear self-serving lies then I'll talk to my family. If I want to hear how somebody's going to cut down the already minimal means of support I have, I'll talk to my family. If I want to hear how everything they're doing is for my own good, I'll talk to my family.

But at least with my family I know it's just me that's being fucked over. When I listen to the politicians I can't help but know that they're fucking over millions of other decent people who are just as dumbfounded, disenheartened, and distraught as I am.

Posted at 10:01 AM

March 26, 2011

Cribl bobbll crunk.

You heard me.

Posted at 10:46 AM

March 25, 2011

I had patience once.

Posted at 11:21 AM

March 24, 2011

Alarm clocks are evil.

Posted at 9:29 AM

March 23, 2011

Belated birthday wishes to my good friend Simon, who wasn't just born yesterday (as the joke goes) but whose birthday was in fact yesterday.

Posted at 10:50 AM

March 22, 2011

When, exactly, does that cashless society depicted in Star Trek get going? Anytime soon? Because seriously, financial issues account for a huge amount of my anxiety, frustrations, and wastes of time - and just from dealing with my grandma's finances, not my own.

Posted at 12:28 PM

March 21, 2011

I'm tired and have an aching stomach and an aching head. This is getting to be the norm, so you'd think I'd be getting used to it. I'm not.

This is what life is like when you do the right thing. I know all sorts of people who are heartless and selfish and they feel great. This is not a strong argument for conventional morality.

Posted at 11:18 AM

March 20, 2011

It's officially Spring today. If only the weather would continue to be Spring-like from now on ...

Posted at 9:54 AM

March 19, 2011

Thanks, Justin.

Posted at 1 1:54 AM

March 18, 2011

To die would be a great adventure.

Posted at 10:50 AM

March 17, 2011

Where, oh where is that good Irish luck that's part of my birthright?

Posted at 12:21 PM

March 16, 2011

I'm getting very tired of every meal I serve my grandmother turning into a multi-hour event, constantly having to goad her to eat her food, swallow it and not spit it out, and overall have a proper serving so that she will stay alive. It's not a matter of hunger or not liking the food - it's just part of her senility - but it's frustrating and draining to have to spend two hours for lunch and two hours for dinner.

Heck, going to the bathroom is a minimum 45 minute event each time now, and that's every couple of hours. Add the bathroom events to the meal events and there's just about nothing left in the waking day.

Posted at 12:50 PM

March 15, 2011

I should by now know better than to shop for groceries before I've eaten. The good news is that everything will eventually all be eaten. The bad news is that the grocery budget's a bit higher than normal. At least it's rare that I shop this early, so it's not likely to be a recurring problem.

Posted at 12:11 PM

March 14, 2011

Only rarely can you have your pi and Edith too.

(it's Pi Day for those wondering (3.14) and All in the Family is on).

Posted at 11:21 AM

March 13, 2011

I have lost more respect for my mother in the past week than I have in the past twenty years, and that boggles the mind considering how little respect I've had for her since I've been an adult. The lying, self-delusion, failure to take any responsibility for her actions, and refusal to see reality is more than I can stand.

I would never have anything to do with a person who acted and thought like my mother, and while there is that connection from her relationship to me, I still have to wonder why I keep putting up with this kind of behavior. I'm honestly not a masochist.

Posted at 10:49 AM

March 12, 2011

I love having a clean house, but I hate cleaning - particularly today when I'm tired and would really just like to lay down and read in the spare moments around caring for my grandma.

: (

Posted at 1 0:18 AM

March 11, 2011

I'd much rather be a twink than a bear, but it seems to keep slipping further and further from my control. I'm not interested in this look an body type; why would anyone else be? And for those who were into this body type, how the hell would I find them, particularly here in the middle of nowhere?

Not that this is even among my top 50 problems, but it's something that was on my mind today ...

Posted at 2:53 PM

March 10, 2011

Taking care of my grandma is hard enough without the added idiocy that comes from my family.

Do this for gramma. Don't do this for gramma. I don't care if I just told you last week to do it.

It's worth it to pay money to keep her happy and healthy. You have to be more careful with money.

We want to try to make arrangements to protect her assets. It's pointless to protect her assets.

I'll come more often to help out. I can't come to help out (at all). I'm responsible for her ultimately. You're responsible for her since you're there. Nobody can feel responsible for her.

Your one job is to make sure she's able to live in her house. Your job is to do whatever is needed to keep the house and yard in top condition. Your job is to pay attention to the doctors so you know what's going on. The doctors don't know what they're saying. You must have misunderstood that. Why are you worried about what the doctors say, they aren't there.

I think we should put gramma in a nursing home. I don't think we should put gramma in a nursing home. I don't ever want to see her in a nursing home. I never wanted to see her in a nursing home. We won't have any choice about putting her in a nursing home.

This could go on forever. One person says one thing and then in little time contradicts themselves in every possible way. And it's not just one family member. Each one is like this with the flip-flop insanity. Honestly, my grandma makes more sense and is more consistent even with her dementia and horrible memory.

Posted at 11:19 AM

March 9, 2011

And now, without further ado, my head will explode.

(Will this migraine never end?)

Posted at 1:03 PM

March 8, 2011

Where's the off switch ...

Posted at 12:35 PM

March 7, 2011

Seventeen years, and it still hurts like it happened yesterday.

The longer it goes, the more dead d I become inside. Why can't I just die and have it over with. It hurts too much to bear, and it will never get better - that much is crystal clear.

Oh, Ken. Why did it have to happen this way? Why did it have to be you?

Posted at 12:05 PM

March 6, 2011

My mother left early this morning before I awoke, the rapid exit to a six-day stay. Yesterday, particularly, my grandma was miserable to deal with, and I'm sure my mom was in at least some was happy to beat a hasty retreat from helping care for my grandma.

As usual, the 'break' I was supposed to get never really materialized, but it was at least nice to have reduced duties with my grand ma, even if I ended up still never getting any true periods of rest and/or relaxation.

Par for the course, folks ...

Posted at 12:00 PM

March 5, 2011

I'm so tired of having to live. Why does it just keep going on and on and on?

Posted at 1 1:00 AM

March 4, 2011

I'm tired, depressed, full of a headache that won't diminish, and socked by stomach pains that only minimize after a large meal. Am I sick? No, I don't think so. I am tired, I won't deny, but I think it's mostly the heavy depression.

Seventeen years have now passed, but Monday will be the anniversary of Ken's death, and the pain and sadness I feel still is unbearable. I miss Ken all the time and think of him most every day, but this time of year always hits me hard.

I miss him so much, and I feel so empty without him. Nothing can change that, and while people always say that "it gets easier with time" or "you learn to live with it", I couldn't disagree more. No, I don't cry uncontrollably and without end anymore when I think of Ken, even on his anniversary, but it's till devastating.

Oh, Ken. You would have handled this so much better than me.

Posted at 12:33 PM

March 3, 2011

How is it that I end up always having less free time during these visits from my mom when she's here to 'give me a break'? Is this just some sort of cruel joke that I haven't been let in on?

Posted at 12:53 PM

March 2, 2011

Possibly a very interesting development coming together - but I don't want to get my hopes up OR jinx it, so I'm keeping it to myself for now.

In other news, I'm completely exhausted! Yea!

Posted at 10:07 AM

March 1, 2011

Happy birthday, Chris!

If it's true that everything's big in Texas, then I hope your birthday is the biggest and best ever!

Posted at 1:47 PM