Journal Archives from theDreamworld ... March 2012

March 2012

March 31, 2012

I had what was probably the longest and most sound sleep I've had in the last couple of years last night, but this morning I still feel achy, worn out, tired, and wracked with a migraine. I think I slept as well as I did last night simply because the emotional and physical exhaustion has become so strong. I am seriously fried.

Hopefully with my mom here there will be a little support and a little less stress, and while I've still got a lot of cleaning and tasks to do before my sister arrives on Wednesday, I'm going to try to relax much of this weekend so I recover myself a bit. We'll see how that works out.

Posted at 10:06 AM

March 30, 2012

Crazy stuff, folks.

My grandma has had her share of struggles. The difficult breathing brought on a heart attack which, although apparently mild, called for cardiac medication and threw her blood pressure out of balance. She's been sleeping for some time now, since that, and has had more regular breathing patterns (mostly) and a lower heart rate, and while the blood pressure is low (as is typical for her) it is steady. Due to anemia and a low hemoglobin count they have just started giving my grandma two units of blood. That will go in over time, taking the rest of the afternoon, and if there are no complications or reactions, the refilled blood supply should help her recovery, if only in that more red blood cells would be available and flowing carrying more oxygen.

There's a whole bunch more various issues involved, good and bad, but all generally smaller issues. The heart and the lungs are the concerns right now, and a great deal of attention is being dedicated to both.

I feel much better now than I did last night when word from the doctor did not suggest anything good. I was anxious and upset all evening and slept poorly and minimally last night, and I'm surprised I'm as functional today as I am, but I think adrenaline is a major factor. I am tired, and I've been running errands, making calls, and performing tasks in and outside of the house and around town all day, and I'm finally getting close to pulling things together. I'm afraid once I sit down to take a breather and watch some TV that I'll immediately fall asleep.

My mom is driving in today and should be here in another hour-and-a-half or two hours, and then we'll head back to the hospital to find out any more that we can.

It's a crazy day, I assure you.

Posted at 3:28 PM

March 29, 2012

So ...

Late yesterday afternoon, during my grandma's late afternoon feeding through her feeding tube, the nurse noticed my grandma breathing heavily, consulted another nurse, called my grandma's doctor, and sent her to the Emergency Room. They then called me (while I was working in the yard, sweaty and dirty) to let me know what was happening.

Various tests in the ER showed that my grandma had a urinary tract infection (which they promptly began to treat with antibiotics), some moisture in the lungs (possibly pneumonia), and some solid matter in her lungs (which they felt was likely food from her feeding tube that she'd regurgitated and then swallowed - and since she doesn't swallow well anymore {thus the need for the feeding tube}, she inhaled some of the vomit down her windpipe and into her lungs). They initially put her on an oxygen feed through a mask but then switched to a bi=pap machine that pushes in dry air and then withdraws moist air in a regular pattern. It doesn't breath for her like a ventilator would, but it provides oxygen rich air to aid her through her difficulty breathing. The ER doctor hoped to get her to cough up the solids maybe today (although I don't see her having the coughing strength to dislodge anything), but the focus right away was to make sure her breathing became more regular. That had already happened before they moved her to a room in the hospital for her stay.

Today she seems not to be much different, perhaps breathing a little easier but still with more effort than usual. They've lowered her oxygen intake through the bi-pap machine from 80% to 50% so that's progress. As more time passes I think the antibiotics and the bi-pap machine will clear the urinary tract infection and the pneumonia. The foreign matter in her lungs is the primary concern, though, and that needs to be addressed. They seem to be getting her to where she doesn't require as much supplemental oxygen as she does now before extricating the foreign matter - and I think that's smart - but I hope they address this issue soon. The extra effort of the heavy breathing is clearly taxing my grandma, and the only way that will ease is once the foreign matter is out of her lungs. I feel comfortable that the doctor and the hospital staff are caring well for my grandma, but I want to see this resolved soon.

After the wear-and-tear of two full days of yard work and the stress of this new situation on top of this, I am very weak and weary. And if I'm this exhausted I shudder to think how my grandma feels.

Posted at 11:45 AM

March 28, 2012

As if it wasn't hard enough to motivate myself to do yard work (which - if I haven't mentioned it enough - I hate); add in being sore and achy from yesterday's yard work; add in my grandma sleeping through my entire visit after almost two weeks of her being withdrawn and uncommunicative; add in running into Bill, the husband of my grandma's roommate and a man who is clearly lonely and wanting someone to talk to; and add in warmer weather that is enough to be uncomfortably warm and even more uncomfortable on my slightly sunburned head and neck; and - viola! - I have absolutely no motivation to do the rest of the yard work today (or ever) even though it needs to get done, and the sooner the better.

Part of me wants to get myself moving and get this done, regardless of any other feelings. UNfortunately a larger part of me wants to lie down, read a book, let my achy body rest and heal, and have nothing to do with yard work for as long as humanly possible.

It doesn't look good for progress, does it?

Posted at 11:32 AM

March 27, 2012

I still hate yard work (no big surprise).

Posted at 1:28 PM

March 26, 2012

Well, well ... some days are just full of surprises.

Let's hope the rest of the day can match up to the surprise fro Chicago ...

Posted at 10:12 AM

March 25, 2012

So tired. So tired.

Posted at 10:30 AM

March 24, 2012

Fix my head, please.

Posted at 10:04 AM

March 23, 2012

Must everything be upsetting, frightening, and/or worrisome?

Posted at 11:48 AM

March 22, 2012

Happy Birthday to my friend Simon!

Posted at 9:27 AM

March 21, 2012

Nominally potent migraine medication isn't going to cut it. This constant pressure is not only painful but exhausting. Looks like Advil Migraine isn't the answer.

Posted at 11:18 AM

March 20, 2012

Record temperatures, stress about my grandma's condition, a strong migraine, and trying new migraine medication without any practical results .. par for the course with me, it's beginning to seem.

Posted at 12:09 PM

March 19, 2012

OLd, old, old. I am seriously just unpleasantly old.

Posted at 9:04 AM

March 18, 2012

I've had a massive, horrible migraine build to insane pain yesterday, continuing today, and I'm near;y out of Excedrin Migraine - and it's still not on shelves due to a recall that's lasted two and a half months.

Yesterday I tried to extend my time between taking more pills to try to stretch out the last of my supply, and all I did was leave myself suffering just about all day. Today feels little better, and the supplies are even lower. In fact I may run out today.

Ain't life grand?

Posted at 9:35 AM

March 17, 2012

Kiss me! I really AM part Irish!

Posted at 10:01 AM

March 16, 2012

Tired. Again.

Posted at 1:29 PM

March 15, 2012

Beware the Ides of March, mighty Caesar.

Posted at 10:55 AM

March 14, 2012

I regularly read Robert Reich's blog, enjoy his participation in roundtables and political talk show, and have even been to public speeches he has offered, and I have yet to find much difference in our view of right and wrong in politics, finance, and human dignity. His most recent blog entry is a perfect example and views I support whole-heartedly.

The Difference Between Private and Public Morality

Republicans have morality upside down. Santorum, Gingrich, and even Romney are barnstorming across the land condemning gay marriage, abortion, out-of-wedlock births, access to contraception, and the wall separating church and state.

But America’s problem isn’t a breakdown in private morality. It’s a breakdown in public morality. What Americans do in their bedrooms is their own business. What corporate executives and Wall Street financiers do in boardrooms and executive suites affects all of us.

There is moral rot in America but it’s not found in the private behavior of ordinary people. It’s located in the public behavior of people who control our economy and are turning our democracy into a financial slush pump. It’s found in Wall Street fraud, exorbitant pay of top executives, financial conflicts of interest, insider trading, and the outright bribery of public officials through unlimited campaign “donations.”

Political scientist James Q. Wilson, who died last week, noted that a broken window left unattended signals that no one cares if windows are broken. It becomes an ongoing invitation to throw more stones at more windows, ultimately undermining moral standards of the entire community

The windows Wall Street broke in the years leading up to the crash of 2008 remain broken. Despite financial fraud on a scale not seen in this country for more than eighty years, not a single executive of a major Wall Street bank has been charged with a crime.

Since 2009, the Securities and Exchange Commission has filed 25 cases against mortgage originators and securities firms. A few are still being litigated but most have been settled. They’ve generated almost $2 billion in penalties and other forms of monetary relief, according to the Commission. But almost none of this money has come out of the pockets of CEOs or other company officials; it has come out of the companies — or, more accurately, their shareholders. Federal prosecutors are now signaling they won’t even bring charges in the brazen case of MF Global, which lost billions of dollars that were supposed to be kept safe.

Nor have any of the lawyers, accountants, auditors, or top executives of credit-rating agencies who aided and abetted Wall Street financiers been charged with doing anything wrong.

And the new Dodd-Frank law that was supposed to prevent this from happening again is now so riddled with loopholes, courtesy of Wall Street lobbyists, that it’s almost a sham. The Street prevented the Glass-Steagall Act from being resurrected, and successfully fought against limits on the size of the largest banks.

Windows started breaking years ago. Enron’s court-appointed trustee reported that bankers from Citigroup and JP Morgan Chase didn’t merely look the other way; they dreamed up and sold Enron financial schemes specifically designed to allow Enron to commit fraud. Arthur Andersen, Enron’s auditor, was convicted of obstructing justice by shredding Enron documents, yet most of the Andersen partners who aided and abetted Enron were never punished.

Americans are entitled to their own religious views about gay marriage, contraception, out-of-wedlock births, abortion, and God. We can be truly free only if we’re confident we can go about our private lives without being monitored or intruded upon by government, and can practice whatever faith (or lack of faith) we wish regardless of the religious beliefs of others. A society where one set of religious views is imposed on a large number of citizens who disagree with them is not a democracy. It’s a theocracy.

But abuses of public trust such as we’ve witnessed for years on the Street and in the executive suites of our largest corporations are not matters of private morality. They’re violations of public morality. They undermine the integrity of our economy and democracy. They’ve led millions of Americans to conclude the game is rigged.

Regressive Republicans have no problem hurling the epithets “shameful,” “disgraceful,” and “contemptible” at private moral decisions they disagree with. Rush Limbaugh calls a young woman a “slut” just for standing up for her beliefs about private morality.

Republicans have staked out the moral low ground. It’s time for Democrats and progressives to stake out the moral high ground, condemning the abuses of economic power and privilege that characterize this new Gilded Age – business deals that are technically legal but wrong because they exploit the trust that investors or employees have place in those businesses, pay packages that are ludicrously high compared with the pay of average workers, political donations so large as to breed cynicism about the ability of their recipients to represent the public as a whole.

An economy is built on a foundation of shared morality. Adam Smith never called himself an economist. The separate field of economics didn’t exist in the eighteenth century. He called himself a moral philosopher. And the book he was proudest of wasn’t “The Wealth of Nations,” but his “Theory of Moral Sentiments” – about the ties that bind people together into societies.

Twice before progressive have saved capitalism from its own excesses by appealing to public morality and common sense. First in the early 1900s, when the captains for American industry had monopolized the economy into giant trusts, American politics had sunk into a swamp of patronage and corruption, and many factory jobs were unsafe – entailing long hours of work at meager pay and often exploiting children. In response, we enacted antitrust, civil service reforms, and labor protections.

And then again in 1930s after the stock market collapsed and a large portion of American workforce was unemployed. Then we regulated banks and insured deposits, cleaned up stock market, and provided social insurance to the destitute.

It’s time once again to save capitalism from its own excesses — and to base a new era of reform on public morality and common sense.

Posted at 11:36 AM

March 13, 2012

Once again we were back at the hospital, this time for a scheduled visit rather than a run to the ER. The specialist who did the procedure that inserted the feeding tube into my grandma two months ago did some exploratory work to figure out why the feeding tube wasn't working as it should. As it turned out he discovered the problem and put in a new feeding tube. I'm happy to say my grandma is healthy and comfortable - although a bit loopy, just as she has been each time following the use of anesthetic.

Seeing that she was in the surgical unit by 8:45 AM and that with pre-op and post-op waits it was after 1:45 PM, it wiped out the morning, and the trip to return her to Providence Care added another half hour to that. Now, knowing that my grandma has been well cared for and now that I've had some lunch, I'm finally feeling a bit better - although with a mild headache. Still, things are fairly good ... but I could use a nice rest.

Posted at 2:54 PM

March 12, 2012

Why can't my grandma at least remain stable and untroubled by problems? I'd love her to get better, but at her age it's unlikely I'll see huge improvements, and even the small ones will take time. I could live with that though. Instead it seems like just one thing after another without end, none in and of themselves horrid or painful or life-threatening (so long as they're addressed) but keeping her from in any way moving forward in her recovery and certainly keeping her a little longer from returning home.

This stuff is driving me crazy, and it's very upsetting as well. Is it too much to ask that my grandma have a couple weeks without some new problem?

Posted at 12:46 PM

March 11, 2012

I need something to give me hope ... to make any of this seem even remotely worthwhile. Is there honestly anything that can make life not seem as truly shitty as it is?

Posted at 9:55 AM

March 10, 2012

Ugh!

Posted at 9:35 AM

March 9, 2012

My mom headed back to her home in Alabama this morning, having been here almost a week after her arrival Sunday night. It was nice to have some company, a few home-cooked meals, a couple of meals out, and just some support with all of the things going on with my grandma.

We were back in the emergency room again yesterday afternoon and into the evening due to concerns about my grandma's feeding tube, but the ER doctor seemed to feel things were okay after exams and x-rays and he sent her back to Providence Care Center. This was the shortest ER visit I've had yet - just three and a half hours - so I give some credit to the staff. Still, going to the ER just about every week is getting to be worrisome and somewhat of a pain in the ass. I'd like my grandma to be getting better and not having one thing or another become a concern each week. It's exhausting not only for her but for me, too.

Posted at 12:01 PM

March 8, 2012

I made it through yesterday better than I have in fifteen years, but I still miss Ken, and while I'm not completely morose as I have been in years past I am nonetheless very broken-hearted and depressed. Such a life should have shined forever. Nothing can make up for that.

Posted at 2:31 PM

March 7, 2012

I still miss you, Ken ... more than words can say.

Posted at 9:58 AM

March 6, 2012

Don't break my head, my achy-breaky head ...

Posted at 9:39 AM

March 5, 2012

My mom drove in today, concerned about my grandma after her operation, and - wouldn't you know - the hospital discharged her and sent her back to Providence Care Center just when I was expecting my mom to arrive.

As it happened my mom was a little later than usual in getting here, so our visit with my grandma was late, and my dinner (which had been delayed) ended up being quite late.

So it was a busy evening.

My grandma is doing well, however, and my mom will be here to stay for a few days. That all seems fine.

Posted at 11:24 AM

March 4, 2012

Today is the 175th anniversary of the founding of the City of Chicago - my favorite town.

Happy Birthday, Chicago! I miss you very much.

Posted at 9:40 AM

March 3, 2012

Oh, well.

My migraine had lessened significantly the past couple of days, but that was clearly just a ruse to get my hopes up. The pain is back this morning (since during the night even) with fervor. This pain is really draining.

Posted at 10:13 AM

March 2, 2012

My grandma is back in the hospital, this time due to some sore spots on various parts of her body where she's had pressure from lying on them. These aren't exactly bedsores per se, but they're as good as the same thing. One of the sores - which she's had since she got out of the hospital a month and a half ago - is apparently necrotic (dead tissue) and needs to be surgically removed, so the plan is to try to schedule the surgery this afternoon (or on Monday, if they can't fit it in, since they don't do surgery on the weekends (which is good for surgeons to have days off but bad for people whose appendix burst or such things that can't wait)).

Anyhow, we're back to the crazy emotional roller coaster (not that we've ever truly left it), and although this is supposed to be just a minor surgery, of course it's still a big concern with an extremely elderly, frail woman. Worse, in my mind, is the fact that this one sore spot is not the only one, even though it is the worst and most serious. My concern is for my grandma's comfort, health, and future care, and these sores are a troubling and very problematic addition to the variety of other care issues facing her (and me).

I can quite honestly say I always knew it would get worse and more difficult, but I'd be lying if I ever dreamed it would all get so much worse so fast. It's all very troubling. Hopefully we'll still be able to make this work and keep my grandma healthy and happy.

Posted at 11:35 AM

March 1, 2012

In like a lamb ...

Posted at 1:01 PM