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TOO MUCH TO DO!!! Posted at 7:38 PM
Last night I went to a networking meeting in Perrysburg held by BGSU's Alumni Association. There were about a dozen of us alums, and of them all I was the only one unemployed and without a business card - *awkward*. I survived, though, and I was pleased to find a genuinely nice group of people from very varied professions. All were looking for other job opportunities, and none knew of anything that would be promising for me. Everyone was very sympathetic to my position and encouraging, and I appreciated that, but the whole situation - even while I enjoyed the socializing - was a bit of a let-down. Partly I was discouraged to be the only unemployed person at this networking meeting for people looking for new work, but partly also that I had no leads or even hopes of leads, and all that after an hour and a half drive each way. In truth I enjoyed the drive. I always have liked driving, and I haven't had any chance to do more than short trips here and there in town, not for years, so it was nice. But it was a loss of gas and ever-precious time that I'll have to reevaluate when the next networking meeting is announced. I don't want to be dismissive after just one outing, but I need to be sure I'm using all of my time to my best advantage, and I'm still not sure if this did anything for me. On the plus side it was good to see that I could interact easily with a complete group of strangers without feeling awkward. After years of pretty much social isolation I've wondered if I'll still be able to be open, but that didn't seem to be a problem. I guess some things never leave you. Anyhow, today's time spent back at getting stuff ready for the garage sale on Saturday. I've made a lot of progress but there's still much to do. There is just a huge mess of stuff to be sold. I'm not going to even make a dent in this four-hour gig on Saturday, but it will be a start. I think I'll do another sale in three weeks and then another one or two after that in July, maybe even early August. By then hopefully I'll have sold most everything, but if not I'll be looking to make charitable donations. I can use the money from sales desperately, but this is also about reducing the amount of stuff I have that has to be moved to my next apartment. There's a long way to go with that. Posted at 10:46 AM
My mom left this morning to go back to her home in Alabama, and I've been spending the morning organizing some things, making some calls, and tweaking my resume and references. This afternoon I need to work on garage sale stuff that I had stored in the loft of the garage after the last garage sale a few years ago - and which I haven't seen since, and late this afternoon I'm driving to Perrysburg for a networking meeting that's being hosted by the BGSU Alumni folks. This is more geared for employment than the networking meetings I went to more than a dozen years ago when the goal was to expand your business connections, but heck - the times, they ar a' changin'. Hopefully this will give me some good leads or make some good contacts. I'm trying to stay optimistic as much as possible (and while I'm not maintaining that attitude every minute, I'd say I'm doing pretty well all things considered. Posted at 11:16 AM
This heat is unbearable. How am I supposed to be getting things sorted, cleaned, priced, and ready to put out at the upcoming garage sale when it's hot and humid even with the air conditioning running? Hopefully the AC will build up an make things nicer, but a few days ago when I used it under similar conditions in the afternoon it didn't do more than make it tolerable. I know what the problem is - the main, central AC isn't kicking on until higher temps; that's the way I have it set on the thermostat, and it's fine if just a little warm on the first floor. Up here on the second floor, though, where it always gets much hotter, the wall and window air conditioner alone can keep up but not ever make the place pleasant or actually cool; it takes the one duct from the main AC to do it (and the greater cooling of the first floor helps, too, by keeping what hotter air is down there from rising up here. And another part of the problem is I haven't been running the AC until at least late morning or mid afternoon on the days I've been running it at all. I've tried to just use open windows and fans to draw a cool breeze and keep things bearable, but with no breeze and ninety-plus temps, today calls for AC, and we're likely to be seeing this more of the time now. If I'd run the AC constantly, nighttime as well, then it could catch up and even get cool, to the point of being cool in the morning but balancing out as the day progressed, and being comfortable all day. That's what I'll have to do now, I suppose. I've just been pleased at being able to keep the costs down by not using the AC. I guess I'll just have to be satisfied that I held off as long as I did and kept the costs low for a month. It's not like it's my money anyhow since my mom's now covering the electric costs, but I don't like to waste anything if I don't have to. Okay, time for me to get down and put my soapbox away. Posted at 11:05 AM
I have whole list of things I want/need to be doing starting yesterday but not enough time to work on all o f them. It's certainly possible to prioritize and focus on certain things first, just as I've done with my resume and related issues, but other things need to be done as well, and they keep getting put off. There's a neighborhood garage sale next weekend that I'd very much like to be part of, yet I have done nothing so far to get things going. Granted, I have a few collections of items I've set aside of the past few years for garage sales, so there's a base to start from, but even that stuff needs to be dusted, priced, and I have to figure out ways to make tables and stands for everything. And that would just be a start considering how much of my own and my grandma's stuff I want/need to go through. A number of items to be sold would be better sold on eBay as well since they'll bring me more return, so I need to sort out which items fit that bill and then somehow engineer time to get all of that stuff posted for sale. I want/need to update my website at least to fix broken links, update recommendations, and add updated contact info for Twitter and such. Those are just the tip of the iceberg. Clearly I'll need to be spending a lot of time in the job search, but there's so much more to do - and once I have a job I'm likely to need to move, so I'll need to pack and find a place to live ... It looks like for a fair while I'll have much more that needs to be done than I can work on at any given time. The difficulty will be juggling in some down time. The past three days in particular I've worked far into the night, going to bed only shortly after shutting down my computer from working on my resume or similar items needed for the job search. A good, solid day of work is fine, but working every waking hour that you're not eating or in the bathroom is not fine - not at all. I need to find balance - or find a time machine. Right now neither seems available, however. I hope that will change. Posted at 10:12 AM
I'll spend some time today tweaking it, but I pretty much finished making a new resume last night - new content, new format, new emphasis, and much more to the point. Hopefully this will show my strengths and get me into the door. If I can get interviews I'm much more confident about getting a job; it's likely to be very common that I'll send off resumes and never hear anything back at all - at least from a lot of places. Hopefully the new resume will minimize that. A new style and base for a cover letter is needed as well, and I'll delve into that today, along with updating a usable list of references. That will have me set to start applying places. And I've given in and updated my Facebook page and my Twitter account. I also made a LinkedIn page. All of these will hopefully help me to make contacts and get some good leads, hopefully something that will lead to work. We'll see. Posted at 9:56 AM
I am incensed. This morning while casually discussing how I was trying to rework my resume, specifically my recent work experience as caregiver, my mom said to just say that my grandma offered me a place to live while I went to school and I took it and that developed into more as time passed. I casually but promptly corrected her that I did not come here for a place to live nor to make it possible to go to college - I'd been doing that for over three years before I even considered moving here - and furthermore I'd not come because grandma invited me but because I offered to come because my parents were moving to Florida and my grandma felt (rightly so) that she was being given no other choice but to sell her house and move with them. I didn't have to make the offer, and I certainly didn't need to make the offer. In fact it was honestly much to my detriment to come, making for a long commute, dragging out my number of semesters in college and making it impossible to complete my thesis until much later, thereby making it impossible to go to grad school - even making my GRE scores now worthless since they're over five years old. I lost more money here commuting than I would have spent paying $235 a month utilities included for my rent-controlled rooms in the Collingwood Arts Center, and I lost untold income from wage income that I would have been earning and a job I would have had before the Great Recession even started. None of this even begins to mention the distancing and loss of friends I suffered or the impossibility of any kind of close or romantic relationship. I gave up everything because my grandma needed someone to look out for her, because it was the right thing to do. I didn't do it for any personal gain - far from it, in fact - and while I didn't expect praise for what I was doing -or- praise for all I'd sacrificed, I certainly didn't expect to have people think the exact opposite of what I'd done, as though I were some selfish, self-interested leech. I was simply correcting my mom at first, but I rapidly got louder, angrier, and more frustrated as she repeatedly kept trying to assure me I had come because I couldn't live in the Arts Center any longer because they were remodeling and that I did come to go to college. Simple details from my transcripts could confirm I was in college well before this, and a call to anyone at the Arts Center would easily show they have been continuously open since they started in the eighties. And why should I have to defend myself like this when I'm the one that lived these things? My mother refused to see how any of this could possibly be insulting or offensive to me, and despite my attempts to clarify that for her she continued to hold that I benefited more from coming here to care for my grandma than if I'd lived my own life and moved it forward. I have faced this same sort of attitude the whole time I've been here, from my sister - who seems to have come to accept that there was more to my coming here than she originally appreciated; from my mom - who I'd though until now had like my sister reassessed her original ideas; and from my grandma's friends, doctors, and acquaintances who invariably would ask me, "What do you do?" or "Where do you work?" and who clearly thought I was a freeloader when I told them I was caring for my grandmother and the house and yard and I couldn't leave her alone in long enough stretches to work. It was always at least a little smirk or 'knowing glance' or even an outright, "But surely you could work!" It has never gotten any less untenable even after a decade of the same thing. If anything I am even more furious with people who judge me like this than I ever was at the start. And so now I am furious at my mother, and I would still be furious with her even if she apologized and saw the error of her thinking. In that case I might wind down from my anger in time, but as it stands now, with my mother still thinking she's right about all of this, I only get more and more angry by the second. Honestly, I have enough shit to deal with right now without having to endure a blinding rage at the injustice of self-righteous idiots. Posted at 11:16 AM
One more visit today to the County Building and the City Building and we'll have everything done that can be done. A couple of things have to have forms filled out and sent in, but those forms are being mailed (and to my mom's home in Alabama), and a few things are just waiting to be received by mail to show confirmation or return of credit due. So that much is now done as well. This afternoon I'm set to meet with the chair of the Placement Program at the BGSU Alumni Center. At a minimum I should get some sound advice about how to update my resume to be more contemporary in style and to point out my strengths. Ideally I'll also get some help in the actual job search itself and hopefully some useful advice about how to go into job searching. I've been working (outside of around the house) since I was twelve, and I've never had trouble getting a job. However I've also never had to pretty much start from scratch like now, and I haven't ever had this bad of an economy or unemployment situation facing me either; and I've never been in my forties when looking for a job either, and I fear that may just be yet another detraction from what I have to offer. I'm getting a bit more depressed each passing day as I've drawn closer to having to start the job search, and I haven't even had any rejections yet! And helping take care of funeral arrangements and closing all estate issues has made me feel helpful and useful, but it has also allowed me to focus on those things more than what has to come next for me. It's scary, and possibly even worse than worry about whether I'll get a job is worrying about what happens when I do get one. I've been to some extent my own boss for years now, and even more recently when my grandma's care has been stressful and more constant, I've still had some degree of freedom to do my thing. In my mind I know that I could possibly have even more freedom of time and opportunity now that I'm not either actively working or 'on-call' twenty-four hours a day seven days a week, but that doesn't help. And even though my mom insists I stay in the house until I can find work, that doesn't make me fear the possibility of impending homelessness and less. Fear and paranoia are ramping up when my depression gets worse, and it's rough, and I know realistically that I'm not just going to fall into something right away. It's going to take time and I'm going to likely get further and further depressed as time passes. For now I'm trying. I'm making efforts to contact people, network, and reach for any help I can. That's the best I can do right now. Hopefully it will pay off. Posted at 10:47 AM
My mom and I have spent the past two days making all sorts of calls and running from office to office to close out or transfer all of my grandma's various assets, accounts, utilities, and so forth, all while setting up or transferring new accounts into my mom's name. While there have been a lot of contacts to be made - and often redirected contacts from the first or second contacts - things have generally gone pretty smoothly. Right now we have everything done that can be completed without certain simple forms from a lawyer, and we're set to see the lawyer in less than a half hour. I'm not optimistic that we'll get the three or four documents we'll need right away today - even though it sounds like it will clearly be the secretary filling in simple forms more than the attorney doing anything - but hopefully we'll get everything by maybe tomorrow so that we can work at finishing up the last of these details. My mom wants to return to her home in Alabama starting Tuesday morning, so we've still got a little time. It's still a bit more work, but soon this phase of things, too, will be over. Then we move to the next phase. Posted at 9:40 AM
I find that despite his conservative leanings and my own quite liberal leanings, I often agree with Andrew Sullivan or at least respect his opinion even when I disagree, but his position on the Dharun Ravi case has shocked and angered me, and his recent post about the extremely minimal sentencing has outraged me. He is not alone in his feelings that Ravi should not be punished as if he was directly involved in Tyler Clementi's death, and I agree with that in principle. (Check out this article at Pam's House Blend for a better overview of opinions on the sentencing). The fact of the matter, however, was that Ravi was not tried for murder nor did he receive a sentence of 25 to life as he would have for murder. He was tried for a large number of very specific crimes, all with excessive evidence as proof and all with convictions by a jury of his peers. Andrew is wrong both in feeling that Ravi was convicted for Clementi's death and wrong that a 30-day term in jail plus probation and community service were enough of a sentence and that justice was served. Had Tyler Clementi not committed suicide as a result of Ravi's actions, the crimes Ravi committed would still have been proven by the evidence, he still would have been convicted of those crimes, and he should have been sentenced appropriately for those crimes. The fact that Andrew and others - including the sentencing judge - felt that he was convicted because Clementi likely killed himself because of what Ravi did is irrelevant because this was not a murder trial; there were no counts of murder among the allegations. Instead of seeing that Ravi wasn't punished for something he didn't do (murder), Ravi is instead given a free pass for all that he did do. He pays no penalty for breaking the law; he pays no penalty for causing harm to various other people (even if you set the death of Clementi aside this would still hold); and worst of all he sends a message to bullies, bigots, and just downright bastards that any kind of abuse against others is obviously okay because even when it's national news for months you won't have to pay a price for what you've done. Lost within the coverage of this sentencing as well is the fact that this sort of slap-on-the-wrist sentencing is all-too-common in cases where the victim (of any kind of crime) is gay. The perpetrator gets away with a commuted sentence or an absurdly minimal sentence that's far below minimum standards for such cases. If such a case was held for a more accepted minority victim, however, someone Hispanic or black or white with a racially opposite perpetrator, someone Jewish or Amish with a Muslim or Protestant perpetrator, or someone female with a male perpetrator - then you would see not only stiffer sentencing but also widespread outrage if the sentencing were minor, such as in this case. Make it a gay victim at the hands of a straight perpetrator and odds are that the sentencing will be a joke - worse than a joke even, a travesty. What kind of justice system do we have when a man convicted of a great number of crimes with solid evidence, unanimously found guilty by a jury of his peers, gets a lesser sentence than a man might get for public intoxication or some other minor crime? Andrew Sullivan is wrong about every aspect of this case, and he should be ashamed of himself for cheering such deplorable results. Posted at 1:18 PM
It's hot, I'm starting a portion-controlled diet, and I'll be working all day with my my trying to get beaurocrats to close out and transfer my grandma's savings, investments, insurances, and utilities. Fun times. Posted at 9:30 AM
I slept longer last night than I have in weeks, and it was long overdue. Yesterday, rather than being a chance to sit back and relax after the franticly busy and emotional events of the past week, instead ended up being a whole day of straightening up, putting things away, cleaning, laundering, updating things on the computer, and outlining all of the things that my mom and I need to do starting Monday. I did get a chance, in the evening, to watch some TV shows on the computer that I'd missed last week, but I didn't even catch up on all of them. In the end I was just dead tired yesterday, and I really had planned to take it easy and rest myself, mind, body, and soul. Hopefully today I can go back to the original objective and just rest. The little extra sleep last night helped, but I am still just wrung-out tired. With a lot to do starting tomorrow, I really do want to just vegetate today. Posted at 10:41 AM
My mom is still here but everyone else packed up and left this morning. My mom will still be here for a couple weeks or more to resolve things, and while we'll have a number of things to do, we'll have a fairly relaxed weekend before we get into any of that. A less stressful day or two will be welcomed. Posted at 11:17 AM
My grandmother's funeral was this morning. It was a nice ceremony, and my brother-in-law played two trumpet numbers, my niece read the 23rd Psalm and an old Gaelic poem, and my nephew sang How Great Thou Art. My grandma would have been overjoyed with the service. I've only just now been ab;le to sit for a moment, the past two days being quite full. I still have more to do today to wind things up, but then my sister and her family will drive home tomorrow, and I'll be able to wind down a bit and relax. Next week will bring new work transitioning my grandma's estate to my mom, but that should move along ion many ways easier than all that had to be done this week. I'm going to miss m y grandma terribly, but she's at peace now, and that makes up for any sadness. Posted at 3:37 PM
The viewing will be this afternoon. I bought a new all-black outfit last night so that I could look good and proper for my grandma's last hurrahs, and I think everything is now prepared for. My sister should be returning any time now with her husband and my nephew and niece, and we've made contact with what little exten ded family there is on my grandma's side of the family and a few of those people will arrive today as well. I'm growing more solemn today as the minutes pass, but we've been telling great stories about my grandma since the moment of her passing, and we've truly been abl;e to celebrate and enjoy the truly wonderful life she lived and shared. Yes, she will be missed, but she left us all with so much that there's really no room for sadness with so many wonderful memories. Posted at 10:56 AM
It's only just Noon and already we've been busy completing a bunch of tasks to have everything ready for the funeral. There's still more to do yet this afternoon and evening, but then we should be set - which is a good thing since the rest of the family arrives tomorrow, the viewing is tom orrow, and the funeral is Friday, and then my sister's whole family heads back to Maryland Saturday. It won't be chaos, but it will be a busy (and emotional) rest of the week. Posted at 12:10 PM
My grandma died last night. My mother and I were visiting with my grandma at Providence Care Center when my sister got into town. She had driven from her home in Maryland and came straight to the center, and we let her in around a quarter to nine. We spoke briefly and my sister went to stand in front of my grandma, leaned down, and just as she was about to speak my grandma opened her eyes for the first time all day. My sister spoke to her, then my mom moved in front of her and spoke, and then me. After all three of us had spoken her breaths slowed even more than the already very shallow breaths she'd had all day, and within a minute she was gone, just faded away. She was very peaceful, and I'm quite sure she had been holding on until we were all together with her before she let go. While last night was difficult for all of us, we weathered it well and were already reminiscing - remembering the good life my grandmother had lived. Today, amidst more celebratory memories of her life, we have been running around like crazy to make arrangements for her funeral, burial, obituary, and more. Much of this was already arranged and paid for years ago, yet there's still heaps to do. It's good to be kept busy in a way, but it's almost too much along with everything else. The viewing is set for Thursday from 4-7 PM and the funeral will be Friday at 10:30 AM in her church, Trinity United Methodist. There's a lot to do before then, and in some ways even more to do afterward, at least for me. It's going to be an insane month. Posted at 5:04 PM
My grandma's breathing is quite shallow and moist but she's soldiering on. Still, it's not likely to be much longer before she gives up. We got called at 5 AM last night with concerns about her breathing and a belief she would fade fast, but she's still going. There's really no predicating things at all, but it seems hard to believe she will last long since she keeps slowing down further and further. Fortunately with care and a couple medications she seems quite comfortable and peaceful and she's slept all day today so far without waking. I feel more awkward and anxious than ever now, and it's a crazy feeling. I soldier on as well. Posted at 1:52 PM
I don't like thinking about the past - missing the good moments and being depressed by the bad moments. I don't like looking to the future with it's complete uncertainty and likely great difficulties and struggles. And I don't like having to think about the present which is currently so unpredictable, so emotionally up and down, and so filled with anxieties. No point in time holds any comfort or hope. How am I supposed to deal with that? Posted at 8:55 AM
Once again my grandma seems to have weathered difficulties that would finish off anyone else her age. I don't know how much of this inner strength she still has, but she once again amazes me with her ability to rebound from such hardships. Things are very up in the air, and the increased uncertainty makes me more anxious and freaked out than ever. I have no idea how to deal with any of this. Posted at 10:03 AM
The moment we stepped into my grandma's room yesterday you could tell she was having difficulty breathing, struggling to breathe over a buildup in her throat. I got the nurse immediately, but my grandma had clearly been struggling for a while - as her blue fingertips showed. Suctioning her mouth only got a little out, the worst being in her throat, so we set off for the Emergency Room again. At the ER they were able to steady her breathing a bit, but the ER doctor, ER nurse, and my grandma's GP all felt she was not likely to make it through the night short of putting her on a ventilator to breath for her. That sort of thing was against my grandma's wishes, so we refused a ventilator, but we went back to Providence Care Center with just a slightly higher level of oxygen and my grandma still struggling. Hospice - which we had planning to bring into place when we brought my grandma home in a week and a half - got called in following my grandma's return, and they were able to monitor her better and make sure she was comfortable. At the time and considering how much of a struggle she was having breathing, I didn't expect my grandma would make it through the night, but come this morning and she is resting peacefully and breathing without any difficulty. Hospice is still at her side - and have been wonderful - but my grandma seems like yesterday never happened. Still, it looks quite clearly like her body is reaching the end, and my grandma isn't likely to have many days left. This is all very upsetting and is filling me with anxiety, but it's also very difficult to have any idea what to expect. It's quite hard to deal with this in any useful or practical manner, and I'm getting exhausted from every minute of the day. And if I'm this exhausted, how drained must my grandma be? Posted at 2:30 PM
The past four nights I've fallen soundly asleep only to wake up a few hours later and then sleep fitfully at best (and lay with my eyes closed hoping for sleep to come at worst). I've been plenty tired enough to sleep, but it just won't come, and then I'm quite tired all through the day. I haven't had good solid nights of sleep for a while, but usually it's just waking up two or five times a night, maybe getting up to pee, and then going back to sleep. This is different, though - not particularly insomnia it doesn't seem to me, but not fa off. Whatever it is though - and it's surely a reaction to my emotional state - it's doing me no good physically. I hope I don't have this once my grandma is back home or I'll be truly exhausted during the daytime. Posted at 9:44 AM
A good Stilton can make things seem better, even if only for a brief moment. Posted at 2:11 PM
How can it be this difficult to try to arrange for a home heath aide who only needs to work overnight and turn the patient once every two hours? How much is that to ask for $20 an hour? Posted at 4:56 PM
My mom arrived last night, starting a longer-than-usual stay a we make arrangements to bring my grandma back home with support from the local hospice. There's a lot to arrange and even more to do once we have her back, so the rest of this month will likely be cray busy and quite tiring (as if I haven't been exhausted enough already). Largely I'm feeling a sense of dread about the whole thing because it will be much more difficult than ever before, and I've had just enough time away from caring for my grandma for it to almost seem like something new and unknown. And on top of all of that - as much as I don't want to face it - is the fact that we're bringing her home knowing that she's heading toward her final days. There is no part of this that holds comforting thoughts. None of this is like anything I ever imagined when I offered to move to Sandusky so my grandma could stay in her house. Even though I thought about what would happen as she became older and more infirm; even though I faced the possibilities of a stroke or some other debilitating or life-ending trauma; still I never foresaw anything like the current situation. It's just as well I didn't for my sanity in the past ... but it makes the present no easier to accept. Posted at 2:45 PM
I feel old. Posted at 9:27 AM
Oh good, the overbearing heat and humidity are gone (for now at least). Now I only have sleep deprivation, tortuous migraines, muscle spasms, and overwhelming depression. So much better. Posted at 9:49 AM
Posted at 8:52 AM
Yes, clearly severe depression, pounding migraines, and repeated muscle spasms aren't enough. Without insufferably hot and humid weather with no air conditioning, how can you truly be utterly miserable? Posted at 2:04 PM
Misery - the new standard. Posted at 12:32 PM
Jurry would have been fifty-one today and more wise than ever. I could use his counsel now more than ever, and for that and so much more I miss him beyond words. Posted at 10:56 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © May 2012
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May 31, 2012
