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| message board October 2012
I have never in my life seen so much rain during the Fall, and it's not just from Hurricane Sandy - it's been raining pretty much daily for weeks and shows no sign of letting up. Strange. Posted at 10:25 AM
"Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble" sounds this year like an observation of Hurricane Sandy. Posted at 10:18 AM
Stormy weather does not make me feel fine. Posted at 10:05 AM
If only "now news is good news" had any truth to it. Posted at 10:06 AM
Is life this depressing and hopeless to everyone or is it just me? How can it be different? Maybe other people can just accept life being shit or maybe they somehow have learned to cope better than I. More likely they have the ability to delude themselves into not seeing the horrors of this life or - like I did for the first thirty years of my life they can endure the pain and suffering and terrible nature of this life by telling themselves it "will get better once 'x' happens" or "one you have 'x'" or somehow just magically when you "reach the age of 'x'". Of course that is the epitome of delusional as I've long since learned, but I don't doubt that's how many people survive, just like I did. But the other possibility is that it isn't like this for everyone, that my life is shitty and abominable but others - for some reason luckier souls than I - lead wonderful lives without much if any trouble. Basic observation seems to suggest this is the way of things, but logically I still can't understand why it should simply boil down to 'luck' and have nothing to do with self-determination or personal effort or good works. If it all just boils down to magically being lucky or unlucky then it seems even worse to me than if the world is simply a miserable hell hole for everyone whether they consciously accept that or not. If it's just good for the 'lucky' few and nothing can change that then the arbitrary nature of selection makes it all even more monstrous than a world of universal suffering. Posted at 10:11 AM
I manage to convince myself to do much-hated yard work and it rains not long after I get out of bed despite the forecast saying the rain wouldn't come until at least evening. Why am I surprised? Posted at 9:31 AM
Less is more; more is less; nothing is ever quite as much or as little as you want or need. Posted at 10:45 AM
I woke up in the middle of the night, and during the few moments while I got up and went to the bathroom I had an epiphany, and I thought, "I need to write that in my Journal tomorrow morning." Here I am now, making this Journal entry, telling you how I had this epiphany, but I'll be damned if I can remember even a word of it. How frustrating is that? And how like my life is that that a powerful insight is lost to me before I can make practical use of it. Posted at 11:14 AM
Fuzzy-headed. Posted at 11:13 AM
Down. Posted at 10:32 AM
Leftover food fail. Blagghhh. Posted at 10:39 AM
My mom left early this morning, back to Florida. I enjoyed the visit. It was nice to talk to someone, and she caught me during a break from the stronger depression I'd had the previous two weeks, so that worked out well also, My mon was good, too, about not harping about the lack of a job or my approach to applying for jobs (which has been an upsetting part of some calls over the past few months). I still felt bad, even guilty, about not having a job yet, but I can't make people call me for interviews (sadly), so I'm stuck where I am and can only keep trying. For whatever reason there were not as many jobs posted online or in the newspapers as usual, so the number of jobs to apply for was even lower than normal. Hopefully things will swing back a bit more toward normal next week and there will be more jobs posted to balance things out and hopefully give me more opportunities. We'll see. I'm becoming convinced to some degree that my best hope may lie in getting certified and/or getting into grad school to develop a career in teaching, but both of those possibilities require applications, testing, applying, and getting accepted in one form or another, all of which is possible but will take time. I'm pursuing all of those lines of possibility, but I need to be patient and face having to wait. So it's back to just me at the house. And it's back to just me desperately searching for a job. Can I catch a break sometime soon? Please? Posted at 10:34 AM
Why? Posted at 10:39 AM
Things happen too fast or too slowly.
Posted at 9:46 AM
Good gravy but I lead a boring life. Posted at 10:24 AM
My mom arrived late yesterday afternoon for a short visit through this week. It's nice to see her and nice to talk to someone, but I feel guilty every time I look at her because I haven't got a job yet. Granted, it's not as if I'm not trying because I am, but I feel guilty for failing. And she has been generous to let me stay here rent and utility free (well most utilities), and I certainly can't thank her enough - unless it would be to get a job and move out so that she could cut back her expenses. But that doesn't yet seem to be happening ... Posted at 10:45 AM
How sad that humanity is anything but humane. Posted at 10:03 AM
It is impossible for me to look further ahead than one day into the future. I thought my lack of stability and inability to plan for future events or to set goals was bad when I was caring for my grandma, but that was easy compared to this. This is no way to live. Posted at 10:13 AM
Why des everyone think I'm lazing around, sleeping in late, lounging on the couch, not making much if any effort at finding a job, and blowing off my anxiety, frustration, and depression about this lack of responses as though it's just me making excuses? I may not be exhausted from the daily job searches, but I'm putting in hours upon hours at this every day without fail. Even though I should be utterly depressed at the complete lack of response I keep trying. I try to think of new ways to approach the situation, new jobs to look for, and different ways to present myself, but the it doesn't make a difference and no matter how frustrated I get at not figuring out a way to get a job I still keep trying. You wouldn't know I was doing any of these things, though, when someone else is talking to me. The constant, "YOu still don't have anything yet," or "Why haven't you tried *fill-in-the-blank*" which is something I have already tried, or the "You need to lower your expectations," even though my expectations are that I'm going to end up homeless and broke and living in an alley at the rate things are going, or "You need to get any job, and then you'll hear about other jobs," which is a completely idiotic thing to say since, 1) if I could get any job I would but that isn't happening, and 2) why would anyone think that other jobs would be talked about among employees or from customer to employee when people are desperate to get a new job all around - both the unemployed and the currently employed, and none of them are likely to share any opportunity when they could take it for themselves or their family or friends. I don't expect applause for my inability to find work, and I don't even expect cheers for my diligence and perseverance, but I certainly don't need the shit I get of people acting like I'm not trying or I'm just lazing around. It's bad enough I don't get any support or encouragement, but I certainly don't need demeaning comments, no matter how they might be intended. <rant ends> Posted at 10:22 AM
Happy birthday, godson. Posted at 9:01 AM
It's so cold outside that even though the skies are completely clear and sunny the grass is still wet from overnight. I don't jump at the chance to do yard work in the first place, but I certainly don't want to have to wait all day to do it either. Posted at 11:12 AM
Cold. Posted at 10:26 AM
A chicken running around with its head cut off accomplishes more than me. Posted at 10:24 AM
Whenever things have been at their worst I've always been left to face things on my own and find a way out, and somehow I always did. The difference between those times and now is that I had hope that the future would be better, that things could be improved, turned around - that dreams could come true, at least in part. But now this jaded cynic has no hope and has a lifetime of world experiences upon which to base his expectations, and the simple truth is I see no point in anything. The one person I loved more than anything is dead along with countless others who have also died too young and even my grandma who, while she did live a long life, was the most loved member of my family. Others have disappeared - often intentionally - from my life, discarding years of my support, encouragement, and trust. I've been screwed over by friends and family alike in business, charity, and personal affairs. I've had incredible hard work through long hours cast aside by employers and others as if I had merely been a slacker allowing others to make things happen - and then seeing things fall apart in those places I had been when I moved on to another job or a different place to live. The inevitable is being alone, unappreciated, jobless, essentially homeless (although I am grateful to - at least for the moment - have a roof over my head) and having nothing to show for a life of hard work, reaching out, helping, loving, caring, and dreaming. And here I am. Even though I can look back upon my life as not a total loss and see some good I did, some help I gave, some enrichment I offered, it's impossible to see where any of it got me ... and it's impossible to see where it could make my life any more endurable even if I still had any hope that I have anything to offer to make the world a better place even in the slightest. I wish I could make a difference - and it still seems to me like I should be able to just based upon common sense - but experience has taught me that there's just nothing I'm going to do that will make one bit of difference during the rest of my life ... and I'm miserable, so why even try if there's nothing to come from the pain and effort? I do still actively search for a job, a future, a place to move to and live, but only so that I won't be here where clearly I'm seen as a burden, having my mother cover extra expenses for utilities and support of me while I'm here. I have no real hopes for anything, but a job to make enough to get by and get out of here so I wouldn't be a drain on anyone else would be good - but I can't even manage that. Yes, I'm depressed - clinically depressed - but it's more than that. I lost my will to live a long time ago, after my nervous breakdown, and it's never gotten any better. While my grandma was alive I had a purpose and a promise to fulfill, but now what is there? Nothing, that's what.And what could there be? Nothing that I can tell, I can tell you that much. I could hope for some miracle or for some help from somewhere - I am theDreamer after all - but that's never been any help before and it certainly isn't going to be any different now I'm sure. So I just live day to day waiting for death to finally come, but that could be a long time, and in the meantime I'm just taking up space and burning resources and money. And for what? Nothing that I can see. Posted at 10:30 AM
End suffering. Posted at 10:47 AM
Happy birthday, sis. Posted at 10:42 AM
Why can't I just die already. Posted at 10:31 AM
10-4 good buddy. Posted at 10:35 AM
This sort of sentiment used to seem to me not only possible but imperative. Now, hopeless, I read this with sad eyes and fear it is fantasy. Posted at 10:33 AM
Sinking. Posted at 10:31 AM
New month; same shit. Posted at 1:38 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © October 2012
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October 31, 2012
