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| message board April 2013
Sigh. Posted at 9:24 AM
This has to be amusing to someone, I suppose. Posted at 10:16 AM
The sky is crying. Posted at 10:27 AM
My sister, yesterday, pointed out how much of a failure I've been at finding a job and at life in general, and after feeling upset, at times angry and at times sad, and discussing what she had said with my mom while she was still here (she headed for home earlier this morning), I'm left feeling incredibly depressed but clear on the way things are. I am a failure at this, I have been far too often a failure in my life, and my prospects for the future are likely the be the same of worse. My mother has been a saint, allowing me to stay in this house and covering utilities and even sending some money for groceries, and I can't thank her enough, but I feel constantly guilty for being in this position, and my sister is right - I shouldn't be here and I shouldn't be doing this to my mom, even though I've never asked for her support I have taken it and welcomed it. Instead I should leave for some where, somehow, with funds that come from who knows where to somehow magically have better job prospects by being somewhere else than I've had here, even though I've applied in all sorts of different cities and states and had no response or outright rejections. But better in a gutter than sponging off my mom, I suppose. Maybe I'm overly dramatic, but there's solid truth in there, and I can't deny I have no forward motion in my life. And let's face it: my hopes to die quickly or win the lottery are both sadly not coming true and are both statistically unlikely (sadly). I wish I had the strength to just put an end to this for everyone, but I've known for most of my life that I don't have the courage to commit suicide. Sad but true. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and couldn't stop thinking about all of this, and I feel even more lost than I have in my efforts to secure a job. I've tried and tried to get a job despite the fruitlessness of the whole endeavor, but I've at least had ideas on how to go about that. Now, facing having to leave here and start my life from scratch once again, I don't have a clue how to do that in any way that doesn't quickly just lead to me being homeless and starving, living in my car. Too dramatic? Not really. I have no idea how to make things work that haven't worked for the past year, but now I have to make gold out of lead and find a different place to do that from. The sad truth is that I wouldn't be in this position or have any of these problems if I'd never come here to care for my grandma and make it possible for her to stay in her home. I still don't regret doing that - in fact I think it's one of the best things I did in my life - but it's nonetheless true that no good deed goes unpunished, and I'm certainly getting my punishment for a decade-long good deed. Life and the universe are shitty that way; if you're not a selfish bastard (or bitch) that fucks people over to get ahead then you don't succeed and get shit upon and left to die. That's what you get for doing good deeds and trying to make the world a better place. So as Homer Simpson once said, "The lesson is: don't try." Posted at 10:54 AM
Yesterday my mom and I rearranged the living room furniture in a way that's never been done before. It would have been something my grandmother would have both been shocked by and loved at the same time. It's very different than it ever was since my grandmother owned the house, but it's still in her style - and quite novel in being different after all of these years. My mom and I went out to dinner with family friends from the neighborhood at a new neighborhood with wood-oven pizzas and sandwiches - all of what we had being delicious. So we had our work and our play, and the day was pretty full between the two . Posted at 1:52 PM
My mom and I replanted a bunch of plants on the first floor, what had been my grandma's plants, and we are both amazed at how much better they look. It's a good thing they do, though, because I got completely covered in sap and dirt in the process, and it was an ordeal to scrub myself clean afterward. Posted at 9:59 AM
I'm a bit achy, but at least I got the yardwork done yesterday. With the rain that's come today and is expected tomorrow I expect I'll be mowing again soon, but at least I won't have to edge, mow, weed, clean out dead leaves, rake, put down herbicide, or spray for bugs for quite a while. Hurrah for small victories. Posted at 10:32 AM
I spent a long afternoon doing much-hated yardwork (and still have more to do!), but my mom took me out for a fantastic Mexican dinner, and the good food almost made up for my aches and pains. Posted at 9:47 AM
Aching head. Oh boy! Posted at 10:37 AM
My mom arrived last night for a visit. She has a new puppy that likes to bark whenever it's not chewing something to shreds - and she pees if you hold her (the dog, not my mom). This should be an interesting week. Posted at 10:20 AM
I hate it when I wake up in the middle of the night and get stuck thinking so hard about something that I don't even want to think about that I can't go back to sleep. And then it's eventually just about the time I wanted to get up anyway so I give up, get up, and have to live with less than a full night of sleep. and why? It's not like I accomplished anything. Posted at 9:44 AM
Whee. Posted at 10:15 AM
I'm getting frustrated with everything, and this is making me sometimes angry. Angry for me is bad; it's something I've fought hard my whole life to shut down lest I become my father, miserable human being that he is, was, and ever will be. I have succeeded very well most of my life at not being that person, but my frustration is so high that it's difficult. I find myself snapping at commercials, yelling at idiotic political commentary on TV, and getting angry at every article I read about people blaming poor and disenfranchised people for their problems, problems like having to pay more taxes than they expected on their two million dollar income (Seriously? I mean really? You make two million bucks and have to pay your share of taxes and you blame people that are struggling to survive and feed their families because they got a hundred bucks in food stamps?) I don't want to be an angry person. I won't be. I simply won't. Posted at 10:16 AM
Oh where, oh where has my little job gone? Oh where, oh where can it be? Posted at 10:16 AM
The world in Logan's Run may have been on to something ... Posted at 9:58 AM
Life is like a hemmeroid - tolerable most of the time even while unrelentingly uncomfortable, and at times excruciatingly painful no matter what you do to fix it or even simply just avoid aggravating it. Posted at 9:48 AM
I hate cleaning. It's strange because I am obsessive compulsive about things being in their place, but dusting, scrubbing, cleaning, and polishing are not generally on my priority list. As a result I end up faced with a huge cleaning job whenever company is expected, as is the case now with my mother expected in six days (and usually I'd be doing (or putting off) the cleaning until the very last moment available, so this time is exceptional ... except that I've only cleaned the second floor, my floor, which while arguably multiple times worse than the first floor or basement still is just one-third of the square footage of the house. So sadly I still have much more to do - just not in as much of an extreme. My friends have throughout my life joked and abused me about being a clean-freak, and they have never listened when I've tried to straighten them out nor have they ever paid attention to layers of dust on tabletops or rings of scum and mildew in the bathroom tub and sometimes sink. I suppose compared to some people I know who are clean but horribly disorganized - with clothes and keys and papers left hither and thither and with dirty dishes stacked next to the sink - that the less cluttered and/or chaotic vision I present is a work of great effort and is much more clean than their homes, but that's not the case. Certainly I've put in no more work; I simply put things away when I'm done or use as few dishes as possible and wash each out as I finish it, so I put in less effort really than they do using things, dropping them wherever, having to pick them up later and sort them out and occasionally having to spend all sorts of time looking for something that's probably right in front of them but under a recent stack of bills. And in truth their homes are usually dusted and bathrooms sparkling (even if the towels are on the floor or over the shower bar), and they are therefore living in a much cleaner environment than I am. I enjoy a clean house too - the sparkle, the smooth appearance, the better feel, and my allergies are less severe - but I'm just averse to cleaning, so much so that that aversion wins out the vast majority of the time. If I were rich (or at least doing well) I would surely pay a service to clean regularly, and they would have time to do a great job since there wouldn't be things to pick up and put away, giving them more time for the actual cleaning. But I'm not doing well financially, so here we are. And why you would want to know any of this I have no idea. Posted at 12:03 PM
I feel so tired this past week - not to the extent that I'm falling asleep whenever I sit down (although I haven't made it through the 11 PM showing of the Daily Show in a long time without falling asleep in bed before it's over) - and I don't know what's up. It could be the cold, damp weather and/or the overcast dark days; it could be that I've been doing cleaning and organizing projects around the house in advance of my mother visiting in a week; it could be me getting old; or it may be something else - Who knows? I am tired and somewhat achy and sporting a dull headache that won't leave. It's hard to be motivated and almost impossible to be happy or even contented. Whatever is causing this could change any time now; I've had enough. Posted at 10:04 AM
(If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.) Posted at 9:51 AM
Cold, tired, achy, headachy, ... What exactly is supposed to be so great about getting older? ... and why do I get so much more whiney? Next thing you know I'll be screaming, "Hey! You kids! Get offa my lawn!" Posted at 11:01 AM
Rainy and cold outside with the cold creeping inside, and I'm tired, achy, and still with a strong headache. It doesn't get better than this (sad but true). Posted at 9:51 AM
Hot, cold, hot, cold ... This Spring must be what it feels like to be menopausal. Posted at 10:01 AM
Worst headache in weeks. Why? Hell if I know. Just hoping it goes away ... SOON, please. Posted at 10:05 AM
Apparently I don't even know what the date is. I'm trying to rectify that ... Posted at 10:05 AM
There's got to be a better way. Posted at 10:29 AM
I am saddened that Roger EBert died yesterday. He was a great writer, a great critic, a great supporter of the arts, but most importantly a great human being. Ebert was smart and well-educated but spoke and interacted easily with people from all walks of life. He was compassionate and kind to any person he met, and he went out of his way to encourage others. Most importantly he had a strength the likes of which I will never possess - a strength to face any adversity in life, stare it square in the face, and fight against it until he had won, all without any temerity or reservations. Even as he learned cancer had returned and only one day before that cancer took his life he explained calmly and with a great strength of will that the cancer was found to have returned but he would fight against it again and would be back to full speed soon. Roger Ebert was, to me, a giant of a man, exhibiting the characteristics that engender the best of humanity. He will be missed. Posted at 10:46 AM
I somehow moved the wrong way on a trip down the stairs yesterday, and my right knee wouldn't let me forget it whenever I lifted it bent - lifted straightened was fine; walking was fine; laying down, fine; anything but having the muscles pull on it when it was bent - and while it wasn't an outrageous pain, it was rather significant when it did happen. This sort of thing reminds you how much we take our bodies and every little action for granted, because trying to isolate out a very small subset of movement is really quite a task. This morning, following a solid night's rest, my knee seems much better but not completely back to normal. I still ran into a twinge or two at various times this morning, and I'm most concerned about problems I might face when I go up and down the stairs, but I'll face that soon enough. Hopefully this will clear up in the next day or two. I take for granted having a rather healthy and hearty body (even if out of shape and over-weight), but I appreciate getting back to normal when little problems like this pop up. Posted at 10:12 AM
Why? Posted at 10:12 AM
Posted at 9:59 AM
Woot! I got a job!
(Sadly, this is an April Fool's joke. Somehow it's just not as funny as I'd like to have thought it would be.) Posted at 9:55 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © April 2013
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April 30, 2013
