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| message board March 2013
In like a lamb and now out like a lamb. So much for old sayings. Posted at 10:04 AM
New Doctor Who tonight. At least there's something to look forward to. Posted at 10:21 AM
Doing laundry today. I wish everything were as easy to make clean, fresh, and nice. Posted at 10:13 AM
I ran into a neighbor at the grocery this morning, and I found that when I was talking about my fruitless job search I've gone from being bewildered and depressed about it to feeling embarrassed, crushed, and doomed. It doesn't change the situation any, nor does it mean I will give up, but it's a startling realization that this has gone from a concern to an oppressive thing. As if I don't have enough issues to deal with ... Posted at 11:19 AM
Save me, Jeebus. Posted at 10:44 AM
Down. Posted at 10:19 AM
Wow. If I could translate my current emotional roller coaster of ups and downs, highs and lows, into speeds attainable then I would beat any auto records for zero to sixty on record. Hardly a record I care to shout about. Posted at 11:03 AM
If I win the lottery, get a job offer, receive an inheritance from a previously unknown relative (the only kind of inheritance I'm likely to ever see), or miraculously come across someone I love deeply who feels the same about me ... if any of those things happen, then is when I'll have a huge heart attack that will kill me. That's the way this cosmic joke of a life works. It's all shit except for those rare times when something incredibly, superbly, miraculously wonderful happens ... and then is taken away from me in some manner that I can't do anything to stop. Just having a shitty life on its own wouldn't be bad enough, you see, so the powers that be go one step further to make it seem like something great "can" happen while never really letting me have it after all. Posted at 8:48 AM
It's birthday roundup. This time of year is always rather full: my birthday was Tuesday;, my friend Simon's birthday was yesterday; Thursday is Wallace's birthday; a week from today is my friend Kristina's birthday; the day after that is Drew's birthday; the day after that is Mark's birthday; two days after that is Erik's birthday; two weeks from today os my friend Chris's birthday (the Chris in Florida); two weeks from Wednesday is my friend Paul's birthday; and three weeks from Tuesday is my friend Chris's birthday (the Chris in Chicago). And there are another five birthdays of friends and family in the next three weeks after that. And it's not that I have a lot of friends and family whose birthday's I'm tracking, it's just that the beginning of Spring is a massive concentration of the birthdays of people whose birthdays I do pay attention to. It's a crazy time. Posted at 9:38 AM
My frustration and disappointment at my lack of job prospects is turning to anger - not anything focused or conscious but I am very much finding myself snapping at drivers while I'm driving or getting angry at a stupid TV ad, every time really much more emotion than the situation demands. I am not an angry person nor am I mean or nasty to people. Quite the opposite is true, even when I am depressed or moody I focus my strength to be polite and cheerful to people I meet because honestly anything that is going on with me emotionally is almost invariably not their fault at all. So these bits of unbidden anger are disconcerting and sadly they actually add to my depression because I feel even worse than I felt just based on the original issues. The snowball effect is going strong even though we are now in Spring. Posted at 10:50 AM
Another interview yesterday (based upon an application from seven months ago), and both that one and the one from Monday were both jobs that were to be filled as quickly as possible, yet I've heard nothing from either yet. Am I way too anxious or did I fail to get either job? And if I didn't get either job then what the hell is wrong with me? Posted at 11:22 AM
It may be the first day of Spring, but it's cold and snowing - albeit a light snow with no accumulation. I prefer the cold to the heat, but I do wish that Spring would fully arrive. Posted at 11:08 AM
I grow older day by day, and today the universe forces me to acknowledge it. Forty-six years old and what do I have to show for it? Sure, I have done some good things and sure I have had some small successes, but by and large I could have never existed and the world would have gone unchanged, unimproved. What's the point of being here if you do nothing of any significance? Posted at 11:01 AM
I had my first job interview in the whole nine months I've been looking, and it was for a job I applied for eight months ago. How insane is that? It seemed to go well, but who knows. There were other people to be interviewed so I have to wait and see. But heck, at least finally getting an interview seems like a huge step in the right direction. Now to see what the next step brings. Posted at 1:15 PM
I'm part Irish and yet St. Patrick's Day has meant less and less to me with each passing year. In America this holiday has simply become another excuse to abuse alcohol and let your inhibitions down so you can act like an unbelievable idiot. As a non-drinker there is nothing left of the holiday. Even the parades subtly suggest drinking, and the charm of Irish mythology along with the unparalleled beauty if the Emerald Isle fail to have any part in the celebrations or even the knowledge of Americans on this otherwise very well-known holiday. It's sad. The celebration of Irish heritage - so large a swath of American ancestry - is lost to the drunken revelry that seems to define much of America's celebration of anything, and as such St. Patrick's Day becomes meaningless beyond the drinking. All stereotypical jokes aside, that is most certainly not in any way an appreciation of Ireland or the great struggle s and accomplishments of the Irish immigrants that helped build the United States. Posted at 10:17 AM
Dark days. Posted at 9:45 AM
Caesar was lucky in a way - all of his bad fortune came in one blow, at the Ides of March, following a life of unparalleled good fortune. Yes, he may have died as a result of that bad fortune, but he had a full, successful, fulfilled life. Much better to have that sort of a life than one filled with not extreme but repeated bad fortune and rare and minor good fortune. No real success, no fulfillment, and no real joy or even satisfaction. I hear constantly from various people that, "there's no such thing as luck," but this is invariably from people who have consistently good luck. Luck or fortune or karma - whatever you want to call it - is truly a facet of life. The sad thing is that you can't change it. You're stuck with what you've got, good or bad, and it doesn't matter how good or bad you are, no matter how hard you try or how much you slough off, or how more or less deserving you are than others. Posted at 10:24 AM
Mr. Blue Sky is here, but even the song and the real thing together aren't lifting my spirits today. I'm achy, tired, and thoroughly depressed, and I wonder if this is the way it will always be. Posted at 10:38 AM
How would one know if they went insane, short of someone telling them? Posted at 10:51 AM
My new book: The Purposeless-Drriven Life, a memoir. Posted at 10:40 AM
Missing you more than ever, Ken. Posted at 10:37 AM
I wish this astonishing frankness were shared with all children, not just once but throughout their development. Life is pain, and it is only made worthwhile by those small miracles when we transcend ourselves and become our greatest possible selves - for ourselves and for others. Rather than spinning myths of 'happily ever after', 'the American Dream', and 'if you try hard enough you can get ahead/do anything' we should be teaching children the truth, that life is hard and largely unrewarding ... but it doesn't have to be that way, certainly not all of the time.
Posted at 8:59 AM
Very irregular sleep and sleeplessness last night, and this morning I have incredible aches in my neck and shoulders. The fun just never ends. Posted at 10:30 AM
Why do we teach children - over and over - that there can ever be a 'happily ever after'? Posted at 9:44 AM
Nineteen years. You'd think after this long I'd have adapted to Ken being gone. It's just not that way. As much as I miss my grandma and wish she had lived longer, I still don't miss her like I miss Ken. I still cry often about his absence, and last night I sobbed for I don't know how long in the middle of the night. I miss him so much it's hard to bear. And just like when I first learned he had died, there seems nothing worth living for in this miserable world. I still miss him. I still need him. I still have no idea how to go on without him. I wish it had been me rather than him. Posted at 10:23 AM
Sad. Posted at 10:50 AM
At least I can remember better days, even if they led to all of this. Posted at 10:50 AM
I made the drive out to Elyria to have my car serviced, primarily for a recall about the parking brake but also for an oil change since it's about that time as well a a car wash. It turns out another recall had been issued just recently for the sunroof and that doubled the time I had to be at the dealership waiting. As if that wasn't frustrating enough, after they were done and I'd signed everything I went to dry/wipe down my car from the car wash - even though it's pretty cold - and spent quite a while doing that but with excellent results ... until I saw it again after I'd returned to Sandusky from the highway driving I'd done. Because the air is so lacking in humidity it would appear that my car was charged with static electricity from the wipedown and it attracted every mote of road dust in bizarre patterns all along the car, pretty much negating all of the time and effort I'd put into wiping it down. : ( It's only mid-afternoon and I feel tired. Grumph. Posted at 3:01 PM
So much potential but such immense failure to be great, to do great deeds, or to pursue great dreams. Why is the human race willing to accept the horrors and inequities of this world when we have the technologies, skills, productivity, and resources to transcend all of this and create a perfect society free of hunger, free of pain, free of homelessness, and with productive, full lives for every human being on the planet? Is individual greed and selfishness so paramount that the tragedies of the world can ever be defended let alone supported? I weep not only for the poor and suffering but for the rich and powerful as well, who have somehow blinded themselves to the bonds of humanity and the shared existences that are specifically what makes societies and civilizations. Posted at 10:30 AM
... and then there was that time I was waiting for the phone to ring for an employer to set up an interview ... It's like being in the Twilight Zone. It just feels like this is happening over and over again but it never goes any further ... Posted at 9:25 AM
Why is it so hard or so questionable for people to do the right thing? Posted at 11:22 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © March 2013
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March 31, 2013
