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| message board August 2013
I ache. Posted at 8:41 AM
"It's all good," that's the phrase. Is it meant to be sarcastic, or does it just repeatedly come out that way and the person who said it is oblivious? ... That would mean there are a tremendous number of people who are oblivious ... Posted at 9:35 AM
End it all. Posted at 8:54 AM
If only I had enough courage at any point in my life ... then I wouldn't be in this misery. Posted at 9:47 AM
Blehhh. I'm not making this Journal much to read anymore. Sorry, anybody who might still actually be reading this. Posted at 7:01 AM
The only fear ... is fear of self. Posted at 8:52 AM
The only time this world doesn't suck is when it blows. Posted at 8:06 AM
Nothing changes. Posted at 9:02 AM
Sad. Again. Posted at 9:07 AM
Ohio - and once again Sandusky specifically - are in the news again, showing their disdain for gay people. Continuing one part of a tradition that makes me and millions of others desperate to get away from this state and never come back again (if the article and the incident that spurred it weren't bad enough, the comments to the article show the full, true nature of the horrific people who have been making this state a backwards, unlivable, totolitarianistic state).
Posted at 9:13 AM
Today's headache, while painful, is much more mild than yesterday's crushing, excruciating headache. So it's true. Things do get better. Lucky me. Posted at 9:22 AM
Crushing. Posted at 7:55 AM
Stupid, lucky bluebirds. Posted at 9:19 AM
<Sad> Posted at 9:26 AM
No more pain, please. Posted at 8:19 AM
Why do Republicans so often claim they are doing what they are doing for the children of future generations when they aren't willing to give aid to the children of this generation? Posted at 8:14 AM
I still believe a person should make great efforts to always do the right thing in any given situation, but be forewarned that doing the right thing rarely gives you more than a "warm feeling", and often you will suffer for being a saint. It is easy to see why most people do the selfish thing, the profitable thing, the hurtful thing, the thoughtless thing - there's more in it than just the satisfaction of doing right - generally much more, and much more of a tangible nature. If society placed more value on doing the right thing, on truth, justice, selflessness, charity, humility, self-sacrifice, and compassion for their fellow human beings then it would be different and the good thing, the right thing, would be rewarded. Instead we applaud and reward the selfish, the scheming, the sly, the self-interested, the heartless, and the treacherous and call them shrewd, insightful, self-reliant, dominant, and willing to do what it takes. Society celebrates the darker side of humanity, the aspect of human beings that works directly and powerfully against the entire concepts of community and society. As a result most of humanity is doomed: now, in the future, and for eternity. Humanity deserves extinction. Posted at 10:04 AM
Yes, Erma Bombeck, life is a bowl of cherries: stinking, rotting, putrid cherries that you are forced to eat lest you starve. The pits are the least of your problems. Posted at 9:09 AM
How have we come to this? Posted at 8:54 AM
Lost. Posted at 7:24 AM
There's a 'For Sale' sign in the front yard. My own worries about my future aside, it feels wrong to see this house up for sale, this house that was my grandmothers and her mother's before that, this house that was so much a part of the lives of my whole family for our whole lives, certainly my sisters and my entire lifetimes, my mother's entire lifetime, and well over half of my grandmother's long lifetime. It may be the common practice to move from house to house every few years as circumstances allow, but it seems to me that a to make it truly a home requires more than a couple years of occupancy. Posted at 8:32 AM
So much for the claim of, "We won't put the house on the market for another month or so because so much is going on and we can't come up [to Sandusky] until later." Only slightly later this morning I'll be helping the newly chosen realtor to measure the rooms and take photos which will then be placed into the already-started web page listing the house, and by later today or tomorrow the house will officially be on the market. It's not like this wasn't expected - I clearly knew the house was going to be up for sale - but we've barely been two weeks since I was told about the decision and I was repeatedly told that, for a few different reasons, the house wouldn't be properly up for sale for a month or two. SO here I've been, running around doing all of this stuff for cleaning and fixing the house and showing assessors around, being called on the phone by my mother incessantly, having my sister's friend trying to 'save me' with this LIFE Team business/networking/thing, and trying to spend a s much time as possible trying to find a job - now with a shift in focus of location to the complete opposite of what I've been doing. All the while I've been thinking, "I really need to get this stuff out of the way so I can sit down for a day, think, do some research, and start putting together some idea of where I go from here. Instead I do the same thing as always (try to accommodate everyone else) and my needs get put off until it's too late for me to do what I wanted and needed to do. There's no telling how long the house will be on the market before it sells, but since a faster sale means more uncertainty and problems for me then that must surely be what to expect. So I'm back to foundering, about to sink, all with no real time to find a solution. If there was a God I'd have a massive heart-attack and this idiocy would no longer be a problem ... but I never get the easy way out. Sigh. Posted at 9:10 AM
Yesterday's interview seemed to go well - so we'll see where that goes - but the most promising job prospect was actually a non-starter, and I'm waiting to hear anything at all about the other two prospects or the jobs I applied for. The emotional lift from yesterday has worn off much like a sugar high. I was energized and happy while it lasted, but in the aftermath I feel tired and sluggish. Emotions suck. Posted at 9:25 AM
I have an interview early this afternoon and leads on three possible jobs through three different people. Add the four interesting job possibilities in Chicago that I applied for online and yesterday's prospects helped lift my spirits a bit. There's no promise that any of these will go anywhere, but talking with people who are directly responsible for hiring a position or who are close to the person who is hiring a position ... it's a more positive feeling than I've had in a while, even better than the day I found and applied for twenty-six different jobs. I've had a feeling for a while now that it would be a result of a connection with someone that I would get a job, so let's hope that feeling's right. I'm willing to take anything right now, but some of these opportunities are much better than just anything, so who knows? Maybe, just for a brief change to keep me from knowing what to expect, my luck will change and a job offer will actually come forward. Posted at 9:30 AM
I woke up at about a quarter to five this morning and couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried. I'm feeling sluggish more than tired right now, but I imagine I'll be struggling to stay awake until a reasonable hour this evening. This is certainly the least of my problems, but it stands out simply because it's so rare that I don't sleep through most of the night. Ah well. What can you do? Posted at 8:52 AM
As if it wasn't frustrating enough to have my family members berating me for not looking for jobs or not looking for the right jobs or not looking hard enough or ... well the list goes on ... now my sister has tried to set me up into a pyramid scheme - because at least then I would be in a job, I guess. Rather than talking to their friends to try to give me leads or an inside reference to a job my family just sits back and laments my joblessness and decides - against all evidence - that I must just be doing nothing or close to it. Does this help me any? No. Does it make them feel better? Apparently it does. How sad. I can't expect my family to help me get a job (although I find it hard to understand why they won't at least ask their friends to pass on opportunities that are available where they work) and I can't expect them to be cheerleaders that keep my spirits up and give me a reason to go on (because past history shows expecting that would be a total waste of time), but I would like to think I could expect them to either believe in me or at least hold their tongues rather than whip a downed man. But then again I should know by now to expect this, too, so why am I even surprised, disappointed, or hurt? I really should know better. Posted at 9:33 AM
Having hope is much worse than having a dream. When you have a dream you have a fantasy, an aspiration for something you currently don't have but would like and which is not readily accessible to you. A hope is exactly the same thing. The only difference is that society has told us that dreams are okay to have but bad things to plan upon because they rarely come true. Hopes, on the other hand, are made out by society as the best things possible because they make us strive for more until we inevitably reach it. The truth is that there is no difference between hopes and dreams - in fact I think it is better to dream, knowing from the societal definition that it is a distant, remote chance - still possible although unlikely. To dream is to imagine what could be and think of ways to achieve something unlikely, and if you never reach it you are not truly surprised. Hopes, on the other hand, lead you to believe - based upon society's definition - that you can achieve them with time and perseverance. But the truth is that they are no more easily achieved than the miraculous achievement of a dream, but when you fail to achieve your hopes you are disappointed, set up new hopes which are equally doomed to fail, and set up a pattern of striving for things that can never be achieved rather than accepting what you have ... even if you dream of what might be possible. Hopes trap you into falsely believing things will get better rather than facing reality. Hopes are empty promises full of disappointment. That is why I do not hope, because after thirty years of hopes I realized what I was doing to myself. I lost hope because there never was any. But I still dream. I will likely never see any of my dreams come true, but they make for a nice fantasy, briefly imagined, in the midst of a cruel reality. Posted at 9:30 AM
Posted at 9:30 AM
Less tired today but back to cleaning. Yea. Posted at 9:07 AM
Very tired. Posted at 8:27 AM
Still more streaks visible on the picture window this morning, even though they are in discernable later than even 10AM with the light. Will I ever get these windows totally spotless or is this a hopeless attempt at perfection? Posted at 9:25 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © August 2013
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August 31, 2013
