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| message board September 2013
Posted at 9:12 AM
I didn't get enough sleep the past two nights (last night in particular) and I'm tired and living with a powerful headache that won't diminish. I'm fortunate at my age that I sleep as well as I do, and my generally good health is, I think, a direct result of regular, good sleep. Still, rare as these days with less-than-enough sleep come about I really suffer and hate them. Posted at 8:18 AM
The single red rose and small spray of miniature daisies I left on my grandma's grave yesterday seemed small and inadequate for such a tremendous lady and the vast emptiness she left behind, but it was the least I could do ... and more than she got from anyone else. Posted at 9:32 AM
Today would have been my grandma's ninety-ninth birthday. If she had only lived a little longer she would still be here. If she hadn't gotten that 24-hour flu at the adult day care center. If I hadn't sent her to that center that day or maybe even at all. If I'd called the paramedics earlier, when she was first vomiting ... I'll never know if I could have saved her if I'd done something different, and I regret that constantly. I miss her greatly, and I wish she was still here. She was not without her faults but she was by far the best of this family for generations on either side. The whole world is more harsh and ugly from her absence. Posted at 8:37 AM
I had my interview yesterday in Columbus, and afterward I went to visit my friend Dan. Dan reconnected with me a few years ago after we hadn't been in contact for a dozen years or so. We realized when we got together that we hadn't seen each other in person for over twenty years. How sad is that? It was good to catch up a bit with Dan. He and I are of similar minds politically and morally, and we both get angry at a society that seems to get it wrong so very often. We also both enjoy animated films, certain music (although we have as much we both dislike as like in the other's favorites), science fiction, and a fascination with science, particularly space. So we had not just reminiscences but many other things to discuss. And strangely we spent very little time discussing what things had occurred to each of us individually over the past twenty years - and that was certainly for the best as it would have made for a more serious tone than what we enjoyed. Being in Columbus Dan is almost three hours distant so I won't be making frequent trips to see him, but having had a chance to reconnect I certainly won't let things go very long before I visit again ... at least I hope so. The time is coming soon when I won't be able to afford gas for such a trip and when I may well even have to sell my car to stay alive. What a waste, all this struggle to stay alive when I don't enjoy my life or even want to be alive at all. There should be a simple solution to this, an easy way out (I mean a painless easy way out - I am well aware of the many options I have if I wasn't concerned about pain). <Sigh> It's sad that even an enjoyable event like spending some time with a long-lost friend still ends up bring me sadness. Posted at 9:38 AM
I have an interview down in Columbus this afternoon; I had the call last Fir day that set it up. Yesterday I had a call for another interview in Columbus, this one for Thursday, tomorrow. Two and a half hours each way - which is fine: I love to drive and I love having interviews. It's just kind of crazy that these are my first interviews in Columbus and they're falling one after another like this. It's odd after all I've ben through in this job search. Wish me luck. Posted at 9:31 AM
Well crap. I pushed my Powerbook to suicide. Yesterday I was lamenting how my aged Apple Powerbook G4 17" was still running at age eight and a half but that I had now added any kind of video playback to my list of things I couldn't get to to do or couldn't get it to do without problems. I was just blowing off steam and whining a little bit, but I must have seriously upset my old friend because while my Powerbook worked okay in the morning, it would not wake up when I opened it up after moving it (and me) downstairs in the afternoon. Various attempts to resuscitate it with every procedure I knew of (and some I looked up in addition) all failed to get even a start-up chime from the dear old thing. It could be a hard drive failure, but usually that would still produce a start-up chime, just that it would then lead to a dead Mac screen or a missing drive icon. I never got that far which suggests a logic board failure, a problem I had three different times with my previous Powerbook (which was my backup and now my in-use laptop, and while the one that just died was showing it's age at eight and a half, this previous model is even older at over twelve year old). I know from experience replacing a logic board would cost me more than I would spend for another similar Powerbook on eBay and about a third of a low-end new Mac laptop, and I also know that Apple put my Powerbook G4 on the obsolete list years ago and won't do repairs, so I'd have to find a third-party repair shop who would do the work and I'd have to somehow find out if they were a quality shop - and all of that when it probably doesn't financially make sense to spend that much under the circumstances. I'm sad and upset about losing my old friend, but I feel guilty, too. Who knows ... that old Powerbook might have died today anyhow, but after just writing in this Journal yesterday about how it was not aging well I feel like I wasn't showing it how much I appreciated it, and it committed suicide rather than bear the shame. I's sad that my laptop was more brave than me. I will miss it. I already do. And now I switch to my older Powerbook G4, the original G4 model. I will say very clearly how much I appreciate it being there for me now when I need it most. After what I said yesterday and the results today, I'd be a fool to say anything that could offend or demean my old friend. Posted at 8:05 AM
My trusty, much-loved Powerbook is getting old, and while it runs just as well as ever, technology is marching on and leaving it (and me) behind. I lost the ability to update to the most recent OS some time ago and also lost the use of a number of programs as they either were not updated or wouldn't work on the OS I was using. Even some Mac apps like Safari and iTunes, while they still run, are not worth using much at all because they are now too prone to crashing or freezing - again because of the aged OS issues. Most recently I have lost the functionality of video playback. I wasn't surprised about third-party players, but for Quicktime to not work was frustrating. If I dig around the Internet long enough I am sure I can find an old enough version that will work and make sure never to upgrade it again, but then I run into the problem that new video files, set for new codexes, won't run. Physically there's pitting on the right-side where my palm rests and a number of keys have their letters worn away, but the only significant problem is that the screen cuts out at times if the top of the laptop is moved; I suspect a loose or shorted video cable, but since I've had this issue for a few years now and can fix it by moving the top of the laptop one way or another around the hinge to get things working again, I haven't been too worried. The fact is, though, that my Powerbook is eight years old, and eight years is quite old in computers, and this model has long been obsolete in Apple's lists And yet I slog on ... Posted at 9:49 AM
The greater irony of the Republican obstructionism of Obamacare is not simply what has been suggested: that when the Affordable Care Act becomes effective and millions of people get health insurance that need it, those same people will remember the Republicans trying to keep them from getting affordable health care and feel animus toward the political right, but it is also that The same people will forever into the future remember the ACA as Obamacare and thus associate it with him and the Democratic party, such that even years after the obstructionist actions of Republicans are forgotten the ACA will continue to be seen as solidly a Democratic creation. If you think this isn't much of an issue, consider how vehemently people have supported Medicare even when they are against the ACA - because they have or know someone who has Medicare and knows it's affordable and works. Once the ACA is in effect and people are enrolled, it should be a tidal shift in popularity and an almost eternal boon to Democrats and against Republicans. Posted at 9:31 AM
It's finally, properly Autumn. Hopefully that will mean cooler temperatures. Fall is my favorite season because of the turning colors of the leaves, the last flowering of plants here and there, and the (usually) wonderful temperatures. A proper Fall could last all year and I'd be happy, although I must admit I do enjoy the full change through all of the seasons. Posted at 9:49 AM
Good news, everyone! (Hey, I can mix my sci-fi references if I want to, it's my website)
Posted at 9:48 AM
'Tis International Talk Like a Pirate Day once again, me hearties! Enjoy it for me if you can ... I'm not feeling 'up' enough to enjoy it as I have in the past. Posted at 8:12 AM
I finished switching e.mail addresses well into the evening last night after having been at it on and off for the past six days around everything else I've had to do. The e.mail address on this site (which remains the same) has been around since I started using Dreamhost for my website twelve and a half years ago (just a half year after I started the site in the first place). I use different e.mail addresses for different purposes, though (one for family and friends, one for bank and credit card and utility accounts, one for other accounts, one for school, etc.), and those have been through my local Internet service which I've been using since I moved here over ten years ago. With the house being up for sale I've had to prepare myself for a move at pretty much any time, and I wanted to be sure e.mail wasn't an issue. There was a lot to it, though - it's amazing how many website log-ins and account log-ins you build up over ten years, and they all needed to be changed or I'd have lost them once I moved. There's some comfort in having the e.mails updated. That's one less thing to worry about when the house sells (although there are still far too many things left to worry about). The way I've set things up now I shouldn't have to make any changes for a long, long time (if ever), and that's good. It's always nice to have some things set up so well they no longer need any upkeep or worry. If only I could get more things arranged that way. Posted at 9:11 AM
Never enough ... but still too much. Posted at 9:14 AM
If good things come to those who wait, do even better things come for those who wait even longer? I'd sure like to know ... Posted at 9:35 AM
I'm getting bitter. While I do encounter many very pleasant and polite people working in customer service, I also encounter plenty of people who are disinterested, slow, unfriendly, and outright rude. These people in and of themselves don't bother me too much since my encounters with them are so brief, but they do cast a bad light on their employers, and for me they make me angry at those employers. How can they hire and retain inefficient and unpleasant employees in any position and not even call someone like me in for an interview? I'm hardworking and I'm pleasant - hell, even when I don't like someone I'm pleasant (to a point at least) - and here I sit, unemployed for what has now been sixteen months, fifteen of which I have been actively looking for work. I alternate between this frustrated anger and deep depression (although the depression, as usual, seems to dominate) and as time progresses the frustration and depression deepens - not simply because the job situation doesn't improve but because everything else gets worse on top of it. My financial situation is the worst ever and about to collapse. My grandmother's house is for sale and I will soon be homeless with no place to go, no way to pay for it, and no idea when I will have to be out of here. Add in the family and family friends who have "been trying to help me" by demeaning me for not trying hard enough to get a job or assuring me I can get a job 'if I just visualize it and believe' or 'if I pray' or some other similar nonsense. There are other, smaller things, too, that just add to the mess and it all just piles together such that I'm smothered in all of it. I have no idea how to get out of this - certainly every attempt at getting a job I've tried has gone nowhere, and I don't know what to try that I haven't already attempted - and I'm at a point where I am starting to give up. Oh, I'll keep looking for work and getting out as many applications as I can, and I'll keep going and maintaining the house while I'm here, but I haven't had any pleasure in being alive most of my life and certainly for the past nearly twenty years since Ken died, and I'd gladly welcome a massive heart attack at any time to make it all be over. Now more than ever I just don't want to be miserable any more and I just want it to end. I'm sad to say I don't have the courage it takes to commit suicide (and don't argue with me about this - after this long of contemplating it this isn't a rash decision that I'd regret later - I would certainly have rather died twenty years ago and have gone through that much less suffering) ... but I don't have the courage to do that, and despite the genetic predispositions to heart problems,strokes, diabetes, and cancer in my family remain fairly healthy, particularly considering how overweight and out of shape I've become. So I sit here miserable and depressed - and occasionally frustrated and bitter - and wait to see what will happen when the house sells because I don't see any real options ... and I don't know what to think. The only thing that makes any sense is to give away all of my worldly possessions and then move into one of the homeless shelters I know of in Toledo and just exist until it all finally ends. I can keep seeking employment there as well as anywhere else, but honestly, what other choice do I have? Posted at 8:47 AM
Well, I let myself fall for it again. I know exactly what to expect from certain people and then - against all logic based on repeated past observations - I not only give them the benefit of the doubt bull whole-heartedly let myself believe the lies. So I suppose I deserve what I get. I knew better and still let myself get screwed. If anyone type of situation is the story of my life, this is it And just to be clear, this does not mean I'm laying the blame for the problems in my life on others - quite the opposite in fact. Because of my judgment and my gullibility I empower people like this. I have made wrong decisions by trying to do the right thing many times; I have done the wrong thing for the right reasons (and there is a difference between those two things); and I have repeatedly had my life fucked up because I've put trust in people I should never have trusted - and many times allowing those same people who had already screwed me once to have a chance to screw me all over again. Are they to blame for my miserable life? Well, they certainly do have some culpability ... but the truth of the matter is that I am the one, invariably, who sets these people up to be able to do this to me. I sometimes see it coming and don't get out fast enough, doubting what I see or hoping they'll change. I always want to believe people will behave with noble, decent intentions because that's the way people should behave and because it doesn't cost people anything to be that way ... but people don't behave that way. I've been a cynic most of my life because of what I've seen and experienced, and I know well enough what people are really like by and large. But as my favorite professor Phil Dickinson once said to me, "At the heart of any cynic is a dreamer," and that is very much my truth. I see the world and know what it offers but I can't help myself seeing what it should be as well, and unfortunately I allow the two visions of the world to blur rather than look squarely at the ugly reality of it at all times. Shame on me for wanting more, for believing in the potential of humanity. I should definitely know better. Posted at 8:33 AM
Now Cleveland is backpedalling because of the outrage from the Internet (see yesterday's and earlier posts). They apologize for "the timing of the letter" but claim it was in regards to a pattern of calls extending before the two recent hate crime incidents (which they obviously note because those have been on TV). They point to thirteen calls in the past year for assault, burglary, vandalism, and similar incidents. Strangely they don't explain why calling the police for any kind of criminal activity is a problem, just that calling a dozen times or more is supposedly "excessive." I would suggest to the city that if they had paid more attention to this clear pattern of escalating crime centered at this one gay bar at the times of those occurrences then they might never have had hate crimes occur and be broadcast on TV, but hindsight is 20/20, and of course the city only gives a damn because they're now shown in an extremely bad light. I should also point out that Cleveland is only shown in a bad light through Internet sources because local media had been ignoring or soft-selling these incidents. The hate crimes attacks were painted by police as overexagerated in TV interviews and the newscasters looked no further, and the whole turmoil of the gay bar owners demanding solutions, the letter from the city that threatened the bar owners, and even the following apology by the city have all been ignored by every Cleveland TV news program and by the Plain Dealer, the Cleveland newspaper. Local TV news have reported that the city and the police commissioner plan to meet with the bar owners to discuss ways to reduce crime in the area, but that is ALL the TV news reports, thus making it seem like the city is very generous and responsive, not noting that the bar owners have been begging for this and not noting that the only reason the city responded this way is because of the exposure of their threats and mistreatment on the Internet. It makes one wonder why we should even have TV news at all. Not only did they not report available news but they whitewashed in in such a manner that it is just about the opposite of what actually happened. Somebody else might suggest the local media is under the control of city hall but that would be ludicrous and ignores the real truth. Ohio is full of anti-gay sentiment - outwardly and under the surface - and this sort of behavior is everywhere, no more clearly visible than in these recent events in Cleveland. Posted at 8:53 AM
As if the recent events I've noted in nearby Cleveland weren't bad enough and a strong enough indictment of how disgustingly homophobic this state is, and as if the comments on the news articles for each of those events didn't go even further to expose the blatant, unashamed bigotry and lack of concern for the lives of gay Ohioans, now we have (sadly but unsurprisingly) news that the City of Cleveland has threatened the owners of the gay bar who have called for help from police when their patrons have been attacked (and please note that the police never showed up until after the attacks, were dismissive of one man who had been severely beaten when he called this a hate crime, and failed to catch anyone (although they did identify one teen of dozens who were visible on surveillance cams)) - the City blames the gay bar owners and gay patrons for calling police too often when the reality is that the police ARE NOT DOING THEIR JOBS and tax-paying citizens are in danger because of it. This is not a crime-infested neighborhood of poverty either, yet since it's not straight people or people with scads of money or connections downtown there is no care at all for human suffering. Possibly worse than any of the rest of this, in my opinion, is that the only concern expressed by anyone at all in the city is how this will appear to the hosts and attendants of the Gay Games that will be held in CLeveland next year. Only when sponsor money and tourism sales are threatened does Cleveland give a damn. Citizens of the city can be brutally beaten and nearly killed, but that's okay - they're gay. In fact, why are they bothering the city when (apparently according to the city) it's their own problem? But hey, worry starts to come on fast when that precious cash flow is threatened. Apparently beating and nearly killing gay men is fine, just so long as all of that gay cash comes rolling into the city's coffers. Posted at 8:58 AM
Now would be the time, oh great universe ... Posted at 9:18 AM
And again, more anti-gay violence in Cleveland, not very far away. Ohio, through it's draconian laws and constitutional amendments as well as by the attitudes it's people fosters against all minorities but particularly gay people, is a a backwards hell hole that is unlivable by all but the white supremacist crowd ... and they can have it and it's unemployment, gerrymandering, political scams and cover ups, bad sports teams, and hick mentalities. Rot in hell, assholes (and if this article seems tame to you, scroll down to the comments and see real Ohio revealed). Posted at 9:13 AM
I miss you so much, Ken. I wish you were still here. Posted at 9:24 AM
People with jobs often respond to inquiries about what they do by saying, "It's a living." Should people who are unemployed and asked a similar question respond, "It's a bit of dying." Posted at 8:59 AM
Why must everything and everyone fall far short of easily attained potential? Why must nearly everything and everyone be a huge disappointment? Posted at 8:44 AM
Actually, I feel pretty worthless on my own, without other people's help, and my current circumstances only manage to increase the realizations of my worthlessness by the hour (or the minute, depending upon what's happened on any particular day). Posted at 8:05 AM
It's amazing how worthless people can make me feel by "trying to help." Posted at 9:11 AM
Posted at 8:26 AM
It should all be be better than this ... so much better. Posted at 8:47 AM
Should I not celebrate Labor Day since I'm unemployed? Posted at 8:57 AM
As if the U.S. hasn't already made enough destruction from war (certainly to large parts of the Middle East and Asia but also to the republic itself by crippling us with debt and joblessness at home as a result of the vast amounts of money spent killing people) - now Obama seems determined to bring back the insanity of George W. Bush and put us at war in the Middle East again. I am all for finding ways to end the civil war in Syria, but war is never ended by more war, and the U.S. has a very solid track record of causing tremendous damage and problems every time it sticks its nose into other nations' affairs). The best solution - for Syria, for the Middle East, and for the U.S. - is to organize sanctions and UN threats but make no military action. How much of an idiot do you have to be to not see how bad an idea it would be to get involved in more military action in the Middle East? Posted at 8:50 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © September 2013
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September 30, 2013
