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| message board February 2013
People are constantly, dependably disappointing. It is only the rare, surprising exceptions of kindness, compassion, or aid that allow me to believe the human race can survive. Posted at 12:27 PM
I should have plenty to say, but I just don't have it in me to write. Posted at 9:57 AM
The cold rainy day reflects all I feel. Posted at 10:36 AM
Why am I still alive? Posted at 11:01 AM
Even a small miracle would be nice, but honestly I'd be more than satisfied with just a simple break. Do I not deserve a break? Do I not deserve a chance, and opportunity? Is there something I've done that's caused me to no longer receive any good karma? Posted at 10:38 AM
Winter is very strange the past few years. It is nearly unrecognizable compared to my childhood. Global climate change has many deniers who clearly have blinded themselves to frighteningly obvious changes of a massive scale. Posted at 10:04 AM
Freezing cold, freezing wind, freezing rain, freezing streets, freezing me - this wintry blast is so powerful that it's cold here on the second floor. I'll survive, but it's amazing how this particular front has cut through everything and cooled the house more than anything all year. Posted at 9:08 AM
There should be more than this. Posted at 11:41 AM
Still hopeless. Posted at 9:30 AM
The longer this joblessness stretches the more often I hear about other people who are facing the same problem, either directly from those people of from their friends and family that I happen upon. I understand that the percentage rate of unemployment is high and doesn't even represent the full extent of unemployment since it doesn't include those who are underemployed or who have given up trying to find work for whatever reason, but even seeing a rate of just short of 15% it still shocks me that so many people are not only out of work but simply unable to get even an interview just like me. I have moments when I feel angry or bitter about this and other moments where I am just indescribably sad about this situation, but those feelings pass fairly quickly (at least for the jobs situation - my bouts of anger and sadness about my life last much longer) but what I am constantly left with is a feeling of bewilderment. I have worked at various jobs since I was thirteen years old (longer of you count jobs for the family), and I have never experienced anything like this jobs situation where the jobs are scarce, the employers avoid direct contact with their applicants since so many apply, and job interviews are like the Golden Ticket to visit the Wonka factory - few and rare and beyond value. This just doesn't make any sense to me, no sense at all. Posted at 10:36 AM
An old term for someone who was outwardly withdrawn and unhappy was a 'sad sack', and it was generally understood that when you were called out on it you should put on a happy face for everybody else so you wouldn't bring them down. The term may not be much in use any more, but the attitude remains. Heaven forbid society might have some sympathy or support for a person suffering depression. Got a backache, arm in a cast with a broken wrist, cancer - people are all accommodating and 'don't strain yourself' and supportive. Not with depression, though. It's all just, "lighten up" or "quit trying to get sympathy for yourself" or "if you're going to be like that then go somewhere else." Nice. And yet when I'm depressed and I stay at home to both accommodate most people's wishes and to at the same time avoid the additionally upsetting comments such as those noted above, I am told that I "shouldn't stay locked away", that I should "get out", and that "I'll feel better if I'm just doing something" (which is something only people who have never had depression believe and which is wholly untrue). As with all things in life, you just can't win. Posted at 10:36 AM
I had good news in a call the day before yesterday from my nephew. The call in itself was to me good news because it was only the second call ever that I've received from my nephew (now seventeen), and the first call was a request to buy popcorn for his Boy Scout Troop's sale. Equally or more important was the information from the call - my nephew was given the news that he has received a full-ride scholarship to the University of Kentucky for their voice program. He gets tuition and fees covered, plus a stipend, plus a free iPad. He will basically have to pay for food and not much else. How can you do better than that? Hunter has also received scholarship offers from other schools that are impressive but this will be quite difficult to surpass - and U of K was at the top of his list anyhow because of his opinion of the program. So I'm very proud of my nephew and very happy for him. If anybody knows what it's like to not have to worry about college costs and possible debt it's me ... or at least I know what it should be like, because I know what it's is like to be saddled with a massive debt you'll likely never be able to repay. So anyhow, congrats to my nephew. He's off to a good start, and hopefully that will make the difference. Posted at 9:30 AM
Strange. I have a craving for a cheeseburger. I haven't had cravings for anything with red meat in I don't know how long, but this is here. I could say, "MUst haz chzburgr" for comic effect, but it's not true. Not all cravings must be indulged. Posted at 10:47 AM
Achy neck. Why? Posted at 10:41 AM
Ah yes, the evil VD is back, dripping in blood red. It may be true that this holiday was created largely by the greeting card and chocolates industries, but the underlying concept is largely societal. Heck, even the origin story of Saint Valentine marrying Christian couples in not-so-Christian Rome is a testament to how society venerates the bonding of two people. It may be an unintended consequence, but every single person is left feeling like a loser on Valentine's Day or when they're asked to attend a marriage or when their married friends don't ask them out anymore because they only do "couples nights" or when every book or movie or whatever screams at them that if they don't find a husband/wife/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/mate then they are not succeeding at the basic expectations of life. It makes you respect the fortitude of monks and nuns even more. So Happy Valentines all of you coupled people out there ... and my commiseration to the rest of you that are alone for whatever reason. Posted at 9:16 AM
I choose to believe there is no god because if there is then he/she/it must be capricious, insane, and sadistic, and who wants to believe that their shitty life is being made that way and not just the result of bad fortune? Posted at 10:20 AM
No. Posted at 10:37 AM
I was so exhausted last night that I fell asleep around 10:30 PM during the Grudge Match on Iron Chef and slept with the TV on until 4:25 AM when I turned it off, had a quick pee, and went quickly back to sleep until I woke up - later than I'd have liked but bearably - at 8:25 AM. You'd think with so much sleep I'd have finally caught up on the coupe short nights I had over the past few days, but that would not hold up in this particular case. I still feel quite tired this morning even after a solid breakfast, a good shave and shower, running a couple errands, doing some stretching exercises, surfing the net a bit, and watching some news on TV. You'd think with all of that I'd be feeling full of energy and on a roll, but I've just felt tired through it all and still do. When do I get to feel rested again? Posted at 11:20 AM
Couldn't get to sleep again last night, not until the wee hours of the morning. I'm tired again after too little sleep, and I hadn't even caught up on my deficit from a couple days ago yet. Being depressed AND being tired is very unpleasant. Posted at 10:15 AM
I slept all through last night but I'm still tired. The sleeplessness from the night before last hasn't been made up for yet it would seem. Posted at 10:11 AM
Couldn't get to sleep last night until maybe 2:30 or so, and now I'm tired and fuzzy this morning despite oversleeping by a half hour or so. Breakfast doesn't seem to have made any real difference, but hopefully a hot shower will do the trick. I'll find out in just a moment. Posted at 9:46 AM
A week into February and still not even a call. Nine months of searching and applying for jobs and what do I have to show for it? Nine lost months, that's what. Think of how much I could have written if I'd focused my attention on doing so. Heck, I could have gone to a community college and gotten a certification in something by now. I could have done any number of things over nine months, but instead I have absolutely nothing to show for the past nine months but an increase in personal debt and a burden on my mother who certainly never expected to support me for so long. What a waste. Posted at 10:33 AM
How many times can you shovel snow? Seriously. Posted at 10:13 AM
I applied for more jobs yesterday than I have on any single day in nearly two months. Whether that will make any difference or not remains to be seen, but it was satisfying to at least have jobs to apply for. Now if I could just get an interview I'd feel like I was getting somewhere. Hell, even if the job interview led nowhere, a simple interview would at least feel like all of my applications and resumes weren't just being thrown away. Posted at 9:58 AM
I'm cold, unproductive, and take up space - I could do all these things if I were dead and at least then there would be no shame in having those qualities. Posted at 10:55 AM
My sister and my nephew made a brief stop here from last night until early this afternoon. They arrived after five last night, and after talking for a short while we went out for a late dinner, a return to a bit more talk, and then to bed. This morning both my sister and nephew slept in a bit before one of my sister's high school friends who lives in town cam e to visit with two of her kids. We all talked for a couple of hours before they left, then my sister, nephew and I headed out for some ice cream and they both left directly from there for the airport. It was a quick trip and I expected nothing more, and it was nice to have live people to talk to ... but I feel increasingly depressed as time passes since they've left. Some of that I imagine I can attribute to just feeling their absence, but there are two other things that have bothered me. While my sister was here, as more often is the case, one topic of discussion was my job search and what I might do to change/improve it and where I might look that I haven't. My sister is somewhat better about this than my mother in that my mother makes me feel like she has no belief in me at all (i.e., she sent me a polo shirt for Christmas and told me it might be nice for interviews; when I told her I'd never wear a polo shirt to an interview - I'd wear a button-down shirt and tie - she told me she thought I might just wear a t-shirt; not that any of this is an issue since I can't seem to get an interview in any case, but that sort of comment is part of a larger tapestry of comments that make clear my mom thinks I have no idea how to be an adult (i.e., she was shocked I had my own vacuum cleaner (which I've had almost 26 years); she repeatedly tells me I have to lower my expectations for a job (which is laughable considering I no longer can see anything lower than what I've been forced to expect from a job prospect any more); and I could honestly go on for far too long); my point in all this being that my mom makes me feel like she thinks I'm an imbecile or a slacker or both, and in my current situation I find it harder and harder to believe that must not be the case. My sister approaches this in a less demeaning manner but nonetheless makes me feel like a complete loser and a complete leech on my mother's support - both of which I can't deny are, under the current circumstances, fairly true - and I feel even worse about being stuck in the position I am. The only thing I can do that I'm not doing now is move out, take some more cash advances on my credit cards to move and live somewhere, and keep trying to get a job, and in that way at least my family wouldn't feel I was a drain on my mother - and I wouldn't be. But at the same time I can't deny I'm terrified that that is what will soon end up happening, either by my choice or because my mom tells me to get out, and with the completely fruitless results of my job search so far, all I see is a rapidly approaching crash into complete poverty and a life in a box in an alley. Let's face it, my credit cards won't last very long, and with no job they're all I have until they're maxed - then I'm screwed (even more than I am now). As if that weren't weighing heavily enough on me, I feel bad from seeing and listening to my nephew and my sister's friend's kids. They are young and energetic and free and full of the dreams and hopes of all that they are going to make of their lives, and while I can see and revel in that hope and belief they have and remember when I myself once held similar aspirations and expectations ... and in comparison all I'm left seeing is what I am now and what my life has been and what remains to be ... and those dreams and hopes of yesteryear were fallacies and false hopes and roads to pain and emptiness and insignificance and uselessness. And at the same time as I was seeing that energy of the young in comparison to myself I also saw them as the kids they are - young adults for two of the three to be honest, but specifically the kids of my sister and her friends, children that they were able to raise and love and cherish and hold and help to grow ... and it hurts to see all that they have, all that they are, and know once again that I have missed that and will likely never have that. I'm not a woman, so it's not a maternal instinct, but there is something there, something I've felt for a long time, and it's a horrible emptiness that wants so much to be a parent ... to have been a parent. I don't know if it's worse to be a jobless failure that's dependant upon the support of his mother or to be a childless old man with nobody to love, but I am both, and short of a miracle (or just a simple break that the universe seems determined to keep from me), I have no way to be any more than that. And that leaves me as less than nothing. I would have been better had I never been born that to try and fail throughout my whole life to find success or happiness or any sense that my life had any meaning or purpose at all. Posted at 4:38 PM
Early alternatives for Groundhog Day: - Racoon Day: If the racoon knocks over the trash can it means six more weeks of Winter. Posted at 10:49 AM
The cleaning never ends. You just clean and clean and clean and there's always more to do -- and before you know it the stuff you just cleaned is dirty again already. It's relentless. It's insidious. Posted at 10:32 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © February 2013
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February 28, 2013
