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| message board October 2013
Halloween has become what it used to be with adults adopting masks and having a wild bacchanal while children are not allowed to go out after dark for fear of their lives. Posted at 8:57 AM
It took until later in the afternoon than I'd wanted or planned, but the Fall yardwork and the winterizing of the yard and house is done. And while I'm stiff and slightly achy here and there, it's nowhere near as bad as I expected. Hopefully there won't be snow for a while yet (although there was a snowfall of 6" in six hours in east Cleveland just a few days ago, and that's barely more than an hour from here!). You can be sure if there were still plants to cutback and covers to put on A/C units and hoses to drain and store and everything else that Mother Nature would take that as a great opportunity to laugh at me and dump truck-loads of snow on us here in Sandusky. It may happen anyway, but at least now I'm prepared. Besides, except for the next two or three days with a freak warm-up to the low sixties (and rain to go with it), I'm unlikely to have had anything but thirties and forties for temperatures next week and later when I could next have gotten outside around the predicted rain, and while I was fine in the low fifties temps from the past two days, lower than that - even if it hadn't bothered me at the time - would have given me more aches and pains and almost surely a cold, so better that it's all done now. Posted at 8:57 AM
I spent the last part of yesterday morning and the better part of yesterday afternoon doing yardwork yesterday, cutting back plants, pulling weeds, and picking up the earliest accumulations of leaves from the flower beds. I still have work to do today to finish the yard and the winterizing of the house, but then it will be done, and that will be a relief. I'm not as stiff and achy as I expected to be this morning, but I know that in this sort of situation the aches and pains often don't really show up until a full twenty-four hours later, so we'll see how I'm doing later today (which, sadly, will be when I'm trying to finish up the outside work and not needing to be achy). My mother - who would complain if I didn't do this upkeep with the yard and the house - instead complained that I was going to do it when I talked to her a couple days ago because she wanted me to apply at Macy's and similar places who would now be hiring seasonal help. Not that she will stop with this sort of annoyance where I can't win no matter what I do, I did apply at Macy's (for three different jobs in fact) yesterday morning before I came back and started work in the yard. I also applied for a job through the county, at UPS for a driver's assistant for seasonal work, and three other local places. But that's not enough, of course, because nothing I do is enough. Oh well. At least by the end of the day today the yard work and winterizing should be done. And it's not even doing anything for me - it's for my mom's house ... and she not only won't say 'thank you' but she's complained about me doing it instead of looking for a job. I'm not really sure why I try to do the right thing. At best you get a few platitudes, generally nobody cares, often you get criticized for doing the right thing but not something else, and sometimes you actually get fucked over somehow for doing the right thing. There's not really any incentive is there. That explains whey just about nobody ever does the right thing. Posted at 9:03 AM
I can't calm the turmoil in my mind and my soul, and I won't even try to express my thoughts and feelings right now (it would be nigh impossible and likely pointless to try), so there will be nothing worth reading today. Posted at 8:40 AM
Yesterday was spent visiting my friend Steve in Toledo, the first time I've seen him in over two years, despite the fact that he's only just more than an hour away. We had lunch and talked through the day, walking around downtown and checking out a few other notable places to see the ups and down s of the city. Steve, of any of the people I know, understands better my problems getting a job and my fears about being without any means of support and thus having no food or ... well ... anything. Steve has endured hardship a few times now during extended jobless stretches where cash ran out and it was a while before he was able to secure a new job, and while Steve has survived it is something he remains in great fear of repeating - and he realizes that it could happen again without warning and he would once again be running out of his small savings and struggling to live. Unlike me, Steve makes it clear he wants to live and will fight to do so until the end, but that doesn't mean he wants to be starving and cold while doing it. Myself, I'd rather just die and be done with the misery of my depression and the disappointing, depressing world around me, and as a result I don't have that fighting instinct like Steve. I certainly don't want to end up starving and cold and lying in an alley, but I'd be quite content with a massive heart attack and a quick end (you hear me yet, Universe? I keep asking ...). Steve is probably better prepared for hardship that I am because of his determination to live, but I don't think either of us can ever expect to bear up well to abject poverty. Steve and I are both smart guys (although I'll easily tell you Steve is much more intelligent than I), but we both have struggled to get work despite our intelligence, our strong work ethics, and a long list of background work experiences. Steve over the years has been just as bewildered and frustrated as I have with the difficulty of getting a job during the past few years. I hope Steve keeps his job and I hope I get one, but Steve is a clear example that it's not just me or something I'm doing wrong; the job market is a very crazy motherfucker that makes no sense and hires people fairly arbitrarily without any concern about whether you have a good work ethic or past work experience or you're a slacker that doesn't show up for your shift and have never had a job. I don't suppose I should be surprised that the pervading mindset in business management - that workers are interchangeable and can be replaced by anyone (even a monkey) - results in businesses hiring workers who don't do their job well and have no experience while passing over workers who take pride in their work and have a record to prove it. For the business managers there is no difference in how they will perform - to the managers they are all plebeians - and the person with no experience is expected to be a better fit because they won't have any expectations that a job could be something you enjoy and where you were given a fair shake. Anyhow, Steve and I are both quite critical of the business/working world, critical of politics and government, critical of people and their selfishness, and critical of society as a whole, but where I have grown more disappointed and depressed by all of these things - even tending toward bitterness now and then , Steve laughs at it. Steve believes that the only solution is for total collapse of various systems before they can have any chance of being successfully recreated, and to Steve the worse the business practices or unemployment, the closer to a revolution; the worse the education system and the failure to teach kids, the closer to a collapse of the public schools; the more volatile the stock market and the more economic bubbles that burst, the closer to complete financial collapse and anarchy, and thus the closer to hitting bottom and then being able to rebuild - and that makes him giddy enough to laugh. To me Steve's hopes and expectations of the collapse of various parts of society are frightening but unlikely ...but also just more to make me depressed about how bad things are ... but I do understand Steve's viewpoint, and I won't discount him. It's sad that this is the reality around us. Despite our long talks yesterday about everything bad that is going on in the world, Steve and I enjoyed our day. It was good to talk to him, and I shouldn't have let it go this long. I have a number of good friends that have been compassionate and supportive of my problems with finding a job and other concerns, but Steve has a very clear idea of what I've faced in the struggle to find a job and how people have judged and disparaged me for how much of an effort I've been making. Steve has endured the same and worse, he has faced the abject, complete poverty first hand that I have feared is going to be my near future ... so Steve understands ... and it's strange comfort to at least know that I'm not crazy or lying to myself - it's not just me. I'm not the problem and I'm not over-reacting to people telling me I could have a job by now if I wanted one. It's sad that I should even need to have someone like Steve in my life - someone who has suffered worse than I have - to have confirmation that these things aren't just problems for me, by me, and of me. Posted at 9:14 AM
Yes, well you also said things get better ... Posted at 8:57 AM
Stupid humans. Posted at 8:53 AM
The guy next door is remodeling again, making pounding noises and using his circular saw in his driveway just feet from this house, all of it morning, noon, and night - from very early to very late, well outside of city noise ordinance allowances. I have been through this more times than I can count since this guy has remodeled every room in his house since the time he bought it, and for him that means gutting the room to the studs and building back from scratch, so every step is a huge, involved endeavor. I have been told a few times that he is done remodeling because there is nothing left to do, and yet here we are again with me getting woken up early or having to blare the TV late at night to hear it because of his incessant noises. This wouldn't be so bad if the houses in this neighborhood didn't sit so close to each other that they're only separated by the driveway, but that's really no excuse. This is just an annoying pain in the ass, and it was bad enough once. Dozens of times, as is the case, is beyond inconsiderate. Posted at 9:05 AM
This is how pretty much every conversation goes with anyone who - for whatever reason - gives me advice on why I'm not getting hired and what I need to do: Them: You need to think of what it is you want to do and focus on that. Posted at 9:32 AM
No place for me in a world as we know it. Posted at 9:12 AM
Disillusioned and depressed. Posted at 9:16 AM
The yardwork I did on Friday has had lasting effects that have crept up on me. I spent a bit longer out there than planned but got a lot done, and I felt pretty good after a stretching routine and a hot shower. I even felt okay yesterday morning and afternoon, but by late afternoon - about 24 hours following the outdoor efforts - I started to stiffen up and get a quite strong ache in the back of my right shoulder which was (I think) from tightened muscles that didn't want to release, even with repeated applications of the Icy/Hot-like ointment I use. I had trouble getting to sleep last night because that same area would pinch a little more just about every way I would try to lay in bed, and while I did get a fairly full night's sleep, I woke up a couple times and each time had great difficulty getting comfortable and going back to sleep. If I hadn't gone to bed as early as I had and slept until as late as I had then I would have had a shorter night's sleep but it worked out okay. I feel better this morning but still slightly achy, but I also felt better yesterday morning, so I wonder if this will get worse as the day progresses. I'm clearly getting old, and being fairly out of shape doesn't help. It's made me think, though, that when I do go back to work I will very likely face multiple problems adjusting and one I hadn't much considered will be exhaustion from doing even simple things like standing for eight hours a day - not because I'm weak or completely out of shape but simply because I haven't been doing that type of thing for quite a while and my body will take some serious time to adjust. I suppose I expected this to a degree, but last night I came to realize it will be a much more significant difficulty than I had anticipated. Posted at 9:45 AM
I have an interview in just over an hour from now. These interviews have been few and far between, and although I've felt pretty good about how each interview went I'm still without a job (or any offers). Any of you out there reading this in the short amount of time left, think up some good thoughts for me and send them my way. Any good mojo is appreciated, and I'll take any edge I can get at this point! Posted at 8:25 AM
Tired and icky. Posted at 8:13 AM
I'd rather not. Posted at 8:40 AM
If I had a dollar for every hour of headaches I've had in my life then I wouldn't need to ever hope to win the lottery. Too bad things don't work that way because there should be some kind of payback for the amount of pain I go through. Posted at 9:00 AM
Posted at 7:52 AM
Something about last night's dinner didn't like me but it didn't decide to struggle with me until about 2:30 AM. I wasn't vomiting or anything but it was some unpleasant indigestion for a while. Fortunately I did get back to sleep so I didn't have a sleepless night, but I'm still a little fuzzy from the experience. It's been a while since anything like this has happened because I have a pretty much iron stomach. I do wonder if it was just a rare, oddball occurrence or one of the long list of new things that have begun cropping up as I've passed 40 and my body gets old enough to break down in certain ways. Who said being older is great or that 50 is not old? Posted at 8:57 AM
Oh my goodness! The Republicans promised for a third time to make a deal on the debt limit and the government shutdown and for a third time didn't come through! Such a shock ... if you've buried your head in the sand and refused to listen to anything ... Posted at 9:08 AM
Tired. Sad. Doomed. Posted at 7:59 AM
Finally, at least there's one bit of uplifting news this week to brighten the darkness that seems to be consuming me. Nine episodes of Doctor Who that had been among the remaining 106 considered lost were recovered, the five missing episodes of the six-part story Enemy of the World and four of the five missing episodes of the Web of Fear, both episodes from the era of Patrick Troughton as the actor portraying the Doctor and both considered to be among the best Second Doctor stories made. They are already available digitally through iTunes and will be released in November and early next year respectively after being further digitally cleaned up and, in the case of the web of fear, after the remaining one missing episode is recreated in animation using photographic stills that still remain from the episode (this reconstruction has been done before very successfully on two other stories with a single missing episode and is being done with three other stories that will be released within the next few months). Now there are 97. Let's keep searching and hoping. It would be wonderful to have more in time (it would be wonderful to have them all, of course). Seeing these recovered stories for the first time in 45 years has been a great thrill, and the more that are found the better. Posted at 9:30 AM
My mother and father drove from Florida, and my sister, brother-in-law, and niece drove from Maryland, and they all arrived in Kentucky for my nephew Hunter's "Family Weekend" and spent the week around that visiting and getting shown around and being a family. I, of course, wasn't invited. In fact I would never have known except my mother slipped and told me because she wanted me to know to use her cell phone (which she only uses when traveling) if anything came up with the sale of the house. I told her, the moment she said that, that I hadn't been invited or even informed, and she immediately changed the subject back to what she had been discussing and wouldn't return to it. That's typical, so I'm not surprised by that, but it makes me wonder why this is always so easy for them. Take a "professional family photo" with even my sister's mother-in-law - but not me. Have a "family Christmas" - but not with me. Have a "family holiday" - but not tell or invite me. Have "family days" at my nephew and niece's private school - but never tell me. Have a "family weekend" during the first fall my nephew is at college - but have no intention of involving me. Heck, any event at all in my nephew's or niece's lives - don't tell Paul about it or comment about it weeks or months after it happened as if he knew. I learned early in my life that the order of importance went strictly: I've never understood it, and it has hurt, but I have learned to accept it because it simply doesn't change (in fact if anything it gets worse if that's possible). I have made what I can of the situation, and I have tried to make up for the lack of a real family connection by getting close friends who are much kinder and more supportive than my family and will even give real hugs with emotion. I love the friends I have that have become so close, and I can never thank them enough for the love they have shown me ... but it's not enough. The world is full of too much pain, and my own life is simply such a massive mess of anguish, and I don't know that I could face the horror of it all even with the full and proper support of my family, but with the very decided and deliberate dismissal and exclusion I face from them it is simply that much extra weight added to crush my spirit and wish, as I have for so long, for an end to this misery. I don't understand any of it. It's not just a dream, this ideal I espouse in theDreamworld. Everything I believe we should have in the world is possible, easy to have and give, and beneficial to all sides. I don't understand lies, lack of compassion, hatred or even withdrawn or minimized love. It is all senseless and cruel, and I don't understand. These things and more truly depress me, and after a life full of this I've given up on seeing it change ... but it still hurts each time it is forced upon me anew. Posted at 8:42 AM
I've had all I can stands; I can't stands no more. Posted at 9:03 AM
Things could be so much better for everyone and yet we continue along the same way without even trying to do the simple things that would make things better, easier, simpler, and more enduring. Posted at 9:05 AM
The realtor called yesterday wanting to show the house in a little over two hours. There had been no showings in over a week - a week and a half even - so I needed to clean up and pick up a little before anything and I said I supposed I could get things together in time if necessary. The realtor, sensing my hesitation, said she would check with the interested party and see about a later time, and she called me back almost immediately to set up a showing the following day (today) at 1 PM. I expressed my appreciation for the extra time, and she then made the quote that I keep thinking about. You see, when I first met the realtors and they took photos of the house and set their sign in the front yard, I was told explicitly that, "[They] [would] always give at least twenty-four hours notice before a showing." Yesterday, in a comment I suppose was supposed to make me feel grateful or accepting of the set-back in appointment time, told me, "We try to give as close to twenty-four hours notice when we can." And, of course if that we're telling enough, their idea of 'as close to twenty-four hours as possible' is apparently two hours. To me that seem quite a disparity. On top of all this, while I understand that most working people can only see houses after work, it is still rather inconvenient that had I been ready last night for a showing and allowed them to come with two hours notice, it would have been the third time a showing was set for 6 PM when I would normally be making and eating dinner, as would most people I imagine. I wouldn't mind making accommodations and eating later now and again, but that's half of the number of showings since the house was listed that were for 6 PM. Is this normal? I shouldn't complain. I'm lucky to still be here - rent free and relatively stable for the moment with no real way to have a roof over my head readily available otherwise - but the lies of convenience I've been given are aggravating. If the realtors planned or expected to show the house on short notice - which they must after decades of experience in the business - then they should have either made that clear or at a minimum not outright promised me a guaranteed minimum of twenty-four hours notice prior to any showing. I wouldn't be remotely as frustrated if I hadn't been explicitly told there would always be advance notice. What these realtors think they accomplish by lying to a seller (or in my case a representative of the seller) is beyond me. There is no excuse for it because there is no reason to lie and every reason to tell the truth and be up front about things. This website is theDreamworld because it's a place where I can express what I would like to see - and in fact expect - of the world ... simply because it's possible and there's no reason not to have a world that operates this way. It's simple, founded upon three simple tenants: truth, compassion, and love. If you give and receive each of those things in everything you do and your neighbors do the same then what problems would ever exist - and why would there ever be any excuse for a problem? It frustrates me when the real world shows itself to be so diametrically opposed to theDreamwold, and not just because of the disappointment that reality is so much worse but because it is so senseless and pointless that reality isn't more like the ideal. It is so simple to have truth, compassion, and love in what you do ... why go a different route and make things harder not only for others but for yourself as well? Posted at 9:17 AM
Still leaning toward being bitter today, so I'm not even going to write any more. Posted at 8:56 AM
I have started writing my Journal entry for today a number of times, but I find myself each time going in a direction I don't like. I don't want to be a bitter, resentful person, and a large part of me is leaning that way about certain things right now. Rather than express any of it - even to just blow off steam - I will instead write nothing, because once started down that road I'm afraid it will be too easy to go further and further and too difficult to stop and turn around. Posted at 9:43 AM
10-4, good buddy. Posted at 8:35 AM
This world should be brought to an end - a massive asteroid hit, full-scale nuclear war, a raging pandemic, whatever - because humanity not only doesn't care what happens to their planet but they truly deserve complete extinction. Other animals, if they could somehow be spared, should not suffer the same fate because they are noble in their own ways: true to their nature, killing only what they need to survive, helping their kind through thick and thin within packs and hives and colonies, taking no more from nature than they need, and punished by their kind if they are selfish or backstabbing or greedy. The human race should be put down for the sake of the universe. It knows only destruction and corruption and carelessness. Posted at 8:22 AM
Nothing. Posted at 9:36 AM
Congress can fund two wars against peoples who by-and-large had not done us any wrong, fund both wars for a decade each without hesitation, but when it comes to funding its own government operations during a slow and stumbling economic recovery it can't find any way to make it work. It can keep billions of dollars in subsidies to massive corporations in the oil industry, pharmaceutical industries, agriculture industries and others - all while the corporations in those industries post record-breaking profits each year over the previous years record-breaking profit - but it refuses to fund a health care program that will provide health care to many (not even all, just many) who were previously refused service or were unable to previously buy such care because the costs were too high. Clearly the members of Congress must either be completely insane, completely under the control of outside interests, or completely determined to do as much harm as possible to as many Americans as possible. There aren't any other answers, and none of those three reasons seem remotely acceptable. Remember these things during the next three election cycles. These people need to go; all of them; clean house America. It may be the only hope in Hell you have. Posted at 9:43 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © October 2013
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October 31, 2013
