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| message board October 2014
If I could only convince myself that agonizingly slow progress is at least some progress at all then I might be slightly less stressed at work. But the fact that there is so much to do and so little time just seems to make any such thought irrelevant. What difference does it make if you did make progress and did get some things done but it just wasn't enough to suffice? The effort was just meaningless then, right, since progress or not you still don't can't produce the desired outcome you'd striver for? Posted at 6:40 AM
It would be nice to accomplish something more than the minimal today, please. Posted at 6:48 AM
The stress of the office is not worth what I'm being paid ... in fact it would be hard to say if anything would be enough to make it even begin t be worthwhile. I continue to stay partly from fear of being without a job again and largely from a feeling of support and obligation for Steve to try to fix up this unbelievably fucked up place. I take some pride in my varied abilities and the way I've been able to do a great many things that have needed done, but doing everything rushed, having nowhere near time left to do what has yet to be done, having to endlessly go over what we are doing, why we are doing it, or why we are doing it a certain way (usually the only legal way, unlike the past) is actually the most stressful of all of this. Even with all of this insanity and stress and underpaid hell, once it's done, I am sure there will be little to no fanfare for all we did to solve the problems of previous years, to make things better and smoother and more profitable, and to bring in more clients and increase sales. And I am equally sure we will hear no end of rage and complaint about any little detail that went wrong. This is the way of the world, I know this ... and the world can go fuck itself. Posted at 6:24 AM
Why live this life? Posted at 7:09 AM
The work week last forever and then the weekend seems like it's over before it began. How is it that this is so? Posted at 6:47 AM
Doin' laundry. What an exciting life I lead ... Posted at 8:00 AM
FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!! THANK ... ... well, okay, that was probably a bit overly dramatic as a way to express how I glad I am that this work week is done ... but it wasn't much more drama than was deserved after this horrible, stressful past week. As usual this weekend can't last long enough. And as usual, there's far too much waiting to be done when I get back than can possibly be done in time for tax season. Hurrah. Posted at 6:40 AM
So. Tired. Posted at 6:33 AM
Yesterday was somewhat less stressful at work (which is good because it couldn't have gotten much more stressful, and I wasn't going to put up with it being as stressful for another day), so that was an improvement. We got a number of other things done to get the office back together again in the new layout, and today should put us much further ahead. In fact I'm hoping that by the end of the day tomorrow, the end of the week, that things will be largely in place and have us about as organized as we were before the move/cleaning/restructuring and even somewhat ahead since the new computers should all be online and the various files should all actually be in the office, not in a storage area a couple miles away or in boxes in the vacant office space next door (and they'll quite possibly even all be properly alphabetized, something which, strange as it sounds for keeping files for a business and your clients, was rarely the case as people were either dyslexic or severely uneducated about the order of the letters in the alphabet. Posted at 7:00 AM
I don't know why I try with anyone or anything or any of anything. You just put in all of the time and effort and pride and thoughts - even outside of the time you're on the job or with the person in question or whatever - and then you're blown off, ignored, or outright disliked or despised for trying to make things better. You know what? You're right. Why did I ever want to set things up so your customers would be more satisfied? You don't care so why should I? Why should I work hard to make you more efficient and more careful about spending and more profitable? You waste money on useless things left and right and clearly don't care about whether you profit or not. Why do I work so hard to make sure you're tax compliant, following all established rules of law for a business and as an employer and as a taxpayer? You don't seem to give a damn about any of those things even once you're made aware of them, so why should I try to help you? You don't want my support and encouragement or even my efforts to make things better or easier for you, so why the hell should I do anything for you? And you have no respect for me and minimal if any appreciation for who I am, what I know, what I do, what my values are, or how hard I try ... so why should I give a flying fuck about you? Why should I even spend a moment's though about you let alone any time with you or working with or for you? I have no idea why I live with any of this - ever. I have enough problems of my own, and I go out of my way to be kind, helpful, and as useful as possible to those around me, and what do I get for it? Hmmm??? No good deed goes unpunished. No other axiom so stridently and continually reproves itself every minute of every day. Posted at 7:03 AM
Back to moving heavy furniture yesterday ... and for long, long hours. I left the office just after 7:30 PM. There's still more to do than can possibly be done, but we'll be back at it again today. Why are you all not killing me yet? Posted at 7:11 AM
More sleep would have been much appreciated ... Posted at 6:07 AM
Slow going today. I'm not as stiff as I had expected, having almost fallen over the day before yesterday evening after having sat down back at the apartment, after a shower but before any stretching), but I remain quite, quite tired. Hopefully the rest of today will be enough to recuperate. Because then it's back to more moving of heavy furniture. Oh boy. Posted at 6:33 AM
Yesterday was long and exhausting. I didn't leave work until 7:30 PM after a long day of moving heavy desks and furniture and cleaning the entire office literally from top to bottom. We somehow got done just about everything we had wanted to do, and we left the carpeting and upholstery we cleaned to dry thoroughly over the weekend. Then we get to put it all back together again - in a slightly new layout, yes, but still moving everything allover again ... all of those heavy, heavy thing ... Posted at 7:21 AM
Ugh! Exhausting! Lat night I had the pleasure of the sewer in my bathtub to deal with until far too late (and to deal with again as I can't feel like I've scrubbed things clean enough even yet) and today the exhaustion of deep cleaning the office and preparing everything for the new layout and set-up and all of the work that goes with it. There's much more yet to do tomorrow, and even then we will have only moved things out and cleaned in preparation for touch-up painting and carpet-cleaning. Then we still have to move everything back in and into place next week - and Steelcase desks and file cabinets are fucking heavy!! Posted at 6:45 AM
The work day yesterday was frustrating enough with the crazy rush of people all at once, but to make it worse I had to go BACK into the office in the evening to do final e-filing that hadn't yet gone through so that we would beat the Midnight deadline. One guy yesterday even just e.mailed in his materials in the afternoon - even though we were only supposed to be open until 3 PM!! We had two other people who were supposed to come in for appointments but cancelled because they still hadn't pulled together all of their tax documents. Their places on the schedule were promptly filled, but still, what is with people? Why do we go out of our way for people who can't even do the minimum for themselves. Posted at 6:50 AM
Today is the last day to file taxes that filed for extensions, meaning anything filed after today is unacceptably late according to the IRS and all tax agencies, regardless of your situation. I expect a free-for-all. But Thursday it will be over. Even if crowds of people fill our lobby Thursday it doesn't matter - they're too late. I can't wait! Posted at 6:50 AM
Posted at 6:59 AM
Steve wanted to go to the AppleButter Festival in Grand Rapids, Ohio yesterday (it's something he's done every year for a while), so I was willing if not enthusiastic. I'll admit I'm still not too thrilled about the aching lower back or headache I have (the headache mostly from mild sun poisoning or sunburn I think), and I wasn't excited about the frightening number of craft exhibits which were shockingly similar or the garage sales that were also frighteningly similar, and even the pretty boys I got to scope out now and again were not too thrilling because they now just make me wistful for what will never be. Still, despite all of that, I had a good time - entirely due to Steve. We talked about all manner of things, joked about all manor of things, and just enjoyed ourselves despite the amazing number of people and other issues we faced as the day progressed. Steve has proven to be as true a friend as I have known, and I take him for granted sometimes, and I'm ashamed to say that. He is a good person. I wish I could find more people like him. Posted at 6:47 AM
Tired physically, mentally, emotionally, and in all other senses. Why does this misery endure? Posted at 7:09 AM
... Ahh, if only I'd just say what I think and not worry what might happen. Posted at 6:53 AM
"Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger?" Seriously, Nietzsche? Go fuck yourself. Posted at 6:46 AM
I wish I could have a job I loved. Posted at 6:40 AM
Too much pain and suffering! The world has it pretty bad too, but seriously, this migraine! Augh!!! Posted at 7:25 AM
... and another weekend disappeared without any of the things I really needed to get done being done. Well, I did do laundry, and I did truly need to do that, and I got stuff set up for work for today, but really, between the migraine, the exhaustion, the lethargy, the forced naps, and just the rapid passing of the days, I'm just not getting anywhere. Feeling like crap isn't the best excuse since I force myself to go to work every weekday even though my head is splitting and my vision sometimes blurs, and even though I'm usually exhausted. And even though the daily work stress just makes it all worse. But I go in so I can make money ... to what? Continue a life of constant and sometimes escalating misery? Why the hell do I keep this up and then never do anything worthwhile? Or is it even possible for me to do anything worthwhile anymore? Probably not. Still. In pain or not, exhausted or not, I'm disappointed in myself for not doing anything useful in the past week. What is the point of me? Posted at 6:14 AM
The migraine is still here but less severe, but this pain/ache/stiffness in my right neck and shoulder just won't give up after more than a few too many days of existence. Is this the daily addition of misery that comes from aging or is there more to this? Posted at 7:10 AM
How little of all I want and need to do will get done these next two days, as the fleeting weekend begins to fly past me already? Posted at 6:29 AM
Clone me or kill me. This insanity can't keep going. Posted at 7:04 AM
If this migraine would just diminish some I could at least stand it continuing on and on and on, but this is really quite horrible. In related news, my nephew was apparently on lockdown at his university because of a shooting on campus and I was told late last night by my mother, a couple days after the incident. Wasn't it nice I was kept in the loop by my "family." Isn't it amazing how close we are? Posted at 7:20 AM
This migraine won't let go. It has been going for a while now, but it is surely made no better by work. Two days into the work week and it has been nothing but chaos and stress after stress. I see no hopes of improvement there either. Why can't my head just split open and be done with it already? Posted at 6:25 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © October 2014
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October 31, 2014
"Ummm ...."