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| message board May 2008
Posted at 10:09 PM
All those stories where someone faces death and gets saved by someone else that's close to them - they're just that: stories. People are far to self-interested and uncaring to ever lift a finger to help their fellow man unless there's something specific in it for them. It shouldn't be that way. In theDreamworld, compassion and caring would always come first. Caring for your fellow man would come before devotion to yourself. But as I grow older, with each passing day, I see the horrible truth and realize that theDreamworld is just a romantic fantasy. NO matter how ideal and how entirely possible it may be, theDreamworld is nothing like reality, and reality is nothing like theDreamworld ... and that is a large part of what makes reality not worth living. Posted at 10:57 PM
I hate getting old. Posted at 9:56 PM
AAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Please ... someone - anyone! - shoot me in the head! Save me from any more insane days like this. Trust me, it's better to go quickly like that rather than die in an insane asylum ... and my grandma's close to sending me over the brink of the straight-jacket dinner coat. Posted at 10:14 PM
The woman is bat-shit crazy. Where's the lithium? Posted at 9:50 PM
If you plant light bulbs in the Fall, will they come up as lights in the Spring? If you water ear buds and give them plenty of sunshine, will they blossom into ears? If you get bees to cross-pollinate awesome blossoms will the result be a whole lot of awesome? Some people would claim all things are possible with the proper fertilizer, but that's bullshit. Posted at 9:50 PM
Where are you, my lonely angel? Posted at 10:22 PM
I am so weak and tired so often now that it just doesn't make sense. I constantly want to sleep. Posted at 11:38 PM
I refuse to repeat the mistakes of the past. I've suffered enough already - never again. Posted at 9:50 PM
Every moment is torture. Why so much misery? Posted at 10:47 PM
My mother left today after a week-and-a-half visit (with a two-day excursion to a family wedding nearby last weekend). It was okay as visits from family go, and there were even a few decent moments, which seem all too rare anymore. There were low points, though, as my mother made clear that she is firmly against having my grandmother travel to visit with my mom in Florida or with my sister in Maryland - basically telling me that my 24/7 care of my grandma, which already spans 39 to 45 weeks of the year without any breaks for weekends or such, will now encompass all 52 weeks of the year. Not only that, but I'll certainly be expected to cater to the various family members whenever they invite themselves here (which is already the case but which will double or triple the amount of time I'll face as their 'servant'). I've barely maintained my sanity over the past five years due to the constancy of my caregiving without breaks, and my patience has always been stretched to the limits by the time my grandma went away for a visit for three to five weeks. Now I'll get no breaks at all, and even if I somehow maintain my sanity, I certainly don't see how I won't be moody and impatient almost constantly without any relief ... and who wouldn't become that way? So I'm depressed and frustrated, even a bit angry. I'm being taken advantage of. I'm being used and dismissed. I'm being overworked on a job without real pay. Am I an idiot or a masochist for not throwing in the towel and telling my family to go fuck themselves and figure out how to care for my grandma themselves, regardless of whether their precious little lives can spare the time or not? I surely must be, because this passes the bounds of being noble and generous and loving and compassionate. And to think, those assholes have had the nerve for the last five years to claim that I'm benefiting from this situation and taking advantage of my grandmother when all I supposedly have to do is 'lie around and do nothing.' Well fuck all of them. There's no way I can do this every hour of every day, day after day, year after year - nobody could. Posted at 10:15 PM
I need a vacation ... from my grandma and from everyone ... a long, long, long vacation ... Posted at 9:43 PM
All of the dreams - lost and denied; the loves, the successes, the hopes - all gone, failed but not forgotten; a lifetime of plans and potential - crushed by ugly reality. Posted at 10:57 PM
Yeah ... it's like that ... Posted at 10:54 PM
Posted at 9:16 PM
If only effort and desire could give you a good life ... Posted at 10:19 PM
As goes California, so goes the country. It's now only a matter of time. Posted at 10:29 PM
Is a miracle so much to ask for? Posted at 10:19 PM
Weak ... very weak ... Posted at 11:22 PM
I still miss you, Ken. Every day in every way. It never fades, no matter the years. Posted at 10:34 PM
I'm a fool, yes I am. Posted at 9:39 PM
Still more torture! Eight more hours today were spent slaving away in the yard, this time buying and planting plants, spreading herbicide and fertilizer and pine nuggets (as ground cover in the flower beds), and trimming and mowing the lawn since it's supposed to rain for just about all of the next week. The one positive aspect (and only one) is that I now have everything done with the lawn and the plants and bed areas to last until the fall clean-up (although, of course, I will still have to trim and mow the lawn weekly and trim back the flowers and plants now and then). I'm rather worn and tired and slightly achy here and there, but nothing like the pains and aches brought on by the last two days of drudgery I've spent on the yard. I'm not even stiff as I have been in the past (although I should probably hold judgment until tomorrow morning, after a night of sleep when my muscles could choose to rebel against me). Of course after finally getting inside, showering and eating, I still had lots of other stuff to do (such as paying bills and getting my grandma set for church tomorrow and such), so now, at 10 PM, I'm just finally to a point where I can start to wind down and rest and relax. It sucks, but at least I get some rest at all. Posted at 10:08 PM
When does happy hour start? Posted at 9:34 PM
I need a May8. Posted at 10:20 PM
The future's so hopeless, the past is so painful, and the present is so bleak ... and nothing changes any of it. It's just one disappointment after another. Posted at 11:35 PM
When do I get to sleep in? Posted at 12:01 AM
Over eight hours of hell ... eight hours of yard work ... eight hours of constant misery with the ever-lasting reminder of aches, pains, dehydration, and a headache. Do you have any idea how much a lawn service would charge for everything I did? Or better yet - do you have any idea how much I made for my pains? If you said I made nothing (like with everything I do for my grandma) then you'd be right! Congratulations. Now you can put me out of my misery. Posted at 11:02 PM
I got to spend some time with Steve and Steffen and Paul tonight after not seeing any of them for a couple of weeks (and with not being able to see any of them again for another couple of weeks or more). It was a very enjoyable time, just relaxing and talking and joking and just plain being away from the regular stresses of taking care of my grandma. I do wish I could get away and visit friends more often, but it's just not possible. I worry a great deal of the time what trouble my grandma will have or cause while I'm away, and I have trouble many times coordinating with my friends so that we can get together. So days like today are great stress relievers and possibly the best entertainment I get - and certainly the only social life I get to experience. I only get a short few hours, though, and I get back late enough that I have to try to get right to sleep in order to be up early the next morning taking care of my grandma again. It's a stressful cycle with far too little sleep ... and with that in mind I'll wind this up and try to nod off. I'm a bit wound up still, so sleep won't come fast, even though I'm tired. But that's the way most nights seem to go. I'll get to sleep eventually. Hopefully I'll even have a few total uninterrupted hours - hopefully. Posted at 2:03 AM
I used to be an incredibly patient person. You never imagine that that's something that can really change. Posted at 9:48 PM
So tired. I could have slept all day. BUT - I, of course, don't have that option. I have to take care of my grandmother and take here to her various appointments and such as well as do all the things that take care of her affairs ... and her house ... and yard ... and every other damn thing that needs to be done. I'm exhausted, but sleep isn't allowed yet. And even when it is .. it's never enough. Posted at 10:02 PM
Messing around with all of the decomposed leaves and dead grass yesterday really sent my allergies into overdrive, so I've been a coughing sneezing mess today. I don't have strong allergies or many, but mold and mildew, particularly the powdery, spory type of stuff left on decomposing leaves, sets me off like nothing else. Late Fall has my allergies running constantly but hardly noticeably; Spring can really get me, though, particularly when I end up digging around in the stuff. The worst seems to be over, if comparing how I'm doing now to how I was this morning is any indication, but I still feel sort of muddle-headed. And the best part is that there's more to come. The flower beds are full of the same kind of crap that's done this, and they'll take even more time and effort to get cleared out than the lawn did. Lucky me. Posted at 9:48 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © May 2008
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May 31, 2008
