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It's been kind of a busy, long day, getting up early to see my sister nephew and niece off on their return home, putting away all of the Christmas decorations upstairs and downstairs, cleaning a bit, organizing some things, and finally settling in to play Neverwinter Nights 2 as the start of my annual New Year's D&D gaming session. And now, while I'm tired but still really wanting to play more of the game, I'm typing this Journal entry and getting ready to head to bed. And then tomorrow I'll play more ... Posted at 1:58 AM
Today was a mixed bag of frustration and enjoyment -- which I suppose is at least better than just a day of total frustration but certainly not as nice as a fully enjoyable day. I could certainly have hoped for a better day all around considering my nephew and niece will leave for home early in the morning with my sister tomorrow. Overall this has been a decent visit, but I had hoped for more of a connection with my nephew and niece but (as usual) found myself disappointed. I feel like I'm barely connecting with anyone anymore - of any age - and it's getting increasingly more depressing. But I suppose I largely have put myself in this position in the first place with what are clearly irrational and far-too-grand hopes. But that's what makes me theDreamer, I guess. It's just a shame that my dreams so rarely draw close to reality. Posted at 11:18 PM
A great dinner at Olive Garden; a fun game of Milles Bornes; and the first two episodes of Glee on DVD. It has been a quirky but fun day, and certainly a change of pace for me. Different things are often rewarding and today was no exception. Posted at 11:34 PM
Another tiring day, but mostly enjoyable. Shoveling snow - not enjoyable. And so has gone the day. It's a balance of ups and downs, but it was overall a good day. Tomorrow will sadly have to begin again with shoveling snow, so we'll be off to a bad start, but with luck things will at least break even again overall. We'll have to wait and see. Posted at 11:51 PM
The family is here - and it's not so bad ... although if today is any example then I will get no rest and will be kept busy pretty much every waking minute (which is pretty much what I've expected, but still not what I'd particularly like (a chance to relax would be very, very, very good)). I'm enjoying my nephew and niece, though, and that will make everything else bearable, so I'll get through it. We'll see where things go as the days progress. Today was a big spaghetti dinner, decorating the Christmas tree, and telling stories and laughing together over cookies and fudge and blossoming flower tea. Tomorrow will be much more full since everyone will be here for the whole day, and it looks to have an early start ... Posted at 11:35 PM
... and now any break I had is over. My mom arrives today, my sister arrives tomorrow with my nephew and niece, and all of them are apparently staying longer than they had suggested - not tremendously longer, but longer. I'd really like some rest and solitude instead, but I'll clearly be getting the opposite. And as much as I need it, I should give up hoping that I'll ever have a break of even an afternoon off to myself ever again until my grandma dies because clearly nobody is going to help me at this. A wonderful thought at Christmastime to be sure, but as real as it gets. Ah the bounties of Christmas! <sigh. Posted at 10:36 AM
Not exactly what I wanted or needed from my Christmas Day, but I had some time (not as much as I'd have liked, but some time) to play Aquaria a bit. It's interesting, if a bit slow paced. A relaxed change of pace, though, so that was nice. I still would have rather had a full day off from caring for my grandma - but clearly that's never going to happen. Posted at 11:32 PM
Another long day, but finally things are done and I should be able to rest - not tonight, but perhaps for some of tomorrow ... around caring for my grandma and fixing her a Christmas dinner. Still, maybe I'll have some time to relax ... maybe. That would be a nice gift. Posted at 10:39 PM
I survived grocery shopping today. It wasn't as bad as I'd feared, being two days before Christmas, but I'm glad I don't have to go out to any more stores this year, and I'm glad I don't have to go to stores that are that crowded and chaotic very often. I wouldn't say I have social anxiety disorder, but I'm as close as you can get without being there. I've been uncomfortable in large, crowded groups of strangers for just about my whole life, and it's always worse when I'm upset or tired, but since my breakdown it has consistently been worse. Mind you, right after the breakdown it took months before I could handle even groups of ten people or more for a while, and going to a mall or restaurant or any other crowded busy place would very possibly have driven me into another breakdown. I I spent a lot of time wandering my favorite Toledo Metroparks alone during weekdays as my one form of solace, and it helped me find a new balance to get past the breakdown, but even with the calming presence of nature I couldn't go in the evenings or on the weekends because the greater numbers of people made it impossible. Heck, during Wallace's wedding reception I even had to go outside to sit on a little hill near the lake to try to calm myself because the crowded, busy room full of people made me feel like I was falling into a deep pit. BY comparison to then, I'm much better now. Still, crowds, particularly noisy, bustling crowds of people who are often rude or outright inconsiderate or mean or careless in their hurry - those sorts of groupings are rough to handle, and any store or restaurant at this time of year is full of exactly those kinds of people. So today I give thanks that I don't have to deal with that crap again - at least for a while. Never again would be too soon. Posted at 7:36 PM
Well ... that took forever. I used to love putting up the Christmas tree. I still enjoy collecting different and unusual ornaments (although I haven't bought very many in the last few years), and I have a great time looking through my ornaments. I enjoy looking through my grandma's ornaments, too, since I haven't seen them in years, and I have nice memories of Christmas associated with my grandma's house (much better than Christmas ever was with the folks in their house). Today, however, was little fun at all. Sure I enjoyed putting up my own tree upstairs, but I'd already spent much of the day decorating my grandma's mantle and tree downstairs while she drove me nuts and simply would stop yammering and nagging. Seriously, the woman was driving me crazy, and she made the whole endeavor miserable. The crappy tree she has (not the one she had when I last helped decorate) and the lights that simply would not work no matter how many bulbs you replaced. It was just a truly miserable experience. It's a good thing I didn't put up any ornaments (the ornaments will go up when my sister, nephew, and niece arrive) or she would have had time to truly push me over the edge. I was very close as it was. Let's agree never to do this again - at least not with her in the house. Posted at 10:20 PM
And yet another exhausting day, largely exhausting because of my grandmother more than everything I wanted to get (particularly since my grandma's dementia made it impossible to get done all of the stuff I wanted/needed to do today). Tomorrow will be crazy busy, too, but it may be a bit less exhausting and stressful - but of course much of that will depend upon my grandma. Hopefully she exhausted her supply of crazy today and will take at least a day to recharge. Posted at 11:05 PM
Another exhausting day. I got everything done that I wanted/needed to - but my grandma once again went above and beyond the call of duty to make the day more complicated and frustrating, and I ended up once again having to take quite a lot more time taking care of her throughout the day than usual, thus making all of the cleaning work around the house that much more of a struggle to get done. I may not yet be getting too old for this stuff, but I'm definitely getting too overworked for this stuff. Posted at 8:22 PM
Ugh! I'm exhausted by these days of prepping for Christmas, prepping for visiting family, and taking care of my grandma at the same time (and as she gets more and more difficult and time-consuming to care for). I have a lot to do every day of the next week to get things ready in time, and each day has no promise of being any less exhausting than today. And to think, this is all because they invited themselves here rather than have my grandma out to my sister's house (as has been the case for many years). If they want to do this sort of thing here again in future years, somebody is going to have to come here to help out. Taking care of my grandma is a full-time job throughout the whole day (which I guess actually makes it like two or two and a half full-time jobs). I can take care of my grandma or do the set-up work for having a family Christmas, but expecting me to do both is not merely unfair but impossible. Posted at 7:50 PM
One bitchy, argumentative, pessimistic, somewhat senile old woman to care for throughout the day is enough for anyone to bear. If I have to endure another day like today where I had to take care of two such women ... well ... I can't be held accountable for my actions if I have to go through that again. Posted at 11:32 PM
To paraphrase from the Simpson's "The Shinning":
Posted at 8:13 PM
I long for a day I can sleep in late. I got up extra early two days last weekend so I could get things done, and I've gotten up at the normal fairly early time every other day. I need to catch up on the sleep I've missed. Hopefully tomorrow morning will be the day. I'm tired of looking and feeling like a zombie. Posted at 7:17 PM
I had so much more that I planned to get done today. It's not like I had any rest or anything. It was just one of those days where nothing goes smoothly and everything takes much, much longer than it ever should. I hate days like this. Posted at 10:51 PM
Shopping is done. All hail the shopper. The wrapping is done. All hail the rapper (yo). The Christmas shipping is done. All hail the shipper. Hail, hail - the gangs all here ... or something like that ... Posted at 10:08 PM
I love having my hair freshly cut. It's a wonder I don't have it done more often. This is the first time in months since the last cut, and it's the best result of any cut job in the last three of four years. Now if I could just get myself to do this more often. Posted at 9:17 PM
... and the corollary to yesterday's Journal entry is that the right cable that you need won't be available anywhere near you without a huge drive to the next major city (or farther) or an order from an online store. Again I must question why there can't be some standardization in cables - not for everything of course, but to have (for example) three different connectors for Firewire and a huge number of combinations of how those connectors are paired up on the ends of cords ... It's a large number. And of course you only need one of those possible permutations. Posted at 9:25 PM
Don't you hate it when the cable you buy for your computer/DVD/TV/PSP/whatever turns up not to fit because it's not entirely wrong, just not the specific variety of that kind of cable that you need? I know I do ... like ... today ... Posted at 8:35 PM
I can't say that I did all of my Christmas shopping today because I did have a few presents already, and I can't say I'm completely done because I still want to look for something small for each my nephew and niece to add to their main presents - but - for the most part, I managed to get the shopping pretty well wrapped up today (or if not yet wrapped, done. It will be a smaller Christmas this year than usual in terms of number of gifts and amount spent, but I'm trying to keep from blowing out the budget too much, and that means things have to be limited. Heck, last year I cut back a lot from what I and my grandma each spend, but this year is much more of a dramatic cutback. I'm worried about it because I don't want my niece and nephew to feel like they aren't loved as much or anything. They're both very mature, but it's hard for a kid to get less for Christmas as not feel a little cheated. Hopefully they'll be happy with what they will get. Amazingly my grandma behaved today. She had a slight ache in her lower back so she didn't move around and mess with anything, and that was good. Since I had to leave her at the house while I went to shop, I was worried about what could happen. Fortunately she ended up fine. I did end up coming back to the house three times to check on her and I called her three other times to check on her between that, so maybe I shouldn't have been so worried, but it's hard not to be. At 95 and with a brain that's really slipping, she's a handful even when I'm with her, let alone when she's on her own for even a few minutes. So the day is done. Very long, very tiring, but a lot was accomplished. Sadly I've still got cleaning to do and decorations to put up, but those will be for other days. For now I'm done with what I need. Yea. Posted at 10:17 PM
I'm so much of a cynic that even my hopeful dreaming is tempered, and I'm rarely what you would call an optimist. I tend to see myself as a realist rather than an optimist or a pessimist, but I'll admit that during my stronger bouts of depression it's hard not to be pessimistic fairly often. My grandmother, on the other hand, is about the most pessimistic person I've ever met. I think it has grown worse as she's grown older and her mind has grow more infirm, but looking back my grandma has always had a fairly pessimistic side. Maybe it's just living with her closely as I do, but I see my grandmother's pessimism all the time now, and it makes me very sad to see her viewing the world this way, and it also aggravates me that she is so doggedly determined that her pessimistic views are the only right answers. And she repeats her ideas over and over and over again. It's truly draining. It would help if I could just ignore her at times like this, but I just can't bring myself to ignore her. It seems disrespectful, even when she's spouting absolute gibberish. Posted at 9:00 PM
Get well wishes go out to my good friend Chris (in Chicago) as he's trying to beat a bad case of flu. We talked on the phone today and I had a real emotional boost from having such an enjoyable call. We don't talk (or even e.mail) barley enough, and we see each other only once a year or less (it's now been about two and half years since we've seen each other). Even with our limited contact, I still see Chris as one of my best friends, and I miss spending time with him. I need to keep in touch more often. I used to be better about this sort of thing. Posted at 8:54 PM
Must. Have. Sleep. Posted at 11:15 PM
How do people possibly do this for a living? Oh yeah! They get to go home after eight hours! -- And they get two days a week off! -- Plus vacations! -- And they get paid! -- And they have benefits! -- And they're respected for what they do! And they don't have to do yard work or repairs! (... Lucky bastards ...) Posted at 9:15 PM
Leaves, leaves, leaves! There's just no end of the damn things! The good news is that today is the last day I'll rake leaves this year. Even if more blow into the yard (and they surely will), I'm done. This was enough. The bad news, of course, is that no matter how good of a job I have done this year cleaning things up there will still be all sorts of leaves everywhere come Spring when I have to clear everything out so the plants and the grass don't get smothered out. This is the one downside of having all four seasons that bothers me the most, believe it or not. Posted at 6:34 PM
Where's Waldo? Posted at 6:26 PM
Of all the toys to choose from why are Zhu Zhu Hamsters the new fad? Posted at 5:24 PM
My days of wearing cargo shorts are numbered. The chill of winter is creeping in, and I only have a few days or a week before I have to accept that I must switch to jeans. Maybe it's not a big deal, but I like the feeling of freedom from shorts, so I'll miss them. Posted at 9:58 PM
More migraine aspirin please. Posted at 10:14 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © December 2009
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December 31, 2009
