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| message board January 2010
... sanity has now left the building ... Posted at 6:52 PM
Beware - The Migraine that would not die!!! (playing now at a Cranial Theatre near Posted at 11:27 PM
You are feeling sleepy - very sleepy. Oh ... sorry ... that was me that's very sleepy. Be careful, though, it is contagious - the yawning and all, don't ya know ... Posted at 10:35 PM
Don't you hate it when a program you've been working on for more than a few hours suddenly - just as you're within five seconds of saving - decides to crash? I know I do ... Posted at 1:21 AM
Ack! Back ache! Send for a masseuse! Posted at 12:29 AM
It would be nice if there was a way not to hate living. Posted at 11:16 PM
My Internet provider is pissing me off. Every day for a week I've had periods of an hour or two at a time where all Internet bandwidth dies. During all of this was one short e.mail explaining that a server went down - last Tuesday ... and was supposedly fixed the same night. And yet here I am nearly a week later with continuing problems. Where's my refund, at the least? Where's my apology, at the least? I'd much prefer just plain old dependable bandwidth 24/7 like I was promised and pay for ... but I should get at least a refund or an apology or both if they can't live up to what they originally promised ... Posted at 9:41 PM
Sigh ... Posted at 6:48 PM
I have a massive craving for cake ... and for chili - not at the same time, fortunately - but massive cravings for both nonetheless. Posted at 9:02 PM
The second day in a row that I got my grandma together and to an appointment on time! Miracles do happen! Posted at 11:10 PM
It's exhausting to go through the days when I have to get my grandma to an appointment. Today was one of the rare good days when I actually managed to get her ready in time to make the appointment - not that she didn't try her best (as usual) to find every way possible to impede and reverse each inch of progress. It should not be this difficult just to get to a late, ate afternoon appointment. Posted at 9:56 PM
Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. Posted at 6:22 PM
Yes, well ... I've had better ... Posted at 11:18 PM
Remember ... Posted at 10:54 PM
There should really be something worth living for ... Shouldn't there? ... Or is this how it is for everybody? ... Posted at 9:47 PM
She repeatedly protests her innocence, but it is truly hard to imagine that my grandma isn't trying to kill herself with the insane things I repeatedly catch her and stop her from doing. It defies imagination. Posted at 5:48 PM
It's like being strapped down yet wanting to jump and run around. That's what my current level of depression is like. Posted at 8:49 PM
A day of laundry an thorough cleaning leaves pleasant (and necessary) results, but it's worn me out. Five loads of wash and three floors of cleaning and organizing has tired me out. The up side of all of this is that I was actually able to push myself to get all of this done, even though I thoroughly wanted to just do next to nothing throughout most of the day. The depression is still here, but I can make progress at some things with a huge effort of will. I just wish I was still in manic mode because I don't get all achy and tired, don't have to fight to get things done, and get a heck of a lot more done in the time available. But the manic mode is gone ... so I just deal ... Posted at 9:53 PM
... and just when you think you have finally wrapped something up, right away something else pops up that has to be taken care of as well before you can fully put the whole thing to rest. Why is nothing ever simple and/or straightforward? Posted at 8:20 PM
I feel like a zombie - an original Dawn of the Dead-version zombie ... you know, the kind that lurch along and moan and fall apart, not the super-hyper, frenzied, uber-powerful grunting kind from the newer zombie movies - and the only thing missing from my zombieness is a craving for brains. Not that I'm anxious to having a craving for brains, mind you. I'm just sayin' ... Posted at 7:23 PM
I HATE this! The three weeks before the family was here were, while busy, great for me because I broke out of my depression and had one of my manic moments. Not only did I feel good physically and mentally and not only did I deal better with my grandma and other problems, but I was incredibly productive. I got all sorts of projects knocked out, and I was on a roll. When the family arrived I was still in the zone, and that lasted until the last day or so that they were here, and then it ended. At the time I just thought I was ready for their departure and ready for a break from the rush of getting ready for their visit and taking care of them during their visit. But now it's clear it was more than that. Now, with them gone for a week and half, it's clear that the positive manic episode is gone an I'm back into depression, feeling tired, achy, lethargic, unable to get going on any of the various projects want to work on or finish - no matter how far along they are or how fairly simple they are. I'm having trouble even getting going in the morning or leaving the house for anything. ... and there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to sit here and wait another - what? two years like last time? - until I get back to another manic moment that might last for a few days or a few months. And until then and around that manic period will all be deep depression or at best the ineffectual malaise that seems to be the best things get outside of the rare moments of mania (and that malaise is what, from all I can understand of anecdotal evidence) is what I would be like all the time on anti-depressants, and that's not enough. The big question is whether this is just a change in brain chemicals that just altered at the time it did, or was the visit of my family the precipitating factor in losing the positive mania and slipping back into depression? This is the third time a good, fairly long-lasting an productive manic episode ended during a visit from my sister. It's hard to believe that three times out of three is merely coincidence. Posted at 9:39 PM
My grandmother's on a new medication which is actually an anti-depressant but which has a major side-effect of being an appetite enhancer - that's why the doctor is trying it. It's given in ultra-low doses and she's only been taking it for about five days so far, and while she clearly seems to be more sleepy (another main side-effect) she shows no signs of having a better appetite or even having a better emotional attitude. And she might just be more sleepy because she refuses to go to bed at a reasonable hour and get's up around eight or nine every morning and won't sleep in.It's probably too soon to tell since most anti-depressants are supposed to be going for a week or two before you see results, but I had expected to see something. Oh well. At least it's not making us any worse off (at least that I can see). Anymore it's as good as you can hope for that things don't get any worse ... Posted at 7:32 PM
Yea! A day without shoveling snow! Posted at 10:54 PM
More sleep is a must. Less snow shoveling would be good, too. And a winning lottery ticket would round things out nicely, now that we're deep into the domains of fantasyland ... Posted at 12:53 AM
Maybe if I woke my grandma up at 3 AM and kept pushing at her unrelentingly she could be ready to leave for a 3:30 PM appointment during the afternoon. No ... you're right ... that's clearly ridiculous. She'd never be ready in that amount of time. Posted at 11:23 PM
I can't even begin to describe the frustration I have with my grandmother today. Right now she argues even the most minute things during every minute of every day - for no reason and against all sanity, reason, or truth. This isn't the woman I knew and loved most of my life. She is now almost a complete stranger - and an unsavory stranger at that. I wonder how much longer my love of her from the past will bear up against the verbally and mentally abusive, lying, angry woman that I now care for. It could be a couple more years or maybe just a couple more minutes. We'll see. Posted at 9:12 PM
I've had a serious migraine for four days. Fun times ... Posted at 11:15 PM
Bob's your uncle. (... and if he's not then you'll have to ask an Aussie what the hell that phrase means ... really ...) Posted at 10:25 PM
It decided not to make today the cleaning/laundering/organizing/active day I'd been planning it to be for the past week, and instead I've (mostly) tried to relax and not push myself. It's sort of worked, and the cleaning and stuff can wait and not be a problem. I would have liked to sleep in or not have to clean up after my grandma or try to help her make sense of the world repeatedly throughout the day, but this is what I have to do ... so be it ... but better in a somewhat relaxed fashion than in a frantic mode to get all sorts of stuff done. Posted at 12:16 AM
My mother left this morning and is back in Alabama, and that leaves me back in my usual role of solitary caregiver. I enjoyed this latest visit overall, but it was more set-up work that I appreciated, and I didn't really get even a full day's free time to myself, so while it was nice for my grandma and a decent visit, it still leaves me without having had any real break since a year ago. Something must be done about this over the course of this year. I won't mentally survive another year without reprieve. Posted at 12:16 AM
I've spent the better part of the day gaming, even longer than I expected, and while it's not like the old days when I had my best friends over to share in the fun and interplay, gaming on the computer is still enjoyable and brings me a measure of happiness in remembrance of the gaming of New Years past. Posted at 4:01 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © January 2010
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January 31, 2010
