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| message board July 2009
All aboard the fucking freakshow insanity train, my grandma at the wheel. Someone get me stronger migraine medicine, please. Posted at 11:39 PM
Posted at 8:37 PM
Why is life so full of suffering? Posted at 8:22 PM
Oh-ney Ope-hey. Posted at 9:56 PM
Posted at 8:06 PM
My sister, nephew, and niece have arrived for a week's visit. All bets are off as to what to expect, but let's hope for an enjoyable visit without drama or anguish. Wouldn't that be nice? Posted at 12:00 AM
So tired. Why do I never have any time to relax? Posted at 7:28PM
Damnation! I am seriously getting boring. Posted at 8:26 PM
Finally! A number of different people who agree with me that Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree is a twisted, sick way to look at love and relationships. After years of discussions that have ended with people looking at me like a freak and telling me that I'm wrong about one of their most beloved books from childhood, finally I know that other people see the same horrible aspects from this book. Posted at 8:24 PM
Misery loves company - but which company does it love most? Posted at 8:19 PM
These migraines of mine are killing me. Unlike what most people with migraines would do - seclude themselves in a quiet environment with no harsh lighting and hopefully the chance of rest - I have to stay alert and involved with my grandma to make sure she's alright. Today's migraine is a real pain (so to speak), and I really want to just lay down on my bed with the blinds closed and either sleep or just rest with my eyes closed, but I can't do that - at least not for more than at most 30 minutes before I need to check on my grandma. Ugh. Posted at 11:53 PM
It's amazing. The grass is dry and yellowish-brown from the minimal rain lately, much of it dead or dying, and yet enough pernicious stalks shoot straight up to make mowing necessary - not because there's enough to bag up but because it looks weird. As much less work as there is trimming and bagging the grass this way, I think I hate doing it even more than I normally do. It is totally ridiculous to me to mow when you can't even tell where you've been, and it's wasteful of gas and such as well. But appearance is everything in a residential neighborhood (or at least that's how my grandma and many other people feel), so this afternoon saw me mowing next to nothing for pretty much n o reason at all. Posted at 7:02 PM
Wait - - what ? Posted at 9:47 PM
This day has been incredibly long and yet time has passed too quickly compared to what I would have preferred. Go figure. Posted at 10:41 PM
War - what is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Posted at 6:34 PM
My reality is shifting further and further from theDreamworld ... and soon there may be no sign of the promised land in sight. Posted at 7:49 PM
I've been so tired all day. I'm tired a lot nowadays - is that just from being older, or is it from being out of shape? Or is it the depression? Posted at 11:24 PM
Guess what? I'm teaching college classes now. I don't know where or how, but that's what my grandma believes is true, no matter what anyone tells her. And it's amazing - I'm apparently able to teach classes and instantaneously reappear in the house to check on my grandma every half-hour to hour! How do I do it? Posted at 9:00 PM
I am definitely old. Posted at 9:06 PM
I tell you, the woman lives in a fantasy world - but you'd think if you were going to create a world that disregards reality that you would make it full of wonderful, comforting things. Not my grandma. She eschews reality for this made-up world of assumptions and outright fabrication, and its full of fears, suspicions, paranoia, and impending doom. So much for escaping reality for a better world ... Posted at 7:19 PM
Sanity is in short supply here. My grandma's rides the edge of a razor, unbalanced by her brushes with senility; and mine comes in hard-hitting crashes fueled by my grandma's every other conversation. Welcome to the asylum - where peace of mind is a thing of the past. Posted at 9:41 PM
Why is it that there's just one bill after another with no end in sight? Is it possible to ever be on top of this mountain of debt? No? What kind of fucking answer is that? I'm looking for a little support here ... Posted at 4:32 PM
It's impossible to decide any more which is worse - the effects of my depression or the impact of the world around me ... not that I suppose it matters either way. Posted at 6:31 PM
Hell here. Posted at 7:59 PM
When's it my turn? Posted at 9:08 PM
I wouldn't have so much trouble with my grandma's memory falling apart as much as it is - that is, I wouldn't if she only forgot the good things and the real things. She has an amazing aptitude for remembering things that she's fabricated from nothing, and she has great skill at remembering any injustice or problem she perceives against her (often when nothing intentional or truly worrisome has occurred). Her latest is that since the microwave door wouldn't open four days ago (because of the sticky goo of coffee sludge she'd splashed around on the door and inner face binding things together), and as a result she decided the microwave didn't work. No matter how many times I've shown her that it works and that the door opens (it just needed a good cleaning so it wouldn't stick), she is still stuck on believing it doesn't work. I've had her open the door herself and everything. To say this sort of thing is frustrating is a huge understatement. Posted at 5:42 PM
Why? Posted at 6:04 PM
Not that I feel like I'm missing out or anything, but why - after a huge string of movies he made in the '80's and early '90's - has John Hughes not made any more films? Posted at 9:31 PM
Something is physically wrong with me. I have my suspicions, but without health insurance and with a negative cash flow I'm unlikely to find out if there is something specific wrong with me and I'm even more unlikely to be able to do anything about it. This does not bode well, but I'm stuck in the rut of poverty. BY the time universal health care comes around I'll surely already be dead. Posted at 6:41 PM
Why oh why can't I get a full night's sleep - even just for one day? Posted at 10:50 PM
Time passes and things just continue to get worse. Ain't life grand? Posted at 7:00 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © July 2009
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July 31, 2009
