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| message board October 2009
All Hallows Even has arrived, true to its roots with the brisk, blustery, cloudy atmosphere that marks the end of the harvest season and the simultaneous celebration of what has been gained and the mourning of all that has been lost. Such has this been for more than two millenia, though the various names for the day have changed. Some things never change. Posted at 6:24 PM
How did we go from having seasonal flu shots available for my grandma last year every day at the health department and through November at her doctor's office to this year where the doctor's office ran out a while ago and the health department had one day (today) for the whole of the city - and most of the city was there, precluding our getting my grandma's flu shot. And now I have no idea when there will be any flu shots at all this year. I don't expect things to be exactly the same every year, but last year (and the two years before it) was pretty easy and accessible and this year is just about designed for failure. How and why do we go from one extreme to the other in the most common public health measure available? Posted at 8:13 PM
I don't know why I'm even trying to write these Journal entries any more. Almost all of them are the same hopelessness, just expressed differently, and my page views have dropped off so much it's clear that people aren't reading any of this as often. You all deserve better ... but then ... so do I. Posted at 10:00 PM
Nothing ... it's all nothing. Posted at 10:42 PM
It's a crazy old, disappointing thing, life is. Posted at 8:50 PM
How much patience can I possibly have left? Certainly not much. Posted at 7:15 PM
Why is it that so few things can ever go right? Posted at 8:53 PM
My grandma being tired is exhausting me. Posted at 10:06 PM
She complains and complains about being tired and yet she refuses to take a short nap during the day and she refuses to go to bed until Midnight or later and insists upon getting up by eight or nine if not earlier, even after invariably having gotten up at least three or four times each night to go to the bathroom before trying to go back to sleep again. Even young, healthy, vibrant people need a solid eight or nine hours of sleep each day, and when the body is tired and makes you nod off in your chair at all hours it's a clear sign that your body wants and needs more sleep - that is, for everyone except my grandmother. I can't have any sympathy for her being tired when all she has to do is go to sleep earlier and/or sleep in later - the whole family has been begging her to do those things for years - or at least to take a one to two hour nap each afternoon, Rather than do the simple thing and sleep more, however, she fights everyone to stay awake or half-awake long after everyone else has given up and gone to sleep themselves. It's this sort of self-defeating actions, this refusal to accept help or advice for others, that drives me crazy about my grandma. And if that drives me nuts, it is quite mild into how crazy it makes me when she whines about being tired when the solution is readily and simply at hand. Posted at 9:42 PM
?? What ?? Posted at 10:52 PM
Posted at 9:01 PM
What's to write when there doesn't seem to be any point to anything? Posted at 10:02 PM
Selfish, mean, hateful people should get what's coming to them - soon. Posted at 7:24 PM
Stress is exhausting. Posted at 6:06 PM
All that is beautiful and innocent is crushed by the weights of the world. Posted at 9:34 PM
I shouldn't even write about the bad, crazy days like I did yesterday. It's just tempting fate. Clearly, things can be worse - much worse. Posted at 5:24 PM
I hate these crazy days where the dementia is overpowering the sanity. It's impossible to get through to my grandma about anything on the days she's really 'off', and it's very exhausting to keep her out of trouble and still keep trying to explain things to her or get her to do simple things like sit down or go to bed - even though it's pretty much pointless to try, no matter how long you're willing to try to stay with it. Seeing her like this is hard enough. Trying to keep her safe, healthy, and at peace is far more difficult. Posted at 9:26 PM
I could do with a boost - any kind of boost. I'm sinking back into another wave of depression again, and I'll take anything that might have even a minimal chance at redirecting my emotions. Just about nothing ever makes a difference, but sometimes ... sometimes a boost of energy or happiness or satisfaction - sometimes it makes a difference. It's very rare, but even the slimmest chance is worth pursuing to avoid falling back into another depression that could last an indeterminate amount of time. Posted at 8:26 PM
Not even close to wintertime and already I'm getting cabin fever. My grandma hasn't gotten ready in time to go anywhere in a week, and since I need to keep a close eye on her I've only been out twice during that week and for less than a half hour each time for necessary errands. It's a terrible shame, too. This time of year is my favorite time: cool temperatures, strong gusts of wind, leaves changing colors - it can be the best time of year for weather in so many ways ... and I have nowhere I can go and enjoy it. But this is my role in life now. It's this or nothing, so I shouldn't probably complain, but it's hard when I look outside and see Mother Nature making what for me is the perfect wonderland. Posted at 8:51 PM
Very tired again, even with about seven hours sleep. It seems any more like I'm dead tired unless I get eight hours - and I so rarely get eight hours, even on weekends. A week of not having to constantly watch over my grandma would be great - just a week of sleeping when I wanted for as long as I wanted, with no limitations. A week of rest like that would be better than any vacation - not that there's any chance I'll get a vacation either (such is the life I've come to be forced to live thanks to my uninvolved, unsupportive family). Posted at 11:21 PM
Posted at 5:36 PM
Why are the leading gay organizations in this country so useless? Politicians don't promise sweeping measures wanted by the gay community, collect tons of money and lots of votes, then blow us off and claim it's "not politically expedient" or "we'll do it later" or some other lame ass excuse -- and then they come back to us, having done nothing, making renewed promises of action, and our vaunted national gay organizations support the idiots and push to get them more money and more votes and even help the politicians promote their lies of having to wait. There is no reason anyone should have to wait for full equality under the law, no matter the venue, no matter the right. Our own organizations are not merely doing us a disservice, they are making us wait even longer for our rights than we would have to without their 'help'. Fight for your rights, my brother and sisters. You and I, we have to fight for what is ours - because nobody else will. Posted at 8:16 PM
I will be the first to make clear that Obama is one million times better than Bush as president, but winner of the Nobel Peace Prize? Seriously? Perhaps if Obama lives up to his campaign promises he would be deserving of such an honor, but from where he stands now: mired in politics and getting nothing done on some items (i.e., Health Care, ENDA, strict energy consumption standards, etc.), minimizing the importance of other items and blowing them off or claiming they can wait (repealing DADT, repealing DOMA, and supporting civil unions, etc.), or in many cases outright failing to do important things that people elected him for (i.e., closing Guantanamo, ending the war in Iraq, ending the war in Afghanistan, reinstating Habeas Corpus, etc.). The man's campaign slogan, "Yes We Can" might truly epitomize the spirit of the Nobel Peace Prize, but Obama has yet to show that he can do anything. I can only hope he takes this as a reason to make up for lost time and not just support of his continued efforts at failed bipartisanship, meaningless promises with no follow-up, and lack of clear plans for how to achieve any of the things he promised during the campaign. Posted at 8:02 PM
Please - somebody kill Elmo! Posted at 7:20 PM
Eleven years have passed since a beautiful, loving young man was brutally beaten and left for dead because he was gay. As horrified as most everyone was at the time, many of us also thought that some good might just come from this tragedy - many people, previously unaware and uninterested (and often unbelieving) of the true bigotry and hatred toward gay people were faced with something they couldn't ignore and couldn't explain away ... and even though they in many cases still didn't understand or support homosexuality, they seemed to be determined to at last take a stand against such violence and abuse ... ... but that was eleven years ago ... On this, the eleventh anniversary of the assault of Matthew Shepard, I am sad to say that we have not made progress. Young gay men and old, lesbians on the West Coast to the East Coast, and transgendered and transsexual men and women from all walks of life are still brutalized and killed - shockingly often, and with little reporting from the mainstream media. Were it not for the gay media to follow the police reports and trials there would be no notice of the dead and dying, the beaten and abused in the GLBT community - and the straight community continues on, blissfully unaware, believing that such brutality never occurs any more, leaving them feel blameless and self-righteous, making them think their bigotry has no significant consequences. We cannot allow human lives to be so minimalized, so easily forgotten, so marginalized by the mainstream media and the straight majority of the population. We cannot afford to be blown off by politicians who want our votes and our money in return for empty promises. We cannot accept the claim of religious freedom as an excuse to crush the spirits and wound the bodies of our brothers and sisters. This all must end -- and it must end now -- but we must make it happen. The world must be made to see, in every bloody instance, on every network and in every paper, that we are no more safe than Matthew was eleven years ago, and in his name and the names of the hundreds of lives since, all cut too short because of simply who they loved, we must make them see it all, force them to see what their ignorance and bigotry and inaction has caused. We must show them each and every instance, make them understand that we are victims of a war against us, force them to see and understand ... until they finally cry with the pain of it all, wring their hands in worry and in shame, scream out that it will not happen again - until they finally learn that all human life is precious and perfect and must be protected - until this truly is at an end, and violence no longer occurs - even once - against anyone because of their sexual orientation. Only when we reach such a point can we give Matthew true peace. Make that day soon. Make it now. Posted at 11:08 PM
Sleep just never comes, never lasts long enough, never relieves the exhaustion ... Oh to sleep, ... to sleep forever ... Posted at 5:03 PM
... aaaannnndddd ... I got nothin' ... again ... Posted at 10:34 PM
I'm so out of touch with some things. Days like today I realize there's even more falling to the wayside during my bouts of depression than I generally ever account for - and what I've accounted for has always been troublesome enough. Posted at 7:50 PM
After over two months of not being able to get going at reading much of anything, I read one and a third books today and am inspired to keep reading a number of books over the coming days and weeks. I hope I don't go through another spell of depression like that where I can't even feel up to reading a book. At times like that I'm left with just about nothing to raise me up from the darkness. Posted at 9:05 PM
I saw him in a dozen faces today. I miss him so much it hurts. It hurts so deeply and so hopelessly. How do I keep going on when only a lonely future awaits me? How have I even made it this long? Hell holds no horrors that can surpass this pain and hopelessness. Posted at 6:22 PM
.. and the car from hell sucks more time, cash, and life from me once again -- and they didn't even finish! I have to take it back next week when more parts come in ! Yeah! : \ Posted at 8:44 PM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © October 2009
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October 31, 2009
