Journal Archives from theDreamworld ... July 2015

July 2015

July 31, 2015

So much potential and yet such a horrible result. This world is simply terrible. Why have we done this to ourselves?

Posted at 8:36 AM

July 30, 2015

Contrary to 18th century popular medical views, blood-letting does not leave you feeling better.

True story.

Posted at 8:31 AM

July 29, 2015

Bloody hell. Literally.

Posted at 7:42 AM

July 28, 2015

So much of nothing.

What can I say that I haven't been saying for too long?

Posted at 8:08 AM

July 27, 2015

Ugh. Monday again. And I don't even have an orange cat living with me to commiserate.

Posted at 8:42 AM

July 26, 2015

Tired. Again. I tried to sleep in - really. I just couldn't go back to sleep.

Posted at 8:15 AM

July 25, 2015

Getting old stinks. WE MUST FIND THE CURE!

Posted at 8:30 AM

July 24, 2015

I'm getting senile. My ability to remember things is turning to crap. Figures. All I've wanted since my teens is to die and be free of this miserable world or at worst to die with my mind fully intact. Instead I'll probably live to one hundred and have no idea who anybody is or what's going on, just enough awareness to still be miserable and horrified that I'm still alive. That's in line with the way things usually go.

Posted at 8:14 AM

July 23, 2015

Nope. Don' wanna.

Posted at 8:01 AM

July 22, 2015

I hate jobs but I love a good day's work. Sad that idiots who manage or own businesses can so adversely affect that.

Posted at 7:45 AM

July 21, 2015

I'm staying up later than I have in a long time, and it's making it much harder to get up as early as I like. Thus I am rushed in the mornings.

Easy solution? Go to bed earlier. Sadly, I was in bed at a quarter to 9 PM last night and I couldn't get to sleep until nearly Midnight. It stinks ... but what ya gonna do?

Posted at 8:24 AM

July 20, 2015

Up late and running late today. But I stayed up later than I should as well, so what should I expect, right?

Ah well. Still not too bad.

Posted at 8:33 AM

July 19, 2015

I feel guilty for constantly thinkin it, but ever since the shooting in Chattanooga a couple days ago I simply cannot get the tune to Chattanooga Choo-choo out of my mind. It seems a bit flippant under the circumstance, but I simply can't get it out of my mind.

Posted at 9:11 AM

July 18, 2015

Yesterday a girl misheard me giving her my birthday and thought I said March 19th, 1997. I corrected her and said "I wish!" and I'd have to say that's mostly true.

I'd love to be 18 again, particularly if I could know what I know now, and if I had another chance to set up a life I think I could avoid a number of things that didn't work out so well. Heck, I know not to do what my parents insisted upon at various points, and I know how to make my way without help from my parents in those instances, such as financial aid for college or where to live or what have you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I'd make a bunch of mistakes still, and I'm sure a lot of shit would hit me I couldn't avoid, but still, I'd enjoy one more run through it all.

(Being 18, fit, young, healthy, and knowing what would happen in my thirties and forties when my metabolism slowed down would make a big difference, too).

Ah well ...

Posted at 7:41 AM

July 17, 2015

Well ... there it is ...

Posted at 7:18 AM

July 16, 2015

Blah.

Posted at 8:01 AM

July 15, 2015

Woke at 4:20 AM.

Got up, peed, went back to bed.

Changed position in bed 11,693 times. Never got it right.

Never got back to sleep.

Not feeling as bad as I'd expect. Still feel like shit, though.

Posted at 8:13 AM

July 14, 2015

I could see myself becoming like Emily Dickinson, isolating myself in a remote cabin, seeing veritably noone, somewhat crazed and writing poetry in common meter rather than anything more complex or interesting, and focusing greatly upon death and when it will come (and what's taking it so long).

Somehow I don't see the same posthumous fame as Dickinson had. In fact, if I wrote poems and papered the walls with them as Dickinson did in her final years - particularly if I posted them without titles, as Dickinson did - my mother would come in and throw them all away with only a casual glance (as I suspect would be the treatment of the vast majority of my possessions and my writings and drawings).

Ah well. Nothing I can do about it, as usual.

Posted at 8:40 AM

July 13, 2015

I watched Transformers: Age of Extinction the night before last (it was free on streaming). THis movie is a perfect example of how vapid, empty, and horribly bad Michael Bay movies are; take out every single explosion and this movie is nothing. Even leave in the Transformer CGI, just take out any explosions or gunfire, that sort of thing. Then what do you have? Boredom! Next to no plot! Throw-away characters you more hate than like! Long, slow pans across fields of crops and across minimally-busy highways leading up to long, slow drawn-out moments of empty dialogue, no action, and your own desperate hope that things will pick up soon.

This is the sort of thing I fear for Star Wars. Good CGI and amazing explosions do not make a movie. I'd rather have crappy, cheap special effects if I have good acting, great plots and stories, and well-developed characters I give a damn about.

Posted at 8:32 AM

July 12, 2015

I need to stop thinking I can just plan out my own schedule. That's always a sure way to get the Universe to fuck with you.

Posted at 8:11 AM

July 11, 2015

It's 7-11. Is that supposed to be lucky? Will I win tonight's lottery?

If you've guessed correctly then you've probably been reading this Journal for a while and know that only one outcome is possibly expected.

Posted at 8:45 AM

July 10, 2015

For as little as I drive and as fuel efficient as my car is, it's surprising how much gas I use.

But heck, any additional ways to burn off what little money comes in and leave me scrambling - if that's not part of the "joy" of life then I don't know what is.

Posted at 8:12 AM

July 9, 2015

... and Beat Boxing is still a thing . I knew the influences were still around, but I thought Beat Boxing died with the dawning of the new millennium.

Posted at 8:39 AM

July 8, 2015

Wow. They still sell Shrinky Dinks.

Posted at 8:40 AM

July 7, 2015

Think how much better off I'd be if I'd fucked people over all my life like my sister has in order to get ahead. Things would be easier as I'd have a better job, a better education, a family, promotions and cash and other things that weren't really mine, and the security of a home and a family. But, of course, I'd hate myself for what I'd done to countless people because I have a conscience.

I hate my life and I hate being alive, but I do prefer knowing I've been a good person who has sacrificed for friends and family and tried to do the right thing whenever possible. That's not to say I haven't done wrong or made mistakes, but my life is miserable not because of those mistakes but because of how I've been screwed over when I've done the right thing that have taken so much away from me and left me with very little. I don't regret the choices I've made, but I hate that this is how I have ended up when I see people who have been amazingly horrible human beings get ahead.

Posted at 8:22 AM

July 6, 2015

... and today in things I really don't give a damn about - everything in the news!!

Get a clue, people. What happened to respectable, responsible, relatable journalism. It's almost as if Edward R. Murrow never lived.

Posted at 8:12 AM

July 5, 2015

It would be nice to have the money to keep the temperature and humidity in my apartment at a consistent, bearable level. Instead I wake up sweaty in stifling air, run the A/C for a half hour and run a fan, shut it down and enjoy what I can, and run the A/C again once it's fairly obnoxious a few hours later (or when I return for the day) and again try to enjoy it while the wonderful feel fades over the next few hours. I run one last half hour of A/C before I go to sleep, but it's never enough, and I wake up sweaty most nights. I could run the A/C 24/7 but I can't afford to do so. What I do works and is affordable, but in days like we've been having lately it's just too little, day or night.

Posted at 8:14 AM

July 4, 2015

Yes, it's the Fourth of July, and I'm supposed to celebrate my independence today. Is that supposed to be my independence from wealth? My independence from success? My independence from a loving family? My independence from sanity? Or my independence from happiness? Because I ain't got any of those things and it seems like everyone still expects me to act happy with what I've got. So explain it to me ...

Posted at 7:09 AM

July 3, 2015

Steve took me out to a late lunch at the Chinese Buffet yesterday. Much food was consumed; much conversation was had; I survived both.

Posted at 8:28 AM

July 2, 2015

Ooh! Let's amp up Paul's headaches! (Ours goes to eleven.)

Posted at 7:24 AM

July 1, 2015

So, hey, let's offer me a great job on Monday with a great purpose and a great salary and benefits - and a potential for upward mobility ... and let's take it away on Tuesday because my credit rating stinks (which I told you on Monday when you asked permission to do a credit check.

I don't blame the employer. They have policies to follow and that's that. I blame the universe or fate if you will. I don't really believe there's a god or gods but hey, if you want to believe that then sure, your god is a sadistic asshole that does this shit to me over and over, forgive me if I don't care to worship them.

Mostly I'm just depressed. I don't want any of this shit anyhow. I want to just be dead and gone and not have to deal with any of this shit, and yet here I am, making my measly way, occasionally trying for more, and getting fucked ... over and over again. That's probably the issue. I should know my place and know better than to try for anything. Just wallow in this shit life in this shot world and accept it and settle.

I should now better, I suppose.

Posted at 8:44 AM