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| message board February 2016
It's Leap Day. that means it's the 12th birthday of my long-lost friend Lisa Nelms Justice. It also means its time for another ridiculous contest/goal/contrivance at work. As we mark our progress in sales during tax season by comparison to the previous year's sales, today is an outlier since there was no leap day last year, thus anything we make is almost a bonus. Despite this the goal is a million dollar day to make up for all of the ground we've lost this year compared to last year ... in a singl day. Good luck to us. We'll need it. Posted at 6:13 AM
I spoke with my old friend Wallace last night for the first time in at least ten years or more, We talked about Steven, our mutual friend who recently passed away and for whom I've been arranging his affairs. We spoke of other friends and things that have happened over the years and it was nice. This is the sort of things I have indeed missed as my friends fell out of my life as they became more occupied by their wives and kids and the changes of life. It's a bittersweet reminder of what I once had in a way, but it wasn't something I'd give up if I had a choice. Posted at 9:01 AM
I am so damn tired, and it just doesn't get better. Tomorrow I can sleep in, but today and tomorrow will both be full, busy days, so I'm sure to be exhausted anyhow. I need a long break. Posted at 6:12 AM
Tired. I got a lot done yesterday, but there is still much to do. And I either have some sort of cold or flu or the stress is getting to me in ways I'm not use to. Posted at 6:10 AM
I have a whole mess of appointments, tasks, and errands to do today, in the morning for me and for Steve, during the day for work, for me, and for Steve, and in the evening for me and for Steve. It's a mess, and it will probably bite me in the ass because it's largely predicated upon things going to plan and on tie and not screwing up the next thing. We'll see. Posted at 6:20 AM
This gets more complicated every minute. Posted at 6:04 AM
Yesterday wa stressful and crazy and full of things, but possibly most important is that I was able to reserve a nice place to have Steve's memorial service and I have a date and a place. I started contacting people yesterday, and I'll be busy the rest of this week around everything else to get in contact with everyone. It will be avery busy week. Posted at 6:19 AM
Back to work ... ugh. So much to do (work-related and non-work related) and so much needing to be done ASAP. There aren't enough of me to go around. Ugh. Posted at 6:17 AM
I fell asleep early last night and slept in this morning, and while I still feel somewhat tired, I don't feel so terribly exhausted like I have the last part of this week. There's much to do today, despite not going into work (or at least I hope I don't), but hopefully I'll have some time to myself for at least a little bit before the work week resumes tomorrow. So much to do and so little time to do it, and I really need some time to myself to keep my sanity - and yet I'm not getting it. Posted at 8:35 AM
I was amazingly tired yesterday, and I had so many things needing to be done in so many places and so many directions. I am still exhausted this morning. Tomorrow morning I should be able to sleep in, but I've found that that one night is never enough to get me refreshed in the least. It stinks. Posted at 6:06 AM
I keep getting stuff accomplished but more and more stuff needs to be done. It's impossible to catch up. This is ridiculous. Posted at 6:07 AM
I am so damn tired. Posted at 6:19 AM
Much too much to do with work and everything else. How am I supposed to get all of these things done? Posted at 6:03 AM
Today is a scheduled full-daymanagers' meeting at work. We have never gotten out early and have always run over quite a lot from when we were scheduled to be done, so I estimate the meeting ending in 2106. Posted at 6:18 AM
It's President's Day - when we celebrate mattress sales and the candidacy of Donald Trump rather than honor the great, visionary men who actually knew how to set up and run a country. Posted at 6:11 AM
My mom left this morning, heading back to Florida. We had a nice dinner at Olive Garden last night and some nice conversation. The earlier part of the day had been hell at the office, but that's par for the course I guess. Today I have all sorts of housekeeping and catching up to do around my apartment so that I'm ready for all I have to do next week. I'd really like a proper day of rest sometime. Posted at 8:18 AM
I made more progress on taking care of Steve's affairs yesterday, but it seems like there's simply an infinite amount of things to be done. I'll keep doing as much as I can around everything else. For the first time in nearly a week I also made progress on resolving some personal issues. Nothing was actually resolved but I learned some things I needed to find out and made some arrangements to work toward getting things going and hopefully eventually resolved. And I got a lot done at work, although here also there seems like a nearly infinite amount of other things that need to be done. I even had time to eat a nice dinner with my mom at the Empire chinese restaurant here in Oregon. I had never been before and was glad we had taken the chance - it was great. And now, once again, back to work ... Posted at 6:15 AM
My day back at work was a crazy run from one thing to another, rarely good. IT was a busy day and I accomplished much (for work) but ran out of time to do any of the things I wanted and needed to do for Steve or for myself. Today that has to change. There is still a huge load of things to be done at work - and I will get a lot of that done - but I must get a lot of the stuff for Steve and me done as well. Tomorrow and Sunday, being the weekend, will cut off my abilities to contact most of the people I need to for my stuff and Steve's stuff, and I don't want to have things get put back another full four days (as Monday os s national holiday (President's Day) and you can never be sure what places are open or not on those days. So on to another day of running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Posted at 6:12 AM
My Sigmoidoscopy went alright yesterday (although it took up half the day). I'll get results next week, but there was no alarm,so things are probably fine. I was able to make a few more calls and arrange some things, and it looks like I'll be moving to a slightly larger apartment in my complex in a couple of months. It was only a few dollars more than what it would have cost me to stay in my current apartment and pay for a small storage area as well to hold the things I ha been storing at Steve's building (which, of course, now need to be moved). My mother and I had a nice lunch at Red Robin and in the early evening watched Jurassic World on DVD. IT was a relaxing day, mostly. Back to work today, though. Oh well. Posted at 6:22 AM
I made some headway with my calls yesterday and now know what I need to do for Steve to arrange his final resting place - with full military honors. Now I simply have to collect any donations possible from his friends to help cover the expenses and I can finally put him to rest. Posted at 6:54 AM
I was able to make quite a few calls yesterday to try to find out what I can do to bury Steve and handle his estate, and while I have more information I am not that much more clear on what to do. I have some leads, and depending upon what learn from some calls today, I may have a plan of action to get things moving along. Meanwhile, my mother arrived last night, having driven up from Florida to accompany me to at the Sigmoidoscopy I have scheduled tomorrow (I can't drive and have to be observed for 24 hours). She also came to provide moral support and maybe help as she could with arrangements for Steve. I could use all of the help I can get on all of those fronts. Posted at 6:21 AM
Finding needed documents in Steve's is even worse than looking for a needle in a haystack. At least all you have to put aside in the haystack is hay, and it all looks the same. Not so at Steve's where his stacks and piles of ... EVERYTHING ... are piled on, in front of, around, underneath, or mixed with anything you might look to fid. In fairness, some documents Steve had in file cabinets or valises, but with more than a half dozen file cabinets of 2-4 drawers (at lest that I've found so far) and a dozen or more valises (that I've found so far ) - and all of these spread all around Steve's 6000+ square foot warehouse where he lived, it's difficult to find things. And even worse is that are infinitely more various papers on counters or on top of boxes or in boxes or whatever. THere's small amounts of organization now and again, but mostly not so much. It's a trial. Posted at 6:11 AM
Even death doesn't stop taxes - or the tax business - so I had to go back to work yesterday, and around a crazy busy day I did find time to make lists of all of the things I have (so far) thought need to be done to care for Steve and his estate. They aren't terribly long lists, but they will be complicated and take much time, time which I don't have much of around work. THe next few weeks will be stressful and busy, but hopefully I can keep it together and get these things done. One good thing is that one of Steve's cats came up to me when I put out food and let me pet him. The other cat was too afraid (as is usually the case with both of them), but with Allen letting me get close, I hope that Autumn will as well, and thus maybe I can get them and find them homes. We'll see. THis is just of many things to be done. Posted at 7:34 AM
My only support and social life in Toledo, my good friend Steve, died yesterday. I had been at work about an hour when I got a text from Steve: "911" "Help". I called him immediately and all I got was extremely labored heavy breathing - he could'nt respond at all. I told him I would call an ambulance and I would be there as soon a I could and to hang on, then I called 911 and raced to his home. Emergency services were on the scene quickly from what I'm told (it took me almost 20 minutes to get across town myself), and they had broken in and gotten to Steve and the paramedics were working on him when I arrived. They were performing CPR ad trying to stabilize him and spent nearly a half hour at their efforts before heading to the hospital. For me, a police officer was explaining all this and taking information from me while his associates were 'assessing the scene'. AS the police would be at things a while and as I wanted to be there for Steve, I got his neighbor, Warren, to watch over the building and I headed to the hospital. THere was nothing I could do, though. When I got there I was asked various questions and not given any information right away. When the doctor finally spoke with me he explained that they had continued CPR in the hospital and administered various drugs to stabilize Steve, but there was simply no electrical activity in his heart. And with that Steve was dead and gone at only 48 years old. A young, kind priest went over some things with me, and some of it sank in, but I was lost. I wandered out to my car and called my parents because I just felt lost and didn't know how I could handle this and everything else I have to deal with right now. They were upset as well as they liked Steve, and my mother offered to come up here if I need her, but I just couldn't process it all and told her I'd think about it and get back to her. After that I headed back to Steve's place. The police were still "investigating the crime scene" (which was ludicrous) for another hour or two. Finally, when they left, Warren and I were able to get in and work on repairing the damage to the two doors that had ben made when the EMTs broke in. It took us quite a while (til after 5 PM) to have everything secure, and Warren had to do some things for work and I had to go back to my apartment and try to wash away the day's grime and sweat. Warren and Denise, his girlfriend, invited me (and Warren's brother and sister) to get together for Dinner at the Chinese buffet Steve loved, and we ate and reminisced about Steve. It was probably the best thing for all of us, and particularly for me as I would surely have sunk into a quagmire of depression if left alone. I was still very depressed when I got back to the apartment, but I was too tired to think about much of anything, and I soon slept. Now, in the early morning, I face a world without my dear friend, and I have so much to do to take care of what was his world that I hardly know where to start. This will be the first of many long, sad days. Posted at 6:25 AM
I just can't win. I do the right thing as a a manager and I still get in trouble for doing it. Of course why should anything make sense in this fucked up company. Posted at 6:12 AM
I should be spending my time helping Steve rather than working for a company that is so infinitely fucked up that no one can possibly help it from destroying itself. Posted at 6:21 AM
... and for my next trick, I will turn water into wine (after all of the things I've been expected to simultaneously pull off at work this will be a cinch). Posted at 6:12 AM
Too much stress, too much ridiculous bullshit, and too many expectations, all with not enough support, not enough staffing, and certainly not enough sleep. IT's not a recipe for success. Posted at 6:21 AM
Back to work, still tired, still not having had much of any break at all since I was last working, and still hating every thought of what going back entails. This seems like all I feel any more. Posted at 6:05 AM
Journal, by Paul Cales, © February 2016
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February 29, 2016
